Game Change

So I just learned that Ali Fedotowsky is blogging about this show too.  For the Ladies' Home Journal, no less (still going strong since 1883; for context, that would be during the Chester A. Arthur administration).  I think it's safe to say we're catering to different audiences here.  Ali was my favorite Bachelorette bar none, and I still think she's great, but the blog is pretty much a snoozer.  Not to besmirch Ali's post-Bachelorette endeavors, but maybe the highly competitive blogging world isn't her best career option.  If she wasn't getting paid, you'd probably see some actual insight and insider dirt from her because she played the role brilliantly, but sadly we'll get none of that.  Throw it on the pile.

The other day I was thinking about awesome gigs that pay way too much, and Chris Harrison immediately came to mind.  Do you think he can turn off the host switch?  I bet he can't:

"Honey, I've got a great evening planned tonight.  Lots at stake here, so listen up.

We've got the sitter coming over at 5:30, then we'll be spending the evening dining at Applebee's where the two for $20 special is back.  Choose from any of eight delicious entrees, like the classic 7 ounce house sirloin, plus an appetizer to share, all for only 20 bucks.  

I've also arranged for two exclusive tickets through Fandango where we'll have a magical one-on-one date seeing Beauty and the Beast in decadent 3D.  As you know, if the stunning Belle can find true love with ghastly Beast before the rose sheds its last petal, he'll break the evil curse.  If not, it's the final rose of the night and he'll remain a beast forever.  Run time is about an hour and a half, so plan accordingly.  I know you're a big Jerry Orbach fan, and he's sublime as Lumière.  

Lots for you to think about.  Take a moment to get ready, and I'll be back in a few."

Word from our street team is that some people are losing interest in the show because Ben is a colossal bore, but I think this could be the best season yet.  Let me explain my thinking...

Last season of The Bachelor featured über-goober Brad Womack who was nearly surgical in his execution of a game plan.  Not only was he able to pick "none of the above" his first time through, but he was actually invited back!  (But only after being counseled by the former drummer for Go West.)  You have to respect that kind of chutzpah and commitment to douchebaggery.  During Brad's second run, we were introduced to the professional actress Michelle Money whose sole purpose was to win the game while mind-fucking (or at least softly mind-humping) the other girls.  She didn't "win," but she got pretty far.  Her biggest mistake was getting a little too pushy and pouring it on pretty thick.

Michelle's strong run set the stage for Bentley who was developed in a secret laboratory to mentally terrorize that stupid dentist Ashley, that is until Bentley's (ex?) wife decided the bad press was cutting into her boutique children's clothing business and he pulled the plug on the whole thing.  It's a real shame because Bentley had potential, too.  Brian Wilson SMiLE potential.  We'll never know what might have been.

With two plus seasons of of data, the producers have now unleashed their greatest creation to date:  Courtney Robinson.  Courtney isn't like the other foils we've seen before.  She's hotter, younger, smarter, and sassier than Michelle, and better yet she's composed of a mimetic polyalloy.  That's right, kids:  liquid metal.  While some worried about Skynet becoming self-aware, I was personally more creeped out by the prospect of time-traveling droids.

I know it's still early, but Courtney could actually deliver on the show's greatest promise, which I think is to have an evil, soulless automaton win the game.  Or at least the best possible representation of such a thing.  Michelle had no realistic shot at the title.  She was raw, old, orange-hued, and out of practice with real people.  She was better suited for more ambitious tasks like ruing Carlos Boozer's marriage (true story) and looking tan year round in Utah.  Courtney is hungrier and has more to prove, yet shows uncommon restraint when the situation warrants.  I think we're seeing something special taking shape here, and I want you all to pay close attention as it may be a while before we see something like it again.  Forget Ben.  Who cares about that idiot.  Focus on the ladies, people.

Fly fishing aficionado/sometimes model Courtney Robertson

The prim and proper Ali Fedotowsky isn't going to tell you stuff like this, but I will.  You ignore this season at your own peril.

Oh, let's not forget that perky Kacie B.  She's a darling.  I mean that too.  A very sweet, kind, and almost painfully innocent girl who appears to be emotionally stuck in neutral somewhere around age 15.  This is exactly the kind of girl who could get eaten alive by this amazing journey they're on with nothing left to show for it but a picked-clean carcass and scores of half-filled notebooks bearing bubbly script that reads "Kacie Flanjik" writ over and over.  You could see it in her eyes during her alone time with Ben.  This is a girl who already has prospective names picked out for their five future babies.  She's like Chantal O'Brien on steroids, but without the boobs or presumably the dad who owns a fleet of auto dealerships.  I like Kacie a lot, and it seems as though Ben does too, but the lap dog approach doesn't really have a favorable history on this show, and I also question Mr. Flajnik's sincerity.  There, I said it.

I know that there is still a lot of the overpopulated herd yet to thin, but I don't know what Rachel is still doing on the show.  Actually, I don't know why she was cast in the first place.  I guess they wanted a blonde with killer bangs?  The surest way to measure Ben's interest in someone is to see if he says something akin to "I really like where things are going with ______."  Pretty much the kiss of death there.  He tried to sell it, but Ben's not much of an actor, and Rachel sounds like an ornery sea lion.  The only thing that saved her was the presence of Next Entertainment staff member Monica and that sash-wearing helium head Samantha.  Otherwise, I think Rachel would have been doomed, no matter how "mellow and easy-going" she is.

It was during his date with Rachel where we saw how often this show leads to exchanges that come off as a job interview.  "What would you say is your biggest weakness?  If I were to call your previous employer, what would they say about you?"  I never thought of Ben as arrogant before his new role, but now he oozes with entitlement which looks out of place on him.  We're pretty far from the days of him sweating and groveling for Ashley's miniature hand.  Not much more entertaining, mind you, but there is a distinct swagger.  Why don't more women turn this on its head and ask what is so great about the Bachelor?  Maybe throw a few well-placed negs in there.  I think that's a winning tactic, actually.  This field is pretty weak on attitude.  No wonder Courtney is winning the group battle.

So to understand this correctly, consider that you have a house full of girls who are oozing drama and a cocktail of female hormones, and then the iconoclastic Courtney who doesn't really give a crap about how anything turns out as long as she's there another week.  I can see how that would work for Ben.  If he thinks, for whatever reason, that Courtney "gets it" (it = ?) and is the "least dramatic," that might be enough.  Well, she's hot too, which never hurts.  The variable in all of this is how serious Ben treats this show.  If he's just like "fuck it, no wives to be had here," then you have an entirely different set of motivations and potential outcomes.  Interestingly, though, I think the new and improved Michelle polls well in either scenario.

In composing notes for this write-up, I scribbled down something about Casey S. being vapid, but then saw just how truly vapid (and whiny) Samantha was.  Until now, we didn't get much of a sample of Sam, and now we see why.  Ben actually escorted Samantha out which was weird; usually the clingers don't get the VIP treatment.  Maybe he wanted to make extra sure that she left.  Later, Emily used "vapid" herself to describe Courtney, which is just stupid.  I love that word, but stuff like this is just diluting the integrity of our language.  We need to reserve these premium zingers for choicer moments rather than throw things around willy-nilly like Josh Freeman.  Check the numbers.

I got a little heat early on with my fawning adoration of Nicki, and you'll be happy to know that I've dialed it back some.  Yes, I see that her nose is "weird" and that she's a little loopy, but I'm still a fan, folks.  There are times when she's worthy of the high praise, and others when you wonder if its the lighting, or what.  Her comment about Ben showing up on a horse is "like something out of a movie" perfectly summed her up.  It is a movie, Nicki.  Oh, and you're wanted in makeup.  Though, the best line of the night for me was "I caught the fish and then her head almost popped off."  God that's good.  See, Michelle never said prosaic stuff like that.  That's pretty far from "vapid."

In case you missed it, Courtney basically took over the show in Week 4 and proved it with her little pouting exhibition that won her an "in case of emergency break glass" rose.  Ben wouldn't pull that little move for just anyone.  In fact, I don't think he does that for anyone other than Courtney.  What?  The model is pretending to be upset?  Get that woman a rose STAT!  Pathetic.  All that served to do was show Courtney that she can do anything she wants.  Nice going, dummy.  You're in charge.  Act like it.  When in doubt, ask:  "What Would Brad Do?"

I know that big shot blogger types like Reality Steve like to rail endlessly on the producers and how they can carve up video and mash it together to make it look like anything they want, but there are obvious limits to this, and his paranoia on this subject is a little worrisome.  Sorry, but they're not miracle workers.  If you don't say crazy shit, they can't invent it.  There's no question Courtney is pushing buttons and being obnoxious around just about everyone.  The only unresolved issue is how much of that is purely for dramatic effect.  Michelle could never quite solve this problem.  In her thirst to win, she let her crazy side bleed through and derail her mission.  The model might have things better under control (so far so good), but there's still a lot of time left to screw things up.  She's already completely in the head of Emily and Kacie, but that's low hanging fruit.  Let's see her take on more of a challenge or sustain it for a while.  It's too bad that embedded staff member Monica got the hook because she would have had the balls (perhaps literally) to mix it up with her.  I wonder if any of the ladies can make a tactical shift.  The purported "smartest" contestant is Emily, and she's already been reduced to rubble.  I honestly don't know if anyone is going to catch on.

"Okay, now give me serious.  Gorgeous."

Speaking of slow wits, crazy-eyed Jennifer got a crack at a date with Ben.  I think the red hair is mostly real, but it might be bottle-enhanced.  Still not completely sure on that, and yes it matters.  We keep hearing what an amazing kisser Jennifer is and little else beyond that.  I guess now you can add crater rappelling to that list.  Sorry, illegal crater rappelling.  I'm sure no one noticed when the cameraman in scuba gear showed up with a $100k submersible Canon HD rig.  Why they continue to insist that these dates as the brainchild of the lead I'll never understand.  Is this sort of like pro wrestling where we all tacitly admit that it's fake and don't care?  I swear, the show would be just as entertaining without the myth that Ben is bankrolling and planning these exotic dates himself.

At dinner, Ben had to make sure that Jennifer was cool with dating wealthy trust fund kid who keeps his own hours at the winery (and whatever other media events he'll be attending after the show airs).  By contrast, I'm guessing if this doesn't work out, Jennifer will be scouring craigslist for "Missed Connections."  So yeah, I think she's okay with your wacky schedule.  This whole date was just straight up uncomfortable.  Jennifer has to grow beyond the "good kisser" stereotype, and yet her biggest achievement was kissing... while treading water.  Not the stuff finals are made of.

We got yet another sad music act on this show which is about as weak and forced as watching a bunch of American Idol contestants rolling around town in a convoy of Ford Foci while singing show tunes.  No, I don't know who Clay Walker is, and neither do you.  Might as well be Bankie Banx.

As if we needed confirmation, Ben's about as bad of a dancer as Brad was, and there's no way he knows a single thing about country music much less knew Clay Walker lyrics.  I see him as more of a Phish kind of guy.  Or whatever this is.

I ask because I don't know:  Are skinny ties officially back?  Please tell me this an anomaly.  I know I'm embedded deep within flyover country where the hipster movement lagged about five years behind the rest of the country, but this is something I'll need time to brace for if it's real.

Okay, now for the truly depressing:  Emily is making the classic error of being the tattle-tale, and worse, she seems to be unable to stave off the urge (it actually seems to spill into next week).  No one likes a Cindy Brady, and this franchise is littered with the corpses of those who don't believe the cruel lessons of history.  It always blows up in their face.  Always.  It's pretty much reality show truism 1A.   In her blog, Ali said she liked it when people did this on her season of The Bachelorette and even encouraged the practice (which I remember).  Nice revisionist history there.  While she did ask guys to cry foul to her, she resented it just like everyone else would.  There might not be a bigger sign of insecurity and weakness.  It's like saying "I can't handle this.  Please send me home."  In fact, if you're not a waifish model, it's even more likely to result in that outcome.

You have to love estrogen-fueled aggression, especially in the realm of reality TV.  Here you have 105 pound model who is threatening to "rip the head off" of other girls for sport.  If some jackass did this on The Bachelorette around a bunch of dudes, blood would be spilled.  I think Courtney is about as tough as a yapping Pomeranian, but it's enough noise to put people off their game.  Emily is sobbing uncontrollably basically because a girl looked at her the wrong way.  That's going to hurt her stock... a lot (as you'll see below).  And here I was a big fan too.  It's too bad, but you do have to have more of a spine to win.  Emily doesn't have it.  Worse, she brought this on herself.

"I'm a nice person don't fuck with me."

I'd love to know what would happen if someone did indeed "fuck with her."

So with Samantha already mercifully gone, only Monica gets cut which is an event more worthy of Week 1 than 4.  Monica had her early moments of faux lesbianism and being the yin to Jenna's miserable yang, but oddly she turned into the reasonable house mom who was just happy to be getting free food and lodging.  Maybe I'm alone, but I'm a little sad her one-on-one time was left on the cutting room floor.  They were probably talking about how the show would be edited going forward an other logistical items.  I was absolutely stunned to see this woman cry in the limo.  If that's acting, bravo.  I almost have to think it was.

The merely semi-vapid Casey S. was probably close to being on the chopping block here, but is attractive enough to fight on another week.  Her clear homage to Stevie Nicks circa Stand Back was curious. I really hope that look isn't back.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced (like, 95% sure) Courtney is absolutely modeling her Bachelor persona after Kristen Wiig's SNL character Penelope.  The similarities are too close to be purely coincidental, I think.  You tell me.  The hair playing?  The one-upsmanship?

"I was just there two months ago."

"I can go higher than anybody."

Sure seems like performance art to me.

Let's see where we're at with stock prices:

1. Lindzi (43.40 per share, +2.30, buy rating):  Lindzi did nothing explicitly to help her cause this week, but nothing to hurt it either.  She came off well in her date with Ben last week and is rising in a relative sense by holding strong.  No observable drama... yet.
2. Kacie B. (38.83, -4.39, long-term accumulate):  Kacie ran into some trouble after the opening bell when Goldman Sachs lowered their price target to 35.  She's going to have some difficulty maintaining support at this inflated price which was due to some early irrational exuberance.  We still like her chances, along with the underlying fundamentals, but her stock ran overheated for a few weeks and needs to consolidate somewhat.
3. Nicki (34.98, +1.33, buy):  Nicki is still a strong contender, but we haven't really seen every facet of her game yet.  She might have mom jeans in the closet.
4. Emily (33.29, -7.12, hold):  Ouch!  This was the loser of the week.  Emily should have put on a happy face and bit her cheek, but no, she had to disclose revised earnings before the bell.  Expect to see an accounting firm change if she has any hope of recovery.  We're not optimistic based on the futures market.
5. Jennifer (32.55, unch, hold):  Jennifer's date was puzzling.  Ben wasn't exactly gushing with praise.  Among this group, she's still hanging in there, but the crazy-eyes were getting a workout.  Don't panic sell, but have a stop-loss put in just in case.
6. Courtney (32.02, +4.39, buy):  Courtney showed that she can push people around who are not as emotionally equipped to handle her.  She also showed the ability to control Ben's behavior to some extent.  I still discount her deeply due to past flame-outs of notable antagonists such as Michelle and Bentley, but this is a stock that could easily pop if the moving averages cross on high volume.  Watch this situation closely and be ready to move in strong.
7. Elyse (29.38, -1.28, hold):  Elyse has been somewhat invisible lately, and I think she's probably doomed ultimately.  However, this price is reflective of market optimism.  I'd sit on it until you see some news next week.
8. Jamie (27.12, -3.84, sell):  Time has probably run out on Jamie.  While she's staying above the fray, you probably at least need to show up.  She's starting to get the Sixth Sense treatment of not existing.
9. Casey S. (24.77, -4.91, sell):  Weird wardrobe aside, Casey is a very pretty girl who sadly has no personality and has made the odd choice of buddying up with the mean girl.  This isn't a team sport, so consider liquidating your position in favor of better returns.
10. Rachel (22.12, +1.74, reduce):  Rachel didn't embarrass herself, but the rose had little meaning other than to say "there are worse than you."  Expect nothing more than a dead-cat bounce, if that, and find a convenient exit strategy.
11. Blakeley (19.42, -5.69, strong sell):  All we saw of Blakeley was some fancy stomp dancing.  It's been a complete tailspin since the infamous "corner incident."  Get out now while this stock still has some residual value.
12. Shawntel (0.00, unch, delisted):  It was a run.

Fake Tales of San Francisco, sponsored by Honda™

In 1984's wildly imagined Amadeus, Miloš Forman deftly captures Mozart as a tempestuous prodigy whose musical genius is only equaled in magnitude by his human frailty and epicurean proclivities.  Although it won a staggering eight Academy Awards, the leads in the film, most notably Tom Hulce and Elizabeth Berridge, had mostly forgettable careers.  F. Murray Abraham, who played rival composer Antonio Salieri, is probably better recognized as a somewhat miscast Omar Suarez in Scarface.


In a twist that has to have angered his descendants, Salieri, who was a real guy, was depicted as an insanely jealous and sadistically vengeful contemporary who preyed on Mozart's numerous shortcomings driving him to succumb to "consumption" or some other silly catch-all malady that hasn't been diagnosed in centuries.  Early in the film, the venerable court composer Salieri develops an intense if one-sided rivalry with young Mozart where both men push each other to pen sublime scores for opera.  The rivalry becomes an embarrassing rout when Salieri can't hope to keep up with the prodigious Mozart who seems to be merely transcribing notes sent by God himself.


Joseph II, Holy Roman Emperor during this period, served as a well-meaning but perhaps tin-eared music critic.  At one point he publicly declared an opera written by Salieri to be the "best music yet written."  Later, he had the same pat review for Mozart following the performance of his newest opera, though he also decided that there were "simply too many notes" and that he should "just cut a few."


I only bring this up because this latest episode feels a bit like a piece by Salieri, at least as imagined for the big screen.  It had all of the elements of a great work, and at times I was genuinely entertained, but in the end it just felt like something that could have really shone if placed in the right hands.  Sure, I loved throwing hot but creepy Shawntel Nelson back into mix, and that was truly an inspired movement, but couldn't it have come a few measures earlier in the score?  I think all of the notes were there, but maybe in the wrong order.  Look, I'm sure the real (non-jerkface) Salieri was a lovely man who composed many terrific works.  He just never wrote an Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.


Ben is surely no Mozart, but he can sure churn out a mean three chords of David Gray.  It's been a while since I dusted off my CD of White Ladder.  He's basically my generation's Christopher Cross.


So here we go again, but this time in Ben's other claimed home town of San Francisco.  He's eager to tell his prudish sister Julia about all of the fab women he's been hooking up with, including the "drama-free" model with the weird lips, the Lipizanner dressage champion, the future CDC head, and of course the great-kissing accountant.  His characterization of Courtney had to be the most amusing, along with Julia's knee-jerk rejection to the idea that she'd get along famously with "the model."  I don't think those two would last five minutes around each other.  At this point I'm pulling for Courtney in the finals fueled by the mere hope that Ben's family would have to meet her.  I think he's genuinely clueless about her at the start of this episode, but not so sure he's in the dark for long.  Julia casually observed "this will be a very funny story to talk about later on in life."  I'm honestly surprised that made it to air.  This show is about love, Jules.


So this is the first close look we get at Emily, and I have to say that lived up to expectations.  Of course I have no idea how fast that hamster wheel is spinning in Ben's head or in which direction, but she seems to have a lot of qualities one would look for in a long-term relationship:  smart, funny-ish, playful, self-effacing, ambitious, and uncrazy (following a preliminary scan for crazy).  If Ben is thinking wife (why would he), Emily is probably current option number one given three shows worth of data.  However, if he's looking for more of an adventure, there are many other options available ranging from chop to power frappé.


If you're playing Bachelor Bingo at home, I hope you checked off "send the girl with intense vertigo on a date doing things high up."  We also had a new entry under producer-rigged moments with "girls spot the couple climbing the Bay Bridge from five miles away using a low magnification boutique telescope."  That video of Michael Vick throwing a football out of the stadium seemed less rigged.


For any holdouts who refuse to believe in corporate intervention, I give you the "leap list."  What's that?  You've never heard of the leap list (but feel like you should have because you're a super-connected and hyper-aware interweb maven)?  Well, let Ben and hand-selected others educate you on what is sure to be the next big twitter trending topic (#leaplist).  Bucket lists are for old bastards and are too morbid, so to zazz things up for the barren hipster crowd with lots of disposable income, Honda's marketing gurus dreamed up this uninspired nugget to somehow drum up interest in their chick car SUV thingy.  Things like this probably look good on paper during that late night marketing meeting over some Papa Johns, but the execution is so forced and plainly stupid that they should be publicly ridiculed for even trying.  For commercializing an already contrived (but highly epic) journey, the embedded reality show commercial gets an unprecedented three Alex Michels for uber lameness.  And as much as I enjoy summer snow skiing in bikinis, they just as easily could have got there on a chartered bus.  Or a convoy of '98 Ford Explorers.


An interesting feature about Ben is that he very clearly telegraphs (like, clear as day) whether he likes someone or not.  For whatever reason he asks that chick with the Kim Carnes voice if she wants to talk for a bit, and she obliges by being a vapid waste of precious air and water.  So what does Ben do?  Taps into his inner ADHD and finds things like the floor and his hands more interesting than anything coming out of her mouth, which was probably true.  We've seen him frustrated before, and Ben unleashed a gratuitous "I get it" right between the eyes of poor Rachel.  Not catching even one of the myriad tepid body language signals that he was loudly projecting, Rachel decides now would be a good time to suck out Ben's life force through his throat.  Rachel isn't part of the mean girl drama factory.  She's mostly harmless and can be removed with a few dabs of club soda, but I think everyone is already bored with her big close up.


Brittney leaving was only a curveball, and maybe not even that.  Maybe more of a cut fastball.  Ben was going to kick her to the curb, and she was smart enough to go out on her own.  The producers love the ol' one-on-one date heave-ho, and it's basically psychological torture for the people getting dumped because 1) they usually have no idea and 2) they aren't mentally ready to leave.  For as dopey as she sounded, you have to hand it to Brit for sniffing this one out.  Ben's getting a little too much attitude anyway.  He's starting to get that Captain Jake Pavelka swagger about him, and we know that those are checks his body can't cash.  Ben is more suited for flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong, if you know what I mean.


I'll be honest:  I'd never heard of this Matt Nathanson dude before.  Reminds me a little of Dave Matthews.  Shazam didn't do me any favors either, so this must've been recorded on show.  Usually they can swing a bigger name than Matt Nathanson, even if they have to reel them in on their way down to performing in casinos.  The Barenaked Ladies weren't above this kind of thing.  Neither was Seal.  Sure it was a good dozen years in the rear view of their peak, but still.  Please don't email me if this guy is some kind of mega superstar that I'm just totally clueless about.


Lindzi (it honestly pains me to type that) looks to be a pretty strong contender, no?  I think I discounted her as being nothing more than the kooky horse whisperer, but she seemed to have a few hidden facets working.  Move her on up the big board (updated below).  She looks way older than 27, though (Ben:  "Right?").  Just sayin'.


As I said in the opening, bringing Shawntel back wasn't a terrible idea at all.  It's actually quite brilliant, so it must have been an intern that suggested it.  The only issue I have with it was how they executed it.  You can't just drop her in there with the sharks.  That was doomed to fail.  At least give her a chance to supplant ol' horseface, that weird gay girl, or lip tat.  Instead they decide to do an extended commercial for the Honda Civic's award winning Bluetooth capabilities where Harrison tells her that her move is "bold" even though her follow-though ended up being one of the more laughably bad entrances and exits in show history.  I was a fan of Shawntel on Brad's season, a big fan, and was actively promoting her as a Bachelorette candidate (falling on VERY deaf ears... morons).  She could have pulled it off too.  But whatever this is?  This is not what I signed up for.  Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the fact that they parachuted her deep within enemy territory without a map, but she's was absolutely lost out there.  I felt a little sorry for Morticia.  This is part of her legacy now.

"You're cool with Shawntel, right Kacie?"

Some of the girls didn't seem to grasp that Ben and Shawntel knew each other, especially that future Nobel Prize laureate Elyse.  "You don't know Ben! You were with Brad's season."  She knows him better than anyone in the house.  She probably knows him better than Harrison does, and those guys are bros.  Whether that's any evidence of their potential for the elusive connection, who the hell knows, but it's at least as good of a vetting process as any of them went through.


The real genius of sending in Whatsherbutt, though, was to see the near pyroclastic reactions to her.  It was astounding to watch so many women absolutely lose their collective shit.  I'm especially looking at you, Elyse.  Calm the hell down already.  If I'm Ben, I'm pulling out a notebook and making detailed entries during that debacle.  (Yes, a real notebook.)  It was not unlike chum-infused waters during a piranha feeding, but I think even a carnivorous fish with razor-sharp teeth and a lack of higher brain function would display more composure.


Jaclyn, who we have to assume is extorting Mike Fleiss in exchange for three weeks on the show, keenly observes:  "Like, we don't reuse Brad's dumpster trash."  Horseface is dead wrong, though.  Ashley was Brad's dumpster trash.  Hell, Ben is Ashley's dumpster trash.  Ben is the trash of trash.  Jaclyn is about to be the trash of trash of trash.  See where we're going here?  The entire franchise is based around reusing dumpster trash.  Brad just happens to have been on a lot, so he has more dumpster trash floating around.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, I feel like I'm gonna throw up."  On a scale of 1 to 10, you're ugly. 

I think I speak for the entire male viewing population when I say it's truly a pity that we'll be denied such a timeless beauty the rest of the way.


The rose ceremony truly was magical, and I never use hyperbole like that.  Even with all of the unrealized potential, this was about as good of an ending and compelling TV as we've seen in a while.  Seeing a woman nearly pass out over Shawntel just being there is a win in my book.  I know I'm a tough critic, maybe the toughest Bachelor blogger out there, but I have to hand it to the writers producers here.  They hit a home run.  The thing is, though, it could have been a walk-off grand slam with a wild celebration at home plate rather than the inside-the-park job they pulled.  Had Shawntel stayed?  Wow.  Don't even tease me with that thought.  And to think... they had it within their grasp.  They may never get that kind of shot again.


Shawntel showed a little extra crazy that we never got to see with Brad.  I know I went on and on about how normal she was back then, but there was a crack in the façade this time.  She actually shed real tears over this.  Was she even there long enough to get her parking validated?  I figured she'd get sent home and that would be that, but she did the awkward post-dismissal linger.  She might actually want this to happen.  Well, good news, Miss Nelson.  No one ever gets married on this show.  Just hang around until the summer and you have as good of a chance as any of dating Ben, if that's your thing.


The "resuscitation" of Erika was maybe the clumsiest thing I've ever seen (don't they staff a doctor/nurse on set?) with relevant advice spanning from pregnancy to anemia to hypoglycemia.  I would have loved to see her with a doughnut and glass of orange juice while they run an IV with her head secured between her legs.  "Breathe in through you nose and out through your mouth."  No one is blaming the lip tat, but that's the first place I look.  Maybe ink poisoning.  Here's hoping Erika and Jaclyn retire from reality showdom.  They would be perfectly awful on Bachelor Pad.


So I promised I was going to update some rankings and the like.  Here you go.  First, ladies were assembled into tiers according to their infatuation level with Benjamin:


In Love <3 <3 <3 OMG!!!!111!!!!one:


Kacie B.
Jennifer
Nicki


In Like:


Lindzi
Emily
Rachel


In like:


Casey S.
Jamie
Elyse


In yeah... whatever:


Courtney


Just happy to be drinking for free:


Monica


Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs:


Blakeley



No clue:


Samantha




Next, we rank women in order of likelihood to win it all.  Still not sure how the finals shake out (somehow managed to avoid spoilers), but here is my official commentary:

1. Kacie B. is probably still the best bet to win based on how Ben acts with her, but her flaw is painful immaturity.  She's more like a girl than a woman.  She's exceptionally cute and stubbornly loyal.  These are also perfect traits for a puppy.  We'll have to see if she has much depth to carry this to the finish.
2. Emily is by far the most well-rounded of the bunch.  She's also a bit less exciting, but the long term potential is huge.  Could start to challenge Kacie depending on what he's looking for.
3. Lindzi is moving up the charts fast.  Serious potential here.
4. Jennifer is starting to come off like a stalker/groupie.  She has plenty of enthusiasm, but might want to start dialing that back a bit.
5. Nicki basically lost her mind during the Shawntel debacle and is pushing a little too hard.  Nicki also isn't terribly bright and has weird emotional swings.
6. Courtney is doing what Michelle Money couldn't with Brad, and it's working.  So far.  Made a few missteps with the taunts, but Ben is willing to overlook some of it to date a model.  I just wish she'd stop playing with her hair. 
7. Jamie reminds me a bit of Emily in her demeanor.  Could be some potential, but she's being forgotten by Ben and the audience alike.
8. Casey S. is very cute but way too standoffish.  Time is running out here.
9. Elyse had maybe the most visceral reaction to Shawntel and was a bumbling mess talking to Ben.  Needs to chill.
10. Samantha is the beauty pageant winner, right?  I can't remember.
11. Blakeley seems like she's skating the razor's edge of sanity every minute.  Shock therapy candidate.
12. Rachel is as dumb as Cheeto®  dust. 
13. Monica is like the official UN observer of this trainwreck.  I have no idea what she's doing there.

Had Shawntel stayed, I would have placed her somewhere in the top 5.  She already had a history with Ben, and he obviously likes her.  However, keeping her would have killed any chance with the remaining women.  His best odds were to keep the 13 he has.  I still wish that I could visit the parallel universe where Shawntel got a rose and all hell broke loose.  Show mutiny?  We'll never know...

Sonoma? Never Heard of It.

If The Bachelor has a proper vintage, it's probably around episode two or three.  Most of the astringent tannins have softened (or degraded altogether), yet you still have a complex bouquet and taste that only the most refined palates can properly appreciate.  However, there's the very real and unfortunatle possibility of cork taint screwing with the entire batch.


This time around we find Prince Pinot of Sonoma inviting his Merry Band of Eighteen to his charming hometown for a week of hot flashes and night sweats fueled by alcohol and fresh cut crazy.  We first greet our nobleman walking his mighty steed, a spry Jack Russell named "Scotch," as he saunters down an unassuming sidewalk wearing powder blue Keds and still ripe from a lack of proper bathing.  It was a shrewd tactical play for Ben to decide (all by himself with no help from anyone else on the show) on this particular moment for a surprise mega hometown date, but this is the kind of turn-the-show-on-its-ear craziness this wild man of wine has ushered in this season.  Critics might call him "safe" or "quiet" or "mollifying" but I say a man this dangerous shouldn't be given a multi-million dollar travel budget and a week where anything goes.  You never know what might happen.  Someone could get, you know, pregnant.  Or maybe we'll have to break out the Neosporin.


As predicted last week, Courtney reprised her starring role as the duplicitous, self-absorbed, back-stabbing Michelle Money (minus eight years), but no one asked Ms. Money if she was licensing the role or granting Fair Use in the hopes that people might somehow confuse the two.  I have to admit, it's sometimes difficult to tell given that both seem intent on playing the role with as much theatrical flair as Mike Tyson in Hangover Part II.  "How'd that taste coming out of your mouth?"  No, Courtney.  How'd that taste coming out of your mouth, bitch.


The Emmy Rossum-ish Kacie got first shot at the unfrozen caveman, and why not.  There's really nothing to dislike about her.  Sure that laugh should be arrested for disorderly conduct, but it's a small price to pay.  And he can probably force her to stop doing that with some well-placed nagging, right?  They have years to figure that stuff out.  I give Ben kudos for getting this one right, and he was rewarded with an enchanted evening in the newly formed ghost town of what used to be a somewhat populated Sonoma.  Ben is acting like he just bought Sonoma.  Wait, did he?


I'll just assume Ben's mom paid for it, much like the boutique winery he purports to run with his "buddies."  One day, after a few years of making sick bank as an internet sales guy and becoming disillusioned with the non-stop party scene, Ben returned home to his roots to take up a hobby that only pretentious rich guys dream of doing after they've started liquidating their 401(k)s.  Question:  What varietal is best on a hot day?  Answer:  A trust fund.  And a dry riesling.


Kacie is, well, effervescent I suppose captures it, but you have to wonder if she'd even find a way to have fun during a home invasion.  There doesn't seem to be a moment when she isn't smiling like it's her fifth birthday.  Whether that's due to Ben, or this journey they're on, or maybe narcotics, there isn't much that can cramp this southerner's style.  The home videos of her twirling baton, some of which appear to have been shot within the last decade, suggest a woman who couldn't likely tell you how much a gallon of gas costs.  Ben is still caught in the mode of trying every flavor of ice cream in the parlor and can't be bothered with which one tastes better than the other.  Well, except for Prailines 'N' Jenna.  He all but offered Kacie a spot next to him working the land in Northern California for the next 50 years.  I don't have the calculus totally figured out there, but Kacie seems like she might have options.


Oh shit, is Seal going to sing again?


False alarm.  It's a movie... which dispels any possible notion that Kacie has had a bad day, hair-based or otherwise, in her entire life.  But damn if shit didn't just get real with the gratuitous video of what is now surely the most referenced dead dad in the world.  Seems a just a hint.. no, maybe a whisper from an angel's breath of being over the top.  Just something to think about, ABC.


I'll say it:  Kacie is the early favorite.  That whole interlude even made this battle-hardened blogger choke up.  Again, I'm shooting blind here.  I'm spoiler-free in 2012, so long as I can avoid them.  I think even Wikipedia is corrupted now.


On the other side of the tracks, Blakeley really wants that rose.  Just ask her massive tits.  They'll tell you.  I hadn't noticed them before, but I also hadn't really paid attention to that "holy shit what the hell is that on your arm" tattoo either.  That looks like the kind of ink you get to distract from third degree burns.  Word on the street is that there are more where those came from too.  Those crazy kids actually had the brilliant idea for Blakeley to jog in slow-motion.  Well, I want to live in a world where they came up with this on their own, but it sounded more like something the producers cooked up.  This episode seemed even more tampered with than usual, and that's saying something.  Am I not entertained?  Oh, I am.  "She did good," observed little Jimmy.


I just have to say, I love those dang kids.  They deserved an Emmy for their work out there.  I think there's no better way to sift through the dreck than to let kids be the judge.  If you suck, they'll let you know.  No one was safe, not even my girl Nicki who made the horrific choice of busting out "the sprinkler" for her "sexy dance."  No, see,  that's that kind of thing that Jonah Hill would do.


I'm not much of a fan, but Blakeley sure looked like she'd been there before.  Might be a little too VIP for a cocktail waitress.  That epidemiologist might come in handy yet.  I want to share in the disbelief that Jaws got a rose, but I'm really not.  Again, it's early, and we're still in the primordial ooze phase of this competition.  What better to rattle the hen house than this?  We're now up to three button pushers:  Monica the weirdo, Courtney, and Dr. Teeth here.  Best part about this one is the twist on the twist.  You think you can handle Blakeley?  She's so crazy, she'll make you cry and then outcry you.  That's the kind of game changer I'm looking for.  The women can't handle someone like that, and Ben sure as hell had no idea what she was doing there.  I think at one point he checked for a pulse after Blakeley was curled up in the corner like a shivering meth addict.  "No thank you."  No, it's okay, Blakey baby, we're plum out of drugs for the night.


As part of his looks-first campaign, Ben went after Courtney with his next one-on-one date.  Probably was eager to wash the taste of Blakeley's veneer glue out of his mouth.  While the producers did everything in their power to convince us that this was a burgeoning love-affair, these two went on a date as if they weren't sure if they were related or not.  If there was ever an example captured on video of someone not "kissing back," this had to be it.  Courtney went with the tortured soul defense, but she did just about everything in her power to not discuss anything personal and to just keep the chain moving down the field rather than taking any shots at the end zone.  Ben seemed genuinely interested, but then again he kept ol' horse-face Jaclyn for a second day (so strange).  I was cringing when Ben tried the same "come out the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs" offer on Courtney, and he was politely rebuffed.  Models don't date Ben types.  At least not after the cameras are off.

Ben:  "I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life."
Courtney:  "I'm happy for you."  (i.e., GFY)
Ben:  "But, you're like that too, right?"
Courts:  "Oh yeah, totally.  Right."
Ben:  "We're like twins, you and me."
C-Dawg: "Yep."
Ben:  "Kiss?"
Heidi Klum:  "Sure, whatever."

Magical.


Somehow Courtney's "omigoshwhatever" act is charming Ben.  Nevermind the somehow, I get it.  Michelle Jr. lives to fight another day.


Some of the best lines were delivered late.  Two beauts:

"I'm not a girl, if that makes sense."

Not in the least.

"Just 13 roses to hand out tonight."

I'm starting to warm up to Emily.  No, I am.  I didn't really like her at first, but seeing all of these women self-immolate has me reconsidering.  It's still early.  We might see one or two late moves.


Also, we need much more of Elyse.  C'mon, man.


Jaclyn.  Yeah, I'm as confused as you are.  Absolutely no idea what's going on there.


The 42 foot blonde Casey S. gets a rose after going mute for two hours.  Hang in there, hot babe.


Dark horse candidate:  Jamie.  She seems to be the most normal of the bunch.  Sort of like being the Chinese gymnast with the biggest boobs.


Current (completely uninformed) rankings to win Ben's heart for a few months:


1.  Kacie (currently not close, like Secretariat 31 lengths not close)
2.  Nicki
3.  Jennifer
4.  Emily
5.  Jamie


The only other interesting person is Lindzi, but I think she's basically insane.


Speaking of insane, we now close with The Dismissal of Jenna, in stunning pictorial detail:

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