The Arie and Emily Kiss-a-thon

I know it's a common, maybe tired, rant, but I'm going to start off here:  why, pray tell, do we need to have Chris Harrison associated with this show in any capacity?  How does he add anything to it?  His lines have been recycled for at least 10 seasons, and there's absolutely no way to prove he's even showing up anymore given that we can now project a convincing holographic Tupac.  Harrison could disappear, never make another appearance, and probably 85% of the viewing audience wouldn't even say boo.  Seriously, if any of you has a compelling argument for this guy keeping his job, please let me know so I can be astounded by your tortured logic.  I either need to be enlightened or have a good laugh at your expense.  

Moving on..

Usually we learn a lot in week 3, and this time around is no exception.  In fact, I'm betting the house, farm land, pension, family pet, and Franklin Mint pewter chess set on Arie.  There's just no mystery anymore.  Unless this guy complete screws up, a la J.R. Hildebrand, he'll be Mr. Emily Maynard.  Of course there will have to be some speed bumps along the way, real or imagined, but I don't see how anyone can win this other than him.

With that bit out of way, let's have fun with the also-rans, shall we?

Chris is one of about five guys that doesn't induce instant vomiting (from us or Emily), and he also looks the most like Brad Womack, so perhaps it makes sense why Emily keeps gushing about his alleged good looks.  We also get to see these two in action as they scale the wall of the Mint Museum of Art (which used to be an actual branch of the United States Mint prior to the Civil War, er, War of Northern Aggression -- I forgot we're in the South this season).  And you thought they'd ditch the physical challenge portion this season.  Shame on you.

I'm buying that Chris is in the top three or so, but he's kind of suffering from being a bit too nice, in fact, just about as much too nice as Ryan is being too aggressive.  It seems like some of these guys are deathly afraid of kissing Emily as if she's this ephemeral virgin goddess that will vaporize before their eyes if their intentions are not deemed true and worthy.

"I hope that opportunity will present itself."

Yah, okay, news flash:  it's presenting itself right now.  There's even thunder in the background.  Just kiss her already.  My god.  A high five?  I felt less uncomfortable when Alessandro used "compromise" fifteen times when discussing kids.  I'm sure Sean felt less uncomfortable when Emily's sex-starved friend Wendy nearly raped him in broad daylight.


Apparently age is an issue with Emily wherein the applicants need to be 30+ or at least have a demonstrated proficiency in raising children.  When she re-learned that Chris was 25, her expression was one of "dear Lord, what have I done?"  Sheesh, relax.  You're all of 26.  Yes, I know Brad was basically 40, and perhaps there are some daddy issues going on there, but come on.  Maybe once he divulges his net worth she'll lighten up a bit.  I'd say the 24 year-old Alejandro is really screwed.


I admit that I know less than nothing about current country music, but this is the second week we get a private concert with awkward dancing, and we haven't even gotten to Dollywood yet.  I can feel the fatigue of this meme setting in.  First indication is dry mouth and a slight burning sensation.  Chris did the honorable thing and said he couldn't ask for better than Luke Bryan, but my suspicions are that: 1) he could, and 2) this is the first this Chicago-based Corporate Sales Director has ever heard of Luke Bryan.  Not exactly Bankie Banx obscure, but close enough.

Two of the most uncomfortable things these guys could go through would be to be grilled by Emily's friends and have to look interested in playing with kids, and fortunately we got both in one episode.  First, they had to get past the friend gauntlet featuring a Pippa Middleton stunt double, the horny old blonde, "Ashley," and some random Indian woman. 

Pippa looking skeptical of this dodgy bloke (arse not shown).

Some highlights, well, maybe just 'lights:

• Tony talking non-stop about his son
• Jef being told to act like he gives a shit
• Doug talking non-stop about how other guys don't have sons
• Ryan's "confidence" as his best attribute for being Mr. Mom
  
• Charlie looking like that head injury is still a nagging problem
• Eggman Travis bringing along his egg.  Man..
• "Wolf" referring to his female friends as "girlfriends."  Oh no he di'int.
• "Jersey" demonstrating "pop and lock," or the robot, or some hybrid thereof
• Sean seducing Wendy (?) with the raw power of his preferred Aryan DNA
• No one talking to Michael, because he's actually an M. Night Shyamalan plot device

I had suspected that Sean was about to make a passing move on the straightaway, and here it is.  He'd been essentially a non-factor until now, and I think this is the producers' way of saying that he's going to be around for a while.  And if things don't work out with Emily, there's at least one homely middle-aged woman that can't get enough of him.  That is, if he doesn't press charges first.  Good grief, woman.

I have a feeling this will be entered into evidence at some point.

I think we all knew that Ryan would step in it sooner than later, and sure enough, there he is telling Emily that she'd better keep up her waifish appearance or he might not love "on her" as much (ew).  Whoops.  Five demerits and loss of down.  I think we can safely scratch Ryan off the short list.  However, this might be the transition of Ryan the Faux Gentleman to Ryan the Paid Agitator.  Sounds good to me.  Let's rock.


I'll bet many of you missed this:

Left:  Lurid man-on-man action.  Right:  Something a bit more heterosexual.

Yes, that's our resident Data Destruction Expert Wolfman rubbing all over Ryan on their way to dinner.  Meanwhile, Sean is actually escorting the lone female in the group.  I think you can do the math here.


Sean is having a hell of a week here, but this line about how he's been studying how to be an amazing dad from his father for 28 years is wearing pretty thin.  Yes, I'm sure you were taking notes on this throughout your childhood and in anticipation of this moment trying to woo a single mom.  I guess if that's the only card you can play, it's.. something.

Emily called Doug out on only talking about being super dad and got hit with a tsunami of deadbeat mom, dead epileptic dad, and foster homes.  That's right, cry, honey, cuz Doug isn't playing around.  You have a dead fiance?  Yeah, that's nice.  Doug has three dead fiances, and all of their parents were killed in tragic kitchen accidents making apple pies for childhood cancer fundraisers.  Don't even go there, Emily.  


Doug has been difficult for me to figure out.  There are times when I'm thinking he's a shoo-in for the top three, and other times when he's just a flat bore.  You can't call this guy's backstory boring by any stretch.  I think that will guarantee him the "good guy" free pass to the final four or so, but after that, Emily will have to figure out if she's ready to lump Doug's prodigious baggage in with her own.  My guess is that, for as much as Emily wants all of these guys to take on her kid as theirs, that she's not ready to take on some other guy's kid as her own.  Yes, that's massively hypocritical, but I'm nearly certain that's how she's thinking.  It remains to be seen just how much of a benevolent crusader for peace and justice Doug is, but as of right now he's in pretty good shape.


The same, obviously, can't be said of the champion rope-swinger/lumber expert Tony who looked about as mentally tough as his five year old back home in Beaverton.  I really don't want to pick on a guy who misses his kid, because lord knows I can relate, but I do find it interesting that these people put themselves in this position and then are blindsided when they discover that maybe it wasn't a good idea.  My wife brought up a good point about Tony:  his son doesn't have the same support system in place since his wife ran off with the pool guy or whatever, so he probably feels twice as responsible as the usual father.  Nonetheless, he should have had an inkling that he wasn't going to make it through this.  Unfortunately, this didn't make for compelling TV.  If I could have fast forwarded the live feed, I would have.  And let's be honest.  This is just one less guy for Jef to have to pretend to compete with.


If Arie is going to win, he needs a killer one-on-one date, and sure enough he gets one.. in Dollywood.  I've never been there, but it really is like the South's idea of Disneyland.  And no, Florida isn't the South.  Stupid Yankee.


In a vacuum, I don't think I'd pick Arie to be the winner of a contest for Emily's affections.  He looks sort of unremarkable and acts a little dorky, but he seems very comfortable in his own skin and has nary a whiff of pretension about him.  Seeing Emily around this guy, you'd think he was conjuring up magic or something.  She acts like a little kid and has no defenses up.  You almost have to see it to believe it.  Even Brad had to whittle away at Emily for 10 weeks to get much of a reaction.  Arie pretty much clinched this in week 3 and will be doing victory laps for the last 7.


Even though Arie isn't the least bit country (hell, he barely even qualifies as Dutch), this whole Dollywood date turns out pretty well for him.  He gets to take Emily on a roller coaster (complete with Wilhelm scream, which we've seen before), win li'l Ricki a cutesy stuffed animal, and meet an eerily lifelike audio animatronic mockup of Dolly Parton.  Sorry, I'm being told that was actually Dolly Parton.


I think few doubted that Dolly is Emily's real life hero, and perhaps even fewer actually believe that Dolly has been faithful to her husband Carl for 45 years (46 on May 30th).  In fact, some even doubt this dude exists at all.  It's difficult to even find a picture of him.  I can't think of a better role model for a fake show about love than Dolly Parton who has a fake marriage to a fake man that she allegedly met at 18.


Switching off the cynicism for a few seconds (bear with me), Arie had all the right answers even when Emily tried to play it tough with him.  Kids?  Heck, he dated a girl with two of them, up until last year.  Oh, and get this:  he missed the kids more than her.  Pfft, some test.  When does this get difficult?

Emily:  "Where did you come from?"
Arie:  "'s-Hertogenbosch, Netherlands."
Emily:  "Ah."

This was over once she compared him to the dead guy.  They could have just cued up Don't Stop Believin', cut to black during that carousel ride, and called it a series.  Sure, that would have left a lot of devoted fans, me included, confused and empty, but not everyone can appreciate a David Chase ending.  Sorry, but this viewer needs to know what happens to Ryan.  And one-F Jef.  And Meadow.  But not really fat A.J.  Or "Nate," for that matter.

I've watched this Kalon disaster three times now and the only thing I can come up with is that he's there just to fuck with people.  There's no chance he does something like that with the intention of winning anything.  First, the guy sits down with his back to Emily, then he starts shooting his mouth off with heaping sarcasm about "having the week off" and Emily "graciously allowing Tony to go home."  "I wish you would let me finish" was just icing on a very stale cake.  Believe me, I love great shtick, but this was like a kamikaze mission to nowhere.  If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Kalon was either suffering a stroke or on heavy medication.  Not everyone can carry off the plant role well, but Kalon might be the worst plant in recent memory.  There's just no theme or continuity here.  He's just a chaotic mess.  Reminds me a bit of Blakeley, but I'm pretty sure she was trying, bless her heart.

Not to be outdone, Alessandro proves that he can do even worse than the guy paid to be terrible at this game.  I know what you're thinking:  a guy wearing a thumb ring can't win on this show, and you're right.  RIP Alessandro "Gypsy King" Goulart.  Thank god I don't have to type another word about you ever.

In the aftermath of these two idiots you have Arie playing it cool and looking a whole lot like the current boyfriend, and Sean laying it on plenty thick with promises of sweet texts and his now patented "28 years of father understudy" line.  Good enough for second place which is saying something because this guy was barely on the radar until now.

I don't think anyone was surprised by MC Stevie going home, but it's really difficult to figure out what's keeping Michael or "Nate" there.  I think "Nate" had a few lines after they chucked the egg, but Michael has been totally mute for a long time now.  It's not like Jef is gunning for Mr. Loquacious.  His line next week is just fantastic:

"It feels like something we share together is really valuable to her."

Jef is truly a fascinating case study in complete indifference.  I'm almost hoping he wins.

It seems like Ryan could be melting down over Arie lapping the field, but we'll see how much of that is just dumb ass bluster.  Wrasslin' "Rated-R" Rego turned out to be a pussy cat in the end.  I'd like to think this arena leaguer has more gas in the tank.

Revised rankings:

1. Arie
2. Sean
3. Doug
4. Chris
5. Jef
6. Ryan
7. Charlie
8. Travis
9. The Field

Wocka, wocka!

Boy, that Kelly Clarkson is still so unapologetically chubby.  Still gets work, though.  Is anyone really going to watch this Duets show?

Anyway..

Sophomore episode of the new "Maynardized" Bachelorette, now with half the adventure, but twice the usual douchiness.  There's always that initial shock from the average viewer where they can't believe they're watching this show.  "What dreck!" they'll exclaim.  "This is boring.  I can't watch this."  Then they dutifully tune in the following week.  It's kind of the same song and dance people play with SNL, though mostly to see Ke$ha vomit on herself or Lindsay Lohan perform drunk.

Yes, even seasoned veterans like myself go through these 12 stages of Bachelorette self-loathing (although I've built up a tolerance) but then we remember how much better we feel about ourselves after watching, and everything that was once askew suddenly seems right again.  Look, we made it through a dozen episodes of Ashley freaking Hebert.  We sure as hell can get through this with Miss Emily at the helm.


First date honors go to Ryan Bowers who, as I noted, played football in Europe as well as the Arena League.  Bowers was a standout defensive back at Presbyterian College, home of the Fighting PC Blue Hose, whatever that is (I'm told it's socks) and whose most notable athletic alumnus is probably Allen Morris, a Wimbledon quarterfinalist in 1956.  True story, my guidance counselor in high school, Jeanne Arth, was a Wimbledon doubles champion, so really, this kind of puts things into perspective.

Bowers preens for his big day.  Raging hard nips redacted.

Personally, I like anything that breaks the mold on this show, so this "Snack Mom" bit was a welcome change.  Why not have the buff DB whip up some cookies in the kitchen while donning an apron?  Inspired, I think.  While we all know Ryan was wincing inside, he actually held it together pretty well throughout this challenge, and that's to be commended.  Sure there were a few slip ups, but for the most part he got through it in one piece.  The goofy grin reminds me of Stiffler from the American Pie franchise, so I kept imagining Seann William Scott trying to hold it together while drinking Juicy Juice in the grocery getter.  "You put it in Park, right?"


I think we need to question Emily's bona fides as supermom warrior princess, though.  Stirring cookie batter with a wire whisk?  Who does that?  People who don't cook.  Yeah, that's right.. get all those sticky bits out with a spatula, just like they do it on Food Network.  Let's not even ask who paid for the Maynard homestead, although we're all wondering it.  I think that might be pulling back the curtain a little too soon.  I just hope the eventual winner is ready to sign one hell of a prenup with the Hendrick family lawyer.

Just so it's clear this is Season 8 and not 7 of the Bachelorette, here is the best visual distinction I can provide:

Pictured:  Not Ashley Hebert sultrily rubbing up against an Aston Martin.

I don't really care if she's got the vocabulary of a fifth grader or incessantly licks her veneers.  At least we don't have to hear about continuing dental education credits.


I distinctly remember Emily referring to Charlotte as a "small town," and you'd think someone from West Virginia would have their small town meter properly calibrated, but a city with a metropolitan population of nearly two million people and two major sport franchises doesn't strike me as being small by any stretch.  Then again, the Tokyo viewers were probably like "I know, right?" but in Japanese.


Bless her little heart, Emily seems to be under the impression that the Bachelorette isn't a "competition," but rather a legitimate attempt to find her a husband that she so richly deserves.  Yes, somehow in the ten year history of this franchise, suddenly in iteration number 24 all of the rules have changed and now we're looking at how to best find a couple that can be happy together.  It must be exhausting to justify this kind of crazy dichotomy to yourself where on the one hand your a hyper-protective mother hen, but on the other, you're a fame-starved attention whore.  Lest anyone misunderstand Emily to be uncommonly virtuous and above reproach, I think that facade has already ended up on the floor in a million tiny pieces, which is an order of magnitude fewer than the dust that was once Joe's ego; we'll get to that.


Ryan's answers to Emily's "grilling" weren't all that impressive, or really any better than what Joe meekly threw out there.  I think the difference was that Emily is much more attracted to Ryan, and that she got a whiff of some actual testosterone.  I guess telling Emily that you'd move anywhere and do anything to be with her wasn't the most alpha male response.


Usually we have to wait a good six episodes or so before the concert date with the band that I've never heard of, but the producers are going all out and reshuffling the deck this season, so we get this clichéd little nugget in week two.  I'm obviously no country fan, so I just assume every country act with a guy and girl singer is Lady Antebellum until proven otherwise.  I think Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines killed real country anyway sometime in the early 90s.  This wasn't country, it was at best folksy pop.  At least we had a good bit of irony with (Kissed You) Good Night and no real kiss.  Terrible.


Like it or not, we now move on to the Muppet portion of this show, and for me this had to be one of the more out-of-left-field moments I've seen in a while.  Don't get me wrong, I actually like the Muppets and think their shtick is still pretty funny (more Waldorf, less Harrison, please).  I guess it jibes with the kid-friendly theme, but in the age of carefully orchestrated cross-promotion, I don't really see what the hook is here, and believe me, there's always a hook.  The Muppets film from 2011 was released on DVD in March of this year, so maybe we're all supposed to head on over to Amazon to pick it up?


Maybe it wasn't the most entertaining segment, but we did learn a few things:


1. We need way less of this:

2. Emily can't dance worth a lick.  She can't even sway correctly.
3. Nothing ever good comes from guys trying out their own comedy.
4. A charity event featuring The Muppets only brings in about $40 a head.

Before we get to the self-destruction of Joe, I think we need to examine Emily's curious fascination with one-F Jef.  Ever since he rode in on a skateboard, Jef has made exactly zero impression in front of the camera, but somehow Emily can't seem to stop obsessing about this guy.  If someone asks you if you speak English, that might be a sign you're not stepping it up.  

Now, of all the guys cast on the show, Jef probably had the most to gain from his increased visibility since he has something to sell in People Water.  Sure, there's a philanthropic angle since water purchased results in an equal amount of water donated, but he might as well call it Jef Water since he's running the show as CEO.  It is curious that this 15 year old hasn't put in much effort to sticking around, and for whatever reason Emily has found this kid to be a puzzle that she desperately wants to solve.  Usually I'd speculate that there must be more going on that we haven't seen, but it might actually be less.  The guy looked completely checked out when Emily gave him the group date rose.

Emily:  "Will you accept this rose?"
Jef:  "I guess."

There are too many other options for her to keep this up, but I do find the whole thing interesting.  Let's hope Jef stays with the aloof thing.  I want to see how far it gets him.


Now back to Joe, or rather James Van der Beek.  I think it was all over for Dawson when he went with the pink and blue plaid number and stepped out of the limo.  Say, around this mark:

Way to dress up, guy.  Emily decides to take you on a trip to the Greenbrier resort in West Virginia, which amounts to a swanky hometown date of sorts, and you go with the finest flannel you could find at the consignment shop.  Talk about an uphill climb.  Oh, but it got worse.


I think we gained a bit of insight about Emily's upbringing here. The Greenbrier isn't like staying at a Days Inn.  26 presidents have stayed there.  Tom Watson is the emeritus golf pro (a position formery held by Sam Snead).  There was an intricate underground bunker built there that was meant to house Congress during an emergency.  And then we learn Emily "hung out" here a lot as a kid.  Well la-tee-da, Miss Thang.  I think I'm starting to understand why she cut loose the biology teacher.


Some other stuff happened, namely this:

It's not that Joe is a bad guy or anything, but it's like he didn't give this any thought.  Emily is sort of treating this like a future daddy job interview, and Joe gave the most ham-handed, vanilla responses he could think up.  If you're going to rock the pink plaid, you'd better have something that can back it up.  The gist of his five year plan amounted to "having no regrets" and perhaps being married, or maybe not, depending on how the wind blows.  I'm sure he made a number of other unforced errors during dinner, but I think we got a good sense of how out of touch Joe was even post-editing.


This was the first real dismissal, and Emily looked like she just ran over a raft of baby ducklings.  She even pulled out her own variation of the ol' "it's not you it's me." If this is how she's going to respond to paring down the field, I wonder how she's going to get through this.  Don't worry, Em, Dawson will find other work.  There are plenty of TV movies out there that need a non-threatening, mildly talented, semi-lead actor.


Gotta, be honest:  loved the fireworks after sending the guy packing.  It had that special twist-the-knife feel that I think we can all appreciate.


My favorite moment in the show had to be Ryan's seven page note.  I still can't figure out if this was something hatched by the producers to goof on all of the interruptions, but whatever it was, it had me rolling.

"Are you excited?  It's like Christmas.  Tony has to sit here and listen to you read this."

Seems almost too perfect.  Plus, you had a number of guys watching this whole thing like it was a pay per view event.  They had to be tipped off this was coming, right?  The best part was that Emily read the whole damn thing out loud, for 15 minutes, and Tony just stood there.  I can't describe how awesome that was.  If that was all hatched by Ryan alone, then kudos, sir.  I am in awe.


Kyle and Aaron were sent home, probably because they looked too much alike.  Aaron seemed more with it than over half of the guys that remain, so that was a bit of a head-scratcher.  I think the Party MC has a three episode contract, but what about this guy Nate?  Here, I did a frame grab of him so I can prove he exists:

"Nate"

Nice energy.


So, we're down to a manageable 16 dudes, which means it's time for tiered rankings with commentary.  Here goes:


Speed boating:


1.  Arie - Still my favorite to win, easily. Did nothing to upset that prediction this week.  Made a deft move telling Emily about his ex-girlfriend who had two kids.  I don't think Emily is looking for a guy with kids, but one that is okay with it.  Arie is also sufficiently famous and well off to support that Greenbrier lifestyle.


2. Chris - Seems like a genuine guy and has a slight resemblance to Brad Womack without being as dickish.  "Corporate Sales Director" also sounds like money to me. 


Jet skiing:

3. Ryan - I honestly don't think he has a lot of long term potential as he seems to be playing a role more than being genuine, but he's done everything right so far, and that's worth something.  Ryan also scored some good ol' boy points.


Swimming with the current:


4. Charlie - Recovering from a major injury will curry some Florence Nightingale favor.  Has avoided the "look-at-me" tendencies without being invisible.


5. Doug - First impression rose winner played the single dad angle pretty well, but seems to be playing that card a little too often.  In fact, it's about the only thing we know about the guy.


Treading water:


6. Jef - Doing everything in his power to not advance, yet is cruising along.  I think next week we see some push back. 

7. Sean - This guy gets a lot of commentary in, but rarely says anything among the group.  Not sure how that works or what it means just yet.  On the verge of being invisible if the production staff wasn't so intent on getting him air time.

8. John - Not sure how seriously I can take "Wolf" or that I know what "Data Destruction Specialist" means.


9. Alessandro - Still creepy.


10. Alejandro - I really need to know more about this mushroom farming.  Then we can cut him loose.


Swimming against the current:


11. Tony - Victim of some awesome shtick.  I can't believe he stood there while Emily read seven pages of bad prose.  Seems a little tone deaf.  Hasn't parlayed his fatherhood into any kind of advantage.


12. Kalon - There purely to be obnoxious, but it's not really having much effect except on MC Stevie.  These two can probably go home at the same time.

Mirage:

13. Michael - The village mute.  This sort of thing baffles me.


14. "Nate" - I had no idea who he was.  Honest.


15.  Travis - Another "sales" guy who blends into the background. 


Floating corpse:


16. Stevie - C'mon.

Emily, Emily, Emileeeeeeee

Yeah, we're back.  I know: there are even more blogs, vlogs, and posts about this franchise than ever, but you know what?  All of them suck.  This one just sucks slightly less.  Worse, every former cast member has their own take on the obvious, offering nothing remotely pithy or incisive.  That's why you'll always come back home.  Pull up a chair, friend.  We have lots to discuss.

In case you're new here, or just forgot how I run things, I'm avoiding spoilers.  Now, I know that's nearly impossible these days with all of the tabloid coverage, tweets, etc. but really, what fun is there in analyzing something that is a known quantity?  There's no way I could churn out anything remotely captivating if I knew the script beforehand, so we'll just leave that odd bit of obsession to folks like Reality Steve.  You know, that guy does an awful lot of patting himself on the back for someone that is spoon fed information from others.  Why those sources wouldn't just launch their own site is beyond me.  The guy takes all the credit.  You take away the spoilers, and you're left with a sad man dictating startlingly routine observations to his web cam and yelling at his dog for 60 minutes.


So, for as long as I can avoid them, I'll be dealing with the drama as it comes and absent any insider info.  That way I can prognosticate, speculate, ruminate and be fantastically wrong, or maybe even right, but the best part is that it will be from the heart.  <3


Long-time readers will remember my fondness for Miss Emily Maynard.  Of course I'm not alone in that reverence, but she's quite the southern peach.  Yeah, there's a good bit of baggage there with the ghost of Ricky Bobby overshadowing everything, but at least it's Louis Vuitton quality.  We also have our first single mom running the point, and the first show that starts in the lead's hometown and carries the kid in tow the entire series.  Given that conservatively three fourths of these dudes are in this for personal gain, I think this twist has potential.  Li'l Ricki is also a bit older now and is probably more likely to let ol' mom know that she hates some of these guys.  Could be a nice surprise.


Emily does have her flaws.  She stupidly fell for "None of the Above" Brad Womack and stubbornly dated him for a good six months before finally acknowledging that he's a narcissistic man-child who has never had to compromise with anyone on anything.  This isn't a criticism; Womack is a Bachelor principal nonpareil.  I hope to high heaven they bring him back for a third installment.  Real-world Brad is a joke, though, and you'd think mommy Em would have been a tad more hesitant to prance around Austin like an idiot after the lights had dimmed.  For whatever reason Emily has always been framed as being pure as driven snow, but I think that image is thankfully out the window.  Like we're supposed to believe she just goes to bed at 8 after Ricki is tucked in for the night and cries herself to sleep.  She's right in the wheelhouse demographic for trashy E.L. James novels.


There's also the issue of Emily's feigned reticence to be the Bachelorette.  While I don't think anyone really bought that she was above fame-whoring, you have to at least give her credit for negotiating this thing to be filmed in her backyard and parlay a nanny-led world tour for her precious ingénue.  Just think:  it's your big internship with ABC and suddenly you're toting a five year old around London and trying to find Victorious episodes in the hotel room.  Great if you want to be an au pair, but that's not CV-worthy stuff.  I don't know what kind of coin Emily is making off this, but I hope to baby Jesus it's at least double what Ashley Hebert pulled down.


Now that we've put aside the requisite bookkeeping, let's check out the Tool Shed™:  25 of America's Most Eligible Bachelors!  I'll confess to not knowing what "most eligible" means or how you get on such a list.  The way Chris Harrison confidently states it as gospel, I say who's to argue?  One side note, however:  Harrison himself is now an eligible bachelor.  Well, I don't know if the divorce has been inked yet, but I do love the richness of that latest tidbit.  Seems to be a bit of karmic symmetry to it.  Of course we are instinctively required to wonder if ABC has the nards to cast him as the Bachelor at some point, and clearly the answer is "hell no."  Or maybe, I should just quash that concept altogether lest some young media upstart within Next Entertainment think this is a good idea.  He has all of the dynamism of a Ben Flajnik on Ambien.  For that niche 1% swath of the female population that can't get enough Harrison, I think you're in for disappointment.


Okay, yes, the gents...


First we meet Kalon, which sounds like a brand of spray paint or DuPont polymer.  This is a flat out button-pusher pick.  This kid is brash and unapologetic, but is he really all that much of a loose cannon?  Not so far.  There's always some dummy that loses his shit over a guy like this, so that's fun to watch.  Still scratching my head about "Luxury Brand Consultant."  Does that mean he helps to dress celebrities?  Is he a personal shopper?  He claims to have turned off the obnoxiousness, but people like that can't shut it off completely, especially not in a TV frat house.  I think he realized it was bad for business.  I give the tennis forehand a C+.

Ryan Bowers teaches little kids to flip tires.  There's probably not enough trainers out there pushing kids like this.  Ryan played "pro football," but in Europe, which is like being a competitive bobsledder in Saudi Arabia.


Tony is one of a few guys with the "in" of having a rug rat.  I don't know if that helps or hurts in general, but it's a good conversation starter.  He also trades stacks of lumber and whips ropes around in his spare time.  Who has two thumbs and recycles eight year old jokes on national TV?  Tony does.


Did you know there's a class action lawsuit against the Bachelor producers and ABC citing racial discrimination?  I can't imagine what they're talking about.  Meanwhile, there's one black guy on this show in eons, and with a 76% chance of advancing, he was sent packing night one.


The singer/songwriter, David, writes tunes about, get this, finding love.  Hard to imagine.  The one sample we get of his craft amounts to an homage of Woody performing "Kelly Kelly Kelly" on Cheers.  "There is going to be a chemistry there."  Can't wait.


Charlie did everything perfect until he nearly died falling from a faulty balcony.  That wasn't so perfect.  At least he has a good titanium face joke he can use as an ice breaker.


Harry Connick III, or Jef with one F, is a horrible skateboarder who sports a bad 80s era jean jacket, but seems to have some kind of anti-Womackian vibe working for him with his disarming boyish charm.  Emily called him "cool" which may fit given that he's the iconoclastic head of a charitable bottled water company, but I keep getting a Hank Scorpio vibe.  That's right, the CEO of Globex.  God, I really hope he's not gay like Ryan, the solar energy CEO that Ashley canned.  Not a good history of CEOs on this show.


Arie.  Hmm.. well, I love how they dance around (or actually plain avoid) the fact that his dad is a racing legend and the winner of two Indy 500s.  Arie Jr. isn't quite the phenom that Sr. was, but he's held his own.  This seems like gratuitous casting, but something tells me that this guy is going to hang around a while.  It's not really the racing connection per se, but to this point it seems like he might actually be the most down to earth dude they've thrown out there, and that's saying something since he's the only guy on this show with his own Wikipedia entry.


Sean is the token blonde guy.  First out of the limo has a decent track record, so he has that working for him.  The guy was kind of invisible otherwise.


Doug has a kid too.  At least he doesn't have six of them.  The letter from his son was a deft touch.  The only problem with it is that he could be pigeonholed as that guy who won't shut up about being a single dad.


Jackson was just plain weird.  Emily looked confused.  Good riddance.


Kyle had a turquoise tie.  That's all I got.  Well played?


Chris reminded me a bit of "The Brad."  Seemed to be less full of bullshit, though.  There's still time to find out if that's true or not.  Not sure where you get a custom bobblehead.  [googles]  Turns out custombobblehead.com has them.  Who knew.  They could have done a better job with that Emily bobblehead.  She looks a bit like a bobblehead in real life, so it's interesting that the doll doesn't adequately capture that.


Aaron teaches biology by day, and wears awful yet "ironic" horn-rimmed glasses by night.  I bet his favorite movie is Ghost World.


I'm fairly certain Emily thinks the native language of Brazil is Spanish since she offered up a hearty "gracias" to Alessandro.   I'm sure he would have been fine with Mandarin as being close enough.  Something creepy about this dude, I mean aside from him uncomfortably staring at her breasts.  Looks like the facial hair is fake or something.


So here we go with the shticksters:  boombox, check.  I'm sure MC Stevie knows fellow Jersey boy Pauly D.  Bonus points for becoming unglued over Kalon, but that's only good for an episode or so.  We'll have to see some real neuroses to pull for this guy long term.  Some grade A douchbaggery here.


Randy shows up as grandma and exits as the guy with the horrible green shirt, vest, and no game.


Nate does virtually nothing and get's a "so cute."  Stumper.  Ladies, help me out here.  He seems like the kind of guy that could rob a bank and no one could identify because he looks like average Joe everyman.


Brent is 41 with six kids.  Who the hell did he bribe?


Wolf?  Let's just go with John.  Thanks.


Travis is this year's victim of corny ideas from the production staff.  Remember Jeff the Mask?  How about Travis the Eggman?  Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come.  Corporation t-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday.  Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long.  I really hope they pay him per minute of egg cradling.  At least he seems to be a whole let less weird than the Phantom was during his ill-fated run.  The music might be better too.


Mike is from Austin, which of course conjures up all kinds of terrific memories for Emily, like that time when she thought about moving to Austin permanently but then broke up with Brad.  Regardless, I don't think he really needed to offer a mnemonic for her to remember the guy with the long ass hair.

Is anyone here a marine biologist?  Jean-Paul is, and now he's gone.  Au revoir, mon amie.


Well, at least there won't be any lawsuits waged on behalf of Colombians.  I'd say they've been adequately represented.  I'd like to learn more about mushroom farming, myself.

Phew, glad that's over.  Only a few outright painful intros.  I think there's a good number of these guys that I hate already or will learn to hate in due course.  Usually there's only about five dudes from this show that I can stomach.

Not certain where the drama will come from this time around.  Bentley set a high bar, but I don't sense something like that here.  Hard to say after one episode.  The previews seem to focus on someone calling li'l Ricki "baggage."  Please tell me there's more going on this season.  I did like Emily telling whoever to "get the fuck out."  That was raunchy and hot.  More, please.

Next week I'll throw together some ranked tiers with commentary.  I'm not going to bother with 19 dudes still in this.  I'd probably have a dozen of them on the bottom rung.  If you want my snap reaction of who will win, I'll go with Arie.  (Last time I said J.P. would end up with Ashley and was dead on.)  I think the racing thing is actually a slight net negative, but he seems to have his shit together.  First impression Doug gives me a stage three clinger vibe, so I don't think he'll hold up well over time.  You can tell she likes this Jef guy, even if his mother didn't love him enough to bless him with a real first name.  Charlie exudes sufficient "I won't kill you in your sleep" persona, so I'll throw in with him as a potential finalist.  The rest either give me hives or left no real impression.  Sorry, no more roses tonight.