Episode 2: The Clone Wars

Welcome back, intrepid viewer.  Before we proceed, I'm going to level with you straightaway.  I, for one, like to read the tea leaves and get some sense of where this magical journey is headed and make some predictions for the season ahead.  

Friends, I sense trouble.

Sadly, it's not the kind of "trouble" that leads to an entertainment bonanza.  Rather, I see a show that is hitting mile 20 of its metaphorical marathon, and things are looking a bit bleak.  The formulaic script, the typecasting, the clichés, the same set, the same car... I'm really at a loss here.  Now I know that ABC/Next Entertainment is clinging to this show's proven model terrified of losing viewership, but for the love of god, can't we get someone with some imagination to mix this sucker up?  Does it have to be set in L.A.?  Do they have to go to Vegas, baby?  Does the driveway have to be pre-wetted for maximum sheen?  See, I say no.  But then again, I'm not top brass in the TV industry.  I'm just some schlep sitting at home knowing that "safe" probably results in better ratings, but maybe not forever.  You see, even the most mouthbreathing viewer, at some point, will be fatigued with this.  You can listen to only so many Backstreet Boys songs.  You can only watch Everybody Loves Raymond so many times.  There are only so many bologna sandwiches you can choke down in a week.  At some point, the public will turn on you, and it will be neither special nor magical.  Then again, I could be underestimating the collective appetite for tripe.  I guess we'll just dig in while the tripe is still hot.

When the revolution happens, it probably won't be televised on ABC, but I think first against the wall would have to be our favorite Division III soccer star Chris Harrison.  Remember, this is Disney we're talking about.  Are we sure he's not an Audio-Animatronic™ bot?  Now, the last time I was at Disney World, circa August 2009, they unveiled the Obama-bot at The Hall of Presidents.  I hadn't seen this classic exhibit in about a decade, and well, I missed it this latest time too.  I think the mini-moral here is that no one really wants to see exactly the same thing over and over again.  Taking it an extreme, getting stuck on It's a Small World could lead to actual violence.  And that's what Harrison has essentially patented.  The only guy that had a better gig was Mr. "Can You Here Me Now?" and even he retired after nine arduous years of testing every square foot of Verizon's cellular network.  Good.

I'm not asking for much.  Actually, part of what makes this show so epic is the ability to rip it to shreds, but sometimes you thirst for a challenge, and I feel like there's a nice little rut taking shape where we all just harp on the same things like the lack of diversity, trips to the same destinations, or even the fact that the florist hasn't varied in eons.  So let's just off-gas this pent up frustration now and move forward.  And should we need to go back to the well, it's always there.  Like herpes.

In the last entry, I slotted the candidates into three tiers. Having seen episode two, I still feel pretty good about those semi-projections.  Matt ("Ma?  I didn't get a rose!  Make me some dinner."), Stephen (farewell, Sasha Vujačić), and Ryan M. ("...and you can take a pic of me with Chris Harrison") were all sent packing.   You'll note that all three were also in my dreaded "Bottom Feeders" tier.  Not that this is any significant feat, but it's good calibration material.  It means the instrumentation is working.  I won't even going into detail about why these dudes were canned; it should be self-evident.

Sasha (top) and Stephen (bottom):  Kinda eerie.

For me, the premiere episode is always kind of a dud as there's just too much jockeying for position and whining to really follow coherent plot arcs.  The second show is where the Jell-O starts to congeal.  The first subject of our treatise is William, or more familiarly "Will."  I made something of a bold-ish prediction that Will would be this season's Weatherman.  You remember Weatherman, right?  Hapless man-child who became the subject of merciless ridicule courtesy never-a-bad-hair-day Craig McKinnon?  After seeing Will's date with Ashley, I'm even more convinced of this comparison.

Briefly, we shift the focus to Ashley here.  She seems to vacillate between the assertive type (e.g., Bentley) and the safer, nice guy (e.g., J.P.). I have a theory that she'll do a bit of oat-sowing with the former and swing toward the latter as time goes on, but that remains to be seen.

Back to Will.  This date featured Ashley and Will going through the motions as an engaged couple:  picking out rings, cake tasting/smashing, and practicing vows.  Throughout all of it, something just seemed off about Will.  This wasn't so much Wills & Kate as much as it was Will & Grace.  He couldn't have been more uncomfortable doing so little as holding Ashley's hand.  And it wasn't in a "babe, I can't be tied down" type of way either.  It was interesting to see the first acknowledgement of contestant celebrity documented by the show as it was being taped.  People were snapping up pictures like they were important.  And boy, Will couldn't have looked less equipped for the role.  He just shrank at every turn.  Girls are scary.

By the time they got to dinner in the famed Bellagio fountain, I wasn't buying this charade, which made it all the more interesting that Ashley was seemingly gushing over how amazing it apparently was for her.  Will threw out the "best date ever" trial balloon, which she gladly validated.  This girl sure finds herself in a lot of "best dates ever."  Last season with Brad, she rode that particular "best date ever" all the way to the final four.  I don't see the same fate for Will.

Smithers: "Would you feel more comfortable if I left, too, sir?"

Burns: "Of course not, Smithers. You're. You're like a doctor."

I think that neatly sums it up.

"I call it the 'Spruce Moose,' and it will carry two hundred passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen minutes!"

Will got a rose, but I think this one has some conditions attached to it.  If you look carefully at it, I think it says: "Thanks for being the first guy on a one-on-one date.  Here's a rose for your troubles."  I think we are seeing a trend of Ashley being too nice.  This crap would never have happened with Ali.  She left a guy to guard and protect a glacier once.

Turns out, everybody gets to go to Vegas.  Twelve dudes on a date with one woman, in Vegas, and countless cameras filming it.  That just doesn't sound right, does it.  Ashley confidently asserts "I have a very active date planned."  No, sweetie, you don't have anything planned.  This bugged me with Brad too insisting that he was racking his brain trying to devise all of these elaborate events to entertain everyone and financing the whole thing.

Performing with the JabbaWockeeZ was probably a really cool thing to do in person, as a surprising number of them said, but it just didn't translate into compelling TV.  Of course, I'm definitely not the target demographic here, but I found it very difficult to maintain even a surface level of interest.  Again, we're confronted with this idea that Ashley lives to dance and dances to live.  I must've completely missed this on The Bachelor last season  All I really remember is gravy on fries and loads of self-doubt.  Maybe even a little gravy on that self-doubt.

This "date" was basically a retread of The Lion King date with Ali and the group of guys from Season 6 where Roberto made his move and basically wrapped up the show right there.  It's interesting that these stage productions are so willing to put total amateurs in their shows as if people want to pay $100 to see mediocrity.  Then again, it could have been a closed audience.  Every now and then I slip into believing things on face value.  Sorry, won't happen again.

The other one-on-one time, and thus fodder for our amusement, was Ashley's date with Mickey.  I've dismissed this dude previously as a sometimes bug-eyed also-ran, but he was stunningly normal for his big close-up.  I guess he was Cosmo's vaunted Bachelor of the Year, so that has to count for something I suppose.  I figured that was a title you could buy, like being in Who's Who.  Maybe there's something here. He seems to be displaying a little nice guy-ness with a hit of aggression to keep Ashley off balance.  Sounds a little like "muscle confusion" in P90X.  I'm giving The Mick a slight rating bump here to "long-term accumulate."

Mickey (and most of America) is like "who is that singing?"  Oh.. Colbie Caillat, right.  

Wait.. who?

Ken Callait:  Co-producer of Fleetwood Mac's Rumours (1977) and daughter Colbie (1985)

At this point you're probably wondering what I think of Bentley, and I guess this is where we unwind the knot.  Honestly though, I don't think there's a whole lot of mystery here, and the drama appears to be overblown as much as it is brief.

I view Bentley somewhat similarly to Michelle Money from The Bachelor.  Michelle was there to push buttons and shtick it up (read: audition) for the camera, and maybe if she happened to win that would be pretty cool too.  Bentley was selected with something similar in mind.  In fact, his back story is nearly identical to Michelle's:  single parent from Salt Lake City whose daughter is "their world."  A key difference is that Michelle was something of an established actress whereas Bentley seems to run a "family fun center."  His house is pretty nice to be running some shaky startup operation, so you have to think there might be more to that story, especially in the wake of an apparent divorce.

This whole idea that Bentley is wreaking havoc on the set seems a lot overblown to me.  They're pushing it too hard in the promos, and Bentley himself laying it on pretty thick.  He keeps assuring everyone that he doesn't care and is so above this whole process.  If he's on there just to pull the rug out from under Ashley, I think he's more than capable of it, but it's certainly with producer aid and approval.  I find it difficult to get worked up over a scripted plot point.  I also have trouble with a guy wearing that much plaid.  Women:  if you're going to get duped by some jackass, don't let it be by a guy in plaid.  At least give yourself that small dignity.

One thing we learn from Bentley is that Ashley is more gullible than we've seen in a while on this show.  She proudly announces the acuity of her "radar," but this is like the radar guy turning off the thing and heading home.  Please breach our sovereign borders. Come on in... we don't mind.  I haven't decided if Ashley knows this subconsciously and doesn't care, or if she's really this naïve, but either way it's not boding well for "the process."  I honestly believe that she believes that her future husband is in that room, but god help anyone that allows ABC to choose their future spousal pool for them.  "The process" includes a lot of things not conducive to long-term happiness.  Just ask... well, anyone who's been on the show.

It seemed like there was a segment in there were Bentley said he'd be cool with Ashley "servicing" him.  The man might have standards, but he's not made of stone, people.  You know, if it were to happen, he wouldn't stop her or anything.  I have to say that he's running some serious game on Ashley, and it's like she's never met a guy like him in college.. which I find really hard to believe.  Did she just meet a series of guys like Will over and over?  It's not like Bentley is out there running the Tex Winter triangle offense on her.  It's your basic one-on-one schoolyard pickup game.  He can smell weakness, and she's catering to it.  A little embarrassing, Ash.

"When they zig, you zag.  You getting this, Pau?"

Based on previews for next week, it looks like Bentley is the source of her hurt (which I doubted initially), but I don't understand it. She was even warned about it, and really, how attached could she possibly be to this cat?  I think Michelle played this angle this better, but she was a professional and didn't pull the ripcord early.  I'm hoping there's something more interesting at the heart of all of this, but I don't see it.  It'll probably be resolved by the next episode and we'll all say, "fair game, ol' chap," book him on Bachelor Pad 2, and move on to lesser mysteries.

The interesting quotient took a nosedive pretty quickly with the other dudes in the house.  I think some of them may even like Ashley.  I've been trying to figure out if all of the whooping and hollering about how hot she is all the time is legit or just being egged on by the production staff.  A few of them are reacting like they are vying for the affections of Miranda Kerr.  I'd like to think I could keep it together better than they are even if it was Ms. Kerr.

Miranda Kerr:  For no real reason, here is a picture of her.

Some of the individual discussions were uncomfortable to watch.  I think we can safely say that West is not ready for this.  He's this season's Emily with the tragic story, but this is a whole lot different.  In the end, Emily was more like a heaping bowl Lucky Charms.  West is All Bran.  What's worse, Bentley got a rose even after West opened up about his wife drowning in the bathtub.  Ouch.

Mask guy is still masked, and people continue to not care.  They blew this badly.  If only he had two more seconds, he could have revealed the boring guy behind it.  Wow, what are the odds on getting interrupted at that exact moment?  God works in mysterious ways.  Still, I love that Phantom of the Opera shtick.  I gotta be honest.

I said in my previous post that J.P. was my tentative favorite to win it all, and I'm standing by that, even having spent no time with Ashley this go around.  I'm sure you all realize that this anguish is a set up, right?  Keep shaving that head all the way to the finals, guy.

It was great to see Will feeling insecure and going in for more time with Ashley, you know, just to cement it. Uncomfortable rating of 8/10 there.  If you're ahead, sport, don't ruin it.  We've all seen Swingers.  Just leave the message and be done with it.  This provided one of the better opportunities of the evening with Nick coming out of absolutely nowhere to unleash the "Ding Dong" moniker. He totally redeemed himself with that one.  See, Will is totally the new Weatherman.  Easiest call ever.  Good luck with your sexy American girlfriend, Ding Dong.

"Lake.  Big lake."

It sure was weird hearing Ben talk about what a great dancer he is given that they are doing some kind of flash mob thing in the next episode.  My guess is that he's proved to be a huge fraud.  Actually, I don't know that.  I'm just hoping for it. 

Dismissal of Stephen went as follows:

Ashley:  "See ya."
Stephen:  "Peace."

Hairdressers are so bitchy.

Can you believe that we're already down to 15?  Neither can I.  And I think I'm running out of Star Wars titles to cleverly pilfer.  We've invited these fine gentlemen into our homes, and yet we've had to bid a bittersweet adieu to no fewer than ten of them already.  I wonder if Tim is sober yet?  So many questions.

As the field self-selects down to guys that can tie their shoes and chew gum simultaneously, I'll get more serious about rankings, and of course individual commentary.  I'll also share some tidbits of insight from readers.  If you'd like to send me a message, you can do so either in the comments section of this blog or via email at realepicjourney@gmail.com.

Assessing the Field

As I said in the previous post, there will be no serious prognostication yet, but I present to you the first tiered list of candidates, with commentary:

Bottom Feeders

• Jeff - The mask thing is already tiresome, and would still be completely dumb on someone with a thousand-fold his charisma.  So far, Jeff is a pretty big bore.  Time is running out on the Phantom.  Cue the organ.
• Chris D. - I think he was the "rapper."  Yeah, I know.
• Lucas - Who?  This is the new "stealth guy" that no one sees or remembers.  Maybe he'll just leave without telling anyone.
• Stephen - Cuts hair for some high end salon in California.  He couldn't resist telling Ashley that he liked her new hair color.  I'd keep those bags packed.
• Ryan M. - I wonder if he ever got that picture with Chris Harrison.  He reminds me of another Ryan:  Seacrest.  You see where I'm going with this?
• Matt - He's the brother of this guy who also happens to be 320 lbs. and a Dallas Cowboy offensive tackle.  I guess there was only food enough for one of the Colombo boys growing up.

Water Treaders

• Blake - Yes, he is a dentist, but here's where my experience comes in handy.  Dentists hate dating other dentists.  Why?  Because they don't want to talk shop constantly, and most of them exhausted that angle in dental school.  Maybe Blake is an interesting dude, but his days are probably numbered.
• Nick - A personal trainer and former baseball prospect.  Also, like Roberto before him, he went to the University of Tampa.  Interesting parallels there, but the personality seems a little too "dude."  Reminds me slightly of Matthew McConaughey (whom I hate), probably because of his attitude and minor resemblance.  I'd issue a sell rating here.
• Will - I'm really curious to see if my Weatherman comparison will pan out with this guy.  Apparently he wants to be a stand up comedian, which I'm sure will result in plenty of awkward moments where he tests out his material.  He has a few grade C impressions in his arsenal, which I guess is good for a few giggles.  Probably amusing enough to keep around for a couple of episodes, but not much more.
• Mickey - Apparently this guy was Cosmopolitan Magazine's Bachelor of the Year for 2010.  It seems Cosmo's editors failed to observe their guy out in the wild.

Party Boaters

• Ryan P. - Getting the first impression rose is usually a good sign, but again, there's just too much fabulosity going on there.  Ashley seemed to like his energy.  We'll put him here for now.
• West - Gave her a memorable piece of flair and has a heart wrenching story about his wife.  He's therefore obligated to make it fairly deep into this season.
• Constantine - There's not much to go on here, but I get the feeling Ashley likes this guy.  This is really nothing more than a hunch.
• Ben C. - I think speaking French was a good opening tack, and he's got some worldly appeal.  He almost seems like a normal human.
• Bentley - As wary as she is about him, Ashley considers him to be the forbidden fruit.  Contrary to how the editing portrays it, I doubt that he lasts all that deep into the show, or that Ashley falls madly in love with him only to learn that he wants Emily instead.  I would think she'd be more pissed off than sad about that little nugget.  There's probably a groan-inducing letdown with this staged drama.  He'll stick around long enough to be hated by millions of scornful women.  You tell him, sisters. 
• Ben F. - Great icebreaker with the hand-crafted Sonoma wine, but is there anything else going on there?  He seemed to be the most natural and at ease during the introductions.  I'll throw a few bucks on him getting somewhere on this show.
• Ames - While the khaki pants/jacket look was pretty odd in a prep school kind of way, the guy seems to be mega successful and motivated.  This is something our little dentist can probably appreciate and/or exploit.
• J.P. - I read somewhere that this guy resembles Ashley's ex.  I think it's more than apparent that she's clearing off space for his portrait on her little Bachelorette shrine.  I usually don't trust guys with initials for a first name.  If I had to wager on a winner based on what we know after only one show, this is where I'd put my money.

At this point, I could be totally wrong, but whatever.  I like my chances.

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

In 1928, D.H. Lawrence wrote Lady Chatterley's Lover, a daring, ribald novel depicting a steamy relationship between a schlub and a woman of means.  At the time of publication, it was cutting edge stuff.  Like, really naughty and such.  In fact, it wasn't openly published in the United States until 1959, and only after legal intervention, due to all of the salacious descriptions of sex and use of words that made women blush and men recoil in feigned horror.

In fact, Senator Reed Smoot (R-Utah) opposed an amendment to his beloved Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act which would have ended the practice of U.S. Customs censoring books with "questionable" material.  He felt so strongly about this that he threatened (though never followed through) to read "indecent" passages in the Senate:

"I've not taken ten minutes on Lady Chatterley's Lover, outside of looking at its opening pages. It is most damnable! It is written by a man with a diseased mind and a soul so black that he would obscure even the darkness of hell!"

Some pretty strong words from the right honorable gentleman from Utah  You can clearly see how much Congress has changed in 80-some years.

So what does all of this have to do with a pint-size dentist from Maine and her journey to find real, honest, true love?  Well, nothing, since this show will be more in the vein of Senator Smoot's vision of America than D.H. Lawrence's bawdy visions in his mind, but I felt I should get the first literary allusion out of the way.

David Herbert Richards Lawrence (11 September 1885 – 2 March 1930):  He thinks we're all a bunch of prudes

Now, some of you might ask:  "Hey, what makes you qualified to blog about this show?"  That's a really great question, sir/madam, and I'm happy to answer it up front.  For starters, I took this quiz on ABC.com just now and scored a very adept 7/10.  Good enough, but not too good, if you know what I mean.  It shows that I'm not some deluded insider who is afraid to take on the system. I care enough to know that Ashley has a new weird hair color, but not enough to know that she would also take a phone to a desert island.  Trust me, you don't want some superfan writing this blog. I need to be honest with you, in good times and bad... sometimes brutally so.  If you don't have the stomach for this, please exit now keeping in mind that the closest exit may be behind you.

I should also add that I, too, have dated a very short periodontal professional, so I think I'm more than qualified to comment on their peculiarities.  You'll need this insight going forward which you should record in the notebooks provided.  Now, the dentist that I dated went to Temple, not Penn, so adjust accordingly.

Enough set up.  Onto the show...

"Hi, I'm Chris Harrison."

I really feel like I should know who this guy is.

In case you forgot, Ashley is exceptionally sassy and vibrant.  She's a dentist that doesn't have a care in the world, with the possible exception of that $160,000 student loan bill awaiting her upon graduation.  And she's all about Philly. Just look at her run up the Philadelphia Museum of Art steps and pose like Rocky. I guess the hackneyed stuff is starting early, though this seems even more schlocky than usual.

I didn't remember Ashley being a big dancer.  Am I alone?  They're making it seem as though she has three true passions in life:  dentistry, dancing, and feeling inadequate.  Dancers don't have a strong history on this franchise.  Remember Tenley?  She performed a very special dance exhibition for Jake which led to her nearly immediate dismissal.  At least Ashley is holding the cards as the Bachelorette, but I'm worried about her with this.  Mental bookmark for later.

Since there's really no coherent storyline to talk about with 25 dudes being released into the wild en masse, it's probably better to just go for some snap reactions and see what develops.  Oh look, here comes the limo now...

I don't know the answer to this, but I assume the house is the same every season.  Maybe when the series finally meets its overdue demise, ABC can parlay this into Extreme Makeover:  Bachelor House Flip Edition.  This isn't the first Extreme Makeover joke I've tossed out there, and it won't be the last.  Is that the one with the ADHD host Ty Pennington?  I'm too lazy to look it up.  I'd love to see that dude go off his meds and just shred that place with a wrecking ball.

It seems that lots of these guys looking for some journeys to go on.  Boy, are you fellas are in luck.

A daughter named... Cozy?*  Welcome to the show, Bentley.  I want to meet the ex-wife that was cool with this.  This reminds me... I read an excellent piece on ESPN.com today (definitely worth the read) about that rabid 'Bama fan Harvey Updyke, Jr. who stands accused of poisoning some hallowed trees on the campus of Auburn.  There I learned that Mr. Updyke named his cherished offspring "Bear Bryant" and "Crimson Tyde."  This is pretty close to that.

We also learn that Bentley is a single dad, living in Salt Lake City, and that one of Ashley's old show pals (yet unnamed) narced him out for being a dog who is, get this, "there for all the wrong reasons."  I'm doing the math and getting Michelle as the answer.  I wonder if Ms. Money slept with him too.  First Carlos Boozer, now this.  Is nothing sacred anymore?

Ooo.. a butcher.  How.. forcibly provincial.  Anthony seems to be conjuring up the role of Danny Zuko in Grease; he's only missing the "T-Birds" leather jacket.  The whole vibe is all wrong here.  Sometimes people appear on this show and just lose their minds and start auditioning for something.  I guess he'll have to cut meat on another show.

It looks like the producers found a way to sustain Emily's sense of loss and tragedy in this guy West (which, incidentally, "is just north of south").  It's a horrible, tragic story to be sure, but I'm reading there are some murky circumstances surrounding that whole situation.  Yeah, this seems like a really bad idea.  Like, VH1's Megan Wants a Millionaire bad.

Professional reality show contestant Megan Hauserman (5 November 1981 – ):  You're welcome

There's already too much tragedy with these guys.  Yuck.  I'm craving some faux drama.  That commercial with Sofia Vergara helped some.

As Chris contractually inserts himself into the show, he discovers, mostly despite himself, that our Ash already has a massive complex about not being the girl the guys expect or want.  I think that's a large scab that can be picked at.  We learn later that it's exactly what the producers have in mind.  I'm equal parts horrified and pleased by this.  Well done, you cagey bastards.  More, please.

"No regrets, Chris."  Oh, we'll see about that.

If Vegas set some prop bets for the premiere episode, one of them surely would have been "number of times Ashley is picked up off the ground."  I'm a little surprised by it only being two, but I think some of these guys are pacing themselves.  Pretty clever way to determine her weight while maintaining a sense of ease and playfulness.  Not a bad maneuver, gents, but don't get all grabby with the butt.  Overall, I think the cumulative total could easily exceed 50 with about 15 appearing in the edited show.  Someone keep track.

The next batch of dudes seems to be a little more promising.  Well, sort of.

This guy William is surely the new Kasey, with some Weatherman dweebiness thrown in.  There will be some guarding and protecting of that heart, I can tell already.  "He's pretty damn amazing," Ashley confidently concludes.  Peel back the layers, sweetie.

Thank god this season has some bona fide freaks.  I'm quite pleased about this.  Hell, I'm barely breaking a sweat here.

Tim, the liquor distributor from Nassau County Noo Yawk, does NOT like Jeff's mask, but he does like him some drrrrink.  Reminds me of that scene in Se7en when Pitt demanded to know what was in the box.  There's a human head in there, Tim.

The mask is a semi-interesting twist, and probably not Jeff's idea, but c'mon man, you have got to have a personality to pull it off.  Looks like it isn't a one day only deal either.  I hope they're compensating this poor bastard.  Say, did you know that Phantom of the Opera opened on Broadway on January 26, 1988 and is still running on Broadway to this day with over 9700 shows?  Man, I sure hope that mask comes off.

Ben F. was good.  "Here, have some wine that I made."  Most of these guys are trying to simply avoid tripping over themselves or farting in public, and this dude shows up with his own wine.  I don't want to get too prediction heavy here, but his whole approach seems to have finale written all over it.

The Canadian is predictably odd.  Way to break the mold.  When I signed on to do this, I wanted a challenge.  This is not one.

Did that guy say he wanted a pic with Chris Harrison?  I don't even remember who said it, I just remember being confused, much like the time I saw a female dog humping a fuzzy chew toy.

Something's not right here:  A Chris Harrison photobomb

I like this Constantine guy's shtick with the pink dental floss.  I'm giving that a 9.28 out of 10.  I can see about four or five of these guys having some original thoughts.  I do have to say that this whole first day thing really puts a premium on being creative and making some kind of an impression.  For example, the INXS/Bob Dylan tribute deal with the cards written by some female producer was pretty kitschy.  I'll give him props even if that was 10% his idea

You know, Brad got 30 women to choose from.  It looks like that glass ceiling is still in place.  I'll bet Madison could have negotiated for 50 guys.  I still think that was an opportunity lost, and no I won't shut up about her.

The best way to get on Ashley's good side was made clear right away:  tell her you're so happy she's the Bachelorette, and not that Barbie clone Emily.  Apparently Bentley didn't get the message there.  Might as well say it now:  that guy is a total plant.  He seems to be the only real source of drama and apparently drives Ashley to protracted self-doubting sob sessions.  I keep thinking Michelle is the puppet master here.  I want to believe that, anyway.  How cool would that be?

Lending some credibility to this plant theory, Harrison wouldn't shut the hell up about Bentley.  He was all "have you met Bentley yet?" and "I think Bentley is in that limo" and "how are you going to react when Bentley steps out?"  Looks like someone's got a crush.  The way that they are hyping him up, they might as well change the name of the show to Ashley vs. that Giant Asshole Bentley.  Based on the previews it seems like they're going to ride that train as long as possible.

Speaking of which, Ryan P. sure is... flamboyant.  That's my first impression.

I suppose the format of the show is pretty much low hanging fruit on the list of things to nitpick, but seeing it again just drives me crazy.  When, oh when, will they dispense with the "this is the final rose" garbage.  I want to literally beat the person that conceived of this.  If the producers came to me and said, "hey, guy.. we'll let you change one thing about the show," that's what I'm choosing.

I could start handicapping this horse race, with odds and everything, but I'm not going there yet.  The field is way too big, and we don't have sufficient data.  I will say that I think J.P. is finale material.  Ashley wubs him muchly.  He seems non-threatening enough.  If I had to hazard a guess about "type," she seems to like guys that have a little life to them and seem to be outwardly "nice" (which is why I'm not buying her insistence that she loved Brad to pieces).  We'll see how that goes.  She might just want a gay boyfriend to gossip with, in which case Ryan stands a decent shot. 

Apparently a guy wearing a black mask is what passes for diversity on this show.  This crew is whiter than the 1948 Kentucky Wildcats championship hoops team.  Producer Mike Fleiss' position on this matter (per an interview with Entertainment Weekly) is worth putting out there again as it's worthy of intense ridicule:

EW: "Will we ever see a Bachelor or a Bachelorette who is not white?" 

Fleiss: "I think Ashley is 1/16th Cherokee Indian, but I cannot confirm. But that is my suspicion! We really tried, but sometimes we feel guilty of tokenism. Oh, we have to wedge African-American chicks in there! We always want to cast for ethnic diversity, it’s just that for whatever reason, they don’t come forward. I wish they would."

Yes, it must be a lack of supply, Mike.  Keep looking.

There's no way Miss Hebert is getting married after this is all over with.  I'll commit to that here and now, Ali and Trista be dammed.  Those two had their stuff together.  Ashley is too much of a scatterbrained goof.  And of course the dentist thing pretty much ensures failure.  I'd have higher hopes for Shawntel the mortician coming out of this process with a hubby than Ashley.

Looking forward to a show with some more pulp than this, and fewer damn names.  Au revoir, first round of cuts.  We hardly knew ye.



* After doing some digging, it turns out that Bentley's daughter's actual name is "Cozette" which shortens to "Cozy."  I'm guessing this is an homage to Cosette from Les Misérables, but who knows.  At least she's not an adjective.

A Little Something to Get You Ready

Fittingly, this video has nothing to do with the show, but it does share the same name, and that's good enough for me.

 

Six days, Seven Nights

About a dozen dozen hours.  The duration of a pivotal Middle Eastern war.   Nearly the length of test cricket.  The Bachelorette is back, almost, and we stand at the precipice of... something.

Perhaps by Disney fiat, the show has been nearly the same from day one, but the stakes are bigger, the audience wider, and the featured player?  Well, she's kind of a dud, but that's what makes this a challenge.  For those of you who aren't yet familiar with my work in this area, you're really in for a treat.  I say that not out of self-aggrandizement, but you won't find as much mental masturbation set to type as you will in this space.  And oddly, the focus of all of this energy is a throwaway show that airs on Monday nights on ABC.  Why all of the obsession?  Because I care enough to get people through it.  I do.  I really mean that.

Maybe at some point I'll repost my analysis and commentary on The Bachelor Season 15, which, to be quite honest, probably deserves a web Pulitzer or whatever they dole out to fake writers who lack a formal journalism/English degree or any real experience entertaining anyone, but that aside... we're swabbing the decks and getting ready for The Bachelorette with what I would safely classify as the 17th best candidate for the principal role in Ashley Hebert.

Timeless beauty, and only five foot nothing

Devoted readers will recall my (ahem) fondness of dentists, inasmuch as they are uniformly psychotic and should be arrested for practicing witchcraft, but setting that aside for a moment, I think we can all agree that Ashley was arguably the second best Ashley available.  I'm sure there are a scant few of you were are super excited about Miss Hebert's foray into the carefully scripted realm of reality TV dating, but most of us couldn't be more bored by the prospect.  Not to say that Brad was some Übermensch, but he offered the purest form of self-absorbed douchiness that saw a huge number people rallying around him, for various reasons.  And best of all, Brad was a cliché generator without parallel.  As someone who is honing their craft in this space, what better place to start?  This stuff wrote itself, and I just had to sit at the keyboard for a few hours to let it flow.  So thank you, Bradley. 

But the trouble I see on the horizon with Ashley is that she seems like a perfectly nice person who blends into society in nearly every measurable way.  Well, save the talk about continuing education credits and UV cured polymer adhesives.  People don't want to tune in to watch a two hour show devoted to your boring cousin who is into philately, smooth jazz, and their cat "Mr. Furrybottom," they want to see a beautiful disaster rife with contradictions and drama.  They might even want to see some blood drawn.  You can decide how literally  you want to take that.

So maybe The Bachelorette Season 7 will be an order of magnitude more challenging to talk about, which I'm frankly expecting, but can you imagine the bountiful riches  that potentially await us?  Why did George Herbert Leigh Mallory commission a team to summit Mt. Everest in 1924?  

Because it was there.

Why did John F. Kennedy challenge the United States to go to the Moon before a joint session of Congress in 1961?

Because it was hard. 

Look, I openly acknowledge that we could end up losing our collective noses to frostbite, or careening endlessly into space, but I argue that this is a challenge that should, nay, must be undertaken. And dammit, I need you there with me.

For the kids.