There's a NEW Zealand?

As we visit yet another perfect place to fall in love (New Zealand!), there are some unresolved issues we need to address.

Clare is still puzzling over her regretted finger banging episode in the South China Sea.  Juan has been quite the gentleman by airing his grievances publicly and questioning Clare's commitment to the innocence of children everywhere.  Has this woman no shame?  How will little Camila react when she sees daddy taking a four a.m. dip in the ocean far from camera view only to flip out and wish the whole thing never happened?

While Clare tries to sort through that manufactured mess (which quite honestly, still confuses me), Cassandra, who hasn't seen any steady camera time in about five episodes laments her "boyfriend" dating other women while she sits at home pining away for her son.  That's just no way to treat a woman, Juan.  If only someone could have prevented this kind of situation somehow.  Confiding in fellow single mom Renee seems like the natural reaction, not to mention that Renee acts and looks a lot more like Cassandra's mom than her peer.  If Renee had a heart, she'd adopt Cassandra.

Andi is the big winner of the first date and irons her best plaid shirt for the occasion.  Lookin' sharp, Andi.  Clare seems really mad about this.  Probably the date, not so much the plaid.  This would have been the perfect time for some make up sex.  Looks like these two are officially having their first big fight.  Not that Clare is bitter or anything.  She's audibly gnashing her teeth through that fake smile.  She's so happy for Andi, after all.

Juan's big plan is some river speedboat runs and maybe some wading through a cramped chasm affectionately named "The Squeeze."  The locals told him this was a typical date in New Zealand, so who is he to argue.  That boat was really moving.

Hair tangled, after a quick dip in a waterfall and a trip to hair and makeup, these two like-birds settled in for an exotic meal next to a geyser.  And when I say next to, I really mean on top of.  Couldn't have set up that picnic any worse.  Sure enough, another Bachelor meal completely ruined by mother nature.  I don't think a couple has actually eaten a meal on this show in a good 4-5 years.  It's always something.  A good 80% of their calories come from alcohol anyway.  Even sans geyser, this dinner was probably doomed.  There was a lot of confusion over the concept of edible lamb chops.  You'd think it was octopus.

Failed meals aside, Andi is quite the catch, but Juan doesn't really seem to know what he's doing with her.  Likewise, she seems to be merely tolerating his attempts to impress her, or at least pretending he's some other guy that she might actually want to date.  This has been a problem with Sharleen as well.  Usually this kind of hookup would be in a bar somewhere at 3 a.m. and everyone would silently part ways the next morning acknowledging that it was a bad idea for everyone involved.  Instead we get weeks of this awkwardness.  

Andi:  "I can't wait to have a family."  [big introspective grin]
Juan:  "You will."  [moves away]

Juan needs bite size meals like Nikki and Clare.  He's not ready for seven course presentations and prix fixe.  You figure these ladies will just politely excuse themselves at some point and never come back.  Not a prediction, but it wouldn't surprise me.

Back at the resort, 21 year-old Cassandra, who is younger that some of my t-shirts, is predictably making a big deal about her birthday, much as would be expected from someone who just recently was bestowed the gift of legal drinking.  It really would be the "best gift ever" for Cassandra to get that coveted one-on-one.  The only sticking point is that he's not the least bit interested in forming a mini Brady Bunch with the former NBA dancer.  Juan is interested in a date with stupid Clare, though.  I'm sorry (well, no I'm not), but Clare is the kind of person that mentally exhausts you after a 10 minute conversation.  She's either continually smiling or continually pretending to smile.  There's this sustained faux energy level that just smacks of insincerity.  She doesn't look 32, but there's a lot of miles on those tires.

But first, OGO-ing in Rotorua.  What is OGO?  I'm glad you asked:

In 1994, Andrew Akers and Dwane van der Sluis invented a big inflatable ball that people could jump inside and roll around in.  Initially they thought they could use the ball for walking on water [ed: like Jesus] but they soon found they could have more fun rolling down hills in it.

There are many fine OGO options, but these crazy kids decided on the 40 liters of water option just to mix things up, and unfortunately to ruin any carefully crafted makeup jobs.  Not that they need it.

Oh dear.

Nikki will never look better than she does on this show, and yet I feel like I'm seeing something that would almost certainly scare me if I wasn't properly prepared for it (and I wasn't).  You know, maybe Cassandra isn't that bad after all.

Probably not the birthday Cassandra was hoping for thus far, but maybe her fortunes would change in Hobbiton ("Discover the real Middle-earth" -- the part that isn't lazy CGI).  We've barely gotten any emotion other than soul-draining ennui out of Sharleen, but by god, take this woman to Hobbiton and it's like Emily Maynard discovering Dollywood.  Sure, no Peter Jackson (he of $6 billion worldwide gross revenues), but plenty of small furniture and cool mugs.  Fortunately, the miruvor (brewed from the honey of the undying flowers in the gardens of Yavanna) is still 100 proof.

It is in Hobbiton that Renee learns that she's one of Juan's "special ones."  We're not sure what that means exactly, but to this point it's meant taking a back seat to virtually everyone left on the show.  According to Renee, emotionally this is where she expects to be roughly 8 full months into a relationship.  There's managing expectations, and then there's this.

Similarly, Cassandra seems to be living in an alternate reality.  She's just trucking along in life:  freshly 22, a kid, and now just needs a husband to wrap it all up in a bow.  Turns out that Juan is a guy, so maybe he could be the dad she needs.  For her son.  And wouldn't it just be the best birthday present ever if she got that rose?

Juan confidently announces "I think I'm gonna have a happy ending here" which doubtlessly produced some stifled chuckles, but no one was laughing when Tolkien enthusiast and fluent Elvish speaker Sharleen got the rose.  Second place was a set of steak knives.  Third place was getting kicked off the show.  It was a valiant attempt to make this dismissal seem emotional and setting it to somber music, but it had all of the heartache of an ATM transaction.  Later, Cassie.

All of this work and we still haven't resolved this Clare thing.  Well, I have.  Beat it, sister.  Juan hasn't, however.  He's still wrestling with the paradox of this hot little body paired with a brain that doesn't quite execute logical thought.  The irony of this particular situation is that Clare is right.  (God I hate typing that.)  If she wasn't so desperate to win this competition she'd rightfully say "what the fuck, dude?!?"  I don't claim to know what happened in the ocean that night, but for it to elicit that kind of regret on his part, it must have been something truly special.  They say nothing good happens after midnight.  Well, doubly so 100 feet off shore.

So here's the big kiss-and-make-up moment, and Juan's already using every move he has in his arsenal.  Lots of baby talk and hair touching.  So, basically he has two signature moves (maybe three:  the "me no english" lost in translation card), and Clare doesn't seem to be taking the bait.

Okay, so she took the bait.  Recap:

Juan:  "You wanted it, so I didn't want to disappoint you."
Clare:  "So, what's the line?"
Juan:  "I never do anything in front of Camila.  Not hold hands, nothing."
Clare:  "Your daughter isn't here.  They edit stuff out, dummy."
Juan:  "Now you know."
Clare:  "You make any excellent point.  Just don't make me sad."

Even watching this from the relative safety of my couch, the hairs on my neck stood up.

Rest of the date consisted of defining the verb "bolt," changing into some MC Hammer pants, and (naturally) not eating the food.  Easily the best night of Clare's life.

By the evening, it seems pretty obvious that Nikki is the clear cut favorite.  She's giving him the green light and then some, and all of it without looking too insane (which seems to be a skill of late).  Again, no idea what happens from here on out, but there really isn't much mystery left to this.  He's already had a "fight" was Clare.  Nikki is basically telling Juan she's ovulating.  Sharleen looks like she's ready to vomit.  Andi is in love with some image of a guy she'd like to be in love with one day.  Renee is a good buddy and listener.  Kat is about to be killed off three shows too late.  Chelsie is making no impact whatsoever.  What more is there?  See, this would be the perfect time for a plot twist.  Bring in five more women, all latinas, with the show conducted entirely in Spanish with subtitles.  Nikki's had it much too easy.  She hasn't had to use Courtney's full arsenal on these pushovers.

The only real question was who to eliminate first:  Kat or Chelsie?  My thoughts on this are well-known.  Maybe I have an unhealthy obsession fascination with Chelsie, but how do you not keep this girl around?  Sure she's a little silly and immature, but she's certainly a lot less likely to kill you in your sleep than Clare.  Does she have a glass eye?  Fake limb?  What am I missing here?

Am I the only fan of this girl?  Hello?

Chelsie's big appeal this week is that she wasn't Kat.  Mounting what was left of a defense, Kat confided to Juan that she had been journaling her experiences.  This conversation then morphed into some standard night one boilerplate about her drunk dad and accompanying sentimental music.  A little late for the schmaltz.  Nikki is picking out flatware and registering at Pottery Barn.

To the surprise of no one anywhere, Kat leaves.  To the surprise of most everywhere, Juan acts like it was some kind of painful blow.  Yes, we all remember Kat in a bikini, but I think we're strong enough to move on.

Let's see what's left:

6. Clare - Yeah, no thanks.
5. Renee - A good pal and I hope a great Realtor®.
4. Sharleen - I fear what happens in Week 7 with no Hobbiton.
3. Nikki - As long as she stays dry, I'm a little bit on board.
2. Andi - These control issues are catching up to her.
1. Chelsie - I'm ready for a commitment.  

Let's be honest:  this crew is kind of a mess.  Two of these ladies are probably going to leave on their own.  He only really has much of a connection with Clare and Nikki, and they absolutely hate each other in a way that is far beyond healthy.

Good luck with this.

Sex and the South China Sea

"We were on a recon in a steaming Mekong delta.  An overheated private removed his flak jacket, revealing a t-shirt with an iron-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!"  Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it.  But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us.  I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice.  I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right."


Act I:  If Renee doesn't get a kiss soon, she's going to dry hump herself raw

I'll start by saying:  I don't really "get" Renee, and I really don't get why Juan seems intent on teasing this poor girl by taking her on all of these one-on-one dates.  Sure, they're both 32 and single parents, but she's a frumpy Realtor® from Sarasota, and there are real live attractive women he could be spending his time with.  Renee would barely merit mention on a "Hottest Women of ERA Realty" calendar.  Fellow single mom and veneer goddess Emily Maynard sure as hell didn't have any interest in anyone else's kids, and neither does Juan.  Hopefully this charade ends soon, because as much as I'm not interested in Renee as a contestant, I'm equally uninterested in seeing someone with her trusting nature and fragile disposition get crushed on national TV.  You can tell it's going to get ugly too.

After a date highlighted by two flowers, a custom form fitting dress, and lots of intimate alone time, Juan comes to the conclusion that kissing Renee would raise too many difficult questions in the mind or her 8 year old son Ben, so he definitely will NOT be kissing her tonight.  I'm fairly certain she's going to kill this man in his sleep.

It seems as though Juan gets paid to mess with Renee's head.  There's little else that makes sense about this.


Act II:  Clare needs to stop getting kisses because she's a crazy-eyed psycho

Renee probably doesn't give two shits anymore, but she probably didn't realize just how much of an also-ran she was on the show until watching Juan do this about five minutes into the group date:

"I can't.  I'm a dad.  Okay, fine."

I think this was the point where the women started to turn on our soccer enthusiast.  There comes a moment in every Bachelor's season when he has decide whether to say "fuck it, I do what I want" or not.  It's got to be terribly enabling to the base male ego to have scads of women vying for your attention.  Several weeks into this process, a man in such a position of power almost can't help but feel that he's entitled to these vast riches and is beyond reproach.  True masters of the craft, however, can deftly navigate this minefield and sense the danger before them.  It's only Week 5.  You're just growing into the role.  You think you have it all figured out, but what if Vienna is a nut job?  What if Courtney just wants to gain exposure to enrich her modeling career?  What if Clare is generally kind of a bad idea?  Give yourself some options, man.

The ladies were starting to talk mutiny.  The interminably cute "science educator" Chelsie lamented her romantic morning spent with the usually mute but highly photogenic Alli.  Lonely power lawyer Andi was letting the litigious gears turn in her head about how she could "sue everybody" over her lack of one-on-one time.  I'm telling you, this whole thing can turn on a dime, and before you know it, you're left with that kinky-haired whatshername as your only option.

Raiden smoothing things over with Mileena.

Juan kind of picks up on his lower approval ratings by nightfall, but still decides that it's a pretty great idea to spurn the rest of the women for some special pool time with Clare, who still draws a favorable resemblance to Kristen Bell, but with about an eighth of the charm.  I admit that this Clare fetish is a little puzzling from my view four months late and over 8,000 miles away, and there's very little that will help me understand.  Clingy, overeager, vapid.. you know, the good stuff.  I'm sure I have it all wrong, though.

He hasn't totally lost control of his throng.  Even the hyper-skeptical Andi, who seems to be out for blood at times and voices her "control" issues like they are a mantra, can be coaxed off the ledge with some choice baby talk and beach cuddles.  It's got to be exhausting bitching about Juan being a dog one minute and then faux-protesting to the camera the next over your embarrassing make-out session that isn't fit for mom back home.  And surely a few of the most worked up among them have to be in a continual state of disappointment over this one rose for a bunch of women dynamic they have going.  It's almost like this is some kind of dating show and they're just doing this to get people upset for effect.

But wait, we're still not done with Clare.  This is quite an extraordinary run for someone who was on a group date with a bunch of other girls.  I know that these days run long, but if we are to believe the commentary (and I usually do), Clare shows up at Juan's door around 4 a.m. for a proposed dip in the warm South China Sea.  A little pushy, a little ballsy, but also a little shrewd.  What better way to score some some intimate contact than to book a date in camera unfriendly waters a good 100 feet off shore?  Do I know that they didn't play "just the tip" out there?  I do not.  In Clare's words:

"We just went for it.  And I don't regret it.  Pure bliss.  In every way."

No one would have to clarify that they don't regret swimming in the ocean, right?


Act III:  Nikki goes straight to hell

Fresh off the beach sex and with a solid three hours of sleep, Juan sets off on a solo date with Nikki, who, I must say, is doing an incredible rendition of Courtney Robertson.  She even has the glib lines down.  On the prospects of rappelling into an infinite abyss:

"Oh good, I can't see the bottom.  That's always good.  Should someone call my mom and tell her I love her?"

"I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants."

Actually, there's a good possibility poop is involved in any of those scenarios.  Of course they "randomly" send the girl into the physical challenge they are least mentally or physically equipped to handle.  Nikki has several close brushes will a full-blown anxiety attack, but fortunately Juan is there to restore her sanity with some dangling besitos.  All I can think is that Renee has to be so pissed right now.

There must've been something special in that bottomless cave, because folks, we have our first official "falling for" utterance of the season.  Not even a bottomless Clare went that far.  Sprinkle in a little chatter about taking care of sick kids, and it's very possible we have a new leader in the clubhouse.

"When we get engaged, you're gonna stop touching my ears, right?"

It was nice to see Renee finally get that kiss, which was the perfect contrast to Juan nearly impregnating Clare the previous night.  "It was so worth the wait!"  Make sure to tell yourself that when you're packing up to leave.

As much as I don't like Clare, and I really don't like Clare, huge power douche move using his daughter as an excuse for regretting his deep sea mutual masturbation session.  I figure he's probably realizing that Clare isn't much more than a fun time and is already looking for a way out, and bonus points if he can put the blame on her.  Luckily for Juan, Clare is very reasonable and measured in her reactions, so this should quickly find an amicable resolution with little residual damage.

"Hey.  Just delete it."

Aside from Juan claiming he was raped by Clare, there wasn't much need to go off script.  Danielle, Kelly, and Alli were just happy to have made it this far.  I thought it was especially charitable of the producers to splice in some Danielle commentary about rose ceremony "jitters."  Better late than never.  Andi, on the other hand, looked like she was going to vomit:

"I'm in control.. I'm in control.."

At least we're now (almost) down to the actual competitors.  Okay, so Cassandra has no chance, but I could make at least a partial argument for the other seven.

Big Board™:

8.  Cassandra - God, I'm so bored.
7.  Kat - Lovely rack.  Just lovely.  I'm drawing a blank otherwise.
6.  Renee - I think I hear Ben calling.
5.  Clare - I didn't think I could feel sorry for her, but I actually feel sorry for her.
4.  Sharleen - Getting by on being "different."  Impressive run for such disdain.
3.  Nikki - Seems like she could probably kill a man if necessary.
2.  Chelsie - Threatening the top spot merely by staying out of trouble.
1.  Andi - Doesn't seem like she can take much more of this lack of control.

This is, of course, my personal preference.  Who do I like to win?  If I had to bet the farm, it would be Nikki, but I'm not convinced he likes any of them enough to actually propose.  Might be another Womackian oh-fer.

Asian Invasion

We’re going on a trip..

[giddy!]

Get your passports..

[OMG!]

We’re going to a country in Asia..

[!!!!!!]

With a total land area of just over 100,000 square kilometers..

[???]

Good for 109th of all countries in the world..

[?]

And the home of Gangnam Style..

[Japan?  Wait.. China?]

Seoul..

[Japan?]

South Korea!

[OMG!  Japan’s little cousin!]

Our first excursion outside the U.S.!  Are we doing the Asian circuit again so quickly?  I feel like it was just yesterday when Ames Brown regaled us with stories of his ultra marathons, many of which were, in fact, hosted in SE Asia.  I don’t think “we’ve” been to South Korea before, but it’s about damn time.  There are few places that can simulate New York City so perfectly, but with double the population density.  I hope you all packed soap.

Aside from openly mocking Korean culture, this episode was all about framing up Nikki as the "bad girl."  Yes, the one that is "different" around the girls than Juan.  The obligatory girl that isn't there for the right reasons.  I’ll say up front that I’m not buying this, especially when they are going so desperately out of their way to telegraph their intentions.  “Hey, America.  Nikki is mean!  You should hate her!”  Sorry, I won’t.  Did they have pull this crap with Courtney?  No.  Courtney let her handiwork speak for itself.  They’re pressing their luck by pushing off Nikki as some kind of super villain.  I get that she is a little grumpy about being a girl and such, but that doesn’t make her a bad person.  At least not yet.  And honestly, if you're going to focus hate, I'll offer up Clare as a suitable alternative.

My grandparents would cringe, but Korea is probably currently best known for Gangnam Style and while I’m quite positive Next Entertainment "reached out" to Psy (who is basically the nastiest media slut in modern times), even he has his limits.  In his place, they found “The Spice Girls of Korea” 21!  Check that, 2NE1.  "21" was already taken, and lord knows we can only have one band named 21.

In case you were worried, pre-assembled corporate girl groups are not an annoying feature exclusive to the US and UK.  It’s truly a worldwide phenomenon.  In Asia, it’s a really big deal.  Take Japan’s AKB48, for example.  They’ve sold over 25 million albums and have 89 members.  89!  On the flip side is Hatsune Miku who is merely a solo act, but has the distinction of being a hologram.  I guess Gorillaz isn’t real either, but at least I feel like I know who Damon Albarn is.

Since we’re in foreign musical territory, let’s talk YouTube views.  2NE1’s video “I Am the Best” has over 77 84 million views!  In an age where a cat chasing a laser pointer can get 10 million views easy, this is a little underwhelming.  Maybe in 2009 this was a big number.  Our boy Psy on the other hand has over 3 billion collective views.  That’s like one view for every “I know, right?” Emily Maynard has ever uttered.

I wasn’t really blown away with the dance moves, but I was pretty impressed with lead vocalist Park Bom’s command of English.  My god, it’s like she grew up on the East Coast.  Funny enough, actually she went to high school in Maine (of all places) and graduated from the Berklee College of Music in Boston.  That's so Korean of her.

Unfortunately, NBA Dancer/Medical Sales Rep Kat decides this dancing gig is her big break and tries desperately to upstage everyone with her “look at me” head jerks and wild flailing.  I’d be shocked if some people watching in that mall didn’t call to help that poor girl having a seizure on stage.  In case you’re wondering if the mental condition of thinking you’re really good at something only to actually suck at it has a name, it does:  the Dunning-Kruger effect.  It nicely explains the horror of many an American Idol contestant thinking they’re amazing singers, and perhaps explains why people like James Canupp post videos of themselves butchering church tunes.  (Trust me, you want to hear this.)

This isn’t much different than Juan Pablo thinking he can walk on with the L.A. Galaxy, I suppose.  

And while Kat and Juan are totally feeling the vibe of Korean pop, Nikki is throwing a mini tantrum and letting everyone know that she does NOT dance, even though she probably can just fine.  Maybe a good case of anti-Dunning-Kruger.

I really want to believe that this is Korea’s answer to One Direction, but I have to think the latter could pull a better crowd at some random five story mall, and certainly if some enterprising producers were actively recruiting people to show up.  Tiffany used to do a lot of mall work in her day and basically set the standard for mall-based performances back in 1987.  Korea seems to be a good 25+ years behind the curve here.

Probably the best part of the entire sequence was this:

Fore:  Chelsie slapping her shapely bottom to the rhythm.  Aft:  Nikki wearing a stupid hat.

I’m sure fans in the mall watching this mess probably didn’t even notice the Juan Pablo harem on stage, but can you image the reverse:  a bunch of Koreans dancing on stage with Justin Bieber for no earthly reason?  It would probably trigger Homeland Security.  Mostly because Beiber is a dirty Canadian felon who needs to be deported immediately.  We can't have rich kids heaving eggs at their neighbors.

All of the excitement of mall concerts wound down later with a trip to some kind of garden sanctuary.  No one is quite sure what it was, but there wasn't really anything to do.  Juan just took the ladies aside one by one for private chats.  That's not really much of a date.  At least there wasn't any pretense here.  Awkward?  Oh my, yes.  Kat, for starters, wanted Juan to know that she's not just the "fun" girl, no matter what her dance moves might have said earlier.  I mean, she moved to Arizona for work, for god sake.  If that doesn't scream stable, mature woman, not much can.  But there's even more.  Kat's dad had 7 DUIs, followed by some lemon-making out of lemonade or somesuch.  It's all a little murky, to be honest, but she's definitely not the crazy guacamole peddler that Nikki makes her out to be.

Don’t worry, Juan is keeping his eyes open.  As open as his beady little eyes will allow.  He's not going to let some crazy blonde girl touting her world class diaper changing skills to dupe him.  No sir.

No such worries with Cassandra, who sounds vaguely like a head injury victim.

Sharleen gets yet another one on one date, which makes her "happy."

Sharleen can barely contain her excitement of yet another date

It's more than just caution, she can't really stand this guy.  One has two degrees in music performance, and the other would get a degree in soccer if they offered one.  One is going to have her tubes tied just to make sure she can't procreate, and the other is going to have a half dozen kids.  One is pretty bland, and the other is "not bland."  Which is a good thing.  Like I've said before, an all-expenses paid vacation is a great motivator.

The rest of the girls get some "Krazy in Korea" time.  This is the part of the show where we point out how strange and weird Korea is, at least in a PG rated non-Old Boy re-inactment sort of way.  Karaoke at a converted brothel was a nice start.  Surprised that didn't get edited out completely.  But wait.  Swan paddle boats?  “Dr. Fish Zone” for a fish pedicure?  This truly is the dumbest date yet.  At least we get to see Clare recoil in horror over semi-exotic food.  It's all the same with a little kimchi (Korean for "sweaty sock flavor").

Much of this show has revolved around Renee and her inability to kiss Juan, but my god she wants to.  She's even licked her lips and everything getting ready for the big moment (that will likely never come).

Any second now...

Renee is so desperate that she basically asked Juan to kiss her.  "What would Camila think if she saw me kiss you."  Not wanting to kiss her, he asked her the same of her son.  Oh, he's good, this one.  I don't know why he claims he needs to be all chaste for his daughter when he's been mauling more than a few women already.  "I've kissed six girls already."   Is there some kind of quota?  Looks like Renee isn't hot enough to earn some kissing time.  Sorry, Renee.

More than a few “friend zoners” on this date.  Lauren, for one.  "Are you going to kiss him?"  "Probably not."  Well, she tried anyway, and this was the dramatic result:

Vacation (and free booze) nearly over.

Lauren claims they’ve had “great conversations.”  What conversations?

Even the girls that have connections seem to be clinging to sanity.

"This is how a velociraptor eats its prey."

But of course Andi plays it cool and gets the rose.  Why?  Because she's not some amateur.  She's also this blogger's top seed and Bachelorette hopeful.  Suck it, Clare.

I like the little Nikki-Clare rivalry.  Clare is going to crash and burn at some point, but Nikki is ensuring that it happens as soon as possible.  Which is fine with me because Clare is wearing out her welcome.  While it's truly amazing how she pushed herself out of her little comfort zone in Sacramento to tour the world on ABC's dime, there's little more we need to see.  The real question is just the level of batshit.

As is typical, a long, drawn out ceremony to get rid of Danielle and Lauren.  Whoa, check that, Danielle sticks around as a chaperone/baggage handler for their Vietnam trip.  Elise, who seemed especially pissed off for a first grade teacher, is gone.  I could never keep her and Nikki straight anyways.  “Who knows what’s in store now.”  Literally anything could happen.

Eleven left, and probably six too many.  Let's check our Bachelor Big Board:

11.  Danielle - Astounding to see her still around.  Should have been a night one casualty.
10.  Cassandra - Has found the coveted Cloak of Invisibility.
9.  Renee - This is getting a little sad.
8.  Kelly - Bonus points for making fun of Clare and an being kind of an unofficial field host.
7.  Kat - Her efforts to be more than the girl with the big tits didn't really pan out.
6.  Clare - Intense therapy may improve her chances.  She's not bad to look at, she's terrible to listen to.
5.  Alli - Juan couldn't really care less.  I'm starting to come around to this.
4.  Sharleen - It's not often you get someone with genuine disdain for the guy.
3.  Nikki - I like her verve.  She's Courtney light.
2.  Chelsie - She definitely needs some seasoning, but I'm thinking long term here.
1.  Andi - *sigh*

Gone but not forgotten:  Amy L., Lacy, Victoria, Lucy

Muchos Besos

I love Episode 3 each season.  Such a wonderful convergence of adrenaline, estrogen, and angst.  It rarely disappoints.  This time around we get a pool party, so you know it’s gonna be a good times.

Of course we’re still hanging around L.A. which means we have less travel distractions and can really dissect these ladies with surgical precision.  Sometimes, though, they implode on their own, so all there is to do is analyze the goo that’s left behind, followed by a thorough disinfectant.  We’ve already toe-tagged Victoria (the Brazilian) who self-immolated with minimal encouragement, and thusly I have high expectations for the rest of these pillars of psychological fortitude.  

Though I must say that I’m beginning to be charmed by a few of these lovelies.  It’s true.  I’ve really let my guard down this season and I’m putting myself out there.  I know I’ve been hurt before, but you have to take some risks, you know?

Not high on my list is primero one-on-oner Cassandra, the ex-NBA dancer.  So I wonder: what is she doing now?  Maybe nothing.  Hell, I just assume most of those occupations are made up or randomly selected.  We do seem to have a lot of free spirits, dog lovers, and other bullshit titles this season.  I’m kind of hopeful this continues.  I could see a lot of “recurring reality show celebrity,” “experimental drug trial recipient,” “not here for the right reasons,” or “daytime Emmy winner” among others.

Back to Cassandra, the former NBA dancer (which contrasts the current NBA dancer Kat and current NHL Ice Girl and current ex-Bachelor cast member Alexis).  This reminds me to talk about Kat in a bit.  My god, we need to talk about Kat.  So, right, Cassandra.  The lanky, pointy, clefty mommy.  She’s okay I guess.  Juan seems to think she’s pretty stellar.  I guess he liked her taut behind during the salsa portion of the talent contest.  It was a nice butt, I will say that much.  I guess I’m tentatively on board, but I feel like this fish should be thrown back as soon as we’re getting some more nibbles elsewhere.  Of the single mom pool, Cassandra is probably tops, but that’s not much of an endorsement.

Their date was pretty dumb:  some kind of car-boat hybrid thing (the “Panther”) as a prelude to dinner back at Casa de Juan.  Maybe a little kid refrigerator art, a little wine, a little dancing, and who knows?  It did have a bit of a fantasy suite vibe to it, even if there was no key and implied invitation to sex it up.  They did jump hand-in-hand into the ocean from a boat, and now they’re swapping kid stories and nuzzling on a couch.  Is the finale next week or something?  I feel like we’re on an accelerated schedule, or maybe they shot the episodes out of order (my oft-raised Christopher Nolan time-shifting concept.. some day).  Like I said, though, Cassandra isn’t really going to cut it here.  This was definitely the signature episode for botched kissing, if that’s your thing.  At least there are boobs later.

"Zero to fun in just fifteen seconds."  I made that up.

Meanwhile at the mansion, Kelly (dog lover and not-hot redhead) was drinking all of the $8 Sauvignon Blanc and complaining about being ugly and insufferable.  Elsewhere in the mansion, Renee was doing her best to provide therapy to whichever blonde it was that said her mom had a long horrible bout with melanoma.  “Did she get better?”  “No, she died, babe.”  Almost as awkward as that botched kiss.  Some hugs were exchanged, though.  Renee is definitely a strong candidate for house therapist.  Victoria kind of died on her watch, but she’s making a strong rebound getting others through their own tragedies.

Let’s get that soccer exhibition out of the way.  It’s probably easier to book a stadium in the US before we start wandering around the globe again.  I got the impression that Juan felt like this was a good opportunity to showcase his eroding skills in the hopes that some scout would be watching.  There was even a “Bend it like Juan Pablo” moment.  Maybe not so much a bend as a slight curve.  At some point it seems that the LA Galaxy might have been in attendance, but I think it was probably just a bunch of the crew in Herbalife jerseys.

Not that the girls were any good at the beautiful game, but Sharleen definitely played exactly like you'd imagine an opera singer would, taking a lot of unnecessary punishment in the process. I thought about saying “balls to the face,” but felt that was a little much.  Juan did find a way to run her over like a tackling dummy.  I assume he helped her up.  I think they edited that part out, though.  (Just checked again.  He did not help her up.)

Sharleen taking one to the melon.

I do like that Juan has no concerns about group date dynamics and hurt feelings.  He’s just kind of going for it all out there.  Usually group dates are fairly boring, but these have been sensational in total volume of souls tortured and tears shed.  Nikki went in for some alone time and got no besos.  Andi, however, got muchos besos en la cocina.  I’m a big Andi fan, so nice going there, cabrón.  Even the super chaste and clinical Sharleen got in on the action, and in the most public way possible.  At first it seemed like we were going to get night one Sharleen where she gets all frumpy and weird, but instead we still got that, yet Juan was like “screw this” and went in for the kiss anyway.  At least I think that’s still considered kissing (in some countries).  As bad as it was, it still looked hot and heavy to the hens sitting 100 yards away who couldn’t stop obsessing about it.

“This is my life.”  

Yeah, not a bad gig you got there.

Just to mix things up, Nikki got the rose for playing hard to get.  Better yet, it thoroughly messed with the fragile psyches of the girls that he did kiss.  Pretty shrewd move if you ask me.

I have to say that the second half of this episode really shone.  In no uncertain order:  bikini pool party(!), Elise’s struggle with maturity (and math), and some girl named “Chelsie” emerging as a legit option.

As Chelsie rides off in the Tesla jamming Venezuelan music (I think this), Elise (the first grade teacher and veteran of an 8 year relationship) kind of loses her mind over it.  And really, no one is quite sure why.  The sequence went something like this:

“I’m not worried.  She’s a little girl.  He’ll figure that out.  I’m fine.  I'm good.  It's all good.”

“She’s not ready to be a mom.  She’s the furthest thing from a mom.  It’s she going to be Camila’s step mom?  There’s no way that will ever happen.”

“She’s definitely going home.  There’s no way she can stick around.  She’s a baby.  Whenever I look at her all I see is a baby.”

“Do you know how old she is?”  “I think she’s 25 or maybe 26?  How old are you?”  “27.”

And we can safely infer there was a good hour of additional footage we didn’t see.  Of course the real answer is that Chelsie is “only” 24, so maybe Elise was onto something here.  We haven’t had that exciting of a maturity conversation since Doug and Chris engaged in the world’s worst verbal slap fight over who was a better potential husband for Emily.    I have no idea why Elise was so threatened by this one girl getting a date, but then I suppose there’s only room for one blonde teacher on the show.  I’ll take the science teacher over the glorified babysitter every time.

Elise will at least be comforted to know that Chelsie had a terrible time on her date, except that the opposite of that happened.  I’ll admit that, unlike in Elise’s world, Chelsie was nowhere on my radar, but after seeing more of her, I’m moving her into the official Real Epic Journey Top Five (stay tuned below).

To this point I think JP has done a fairly good job of being an innocuous Bachelor and inducing the ladies to do their naturally crazy thing, but an annoying trend has emerged and I’m worried it’s going to continue.  Whenever a girl is uncomfortable or in need or reassurance, suddenly “Daddy Juan” appears and starts in with his awful baby talk (the accent surely makes it worse).  I’m sorry, but everyone can’t be your little buttercup sugar dumpling sunshine, and you can’t smooth things over like they’re three years old.  Amazingly, this seems to have worked for the most part, but this is a pretty awful long term strategy.  It was in turbo overdrive with Chelsie when she was having a near anxiety attack about the idea of jumping off a bridge.  Of course it didn’t help that they just stood there on a ledge discussing the jump for 10 minutes while staring down at uncertain death, but that’s another matter.  Suddenly Juan turns into this smothering cuddle monster:  “Look at me.  I’m here for you.  We can do this together.”  This went on and on.  I’m all for reassurance, but that was pushing its reasonable limits.  It was uncomfortable.  I thought he was going to squeeze her to death.

"If the cord snaps, not saying it will, just let your body go limp.  Okay?"

Oh well, it’s still early.   He does seem to have a desperate need for all women to be in love with him at all times.  “How are you?”  “I’m alright.”  “Just alright?”  He even broke down Sharleen’s well-honed defenses with his baby talk nonsense.  Eventually he’ll get some resistance on that, and it could turn ugly, especially if he keeps insisting they stare into his beady little eyes that don’t quite look in the same direction.  Just saying, there’s some risk there.

If you’re keeping tally, that’s the first extreme outdoor adventure and the first use of a GoPro this season.  Unfortunately it’s the second private concert by a mildly successful musician, but the first with a recent arrest record.  Terroristic threats and abuse of an elderly person? Terrific.  Does he steal free shoes from orphans too?

But none of this really matters, because we have a pool party to get to, and I think I speak for everyone when I say “I love you, Kat.”  I think Juan Pablo agreed since he found a clever way to position his head millimeters from her, uh, kitty.  But the real stars of the show were those prodigious mams that bounced with so much purpose and, um, inertia.  It’s amazing how an also-ran can suddenly appear out of nowhere.  All it took was a green bikini and a favorable interaction with gravity.  Well, maybe she's a one week superstar, but it was a hell of a reveal.  Let’s keep our eyes on those things and see what emerges.  I forget which of these jealous bitches called poor Kat a “whore,” but really she’s only a whore because it’s not you.  Well, medical sales reps are technically whores too.  Valid point.  Still, the whore did score a nice deep tissue massage.

Yep.

Of course all of this sudden Kat attention (honestly, they were all impressed) caused immediately hurt feelings and self-doubt.  Clare took things especially hard and hid behind a large wooden door for some reason.  This had shades of Victoria sobbing in a restroom stall, but maybe not quite that crazy.  Afterall, these two had a real connection in the shimmery snows of L.A. mere days ago.  And to think:  no call?  No text?  Not even a Facebook like or a simple retweet?  I’m with Clare on this.  How dare you, sir.  Fortunately, Juan can melt the tension with some smooth baby talk, and it’s like these two never left those snow covered dirt hills of SoCal.  I still like Clare, but let’s get it together, girlfriend.

Are Sean and Catherine really getting married?  Sean strikes me as a guy that would get married just to spite the haters.  That’s my theory.  This all seems strange and wrong.

So after all of this psychological trauma (including that Bachelor Wedding promo), we only lose two this round:  Lucy (who was, well, pretty boring and a little loopy) and someone named Christy (who took her lack of cumulative camera time especially hard).

Down to a much more manageable Lucky 13, here is the official Big Board™ from worst to first:

13. Kelly – Being a red head should buy her something, but it didn't.  I would trade her for virtually any of the previous cast-offs or even a second dog.

12. Elise – All we really know about her is that she sure whines a lot.  Maybe she should get a job interacting with adults and revisit this in five years.

11. Danielle – Allegedly a psychiatric nurse.  Could come in handy, but Renee seems to have this angle covered.

10. Lauren – I’m willing to bet you don’t know who this is.

9. Nikki – Preferred type of dancing:  “Is drunk dancing a type?”  Of course.

8. Cassandra – Meh.  (Nice tush.)

7. Renee – Very motherly and very, very plain.  Probably has her act most together of this crew, but then this is a reality show and not reality.

6. Clare – Rapidly crumbling under the pressure.  There’s still hope.  I think.  (Probably not.)

5. Alli – Hasn’t really done anything to earn this spot other than look good.

4. Kat – Big mover of the week.  Unsustainable, but let's see where this goes.

3. Sharleen – A terrible fit, but the most intriguing personality of the lot.  Should be awesome to hear her belt out an aria.

2. Chelsie – Anyone that can inspire an hour long tirade about how immature they are has the goods.

1. Andi – I don’t see much that would change my mind.  Again, I hope she “loses” at just the right spot so we can see more of her later.

Juan Pablo: Licensed Psychologist

Juan's got his fancy car gassed up and ready to go.  Check that, it's a Telsa.  Okay, so he's got his 800 pound battery packs all charged up and ready to go.  He's been planning this date all day.  Clare, I hope you're ready, baby.

But wait, Lucy's boobs are showing.  Clare who?

Horrible editing.

Oh right, Clare.  Hairdresser or somesuch.  She's open to being open about the possibilities of there being a potential of something there.  I think that's code for being in love.

It's already evident that Juan Pablo is pretty good at this El Bachelor thing.  He has the women openly thankful for the opportunity of seeing him off on a date with another chick.  I'm already impressed.  Of course it's a bit early for there to be rampant jealousy, but he's laying the groundwork.  So far so good.

Looks like Clare is hooked.  These dates are getting pretty absurd already.  A sledding and skating excursion in LA rips this out of the realm of reality pretty fast.  For his part, Juan privately foresees a stepmom in his daughter's future.  I hope for his sake he's just playing along.

I don't have a good read on Clare.  Seems lovely enough.  Well, aside from the big ol' grin talking about her dead dad.  That was strange.  There's not a great history of dead dad talk on this show, so I'm already nervous.  She does look a helluva lot like Kristen Bell.  We could be doing worse, I suppose.  That Kristen Bell thing works for me, so we'll put Clare squarely in the top half for now.

If it's one thing to know about me, know this:  I hate the private concert date.  And goddammit, it's already showing up in the first one-on-one.  Worse, I never know who these idiots are.  Josh Krajcik?  No clue.  Looks more like Jack Black after a trip to J. Crew.  Or a slimmer Hurley from Lost.  I'm being told he was the runner up on the first season of the X Factor.  Well that is something now, isn't it?

If we do have to endure private serenades from C-list recording artists doing their best John Mayer impression, I at least want some awkwardness.  Couldn't these two have had bad chemistry or something?  This is much too sweet and endearing.

Next we get Kat the medical sales rep who looks a lot closer to 39 than 29.  It's a world class dimple, though.  It didn't take long to get a private jet date worked in.  Remember the date Emily Maynard had with whatshisface at the The Greenbrier in West Virginia?  Of course you don't.  Pretty short story shorter, the guy was a human sedative and was asked to kindly step away from the unfinished prime rib.  Point is, sometimes it doesn't matter how elaborate the date is.  If you suck, you're toast.  I'm not saying Kat sucks, but you never know.

So as they're lifting off, Kat ponders their destination.  The great beaches of Miami?  Maybe the bustle and night life New York?  You know, when she really thinks about it, she could get used to flying all over the world with her 32 year old retired soccer pro.  Well, "pro" in the loose sense that he was paid to play, but not "pro" in the sense that he was any good.  I mean, retiring because you had a baby?  Who does that?  In the history of organized sports, what male athlete has ever retired because he had offspring?  How about retired because you weren't talented enough for a lower tier soccer league.  Regardless, there won't be much jetsetting on that soccer pension, so don't get your hopes up, Kat.

And what's better than Miami or NYC.  Give up?  I'll tell you:  Salt Lake City, baby.  Mormons!  Mountains!  Michelle Money!  Jef Holm!  That asshole Bentley!  The list goes on and on.  There is some seriously fucked up fascination with SLC.  No idea why they are so completely obsessed with a nothing town like this in the middle of nowhere, but I'll be damned if we don't find some new excuse to work it into the show somehow.

And where better than SLC to host the world's only ecstacy-fueled fun run.  I think by definition teetotalism excludes MDMA.  Pretty sure this is exactly how Brigham Young envisioned things when he founded this religious oasis.  It's also another example of the producers elbowing their way into large public events and forcing the audience to deal with their stupid dates.  Of course in their drug addled state no one probably noticed or cared, but if I'm paying to go to some concert -- even if it's Skrillex or some other stupid dubstep bullshit -- I don't really want to be subjected very special guests Juan Pablo and Kat having their own dance-off for 20 minutes.  I hope everyone was properly compensated for having to endure that.

Group dates are usually just a cacophony of estrogen.  Things like this usually happen:

Unidentified also-ran contestant extending her tongue in admiration of our Bachelor

Some ample opportunity for anxiety, infighting, and maybe a little light hair-pulling.  You never really know.  I do appreciate how the producers continually set these women up by suggesting something that caters to their narcissism like "sexy photo shoot!" only to pull out the rug with "but you have to dress up like fire hydrants and get pooped on!"  It's one of the few details they consistently get right.  Models n Mutts.  "Are you ready to go meet the models?"  Didn't seem subtle enough, but I laughed.

Best part of the photo shoot was definitely the emergence of Andi.  Sure I'd be a little nervous about the prospects of dating a federal prosecutor, but even with Lucy gallivanting around like Lady Godiva, this blogger is smitten with this instead:

You had me at "I'd love to pose naked with you."

I have no idea how this whole deal turns out (no spoilers here, friends), and maybe it's the three buck Chuck talking, but I'm having a hard time remembering a better prospect.  I think that makes me the official #1 Fan of Andi Dorfman.  I hope she loses so she can be on TV a lot next season as The Bachelorette.  Let's set it up already.  Trust me, I know what I'm talking about here.

So far, the ladies have been getting along swimmingly, almost like they're attending a sorority reunion, and it's kind of pissing me off.  "Can I cut in?"  "Sure!"  What the hell is that?  I was thinking the biggest misstep of the evening session was going to be former NBA dancer Cassandra dropping the huge bombshell that she had a son talked to her mom 10 times a day.  Fortunately, we were treated to Victoria's tenuous grasp with sobriety.  

I'm certain Juan Pablo didn't think he'd be called in to talk Victoria off the ledge, but they were clearly getting desperate.  For some odd reason, hairy super producer Elan Gale, all mic'ed up like he was on a covert narco raid, couldn't get through to her.  It was time to call in the big guns.  "[taps on door] Can you talk to me?"  "No.  NO."  "Okay, I'll wait for you outside."  

As with every past run-in with armchair diagnosable psychosis, the entire incident was brushed aside as if it was merely the product of the intense pressure of competition.  Hell, Juan Pablo himself admits he nearly lost his mind competing with Chris, Drew and Brooks for Desiree's heart.  Eerily similar, no?

I'm a little troubled, not so much that Victoria has a severe mental condition that requires heavy sedation and electroshock therapy, but rather that she performed so ably as to be dismissed in episode 2.  I had some high hopes for this Brazilian (and most Brazilians, really).  Sometimes casting a human trainwreck works sublimely, other times it resembles hot oil midget wrestling.  Nevertheless, in Victoria's honor, let's all pour out "not even one glass of champagne."  (sniff)

RIP "The Straddler"

We really shouldn't be losing this much hotness so early.  Maybe they need to have chaperones to keep the top talent around longer.  I don't know if that makes practical sense, I'm just thinking out loud here.

In that same vein, we lost another soldier on that hill tonight, and I'd just like to acknowledge her briefly in this space.  It was a desperately short run, but as Lao Tzu wrote (in Tao Te Ching) "the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long."  Or maybe a tenth as long.  Whatever the case, goodnight sweet former WCTV Fox 49 field reporter Amy Long.

"This is Amy Long live here at the Bachelor Mansion sitting here with the last shred of my fleeting dignity."

She was cute, she was effervescent, she reeked of immaturity, but to quote Nancy Kerrigan almost exactly 20 years ago today:  "Why?!?"  At least we still have her tasteful Model Mayhem shoots.  9/13/13:  Never forget.

I'm starting to enjoy the "Ice Queen" Sharleen's shtick of playing hard to get, and of having country singer name in an opera singer's body.  Seems like she's a lot of work, but you can tell Juan finds her to be intriguing, maybe because they're polar opposites.  Could be this season's Jef, but hopefully with less plagiarism.

"Ladies, Juan Pablo, this is where we eliminate the show's only black chick.  Also, there's an all new Killer Women tomorrow at 10/9 central.  
When you're ready."

Next week we'll unveil the official rankings.  Still too many who-the-hell-is-thats around.

Until next time, keep your champagne chilled and boobs properly exposed.