The Pad is Back!

Thankfully, we're done with Ashley and can focus on more important things, like whether Vienna has exophthalmia, how many pounds of muscle Kasey really added in the off season, how many kilograms of collagen are in Erica's lips, and why anyone even thought to invite Melissa.  There were moments during The Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons when I'd make comments about how "real" the shows were, or ponder the extent to which things were manipulated by the production team.  Might as well throw all of that serious-ish discussion out the window.  It's all phony, it's all played up for the camera, and there will be no holding back from me.  There have been times when I've felt compassion for some of the players on these shows, but this is different.  To wit: you have a single mom, Ella, whose mother was shot to death by her step dad when she was a young girl.  She's apparently in this to win money for her son so that they can live together in a quaint little house on some non-descript country lane.  Sure thing.  If you're going to whore yourself out on a show for money, by definition you've lost the sympathy angle.  The whole concept is kind of gross.  I'm forced to take everything you say to be complete BS.  Sorry, Ella.  I'm sure you're a lovely person, that is, if I could remember who the hell you are.

The second iteration of Pad seems to be working the "nemesis" angle pretty hard.  Vienna has Jake.  Michael has Holly (sort of).  Jackie has Michelle.  Blake has gingivitis.  Ames has his battles with being a functioning human.  Overall, I think they did a decent job with the cast, but some of these people are so far in the rear view mirror that even I as an expert have a hard time remembering them.  Apparently I'm not alone either:

"Ladies and gentlemen:  The role of 'Melissa' will be played by Michelle Money."

Gia is the only person they brought back from the first Pad, and I'm already bored with her.  C'mon, you can't be on this show twice.  You definitely can't be on this show after calling that dolt Wes "the modern Shakespeare, only better!"  I'm willing to bet Gia has never even read the Cliff's Notes to Henry V.  She's terrific to look at, don't get me wrong, but the second she starts in with that strange baby talk, I start thinking about doing some laundry or vacuuming the stairs.

"Rated-R" is also losing his luster.  He left Ali's season with a clumsy whimper, and his status as a diabolical mastermind has always worked much better on paper than it has on TV.  He's done too many reality shows to be much of a wildcard anymore.  Sure he breaks hearts in Toronto, but he's better known for breaking his leg and gimping around the set.  He also got busted by Facebook, of all things.  Some mastermind.   Fortunately, he's not long for this show, and I think we're all better off as a result.

I still find it funny that ABC pitches this show as being a "quest for love" for the cast-offs from prior Bachelor(ette) seasons.  Who the hell is buying that?  Most of these people get in front of the camera and state unequivocally that they will do anything to win the money.  (I don't even want to know what that blowup doll Erica meant by that.)  The rest just haven't had the chance yet.  Actually, I take that back.  Ames is probably there to find love.

So what are we getting out of this season?  Hopefully some real drama and a lot of going off script.  The control freak puppet masters that run The Bachelor series probably think they can write drama better than these psychos can bring it on their own fueled by insomnia and alcohol, but they're wrong.  Just release them into the wild and let the magic happen.  I pray that's what they do, but we all know better.  This is going to be a weird mix of production and honest batshit.  I hope the latter wins out, but we'll see.  

I suppose they want us to get all worked up over Erica and her entitled attitude, but she's recently been on a reality show called You're Cut Off! where VH1 pretended to revoke trust funds to see how spoiled rich girls would react.  What you're getting here is a well-honed act and one not really worthy of your time.  Walking into the room, she (and her tiara) barely registered a blip on anyone's radar.  Even the crazies are tired of her already.  I know what you're thinking:  I've seen this chick before.  Here you go.

I like that aspiring Hydrolyze® spokesmodel Vienna is already crying right out of the limo.  There's a woman who is genuinely insane.  In fact, her phony permasmile should be featured in clinical psychology textbooks.  I still think it's hilarious that Jake proposed to her.  The other women where nearly apoplectic about it, and of course they were right.  I like what's brewing here.  She's of course dating dopey Kasey who has been training Dark Knight-style for a bare knuckle brawl with Jake, so hopefully that will come to fruition.

The challenges give this show a Double Dare physical challenge kind of feel, with Harrison standing in for Marc Summers.  I don't think they thought this harness thing through.  Some of the guys' legs were turning a deep shade of purple near the end.  Someone could have lost a limb back there.  I don't know if that's the kind of drama I had in mind.  It was good to see William suck at yet another challenge, but this time it was his tiny girl arms that did him in.  I really thought the wrassler was going to win this thing given that he spends most of his time in a gym, but it came down to Team Guard and Protect versus Jake and his meditation grip of death.  In reality, this was a test of sciatic nerve integrity.  Kasey gave up after he couldn't feel his legs which is probably a good time to let go.  Vienna of course blamed him for not caring enough.  I love how this is shaping up already.  She seems really reasonable and super stable.

Amesbot has inexplicably already interfaced with Jackie in what I can only imagine is an act of philanthropy on her part.  She's much too nice to tell him to go away.  As a criterion of the Turing test, Amesbot has to endure a period of time without his host to see if machines are indeed capable of feeling jealousy.  It's been a while since we've seen Jake and I forgot what a cheeseball this guy is.  He lives his life as if there's a camera following him around constantly and is a little too quick with glib lines that would make car salesmen jealous.  His date with Jackie was largely spent trying to convince her what a great guy he is and how Vienna tore out his still-beating heart.  After watching that pathetic display, it's obvious how hung up he still is, not necessarily with Vienna, but with the idea that America thinks he's a bad guy.  Well, not everyone thinks Jake's a loser.  He seems to have the pudgy third grader demographic wrapped up.  I'll admit that was sorta sweet, even if they had to explain to her who Jackie Gordon is.  Jackie is still one of my favorites and would have made a good Bachelorette over the dentist.  I'll be bitter about that for years.

So there's a rose to hand out, and if you had doubts about Jake's lack of tactical skills and common sense, there should be no mystery after he decided to give a rose to Vienna.  This was such a stupid maneuver that I'm still not positive it wasn't scripted.  Had to be, right?  No one would make that move willingly.  The show is entirely built around Jake and Vienna, so they really really want to keep them around, and this certainly helps.  Gia decided that giving the rose to Vienna was tantamount to irreversible betrayal and sobbed right on cue.  What a waste of hotness she is.  I can see why Carl Pavano dumped her.  I can't endorse him ditching Alyssa Milano, though.  That was stupid.

Jake's need to be redeemed gets squarely in the way of good TV.  No one really cares whether he's seen as a good guy, and really all that little display did was make him look like someone who is still pining over a psycho.  Nothing he does makes any sense to me.  While Jake sat back self-satisfied, Kasey and Vienna openly mocked him and retired to their room for some grainy security camera sex.  Well played, Jake.

Every reality show where people get voted off is necessarily an homage to the original Survivor where Richard Hatch introduced the world to a hairy naked gay guy on national TV, oh and the idea of forming alliances.  Honestly, nothing has significantly changed in reality show alliance technology in the 11 years since, and this is probably why I don't watch Survivor or its facsimiles like Big Brother anymore.  Seeing who can form the best alliance isn't that interesting to me.  I think there are better engines of drama.

The great thing about Kasey is how deadly serious the man is about mindless bullshit.  The word "integrity" inexplicably showed up during discussions of strategy which was some high comedy.  I haven't been counting, but I think Kasey has said "protect" about 25 times which is exactly what I was hoping for.  We're going to need this level of commitment from him.  Fifty years from now, this guy will still have that horrendous tattoo on his wrist, and he'll have to recount that story about 11 studs all fighting for the heart of a woman that couldn't have cared less about him.  With judgment like that, you know this thing with Vienna is going places.

Absolutely one cares about Alli leaving, and even having been on two ABC shows now, an equal number of people will remember her.  The only thing we learned from her is that women will cry over anything in that limo.  I think Justin was targeted because of his (undeserved) reputation of being a manipulator.  This is exactly the kind of guy you keep around because he's actually pretty easy to read.  And he never did get that swim.  Knocking off Kasey was the right move tactically speaking (trust me, Ames ran the numbers), but people got too wrapped up in Justin's image to think about things correctly.  I find this whole "Kasey the Jedi genius master" to be worth a good laugh.  It's difficult to be in awe of anyone that has to ask their girlfriend for permission to do things:

I don't know who wins, and frankly, I don't really care.  Others can worry about the strategy if that's your deal.  Just give me some emotional rollercoastering and I'll be happy.  One thing that really bugged me about Ashley's show was her slavish adherence to the storyline and refusal to act like a normal person on camera.  I think we need to purge the bad memories of what happened there and start over again.  Together, we can get back to that happy place.

The Chrystie Corns LOOK AT ME Extravaganza

They said it couldn't be done.  They said "no chance you'll finish blogging about this disaster."  "It'll ruin you," they told me.  But here I am, bitches.

From the first episode, the question on everyone's mind has been "how will Ashley dispose of the other guys not named J.P.?"  It's been quite a ride filled with inevitability, uncomfortable moments, staged circumstances, and feigned outrage.  Just as trials are won and lost in jury selection, this season was lost when all of the much more interesting candidates fled the scene leaving the diminutive dentist-to-be as the remaining option for Bachelorette 7 and The Deathly Hallows.  Unfortunately, the script for this version was also lacking despite a proven template and most of the dialogue lifted from seasons past.  If you haven't been following along this time through, you might want to wait 20 seasons for the Christopher Nolan reboot.  By that point, Amesbot will be fully functional and Bentley will return in an alternate ending that will be one of the most talked about moments in director's cut Bachelorette history.

Until then, let's pick at the scraps of carcass until only the marrow is left.

Last we left Ashley, she had the dilemma of begging the very dopey Constantine to stay, or welcoming back that creepy stalker Ryan who smiles at inappropriate times.  Clearly these are the options of a highly desirable woman.  Remember back when Ali had these problems?  Or when DeAnna was totally in these same shoes?  Hahaha... yeah, it seems like this happens never out of seven times this show has aired.  Going into the finale, Ashley had the enviable task of choosing from the two guys that decided not to leave on their own.  At the start of this week's episode, Ashley sets up the scene:  will she pick Ben who she is comfortable with, or J.P. with whom she is madly in love?  I'm on pins and needles already.

I don't know when it happened, but at some point the big shots at ABC/Next Entertainment decided to hire Ashley's sister, Chrystie Corns, as the white noise generator for the finale.  Now, Chrystie (there should be a law against this spelling) isn't an unknown per se.  As I've pointed out, she is an extreme couponer who has been featured on TLC, a local TV host, and a general attention whore with obvious untreated adult-onset ADHD.  Since it's customary for the final two to meet the lead's family, Chrystie was going to be in the mix anyhow, so why not get her on board to throw off the scent?  The conversation allegedly went something like this:

Fleiss:  "Chrystie, we've got a proposition for..."

Corns:  "I'll do it!"

Of course the original plan was a simple 11th hour red herring with a brief cameo, but Chrystie insisted upon making the finale her breakout performance in a leading role.  To say that she was a little out of control is like saying Fukushima was a little melting down.  The best part of the whole thing was that they only had to compensate her in cigarettes and Popov Vodka.

Meanwhile, Ashley's mom, who is a spitting image of Chrystie 30 years in the future, was barely noticeable, and of course her brother and step-father were too busy exhibiting traits characteristic of Y chromosomes to be a factor.  What Ashley's brother lacked in verbosity he made up for in sweat.  I've never seen anyone perspire so much doing absolutely nothing (fat people eating is a close second), and thanks to some fancy camera work and expert editing, we didn't miss a thing.  We truly are living in the gilded age if siblings are flown on location just to get heat stroke on camera.

Conversely, J.P. has no such issues because he's sporting a stubbly dome.  I honestly have no idea why he does this.  You have the whole of your 40s and beyond to be bald.  Maybe more.  It's like thumbing your nose at god.

J.P. acted like any guy would meeting a girl's family for the first time.  He was cordial, respectful, affable, talkative... all of those things.  The problem for him is that he didn't read the script which called for a mid-30s, bitter, divorced sister exhibiting 6 of 9 criteria of borderline personality disorder to make it look as though he was unfit to date Ashley.  Based on his bar mitzvah picture alone, J.P. appears to be a guy who is used to getting what he wants, so to have not charmed the elder sibling sent our hero into something of a tailspin.  While I'm not against having the kid work for it, I could have done without Chrystie enriching her own "logical" ego at the expense of the happy couple.  I think I knew this was all choreographed when the sticking point became the absence of yucks.  It just didn't jibe with the humorless family dynamic they had working.   And really, who the hell can evaluate someone, with any authority, after a dozen or so minutes at a picnic in Fiji?  I find it particularly difficult to assess hilarity in many of the islands in the South Pacific.

The comedy inquisition generated this little nugget:

Ashley:  "I think I'm funnier than you."

J.P.:  [flustered, almost ticked off] "That wasn't the question!"

Which showed that Chrystie's plan was actually working on some level.  Even Ashley's mom chimed in saying that she thought Ashley was more gaga over Brad.  Brad?!?  Yeah, and he was just a barrel of laughs, that guy.  This whole quest for a funny man reached the absurd quickly, and no one watching was really buying it.  At least I hope not.

"I'm looking at logistics," Chrystie pleaded (which itself was actually kind of funny).  Ashley was reduced to tears and played every bit the younger sister who was used to having her older sister steal her Barbies and cut off all their hair.  She did have a good point about the 54 year old J.P. wanting to date the 17 year old Ashley.  That'd be just creepy and wrong.  Turns out Chrystie and J.P. are actually about the same age which almost amounts to a special brand of self-loathing.  None of it really made much sense, but for whatever reason Ashley kind of kept up the theme when she was alone with J.P. and kept him a bit off balance.  So for 10 episodes she's basically ready to carry his child and now she's showing some restraint?  Just seems a little late to play this game.  I think mom's line about her being into Brad was my tipping point.

If Chrystie wants ABC to give her a show, she should audition for it on her own time.  No one wants to watch an extreme judgmental couponer for two hours.  Take your act to Lifetime or Oxygen or Oprah's soon to be defunct network.  See, there are literally three outlets for this brand of entertainment.  I could see an interview with Gayle King where they talk about how to liberate CVS of their fanciest shampoos using the power of couponing.

How meeting the family turned into a "who can make the best dog voice" or "who can be the zaniest" contest is beyond me.  From the outtakes, we know that Ashley is a certified goofball at times, but it's not like Ben is Henny Youngman here.  This show has devolved into convincing Ashley's sister that they can crack one-liners in a convincing fashion.

After seeing the 10th helicopter tour, I think we've hit the helicopter quota for this season, maybe the next three.  Ashley started off scared to fly last season, and now she can probably pilot the damn thing.  "Helicopter tour" is definitely showing up in the official drinking game next time.  I didn't expect mud bathing to make an appearance, so kudos for something fresh.  I can't imagine anyone deciding on Fiji for the mud bath experience, though.

Ben finally followed through with "the whole I love you thing," but not before making it drawn out and awkward.  A consistent theme has been his hang ups about expressing affection, and this didn't really help his image there.  Also keep in mind that he didn't have a homemade gift for her like a map or a poem.  Had he spent $10 at Archiver's, this might have gone very differently.

J.P. didn't make the same mistake and came armed with a fancy basket containing a book and beach photo.  But remember, Ben is better at high-pitched dog voices.  So, it was kind of a toss up at that point.  The problem for Ben, though, is that, in the history of relationships on this earth, "comfortable" has never meant anything positive.  In fact, Ben got slapped with the dreaded "comfortable" and "easy" more times than I can remember.  Comfortable is fine if you're describing a memory foam pillow or a plate of pasta.  If I were Ben, I would have asked for some clarity there.

I keep wondering how Neil Lane got to be the official jeweler of The Bachelorette?  Was there a bidding war?  Was Zales even invited?  That Prestige Diamond Collection they've got is nothing to sneeze at.  Imagine being presented with a half million worth of engagement rings and being asked to pick one.  Pretty good problem to have, I think.  I've always wondered if they were sized right the first time.  Ben was "stoked" to give Ashley a $100k ring.  "Stoked."  I have no idea how J.P. felt about it, but presumably he was something other than "stoked."  All the clues were there, folks.  You just had to pay attention.

For their last appearance, Ben is decked out in Armani.  J.P. is wearing the "Reservoir Dogs" collection by Tarantino.  Ashley opts for a full length version of Björk's infamous swan dress.  Everyone is looking great, with the possible exception of Chris Harrison and his white tie.  Is this some kind of obscure symbolism?  Fijian custom?  I wasn't sure.  I also have a hard time with Harrison's presence at the final rose ceremony for The Bachelorette.  It's not like guys need to be escorted by another guy.  It's strange, confusing, and I want the practice discontinued.  The ultimate dream is losing Harrison entirely, and I think this could be the gateway to making that happen.  No one should be allowed to milk that gig for this long.  He's even got the Verizon guy beat.

Even though we all knew Ben was getting the hook, this was one of the more difficult executions to watch.  The guy just got over whatever insecurity he had about "that I love you thing" and even invoked the image of his dead father before stepping up to the plate.  I suppose you could argue he should have seen this coming, and I'd agree, but boy was this brutal. I'm still debating whether he actually realized Ashley was about to whack him before he proposed and just said to hell with it... I'm here, let's do this.  Her face couldn't have been more clear that it was doomsday.  Once he got down on one knee, I just kept staring at his crazy hair that lost a short battle with the heat and wind.  Another point for keeping things shaved, I guess.

"You're not going to say yes, are you..."

Ashley's runner-up speech needed some work:

"I want you to know that this is the hardest thing that I've done... here."  

As in, on Fiji?  I was a little confused.  Not having a fiver for the valet can be a little embarrassing, I guess.  She kept digging:

"You are one of the most interesting... smartest, funniest..."  

A list of positive traits doesn't start with "interesting" followed by a dramatic pause.  It just doesn't.   Maybe they have to start working on contingencies for situations where someone just wins early.  Ben was barely registering a blip by the end of this puppy, and Ashley was so checked out that she had trouble even building a list of empty platitudes for the guy.  Ben got the kind of send off you see in week 3.  He didn't exactly do himself proud with the snarky "I'm sure you'll have a nice life together."  I'll bet he doesn't even care if they have a nice life together.  In fact, he's probably wishing for their demise.  Ben's a student of the slash and burn breakup school, and maybe that's the right way to do it.  At least in theory.  He sure seemed to be carrying some resentment in the After the Final Rose segment.  Maybe the lesson for all of you hopeless romantics out there is to be a little more in tune with how the other person is acting.  Ashley's not that good at hiding her emotions.  In fact, she was pretty terrible at it.  The only reasonable conclusion is to blame Ben for being clueless.  Sorry, Ben.  You weren't alone, though.  I'd talk to Ryan for more information on this condition.

I'm glad that Ben was "the most vulnerable he's been with anybody" there, but this isn't a contest to see who can be the least vulnerable and still get the girl.  I think he missed that chapter in the manual.  It's not like you have to be over the top, but I don't know a lot of healthy relationships that started with the claim that they were just now emotionally available.  Sure Ben had other problems, namely that Ashley just liked J.P. better, but there were some fixable issues there.  I think the single worst question to ask someone is if you could have done something different to influence the outcome.  That's just desperate and weak.  Take it from me, kids:  never ask that question.  Ever.

Seeing J.P. and Ashley together, they seem to have a good shot to stick it out.  I do think that J.P. will be a lot more assertive and less smiley over time, but I'd put some money on them actually getting married... to each other even.  And if not, there's plenty of former contestants to hook up with.  Some of them have made a career out of it.

I guess the only question remaining is who the next Bachelor will be, and I guess we have to include Ben in the running, but I just find him to be a weak choice.  There's only so much wine talk America can handle, and like the recently retired Randy Moss, Ben takes plays off.  He disappears for stretches of time.  I'd rather cast Ames as kind of a sick experiment to see what happens.  If any of these guys is dating someone, all bets are off.  There are rumors that Ames is with Jackie and that Ben was actually seeing mousey Britt.  That doesn't leave much.  I just hope Ryan isn't on their radar.  I think (and want to believe) that most of sane America wants no part of Ryan and his book of fabulous questions.  Might be time to purge the list and start from scratch again.

As for Bachelor Pad 2, I'm in if you are, and I know you are.  From what I've seen so far, things look excellent.  I'd probably watch anything with Kasey (and his 11 studs) in it.  I think he may have been lobotomized at some point.  Everything else on that show is just bonus to me.  Seeing the dentist lay waste should be good too.  Can you imagine getting your teeth cleaned by Blake after all that?  I'm still waiting for a field report from one of his patients.

"You're the only one that understands me, Amesbot."

And with that, we tie a bow on yet another epic journey that started in L.A. and ended in some exotic location.  We'll do it again in the fall, and this time I'll probably even enjoy the process.  Feel free to leave comments here, on Facebook, or email us at realepicjourney@gmail.com.  

Until then, may all of your helicopter tours be scenic and your Chinese lanterns be un-peed on.

A Two Hour Bachelor Pad 2 Promo Featuring Bachelorette Cast-Offs

I don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to Bachelor Pad 2.  I really need to wash this taste of Ashley out of my mouth.

Bachelor Pad 2 is shaping up to be The Battle for Bawling Supremacy. That should easily come down to Gia vs. Vienna, and maybe that other ugly blonde that I can't remember the name of off hand.  I weawwy wike Gia to emewge victowious thewe. It's funny to see Blake DDS drawing this kind of ire from the women. He couldn't have been more innocuous before this, yet now he's hitting on anything that moves. They even called him a "sociopath."  Must be his incessant need to grin at everyone with that smile courtesy of Invisalign. See? I told you dentists were weird.

Yeah, we've all been there, Tim. And by "there" I mean been blackout drunk on national television.  I'm sure you're not an alcoholic or anything.  Chris, like 95% of the English-speaking population, misuses the word "irony" suggesting that it's somehow "ironic" that Tim was drunk and a liquor distributor.  I'd say that's perfectly appropriate, Chris.  Tim sure talked a lot for a guy that was on the show for about 10 minutes.  I was amazed how little the alcohol affected his speech.

"Easily one of the most talked-about people ever on the show..." Oh shut up about this already. First, no one bought into the idea that Jeff actually devised this mask stunt himself. Second, he was a complete bore and might as well been invisible save the little Phantom segues you predictably worked into each episode. Third, absolutely no one talked about this guy. There are times when the producers play the puppet master and things work out beautifully. This is not one of those times. Chalk it up as a loss and move on, and stop with this revisionist history already. You're embarrassing yourselves here.  Did anyone see those online clips of Jeff in "Ask the Mask?"  No?  Good.  Don't bother, well, unless you want to see a 35 year old guy with a crooked hat talking about "getting your mums on" when asked about planting flowers.  Then by all means watch.

Ashley seems to still not have figured out Bentley.  She's also shocked that "America" was so hard on her over it, to the point of real tears.  The thing that confused me was that she surely has met guys like this before. How could she be so clueless about some idiot running game the entire time?  Nice radar you've got there.  Even in hindsight she's still clinging to this notion of seeing the good in him. Well, it's a good thing she ended up with a couple of yes-men instead of someone that challenges her. I'd hate to see her overheat that brain.

I loved Ryan blathering on and looking back at the guys in a "am I right?" moment only to have them looking at him like he had three heads. Some things are played up to look different than they are, but this didn't need any fancy editing.  Ryan's straight up odd.  Still not convinced?  This is how he responded to Blake questioning his behavior after being let go:

"Going into the show, I actually bought multiple books. Umm, I bought a book on questions to ask before getting engaged, questions to ask before getting married, and book of fabulous (!) questions. Read 'em cover to cover. Made pages upon pages of notes. And Nick will back me up on this, and so will Ben C. Pages on pages of notes so when I sat down with her I'm asking some questions to her about family, lifestyle, you know.. I mean.. the deepest of questions. So, my time with her -- I don't know what yours was -- but mine was very, very real."

"Wait... you bought books?"

Looks to me like someone lost any shot they've got to be the next Bachelor.  All he had to do was sit in that seat for five minutes and not be a total weirdo.  I guess that was asking too much.  That was a trainwreck, and not the good kind.  It was a toxic gas leak at an elementary school kind of trainwreck. Good riddance, Ryan. I hope you're better at being a solar energy executive than you are at talking to humans.

Ben C. vs. William was boring. The Chin vs. The Flop. I don't care if Ben was perfecting his match.com profile, nor do I care if William is aware that he's unfunny.  Then again, there isn't much else to explore since Bentley was a no-show, so I guess we're stuck with this for 90 minutes.

William saying "so gorgeous, so used" even makes me cringe, and I'm a cynical bastard.  His exit was the flame out of the century.  I was at least entertained.

I never would have expected it, but Nick is going for MVP of The Men Tell All. 

Ames confirmed that he's the product of a lab experiment gone awry, but in a good way.  Kind of like when that guy from 3M discovered the residue-free adhesive for Post-it® Notes.  At first he was like "oh shit, what's this?"  Then he realized, "wait a minute, I could make millions by putting this on some yellow square pieces of paper and selling it at Office Depot."  Seldom do you see someone on TV and feel like that's exactly how they are in real life, but I think that's the case with him. I don't know if being on Bachelor Pad 2 precludes him from being on The Bachelor or what (the timing shouldn't be an issue as they haven't selected anyone yet, and Pad 2 has already wrapped), but he (still) seems like the obvious choice to me.  Maybe he's still with Jackie.  I find that nearly impossible to believe, but if so, that would exclude him.

Big shock: no Bentley. Of course that didn't stop them from acting like he'd be there.. complete with promo clips that people hadn't seen before, somehow implying that he was making these comments on this show. Dumb.  Even now, I'm still not sure what Bentley's "plan" was.  Had he carried things out to the end, that would have been some ground-breaking reality TV.  Leaving a few episodes in just left us asking what could have been.  Can you imagine Bentley vs. J.P. in the finals?  How good would that have been?  I'm finding myself getting a little mad just thinking about the lost opportunity.  It could have been special, folks.