Ferris is right. What are you doing here? I told you this season sucked. Do something productive with your lives. Don't feel like you need to do me any favors. I'm under contract.
Okay, if you insist... on to episode 7 of this mess. At least we have Emily, right?
Well, here we are in Taiwan which, as you know, is the "hidden jewel of Asia," because people forget that despite its willingness to undercut most nations in the area of cheap labor, it also happens to have some trees, fog, and Taipei 101, which held the "worlds tallest building" title for all of six years.
It's been a couple of weeks since we last watched this trainwreck, so Ashley kindly reminds us of all the great traits that the guys have: Constantine has some sweet curls, Ben is great at fermenting things, J.P. winks pretty well, Ames runs on batteries, Ryan is "safe," and Lucas is very Texan. Such a rich and complex bouquet of men to choose from, and where better to find love on this "amazing journey" than Taiwan, home of 17 (shared*) Little League World Series Championships.**
* with the Republic of China
** disputed due to alleged use of older players
This time around there's three one-on-one dates and one group date. Quite a change. Like you, I have no idea what's normal for this show. I haven't been paying attention. All I know is that the roses won't be given out on the one-on-one dates, so guys can feel free to informally eliminate themselves without the pressure of finding out then and there.
Is it time for Emily yet? I'm being told no.
This week we see the producers playing up the neurotic J.P. angle. I have no idea if he's any more worked up over this competition than any of the other guys, but that's how they're selling it. I have a feeling this is some lame attempt to make it seem as though he'll self-destruct before winning this, but it seems sort of forced so far. I'll page flag this for later.
Constantine is up to bat first, which frankly delights me to no end since it's clear that, not only do these two have no chemistry at all, but I'm not sure Constantine is even aware of what chemistry is. That's okay, there's no rose here, so no pressure... these two kids can just hop a slow train to some little town down the way to relax and be themselves.
It seems increasingly obvious that Constantine's family is batshit crazy because he seems to be priming Ashley to get ready for them should she visit them down the road. I'm not sure what his grandpa has in store, but it sounded kinda naughty and likely criminal. Like you, everything I know about Greek families I learned from various Nia Vardalos projects, and I'm sure that's a close enough approximation for what we're discussing in here. Given a better crop of candidates, Constantine doesn't even sniff a hometown visit, but I'm starting to think the guy has a legit shot at making it that far. The content of their date is the kind of stuff you take care of in hour one of your first meet up. It's like they're still getting to know each other, and we're almost to the semi-finals. I'm starting to see why she let Bentley yank her chain for so long.
Winemaker Ben gets next crack, and lest you think Constantine was going to win the Watching Paint Dry Award this week, we have ourselves a strong contender here. Early on I gave Ben some props for being cool under fire and having some memorable shtick, but as time has gone on, he's revealed himself to be about as exciting as a Russian novel. Worse for him is the complete lack of variation in the tone of his voice. He's got the same expression whether he excited, upset, or asleep. Still, I think there's some potential here, but these guys really need to start acting like they've seen a live girl naked before. Maybe that's the twist...
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| "I can get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog." |
Permit me to be serious for just a moment. I'll be brief, promise. Watching Ashley and Ben eat dinner, you see just how much Ashley is driving these interactions. She's working so hard to get meaningful dialogue and to get some sense of a connection with these guys, but it just seems so forced. It almost reminds me of a dentist asking you about your flossing habits, which would make some sense. I know that none of them have had a lot of time to spend with her individually, but when you have a connection with someone, it's usually fairly quick and it never looks like what we're seeing here with Ben at dinner. To me, this looks like a woman interviewing a guy to be her future nanny, not someone she wants to be the father of her children. It's like an endless stream of these moments, too. Ashley is trying to squeeze blood from a stone over and over, and these guys are just sitting there like it's a networking seminar. And might I add that the wine was close to mine, but not quite the same. "We'll talk about that in more detail on my hometown date." Yes, this is what passes for confidence this season.
Is Emily ready for her close up? We're not even halfway?
J.P. is showing some chinks in the armor by throwing a mini hissy-fit over Ben not getting home in time. He'll make a great over-protective dad some day. There's this odd parallel brewing between Ryan and J.P. that I'm not all that comfortable with, but I still like J.P.'s odds to keep it together reasonably well. I think we all know that Ryan is going to burst into flames at some point, and really I'm kind of counting on that to get me through this episode. You can't keep all of that flamboyance bottled up.
The group date is pretty dumb, and the guys don't really hide this fact. Lucas is in a dress, Ames looks like Harry Dunne in his finest powder blue, and J.P. actually gets to wear a formal tux. Of course J.P. and Ashley looked the most natural together, but he was still in some kind of mood, as were all of the guys. Well, except for Ames who I think is just thrilled to draw another breath each and every day. Nothing fazes that guy.
If it's any consolation to Lucas, he looks and acts exactly like someone who is recently divorced and hasn't done anything to move on with their life. His discussion with Ashley about how much he wants her to meet his family is stiff and uncomfortable. She's, of course, positive that a little dentist from Maine would fit right in with the oil man's family in Texas. Oh, I'm sure. "You put what on your fries?" Maine might as well be Canada, which might as well be France.
Ames might be the single nicest human that's ever been on that show, and that's no exaggeration. Yes, he's an unapologetic dork, but how can you hate on a guy who never said a bad word about anyone and who shows you a pic of himself in sixth grade which looks exactly like a mini version of himself present day? Yes, Ames, we know you weren't popular in school. Hell, you're not popular now. You brought hot pink pants on this trip. In fact, it's a minor miracle the catty casting staff gave you the green light for this show. Nonetheless, you're a nice dude who has no realistic shot of winning this. Anything you see positive from Ashley is probably out of pity. She actually reeks of it when she's around him. Again, any other season and Ames is sent packing maybe night one, but this year? He's like friggin' Duke in the NCAA Tournament. Well, maybe Villanova, but when they were decent. Bottom line is that this shouldn't be happening. No offense, Ames.
Now that J.P. is engaged to got a rose from Ashley, it's time for the second most anticipated moment of the show: the impending demise of Mr. Sunshine. Love the lack of running form, and love love love the pink shirt. This is going to go great. Only Ryan could find a walk through a sacred temple where people are praying to be "romantic." It's only once they sit down to chat that we really see the extent of this guy's weirdness. They even cued up the goofy music just so we don't somehow miss the awkwardness oozing from the screen. I haven't heard that many uncomfortable chuckles since Kasey's impromptu song to Ali about helicopters.
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| This is the look mothers give babies with stinky diapers. |
The only thing I regret about this 30 car highway pileup that is in progress is that it can't possibly last longer. Sadly, most of the leads know how to cut their losses and let the driftwood sail down the river, but if they only understood how satisfying it is to see clueless people marinade in their own juices.
Fortunately, there's still a picnic. Fortunately for us, at least. Ryan won't be faring as well. Apparently this is environmental chat time, because when the chips are down, nothing brings a girl around like a good discussion of green energy and tankless water heaters. Sorry, Ryan, but the image of your dogs lapping Ashley at the door aren't going to save you this time. When she gave you that first impression rose, it was for her first impression only. Impressions two through 34,291 have been much less inspiring. But take solace that you're her "perfect guy" if you were just more interesting, more attractive, less self-absorbed, and 15 other indispensable traits that you lack.
This whole thing is setting itself up for a serious Lloyd Dobbler moment, minus the kickboxing and Peter Gabriel mix tape.
With Ashley's future husband safe with a rose, this is shaping up to be the most compelling and important rose ceremony yet. Which also-ran will get the boot tonight? No cocktail party required for this one. Just send him up to the blocks, Chris. I like decisive Ashley. It's almost attractive.
We all knew Lucas would be getting the hook, and sure enough he does, about five episodes too late. But at least he took things in stride. And we haven't seen a good walking-out in a while. Ryan just kind of got summarily dumped in an unmarked grave, but Lucas gets a full military burial. I guess that's worth something. At least we learned his name long enough to remember it for a few episodes.. only to be lost to the aether. I don't know about you, but I'll never forget that serial killer-grade blank stare.
Great, that's done. Bring on Emily!
Well, if there's anyone that can level with us about the realities of this reality show, it's Chris Harrison. Did you know that some couples haven't stayed together? Yeah, it turns out that some couples actually decide that a few weeks of sporadic dating isn't sufficient foundation for a marriage. Even more depressing is that some couples don't end up having children. It seems to almost defy logic that this could be true, but the stats just don't lie. Unfortunately, Emily Maynard and Brad "The Bear" Womack couldn't make it, largely due to the overwhelming pressure of tabloids, paparazzi, and general media scrutiny. Or so we are told. Actually, I still think the few weeks of dating thing comes into play somehow, but you never know. Brad's also a narcissistic douche, but that might only be reason 1A.
As many know by now, I'm a big fan of Emily, but this appearance was kind of a big sloppy mess and Em at her absolute worst. The first thing I noticed was that she looks frail. Maybe 90 pounds with the hair, shoes, and that monster necklace? It's kind of sad to see her like this, and really it took all of the fun out of it. I'd have much rather preserved my memories of Emily inviting Brad over to her place for some hot muffin baking only to have him skulk away in shame over the thought of li'l Ricki upstairs. That was some magical TV that night. Rather we get shaky, weepy Emily who assures us that she'll always love Brad and be there for him even though he'll probably be spending most nights closing the bar down as a single man in Austin. Ick. Let's just wipe this episode and move on already. I can't really conjure up the sympathy. I read Brad's twitter feed for the four whole days it was active and knew more about this idiot than Emily ever did. You know what's sad? Emily winning The Bachelor was actually her rebound relationship. Yikes.
Well, I'm depressed now. I'd much rather have watched a bikini fitting with Chantal in St. Tropez. I'd have even settled for a mortuary infomercial with Shawntel.
Tune in next week when Constantine's grandfather throws dollar bills at Ashley, and Ames explains why he's dating the help. It should be a good one.
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