There's a NEW Zealand?

As we visit yet another perfect place to fall in love (New Zealand!), there are some unresolved issues we need to address.

Clare is still puzzling over her regretted finger banging episode in the South China Sea.  Juan has been quite the gentleman by airing his grievances publicly and questioning Clare's commitment to the innocence of children everywhere.  Has this woman no shame?  How will little Camila react when she sees daddy taking a four a.m. dip in the ocean far from camera view only to flip out and wish the whole thing never happened?

While Clare tries to sort through that manufactured mess (which quite honestly, still confuses me), Cassandra, who hasn't seen any steady camera time in about five episodes laments her "boyfriend" dating other women while she sits at home pining away for her son.  That's just no way to treat a woman, Juan.  If only someone could have prevented this kind of situation somehow.  Confiding in fellow single mom Renee seems like the natural reaction, not to mention that Renee acts and looks a lot more like Cassandra's mom than her peer.  If Renee had a heart, she'd adopt Cassandra.

Andi is the big winner of the first date and irons her best plaid shirt for the occasion.  Lookin' sharp, Andi.  Clare seems really mad about this.  Probably the date, not so much the plaid.  This would have been the perfect time for some make up sex.  Looks like these two are officially having their first big fight.  Not that Clare is bitter or anything.  She's audibly gnashing her teeth through that fake smile.  She's so happy for Andi, after all.

Juan's big plan is some river speedboat runs and maybe some wading through a cramped chasm affectionately named "The Squeeze."  The locals told him this was a typical date in New Zealand, so who is he to argue.  That boat was really moving.

Hair tangled, after a quick dip in a waterfall and a trip to hair and makeup, these two like-birds settled in for an exotic meal next to a geyser.  And when I say next to, I really mean on top of.  Couldn't have set up that picnic any worse.  Sure enough, another Bachelor meal completely ruined by mother nature.  I don't think a couple has actually eaten a meal on this show in a good 4-5 years.  It's always something.  A good 80% of their calories come from alcohol anyway.  Even sans geyser, this dinner was probably doomed.  There was a lot of confusion over the concept of edible lamb chops.  You'd think it was octopus.

Failed meals aside, Andi is quite the catch, but Juan doesn't really seem to know what he's doing with her.  Likewise, she seems to be merely tolerating his attempts to impress her, or at least pretending he's some other guy that she might actually want to date.  This has been a problem with Sharleen as well.  Usually this kind of hookup would be in a bar somewhere at 3 a.m. and everyone would silently part ways the next morning acknowledging that it was a bad idea for everyone involved.  Instead we get weeks of this awkwardness.  

Andi:  "I can't wait to have a family."  [big introspective grin]
Juan:  "You will."  [moves away]

Juan needs bite size meals like Nikki and Clare.  He's not ready for seven course presentations and prix fixe.  You figure these ladies will just politely excuse themselves at some point and never come back.  Not a prediction, but it wouldn't surprise me.

Back at the resort, 21 year-old Cassandra, who is younger that some of my t-shirts, is predictably making a big deal about her birthday, much as would be expected from someone who just recently was bestowed the gift of legal drinking.  It really would be the "best gift ever" for Cassandra to get that coveted one-on-one.  The only sticking point is that he's not the least bit interested in forming a mini Brady Bunch with the former NBA dancer.  Juan is interested in a date with stupid Clare, though.  I'm sorry (well, no I'm not), but Clare is the kind of person that mentally exhausts you after a 10 minute conversation.  She's either continually smiling or continually pretending to smile.  There's this sustained faux energy level that just smacks of insincerity.  She doesn't look 32, but there's a lot of miles on those tires.

But first, OGO-ing in Rotorua.  What is OGO?  I'm glad you asked:

In 1994, Andrew Akers and Dwane van der Sluis invented a big inflatable ball that people could jump inside and roll around in.  Initially they thought they could use the ball for walking on water [ed: like Jesus] but they soon found they could have more fun rolling down hills in it.

There are many fine OGO options, but these crazy kids decided on the 40 liters of water option just to mix things up, and unfortunately to ruin any carefully crafted makeup jobs.  Not that they need it.

Oh dear.

Nikki will never look better than she does on this show, and yet I feel like I'm seeing something that would almost certainly scare me if I wasn't properly prepared for it (and I wasn't).  You know, maybe Cassandra isn't that bad after all.

Probably not the birthday Cassandra was hoping for thus far, but maybe her fortunes would change in Hobbiton ("Discover the real Middle-earth" -- the part that isn't lazy CGI).  We've barely gotten any emotion other than soul-draining ennui out of Sharleen, but by god, take this woman to Hobbiton and it's like Emily Maynard discovering Dollywood.  Sure, no Peter Jackson (he of $6 billion worldwide gross revenues), but plenty of small furniture and cool mugs.  Fortunately, the miruvor (brewed from the honey of the undying flowers in the gardens of Yavanna) is still 100 proof.

It is in Hobbiton that Renee learns that she's one of Juan's "special ones."  We're not sure what that means exactly, but to this point it's meant taking a back seat to virtually everyone left on the show.  According to Renee, emotionally this is where she expects to be roughly 8 full months into a relationship.  There's managing expectations, and then there's this.

Similarly, Cassandra seems to be living in an alternate reality.  She's just trucking along in life:  freshly 22, a kid, and now just needs a husband to wrap it all up in a bow.  Turns out that Juan is a guy, so maybe he could be the dad she needs.  For her son.  And wouldn't it just be the best birthday present ever if she got that rose?

Juan confidently announces "I think I'm gonna have a happy ending here" which doubtlessly produced some stifled chuckles, but no one was laughing when Tolkien enthusiast and fluent Elvish speaker Sharleen got the rose.  Second place was a set of steak knives.  Third place was getting kicked off the show.  It was a valiant attempt to make this dismissal seem emotional and setting it to somber music, but it had all of the heartache of an ATM transaction.  Later, Cassie.

All of this work and we still haven't resolved this Clare thing.  Well, I have.  Beat it, sister.  Juan hasn't, however.  He's still wrestling with the paradox of this hot little body paired with a brain that doesn't quite execute logical thought.  The irony of this particular situation is that Clare is right.  (God I hate typing that.)  If she wasn't so desperate to win this competition she'd rightfully say "what the fuck, dude?!?"  I don't claim to know what happened in the ocean that night, but for it to elicit that kind of regret on his part, it must have been something truly special.  They say nothing good happens after midnight.  Well, doubly so 100 feet off shore.

So here's the big kiss-and-make-up moment, and Juan's already using every move he has in his arsenal.  Lots of baby talk and hair touching.  So, basically he has two signature moves (maybe three:  the "me no english" lost in translation card), and Clare doesn't seem to be taking the bait.

Okay, so she took the bait.  Recap:

Juan:  "You wanted it, so I didn't want to disappoint you."
Clare:  "So, what's the line?"
Juan:  "I never do anything in front of Camila.  Not hold hands, nothing."
Clare:  "Your daughter isn't here.  They edit stuff out, dummy."
Juan:  "Now you know."
Clare:  "You make any excellent point.  Just don't make me sad."

Even watching this from the relative safety of my couch, the hairs on my neck stood up.

Rest of the date consisted of defining the verb "bolt," changing into some MC Hammer pants, and (naturally) not eating the food.  Easily the best night of Clare's life.

By the evening, it seems pretty obvious that Nikki is the clear cut favorite.  She's giving him the green light and then some, and all of it without looking too insane (which seems to be a skill of late).  Again, no idea what happens from here on out, but there really isn't much mystery left to this.  He's already had a "fight" was Clare.  Nikki is basically telling Juan she's ovulating.  Sharleen looks like she's ready to vomit.  Andi is in love with some image of a guy she'd like to be in love with one day.  Renee is a good buddy and listener.  Kat is about to be killed off three shows too late.  Chelsie is making no impact whatsoever.  What more is there?  See, this would be the perfect time for a plot twist.  Bring in five more women, all latinas, with the show conducted entirely in Spanish with subtitles.  Nikki's had it much too easy.  She hasn't had to use Courtney's full arsenal on these pushovers.

The only real question was who to eliminate first:  Kat or Chelsie?  My thoughts on this are well-known.  Maybe I have an unhealthy obsession fascination with Chelsie, but how do you not keep this girl around?  Sure she's a little silly and immature, but she's certainly a lot less likely to kill you in your sleep than Clare.  Does she have a glass eye?  Fake limb?  What am I missing here?

Am I the only fan of this girl?  Hello?

Chelsie's big appeal this week is that she wasn't Kat.  Mounting what was left of a defense, Kat confided to Juan that she had been journaling her experiences.  This conversation then morphed into some standard night one boilerplate about her drunk dad and accompanying sentimental music.  A little late for the schmaltz.  Nikki is picking out flatware and registering at Pottery Barn.

To the surprise of no one anywhere, Kat leaves.  To the surprise of most everywhere, Juan acts like it was some kind of painful blow.  Yes, we all remember Kat in a bikini, but I think we're strong enough to move on.

Let's see what's left:

6. Clare - Yeah, no thanks.
5. Renee - A good pal and I hope a great Realtor®.
4. Sharleen - I fear what happens in Week 7 with no Hobbiton.
3. Nikki - As long as she stays dry, I'm a little bit on board.
2. Andi - These control issues are catching up to her.
1. Chelsie - I'm ready for a commitment.  

Let's be honest:  this crew is kind of a mess.  Two of these ladies are probably going to leave on their own.  He only really has much of a connection with Clare and Nikki, and they absolutely hate each other in a way that is far beyond healthy.

Good luck with this.

Sex and the South China Sea

"We were on a recon in a steaming Mekong delta.  An overheated private removed his flak jacket, revealing a t-shirt with an iron-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!"  Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it.  But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us.  I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice.  I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right."


Act I:  If Renee doesn't get a kiss soon, she's going to dry hump herself raw

I'll start by saying:  I don't really "get" Renee, and I really don't get why Juan seems intent on teasing this poor girl by taking her on all of these one-on-one dates.  Sure, they're both 32 and single parents, but she's a frumpy Realtor® from Sarasota, and there are real live attractive women he could be spending his time with.  Renee would barely merit mention on a "Hottest Women of ERA Realty" calendar.  Fellow single mom and veneer goddess Emily Maynard sure as hell didn't have any interest in anyone else's kids, and neither does Juan.  Hopefully this charade ends soon, because as much as I'm not interested in Renee as a contestant, I'm equally uninterested in seeing someone with her trusting nature and fragile disposition get crushed on national TV.  You can tell it's going to get ugly too.

After a date highlighted by two flowers, a custom form fitting dress, and lots of intimate alone time, Juan comes to the conclusion that kissing Renee would raise too many difficult questions in the mind or her 8 year old son Ben, so he definitely will NOT be kissing her tonight.  I'm fairly certain she's going to kill this man in his sleep.

It seems as though Juan gets paid to mess with Renee's head.  There's little else that makes sense about this.


Act II:  Clare needs to stop getting kisses because she's a crazy-eyed psycho

Renee probably doesn't give two shits anymore, but she probably didn't realize just how much of an also-ran she was on the show until watching Juan do this about five minutes into the group date:

"I can't.  I'm a dad.  Okay, fine."

I think this was the point where the women started to turn on our soccer enthusiast.  There comes a moment in every Bachelor's season when he has decide whether to say "fuck it, I do what I want" or not.  It's got to be terribly enabling to the base male ego to have scads of women vying for your attention.  Several weeks into this process, a man in such a position of power almost can't help but feel that he's entitled to these vast riches and is beyond reproach.  True masters of the craft, however, can deftly navigate this minefield and sense the danger before them.  It's only Week 5.  You're just growing into the role.  You think you have it all figured out, but what if Vienna is a nut job?  What if Courtney just wants to gain exposure to enrich her modeling career?  What if Clare is generally kind of a bad idea?  Give yourself some options, man.

The ladies were starting to talk mutiny.  The interminably cute "science educator" Chelsie lamented her romantic morning spent with the usually mute but highly photogenic Alli.  Lonely power lawyer Andi was letting the litigious gears turn in her head about how she could "sue everybody" over her lack of one-on-one time.  I'm telling you, this whole thing can turn on a dime, and before you know it, you're left with that kinky-haired whatshername as your only option.

Raiden smoothing things over with Mileena.

Juan kind of picks up on his lower approval ratings by nightfall, but still decides that it's a pretty great idea to spurn the rest of the women for some special pool time with Clare, who still draws a favorable resemblance to Kristen Bell, but with about an eighth of the charm.  I admit that this Clare fetish is a little puzzling from my view four months late and over 8,000 miles away, and there's very little that will help me understand.  Clingy, overeager, vapid.. you know, the good stuff.  I'm sure I have it all wrong, though.

He hasn't totally lost control of his throng.  Even the hyper-skeptical Andi, who seems to be out for blood at times and voices her "control" issues like they are a mantra, can be coaxed off the ledge with some choice baby talk and beach cuddles.  It's got to be exhausting bitching about Juan being a dog one minute and then faux-protesting to the camera the next over your embarrassing make-out session that isn't fit for mom back home.  And surely a few of the most worked up among them have to be in a continual state of disappointment over this one rose for a bunch of women dynamic they have going.  It's almost like this is some kind of dating show and they're just doing this to get people upset for effect.

But wait, we're still not done with Clare.  This is quite an extraordinary run for someone who was on a group date with a bunch of other girls.  I know that these days run long, but if we are to believe the commentary (and I usually do), Clare shows up at Juan's door around 4 a.m. for a proposed dip in the warm South China Sea.  A little pushy, a little ballsy, but also a little shrewd.  What better way to score some some intimate contact than to book a date in camera unfriendly waters a good 100 feet off shore?  Do I know that they didn't play "just the tip" out there?  I do not.  In Clare's words:

"We just went for it.  And I don't regret it.  Pure bliss.  In every way."

No one would have to clarify that they don't regret swimming in the ocean, right?


Act III:  Nikki goes straight to hell

Fresh off the beach sex and with a solid three hours of sleep, Juan sets off on a solo date with Nikki, who, I must say, is doing an incredible rendition of Courtney Robertson.  She even has the glib lines down.  On the prospects of rappelling into an infinite abyss:

"Oh good, I can't see the bottom.  That's always good.  Should someone call my mom and tell her I love her?"

"I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants."

Actually, there's a good possibility poop is involved in any of those scenarios.  Of course they "randomly" send the girl into the physical challenge they are least mentally or physically equipped to handle.  Nikki has several close brushes will a full-blown anxiety attack, but fortunately Juan is there to restore her sanity with some dangling besitos.  All I can think is that Renee has to be so pissed right now.

There must've been something special in that bottomless cave, because folks, we have our first official "falling for" utterance of the season.  Not even a bottomless Clare went that far.  Sprinkle in a little chatter about taking care of sick kids, and it's very possible we have a new leader in the clubhouse.

"When we get engaged, you're gonna stop touching my ears, right?"

It was nice to see Renee finally get that kiss, which was the perfect contrast to Juan nearly impregnating Clare the previous night.  "It was so worth the wait!"  Make sure to tell yourself that when you're packing up to leave.

As much as I don't like Clare, and I really don't like Clare, huge power douche move using his daughter as an excuse for regretting his deep sea mutual masturbation session.  I figure he's probably realizing that Clare isn't much more than a fun time and is already looking for a way out, and bonus points if he can put the blame on her.  Luckily for Juan, Clare is very reasonable and measured in her reactions, so this should quickly find an amicable resolution with little residual damage.

"Hey.  Just delete it."

Aside from Juan claiming he was raped by Clare, there wasn't much need to go off script.  Danielle, Kelly, and Alli were just happy to have made it this far.  I thought it was especially charitable of the producers to splice in some Danielle commentary about rose ceremony "jitters."  Better late than never.  Andi, on the other hand, looked like she was going to vomit:

"I'm in control.. I'm in control.."

At least we're now (almost) down to the actual competitors.  Okay, so Cassandra has no chance, but I could make at least a partial argument for the other seven.

Big Board™:

8.  Cassandra - God, I'm so bored.
7.  Kat - Lovely rack.  Just lovely.  I'm drawing a blank otherwise.
6.  Renee - I think I hear Ben calling.
5.  Clare - I didn't think I could feel sorry for her, but I actually feel sorry for her.
4.  Sharleen - Getting by on being "different."  Impressive run for such disdain.
3.  Nikki - Seems like she could probably kill a man if necessary.
2.  Chelsie - Threatening the top spot merely by staying out of trouble.
1.  Andi - Doesn't seem like she can take much more of this lack of control.

This is, of course, my personal preference.  Who do I like to win?  If I had to bet the farm, it would be Nikki, but I'm not convinced he likes any of them enough to actually propose.  Might be another Womackian oh-fer.

Asian Invasion

We’re going on a trip..

[giddy!]

Get your passports..

[OMG!]

We’re going to a country in Asia..

[!!!!!!]

With a total land area of just over 100,000 square kilometers..

[???]

Good for 109th of all countries in the world..

[?]

And the home of Gangnam Style..

[Japan?  Wait.. China?]

Seoul..

[Japan?]

South Korea!

[OMG!  Japan’s little cousin!]

Our first excursion outside the U.S.!  Are we doing the Asian circuit again so quickly?  I feel like it was just yesterday when Ames Brown regaled us with stories of his ultra marathons, many of which were, in fact, hosted in SE Asia.  I don’t think “we’ve” been to South Korea before, but it’s about damn time.  There are few places that can simulate New York City so perfectly, but with double the population density.  I hope you all packed soap.

Aside from openly mocking Korean culture, this episode was all about framing up Nikki as the "bad girl."  Yes, the one that is "different" around the girls than Juan.  The obligatory girl that isn't there for the right reasons.  I’ll say up front that I’m not buying this, especially when they are going so desperately out of their way to telegraph their intentions.  “Hey, America.  Nikki is mean!  You should hate her!”  Sorry, I won’t.  Did they have pull this crap with Courtney?  No.  Courtney let her handiwork speak for itself.  They’re pressing their luck by pushing off Nikki as some kind of super villain.  I get that she is a little grumpy about being a girl and such, but that doesn’t make her a bad person.  At least not yet.  And honestly, if you're going to focus hate, I'll offer up Clare as a suitable alternative.

My grandparents would cringe, but Korea is probably currently best known for Gangnam Style and while I’m quite positive Next Entertainment "reached out" to Psy (who is basically the nastiest media slut in modern times), even he has his limits.  In his place, they found “The Spice Girls of Korea” 21!  Check that, 2NE1.  "21" was already taken, and lord knows we can only have one band named 21.

In case you were worried, pre-assembled corporate girl groups are not an annoying feature exclusive to the US and UK.  It’s truly a worldwide phenomenon.  In Asia, it’s a really big deal.  Take Japan’s AKB48, for example.  They’ve sold over 25 million albums and have 89 members.  89!  On the flip side is Hatsune Miku who is merely a solo act, but has the distinction of being a hologram.  I guess Gorillaz isn’t real either, but at least I feel like I know who Damon Albarn is.

Since we’re in foreign musical territory, let’s talk YouTube views.  2NE1’s video “I Am the Best” has over 77 84 million views!  In an age where a cat chasing a laser pointer can get 10 million views easy, this is a little underwhelming.  Maybe in 2009 this was a big number.  Our boy Psy on the other hand has over 3 billion collective views.  That’s like one view for every “I know, right?” Emily Maynard has ever uttered.

I wasn’t really blown away with the dance moves, but I was pretty impressed with lead vocalist Park Bom’s command of English.  My god, it’s like she grew up on the East Coast.  Funny enough, actually she went to high school in Maine (of all places) and graduated from the Berklee College of Music in Boston.  That's so Korean of her.

Unfortunately, NBA Dancer/Medical Sales Rep Kat decides this dancing gig is her big break and tries desperately to upstage everyone with her “look at me” head jerks and wild flailing.  I’d be shocked if some people watching in that mall didn’t call to help that poor girl having a seizure on stage.  In case you’re wondering if the mental condition of thinking you’re really good at something only to actually suck at it has a name, it does:  the Dunning-Kruger effect.  It nicely explains the horror of many an American Idol contestant thinking they’re amazing singers, and perhaps explains why people like James Canupp post videos of themselves butchering church tunes.  (Trust me, you want to hear this.)

This isn’t much different than Juan Pablo thinking he can walk on with the L.A. Galaxy, I suppose.  

And while Kat and Juan are totally feeling the vibe of Korean pop, Nikki is throwing a mini tantrum and letting everyone know that she does NOT dance, even though she probably can just fine.  Maybe a good case of anti-Dunning-Kruger.

I really want to believe that this is Korea’s answer to One Direction, but I have to think the latter could pull a better crowd at some random five story mall, and certainly if some enterprising producers were actively recruiting people to show up.  Tiffany used to do a lot of mall work in her day and basically set the standard for mall-based performances back in 1987.  Korea seems to be a good 25+ years behind the curve here.

Probably the best part of the entire sequence was this:

Fore:  Chelsie slapping her shapely bottom to the rhythm.  Aft:  Nikki wearing a stupid hat.

I’m sure fans in the mall watching this mess probably didn’t even notice the Juan Pablo harem on stage, but can you image the reverse:  a bunch of Koreans dancing on stage with Justin Bieber for no earthly reason?  It would probably trigger Homeland Security.  Mostly because Beiber is a dirty Canadian felon who needs to be deported immediately.  We can't have rich kids heaving eggs at their neighbors.

All of the excitement of mall concerts wound down later with a trip to some kind of garden sanctuary.  No one is quite sure what it was, but there wasn't really anything to do.  Juan just took the ladies aside one by one for private chats.  That's not really much of a date.  At least there wasn't any pretense here.  Awkward?  Oh my, yes.  Kat, for starters, wanted Juan to know that she's not just the "fun" girl, no matter what her dance moves might have said earlier.  I mean, she moved to Arizona for work, for god sake.  If that doesn't scream stable, mature woman, not much can.  But there's even more.  Kat's dad had 7 DUIs, followed by some lemon-making out of lemonade or somesuch.  It's all a little murky, to be honest, but she's definitely not the crazy guacamole peddler that Nikki makes her out to be.

Don’t worry, Juan is keeping his eyes open.  As open as his beady little eyes will allow.  He's not going to let some crazy blonde girl touting her world class diaper changing skills to dupe him.  No sir.

No such worries with Cassandra, who sounds vaguely like a head injury victim.

Sharleen gets yet another one on one date, which makes her "happy."

Sharleen can barely contain her excitement of yet another date

It's more than just caution, she can't really stand this guy.  One has two degrees in music performance, and the other would get a degree in soccer if they offered one.  One is going to have her tubes tied just to make sure she can't procreate, and the other is going to have a half dozen kids.  One is pretty bland, and the other is "not bland."  Which is a good thing.  Like I've said before, an all-expenses paid vacation is a great motivator.

The rest of the girls get some "Krazy in Korea" time.  This is the part of the show where we point out how strange and weird Korea is, at least in a PG rated non-Old Boy re-inactment sort of way.  Karaoke at a converted brothel was a nice start.  Surprised that didn't get edited out completely.  But wait.  Swan paddle boats?  “Dr. Fish Zone” for a fish pedicure?  This truly is the dumbest date yet.  At least we get to see Clare recoil in horror over semi-exotic food.  It's all the same with a little kimchi (Korean for "sweaty sock flavor").

Much of this show has revolved around Renee and her inability to kiss Juan, but my god she wants to.  She's even licked her lips and everything getting ready for the big moment (that will likely never come).

Any second now...

Renee is so desperate that she basically asked Juan to kiss her.  "What would Camila think if she saw me kiss you."  Not wanting to kiss her, he asked her the same of her son.  Oh, he's good, this one.  I don't know why he claims he needs to be all chaste for his daughter when he's been mauling more than a few women already.  "I've kissed six girls already."   Is there some kind of quota?  Looks like Renee isn't hot enough to earn some kissing time.  Sorry, Renee.

More than a few “friend zoners” on this date.  Lauren, for one.  "Are you going to kiss him?"  "Probably not."  Well, she tried anyway, and this was the dramatic result:

Vacation (and free booze) nearly over.

Lauren claims they’ve had “great conversations.”  What conversations?

Even the girls that have connections seem to be clinging to sanity.

"This is how a velociraptor eats its prey."

But of course Andi plays it cool and gets the rose.  Why?  Because she's not some amateur.  She's also this blogger's top seed and Bachelorette hopeful.  Suck it, Clare.

I like the little Nikki-Clare rivalry.  Clare is going to crash and burn at some point, but Nikki is ensuring that it happens as soon as possible.  Which is fine with me because Clare is wearing out her welcome.  While it's truly amazing how she pushed herself out of her little comfort zone in Sacramento to tour the world on ABC's dime, there's little more we need to see.  The real question is just the level of batshit.

As is typical, a long, drawn out ceremony to get rid of Danielle and Lauren.  Whoa, check that, Danielle sticks around as a chaperone/baggage handler for their Vietnam trip.  Elise, who seemed especially pissed off for a first grade teacher, is gone.  I could never keep her and Nikki straight anyways.  “Who knows what’s in store now.”  Literally anything could happen.

Eleven left, and probably six too many.  Let's check our Bachelor Big Board:

11.  Danielle - Astounding to see her still around.  Should have been a night one casualty.
10.  Cassandra - Has found the coveted Cloak of Invisibility.
9.  Renee - This is getting a little sad.
8.  Kelly - Bonus points for making fun of Clare and an being kind of an unofficial field host.
7.  Kat - Her efforts to be more than the girl with the big tits didn't really pan out.
6.  Clare - Intense therapy may improve her chances.  She's not bad to look at, she's terrible to listen to.
5.  Alli - Juan couldn't really care less.  I'm starting to come around to this.
4.  Sharleen - It's not often you get someone with genuine disdain for the guy.
3.  Nikki - I like her verve.  She's Courtney light.
2.  Chelsie - She definitely needs some seasoning, but I'm thinking long term here.
1.  Andi - *sigh*

Gone but not forgotten:  Amy L., Lacy, Victoria, Lucy