Juan Pablo: Licensed Psychologist

Juan's got his fancy car gassed up and ready to go.  Check that, it's a Telsa.  Okay, so he's got his 800 pound battery packs all charged up and ready to go.  He's been planning this date all day.  Clare, I hope you're ready, baby.

But wait, Lucy's boobs are showing.  Clare who?

Horrible editing.

Oh right, Clare.  Hairdresser or somesuch.  She's open to being open about the possibilities of there being a potential of something there.  I think that's code for being in love.

It's already evident that Juan Pablo is pretty good at this El Bachelor thing.  He has the women openly thankful for the opportunity of seeing him off on a date with another chick.  I'm already impressed.  Of course it's a bit early for there to be rampant jealousy, but he's laying the groundwork.  So far so good.

Looks like Clare is hooked.  These dates are getting pretty absurd already.  A sledding and skating excursion in LA rips this out of the realm of reality pretty fast.  For his part, Juan privately foresees a stepmom in his daughter's future.  I hope for his sake he's just playing along.

I don't have a good read on Clare.  Seems lovely enough.  Well, aside from the big ol' grin talking about her dead dad.  That was strange.  There's not a great history of dead dad talk on this show, so I'm already nervous.  She does look a helluva lot like Kristen Bell.  We could be doing worse, I suppose.  That Kristen Bell thing works for me, so we'll put Clare squarely in the top half for now.

If it's one thing to know about me, know this:  I hate the private concert date.  And goddammit, it's already showing up in the first one-on-one.  Worse, I never know who these idiots are.  Josh Krajcik?  No clue.  Looks more like Jack Black after a trip to J. Crew.  Or a slimmer Hurley from Lost.  I'm being told he was the runner up on the first season of the X Factor.  Well that is something now, isn't it?

If we do have to endure private serenades from C-list recording artists doing their best John Mayer impression, I at least want some awkwardness.  Couldn't these two have had bad chemistry or something?  This is much too sweet and endearing.

Next we get Kat the medical sales rep who looks a lot closer to 39 than 29.  It's a world class dimple, though.  It didn't take long to get a private jet date worked in.  Remember the date Emily Maynard had with whatshisface at the The Greenbrier in West Virginia?  Of course you don't.  Pretty short story shorter, the guy was a human sedative and was asked to kindly step away from the unfinished prime rib.  Point is, sometimes it doesn't matter how elaborate the date is.  If you suck, you're toast.  I'm not saying Kat sucks, but you never know.

So as they're lifting off, Kat ponders their destination.  The great beaches of Miami?  Maybe the bustle and night life New York?  You know, when she really thinks about it, she could get used to flying all over the world with her 32 year old retired soccer pro.  Well, "pro" in the loose sense that he was paid to play, but not "pro" in the sense that he was any good.  I mean, retiring because you had a baby?  Who does that?  In the history of organized sports, what male athlete has ever retired because he had offspring?  How about retired because you weren't talented enough for a lower tier soccer league.  Regardless, there won't be much jetsetting on that soccer pension, so don't get your hopes up, Kat.

And what's better than Miami or NYC.  Give up?  I'll tell you:  Salt Lake City, baby.  Mormons!  Mountains!  Michelle Money!  Jef Holm!  That asshole Bentley!  The list goes on and on.  There is some seriously fucked up fascination with SLC.  No idea why they are so completely obsessed with a nothing town like this in the middle of nowhere, but I'll be damned if we don't find some new excuse to work it into the show somehow.

And where better than SLC to host the world's only ecstacy-fueled fun run.  I think by definition teetotalism excludes MDMA.  Pretty sure this is exactly how Brigham Young envisioned things when he founded this religious oasis.  It's also another example of the producers elbowing their way into large public events and forcing the audience to deal with their stupid dates.  Of course in their drug addled state no one probably noticed or cared, but if I'm paying to go to some concert -- even if it's Skrillex or some other stupid dubstep bullshit -- I don't really want to be subjected very special guests Juan Pablo and Kat having their own dance-off for 20 minutes.  I hope everyone was properly compensated for having to endure that.

Group dates are usually just a cacophony of estrogen.  Things like this usually happen:

Unidentified also-ran contestant extending her tongue in admiration of our Bachelor

Some ample opportunity for anxiety, infighting, and maybe a little light hair-pulling.  You never really know.  I do appreciate how the producers continually set these women up by suggesting something that caters to their narcissism like "sexy photo shoot!" only to pull out the rug with "but you have to dress up like fire hydrants and get pooped on!"  It's one of the few details they consistently get right.  Models n Mutts.  "Are you ready to go meet the models?"  Didn't seem subtle enough, but I laughed.

Best part of the photo shoot was definitely the emergence of Andi.  Sure I'd be a little nervous about the prospects of dating a federal prosecutor, but even with Lucy gallivanting around like Lady Godiva, this blogger is smitten with this instead:

You had me at "I'd love to pose naked with you."

I have no idea how this whole deal turns out (no spoilers here, friends), and maybe it's the three buck Chuck talking, but I'm having a hard time remembering a better prospect.  I think that makes me the official #1 Fan of Andi Dorfman.  I hope she loses so she can be on TV a lot next season as The Bachelorette.  Let's set it up already.  Trust me, I know what I'm talking about here.

So far, the ladies have been getting along swimmingly, almost like they're attending a sorority reunion, and it's kind of pissing me off.  "Can I cut in?"  "Sure!"  What the hell is that?  I was thinking the biggest misstep of the evening session was going to be former NBA dancer Cassandra dropping the huge bombshell that she had a son talked to her mom 10 times a day.  Fortunately, we were treated to Victoria's tenuous grasp with sobriety.  

I'm certain Juan Pablo didn't think he'd be called in to talk Victoria off the ledge, but they were clearly getting desperate.  For some odd reason, hairy super producer Elan Gale, all mic'ed up like he was on a covert narco raid, couldn't get through to her.  It was time to call in the big guns.  "[taps on door] Can you talk to me?"  "No.  NO."  "Okay, I'll wait for you outside."  

As with every past run-in with armchair diagnosable psychosis, the entire incident was brushed aside as if it was merely the product of the intense pressure of competition.  Hell, Juan Pablo himself admits he nearly lost his mind competing with Chris, Drew and Brooks for Desiree's heart.  Eerily similar, no?

I'm a little troubled, not so much that Victoria has a severe mental condition that requires heavy sedation and electroshock therapy, but rather that she performed so ably as to be dismissed in episode 2.  I had some high hopes for this Brazilian (and most Brazilians, really).  Sometimes casting a human trainwreck works sublimely, other times it resembles hot oil midget wrestling.  Nevertheless, in Victoria's honor, let's all pour out "not even one glass of champagne."  (sniff)

RIP "The Straddler"

We really shouldn't be losing this much hotness so early.  Maybe they need to have chaperones to keep the top talent around longer.  I don't know if that makes practical sense, I'm just thinking out loud here.

In that same vein, we lost another soldier on that hill tonight, and I'd just like to acknowledge her briefly in this space.  It was a desperately short run, but as Lao Tzu wrote (in Tao Te Ching) "the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long."  Or maybe a tenth as long.  Whatever the case, goodnight sweet former WCTV Fox 49 field reporter Amy Long.

"This is Amy Long live here at the Bachelor Mansion sitting here with the last shred of my fleeting dignity."

She was cute, she was effervescent, she reeked of immaturity, but to quote Nancy Kerrigan almost exactly 20 years ago today:  "Why?!?"  At least we still have her tasteful Model Mayhem shoots.  9/13/13:  Never forget.

I'm starting to enjoy the "Ice Queen" Sharleen's shtick of playing hard to get, and of having country singer name in an opera singer's body.  Seems like she's a lot of work, but you can tell Juan finds her to be intriguing, maybe because they're polar opposites.  Could be this season's Jef, but hopefully with less plagiarism.

"Ladies, Juan Pablo, this is where we eliminate the show's only black chick.  Also, there's an all new Killer Women tomorrow at 10/9 central.  
When you're ready."

Next week we'll unveil the official rankings.  Still too many who-the-hell-is-thats around.

Until next time, keep your champagne chilled and boobs properly exposed.

Me llamo Juan. Juan Pablo si usted es desagradable

I admit that I totally ran of out gas doing this blog.  Used to take me (seriously) hours to cobble together rapid fire witticisms that only a one-liner jack hammer like Daniel Tosh could appreciate. And then I made the decision to take screen shots and caption them.  God, what a time sink.  It burned me out.  But you know what?  I fucking love watching and eviscerating this show, so I'm back.  For now.

I was surprised to learn about this Juan Pablo epidemic that CH is convinced everyone is afflicted with.  Even guys, apparently.  It's viral, so don't bother with antibiotics.  I know we're in a liberated age, but I audibly winced listening to our android host lavishing praise over how hot our primero latino Bachelor is. He's so hot, in fact, that even completely straight men across the nation were demanding the Venezuelan footballer be the next Bachelor.  You could hear the boisterous clammors in the streets.  Thank god ABC caved to our last desperate wish.  Now if we could just erase producer Elan Gale's desperate attempt to be relevant, everyone would win.

I did wonder how the accent would play, and aside from intense 6 day/week personal training, it's clear the next order of business was to enroll the Miami resident into de-latinification training.  Well, to a point.  Having been around many a Spanish speaker, I think his Inglés está muy bien.  Well, it damn well should be.  The guy was born in Ithaca, NY (go Big Red) and spends all of his time in the US.  Maybe all of those chats with Marlins garbageballer Henderson Alvarez screwed him up.  I mean, what kind of pitcher averages a 93 mph fastball yet only strikes out 5.0 per nine innings?  (source:  Fangraphs)  Perplexing.

Like I've said may times before, it doesn't matter who the hell the lead is so long as there's lots of hotness and complete insanity, and I assume we'll have plenty of both.  Only a complete lifeforce energy suck like Ben Flajnik could ruin a Bachelor season.  At least he had Bachelor Hall of Fame inductee Courtney Robertson to bail him out.  I wonder how those two crazy kids turned out?  I'm sure they're blissfully married and have a large happy family by now.  She even wrote a book about it.

Juan has a little kid of his own, a sweet daughter named Camila, who most likely will play a role somehow, but I assume we'll see a bit more discretion than using her like Emily did little Ricki.  I'll bet one-F Jef wants a do-over there.

Of course you're probably wondering what J-P left behind en route to single dad-dom. Fortunately there are some internets for these things, but I did some sleuthing for you. 

Carla Rodriguez

Yeah, she's cute, I guess.  Anyway, good luck replacing that, ladies.

Speaking of which, let's see what we have in the mystery estrogen grab bag this season.

My non-cut-night-one favorites (mostly to look at, perhaps to talk to):

• Lawyer Andi
• TV anchor Amy L.
• Chelsie (only because she mentioned chemistry, brought 50 mL centrifuge tubes, and seems to be the best kind of psychotic)
• Lucy (I'd be a free spirit too if I was best friends with Kate Upton)
• Victoria (you auto-keep the Brazilian)

That's a pretty formidable top five right there.  I have no idea what their prospects are, nor do I really care at this point.  The thing is, it's not hard to whittle the list down from 27, so spare us the dilemma, Juan.

I certainly didn't understand the fascination with "Sharleen" the Canadian/German? opera singer who seems to have been cast on the show at gunpoint.  No idea what was going on there, but Juan felt like he absolutely made this woman's night.  Either that whole thing was a set up or Juan is really that confused.  I can only hope she sticks around because we haven't see outward disdain like that since Ali left a freshly tattooed Kasey on that glacier and flew off with "Rated-R" in a chopper.  There's a lot of trainwreck potential with this (actual) diva.

At some point Lucy probably comes clean and tells Juan that she's a runway model, but even if she bathes in patchouli oil you can't hide that body even in a burlap sack.  Probably a three episode stay, but I'll pray for more and invite you to do the same.

Not much lost on the night one cast-offs.  I could barely understand Maggie (from SC) who probably feels like the Confederacy is just taking a breather.  I did like Lacy, who was the nursing home owner.  Her favorite snack was listed as "Hot Cheetos," so maybe not such a big loss there.

That mostly covers it.  Now let's get to the bungee jumps, helicopter tours, skinny dips, emergency room visits, anxiety attacks, drunken arguments, and all of the amazing journeying.  

Mis amigos, this is the final sentence tonight.

That Girl with the Creepy Brother is the Bachelorette!

Hi, I'm Chris Harrison.

Another exciting journey for love begins.  This time it's Desiree Hartsock, third runner-up in our previous Bachelor contest, and easily the poorest Bachelorette we've ever featured on the show.  How poor?  Poor enough for us to dub in engine knocking noises as her 10 year old Honda Civic pulled up to the mansion in Malibu.  That's pretty poor in my book.  Don't worry, we hooked her up with a baby blue Bentley.  It washed the destitution right out of her.

There will be drama, conflict, and no doubt heartbreak, but I know I speak for naïve women everywhere when I say that a not insignificant number of us are rooting for Desiree to fall deeply in love with the idea of being in love.  Most of my production staff has other motives entirely, but don't let that dissuade you true believers from embarrassing yourselves publicly on various social media outlets.  I'll be right there with you.  Use lots of hashtags and maybe post some recipes on Pinterest while you're out there hacking on the web with us.

Lest we get too creative, let's go to the video montage.

Bryden is our military guy subtly chosen for our Memorial Day airing.  His turn ons include walking the streets of Missoula with high powered weapons, wearing his fatigues for the show, and stubbornly avoiding relationships.  He also likes women named "Desiree," "Starla," and "Monique."

Will is a banker who loves life.  And Chicago.  And life in Chicago.  And yelling "WELCOME TO CHICAGO!"  Seriously, he was really welcoming to us in Chicago.  Will studies Bikram Yoga which, if you didn't know, is a form of yoga typically performed in a hot room with crazy high humidity.  This probably explained the high five-fest afterwards.  We wanted to edit that out, but Will insisted on high fiving everyone on the street, including our crew.  He actually had to chase the guy (Tom) operating the boom mic to give him a high five.  It was like, "why is Will so intent on giving everyone high fives?"  Then we remembered the Bikram Yoga and Will's severe dehydration.  We also noticed that his shower "didn't take" and had to fix some serious pit stains on this guy in post-production.  But man, the high fives just kept coming.  Will noted that not a lot of black guys do Bikram, but then, not a lot of black guys make it onto the show, so it seemed like appropriate symmetry.

Drew is a digital marketing guy from Scottsdale, AZ, which long time fans of the show will note almost exactly follows Ben Flajnik's résumé, so you know he's going places.  Well, except that, unlike Ben's history of complete entitlement, Drew's life story is pretty much a total trainwreck, so this probably kills any shot he has at the winner's circle.  Sorry, Drew.

Nick Roy is truly the first tailor/magician double threat we've had on the show, and believe me, we've looked.  It turns out only two groups of people enjoy magic more than women: children and the elderly.  Needless to say, I like Nick's odds.

Zak is a drilling fluid engineer who lives in "the middle of nowhere" which is also known as "10 minutes outside of San Antonio."  When he's not squatting on 15 acres of deserted property, Zak spends most of his time as a stunt double for Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino.  Since the demise of The Jersey Shore, Zak has had much more time on his hands, mostly devoted to working out.  Just how far will these abs go?  If history is any guide, pretty far.

Robert is an entrepreneur who invented signs.  Or, rather, spinning signs.  Or maybe the process where guys spin signs on the side of the road in an advertising context.  Which is now a global thing, as I understand it.  It was good enough for some unsolicited high fives in the office when we showed up.  Wasn't quite as good as what Will showed us, but it was pretty good.  Honestly, Will kind of ruined the high five thing for everyone.

Mike R. is a dental student and a self proclaimed "Renaissance Man."  Usually Renaissance Men don't get cut on night one, but Mike did.

Brandon is our house adrenaline junkie who loves to wakeboard over unsuspecting waterfowl.  We asked him to show us what else he likes to do for fun, and all we ended up doing was driving to a different lake to film him wakeboarding over what we think was a different group of pelicans.  Pretty much took up the whole day.  To his credit, he did treat us to In-N-Out Burger, which was nice.

This season, we really hosed down the driveway for maximum sheen, and I think it paid dividends.  Truly, this was the most amazing journey from the limo to the front door that we've ever seen, and I think most of our viewers would agree with that.  Many of you may not be aware that I get a close up view of things while hiding in the bushes.  Not in a creepy way, so maybe "hiding" isn't quite the right word.  "Distant admirer" is probably more apropos.  This is the first time I've weighed in with my thoughts on these initial meetings, so drink in the insight.

Our boy Drew was first out of the gate, and I'll be honest, he looked a little needy actually running into Desiree's arms, but he must've made an impression with his giddy schoolboy charm.  Reminds me a little of my good buddy J.P. Rosenbaum, but with hair.

Brooks didn't fare nearly as well.  We even added in the standard "bumbling idiot" music for his entrance into the house.  Gets a lot of use.

Brad brought a wishbone, and Des won.  We wish Brad well on his uphill climb.

Bryden didn't seem so awkward during his hometown video.  The fresh bowl cut couldn't have helped his confidence.  He showed up on set like this, and our hair guy just about quit over it.  "You want some pomade or mousse to spruce that up a bit?" he was asked.  "I'm good" was the reply.

We love shtick here at The Bachelorette, and God's honest truth, we don't tell people what to do.  So when Michael G. wanted to retrieve Desiree's original penny from her last stint on the show, we were all for it.  "What a great idea," I secretly thought.  Well, Michael fished for that penny for about five solid minutes even though we edited it down to nothing more than 10 seconds.  We actually sent his pants out for ironing!  Did we add the penny "ploop" sound?  I admit that we did. 

Kasey is the social media guy who stalks people on Twitter.  Trust me on this.  #creepy #reported #nomeansno 

Will gave Desiree the rare high five hug, but stumbled a bit with his Greek goddess bit.  Better to just keep it simple, I say.  #fingerguns #fistbump

We like Mikey a lot, but he kind of lost us with the "I can empathize with your psycho brother" bit.  Even Des thinks her brother is psycho.  Will we exploit this later?  No, because everything on this show is organic and flows naturally -- like pouring chum into a shark tank.

You might be wondering where this "Fantasy Suite" is that Jonathan kept talking about and where he got this key.  Turns out it opens a mechanical room in the sub-basement level of the house.  Most of us thought it was a joke.  We actually found Vienna Girardi living down there.

I actually tried to talk Zak out of going shirtless.  I know I'll get a lot of grief over this, but we don't want this to be the abs show.  The FCC actually told us to "cool it" with all of the ab footage last season.

A lot of you might have noticed how badly James botched his lines, but what you don't know is that was his third take.  He actually had to become a SAG member just to complete shooting.

Oh man, Larry.  He pulled some kind of tango move that caused Des to rip her dress.  Probably not the best idea to throw a woman toward the ground without a little warning.  I saw him practicing this earlier in the day with the prop master and it looked terrific, but she was wearing J. Crew chinos.

We don't usually allow people to start fires on the show, but Nick R. really won us over with his magic.  A few of our staff are still missing watches, however.  Might be unrelated.

Funny story about Zack K.'s Chuck Taylors.  He actually lost his luggage on the way to California and had to rent that tux at a strip mall the same day.  They didn't have shoes in his size (14), so we crashed a Goodwill to find something that might work.  He looked a bit like an oversized prom date, but I think it went over well.

Some of the "haters" out there won't believe that we didn't set up Diogo with that suit of armor, but we didn't.  He had it shipped via FedEx that day.  I even signed for it.  So maybe he wasn't the most eloquent guy we've had on the show, but the armor looked great.

Okay, so I'll admit that Chris vetted his shoe-tying joke with the staff beforehand, but we couldn't stop laughing, so obviously it was a green light all the way.  Des even gave it a "funny."  Are all mortgage brokers this hilarious?

Mike R. probably misjudged his likeness to Patrick Dempsey.  Set the bar a little too high there.  Personally, I would have summoned that British accent.  It's at least 30% more alluring to women.

Some might find what Robert did with his tie a little odd, but he did that in every interview he had with our staff.  Always said he wasn't a "tie man," pulled it off, and tossed it somewhere.  Nice ties, too.

We suspect that Des was botching Juan Pablo's name on purpose, but can't quite figure out why.

Adrenaline junkie Brandon rolled in on a motorcycle all the way from Minneapolis, even though he lives in nearby Costa Mesa.  It puzzled us too.  That's pretty hardcore.

Brian went with the fuzzy coat, and the guys were sticking stuff to it like velcro all night.  We actually assigned an intern to just pull stuff off of it.  I don't think Brian had any idea.

Yes, Micah really did design that suit himself, but he only sewed some of it.  Most of it was sewed by his mom in Detroit Lakes.  She can't really sew either.

The poem by Nick M. seemed corny, but it moved a couple of us to tears (not saying who).  I think it was the part about ocean waves.

Dan probably had the first meeting about right:  just hug, say something innocuous, hug again, then get the hell out of there.

We loved saving the best for last with little Brody and his dad Ben.  How cute was that?  Brody should have stuck around to get a rose.  Remember: there are no rules.

Ben wasted no time after that first impression and actually won the first rose of the night with his easy going personality.  It was so easy going that he was actually able to gloss over the fact that he and his best friend had a baby together.  I hope that Nick R. was paying attention because that was some real magic.

Bryden pulled out his own kid story from his time in Iraq and won a rose himself.  I'm seeing a trend here.  Although a couple of others did well for other reasons:  Juan Pablo (ball handling), Zak (abs/pool antics), and Drew (non-threatening).

There weren't any drunken antics this time, but that didn't stop guys from losing their minds.  Larry, off his game since the dancing mishap, went for his patented Svengali hypnotic stare in a desperate attempt to pull out of a deadly flat spin.  He seemed a bit unstable, and honestly if this guy is your ER doctor, you'd better hope his medical training is far superior to his way with women.

Second thought:  Jonathan was pretty shit-faced when he went in for his second Fantasy Suite pitch.  The one-legged push-ups and blood shot eyes suggested that he might need to be watched a bit more closely by security.  Let me stress that Des was never in trouble.  Guys in the control room were all over this situation, and trust me, the other men in the house could sense it too.  Ultimately, we had to send Jonathan and his swollen love tank home, but we wish him well after being destroyed on national television.

I know I get a lot of heat about my classic "this is the final rose tonight" spiel, but I think it's an important feature of the show.  I can tell you that not all of the guys are paying close attention, and they need to know that they should react shocked and dismayed after they get snubbed.  We also think it's important to have some continuity to the show, and after all of these years, who can argue with the results?

Joining Jonathan on the short, lonely, white van home are Dr. Larry (despite his 48/51 dipping record), Magic Nick, Sir Diogo, Dentite Mike, and "that guy" Micah.  Not exactly the '27 Yankees here.

Thanks for reading, folks, and be sure to tune in next week!

-CH