Muchos Besos

I love Episode 3 each season.  Such a wonderful convergence of adrenaline, estrogen, and angst.  It rarely disappoints.  This time around we get a pool party, so you know it’s gonna be a good times.

Of course we’re still hanging around L.A. which means we have less travel distractions and can really dissect these ladies with surgical precision.  Sometimes, though, they implode on their own, so all there is to do is analyze the goo that’s left behind, followed by a thorough disinfectant.  We’ve already toe-tagged Victoria (the Brazilian) who self-immolated with minimal encouragement, and thusly I have high expectations for the rest of these pillars of psychological fortitude.  

Though I must say that I’m beginning to be charmed by a few of these lovelies.  It’s true.  I’ve really let my guard down this season and I’m putting myself out there.  I know I’ve been hurt before, but you have to take some risks, you know?

Not high on my list is primero one-on-oner Cassandra, the ex-NBA dancer.  So I wonder: what is she doing now?  Maybe nothing.  Hell, I just assume most of those occupations are made up or randomly selected.  We do seem to have a lot of free spirits, dog lovers, and other bullshit titles this season.  I’m kind of hopeful this continues.  I could see a lot of “recurring reality show celebrity,” “experimental drug trial recipient,” “not here for the right reasons,” or “daytime Emmy winner” among others.

Back to Cassandra, the former NBA dancer (which contrasts the current NBA dancer Kat and current NHL Ice Girl and current ex-Bachelor cast member Alexis).  This reminds me to talk about Kat in a bit.  My god, we need to talk about Kat.  So, right, Cassandra.  The lanky, pointy, clefty mommy.  She’s okay I guess.  Juan seems to think she’s pretty stellar.  I guess he liked her taut behind during the salsa portion of the talent contest.  It was a nice butt, I will say that much.  I guess I’m tentatively on board, but I feel like this fish should be thrown back as soon as we’re getting some more nibbles elsewhere.  Of the single mom pool, Cassandra is probably tops, but that’s not much of an endorsement.

Their date was pretty dumb:  some kind of car-boat hybrid thing (the “Panther”) as a prelude to dinner back at Casa de Juan.  Maybe a little kid refrigerator art, a little wine, a little dancing, and who knows?  It did have a bit of a fantasy suite vibe to it, even if there was no key and implied invitation to sex it up.  They did jump hand-in-hand into the ocean from a boat, and now they’re swapping kid stories and nuzzling on a couch.  Is the finale next week or something?  I feel like we’re on an accelerated schedule, or maybe they shot the episodes out of order (my oft-raised Christopher Nolan time-shifting concept.. some day).  Like I said, though, Cassandra isn’t really going to cut it here.  This was definitely the signature episode for botched kissing, if that’s your thing.  At least there are boobs later.

"Zero to fun in just fifteen seconds."  I made that up.

Meanwhile at the mansion, Kelly (dog lover and not-hot redhead) was drinking all of the $8 Sauvignon Blanc and complaining about being ugly and insufferable.  Elsewhere in the mansion, Renee was doing her best to provide therapy to whichever blonde it was that said her mom had a long horrible bout with melanoma.  “Did she get better?”  “No, she died, babe.”  Almost as awkward as that botched kiss.  Some hugs were exchanged, though.  Renee is definitely a strong candidate for house therapist.  Victoria kind of died on her watch, but she’s making a strong rebound getting others through their own tragedies.

Let’s get that soccer exhibition out of the way.  It’s probably easier to book a stadium in the US before we start wandering around the globe again.  I got the impression that Juan felt like this was a good opportunity to showcase his eroding skills in the hopes that some scout would be watching.  There was even a “Bend it like Juan Pablo” moment.  Maybe not so much a bend as a slight curve.  At some point it seems that the LA Galaxy might have been in attendance, but I think it was probably just a bunch of the crew in Herbalife jerseys.

Not that the girls were any good at the beautiful game, but Sharleen definitely played exactly like you'd imagine an opera singer would, taking a lot of unnecessary punishment in the process. I thought about saying “balls to the face,” but felt that was a little much.  Juan did find a way to run her over like a tackling dummy.  I assume he helped her up.  I think they edited that part out, though.  (Just checked again.  He did not help her up.)

Sharleen taking one to the melon.

I do like that Juan has no concerns about group date dynamics and hurt feelings.  He’s just kind of going for it all out there.  Usually group dates are fairly boring, but these have been sensational in total volume of souls tortured and tears shed.  Nikki went in for some alone time and got no besos.  Andi, however, got muchos besos en la cocina.  I’m a big Andi fan, so nice going there, cabrón.  Even the super chaste and clinical Sharleen got in on the action, and in the most public way possible.  At first it seemed like we were going to get night one Sharleen where she gets all frumpy and weird, but instead we still got that, yet Juan was like “screw this” and went in for the kiss anyway.  At least I think that’s still considered kissing (in some countries).  As bad as it was, it still looked hot and heavy to the hens sitting 100 yards away who couldn’t stop obsessing about it.

“This is my life.”  

Yeah, not a bad gig you got there.

Just to mix things up, Nikki got the rose for playing hard to get.  Better yet, it thoroughly messed with the fragile psyches of the girls that he did kiss.  Pretty shrewd move if you ask me.

I have to say that the second half of this episode really shone.  In no uncertain order:  bikini pool party(!), Elise’s struggle with maturity (and math), and some girl named “Chelsie” emerging as a legit option.

As Chelsie rides off in the Tesla jamming Venezuelan music (I think this), Elise (the first grade teacher and veteran of an 8 year relationship) kind of loses her mind over it.  And really, no one is quite sure why.  The sequence went something like this:

“I’m not worried.  She’s a little girl.  He’ll figure that out.  I’m fine.  I'm good.  It's all good.”

“She’s not ready to be a mom.  She’s the furthest thing from a mom.  It’s she going to be Camila’s step mom?  There’s no way that will ever happen.”

“She’s definitely going home.  There’s no way she can stick around.  She’s a baby.  Whenever I look at her all I see is a baby.”

“Do you know how old she is?”  “I think she’s 25 or maybe 26?  How old are you?”  “27.”

And we can safely infer there was a good hour of additional footage we didn’t see.  Of course the real answer is that Chelsie is “only” 24, so maybe Elise was onto something here.  We haven’t had that exciting of a maturity conversation since Doug and Chris engaged in the world’s worst verbal slap fight over who was a better potential husband for Emily.    I have no idea why Elise was so threatened by this one girl getting a date, but then I suppose there’s only room for one blonde teacher on the show.  I’ll take the science teacher over the glorified babysitter every time.

Elise will at least be comforted to know that Chelsie had a terrible time on her date, except that the opposite of that happened.  I’ll admit that, unlike in Elise’s world, Chelsie was nowhere on my radar, but after seeing more of her, I’m moving her into the official Real Epic Journey Top Five (stay tuned below).

To this point I think JP has done a fairly good job of being an innocuous Bachelor and inducing the ladies to do their naturally crazy thing, but an annoying trend has emerged and I’m worried it’s going to continue.  Whenever a girl is uncomfortable or in need or reassurance, suddenly “Daddy Juan” appears and starts in with his awful baby talk (the accent surely makes it worse).  I’m sorry, but everyone can’t be your little buttercup sugar dumpling sunshine, and you can’t smooth things over like they’re three years old.  Amazingly, this seems to have worked for the most part, but this is a pretty awful long term strategy.  It was in turbo overdrive with Chelsie when she was having a near anxiety attack about the idea of jumping off a bridge.  Of course it didn’t help that they just stood there on a ledge discussing the jump for 10 minutes while staring down at uncertain death, but that’s another matter.  Suddenly Juan turns into this smothering cuddle monster:  “Look at me.  I’m here for you.  We can do this together.”  This went on and on.  I’m all for reassurance, but that was pushing its reasonable limits.  It was uncomfortable.  I thought he was going to squeeze her to death.

"If the cord snaps, not saying it will, just let your body go limp.  Okay?"

Oh well, it’s still early.   He does seem to have a desperate need for all women to be in love with him at all times.  “How are you?”  “I’m alright.”  “Just alright?”  He even broke down Sharleen’s well-honed defenses with his baby talk nonsense.  Eventually he’ll get some resistance on that, and it could turn ugly, especially if he keeps insisting they stare into his beady little eyes that don’t quite look in the same direction.  Just saying, there’s some risk there.

If you’re keeping tally, that’s the first extreme outdoor adventure and the first use of a GoPro this season.  Unfortunately it’s the second private concert by a mildly successful musician, but the first with a recent arrest record.  Terroristic threats and abuse of an elderly person? Terrific.  Does he steal free shoes from orphans too?

But none of this really matters, because we have a pool party to get to, and I think I speak for everyone when I say “I love you, Kat.”  I think Juan Pablo agreed since he found a clever way to position his head millimeters from her, uh, kitty.  But the real stars of the show were those prodigious mams that bounced with so much purpose and, um, inertia.  It’s amazing how an also-ran can suddenly appear out of nowhere.  All it took was a green bikini and a favorable interaction with gravity.  Well, maybe she's a one week superstar, but it was a hell of a reveal.  Let’s keep our eyes on those things and see what emerges.  I forget which of these jealous bitches called poor Kat a “whore,” but really she’s only a whore because it’s not you.  Well, medical sales reps are technically whores too.  Valid point.  Still, the whore did score a nice deep tissue massage.

Yep.

Of course all of this sudden Kat attention (honestly, they were all impressed) caused immediately hurt feelings and self-doubt.  Clare took things especially hard and hid behind a large wooden door for some reason.  This had shades of Victoria sobbing in a restroom stall, but maybe not quite that crazy.  Afterall, these two had a real connection in the shimmery snows of L.A. mere days ago.  And to think:  no call?  No text?  Not even a Facebook like or a simple retweet?  I’m with Clare on this.  How dare you, sir.  Fortunately, Juan can melt the tension with some smooth baby talk, and it’s like these two never left those snow covered dirt hills of SoCal.  I still like Clare, but let’s get it together, girlfriend.

Are Sean and Catherine really getting married?  Sean strikes me as a guy that would get married just to spite the haters.  That’s my theory.  This all seems strange and wrong.

So after all of this psychological trauma (including that Bachelor Wedding promo), we only lose two this round:  Lucy (who was, well, pretty boring and a little loopy) and someone named Christy (who took her lack of cumulative camera time especially hard).

Down to a much more manageable Lucky 13, here is the official Big Board™ from worst to first:

13. Kelly – Being a red head should buy her something, but it didn't.  I would trade her for virtually any of the previous cast-offs or even a second dog.

12. Elise – All we really know about her is that she sure whines a lot.  Maybe she should get a job interacting with adults and revisit this in five years.

11. Danielle – Allegedly a psychiatric nurse.  Could come in handy, but Renee seems to have this angle covered.

10. Lauren – I’m willing to bet you don’t know who this is.

9. Nikki – Preferred type of dancing:  “Is drunk dancing a type?”  Of course.

8. Cassandra – Meh.  (Nice tush.)

7. Renee – Very motherly and very, very plain.  Probably has her act most together of this crew, but then this is a reality show and not reality.

6. Clare – Rapidly crumbling under the pressure.  There’s still hope.  I think.  (Probably not.)

5. Alli – Hasn’t really done anything to earn this spot other than look good.

4. Kat – Big mover of the week.  Unsustainable, but let's see where this goes.

3. Sharleen – A terrible fit, but the most intriguing personality of the lot.  Should be awesome to hear her belt out an aria.

2. Chelsie – Anyone that can inspire an hour long tirade about how immature they are has the goods.

1. Andi – I don’t see much that would change my mind.  Again, I hope she “loses” at just the right spot so we can see more of her later.