It's Over

This is probably the most spoiled season finale in Bachelor history, so there really wasn't any intrigue going into this episode.  Even local Girl Scout newsletters had details about Courtney's eventual victory complete with snarky comments.  Nonetheless, it's something that a lot of us had to see to believe, or in my case, appreciate.  As you know, I've been a dispassionate viewer and perhaps even erring on the side of being a Courtney defender given how well she was able to navigate the landscape.  If you keep in mind that this is nothing more than an elaborate game show with pleasant cinematography and an enormous travel budget, it's easier to make better judgments and not look like a reactionary dimwit after a few weeks of sober hindsight.  This wasn't about spawning outrage, it was more about the depths to which one man could delude himself.  And it turned out to be on par with the Marianas Trench (are you paying attention, James Cameron?).  What I found especially interesting is how he brought his mom and sister down with him.

For as much as ABC would like to maintain the illusion of suspense, the only suspenseful element was just how he was going to let Lindzi down and how he was going to justify it to himself.  I've personally struggled with how to characterize Lindzi.  She's obviously someone that has desirable attributes (i.e., she's hot), but this whole narrative of having some kind of perma-guard up is just exhausting even for the casual viewer, especially in someone that is 27 with one whole significant relationship under her belt.  Nonetheless, it's hard to fault Ben for shelving her.  I think we also have to admit that the whole horse deal was a net negative.  Maybe not baton aficionado bad, but pretty bad.  I kept imagining Lindzi's room at her parents' house festooned in pink/purple and filled with endless displays of Breyer collectibles.  Maybe even an "autographed" pic of Zenyatta?  "Hay there, Lindzi!  Best wishes from your favorite mare, Queen Z."  I guess we could have gone with Rachel Alexandra instead.  I really only know what Google tells me on this topic.

In sitting down with his mom and sister, Ben is already poisoning the well.  He's made it abundantly clear that he wants them to rubber stamp his choice of Courtney.  Here we are at the finale and Ben has maybe a few days tops before he has to decide, and he's telling his family that he might need "more time" with Lindzi to figure out if she's right for him.  More time?  That's not even a clever euphemism.   He may as well have said "I don't really like the other one, so can you just affirm that the model is better so this isn't awkward at Thanksgiving?"  Ben's poor dead dad even got pulled into this mess.  What did he ever do to deserve this kind of shabby treatment?

I'll say up front that I'm a little peeved that the "family interviews" didn't get more air time.  What's more compelling TV:  seeing Lindzi spill food on herself or watching Courtney read from her fake scrapbook?  We got about five total minutes of grilling from Julia and Barb when it should have been more like 20.  Makes no sense.  You budget 90 minutes of actual run time and only like 6% of that is spent scrutinizing the final two?  It's not like they had Ashley's psycho extreme couponing sister there grandstanding in front of the camera or anything.  This was nothing like that debacle.  No, we had genuinely well-meaning yet obviously judgmental family this time.  I was really rooting for Julia to make a mess of this, but boy what a letdown.  Of course Lindzi didn't exactly go the extra mile, but seeing how Emily died on the table after going after Courtney, maybe she was just playing it safe.  "We're just very... different" wasn't going to get it done.  Lindzi had to know that she needed a game changer.  Better would have been, "Courtney is probably schizophrenic, but she might merely be bipolar.  Our resident epidemiologist wasn't exactly sure which."


"C" sort of vowed to be on her best behavior, which got a hearty yet uncomfortable chuckle from both her and Ben.  Maybe she is crazy.  Would she implode?  Did anyone really believe that she would?  The only thing shielding ol' Jules and Babs from Courtney's ire was that they weren't part of the competition.  It would have been fun for them to see ten weeks of episodes leading up to their meeting in Zermatt, but sadly all they got was some tepid rumors about Courtney not doing her dishes in the mansion or sharing her Paul Mitchell apple-scented conditioner.


Julia just plain whiffed in her one-on-one time with the Courtinator.  For being a no-holds-barred protective sister, it basically boiled down to her saying, "well, I have to believe what you tell me."  Great stuff, Jules.  Way to sleuth that one out.  Courtney found Ben's mom to be an even easier mark.  Just shower her son with endless compliments, and you're in. "He is the best."  Best what?  We've all seen Cream Dream, Barb.  Your boy "Storm Horse" might have created a video sadly worthy of a Tosh.0 web redemption.


I was hoping that "the edit" happened to cut all of the good exchanges and that we were going to get some kind of critical analysis of Courtney as a non-game show contestant, but instead Julia was "blown away" with how "amazing" she is.  Maybe we've underestimated Courtney's skills, or overestimated Julia's.  Or both.  I knew that Courtney was pretty adept at messing with slow-witted Bachelor contestants, but I honestly thought she'd at least hit a speed bump with Julia.  Another possibility is that the family is just going along with it (likely), but "blown away?"  Just think:  that's out there for posterity.  If ever someone wants to assess Julia Flajnik's ability to judge character, someone can just pull up the YouTube clip of her slathering affectations on Courtney Robertson in Zermatt and say, "whoops."

Promotional consideration provided by the makers of this sweet hat.

I know that most of you will think the line of the show was Lindzi saying "call me," but you're wrong.  The line of the show was Ben saying, in all seriousness, "there's depth" in referring to Courtney.  While I think she's a high aptitude contestant and surely had her way with just about everyone on the show, "depth" is not a word that should enter into the lexicon.  In fact, I'd go in exactly the opposite direction and choose "surface."  The repetitive nature of her act is a dead giveaway.  The constant hair touching, the facial gestures, the eye rolling... it's all consistent with someone walking a fine, phony line.  Had anyone bothered to push her around a little bit, they would have seen it.  Ben chose to ignore it.  He seemed more interested in rubbing peoples' noses in his pick.  That's fine, but four months later, how's that taste now, Ben?

"Ben is sooo funny. Seriously."

Your guess is as good as mine as to why they have dates during the finale.  As if something's going to change.  Anything in a post Fantasy Suite world is going to be a massive letdown.  Working from my newest controversial premise that Lindzi is possibly a virgin, having a private marshmallow roast in a gondola isn't really going to work any miracles.  It's safe to say that she started to act a little desperate and was throwing out more indicators that she "liked where this is going," but the whole thing was starting to look a little embarrassing and on an eight week time delay.  I mean, Courtney was bearing the goods in the Caribbean forever ago and Lindzi is still talking about walls being up.  Not exactly the horse race this could have been.


There is this sort of unwritten rule about the lead not reciprocating with their true thoughts in the interest of suspense, but given that, conservatively, six billion people already knew the outcome of this show weeks ago (welcome, Macau readers), I really don't see the point anymore.  If you're feeling it, for the love of god just say so already.  While the past 15 Bachelors (we count Brad twice) have been all kinds of terrible at perpetuating this quasi-falling-for-you state, Ben is setting a new standard of awful.  He comes across like Lindzi's therapist as he thanks her for finally opening up.  No one has ever showed less emotion than this guy toward someone that he's supposedly falling in love with, and that continues right on through to the mechanical dismissal which was more fitting of a Week 3 send off.  I suppose we can say that he's been the most consistent Bachelor ever, if that's worth anything.  Being a dry bore has been a hallmark of this guy ever since his nascent days as a glimmer in Ashley's eye.  Inexplicably, this franchise is nearly bomb-proof from ruin, yet they seem to be hell-bent on testing that theory all the time.  If Next Entertainment ever comes calling, you'd better believe I'm on board, but I'd need sole creative license because I'd knock things sideways.  Think Jerry Seinfeld running that video cam operation for bootlegging new releases.  I'd need some serious headsets.


At this stage, I think the helicopter dates are a cruel inside joke that the staff keeps running out there just to set people off.  Or maybe it's a tribute to all of the Bachelor drinking games out there.  If so, touché.  That aside, if helicopter rides were somehow correlated with healthy relationships, I'd see the point of all of this flight time.  Then again, this isn't a show about love.  It's about putting people in the most preposterously unlikely situations to foster the hardest most painful love hangover that can be captured on camera.  Well then, to paraphrase Tom "Viper" Skerritt from Top Gun:  "Keep sending them up."


You've probably wondered about Ben's insistence that there are two Courtneys:  the one that everyone else knows, and the Courtney that only he knows.  I've wondered about that too.  Is he really convinced that people can cheerfully exist on two planes simultaneously?  If so, is this remotely a good idea?  Isn't that some kind of condition? Usually you don't see any static between the final couple until well after the show is over, but these two have shared substantial conflicts already.  This leads me to believe that Ben honestly has no earthly idea what he's doing in a relationship of any kind.  He so casually dismisses obvious warning signs and acts as though things "can only get better."  Name one occasion in this show's history where that's been remotely true.  Go on, I'll wait.  From what I can surmise, even if you are madly in love with someone at the end, you have about a 1 in 30 shot of sustaining that relationship for more than a year.  Hell, even Ali and Roberto gave up, and they seemed about as ideally suited as two people could be on this show.  Ashley and JP admitted they were just now talking about marriage in a year or so.  And moving to Jersey.  Yeah, wow.  Again, this isn't a show about love, folks.  You get married in spite of what goes on here.  It's kind of like meeting someone at the DMV and getting married.  In fact, the odds are probably a lot better there.  Now serving:  358.


I've written at some length about the perils of handmade gifts, but Courtney's scrapbook was obviously something the producers put in her hand to gin up some emotional appeal, so it really doesn't count.  Remember Blakeley's attempt at something like this?  I'll forgive you if you don't, but it was horrendous and obviously her own work.  Courtney had pics shot of them atop the Mayan temple.  What, did she hire a tour guide to surreptitiously snap photos from the ground?  Whatever.  I don't know why the production staff is so heavily invested in us believing how genuine Courtney is.  On the contrary, I think the show benefits if she's a huge phony.  Things like this only distract from our amusement.  There's this curious ongoing myth building in reality TV world that you have to manipulate results to maximize audience interest, but I think that's a false premise on its face.  You can't teach Lindzi to drop her fork.  Twice.  Sure Courtney was "in it to win it," and that's fine, but less is more.  If you want to launch a show about love, go for it.  This is The Bachelor we're talking about.


The best moment of insight into who Courtney is was on display during her last night together with Ben.  For whatever reason, she voluntarily brings up her issues with the other girls and whines to Ben that his mom and sister mentioning it made her uncomfortable.  All I can say is, good luck with this one, bro.  This is the exact opposite of accountability.  Not only is she not taking ownership, but she's actually accusing you and your family of giving her a hard time.  If you think that's bad, fast forward about a year and imagine how comfortably she'll be in dictating every aspect of your life.  Neither of you are people that are used to compromise or not getting your way.  Put that in a blender and you're going to get a mixture of shit.  But in the interest of preserving the sterling record of disaster that this show has produced, by all means ignore every conceivable warning sign that comes up.  It's not you, it's everyone else, champ.  The world doesn't get it.  You're the only one that knows anything.  Trust me.  This is going to work out so awesome for you guys.


So now that Ben is about 60% sure that Courtney is the right woman (and 150% sure that Lindzi isn't), it's probably a good idea to shop for $100k rings.  Neil seems to have initially forgotten that Ben did this last season given his goofy "I'm Neil Lane!" greeting, but he cleaned it up a bit with his "not your first rodeo" comment, so I think we're good.  It's great that Ben really appreciates Neil donating a free ring.  Again.  I think he should have to give Courtney the ring he picked out for Ashley as punishment.  You're trashing Neil's good name here.  One of these days this poor guy is going to get to sell ABC a wedding band too.  Maybe we should go with Kay Jewelers for a while until things get back on track.  That schlocky "Open Hearts" collection from Jane Seymour is much more in line with how things are run here.


As tempting as it is to drop a compulsory Cruella De Vil reference in, I think I'll pass (see what I did there?).  Though I will mention that Lindzi's feathery number was eerily reminiscent of Chantal's goose dress the last time this went down (seriously, see what I did there?).  I think we can officially say that anything even resembling plumage is a bad harbinger.

Where's the funeral?

I genuinely do fell bad for the woman that gets shot down.  Really I do.  Lindzi is no exception.  Sure, she knows she's going to lose, and no amount of jibber-jabber is going to fix that, but that doesn't stop her from trying.  I guess every second counts in her mind.  She does seem like someone who truly loves the guy, although no one is quite sure why.  I'm not sure she knows either.


For whatever reason, Ben tells Lindzi that he's fallen in love with her, BUT she still loses.

"I love you!"

"LOL, J/K."

Deftly handled, Ben.  That just seems unusually cruel in a violates-the-Constitution sort of way.  Better yet, after a solid 15 seconds of explaining himself, he wants her to leave.  Well, that certainly was... efficient.  Stranger still, Lindzi seemed surprisingly calm about the whole thing, maybe out of shock but more likely because she knew what was coming.  Yes, "call me" was a touch pathetic.  This whole exchange just seemed casual and weird.  But then, Lindzi was a little weird.

Ben channeled a few seconds of Brad Womack with his well-timed "but..." with Courtney, but in the end she got the hardware.  Winning indeed.

"Aww.. I want it with the inscription 'suck it, bitches.'"

It was good to see Harrison giving Ben and Courtney a hard time which is more than he's ever done in all his years as host.  I suppose it's hard to avoid what everyone is thinking, but there were a few moment where I was like, "whoa, dude.. ease up a bit."  I'm not sure why he characterized Ben as cutting and running, but I did get a kick out of it.  I'm sure Courtney was just a peach during that whole run.  And to be clear, Chris, Ben wasn't kissing some other girl.

Not Courtney.

See?


Well, now that they squared that away, I'm sure these two will be next in line for a big Chris Harrison-officiated wedding.  I just hope I'm invited.


I think Emily's Bachelorette season has just commenced filming in Charlotte and will premier on May 14th.  Excited?  Yeah, I dunno either.  I just hope she's willing to forgo her individual room a lot.  It has to be more interesting than watching Ashley, right?  Not a high bar.


Bachelor Pad 3 is on the horizon for mid-summer.  Mark your calendars for that mess, and don't forget, you could be a part of the action.  I seem to remember something like this on Paradise Hotel or one of these other defunct franchises.  If you do happen to land a role, please remember to be entertaining and always ask yourself:  what would Courtney do?

¡Ay Chihuahua!

At first I wasn't going to do a write-up for The Women Tell All, but there was a lot of cud to chew on, most of it centering around the women hosting a mob beat down of Courtney.  I have to say I was far more entertained than I usually am by this little fake show they put on before the finale every season.

Before I go too far with the props, the Bachelor Pad 3 promo was a complete snoozer, mostly because I don't even know who half of these yahoos are from a dozen seasons ago, and there's about zero chance that someone like Ali (aspiring L.A. based post-reality professional something) or Frank (still dating whatsherface) is going to show up.  It definitely wasn't worth the price of admission to see that Kasey guard and protect some random drunk chick's panties either.  And we all know my feelings on Ryan.  Fast forward.

The attempt to re-litigate Blakeley's transgressions seemed to just take up valuable air time as we waited for the real drama to show up.  Blakeley is low-A farm hand compared to Courtney's major league-ready skills.  There's no comparison.  I doubt anyone cares or even remembers much of what Blakeley contributed anyway.  All I really recall is some hideous dental work, copious makeup, and fake tits.  If anything, Blakeley had some mental stability issues.  Remember her huddled in a corner like a meth addict?  No?  It's not important.  She was all over the map, and not really worth the attention.  Worse, this discussion created an opening for Samantha and Jaclyn to start talking.  Somehow, Jaclyn found a way to get even uglier, and Samantha earned most shrill former cast member of all time status, which is truly an accomplishment given the scores of candidates.  Just think:  this was the edited version.  I can't imagine they thought going in that this nobody who did nothing on the show would have so many grievances to air.  I have to say that Brittney redeemed her otherwise useless self by deftly cutting Samantha to shreds with her "chihuahua" comment.  It was spot on and worthy of the insults bandied about in the British House of Commons.  Brittney was also the first person I can recall that admitted she had zero attraction to the lead.  Casey-with-the-boyfriend was also in that camp, but never said as much (she didn't have to).  Monica too.  You'd think they could at least come clean about that.  Not everyone is going to like the guy.


It's amazing how far Shawntel has fallen in my book.  She was pretty much one of my top two favorites from Brad's second coming, yet her need for attention (apparently to sell books?) knocks her down a few pegs.  I still don't know why they didn't just cast her as one of the 25 women instead of having her show up unannounced one day which was just amateur hour.  That had no chance of creating much compelling drama save a short-lived schism mostly perpetrated very oddly by Elyse.  If they really wanted to shake things up, she would have been there from the beginning.  I think everyone knew that trying to throw her into the mix that late in the game was going to end like an organ transplant before the era of anti-rejection drugs.  It was a little interesting to see the outright venom spewed over Shawntel.  I can't really think of anyone that is more benign that she is, yet they treated her like a malignancy.  Even showing up again, it was funny to see so many of these women unable to stop caring even many months later.  Funnier, she's skinny as a rail, yet there was non-sarcastic discussion about her weight.  Erika (I believe she was on the show at some point) clarified her "big thighs" comment:

"The point is... I don't have tiny thighs, girl."

Oh, now I get it.  Moving along...


The first serious postmortem involved Emily who, quite honestly, should have fared better.  Yes, her boobs were hanging out all over the place, but shockingly that's not where I'm going with this.  On paper, she's an A+ and Chris Harrison certified (it got awkward), but became steadily unglued over the course of the show.  Every season has its benevolent crusader for justice and truth, and that was Emily this time around.  She just couldn't stomach the duplicity anymore and felt that it was her obligation to set things right.  Of course this has a 100% chance of failure, and that record remains intact.  There's just nothing to be gained by whining about someone else.  It's weird to me how women are so shocked by how other women act, especially in an environment designed to promote conflict.  Hell, the companion to this show is Bachelor Pad which is rightfully banned in 37 countries.  She also had to know that being the house snitch is poor form and gets people shot in certain 'hoods.  For as smart as Emily seemed to be, she had very little clue about how things work on this show and sinking street cred.  Her hindsight was pretty good, though, because she certainly understood what went wrong by focusing on Courtney.  Ben exuded his own petulance by not giving her a break over it.  That "tread lightly" line still irks me.  What an entitled dick he can be at times.


It's kind of a shame that The Bachelorette is already cast because I think Nicki would have been an ideal candidate.  There's really not much to dislike, and if there's anyone that's been on this show that is absolutely dying to get married, it's her.  I could almost guarantee a wedding, and I know those are in short supply with this franchise.  Sure Emily Maynard is a swell option and all, but she's got the potential of clamming up (friendship suite?) and being much less interesting than advertised, especially with her daughter constantly hanging over things.  Nicki seems like she'd let it all hang out, and then some, and god bless her.  I know no one will care about or even remember who she is in a year, but they might want to keep her résumé on file for later.

I thought Kacie looked about as good as ever.  She obviously got too carried away and had an immature outlook, but she seemed like a different person during the interview.  You need to have a few bumps on the head here and there, which is why I never understand anyone that protects themselves as if there's that one person that will sweep them away, cure all of the ills of the world, and fart rainbows.  Kacie had that mindset, there's no doubt.  She may still.  I do know that she's going to make some lucky guy really happy at prom this spring.


Okay, here we go... Courtney.  So, let me just lay out my five cent opinion on what makes her tick.  Like anyone, Courtney is a product of her upbringing which appears to have gone awry.  Her family dotes on her and has never asked a thing of her.  She oozes entitlement.  The mean girl thing is mostly a false front and her go-to reaction to deal with conflict.  How or why that developed is anyone's guess, but something pushed her to build that wall.  She's actually fantastically adept at deflection and gaining the upper hand and knows exactly how to tweak women.  She has a carefully developed defense mechanism that allows her to avoid vulnerability and never get hurt.  Many of these women exhibit similar defenses, but none are as entrenched as they are with Courtney.  To the benefit of the show (in my mind), Courtney has a first strike policy and will attack the moment she's uncomfortable.  It's almost like she was genetically engineered to be on a show like this because she's a fine-tuned survivalist who undercuts her rivals and renders them impotent to do anything.  Not a single one of these women challenged or even put up a tiny bit of resistance to her because Courtney was so aggressive that they had no idea how to react to it. 


As effective as she is dealing with rival women, she's also honed an ability to gain sympathy from pushover guys.  The women had it about right with Courtney, but they didn't spot her any points for being a superior game player or consider the possibility that most of what she did was played up for the situation and the camera.  While I do think that she's duplicitous, it's not as though everything she displayed was her innermost genuine personality.  I think early on Courtney was playing to win, but over time you did see a dramatic shift when she started to have actual feelings and realized that she'd be held accountable for her actions. Ben was actually paying pretty close attention to how she comported herself with other people.  Actually, her willingness to go on this terribly named Women Tell All show and just let people unload on her is really interesting.  She didn't have to do this.  It seems as though it has to serve a purpose, and one possibility is to salvage an actual relationship with Ben.  Another is that she's endured a tremendous amount of negative reaction to the point where she feels the need to endure some public punishment in the hopes of gaining some sympathy.  Maybe both of these things are at play.  Or maybe they paid her a princely sum.  Whatever the reason, she barely put up a fight and did her best to act sincere.  I doubt she expected this kind of backlash, and she doesn't deserve it.  Last I checked, The Bachelor is a TV show.  It's not remotely real, and should never be mistaken as such.  Guys like Reality Steve harp incessantly about the dreaded "edit" and how we don't really know Courtney, but I think that's basically wrong.  The public has a similar opinion of her as the women who spent countless hours with her.  They align too well for the show edit to convey something grossly different.  Her show persona is probably close enough to how she was on set.  The only question is how much of it was shtick and how much was who she is.  My guess is that she's actually very normal and nice to people she cares about and not so charming to those she sees as threats.  If you're on a show where surviving week to week is the goal, I can see how that would exacerbate these traits.  Why this would cause the women to totally freak out is another matter.  Then again, they're women, so I think that's a question that neatly answers itself.  


Bringing Courtney out to atone for her sins was going to get ugly, and it lived up to it.  There were times when it looked like some kind of saline solution was welling up in her eyes.  Remember that this was four flippin' months after all of these things happened, and yet some of these women acted like the wound was still fresh and in need of a new Band-Aid.  A lot of them made complete fools of themselves, especially with this question about why Courtney wasn't a better house buddy.  If this show was called Super Epic Sorority BFFs, they might have a valid point.  It seems that every reality show that boils down to a competition for survival has this issue of friendship that comes up all the time.  People are really concerned with how friendly people are while they are on the show.  I've never quite understood that.  People audition for all kinds of reasons.  Surely Courtney was there to promote her career (especially as an aspiring actress), and I still think that's true.  And yes, she probably would have netted out better by "twisting the knife" fewer times.  But then again, would the show have been as good?  Would she have ended up in the finale?  Would that horse-face Jaclyn have gotten any more camera time?  The verve with which these women were going after her with questions left me embarrassed for them.  Sure, I think Courtney gave a tepid and unconvincing apology, but how could it possibly matter in the long run, and apologize for what?  It's been four months.  Move on with your sad lives.

"If only I had braided someone's hair, this would all be different."

Mercifully, they let Courtney leave, but not after death by a thousand tiny, obnoxious cuts.  That's reality TV royalty you're insulting, you haters.  I'll stick up for you, Courtney.  Sorta.


The final phase of the show is the "why did I get sent home" fishing expedition for closure which I basically hate.  There's just nothing to be gained here, and Ben has shown no appetite for it.  If the guy didn't want to give you a good reason then, there sure as hell isn't going to be an answer now.  I was a little surprised just how abrupt and almost cold some of the dismissals were, as with Emily, but why even dredge this up.  If someone's still broken up over it, all you can do is make it worse but trying.  It's hilarious that of all the women he could apologize to for cutting them loose he would choose Casey who actually did go home to her boyfriend.  Nice one, dummy.


Jennifer got way more camera time than anyone expected.  Not a bad thing -- she looked deliciously insane -- but it's not always a great idea to let your nuttier nutcases ramble on for too long.  Oh, and no offense to Blakeley, but why did you keep that slutty stripper over me?  I mean, would you take that tawdry whore to meet your mom?  No offense, of course.

Ben really must've been super offended by Emily throwing Courtney under the bus because he pretty much reasserted that's what killed her off.  It's probably more about him wanting to end up with the model than anything else.  I'm pretty sure I could have cut her some slack, but that's just one non-winemaker's opinion.

It's weird how gaga Nicki still is over Ben.  She gushed about how he's the best man she's ever met (100%, till she dies, etc.).  What kind of jackasses is this woman meeting in Dallas?  At least she's giving non-threatening bores all over America hope that they too can land on a reality dating show, reject a hot divorcee, and be publicly thanked for it.  I think we'll see Nicki again.  Just a hunch.  I just wish she'd get better standards.

I'm really looking forward to next week, especially After the Final Rose for the potential implosion and seismic event induced by a Courtney victory.  It really could be something special.  No, this season hasn't been without its flaws, but as Russell Crowe once famously asked:  "Are you not entertained?"  I am.  I am entertained.

The One Where Ben Sleeps with Three Women

My god, we're almost to the finish line, and not a moment too soon.  As the ladies are dismissed, this show becomes increasingly focused on Ben and his chill-bordering-on-sedated personality.  When he does talk, it's usually crappy in the moment (ITM) clips where he pretends to be talking to someone just off camera.  That's where we get those tired lines about how "incredible" everyone is and how he can totally see spending every waking second with them for the rest of his life.  As much fun as it's been watching Courtney shake Ben to death by the jugular and dismember the corpse, I think we need to get to a conclusion here soon.


Next in the queue of "perfect places to fall in love" is Interlaken, Switzerland, which is a bit of a departure from the tropical locations to which we've become accustomed.  If there are two things the Swiss are known for it's spineless neutrality and fine chocolate.  If three things, you throw in no-questions-asked banking.  Four things, and you have to consider watchmaking.  Five, and Heidi makes an appearance.  Taking it to six, and I think Roger Federer creeps into the discussion.  Beyond that it's a bit murky.  Maybe Ricola?  Cheese with holes?

Interlaken is actually a not a terrible place to film because, well, no one lives there.  The population has never topped 6,000.  At first I thought ABC just rented the city out for a week since it had an eerie Truman Show vibe to it, but knowing the Swiss, that would have required payment in bearer bonds or "six nines" gold ingots.  Interlaken is the German speaking region of Switzerland with, of all things, Portugese as the second most commonly spoken language.  I'll let you try to figure that one out because I sure can't.

Why falling in love requires locations with incredible scenery isn't immediately clear to me, though it's become a staple of this franchise.  Every season they try to one-up the previous one with more and more exotic locations and even more daring helicopter adventures.  Surely the exotic dates have a huge role in these people transitioning from acquaintances to an engaged couple in a few short weeks, but I'm curious just how much influence it actually has.  Speaking of Portuguese, could you get, say, Brazilian uberbabe Adriana Lima to fall in love with some schlep on a show like this?

The breathlessly gorgeous Lima and schlep husband Marko Jarić

Maybe that was a bad example.

Still, I think the point is valid.  How much sway do the endless string of surreal dates have over the mindsets of these people?  Wouldn't it be more telling to see if people can fall in love under more mundane circumstances?  Believe me, if Beauty and the Geek were still on, that's where I'd be focusing my literary energy.


Down to three, we have Courtney, Lindzi, and sacrificial lamb "dark horse" Nicki who Ben doesn't really even like all that much.  As if some hippie wine snob from Sonoma is going to marry a brassy goofball divorcee from Ft. Worth.  Not to say that I'm not a fan, because I am.  I honestly didn't think I'd think she was finalist material at first, but given the fatal flaws some of these women have displayed (ahem, Emily), I think you could do worse.  The problem is that Nicki is the kind of girl that would be easily distracted by loud noises and shiny objects, and flummoxed by setting the clock on her oven.  But in the plus column, she has all the hallmarks of a fiercely loyal partner and of course cleans up nicely.  Regardless of any of her positives, she and Ben are about as compatible as VHS and Beta, so they'd might as well get this over with, but not before some pre-dismissal sexy time.  Sorry, that's how this show works.  Read the contract.  It's right there next to the "no brown M&M's" clause.


The only thing Ben needs to endure before they hit the sheets is some pseudo-serious discussion about their hypothetical future together, should the winner and runner-up be unable to fulfill their duties.  Nicki, of course, has already started to measure the drapes for their new imaginary pad in Sausalito while Ben insists that none of this is too much too soon.  Suspecting that Nicki envisions a gaggle of kids and hoping to artificially prolong the suspense, Ben responds that he and his sister both want four, which has most of us uncomfortably wondering why Julia isn't in the top three.  Nicki only wants two kids anyway, weirdo.


Turns out the Chris Harrison-approved "fantasy suite" is in an entirely different building from the one where they ate dinner, which seemed perfectly serviceable for fantasy-related activities.  You have to love the excess.  The chalet did have a hot tub, and far better camera angles than the log cabin.  Seeing Nicki just throw herself at Ben makes you wonder if she's just lacking the gene that codes for the need for reciprocated feelings.  I've never seen someone offer less of themselves and get the kind of benefits he's reaping.  It's just unbelievable.  He even tagged Jennifer Love Hewitt with minimal effort.  I know that's probably not the grand conquest it once was, but still I officially hate this guy.


Lindzi has been difficult to figure out.  At first I didn't really find her all that impressive.  The horse thing just seemed a little much for me.  Then I felt like she was a clear favorite after her one-on-one date at the speakeasy.  I've been going back and forth ever since.  She's attractive, obviously, but there's something a little off about her personality.  She's so unsure of herself and has these strange expressions all the time like she's expecting rejection at any moment.

Yes, Lindzi, you're through to the finals.

For weeks now, I've felt like I've seen this kind of thing before, and then it suddenly hit me:  Lindzi is channeling Laura Dern's equine-obsessed character "Diana" from the movie Mask. While Diana was shy and apprehensive because she was, well, blind, Lindzi is shy, apprehensive, and occasionally plain weird because she was once welcomed to Dumpsville, population one.

Lindzi and Ben sharing a tender moment in the Alpine foothills.

Following a very trite and totally played out "adventure date" down 100 meters of rope, Ben and Lindzi hit their own hot tub  where Lindzi suggested that the "ice queen" (her pet name for herself) was melting.  I'm certainly no expert on what it takes to win this game, but I would think that was a serious unforced error.  Even if you are an ice queen, or even just a little frosty at times, it's probably best not to call yourself that, or to suggest in any way that you're a bad lay.  I still can't get over a 27 year old woman who has had one serious relationship.  How is it possible to look like that and have one guy she's had any significant history with?  She also mentioned that putting up walls "works" for her.  Maybe "dry ice queen" is more accurate.  This sex card deal is going to be awkward for sure.

Whoa.  Or not.

Because the pungent stench of merlot, Lady Stetson, and coitus still permeates the prior fantasy suite, the producers hook these two up with a fresh version.  It's a good thing that Interlaken is the unofficial fantasy suite capital of Western Europe.  I read that in Fordor's.


I think we just assume that every stay in the fantasy suite results in sex, but we don't really know for sure.  When The Women Tell All, "All" doesn't seem to include this information.  We do know, for example, that Brad had his way with Chantal O'Brien (mostly her prodigious mammaries) because Emily said as much on national TV.  We also know that Emily remained solemnly chaste during her visit to the romper room, or so she claims.  (It'll be interesting if that's how she plays it during her run as The Bachelorette.  If so, booooo.)  I think the point is that you don't have to give it up to be successful.  In fact, it might save you a fair amount of self-loathing and ridicule in the long run.


Finally, the champ arrives to show everyone how things are done.  You can tell Ben is serious about Courtney because he'd never wear something like a fruity bow tie for his model girlfriend.  Oh hell no.  That's saved for the also-rans.  

I haven't entirely figured out the most current mix of game-playing versus actual emotion from Courtney, but I think she might be deluding herself into thinking that ABC will just fly the two of them around in perpetuity:

"This is what it'd be like.. our life.  Traveling together, and.. it's exciting."

Yep, that's how it's going to be when the show is over.  You can tell she's a student of history because all of the former couples have done nothing but jetset around the globe on ABC's dime.  I don't think Ben has any illusions of finding a wife out of this, but if he did, it might have been a good idea to pick someone that isn't used to this sort of thing, especially as part of their career.  It's going to take a whole lot of Envolve wine selling to keep this sort of thing going.  Courtney dated the lead guy from Entourage.  Ben starred as "Storm Horse" in a video called "Cream Dream."


Wengen must be German for "ghost town," because just about every scene looks like this:

Totally strange.  Did ABC tell everyone to beat it?  Is no one driving the train?  How are you going to get any dang cheese in this town?


Wisely, the staff  sets Ben up on his date with Courtney in a fully stocked wine cellar.  Courtney has had a glass of red perpetually affixed to her hand throughout the entire show, and in order to close this deal he's going to need reinforcements.


Usually when women start pouring their heart out about their insecurities, it's a bad thing.  Actually, a terrible thing.  It's almost always a one-way ticket home.  But not for Courtney.  Not only does she have admitted trust issues with men, but women too.  Basically, she trusts no one.  She's probably also skeptical of most pets and even some houseplants.  If you've never seen a guy talk himself into a girl, witness Ben carelessly dismissing every obvious warning sign possible.  Hey, the constant hair touching alone would drive me insane.  At least they can agree that "there's more good than bad," which has to be the very definition of settling.  I suppose Ben thinks Courtney is just too hot to turn down, but is she really?  This isn't exactly Miranda Kerr here.  She makes a better insult comic than model.  Even if Ben's not looking for Mrs. Fjordnik or whatever, I don't really get it.  Courtney is tapping into something very revealing about Ben's inner psyche, and should he choose to forgo his individual dignity, he should use the next episode to act like a moron on national TV because we are fresh out of fantasy suites.


Usually I'm all for some cast off coming back to plead for a second chance, but the past few versions of this have me rethinking it as an interesting plot device.  Ryan the "solar energy executive" and repressed gay man was the last person mixed up in this sort of thing, and it was so poorly executed and forced that the whole concept needed to be placed in more capable hands.  The lead has to at least give a shit about the person coming back.  I do believe there was a time when Ben liked Kacie, but after learning that her dad was Glenn Beck and that she was pretty hardcore into baton twirling, I think his emotions turned from like to pity.  Kacie is just too immature for any of this, and that's at least as big of a hurdle to overcome as Ryan being overtly gay.  Regardless, some genius at Next Entertainment decided it would be interesting to send Kacie all the way from Tennessee to Switzerland just to ask why she was sent home.  I hope she at least got a two week European vacation out of that because there is no way she should have agreed to that humiliation.  Maybe this was a teaser promo for Kacie's Super Sweet 16?  She has no shot at being The Bachelorette, so I don't really get it.


Well, sure, there was yet another warning for Ben to watch out for Courtney, but he's far too invested and prideful to take anything dumb Kacie has to say at face value.  She also didn't exactly lay out the most compelling argument.  Relaying that she once said there are "other fish in the sea" isn't really much of a smoking gun.  Still, there is a pretty complete mosaic of evidence building that suggests the model might be using this as the ultimate showcase rather than a chance to date some average looking bore.  As Harrison noted, the wheels are turning in Ben's head, but they have the distinct sound of being hamster-driven rather than that of a V12 diesel engine.


While I, for one, wouldn't have kicked Nicki to the curb, I think we can all agree that Ben wasn't really digging her vibe all that much.  Had Ben had an actual choice, I think Courtney could have been cut at this point, but she showed enough fake contrition to stick around.  Her game has been a little off once the field narrowed as it became more about one-on-one interactions than just looking better than everyone else.  Courtney's not as much of an ass-kicker down the stretch, but I think she can hold off the horse whisperer.  The best possible outcome for this show is for Courtney to not only win, but rub everyone's nose in it.  The cherry on top would be for her to tell Ben that she duped him and pulled off the greatest feat in reality show history.  I'm pretty sure that's asking for too much, though.


Word is that Courtney will be on The Women Tell All which could make for an entertaining show.  Usually these things are pretty terrible, but I like this potential twist.  There really isn't anyone that I care to hear from in the rear view.  Maybe Jenna will announce that she's contestant #1 on Bachelor Pad 3 or that she's never made a dime from blogging.  Neither of these would be surprising.


The real fun is going to be After the Final Rose.  Could be a real doozy this season if Courtney runs out the clock.  If only we could somehow harness the estrogen-fueled Facebook/Twitter outrage that will invariably result.  It could probably power Zermatt's endless ski lifts for 100,000 years.