Another exciting journey for love begins. This time it's Desiree Hartsock, third runner-up in our previous Bachelor contest, and easily the poorest Bachelorette we've ever featured on the show. How poor? Poor enough for us to dub in engine knocking noises as her 10 year old Honda Civic pulled up to the mansion in Malibu. That's pretty poor in my book. Don't worry, we hooked her up with a baby blue Bentley. It washed the destitution right out of her.
There will be drama, conflict, and no doubt heartbreak, but I know I speak for naïve women everywhere when I say that a not insignificant number of us are rooting for Desiree to fall deeply in love with the idea of being in love. Most of my production staff has other motives entirely, but don't let that dissuade you true believers from embarrassing yourselves publicly on various social media outlets. I'll be right there with you. Use lots of hashtags and maybe post some recipes on Pinterest while you're out there hacking on the web with us.
Lest we get too creative, let's go to the video montage.
Bryden is our military guy subtly chosen for our Memorial Day airing. His turn ons include walking the streets of Missoula with high powered weapons, wearing his fatigues for the show, and stubbornly avoiding relationships. He also likes women named "Desiree," "Starla," and "Monique."
Will is a banker who loves life. And Chicago. And life in Chicago. And yelling "WELCOME TO CHICAGO!" Seriously, he was really welcoming to us in Chicago. Will studies Bikram Yoga which, if you didn't know, is a form of yoga typically performed in a hot room with crazy high humidity. This probably explained the high five-fest afterwards. We wanted to edit that out, but Will insisted on high fiving everyone on the street, including our crew. He actually had to chase the guy (Tom) operating the boom mic to give him a high five. It was like, "why is Will so intent on giving everyone high fives?" Then we remembered the Bikram Yoga and Will's severe dehydration. We also noticed that his shower "didn't take" and had to fix some serious pit stains on this guy in post-production. But man, the high fives just kept coming. Will noted that not a lot of black guys do Bikram, but then, not a lot of black guys make it onto the show, so it seemed like appropriate symmetry.
Drew is a digital marketing guy from Scottsdale, AZ, which long time fans of the show will note almost exactly follows Ben Flajnik's résumé, so you know he's going places. Well, except that, unlike Ben's history of complete entitlement, Drew's life story is pretty much a total trainwreck, so this probably kills any shot he has at the winner's circle. Sorry, Drew.
Nick Roy is truly the first tailor/magician double threat we've had on the show, and believe me, we've looked. It turns out only two groups of people enjoy magic more than women: children and the elderly. Needless to say, I like Nick's odds.
Zak is a drilling fluid engineer who lives in "the middle of nowhere" which is also known as "10 minutes outside of San Antonio." When he's not squatting on 15 acres of deserted property, Zak spends most of his time as a stunt double for Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. Since the demise of The Jersey Shore, Zak has had much more time on his hands, mostly devoted to working out. Just how far will these abs go? If history is any guide, pretty far.
Robert is an entrepreneur who invented signs. Or, rather, spinning signs. Or maybe the process where guys spin signs on the side of the road in an advertising context. Which is now a global thing, as I understand it. It was good enough for some unsolicited high fives in the office when we showed up. Wasn't quite as good as what Will showed us, but it was pretty good. Honestly, Will kind of ruined the high five thing for everyone.
Mike R. is a dental student and a self proclaimed "Renaissance Man." Usually Renaissance Men don't get cut on night one, but Mike did.
Brandon is our house adrenaline junkie who loves to wakeboard over unsuspecting waterfowl. We asked him to show us what else he likes to do for fun, and all we ended up doing was driving to a different lake to film him wakeboarding over what we think was a different group of pelicans. Pretty much took up the whole day. To his credit, he did treat us to In-N-Out Burger, which was nice.
This season, we really hosed down the driveway for maximum sheen, and I think it paid dividends. Truly, this was the most amazing journey from the limo to the front door that we've ever seen, and I think most of our viewers would agree with that. Many of you may not be aware that I get a close up view of things while hiding in the bushes. Not in a creepy way, so maybe "hiding" isn't quite the right word. "Distant admirer" is probably more apropos. This is the first time I've weighed in with my thoughts on these initial meetings, so drink in the insight.
Our boy Drew was first out of the gate, and I'll be honest, he looked a little needy actually running into Desiree's arms, but he must've made an impression with his giddy schoolboy charm. Reminds me a little of my good buddy J.P. Rosenbaum, but with hair.
Brooks didn't fare nearly as well. We even added in the standard "bumbling idiot" music for his entrance into the house. Gets a lot of use.
Brad brought a wishbone, and Des won. We wish Brad well on his uphill climb.
Bryden didn't seem so awkward during his hometown video. The fresh bowl cut couldn't have helped his confidence. He showed up on set like this, and our hair guy just about quit over it. "You want some pomade or mousse to spruce that up a bit?" he was asked. "I'm good" was the reply.
We love shtick here at The Bachelorette, and God's honest truth, we don't tell people what to do. So when Michael G. wanted to retrieve Desiree's original penny from her last stint on the show, we were all for it. "What a great idea," I secretly thought. Well, Michael fished for that penny for about five solid minutes even though we edited it down to nothing more than 10 seconds. We actually sent his pants out for ironing! Did we add the penny "ploop" sound? I admit that we did.
Kasey is the social media guy who stalks people on Twitter. Trust me on this. #creepy #reported #nomeansno
Will gave Desiree the rare high five hug, but stumbled a bit with his Greek goddess bit. Better to just keep it simple, I say. #fingerguns #fistbump
We like Mikey a lot, but he kind of lost us with the "I can empathize with your psycho brother" bit. Even Des thinks her brother is psycho. Will we exploit this later? No, because everything on this show is organic and flows naturally -- like pouring chum into a shark tank.
You might be wondering where this "Fantasy Suite" is that Jonathan kept talking about and where he got this key. Turns out it opens a mechanical room in the sub-basement level of the house. Most of us thought it was a joke. We actually found Vienna Girardi living down there.
I actually tried to talk Zak out of going shirtless. I know I'll get a lot of grief over this, but we don't want this to be the abs show. The FCC actually told us to "cool it" with all of the ab footage last season.
A lot of you might have noticed how badly James botched his lines, but what you don't know is that was his third take. He actually had to become a SAG member just to complete shooting.
Oh man, Larry. He pulled some kind of tango move that caused Des to rip her dress. Probably not the best idea to throw a woman toward the ground without a little warning. I saw him practicing this earlier in the day with the prop master and it looked terrific, but she was wearing J. Crew chinos.
We don't usually allow people to start fires on the show, but Nick R. really won us over with his magic. A few of our staff are still missing watches, however. Might be unrelated.
Funny story about Zack K.'s Chuck Taylors. He actually lost his luggage on the way to California and had to rent that tux at a strip mall the same day. They didn't have shoes in his size (14), so we crashed a Goodwill to find something that might work. He looked a bit like an oversized prom date, but I think it went over well.
Some of the "haters" out there won't believe that we didn't set up Diogo with that suit of armor, but we didn't. He had it shipped via FedEx that day. I even signed for it. So maybe he wasn't the most eloquent guy we've had on the show, but the armor looked great.
Okay, so I'll admit that Chris vetted his shoe-tying joke with the staff beforehand, but we couldn't stop laughing, so obviously it was a green light all the way. Des even gave it a "funny." Are all mortgage brokers this hilarious?
Mike R. probably misjudged his likeness to Patrick Dempsey. Set the bar a little too high there. Personally, I would have summoned that British accent. It's at least 30% more alluring to women.
Some might find what Robert did with his tie a little odd, but he did that in every interview he had with our staff. Always said he wasn't a "tie man," pulled it off, and tossed it somewhere. Nice ties, too.
We suspect that Des was botching Juan Pablo's name on purpose, but can't quite figure out why.
Adrenaline junkie Brandon rolled in on a motorcycle all the way from Minneapolis, even though he lives in nearby Costa Mesa. It puzzled us too. That's pretty hardcore.
Brian went with the fuzzy coat, and the guys were sticking stuff to it like velcro all night. We actually assigned an intern to just pull stuff off of it. I don't think Brian had any idea.
Yes, Micah really did design that suit himself, but he only sewed some of it. Most of it was sewed by his mom in Detroit Lakes. She can't really sew either.
The poem by Nick M. seemed corny, but it moved a couple of us to tears (not saying who). I think it was the part about ocean waves.
Dan probably had the first meeting about right: just hug, say something innocuous, hug again, then get the hell out of there.
We loved saving the best for last with little Brody and his dad Ben. How cute was that? Brody should have stuck around to get a rose. Remember: there are no rules.
Ben wasted no time after that first impression and actually won the first rose of the night with his easy going personality. It was so easy going that he was actually able to gloss over the fact that he and his best friend had a baby together. I hope that Nick R. was paying attention because that was some real magic.
Bryden pulled out his own kid story from his time in Iraq and won a rose himself. I'm seeing a trend here. Although a couple of others did well for other reasons: Juan Pablo (ball handling), Zak (abs/pool antics), and Drew (non-threatening).
There weren't any drunken antics this time, but that didn't stop guys from losing their minds. Larry, off his game since the dancing mishap, went for his patented Svengali hypnotic stare in a desperate attempt to pull out of a deadly flat spin. He seemed a bit unstable, and honestly if this guy is your ER doctor, you'd better hope his medical training is far superior to his way with women.
Second thought: Jonathan was pretty shit-faced when he went in for his second Fantasy Suite pitch. The one-legged push-ups and blood shot eyes suggested that he might need to be watched a bit more closely by security. Let me stress that Des was never in trouble. Guys in the control room were all over this situation, and trust me, the other men in the house could sense it too. Ultimately, we had to send Jonathan and his swollen love tank home, but we wish him well after being destroyed on national television.
I know I get a lot of heat about my classic "this is the final rose tonight" spiel, but I think it's an important feature of the show. I can tell you that not all of the guys are paying close attention, and they need to know that they should react shocked and dismayed after they get snubbed. We also think it's important to have some continuity to the show, and after all of these years, who can argue with the results?
Joining Jonathan on the short, lonely, white van home are Dr. Larry (despite his 48/51 dipping record), Magic Nick, Sir Diogo, Dentite Mike, and "that guy" Micah. Not exactly the '27 Yankees here.
Thanks for reading, folks, and be sure to tune in next week!
-CH
Zak is a drilling fluid engineer who lives in "the middle of nowhere" which is also known as "10 minutes outside of San Antonio." When he's not squatting on 15 acres of deserted property, Zak spends most of his time as a stunt double for Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. Since the demise of The Jersey Shore, Zak has had much more time on his hands, mostly devoted to working out. Just how far will these abs go? If history is any guide, pretty far.
Robert is an entrepreneur who invented signs. Or, rather, spinning signs. Or maybe the process where guys spin signs on the side of the road in an advertising context. Which is now a global thing, as I understand it. It was good enough for some unsolicited high fives in the office when we showed up. Wasn't quite as good as what Will showed us, but it was pretty good. Honestly, Will kind of ruined the high five thing for everyone.
Mike R. is a dental student and a self proclaimed "Renaissance Man." Usually Renaissance Men don't get cut on night one, but Mike did.
Brandon is our house adrenaline junkie who loves to wakeboard over unsuspecting waterfowl. We asked him to show us what else he likes to do for fun, and all we ended up doing was driving to a different lake to film him wakeboarding over what we think was a different group of pelicans. Pretty much took up the whole day. To his credit, he did treat us to In-N-Out Burger, which was nice.
This season, we really hosed down the driveway for maximum sheen, and I think it paid dividends. Truly, this was the most amazing journey from the limo to the front door that we've ever seen, and I think most of our viewers would agree with that. Many of you may not be aware that I get a close up view of things while hiding in the bushes. Not in a creepy way, so maybe "hiding" isn't quite the right word. "Distant admirer" is probably more apropos. This is the first time I've weighed in with my thoughts on these initial meetings, so drink in the insight.
Our boy Drew was first out of the gate, and I'll be honest, he looked a little needy actually running into Desiree's arms, but he must've made an impression with his giddy schoolboy charm. Reminds me a little of my good buddy J.P. Rosenbaum, but with hair.
Brooks didn't fare nearly as well. We even added in the standard "bumbling idiot" music for his entrance into the house. Gets a lot of use.
Brad brought a wishbone, and Des won. We wish Brad well on his uphill climb.
Bryden didn't seem so awkward during his hometown video. The fresh bowl cut couldn't have helped his confidence. He showed up on set like this, and our hair guy just about quit over it. "You want some pomade or mousse to spruce that up a bit?" he was asked. "I'm good" was the reply.
We love shtick here at The Bachelorette, and God's honest truth, we don't tell people what to do. So when Michael G. wanted to retrieve Desiree's original penny from her last stint on the show, we were all for it. "What a great idea," I secretly thought. Well, Michael fished for that penny for about five solid minutes even though we edited it down to nothing more than 10 seconds. We actually sent his pants out for ironing! Did we add the penny "ploop" sound? I admit that we did.
Kasey is the social media guy who stalks people on Twitter. Trust me on this. #creepy #reported #nomeansno
Will gave Desiree the rare high five hug, but stumbled a bit with his Greek goddess bit. Better to just keep it simple, I say. #fingerguns #fistbump
We like Mikey a lot, but he kind of lost us with the "I can empathize with your psycho brother" bit. Even Des thinks her brother is psycho. Will we exploit this later? No, because everything on this show is organic and flows naturally -- like pouring chum into a shark tank.
You might be wondering where this "Fantasy Suite" is that Jonathan kept talking about and where he got this key. Turns out it opens a mechanical room in the sub-basement level of the house. Most of us thought it was a joke. We actually found Vienna Girardi living down there.
I actually tried to talk Zak out of going shirtless. I know I'll get a lot of grief over this, but we don't want this to be the abs show. The FCC actually told us to "cool it" with all of the ab footage last season.
A lot of you might have noticed how badly James botched his lines, but what you don't know is that was his third take. He actually had to become a SAG member just to complete shooting.
Oh man, Larry. He pulled some kind of tango move that caused Des to rip her dress. Probably not the best idea to throw a woman toward the ground without a little warning. I saw him practicing this earlier in the day with the prop master and it looked terrific, but she was wearing J. Crew chinos.
We don't usually allow people to start fires on the show, but Nick R. really won us over with his magic. A few of our staff are still missing watches, however. Might be unrelated.
Funny story about Zack K.'s Chuck Taylors. He actually lost his luggage on the way to California and had to rent that tux at a strip mall the same day. They didn't have shoes in his size (14), so we crashed a Goodwill to find something that might work. He looked a bit like an oversized prom date, but I think it went over well.
Some of the "haters" out there won't believe that we didn't set up Diogo with that suit of armor, but we didn't. He had it shipped via FedEx that day. I even signed for it. So maybe he wasn't the most eloquent guy we've had on the show, but the armor looked great.
Okay, so I'll admit that Chris vetted his shoe-tying joke with the staff beforehand, but we couldn't stop laughing, so obviously it was a green light all the way. Des even gave it a "funny." Are all mortgage brokers this hilarious?
Mike R. probably misjudged his likeness to Patrick Dempsey. Set the bar a little too high there. Personally, I would have summoned that British accent. It's at least 30% more alluring to women.
Some might find what Robert did with his tie a little odd, but he did that in every interview he had with our staff. Always said he wasn't a "tie man," pulled it off, and tossed it somewhere. Nice ties, too.
We suspect that Des was botching Juan Pablo's name on purpose, but can't quite figure out why.
Adrenaline junkie Brandon rolled in on a motorcycle all the way from Minneapolis, even though he lives in nearby Costa Mesa. It puzzled us too. That's pretty hardcore.
Brian went with the fuzzy coat, and the guys were sticking stuff to it like velcro all night. We actually assigned an intern to just pull stuff off of it. I don't think Brian had any idea.
Yes, Micah really did design that suit himself, but he only sewed some of it. Most of it was sewed by his mom in Detroit Lakes. She can't really sew either.
The poem by Nick M. seemed corny, but it moved a couple of us to tears (not saying who). I think it was the part about ocean waves.
Dan probably had the first meeting about right: just hug, say something innocuous, hug again, then get the hell out of there.
We loved saving the best for last with little Brody and his dad Ben. How cute was that? Brody should have stuck around to get a rose. Remember: there are no rules.
Ben wasted no time after that first impression and actually won the first rose of the night with his easy going personality. It was so easy going that he was actually able to gloss over the fact that he and his best friend had a baby together. I hope that Nick R. was paying attention because that was some real magic.
Bryden pulled out his own kid story from his time in Iraq and won a rose himself. I'm seeing a trend here. Although a couple of others did well for other reasons: Juan Pablo (ball handling), Zak (abs/pool antics), and Drew (non-threatening).
There weren't any drunken antics this time, but that didn't stop guys from losing their minds. Larry, off his game since the dancing mishap, went for his patented Svengali hypnotic stare in a desperate attempt to pull out of a deadly flat spin. He seemed a bit unstable, and honestly if this guy is your ER doctor, you'd better hope his medical training is far superior to his way with women.
Second thought: Jonathan was pretty shit-faced when he went in for his second Fantasy Suite pitch. The one-legged push-ups and blood shot eyes suggested that he might need to be watched a bit more closely by security. Let me stress that Des was never in trouble. Guys in the control room were all over this situation, and trust me, the other men in the house could sense it too. Ultimately, we had to send Jonathan and his swollen love tank home, but we wish him well after being destroyed on national television.
I know I get a lot of heat about my classic "this is the final rose tonight" spiel, but I think it's an important feature of the show. I can tell you that not all of the guys are paying close attention, and they need to know that they should react shocked and dismayed after they get snubbed. We also think it's important to have some continuity to the show, and after all of these years, who can argue with the results?
Joining Jonathan on the short, lonely, white van home are Dr. Larry (despite his 48/51 dipping record), Magic Nick, Sir Diogo, Dentite Mike, and "that guy" Micah. Not exactly the '27 Yankees here.
Thanks for reading, folks, and be sure to tune in next week!
-CH
