The Pad is Back!

Thankfully, we're done with Ashley and can focus on more important things, like whether Vienna has exophthalmia, how many pounds of muscle Kasey really added in the off season, how many kilograms of collagen are in Erica's lips, and why anyone even thought to invite Melissa.  There were moments during The Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons when I'd make comments about how "real" the shows were, or ponder the extent to which things were manipulated by the production team.  Might as well throw all of that serious-ish discussion out the window.  It's all phony, it's all played up for the camera, and there will be no holding back from me.  There have been times when I've felt compassion for some of the players on these shows, but this is different.  To wit: you have a single mom, Ella, whose mother was shot to death by her step dad when she was a young girl.  She's apparently in this to win money for her son so that they can live together in a quaint little house on some non-descript country lane.  Sure thing.  If you're going to whore yourself out on a show for money, by definition you've lost the sympathy angle.  The whole concept is kind of gross.  I'm forced to take everything you say to be complete BS.  Sorry, Ella.  I'm sure you're a lovely person, that is, if I could remember who the hell you are.

The second iteration of Pad seems to be working the "nemesis" angle pretty hard.  Vienna has Jake.  Michael has Holly (sort of).  Jackie has Michelle.  Blake has gingivitis.  Ames has his battles with being a functioning human.  Overall, I think they did a decent job with the cast, but some of these people are so far in the rear view mirror that even I as an expert have a hard time remembering them.  Apparently I'm not alone either:

"Ladies and gentlemen:  The role of 'Melissa' will be played by Michelle Money."

Gia is the only person they brought back from the first Pad, and I'm already bored with her.  C'mon, you can't be on this show twice.  You definitely can't be on this show after calling that dolt Wes "the modern Shakespeare, only better!"  I'm willing to bet Gia has never even read the Cliff's Notes to Henry V.  She's terrific to look at, don't get me wrong, but the second she starts in with that strange baby talk, I start thinking about doing some laundry or vacuuming the stairs.

"Rated-R" is also losing his luster.  He left Ali's season with a clumsy whimper, and his status as a diabolical mastermind has always worked much better on paper than it has on TV.  He's done too many reality shows to be much of a wildcard anymore.  Sure he breaks hearts in Toronto, but he's better known for breaking his leg and gimping around the set.  He also got busted by Facebook, of all things.  Some mastermind.   Fortunately, he's not long for this show, and I think we're all better off as a result.

I still find it funny that ABC pitches this show as being a "quest for love" for the cast-offs from prior Bachelor(ette) seasons.  Who the hell is buying that?  Most of these people get in front of the camera and state unequivocally that they will do anything to win the money.  (I don't even want to know what that blowup doll Erica meant by that.)  The rest just haven't had the chance yet.  Actually, I take that back.  Ames is probably there to find love.

So what are we getting out of this season?  Hopefully some real drama and a lot of going off script.  The control freak puppet masters that run The Bachelor series probably think they can write drama better than these psychos can bring it on their own fueled by insomnia and alcohol, but they're wrong.  Just release them into the wild and let the magic happen.  I pray that's what they do, but we all know better.  This is going to be a weird mix of production and honest batshit.  I hope the latter wins out, but we'll see.  

I suppose they want us to get all worked up over Erica and her entitled attitude, but she's recently been on a reality show called You're Cut Off! where VH1 pretended to revoke trust funds to see how spoiled rich girls would react.  What you're getting here is a well-honed act and one not really worthy of your time.  Walking into the room, she (and her tiara) barely registered a blip on anyone's radar.  Even the crazies are tired of her already.  I know what you're thinking:  I've seen this chick before.  Here you go.

I like that aspiring Hydrolyze® spokesmodel Vienna is already crying right out of the limo.  There's a woman who is genuinely insane.  In fact, her phony permasmile should be featured in clinical psychology textbooks.  I still think it's hilarious that Jake proposed to her.  The other women where nearly apoplectic about it, and of course they were right.  I like what's brewing here.  She's of course dating dopey Kasey who has been training Dark Knight-style for a bare knuckle brawl with Jake, so hopefully that will come to fruition.

The challenges give this show a Double Dare physical challenge kind of feel, with Harrison standing in for Marc Summers.  I don't think they thought this harness thing through.  Some of the guys' legs were turning a deep shade of purple near the end.  Someone could have lost a limb back there.  I don't know if that's the kind of drama I had in mind.  It was good to see William suck at yet another challenge, but this time it was his tiny girl arms that did him in.  I really thought the wrassler was going to win this thing given that he spends most of his time in a gym, but it came down to Team Guard and Protect versus Jake and his meditation grip of death.  In reality, this was a test of sciatic nerve integrity.  Kasey gave up after he couldn't feel his legs which is probably a good time to let go.  Vienna of course blamed him for not caring enough.  I love how this is shaping up already.  She seems really reasonable and super stable.

Amesbot has inexplicably already interfaced with Jackie in what I can only imagine is an act of philanthropy on her part.  She's much too nice to tell him to go away.  As a criterion of the Turing test, Amesbot has to endure a period of time without his host to see if machines are indeed capable of feeling jealousy.  It's been a while since we've seen Jake and I forgot what a cheeseball this guy is.  He lives his life as if there's a camera following him around constantly and is a little too quick with glib lines that would make car salesmen jealous.  His date with Jackie was largely spent trying to convince her what a great guy he is and how Vienna tore out his still-beating heart.  After watching that pathetic display, it's obvious how hung up he still is, not necessarily with Vienna, but with the idea that America thinks he's a bad guy.  Well, not everyone thinks Jake's a loser.  He seems to have the pudgy third grader demographic wrapped up.  I'll admit that was sorta sweet, even if they had to explain to her who Jackie Gordon is.  Jackie is still one of my favorites and would have made a good Bachelorette over the dentist.  I'll be bitter about that for years.

So there's a rose to hand out, and if you had doubts about Jake's lack of tactical skills and common sense, there should be no mystery after he decided to give a rose to Vienna.  This was such a stupid maneuver that I'm still not positive it wasn't scripted.  Had to be, right?  No one would make that move willingly.  The show is entirely built around Jake and Vienna, so they really really want to keep them around, and this certainly helps.  Gia decided that giving the rose to Vienna was tantamount to irreversible betrayal and sobbed right on cue.  What a waste of hotness she is.  I can see why Carl Pavano dumped her.  I can't endorse him ditching Alyssa Milano, though.  That was stupid.

Jake's need to be redeemed gets squarely in the way of good TV.  No one really cares whether he's seen as a good guy, and really all that little display did was make him look like someone who is still pining over a psycho.  Nothing he does makes any sense to me.  While Jake sat back self-satisfied, Kasey and Vienna openly mocked him and retired to their room for some grainy security camera sex.  Well played, Jake.

Every reality show where people get voted off is necessarily an homage to the original Survivor where Richard Hatch introduced the world to a hairy naked gay guy on national TV, oh and the idea of forming alliances.  Honestly, nothing has significantly changed in reality show alliance technology in the 11 years since, and this is probably why I don't watch Survivor or its facsimiles like Big Brother anymore.  Seeing who can form the best alliance isn't that interesting to me.  I think there are better engines of drama.

The great thing about Kasey is how deadly serious the man is about mindless bullshit.  The word "integrity" inexplicably showed up during discussions of strategy which was some high comedy.  I haven't been counting, but I think Kasey has said "protect" about 25 times which is exactly what I was hoping for.  We're going to need this level of commitment from him.  Fifty years from now, this guy will still have that horrendous tattoo on his wrist, and he'll have to recount that story about 11 studs all fighting for the heart of a woman that couldn't have cared less about him.  With judgment like that, you know this thing with Vienna is going places.

Absolutely one cares about Alli leaving, and even having been on two ABC shows now, an equal number of people will remember her.  The only thing we learned from her is that women will cry over anything in that limo.  I think Justin was targeted because of his (undeserved) reputation of being a manipulator.  This is exactly the kind of guy you keep around because he's actually pretty easy to read.  And he never did get that swim.  Knocking off Kasey was the right move tactically speaking (trust me, Ames ran the numbers), but people got too wrapped up in Justin's image to think about things correctly.  I find this whole "Kasey the Jedi genius master" to be worth a good laugh.  It's difficult to be in awe of anyone that has to ask their girlfriend for permission to do things:

I don't know who wins, and frankly, I don't really care.  Others can worry about the strategy if that's your deal.  Just give me some emotional rollercoastering and I'll be happy.  One thing that really bugged me about Ashley's show was her slavish adherence to the storyline and refusal to act like a normal person on camera.  I think we need to purge the bad memories of what happened there and start over again.  Together, we can get back to that happy place.

The Chrystie Corns LOOK AT ME Extravaganza

They said it couldn't be done.  They said "no chance you'll finish blogging about this disaster."  "It'll ruin you," they told me.  But here I am, bitches.

From the first episode, the question on everyone's mind has been "how will Ashley dispose of the other guys not named J.P.?"  It's been quite a ride filled with inevitability, uncomfortable moments, staged circumstances, and feigned outrage.  Just as trials are won and lost in jury selection, this season was lost when all of the much more interesting candidates fled the scene leaving the diminutive dentist-to-be as the remaining option for Bachelorette 7 and The Deathly Hallows.  Unfortunately, the script for this version was also lacking despite a proven template and most of the dialogue lifted from seasons past.  If you haven't been following along this time through, you might want to wait 20 seasons for the Christopher Nolan reboot.  By that point, Amesbot will be fully functional and Bentley will return in an alternate ending that will be one of the most talked about moments in director's cut Bachelorette history.

Until then, let's pick at the scraps of carcass until only the marrow is left.

Last we left Ashley, she had the dilemma of begging the very dopey Constantine to stay, or welcoming back that creepy stalker Ryan who smiles at inappropriate times.  Clearly these are the options of a highly desirable woman.  Remember back when Ali had these problems?  Or when DeAnna was totally in these same shoes?  Hahaha... yeah, it seems like this happens never out of seven times this show has aired.  Going into the finale, Ashley had the enviable task of choosing from the two guys that decided not to leave on their own.  At the start of this week's episode, Ashley sets up the scene:  will she pick Ben who she is comfortable with, or J.P. with whom she is madly in love?  I'm on pins and needles already.

I don't know when it happened, but at some point the big shots at ABC/Next Entertainment decided to hire Ashley's sister, Chrystie Corns, as the white noise generator for the finale.  Now, Chrystie (there should be a law against this spelling) isn't an unknown per se.  As I've pointed out, she is an extreme couponer who has been featured on TLC, a local TV host, and a general attention whore with obvious untreated adult-onset ADHD.  Since it's customary for the final two to meet the lead's family, Chrystie was going to be in the mix anyhow, so why not get her on board to throw off the scent?  The conversation allegedly went something like this:

Fleiss:  "Chrystie, we've got a proposition for..."

Corns:  "I'll do it!"

Of course the original plan was a simple 11th hour red herring with a brief cameo, but Chrystie insisted upon making the finale her breakout performance in a leading role.  To say that she was a little out of control is like saying Fukushima was a little melting down.  The best part of the whole thing was that they only had to compensate her in cigarettes and Popov Vodka.

Meanwhile, Ashley's mom, who is a spitting image of Chrystie 30 years in the future, was barely noticeable, and of course her brother and step-father were too busy exhibiting traits characteristic of Y chromosomes to be a factor.  What Ashley's brother lacked in verbosity he made up for in sweat.  I've never seen anyone perspire so much doing absolutely nothing (fat people eating is a close second), and thanks to some fancy camera work and expert editing, we didn't miss a thing.  We truly are living in the gilded age if siblings are flown on location just to get heat stroke on camera.

Conversely, J.P. has no such issues because he's sporting a stubbly dome.  I honestly have no idea why he does this.  You have the whole of your 40s and beyond to be bald.  Maybe more.  It's like thumbing your nose at god.

J.P. acted like any guy would meeting a girl's family for the first time.  He was cordial, respectful, affable, talkative... all of those things.  The problem for him is that he didn't read the script which called for a mid-30s, bitter, divorced sister exhibiting 6 of 9 criteria of borderline personality disorder to make it look as though he was unfit to date Ashley.  Based on his bar mitzvah picture alone, J.P. appears to be a guy who is used to getting what he wants, so to have not charmed the elder sibling sent our hero into something of a tailspin.  While I'm not against having the kid work for it, I could have done without Chrystie enriching her own "logical" ego at the expense of the happy couple.  I think I knew this was all choreographed when the sticking point became the absence of yucks.  It just didn't jibe with the humorless family dynamic they had working.   And really, who the hell can evaluate someone, with any authority, after a dozen or so minutes at a picnic in Fiji?  I find it particularly difficult to assess hilarity in many of the islands in the South Pacific.

The comedy inquisition generated this little nugget:

Ashley:  "I think I'm funnier than you."

J.P.:  [flustered, almost ticked off] "That wasn't the question!"

Which showed that Chrystie's plan was actually working on some level.  Even Ashley's mom chimed in saying that she thought Ashley was more gaga over Brad.  Brad?!?  Yeah, and he was just a barrel of laughs, that guy.  This whole quest for a funny man reached the absurd quickly, and no one watching was really buying it.  At least I hope not.

"I'm looking at logistics," Chrystie pleaded (which itself was actually kind of funny).  Ashley was reduced to tears and played every bit the younger sister who was used to having her older sister steal her Barbies and cut off all their hair.  She did have a good point about the 54 year old J.P. wanting to date the 17 year old Ashley.  That'd be just creepy and wrong.  Turns out Chrystie and J.P. are actually about the same age which almost amounts to a special brand of self-loathing.  None of it really made much sense, but for whatever reason Ashley kind of kept up the theme when she was alone with J.P. and kept him a bit off balance.  So for 10 episodes she's basically ready to carry his child and now she's showing some restraint?  Just seems a little late to play this game.  I think mom's line about her being into Brad was my tipping point.

If Chrystie wants ABC to give her a show, she should audition for it on her own time.  No one wants to watch an extreme judgmental couponer for two hours.  Take your act to Lifetime or Oxygen or Oprah's soon to be defunct network.  See, there are literally three outlets for this brand of entertainment.  I could see an interview with Gayle King where they talk about how to liberate CVS of their fanciest shampoos using the power of couponing.

How meeting the family turned into a "who can make the best dog voice" or "who can be the zaniest" contest is beyond me.  From the outtakes, we know that Ashley is a certified goofball at times, but it's not like Ben is Henny Youngman here.  This show has devolved into convincing Ashley's sister that they can crack one-liners in a convincing fashion.

After seeing the 10th helicopter tour, I think we've hit the helicopter quota for this season, maybe the next three.  Ashley started off scared to fly last season, and now she can probably pilot the damn thing.  "Helicopter tour" is definitely showing up in the official drinking game next time.  I didn't expect mud bathing to make an appearance, so kudos for something fresh.  I can't imagine anyone deciding on Fiji for the mud bath experience, though.

Ben finally followed through with "the whole I love you thing," but not before making it drawn out and awkward.  A consistent theme has been his hang ups about expressing affection, and this didn't really help his image there.  Also keep in mind that he didn't have a homemade gift for her like a map or a poem.  Had he spent $10 at Archiver's, this might have gone very differently.

J.P. didn't make the same mistake and came armed with a fancy basket containing a book and beach photo.  But remember, Ben is better at high-pitched dog voices.  So, it was kind of a toss up at that point.  The problem for Ben, though, is that, in the history of relationships on this earth, "comfortable" has never meant anything positive.  In fact, Ben got slapped with the dreaded "comfortable" and "easy" more times than I can remember.  Comfortable is fine if you're describing a memory foam pillow or a plate of pasta.  If I were Ben, I would have asked for some clarity there.

I keep wondering how Neil Lane got to be the official jeweler of The Bachelorette?  Was there a bidding war?  Was Zales even invited?  That Prestige Diamond Collection they've got is nothing to sneeze at.  Imagine being presented with a half million worth of engagement rings and being asked to pick one.  Pretty good problem to have, I think.  I've always wondered if they were sized right the first time.  Ben was "stoked" to give Ashley a $100k ring.  "Stoked."  I have no idea how J.P. felt about it, but presumably he was something other than "stoked."  All the clues were there, folks.  You just had to pay attention.

For their last appearance, Ben is decked out in Armani.  J.P. is wearing the "Reservoir Dogs" collection by Tarantino.  Ashley opts for a full length version of Björk's infamous swan dress.  Everyone is looking great, with the possible exception of Chris Harrison and his white tie.  Is this some kind of obscure symbolism?  Fijian custom?  I wasn't sure.  I also have a hard time with Harrison's presence at the final rose ceremony for The Bachelorette.  It's not like guys need to be escorted by another guy.  It's strange, confusing, and I want the practice discontinued.  The ultimate dream is losing Harrison entirely, and I think this could be the gateway to making that happen.  No one should be allowed to milk that gig for this long.  He's even got the Verizon guy beat.

Even though we all knew Ben was getting the hook, this was one of the more difficult executions to watch.  The guy just got over whatever insecurity he had about "that I love you thing" and even invoked the image of his dead father before stepping up to the plate.  I suppose you could argue he should have seen this coming, and I'd agree, but boy was this brutal. I'm still debating whether he actually realized Ashley was about to whack him before he proposed and just said to hell with it... I'm here, let's do this.  Her face couldn't have been more clear that it was doomsday.  Once he got down on one knee, I just kept staring at his crazy hair that lost a short battle with the heat and wind.  Another point for keeping things shaved, I guess.

"You're not going to say yes, are you..."

Ashley's runner-up speech needed some work:

"I want you to know that this is the hardest thing that I've done... here."  

As in, on Fiji?  I was a little confused.  Not having a fiver for the valet can be a little embarrassing, I guess.  She kept digging:

"You are one of the most interesting... smartest, funniest..."  

A list of positive traits doesn't start with "interesting" followed by a dramatic pause.  It just doesn't.   Maybe they have to start working on contingencies for situations where someone just wins early.  Ben was barely registering a blip by the end of this puppy, and Ashley was so checked out that she had trouble even building a list of empty platitudes for the guy.  Ben got the kind of send off you see in week 3.  He didn't exactly do himself proud with the snarky "I'm sure you'll have a nice life together."  I'll bet he doesn't even care if they have a nice life together.  In fact, he's probably wishing for their demise.  Ben's a student of the slash and burn breakup school, and maybe that's the right way to do it.  At least in theory.  He sure seemed to be carrying some resentment in the After the Final Rose segment.  Maybe the lesson for all of you hopeless romantics out there is to be a little more in tune with how the other person is acting.  Ashley's not that good at hiding her emotions.  In fact, she was pretty terrible at it.  The only reasonable conclusion is to blame Ben for being clueless.  Sorry, Ben.  You weren't alone, though.  I'd talk to Ryan for more information on this condition.

I'm glad that Ben was "the most vulnerable he's been with anybody" there, but this isn't a contest to see who can be the least vulnerable and still get the girl.  I think he missed that chapter in the manual.  It's not like you have to be over the top, but I don't know a lot of healthy relationships that started with the claim that they were just now emotionally available.  Sure Ben had other problems, namely that Ashley just liked J.P. better, but there were some fixable issues there.  I think the single worst question to ask someone is if you could have done something different to influence the outcome.  That's just desperate and weak.  Take it from me, kids:  never ask that question.  Ever.

Seeing J.P. and Ashley together, they seem to have a good shot to stick it out.  I do think that J.P. will be a lot more assertive and less smiley over time, but I'd put some money on them actually getting married... to each other even.  And if not, there's plenty of former contestants to hook up with.  Some of them have made a career out of it.

I guess the only question remaining is who the next Bachelor will be, and I guess we have to include Ben in the running, but I just find him to be a weak choice.  There's only so much wine talk America can handle, and like the recently retired Randy Moss, Ben takes plays off.  He disappears for stretches of time.  I'd rather cast Ames as kind of a sick experiment to see what happens.  If any of these guys is dating someone, all bets are off.  There are rumors that Ames is with Jackie and that Ben was actually seeing mousey Britt.  That doesn't leave much.  I just hope Ryan isn't on their radar.  I think (and want to believe) that most of sane America wants no part of Ryan and his book of fabulous questions.  Might be time to purge the list and start from scratch again.

As for Bachelor Pad 2, I'm in if you are, and I know you are.  From what I've seen so far, things look excellent.  I'd probably watch anything with Kasey (and his 11 studs) in it.  I think he may have been lobotomized at some point.  Everything else on that show is just bonus to me.  Seeing the dentist lay waste should be good too.  Can you imagine getting your teeth cleaned by Blake after all that?  I'm still waiting for a field report from one of his patients.

"You're the only one that understands me, Amesbot."

And with that, we tie a bow on yet another epic journey that started in L.A. and ended in some exotic location.  We'll do it again in the fall, and this time I'll probably even enjoy the process.  Feel free to leave comments here, on Facebook, or email us at realepicjourney@gmail.com.  

Until then, may all of your helicopter tours be scenic and your Chinese lanterns be un-peed on.

A Two Hour Bachelor Pad 2 Promo Featuring Bachelorette Cast-Offs

I don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to Bachelor Pad 2.  I really need to wash this taste of Ashley out of my mouth.

Bachelor Pad 2 is shaping up to be The Battle for Bawling Supremacy. That should easily come down to Gia vs. Vienna, and maybe that other ugly blonde that I can't remember the name of off hand.  I weawwy wike Gia to emewge victowious thewe. It's funny to see Blake DDS drawing this kind of ire from the women. He couldn't have been more innocuous before this, yet now he's hitting on anything that moves. They even called him a "sociopath."  Must be his incessant need to grin at everyone with that smile courtesy of Invisalign. See? I told you dentists were weird.

Yeah, we've all been there, Tim. And by "there" I mean been blackout drunk on national television.  I'm sure you're not an alcoholic or anything.  Chris, like 95% of the English-speaking population, misuses the word "irony" suggesting that it's somehow "ironic" that Tim was drunk and a liquor distributor.  I'd say that's perfectly appropriate, Chris.  Tim sure talked a lot for a guy that was on the show for about 10 minutes.  I was amazed how little the alcohol affected his speech.

"Easily one of the most talked-about people ever on the show..." Oh shut up about this already. First, no one bought into the idea that Jeff actually devised this mask stunt himself. Second, he was a complete bore and might as well been invisible save the little Phantom segues you predictably worked into each episode. Third, absolutely no one talked about this guy. There are times when the producers play the puppet master and things work out beautifully. This is not one of those times. Chalk it up as a loss and move on, and stop with this revisionist history already. You're embarrassing yourselves here.  Did anyone see those online clips of Jeff in "Ask the Mask?"  No?  Good.  Don't bother, well, unless you want to see a 35 year old guy with a crooked hat talking about "getting your mums on" when asked about planting flowers.  Then by all means watch.

Ashley seems to still not have figured out Bentley.  She's also shocked that "America" was so hard on her over it, to the point of real tears.  The thing that confused me was that she surely has met guys like this before. How could she be so clueless about some idiot running game the entire time?  Nice radar you've got there.  Even in hindsight she's still clinging to this notion of seeing the good in him. Well, it's a good thing she ended up with a couple of yes-men instead of someone that challenges her. I'd hate to see her overheat that brain.

I loved Ryan blathering on and looking back at the guys in a "am I right?" moment only to have them looking at him like he had three heads. Some things are played up to look different than they are, but this didn't need any fancy editing.  Ryan's straight up odd.  Still not convinced?  This is how he responded to Blake questioning his behavior after being let go:

"Going into the show, I actually bought multiple books. Umm, I bought a book on questions to ask before getting engaged, questions to ask before getting married, and book of fabulous (!) questions. Read 'em cover to cover. Made pages upon pages of notes. And Nick will back me up on this, and so will Ben C. Pages on pages of notes so when I sat down with her I'm asking some questions to her about family, lifestyle, you know.. I mean.. the deepest of questions. So, my time with her -- I don't know what yours was -- but mine was very, very real."

"Wait... you bought books?"

Looks to me like someone lost any shot they've got to be the next Bachelor.  All he had to do was sit in that seat for five minutes and not be a total weirdo.  I guess that was asking too much.  That was a trainwreck, and not the good kind.  It was a toxic gas leak at an elementary school kind of trainwreck. Good riddance, Ryan. I hope you're better at being a solar energy executive than you are at talking to humans.

Ben C. vs. William was boring. The Chin vs. The Flop. I don't care if Ben was perfecting his match.com profile, nor do I care if William is aware that he's unfunny.  Then again, there isn't much else to explore since Bentley was a no-show, so I guess we're stuck with this for 90 minutes.

William saying "so gorgeous, so used" even makes me cringe, and I'm a cynical bastard.  His exit was the flame out of the century.  I was at least entertained.

I never would have expected it, but Nick is going for MVP of The Men Tell All. 

Ames confirmed that he's the product of a lab experiment gone awry, but in a good way.  Kind of like when that guy from 3M discovered the residue-free adhesive for Post-it® Notes.  At first he was like "oh shit, what's this?"  Then he realized, "wait a minute, I could make millions by putting this on some yellow square pieces of paper and selling it at Office Depot."  Seldom do you see someone on TV and feel like that's exactly how they are in real life, but I think that's the case with him. I don't know if being on Bachelor Pad 2 precludes him from being on The Bachelor or what (the timing shouldn't be an issue as they haven't selected anyone yet, and Pad 2 has already wrapped), but he (still) seems like the obvious choice to me.  Maybe he's still with Jackie.  I find that nearly impossible to believe, but if so, that would exclude him.

Big shock: no Bentley. Of course that didn't stop them from acting like he'd be there.. complete with promo clips that people hadn't seen before, somehow implying that he was making these comments on this show. Dumb.  Even now, I'm still not sure what Bentley's "plan" was.  Had he carried things out to the end, that would have been some ground-breaking reality TV.  Leaving a few episodes in just left us asking what could have been.  Can you imagine Bentley vs. J.P. in the finals?  How good would that have been?  I'm finding myself getting a little mad just thinking about the lost opportunity.  It could have been special, folks.

The One Where That Guy Comes Back

This wasn't the most memorable penultimate episode in Bachelorette history, so please forgive the tardiness of this week's entry.  I've now watched this little bugger twice, and I'm sad to report that not much happened.  Usually we can expect a few nuggets of goodness in there.  I guess I just wasn't feeling it and would now like to leave.  I respect all of your families too much.

I just want to start by saying, if this is ABC's way of promoting Ryan as the next Bachelor, I'm out.  Forget it.  No chance I can support this fool.  He needs ritalin, or maybe a chew toy.  The producers really seem to have invested a crapload of time and energy in this clown.  Right from the beginning we had a hometown interview with him and all sorts of details about his little solar energy startup that he allegedly micromanages.  I should have known as soon as they pulled this little stunt that he'd be a nauseating blight on an already beleaguered season, and of course he's done nothing to dissuade that notion.  Worse, the guy came back.  Sometimes I ask God tough questions at night when I'm alone and staring off into the infinite darkness:  Why do innocent kids get cancer?  Why did the Holocaust have to happen?  Why is Ryan back on The Bachelorette?

Previously on Lost...

Sure I'm a cynic of reality TV and how it's produced, but sometimes I wonder just how deep the rabbit hole goes with these shows.  Did Ryan really "call up Chris Harrison" and ask to come back?  Can anyone do that?  "Hey Chris. Bro, it's Drunk Tim.  I really regret how I left and would love to see Ashley in Fiji.  Can you hook it up?"  They've gone to this well a few times in their history and it seems to be less realistic every time we see it.  Ashley couldn't really stand Ryan.  He was obnoxious.  He found prayers at a temple to be "romantic."  He probably dips his fries in mayo.  Nothing about this guy screams "great catch" to me.  Nothing even screams "cool guy to have a beer with."  Mickey was about ready to punch him in the throat.  I realize that a lot of women watch the show, but the guys show up for The Bachelor to ogle the talent, and I can tell you that Ryan will ruin those numbers like Wladimir Klitschko ruined Hayden Panettiere.  Sadly, here are some pro-Ryan comments from The Bachelorette Facebook page.  Ahem:

Mary:  "Live Ryan! I feel he is so sweet and genuine! Hope he's the next Bachelor!" (1 person likes this)

No no no.  First, it's "love," I think.  You love Ryan. Second, he's 31 year old man-child with limited ability to function in a male-female unit.  Shame on you, Mary.  And no one should "like" this.  Terrible.  Boo.

 

Joie:  "Ashley is an idiot but who cares, Ryan deserves someone better looking and smarter." (1 person likes this)

Listen, Joie... she's actually not an idiot.  She's nearly a 4.0 dental student at Penn.  Is she annoying and maybe a 6 with the right lighting and camera angle?  Sure.  The point is, Ryan isn't right for anyone.  Did you see all of the dramatics?  That wasn't a man.  That was someone pining for their lost childhood.  And stop liking crappy commentary, random "likes this" person.  Oh, I suppose you think Status Shuffle is creative too?  Moron.

Heather:  "Ryan is awesome! I hope he's the next bachelor."

I'll say this, Heather.. you're very attractive, but you should know better.  Women like you eat guys like Ryan with a side of Ames.  These men stand no chance in your world.  Let's put them in the zoo of human curiosities and move on instead of perpetuating this notion that these good guy pushovers are some kind of idealized man.  You wouldn't let Ryan tie your shoes.  Give me a break.

Belinda:  "Ryan is good looking, smart, funny and successful. I don't understand why all the negitive comments. I wish him the best of luck finding his true love, and let me add she will have a wonderful life with him." (3 people like this)

Let me tell you why all the "negitive" comments, Bel.  Ryan is like an overwrought Jack Russell terrier.  He runs around all day with his boundless energy trying to impress you, and then he pees on your $5000 Persian rug and wonders why you're mad.  His facial expressions aren't proportional to the emotion of the moment.  He runs too hot and too cold.  And who will have a "wonderful life" with him?  Random woman X?  Let me ask you something:  are you sure it's a woman?

Like it or not, they brought him back, and who wouldn't take a free trip to Fiji just to be humiliated on TV? Sure, I'd go for that.  Looks like all he had to do was sit around and record a video diary.

So "Ry" shows up at Ashley's suite, you know, the one with the door big enough to drive a Honda Civic through.  She's looked genuinely surprised to see him there, and maybe feels a little flattered by it since this has been the bachelorette with the lowest self-esteem in franchise history.  Of course Constantine will remind her what it's like to be rejected by an ugly person, but at least she can claim victory that some tool wanted to see her again.  He hands he what appears to be a handwritten note on the back of a credit card receipt from the hotel bar.  It reads, "Hello Ashley.  Welcome to Fiji, home of former Master's champion Vijay Singh and a 2006 military coup!  Should you choose to forgo your romantic relationships with guys that you like better than me, please use this PIN to access the electronic lock and stay with me a bit down the road and veering off to the right, you know, the Days Inn next to the Jamba Juice."  If you missed this part, I found a clip of it here.  Probably good to refresh your memory.

Obviously she wasn't feeling it, but they already spent a princely sum flying him in, so of course they make him wait six days before she shoots him down.  As you saw above from the dimwit women of Facebook, Ryan has his fans, but I hope to baby Jesus that this doesn't mean they're lining him up to be in The Bachelor Season 16:  Here Comes the Sun King.  Do not want.

Boring Ben gets first crack at Ashley, and since she's such a big fan of the water, she personally planned an sea-faring excursion on an 80 foot T-Pain approved "I'm On A Boat" boat.

I got my swim trunks...
And my flippy floppies...

"That's a really nice boat," utters Captain Deadpan.  He's full of these one-liners today.  Must be feeling good.  Ben also made a well-timed quip about her cooking dinner as it was being served to them in luxurious fashion.  Can't you just see these two having the time of their life in the vineyards of Sonoma?  It would be fun to see them be perpetually judged by Ben's overly sheltering mother.  Of course Ashley somehow had the time of her life with all four families.  I personally found the visit to Sonoma.. a little stiff.  Well, it's a good thing none of that rubbed off on Ben or else we're in for some really awkward moments later on.

Oh, here's one:

Ashley:  "My back.  I can reach everywhere else unless you want to do everything."

Ben:  "No, I don't need to do everything.  Unless you want me to do everything."

Ashley:  "Yeah, I do."

Ben:  "Oh my lord."

Episode 9 of this thing and Ben is afraid to touch Ashley, yet Bentley was pretty much hitting it in the first week.  She has to be thinking the same thing, the little tart.  Maybe it's just the process that's messing with these guys.  Yeah, the process.

Heading to dinner, Ben pulls his now patented (and most regrettable) line:  "Oh, whaaaaat?"  That's twice now.  You sound like that Milkaholic Lindsay.

Ben's been psyching himself up all day to divulge his true feelings for Ashley. 

"I think I'm going to tell Ashley I love her tonight."

Later...

"I'm don't think I'm going to tell Ashley I love her tonight."

That's verbatim, too.

I actually like Ashley a little without makeup. They usually have her looking like a clown, so this is actually sort of refreshing.  I think I finally pinpointed why she looks a little off to me.  That is one helluva chin there.

You can tell that Ashley is already thinking about how her future fiancee J.P. is going to view this video later.  She's being very careful with her words.  Ben asks if she could see her herself in wine country with him, and she gives him a response that seems to have been penned and vetted by a team of corporate lawyers:

"Well, I mean after a day like today, it's like, every time I'm with you I just leave thinking it's like oh my goodness I could see myself with this guy, like I really can, like I can see myself with this guy forever.  Um.  And especially after a day like today..."

No guarantees implied or explicit there.  Sorry, Ben.  A lot of this has a "going through the motions" feel to it.  Ben must have some ridiculous issues because he's treating Ashley like she's a package of plutonium wrapped in TNT.  He claims he wasn't "available" when he first showed up on the show, whatever that means.  Well, it's not going to matter anyway.  Be available for the "I love you thing" all you want.

Ashley seemed intent on hitting that Fantasy Suite hard as she basically ran there after dinner and was nearly despondent when the Zeus decided to shove off to Mt. Olympus.  "Yours truly, Chris Harrison" has a nice vibe to it, no?  There's nothing you want more from an invitation to sex than a kindly written valediction from Mr. Harrison.  Something like "I'll be watching.  Love, C.H." would be only slightly more creepy.

Following a night of plausibly deniable sex with Ben, Ashley took a break from romance by booking a friendly hang out with buddy Constantine.  Under that euro-mullet he's sporting, the man just oozes indifference.  Rawr!  Well, until he sees the chopper.  She really made his day with that helicopter trip, but this required that they sit next to each other for about 45 minutes as they took in the amazing sights:  spouting blowholes, coral reefs, and forlorn energy executives.

Ashley and Constantine share an intimate high five as Ryan silently pines away from below.

"I have a Greek God to the left of me.. and the crystal blue waters below.  Do you think I could survive it if I jumped?"

Okay, I added that last part.  This date was pretty much DOA, but they need to at least get to dinner since it's all pre-paid.  When they weren't jumping into waterfalls wearing shoes, we learned a lot about what makes Dino tick:

Ashley:  "How many houses did you look at?"

Constantine:  "108.  IT'S A BIG INVESTMENT.  I WANTED A MAN CAVE."

Whoa, someone touched a nerve with all of this hot real estate talk.  I hope, for his sake, that he got that man cave.  You'll also never know if that 109th house would have been even better.

For some reason Ashley absolutely refused to give up on Constantine.  She seemed hell bent on getting him back to that Fantasy Suite.  It's just not a good sign when, after a wine toast at an intimate dinner, her date starts talking about another guy.

"Very fruity.  Very very fruity.  Ben taught me that."

The guy couldn't have been less interested, and yet here she is fighting like hell to keep him around.  Look, Ash, Constantine knows what goes on in that Fantasy Suite, okay?  That Chris Harrison card might as well be considered pornography.  He respects his Greek mother with the southern drawl too much to be caught fornicating on national TV.  That, or he isn't attracted to you.  But Ashley really wants to try the baklava.

"Dear Ashley, You've been punk'd!  Love, Ashton.  P.S. Follow me on twitter @aplusk."

So there's that matter of Ryan moping around, which couldn't be that terrible, but knowing Ryan, he probably made a six day vacation in Fiji a living hell by talking to himself.  Before seeing J.P., Ash gives ol' Ry a visit in the least controversial send-off in Bachelorette history.  Again, the only strategic reason for this was to gauge interest in him as a Bachelor candidate, but I think we know how stupid that would be unless they want to cater to the unwashed 18-25 year old female demographic that is convinced Ryan is prime husband material.  On love, Ryan wonders:

"Oh jeez, am I ever gonna find it?"

What is Ashley supposed to do with that?  This segment went from cheesy to syrupy in a hurry.  I know he had some coaching, but ease up on the schmaltz.  Thankfully, Ashley doesn't really waste time.  She never really liked this guy, and there's basically zero drama here.

Ashley:  "Bye!"

Ryan:  ".................................................................................................................bye."

J.P., who won this competition around hour two of the first cocktail party many weeks ago, gets his with Ashley in the post-Ryan era.  It still amazes me just how taken he is with her.  It's not like he's a man who lacks options either.  He's a single guy in NYC who is at least moderately successful and doesn't drool on himself.  Why he's decided that the world revolves around this girl is a mystery that's up there with how the pyramids were built.  We have slowly discovered, though, that J.P. is exceedingly impatient and jealous.  Sure he's quick to flash a smile when it's all champagne and plane rides, but the moment that someone has to do the laundry, this guy looks like he might crack.  Nonetheless, these two seem about as genuinely into each other as we've seen on this show.  If they're acting, they're doing a great job.

I've noticed that Ashley likes to taunt J.P. a bit and keep him guessing.  The conversation about sending two guys home was pretty great.  He looked liked a five year old being explained algebra.  As much as these guys claim they don't look at things as a competition, they do.  Correction:  J.P. really does.  He looks like he wants to curb-stomp people that get in his way.  But of course it's all dimples and grins the rest of the time.

Last week we were beat over the head with how hurt J.P. was in his previous relationship, but the act is getting a little tiresome.  J.P. acts like he's the only guy that has ever been hurt before, and somehow this is supposed to win him endless sympathy and encouragement.  Since he's already the house favorite to walk over Ben in the final, you have to start thinking about where these two end up.  Will they overcome soul-crushing odds against their relationship surviving?  What happens when they're not living out of suitcases in exotic locations and going on expensive dates?  I like their chances a whole lot better than Brad and Em, but a whole lot less than Ali and Roberto.  I guess we'll find out.  I'll throw out early odds on a marriage at 3-1.  Takers?

With Constantine out of the picture and Ryan thoroughly emasculated to all but the most steadfast of supporters, we're left with the ever boring Ben and the confusingly smitten J.P.  If anyone was paying attention during the premiere, they could have predicted this finish.  While I like being able to guess these things, I'm also a little sad that it was so easy to do.  There just wasn't much to figure out, though.  We've also never had a season where dudes where throwing themselves off the show as often.

Ashley:  "I think this is the most important rose ceremony."

C.H.  (incredulous) "Is it?"

Of course not.  Total snoozer.  This episode limps to the finish.  Better would have been:

C.H.  "Two roses, two guys.  You still want me to do that thing where I say 'last rose tonight?'"

At least we get to see Ashley's sister, Kat Von D, being a "total bitch" next week.  There's also a lot of crying which I think could be potentially rewarding.  And it also sounds like Bentley will be back in some form during "The Men Tell All," but that remains to be seen.  I still think they'd be crazy not to throw a case of money at him to be Bachelor #16.  Ratings bonanza.

Don't forget that Pad 2 gets going August 8.  Apparently Jake is going to throw Vienna from a plane flying at 3,000 feet.  Should be a good one.

Let's Pretend Four Guys Like Ashley

Well friends, we're only a couple of weeks away from Bachelor Pad 2, and that's the good news.  The bad news is that we still have to slog through the muck and mire of Bachelorette Ashley on her inevitable journey toward short-term engagement.  I can only hope that you've been drinking heavily on Monday nights to make this more tolerable.  I know that I'll be sending in a letter to ABC requesting a formal apology, especially on behalf of the men that have been subjected to this televised horror show.  They don't know that many of us have no choice but to watch this, and it's bad enough having to sit through fifteen commercials for mascara without being otherwise entertained.  The least they could do is have someone that the average guy would want to date as the lead, but they've somehow even failed at that.  I don't expect I'll get a response from anyone, but if I do, believe me, I'll post it here.

This week we witnessed Ashley's visits with four very different families.  One thing that that immediately sticks out is how unnecessary four family "hometown dates" are.  Is she really developing feelings for four different guys?  Conversely, do they like her?  When do you introduce a significant other to your family?  When you're in love and have been dating for a while.  She barely knows these guys.  Along with my request for an apology, I'm submitting a list of proposed format changes.  I know they won't listen because they're too terrified of losing even more of their slipping market share, but I really think these changes would help.  One is that we don't need four hometown dates.  Ashley's lucky if she likes one guy out of these 25.  To think she'd need four family experiences is just stupid. No, it's insulting.  Let's have more potential for mayhem and less prim and proper meals with the fine china.  Sadly, we get our fill of the latter.

Constantine is a man rife with contradictions.  He bears a resemblance to Ben, yet they're not related.  He's Greek, yet he works in an Italian restaurant.  So much to learn here.  I see the stereotypes are being reinforced full throttle as their first stop is the restaurant.  I'm reminded of Seinfeld's buddy Babu Bhatt who was advised to return to his roots and serve Pakistani food only to fail miserably. Perhaps that explains why the Tzortzises are slinging deep dish instead of falafel in Atlanta?  It looks like just another run-of-the-mill Italian place in some strip mall somewhere.  The pizza oven has a conveyor belt?  Just like they do it in Naples.

Ashley notes a positive change in Constantine.  He's not as much of a boring stiff when he's at home.  He also seems slightly less afraid of females here which we can only hope can save him for another week because going to Fiji would be pretty cool.  I'm still struggling to see a physical connection between these two no matter how many waitresses they stack up at the window staring at them.  We're at week 8 of this thing and Ashley has to ask for a kiss, then follows it up by telling everyone that there's "definite chemistry" between the two of them which is the absolute surest sign that there isn't any.  I don't think we've had a more passion-free Bachelor(ette) series in history.  It's cringe-worthy every week.  I haven't seen this many sexless moments on a dating show since Love Connection.

Constantine's parents seem normal enough, but they also appear to worship their son in some strange way.  What has he done to deserve that exactly?  Male heir?  That welcome home banner was at least a $150 project from Fastsigns.  Seems a little over the top.  I particularly enjoyed his mom's southern drawl which was unexpected.  Of course they're eating like pigs here too.  You know, I went to school with a Greek kid and he was skinny as a rail.  In hindsight, I have no idea how that was possible given his eating habits.

I think the best thing about this hometown visit was Constantine's sister, Maria, who is particularly attractive.  This becomes something of a theme during this episode too.  Ashley seems to be superseded shockingly often in just two hours by random women appearing on screen.  Ben's sister pulls a similar stunt a bit later on.  Didn't they get the memo to ugly it up?

Another show suggestion I'll be submitting will have to do with the standard "so you think you're good enough for my son" interrogations.  Here's a perfect example of how The Bachelorette can't just be a simple transposition of The Bachelor.  It's like they think the leads are actually reversing gender roles in every conceivable way, and it's weird.  It's fine for a guy to get the third degree from dear old dad, but grilling a girl in a similar way just seems strange and wrong.  If anything, she's the one that should be grilling his family.  "Level with me, pops.  What am I getting into here?"

As if there was any doubt that the entire Greek population of Atlanta would show up for this event, your worries were quickly assuaged with an influx of overwrought Greeks not seen since the Peloponnesian War.  And instead of bringing implements of destruction, they brought more food, drink, and an smothering supply of free hugs.  To me, this would be equivalent to a lower rung of hell to have this kind family onslaught, but Ashley seemed to revel in it, and that makes her plain weird.  However, it's completely consistent if you think back to Brad's hometown experience in Maine where Ashley's family pulled something similar.  Their lack of sheer numbers were made up for in decibels.  Ashley seemed to enjoy every second of this visit, and I don't doubt it.  Still, you have to wonder why Constantine is such a complete bore given that his family is demonstrably crazy, at least in an entertaining way.

As much fun as it was dancing in circles and stomping on ankle-biting dogs, reality set in and Ashley had to be moving on to her next hometown date.  She obviously enjoyed herself immensely, but it really only masks the fact that there's still no pulse in this relationship.  Fortunately for Constantine, there's not even an EEG blip registering with some of the other guys, so he'll at least get that much sought after free trip to the South Pacific.  That has to be a huge win for him.  I have to think it was the pink dental floss that did it that very first night because he's done absolutely nothing since then to deserve a top three finish.  I wish that was hyperbole, folks, but it's a sad fact of the now infamous Season 7.

I don't know about you, but I was actually looking forward to this Ames hometown visit.  I felt like I needed to know what makes this guy tick after seeing him flounder around for weeks.  While I think I have a much better understanding, it provided about as much entertainment as reading a legal brief.  Ames' mother (I'll call her mother -- she seems like the type that would insist upon it) and sister are essentially the same person separated by about 25 years:  educated, well-spoken, overly protective, and insanely judgmental.  You can tell that they treat Ames like something of an infant, and he does little to protest it.  It's difficult to tell if his personality is a product of how they treat him or if they merely respond to his social immaturity, but regardless, this family is swimming in estrogen.  Ames' sister also has the distinct misfortune of looking a lot like Ames.  A quick comparison tells us that this wide-eyed deal sure didn't come from mom.

Sadly, we learn that Ames lost his father and his step father, both of whom were portrayed to be fine gentlemen in their own right. I think this probably explains, to some degree, Ames' personality and some of his quirks within relationships.  I so desperately wanted to understand the permagrin, and I think it's clear now that Ames doesn't want to exude any vulnerability whatsoever.  His overachieving personality seems to be some convolution of a compensatory reaction to heartache and exceptional DNA, but we'll have no way of understanding his red pants or his tendency to gracefully prance in lieu of running.  If there was ever a case study for finding the elusive nerd gene, Ames is it.

During the sit down discussion with Ashley, Ames' sister calls out the obvious:  she isn't the least bit into Ames.  Like, at all.  You know it's bad when the words "I want to get to know him" are uttered 8 weeks in.  Honey, it's the final four.  Let's all admit that Ames is a nice guy and just move on with our lives.  You can't pity someone into the finals.  Nonetheless, Ashley insists that she wants to "see the full Ames" which had a record scratch quality to it.  Even in it's most carnal realization, I really don't think that would help either.  In fact, with apologies to Farmer Ted, I'm not sure he's ever bagged a babe.

Unlike the hometown visit with Constantine, Ames' family was intent on starving everyone to death.  Fortunately, Ames had a private little picnic scheduled, but this plan foolishly ignores the grave history of picnic-going contestants on this show.  Many go never to return.  I think Kasey may still be sitting on that glacier to this day. 

On their little romantic excursion, Ames does what any savvy guy would do on a date and sells the boring.  In fact, he assures her that there's a long-standing historical precedent for being a bore, and that this is just the start of a long, mostly banal and mundane existence that the two of them can look forward to... probably a good fifty or sixty years worth.  Well, he's kind of right.  Sprezzatura refers more generally to performing difficult feats with apparent ease.  It's also not necessarily an endearing quality and sometimes connotes a defensiveness, which I think applies perfectly to Ames.  You'd think a polymath like Ames would have this romance thing a little better in hand. I guess they didn't offer that course at Yale.  Hell, even John Nash had better lines, and his approach was rooted in arcane non-cooperative game theory.

I've seen a lot of derogatory comments about Ames, but I'll don the kid gloves and say that he's obviously gone through a lot in his life losing his dad and step-father, and has a couple of overbearing women to contend with in his family.  In the previous entry to this blog, I suggested that Ames was likely the leading candidate for the next Bachelor (at least on my scorecard, barring any unforeseen contenders).  He's probably the sentimental favorite, but his inability to foster any kind of romantic interaction with women is probably going to exclude him.  God help us if Ryan gets the gig.  I get a pretty strong Marcus Bachmann vibe from that guy.

There are a couple of guys who seem to have had sex in their past, so let's get to those hometown visits.  The way that Ashley runs toward Ben demonstrates that she looks at him in a much different way than either Constantine or Ames.  In the past, this trite display had little to no meaning as they all ran like idiots toward each other, but given the cast of eunuchs on this show, we can actually learn something here.

What continually amuses me about Ashey's portrayal of Ben is how "super hot" he is.  Now, granted, I'm a heterosexual male, so perhaps my ability to rate dudes is a bit off, but if "hotness" is what Ashley was gunning for during this amazing journey, then I think she failed miserably.  J.P. seems to be the consensus "hot" guy remaining, and I think he's only earning that title by virtue of his dimples.  I think.  Anyway, word from Ashley is that Ben is scorching hot and a "real guy" which was evidenced earlier in show by his prowess with a scooter.  I see the producers have a sense of humor.

Not that my upbringing was horrible or regrettable, but I kind of wish I grew up in Sonoma.  What a cool place.  I think your odds of making wine as a resident of Sonoma are probably 204,384 times higher than the average person growing up elsewhere in the U.S.  Sounds like a pretty cool job, if you ask me, but for some reason Ben seems to make it look about as dry and lifeless a profession as possible.  I think I had more regard for the dynamic field of mortuary science after seeing Shawntel's hometown visit than I did for winemaking with the ultra-boring Ben.  Actually, Shawntel's visit was somehow even less morbid than this fiasco.  I get that Ben also lost his father, but I didn't expect it to dominate the mood the entire time.  Way too many tears here.

You know, this season has just been a trail of bodies.  You have all of these guys without dads, not to mention West who found his wife dead in a tub amid strange circumstances.  It's super creepy.  Can we not cast people who are obviously bereaved or potential suspects?

Early on, I was a fan of Ben's.  Seemed down to earth, had a cool gig, didn't say anything stupid.  It's amazing how much this guy's stock has sunk over time, at least in my eyes.  Aside from the family tragedy, over which he has no control, we start to realize that he's yet another guy that has a confusing past of dating relatively few women.  What's going on here?  The explanation given is that Ben had a string of superficial relationships where he wasn't emotionally invested, but all I can see is a guy that would shed tears at the mere sight of spilled cabernet.  He was built to be an emotional mess.  It's his calling.  We must be missing something.

Another problem I have is that Ben is the linguistic gemini of a certain perpetually scruffy bar owner from Austin.  He doesn't seem as outwardly dopey, but the way that he talks almost requires me to switch my brain to 1200 baud.  It's just painful to listen to.  Not that Ashley is penning any prose herself, but I don't find myself mentally hibernating when she speaks. 

Ben's sister Julia is also cuter than Ashley, even with the patented Stepford Wife chaste look she's working.  In fact, she's a lot cuter than Ashley.  I noticed the camera framing her up on her in a few shots.  This family is pretty uptight as a whole.  Mom is certainly no picnic.  She seems about as wild as Condoleezza Rice at a treaty signing.  Ashley is used to injecting humor into these situations to cut some of the tension, but not here.  No ma'am.  It feels like you're at a funeral home run by a Barbra Streisand look alike.  I'm pretty sure I heard a brief giggle from Ben's mom toward the end, but I'll have to run it in slow-mo to be certain.

Despite all of this, Ben is still the second best option out of these four, and that certainly speaks to the weakness of this field.  Apparently he's getting by on his looks (which seems preposterous on its face) because he's done just about everything to sabotage his standing during the show.  Oddly, Ashley summarized her Sonoma visit as "over the top"  Over what top?

J.P. gets the anchor leg and juggles the baton a bit himself.  He's either shown some vulnerabilities lately or they're going out of their way to highlight them in the final edit.  No matter what they do, it can't possibly look any worse than the three trips Ashley's been on to this point.  Despite his marginal protests that he's "not ready" to confess his love for her, J.P. is showing every indication that he's all the way there (for whatever reason I've yet to discern).  He's the only person, other than that freak Ryan, that has shown any emotional investment in Ashley whatsoever.  It also happens that she has reciprocated his affections, so there you go.  This isn't rocket science, and we sure as hell didn't need any spoilers this year, but thanks anyway, Steve.

Roller skating actually isn't a bad date (at Hot Skates!).  I went myself a number of years ago.  What is shocking to me is that these places still exist.  I was certain they were all demolished years ago, but everything old and lame become ironic and cool again.. eventually.  Much as I remember it, the rink they go to has no one in it.  Sure, they rented this place out for the show, but I'm willing to bet that's pretty much how it looks most days... with REO Speedwagon as the current house band.

Do any of these guys have an extensive dating history?  Forget extensive.. how about normal?  J.P. is 34, and yet we learn that he's only had a few people over to meet the family.  After a while you start to realize that they must have cast things this way.  What else would explain it?  Delving a bit deeper into it, we keep hearing over and over about this painful past relationship that J.P. had.  Everyone mentions it and points it out.  What the hell happened that would merit that kind of build up?  Was he abducted?  I don't understand how bad it could have been to the extent that it was brought up a dozen times.  And since when does a grown man get coddled like this by his family regarding his relationships?  Oh right, Ames.

Wait, didn't Ashley's last ex die or something?  Right before the last show started filming?  I don't remember anyone going on and on about that.  In fact, I don't recall hearing a single acknowledgement of this on either show.  Now that's weird, boys and girls.

Well, none of this really matters in the end.  J.P.'s going to win this sucker, and there's nothing he can even do about it at this point.  They can throw in red herrings all they want in previews, but it's an ultra-mega lock.  Bet the mortgage, and the mortgage on that mortgage. 

Dear J.P., You look great with a mullet.  Good luck.  Your friend, Ames.

All of the guys need to fly back to L.A. so that Ames can be awkwardly dismissed and Constantine can wear a plaid tie.  Where does one even find a plaid tie?  Sadly, this didn't have the payoff I was expecting.  Although I am a fan of Ames as a person, I was hoping for an induced infinite loop causing some kind of catastrophic meltdown.  I figured this guy must have some incredible pent up inadequacy issues that would manifest given a proper stimulus, but even Ashley showing him the door wasn't enough.  Gracious in defeat, that permagrin was still on full display all the way into the limo.  There were a few "does not compute" moments from Amesbot, but overall he got through the night without rebooting.  I also thought we'd see Ashley break down a bit feeling terrible for the guy, but it seemed pretty clinical overall.  I don't think she really gave a crap.  This was a moment worthy of week 3 at best.  Regardless, Ames has definitely set the bar for how to pity your way into the final four.

"And now I'm back to sharing a lifetime of adventures with... myself.  Which is... less enticing."  

How true that is.

Looking ahead to next week, we see Ashley's bitchy, tatted, attention-starved (and budding extreme couponista) sister mixes things up a bit.  No doubt she hates this show as much as we do.  I say bring everything you got and then some, girlfriend.  We need it.  Somehow she got even trashier since last season.  Maybe they should offer the guys a choice:  you can either pick Ashley, or you can have her inked-up, pissed off sibling who likely self-mutilates and drinks turpentine.  Oh, I like where that could go.

If you're still not sold, remember that Jake and Vienna will be renewing their hate-hate relationship on Pad 2!  (That's what I'm calling it now.)  Enough with amateur hour.  It's time for the professionals to take over.