That Was A Clown Episode, Bro

What an interesting episode this week.  No, the outcome wasn't really in doubt, but it was fascinating to see all of the novel ways in which guys could make asses of themselves on TV.  I have to assume that most of what we saw was real because it would be impossible to script something this horrendous and film it.

Let's start off with the forced drama regarding the bizarre love triangle of Arie, Emily, and Cassie.  Hoo boy, did they ever play this one up.  Some of you might have even read US Weekly's stupid-as-hell claim that Emily learned about Arie and Cassie sharing coffee ten years ago and dropping him "right then and there."  Sure.  I liked the angle of ABC showing us a bit of raw footage and addressing this thing, but in the end, all it did was raise more questions.  And did anyone really buy that cameras weren't rolling during the real discussion among these three?  I'm sure someone out there did.  Why that wouldn't have been thrown in is a mystery to me.  They invented this drama, and to not milk it for all that its worth is puzzling.

In case you're unclear about what to make of this, let me help you out.  Cassie has known Arie for many years.  She's been looking for an opportunity to cast Arie on the show and felt this season was ideal.  This should tell you all you need to know about the casting process.  Sorry, it's not exactly the hand-selected batch with Emily's eternal happiness in mind.  Usually it just ends up being guys that walk through the door and/or old entries in the staffs' little black books.   Personally, I don't buy the idea that Arie lobbied to be on the show.  His racing career peaked about five years ago and wasn't all that promising even then.  Nepotism only gets you so far in sports.  Eventually you have to display some talent.  Unfortunately, Arie Jr. isn't quite the racing prodigy dad was.

We did learn a good deal about Emily and her entitlement issues.  How DARE they cast someone on the show that a producer knew.  She was so worked up about it, they even had a special one-on-one date planned exclusively to showcase her passive-aggressive behavior.  There's nothing like watching a date where the chick is stewing about something and throwing out mildly leading questions in the hopes that the guy will magically pick up on it and address it.  Jesus, just ask him about it already.  Emily turns this into some test of "loyalty" and "honesty," meanwhile she's dating six guys simultaneously and hasn't made one mention of her perky new store-bought breasts.  Or fancy new nose.  Or those tasty veneers.  Whole lotta hypocrisy here.

Certainly, Arie was told by the producers to avoid the whole Cassie gambit from day one.  "We got this.  We'll tell her."  It must've come as quite a shock to him when he realized that they didn't handle it.  Emily insisted that it would have been better to learn about it day one, but it's pretty clear now that would have been a horrible idea.  I suppose we can debate whether the producers intentionally brought in Arie knowing this would be an interesting train wreck down the line, but that would be giving them too much credit.  To wit, Cassie's word salad during her conversation with Emily:

"But I don't think he's hiding that he knows me.  We've been very corg[dial?].. like full, it's not like, but we're asking, at first something too, like, it's been so long we don't really know each other that well.  It's like.. I haven't, in ten years we've seen each other like twice?"

Holy Christ, what the hell was that?  Yes, I typed that verbatim.

If Arie does get the hook at some point (I still see no evidence of this), knowing Cassie won't be the reason.  Emily knows there wasn't anything to get bent out of shape over, and it's clear that the producers hung him out to dry saying they'd handle it with Emily.  I have a hard time believing she'd hold that against him.  Mostly, though, I have no faith that she likes Jef or Sean more.  As for Chris, I think she's deathly afraid of that guy going off his meds.

So yeah, Prague.  By now we're not even pretending that Emily has this magical encyclopedic knowledge of Europe as she's seen toting around a Let's Go guide.  Arie and Emily check out some of the better known landmarks, like the 600 year old Prague Astronomical Clock and St. Vitus Cathedral.  It's trite to say how amazing certain stops are along these epic journeys, but Prague truly is a special place.  It's a shame they've worn out superlatives describing lesser destinations.  Like Charlotte.

You can get a sense of when they were filming in Prague because everyone is freezing to death and drinking "hot wine."  But then we see Emily breaking down all of her dates while looking like she was tanning in Tahiti, or in this case, Curaçao.  So strange.  It's like she botched all of the recaps on location and had to redo them later.

You can see just how terribly Cassie messed things up.  Arie dropped the ol' "L-bomb" (thanks, Ben) on Emily, and she reciprocated by kissing his face off.  Poor guy.  Seems a little early for this maneuver, though.  Off hand, I can't remember "I love you" showing up before the hometown date.  Lots of "falling for you" crap, but not the hard stuff.  I'm sure it's been done, but in more desperate situations.  Yes, I feel like I'm a habitual Arie apologist/borderline fan boy, but everything that I can surmise points to this guy waltzing to victory.

Week 7 is the official episode of one-on-one dates, and that means everyone's a winner, well, unless you're a creepy psycho like Chris.  Even the Wolf scores choice solo time with Emily.  Not that it went well, but sometimes you have to acknowledge a true miracle when you see one.  Wolf's run through Prague has been more improbable than Buster Douglas knocking out Mike Tyson.  It's been less predictable than John Travolta's movie career.  It's been less expected than the Spanish Inquisition.  Unfortunately, it's also been less compelling than a Dan Brown novel.  Oh yeah, I went there.

Not since the days of Ames "Amesbot 3000" Brown have we been subjected to such a dearth of emotion.  Awkwardness, no.. that's Doug's department.  Wolf has been skating through with an ingenious combination of guile, incognito, musk, and a nearly endless list of sad-sack stories.  This week's chapter featured Wolf versus "This Doctor Dude" who stole his girl and left him as a burning heap of wreckage.  At some point you'd think Wolf would bring something positive to the table and maybe show Emily that he's not walking through life with a rain cloud perpetually over his head, but instead we tune in each week to learn some new twist on how to never catch a break in life.  Hell, that lock wouldn't even close.

Wolf:  [oblivious to metaphors] "What does that represent, do you know?"
Emily:  "Um, it represents... data security."
Wolf:  "Interesting.  That's what my company is all about."
Emily"  "Don't you pretty much just shred paper for a living."
Wolf:  "Well, important paper, yes."

These budding lovers then share an intimate meal in a dank dungeon filled with brackish water and mold, which, according to the kids at Let's Go, is the fastest growing venue for burgeoning romance in eastern Europe.  Inspired, Wolf recounts how "Doctor Dude" sucked the life out of him and induced him to look like a fool on a major network reality TV dating show.  Emily probably wasn't ready to play psychotherapist, but I feel like these two had a really productive session this week.  Wolf's HMO even covered it.

Emboldened, and drunk with delusion, Wolf heads back to the hotel to gloat about the fact that he will later be sent home.  "Nailed it."  This performance also has the side benefit of thoroughly messing with Chris who is about neck-deep in a bubbling lake of crazy sauce.  And then, lo, out of absolutely nowhere comes this strange moment where Sean, who has been Kool & the Gang from day one, hurriedly runs off to search for Emily in a city of well over a million residents.  Safe to say we have found the worst producer-inspired moment of Season 8.  Absolutely rancid.

The group date is actually the place to be this week since it's the only place to get a rose, but don't tell that to Chris.  He'd rather wallow in his own tears than pay attention to show mechanics.  Doug isn't faring any better.  It's as if the only thing he's comfortable doing is talking about his 11.5 year old son, Austin, who is into castles and all that "boy stuff."  I think that Austin would have a better shot of landing Emily than his dad.  Of their home town date that will never happen:

Emily:  "What different side would I see?"
Doug:  "Nuthin'..."

But it got better.  Or in this case, even more strange.  Doug accidentally touches Emily and profusely apologizes, as if doing so by mandate of court order.  Could it possibly get more awkward?  Of course it could, and it does.  Doug decides to make his move.. during elimination.

"...and that's why I have to send you.. holy shit what are you doing?"

And then, as if on cue, he sobs like a baby on the cab ride home, most likely because he dearly misses his precious balls which seem to have been lost somewhere in Bermuda.

With Doug out of the picture, it's just Sean and Chris on the three-on-one, which is now a two-on-one, and soon to be a one-on-one.  The man with the largest key gets to spend more private time with Emily.  Too bad Wolf isn't around to ask about what keys represent.

It's not the the length of the key that matters.  It's the girth.

Because he's acting like a guy that's been there before, Sean gets the rose, while Chris continues his slow descent into madness.  I'm beginning to worry about this guy, not so much for his prospects of lasting another week, but for the safety of the cast and crew.  Someone certainly doesn't like sharing his toys with the other children.  It's too bad Arie already ran the "Hulk smash" bit with Doug.  It would been perfect here.  Chris angry.  Chris want hometown date.

Effectively, everyone still breathing got a one-on-one, except for Chris.  Emily's favorite charity contestant Jef gets the last crack, and this was easily one of the muddier nuts to crack in recent memory.  It's safe to say that Jef has a decent shot to win, but it's anyone's guess as to how and why.  I'll entertain theories if you have one.  A particularly good conspiracy theory is that Michelle Money's brother is buddies with Jef, so Michelle let good buddy Emily know that she should keep Jef around.  Why does Ms. Money keep entering the fray?  Maybe they should stay the hell away from Salt Lake City already.  It's like everyone knows each other.

Going with marionettes was an odd but perhaps fitting choice for these two.  Jef seems to be painfully shy, or awkward, or exuding that patented Mormon sterility... or all of that, and maybe this was a good way for these two to share their innermost feelings, by proxy, through a puppet.  Yes, it showcased Jef's immaturity and youthful demeanor, but it also said, "you're safe here.  Tell me where the bad man touched you.  Use the Michael Jackson doll."

Once they decided to pack up the dollies and ceased their discussion of nail polish colors, Jef and Emily started getting serious about their pending home town visit with Jef's family.  Well, some of it.  And as excited as Emily is to meet them, well, sorry honey, mom and dad are big shots in the Mormon church "committed to some stuff for a few years" and can't be bothered to meet you.  But they're so "crazy in love," and you should see that.  But you can't.  However, there will be punch, and possibly pie.

And not to scare you away or anything, but my parents didn't like a particular girlfriend of mine, so I ditched her.  But don't worry, my parents, whom you will not meet during your visit, will love you.  This is going to be great.

Jef and Emily agreed on a lot.  Too much.

Emily:  "There aren't many people I could lay on the floor with."
Jef:  "Me either!"
Jef:  "Would you want to live together first?"
Emily:  "It makes it so easy to get out."
Jef:  "Totally."
Jef:  "How soon after we got married would you want kids?"
Emily:  "Yesterday."
Jef:  "Me too!"
Jef:  "I can't wait to be the fun dad."
Emily:  "I can't wait to fight with you over being the fun dad."
Jef:  "Me too!"
Jef:  "I want to date you so hard and marry the shit out of you."
Emily:  "Me too!"

I think we all went through a good "me too" phase.  These two will make great prom dates.  

Later, Jef took things to another level entirely.  This never made it on the prime time broadcast, but I think it shows just how serious he is.

"We're no strangers to love.  You know the rules and so do I.  A full commitment's what I'm thinking of.  You wouldn't get this from any other guy.  I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling.  Gotta make you understand.  Never gonna give you up.  Never gonna let you down.  Never gonna run around and desert you.  Never gonna make you cry.  Never gonna say goodbye.  Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you."

There was some dancing too, but mostly he just moved back and forth like a white guy.

With Doug already gone, just Wolfner left to axe, but don't tell that to Chris.  This guy unraveled in record time.  I guess there was more to that little tête-à-tête with Doug than we first suspected.  I'll show you mature...

Chris, 15, weepy virgin

It was good to see Wolf going into that rose ceremony like he owned the place only to get chopped down despite Chris imploding in front of everyone.  How bad of an option do you have to be to lose to the guy begging to stay?  I'm sure he'll find a lovely emotionless woman with which to rule that paper shredding empire.

Interesting previews for next week, shown Lost style.  They've already lifted the end title "boom," so why not the editing too?  Seems like we get an out of context weep-fest from Emily about making the wrong decision.  I doubt it means anything more than she doesn't like upsetting the psycho guy.  Still not sure how the finale plays out.  Curiously, there haven't been any clips from it (usually we'd have a few by now), so maybe things are a little different this time around.  Live reveal?

No real shifts on the board:

1. Arie - I'm sticking with my day one call.  Cassie is in the rear view and didn't seem to do any damage.  Seems like that was about his only obstacle.
2. Sean - Still hasn't shared anything about himself.  Getting weird at this point.
3. Jef - This visit has the potential to go about as well as Brad's visit to Shawntel's family mortuary.
4. Chris - I think we're ready for that thorazine drip.  Stat.

The Jef, Doug, and Travis Estrogen Extravaganza

So lately I have been reading all of the "spoiler" info this season, but only after I was told that the usual suspects have been flummoxed by ABC's new (apparently successful) misinformation campaign.  I've read all kinds of speculation about who the final guy is, but it seems like one giant pissing match among bloggers who haven't the faintest clue.  An Instragram pic is compelling evidence?  Really?  I think it's safe to say that, as of today, no one knows what the hell is going on, which is plenty fine by me.  My bread and butter isn't spoilage anyway, it's mockery.  And honestly, it's a better deal for me if there's some uncertainty floating out there.  Also remember that nailing down the final winner on these shows has been notoriously difficult in past seasons.  There have been some embarrassing episodes by those who shall remain unnamed.  Besides, there's nothing particularly entertaining about knowing who Emily will pretend to want to marry.

Week 6 finds the crew in Dubrovnik, Croatia which is at the very southern tip of the country and on the Adriatic Sea.  If you took two steps further south, you'd be in Montenegro, but it's not like any of you is going to win a geography bee any time soon, so never mind.  Dubrovnik itself is essentially a medieval walled Byzantine fortress that is ideal for guarding and protecting reality show hearts.  The old city section of Dubrovnik was named as a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 1979 which means that you ought not bomb the piss out of it should you ever become a ruinous dictator.  I know we have a few budding Slobodan Miloševićs out there.

Emily's histrionics over Kalon – let's be honest – telling the truth seem especially rich in light of her sending little Ricki back to Charlotte with the babysitter (i.e., grandma).  Boy, she sure showed him.  I don't see why Ricki couldn't have stuck around.  What, is Eastern Europe not good enough for her little princess?

This season has had a few minor twists.  Not exactly the wholesale reworking that I've begged for, but there have been some nice surprises here and there.  One of these is the perilous one-on-one date.  The two-on-one is a known death spiral, but it's always been assumed that going on a solo date meant an auto-rose to the next round.  Thankfully, not anymore.

Eggman has somehow lasted six whole weeks and amassed something like 20,000 frequent flier miles, but the free ride stops here.  It's anyone's guess how he's lasted this long.  He's exactly the kind of roster filler that gets clipped on night one, but this dude won the reality show mini-lotto.  It probably says more about the quality of guys they cast on the show than anything else.  Still, I'd rather have someone with a pulse than this guy wasting valuable seconds of air time.

We probably should have suspected doom once he showed up in pink plaid.  I realize that we're probably at the nadir of fashion sense in 2012 (see any NBA postgame press conference for reference), but perhaps the staff could deign to hire a consultant for these poor lads.  It's not like I'm Karl Lagerfeld, but c'mon folks.  The Old Navy clearance bin has been picked over already.

I'll give Travis some props.  He seems like a nice enough guy.  It's kind of difficult to really root against him other than he doesn't really do any fun tricks on command.  I suppose this is his main problem.  He's sort of perfectly unremarkable which underscores just how amazing it is that he's even made it to Croatia to eat pistachio gelato.  Because everyone loves a good staged date, Travis rates this one a solid 10 out of.. 8.  Seems a little weird to go with 8 as your rating scale.  I rate this particular episode 38 out of a possible 53.  It had a good beat, but the dancing, as always, was terrible.

Dinner with these two had about as much sexual tension as an episode of Will & Grace.  Travis was already extrapolating hand holding to marriage, but Emily was more interested to learn why he hadn't dated anyone in two years.  Seriously.  Two years.  Hell, Emily dated Jeremy Shockey (who is essentially a John Daly starter kit) since breaking up with Brad.  At least she was in the game, no matter how gross it was.  Point is, no one expects you to be chaste between fiancés.  Let's live a little here.

Whoa, double rainbow.  The official power-gay symbol of this episode.

Although Travis was pretty amped about opening up a little and maybe getting that first kiss sometime in hypothetical Week 36, Emily wasn't feeling that special tingle in her loins and banished Travis to the friend zone which earns you a home version of the game, boxed leftovers, and a disposable umbrella, but sadly no ticket to Bachelor Pad.  Drink it in, folks.  This is probably the last time you'll ever see Travis, unless of course you're a resident of Madison, MS in which case we'll see you at the parade in his honor next weekend.

The marketing overreach hasn't been as bad in years past.  Remember the "Leap List" debacle?  It's still bad when a segment of the show feels gratuitously commercial.  I think my breaking point was Emily saying "Disney Pixar's Brave" instead of just "Brave."  This is not how real people talk.  Say, have you seen that 20th Century Fox production Prometheus starring Guy Pearce and Charlize Theron, directed by Ridley Scott?  Well, you should.  It's polling a solid 74% on the Tomatometer.

I don't know if this kind of shoddily embedded advertising actually works or not.  I was frankly too busy noticing that Emily kept morphing from tan to pale and back during her interview segments.  Since it was obviously chilly when they shot in Croatia, and we know "Prague" isn't Czech for "tropical paradise," it seems some of these clips were shot way way after the fact.  Is it really that difficult to sum up a group movie date?

To further confuse matters, Croatia played host to Scottish highland games.  Of course they did.  Makes perfect sense.  They even imported a couple of real live Scrooge McDuck sounding Scots to run the thing.  I was surprised just how weak and uncoordinated Chris was.  Jef, okay that I expected, but Chris seems like the kind of guy that might drink a protein shake or two.  Honestly, it was far too much like watching a foal try to walk immediately after birth.  I guess these kinds of contests are supposed to get the testosterone flowing, but all we really saw was Sean running over everyone like a freight train.  They missed an opportunity by excluding Ryan from this thing.  At least he would have put up a fight.

Emily can never seem to decide whether she is rating these guys on physical attributes or not.  You get these little moments of "dang, that shit was hot" and then she'll disavow everything she ever said as if it was a self-destructing Mission Impossible tape.  There's no other way to explain why she's so infatuated with Sean.  He could be a self-admitted kid toucher and she'd be none the wiser.  Maybe if she had bothered to ask she'd learn something.

Emily:  "What's going through your brain right now.  I feel like there's more than you're telling me."
Sean:  "No..."

Like an open book.

Jef is another matter entirely.  

Emily:  "By the way.  What took you so daggone long..."
Jef:  "For what?"
Emily:  "To kiss me?"
Jef:  "I'm scared of you."

He's like the reciprocal of Sean and this mess is endemic of the hipster virus that's been plaguing our nation for about a decade now, though it probably just hit Salt Lake last year.  Emily must think Jef is absolutely loaded to keep making excuses for him like this.  If you want a girlfriend, Jef is definitely your man.

Ryan had the misfortune of getting the second one-on-one date and thereby earning his walking papers.  I had some hopes for this guy getting his act together, but it's pretty evident by now that he's a perfect storm of stupid and overconfident.  The Jesus stuff was just bonus.  Surely at some point Ryan would have been sent packing, but I think might have been able to outlast the Wolf had he managed to drive better than my grandmother and maybe quell his obsessive need to refer to Emily as a trophy wife.  I actually liked this guy's shtick.  It just needed to be dialed back from 11 to around 6.  Wasn't a fan of the Wolverine tribute manscaping, though.

"For your guys who are cutting this up... do a good job of portraying exactly who I am and not, you know, an arrogant ass."

I'm encouraged.  This shows at least some evidence of self-reflection.  He's going to be terribly upset when they don't ask him to be the next Bachelor, though.  Plenty of better arrogant ass options out there, in my opinion.

"I even put the list in reverse order to look like a gentleman.  'Looking hot' is last."

Wolfman was probably next against the wall, but that cagey bastard pulled the dead grandparent trump card, or in this case, cards.  This guy is lucky he wasn't left spelunking with "Nate" on their two-on-one cave match.  Quite the story of survival.  It's astounding how quick these guys are to sob in front of Emily.  "Please don't send me home.  This is the best vacation I've ever been on."  Sorry, Wolf.  That data won't destruct itself. 

Not sure what the hell is wrong with Doug.  I know he's probably still on probation due to acting out a scene from Falling Down, but if a woman instructs you to grab her ass, son, you grab her ass and you like it.  It's like Doug never thought he had to do anything beyond mentioning his kid.  Awful, awful performance in the clutch.  I can't stand to watch a show where a woman instructs guys on how to flirt.  Isn't that what junior high was for?

Not sure what loving your son has to do with your complete lack of game.  Cry it out.

Ditching these two was probably the right call, but the numbers don't really work down the stretch.  They'd probably have to trim an episode.  Yes, there are rules to these things, Chris.  Amazing how they had an extra rose ready to go.  That sequence was just as bad as the weak dubbed preview where Emily asks Chris who else in the house isn't all about her.  I suppose we'll see that actual clip at some point, but why even bother with the head fake?  Save that crap for Lizard Lick Towing.  This year they seem to be pulling back the curtain a bit, and there's some real genius in there.  It's when they start with the editing shenanigans that people just get annoyed.

This deal about Cassie Lambert's relationship with Arie has to be influenced by all of the spoiler chatter out there.  I think it's a good move to bring it up on the show.  Any previous year and they'd bury this like spent uranium and pretend it didn't exist.  I love the new approach.  Obviously, Emily isn't too thrilled with the news that Cassie dated Arie, but come on... it was nine years ago, and from what I can tell, Arie was being charitable by dating her.  Not exactly a head turner, this one.  Actually, the only reason Arie was cast in the first place was because of Cassie's influence.  She's wanted him on the show for a long time, and this season just made sense given the racing connection.

Emily giving Cassie Lambert's leftovers a rose.

There is some buzz that Emily goes nuts and cuts Arie on the spot, but there's no chance that's accurate.  I still think he's winning this thing, and this Cassie crap is ancient history.  She'd be a moron to hold it against him.  What was he supposed to do?  "Oh hey, didn't know when I should bring this up, but I used to bone your producer.  Good news is that she was a dead fish in bed.  We cool?"  It's not like it's his fault he was cast on the show.  You'd figure they would have told Emily this rather than let it fester or expect Arie to explain it, but at least it provides a nice twist.  Finally some shit getting real.

Given that Doug and Wolfie are huddled together on a sinking ship, let's take a look at the final four:

1. Arie - hitting some severe turbulance with this Cassie revelation, or so it appears.  Who knows how Emily will digest this long term.  Either she gets over it (which should be easy... for most people), or she lets it eat at her and tries her luck elsewhere.  I don't think this will be enough to derail the inevitable.
2. Sean - I feel like we're actually having knowledge about this guy sucked out of our brains each week.
3. Jef - Emily is absolutely hell bent on dragging this guy's limp body across the finish line.  I'm still completely baffled by it.  As time goes on, I'm going to start rooting for Jef to win.  It will be the strangest outcome of all time, and by all time I mean all male-female bonds between humans from the big bang until now.
4. Chris - Suffers an unfortunate spate of crying which has befallen many a former contestant.  Good game.

Kalon Mercifully Got the Fuck Out

Well, here we are, inexplicably in fair London.  I say that only because I'm absolutely shocked it wasn't pouring rain.  Probably cleaned that up in post-production.  Usually I feel like there's a theme to these destinations, but not so much this season.

Last time we were comforted that li'l Ricki was still getting an education by nailing those "blue list" words and working with the hotel staff on her addition, but not so this time.  It's all about fun.  Hey kids.  Big Ben.  Parliament.  Posh and Becks' West End flat.

The guys are housed at the May Fair Hotel which is insanely expensive and, incidentally, a stone's throw from Big Ben and Parliament and a slew of other landmarks these guys have never heard of.  Sean gets the first solo date with the less than subtle clue of "love takes no prisoners."  Now, I didn't major in Brit Lit (pretty much the opposite), but A Tale of Two Cities is on my Kindle, so the Tower of London comes to mind.  Not so much for Sean.  I think the original date card said "Sean- Let's grate cheese on your abs.  -emily"

Fresh off her bus ride with Ricki, Emily is ready to flex her considerable knowledge of the city, like clumsily pointing out where William and Kate shared their first kiss in Buckingham Palace, and "West Minster Abbey," also known to some locals as Westminster Abbey, the immortal home to famous dead guys like Geoffrey Chaucer and the above referenced Charles Dickens.  It's a good thing her Palinesque pen-on-hand crib notes survived a bout of sweaty palms because that could have been a disaster.  I know Emily isn't stupid, but she's certainly not intellectually curious either.  Likewise, Sean wouldn't have blinked if Emily was spouting off details about Morocco instead.

But remember, Emily thinks that Sean isn't boring, or tells herself that.  Usually guys that look like Sean are boring, but not Sean.  Nope.  Why?  Because he's "silly," carries her bag, and lies to her about his last date being five months ago, and over a year before that.  I have a feeling he could tell her that he dismembered his last date and hid the body parts in a swamp and she'd think it was just his genuineness shining through.

Yep, Tower of London date.  If only there was some hint of this earlier.  Of the serious contenders remaining, we know the least about Sean, but it's not like that matters to Emily.  In fact, you could essentially overlay Doug's dialogue with Sean's on their respective one-on-one dates and find a 95% match, but Emily was "skeptical" of Doug being "too perfect." Sean must be just flawed enough.  Or maybe fitness models with no kids get a free pass.  I'm telling you, Emily doesn't want to take on a step kid.  She'd never say it, but it's a plain fact.  She and Kalon are more alike than she'd ever admit, right down to the cosmetic accessories.

Evidence of Sean's fantastic responses to Emily's questions?

Emily:  "How many kids do you want?  Is it something you've thought about?"
Sean:  "I hadn't put a lot of thought to it."
Emily:  [playful feigned shock]
Sean:  "Like two.  Two is a good number. Me and my sister were good.. but I'm open-minded."
Emily:  "Okay.  Three, four?"
Sean:  "Three, four.. six, ten.. whatever."
Emily:  "Okay. Good to know." [points to head]

What did we learn here exactly?  Fill in the blank:  Sean wants ___ kids.  About all I can say is that he's probably looking for an even number (zero included).  Beyond that, who the hell knows.  What I do know is that Emily's tired-looking friend Wendy has had more physical intimacy with Sean, so she has a lot catching up to do, and it seems like that's the plan.

If Sean ends up going home at some point there are two nagging issues:  1) what will Arie think of Emily fawning over Sean like a choice cut of USDA Prime? and 2) can we please never cast this guy as The Bachelor ever?  Putting a finer point on the latter, Emily is dead wrong:  Sean is boring as hell.  Ben Flajnik was more compelling.  Hell, I'd watch DJ Stevie as The Bachelor before I'd devote a second to watching this wanker flex his dimple and utter the most anodyne blather for two hours on Monday nights.  I won't do it.  Thankfully, it looks like the role is going to Ali's ex Roberto Martinez (folks, your first law suit inspired minority Bachelor), I wanted to pre-file my formal complaint now in case anyone get the idea that Sean is ratings gold.

Group date is in Stratford-upon-Avon.  The date card has an overused Romeo and Juliet quote.  Guys, what do you figure we'll be doing?  I think most seventh graders know the answer.  As group dates go, this was a supreme loser.  I was all for throwing a throng of kids at them, and of course unleashing the sexually repressed gal pals, but this was basically just cliché for the sake of cliché.  Oh, we're in London.  Let's do Shakespeare.  The only redeeming moment was Kalon telling Emily to "run along" so that he could focus on winning this puppy.  Way to think that one through, genius.  Well, by this point Kalon probably knew he was done.  I honestly thought this guy had some potential to mix it up, but pretty much even failed at that.

"Kitchen's over there, sweetie."

Let's get to the "baggage" fallout already.  The only saving grace of an otherwise pitiful episode.  Kalon has been a mystery to me from the moment he left the helicopter.  I think the idea was for him to be the disruptor of the house, but when you have about 15 seconds of camera time during an entire episode like he did last week, you might be falling a little short of your duties.  I'm forced to conclude that Kalon either is several mentally ill or a nihilist.  I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism...

By this point, Kalon is dropping more bombs than the Allies on Dresden, and it seems a little reckless.  It's not like this is saving you any face.  Take a page from uber-villain Bentley:  just walk off into the sunset.  For anyone reading at home hoping to realize their childhood dream of being a reality TV bad guy, here is a perfect case study of what not to do.  My god, at least draw up a plan and stick with it.  Or have a show veteran guide you through the process.  Showing up and just taking a shit on the place isn't the way to make things happen.  Jesus, you made me like Doug for a second there, and that's just flat wrong, dude.

I'll get to whether ratting out Kalon was appropriate or not in a bit, but surely Doug saw this as his opportunity to play hero.  After some brief intelligence gathering, Doug has a classic "not here for the right reason" sit-down with Emily which gets her southern juices a-flowin'.  She's ready to serve Kalon's balls on a platter with a pint of Guinness, but Doug implores her to think about it since he knows first hand the consequences of flying off the handle and threatening your girlfriend with a shotgun.  I wish I were kidding.

"I want to go West Virginia hood rat back woods on his ass."

Well, now.  I can't say I saw that coming.  Is she sure about that "hood rat" thing?

Had Kalon been somewhat entertaining, I could have gone to bat for him as I have for a lot of other agitators in the past.  It's a show, after all.  Sorry, not this time.

If there was any doubt that Emily wasn't taking this seriously, I think those suspicions have now been allayed.  She just about storms off the set.  She honestly thinks this is a show about finding her a husband.  Good grief.

"My god.  I called myself a hood rat."

Doug predictably overplayed his hand, again, but was curtly rebuffed.  This man has no other cards in the deck.  It's either Single Dad Crusader for Justice, or nothing.  This is why America hates you, Doug.  And yes, we can tell that you're reciting anger management mantras during these tense moments.  Just try not to kill anyone until you leave, okay?

Please, mind the step.

Emily tells the guys she's disappointed in them and that she feels like no one "had her back" and proceeds to run that phrase into the ground about as badly as "I know, right?"  (Especially bad this week.)  She's dead wrong about this.  Foremost, she needs to understand that this isn't the Emily Maynard Show starring Emily Maynard, it's The Bachelorette.  If she bothered to watch any of the previous 25 seasons of this franchise, she'd realize that no one, aside from a few delusional viewers, is interested in finding her a husband.  Certainly no one associated with the show has that goal.  I'll give her credit for being able to read some of these fools (Sean excluded), but she seems to be completely delusional about how this show works.  Her interests and theirs are not aligned.  There's a reason they paid you a large sum to be on the show, over and above the free travel and wardrobe.  You're not a special snowflake in the eyes of ABC/Next Entertainment.  To them, you might as well be.. gasp.. Ashley Hebert.

Moreover, these guys are nothing more than cast members who happen to see you here and there for a few weeks.  None of these guys are your boyfriend.  They definitely aren't your husband, and they sure as hell aren't your kid's father.  If you want someone to "have your back," you probably need to exist in the real world and not on some TV show that has a vested interest in manufactured drama.  As much as I loathe hypocrisy, I think one of my least favorite traits is self-martyrdom.  Lower yourself off that cross, honey, there's a lot of show left.

Consider also the history of ratting people out.  It never ends well.  Ever.  (Are you listening, Doug?)  No matter how much the lead might implore to hear all of the juicy details about what people are saying or doing, the rat always meets an untimely end.  Epidemiologist/rapper Emily learned this the hard way with Ben who practically insulted her for caring about what other people thought.  This rule might be less rigidly applied on The Bachelorette, but it's still a rule.  You never tattle.  You cannot win going this route.  If Emily was serious about wanting a guy to be some kind of informer, Doug would have scored big time.  Instead he got the equivalent of "get bent."

Seems like the shark move was to not be on this bloodbath of a date.  Continuing to defy all logic, Jef gets his chance to register a pulse on his one-on-one date.  Of course Emily is still being all moody the next day over this Kalon deal, so Jef wasn't totally in the clear here.  Still, this woman has ultra-low expectations with this guy.  Being the least threatening option appears to be good enough, at least for now.

Emily "chooses" a date to have tea with an etiquette expert, which in England amounts to an appointment with a licensed sadist.  The person(s) that booked this and thought Shakespeare in the park was a brilliant idea should be fired immediately.  No warning, just put their crap on the street and consider it an improvement.  Of course they left early.  Either that was scripted, or they couldn't stand another moment of how to orient the teapot spout to properly align with the prime meridian.

Continuing with their clichéd tour of London, Jef orders up "two pints" and some "fish and chips."  Later they'll see a Sex Pistols tribute band, get pissed on Whisky, make pavement pizza, get knackered, head home, and not brush their teeth.  That would be so British.

Jef knew about the Kalon mess before his date, but it's obvious that no one gave him a heads about Emily being upset that no one told her about it.  Hell, Jef was there during the original incident and, from his recollection, politely suggested that Kalon should leave.  Sure you did, champ.  After seeing that meltdown last night, I was cringing for Jef when he started in on his baggage analogy.  I think he dodged a bullet there.  Even if you're a set of Louis Vuitton luggage, you're still baggage.  Besides, that was my obvious metaphor in post one, you uncreative bastards.

These two wrap up at the London Eye, which is officially now the EDF Energy London Eye because everything needs sponsorship these days.  The Massengill Bachelorette can't be far off because no one knows douche like Massengill.  In their private pod-thingy, Jef asks Emily where she sees herself in a year, which sounds eerily similar to the question she asked Joe at the Greenbrier.

"Hopefully I'll have, like, a boyfriend. Or fiancé, or husband, or somethin'."

Or somethin' indeed.

Emily may not be aware, but Jef is mormon, so maybe the proper follow up is "how many wives do you want?"  Not to assume that Emily has a religious test, but she probably has a religious test, and I imagine dating a mormon is one step below dating an atheist on the shame continuum.  It seems obvious that she's never been to Salt Lake City because there's no chance she's moving there, even as a hypothetical.  I don't think the Hendrick support system would allow for that.

Something about Emily and Jef together just feels... weird.

Not that Jef is a bad guy or anything, but it seems like he and Emily are more likely to share recipes, do each others' hair, and maybe have a dance party than have some sweeping romance.  Had Emily not asked him to step it up, I doubt he would have done anything differently.  We know that Jef likes free travel, a healthy per diem, and exposure for his company, but it's still completely puzzling why Emily likes Jef, aside from their disdain of food.  We've learned nothing this week.

At the cocktail party, Emily beats the same tired refrain of no one having her back.  She seemed especially upset with Arie who she felt let her down, never mind that she insisted that she's a big girl that can fight her own battles.  Pretty good mixed messaging here.  Arie had it right, though.  There's no point in obsessing over what other people are doing.  It's a dead end.  Jef seemed to think he had the moral high ground, but what exactly did that little hipster do to confront Kalon?  Emily probably thinks she wants a guy like Kasey Kahl to guard and protect her heart.  The problem is that she really doesn't.  No one likes a Kasey Kahl. Even Vienna couldn't stand him.

Sean wisely took full advantage of not being on the group date of death and of course claimed that he would have kicked Kalon's ass if he was there.  Sure man.  Not only would you not have said anything, but you probably would have just sat there with your patented shit-eating grin.  Love the hindsight, though.

Emily is still convinced that her attraction to Sean is more than just physical, never mind that she still doesn't know a thing about him.  She has butterflies, but not so much in her stomach, rather near her naughty girl parts.

The rose ceremony seemed to be all about sending messages.  Doug led the do-gooder intervention, so he gets the first rose.  She was disappointed in Arie acting the way any normal guy would, so of course he has to sweat it out until the end.  Don't let it happen again, Arie.  Remember that no good deed goes unpunished.

I'm really upset we won't be learning more about Alejandro's mushroom farming, but that's the risk we took when we started this journey.  If you put yourself out there like that, you might get hurt.

"You're sending the Wolf?  Shiiit, negro.. that's all you had to say!"

Let's take a look at the Big Board:

1. Arie - Hanging on to the top spot by a hair.  Had a rocky week, but it wasn't bad enough to move him from the top spot.
2. Sean - It seems to be down to him or Arie with the rest pretty far back.  We still don't know a lick about this guy.  Seriously.. nothing.
3. Jef - She doesn't really like the rest of the guys very much.  For whatever reason, she likes Jef.  All 125 pounds of him.
4. Chris - Invisible this week, so he slips to fourth.
5. Doug - Won some temporary points with calling Kalon out, but it seems increasingly evident that there's nothing there.  No step kids, thanks.
6. Ryan - I like him for the humor value.  I hope he starts to get desperate and lashes out at the guys.  Please?
7. Travis - Mississippi needs you back.
8. "Wolf" - Should have been eliminated with "Nate."  The red pants didn't do him any favors.

Battle of the Bros

Before we begin, I'd like to dedicate a moment of silence for Eduard "Trololo" Khil, one of the finest voices of our time.

Goodnight, sweet prince.


Week 4 sees the Emily, Ricki, and the fellas finally traveling away from the friendly confines of "small town" Charlotte and moving to big time Bermuda (population: 64,268).  Most importantly, this is the week Doug becomes unglued, which is something I felt was just a matter of time.  There's something not quite right with Superdad.

Usually, guys are pretty amped to get a date with the only girl on the show, but Doug spends all of his time either worrying about getting clipped or taking jokes at his expense way too seriously.  He really did look like he was ready to fight a few times there, and I suppose that's enough for a good Hulk smash reference.  I laughed.

"Fuck you and your playful banter."

Doug is easily the most passive-aggressive dude on the show, and lordy he does not like being called out on it.  Can't a man be self-deprecating in peace?  GOD.

I think I said earlier that Chris looks like Brad.  Sorry.  Doug is pretty much Brad 2.0.  So much so that Emily compares the two for appearing to be "perfect."  Of course Doug doesn't really strike anyone as perfect, but this is weak code for saying "you're trying too hard" and "isn't there more to you than being a dad that gets criticized for hanging out with his son too much?"

I have to say that overall I've been impressed with Emily's ability to read guys, which was completely unexpected.  She's not stupid, however she might have a bit too much confidence in her deductive skills.  Smart people don't point to their heads to say, "check out all of the brainy goodness packed in here."  I'd say she's got a good read on Doug, though.  She knows that this guy polished up the patina before coming on the show.  Still, I think she's vulnerable to the idea that Doug may be some sort of robotic super husband-in-wait who is ready to swoop in to save her and Ricki from not having a big strong man in their lives.

Doug's biggest problem is probably overconfidence.  Not exactly Ryan-level overconfidence, but vulnerable to the idea that stuff he does in the house won't get back to Emily.  She's already heard about his penchant for drama, and he'd better hope that she doesn't learn about his tendency to refer to himself in the third person.  That would be such a Brad move.  I'm not exactly a big Doug fan, but that was unexpected.  Kids, it's never okay to do that.  It correlates 98% with being a douchebag.

Emily hates it when guys compete against each other, but since the show template calls for a group competition date, that's what you get.  Rather than have an MMA-style cage match this time (Ames nearly dying probably scared the lawyers), they opt for competitive yachting which is meant to expose the hoi polloi among us.  Now, I'm no expert on tactical sailing, but I did watch Dennis Conner in his prime against the Aussies so I think I'm more than qualified to weigh in here.  One thing I can say definitively is that you can't just draw a clear line from start to finish and expect to win.  There are a lot of factors involved, something which the red team didn't quite grasp.  Especially looking stupid were Chris, Sean, and Travis for high-stepping at the halfway mark.  I suspect that Charlie would have joined in, but he still seems to be suffering effects from his fall.  In fact, he may not be aware that he's on a TV show.

It's not your fault, chief.

A hearty "well done" to Arie and Ryan for pulling things together in that win.  Jef did his part acting as human ballast.  I don't think Kalon was even on the boat.  I thought he was going to be the big pot-stirrer this season?  Can we get some consistency here?

The future America's Cup champs get their evening with Emily, which mostly serves as a gateway to embarrassment.  Arie's been playing things just about perfectly to this point, but I think he looked a whole lot overeager here.  He also seemed to drain himself of testosterone with that mom sweater, gentle caresses, and baby talk.  Charlie was embarrassed?  No, that's embarrassing.  Arie needs to throttle way back on the schmoopie and soul-devouring kisses.  Calm down, man, there are like 120 laps to go.

Jef continues to be the most curious aspect of this show, and I mean that in almost a clinical sense.  At first I thought he might be gay, but at least they could talk about conditioner or Glee.  Now I'm thinking he might be a eunuch.  As much as I don't get Emily's fascination with him (hell, no one does), I'm fascinated by her fascination with him and I'm not ready to say goodbye just yet.  I don't think this indifferent shtick can last a whole lot longer, though.  Well, I should correct that a bit.  Jef pulled the equivalent of pouring his heart out to Emily by having her kiss his owie he somehow suffered while not doing anything on the boat.

Momma make baby feel all better.

That move should be good for another three weeks.

I haven't settled on whether Ryan thinks he's leading the pack or if he can sense some trouble, but regardless, he's a constant source of unintentional comedy.  This week, the Presbyterian College alum sprinkles in a bit of religious behest with his attempt to turn the tables on Emily.  She has a great responsibility to do something good with this role as the Bachelorette, after all, and Ryan has decided to make sure she delivers.  Or something along those lines.  I wasn't really paying full attention during that part.

"For everyone to whom much is given, of him shall much be required." -- Luke 12:48

 "Thou shalt keep thy butt in the gym."  -- Ryan 4:13

I'm sure Ryan thinks this is all a very good idea to put some heat on Emily and start butchering scripture, he's quickly earning a fast pass to Earlyexitville.  Ryan should understand that his best asset is to mess with the other guys, not mess with the lead.  This kind of idiocy works with someone like Ashley who always played the role of "just happy to be here," but Emily isn't going to put up with this kind of holier than thou crap.  At least make it clever crap.

Not sure why there has to be a rose given out on these group dates.  It was more of a war of attrition out there.  Kalon was basically invisible, so no go there.  Arie acted like a dog that hadn't seen his owner in two weeks, so I think she had to reel that in a bit.  Ryan completely stepped in it, so that really only left Jef as the lone man standing.  Can't you just feel the excitement?

Emily decides the all-important group date rose recipient while Jef picks some dirt off his Chuck Taylors.

After getting the rose, Jef utters perhaps one of the best lines in Bachelor franchise history:

 "It feels like something we share together is really important to her."

I'm not sure I can properly characterize the awesomeness of that line.  It's so marvelously indifferent and patronizing.  Of course he followed that with something about "falling for" Emily or somesuch (while fighting back laughter), but it's lines like that make you wonder just how the guy made it on the show or what his endgame is.  I gotta say it.. I have absolutely no idea what is going on here.

I can't help but think that this is some type of weird performance art.

Now that I have an expanding readership, I think my suggestions may actually be making it to top network brass.  Here's one:  ditch the godawful two-on-one dates.   With rare exception, they always feature non-factors and are never the least bit interesting.  Even that segment where Ali left Kasey and his fresh tattoo on a glacier wasn't very good TV.  I think the idea of two guys fighting for the Bachelorette's affections looks good on paper, but by now the two-on-one has such a dire reputation that all it does is sap the life out of everyone involved.  Need we more evidence than Wolfman, Captain Quinoa, and their endless series of toasts?  A new low water mark and maybe the worst 20 minutes of TV in 2012.  Leave this act in the cave, please.

Returning to guys that actually have a shot in this, Chris confronts Doug in a rare moment of grown-ass man to grown-ass man candor.  You rarely if ever see this between guys, and you sure as hell never see it between women, so this was kind of a novelty.  I'll go ahead and pick sides here.  Chris is exactly right that Doug is overly judgmental, especially about "maturity" and people being fit to be a father.  If Chris only knew just how much he was milking that angle to the cameras and to Emily, his head would probably explode.  Conversely, Chris is making too much of this, and in the end he'd be better served just staying above the fray and letting this one go.  It's not like Emily is going to consult Doug on whether he thinks Chris should be Ricki's new dad. Still, it was entertaining to see someone call "Mr. Perfect" out for what he is.  Doug's response was feigned bewilderment, most likely because he's not used to someone just laying it out there.  He also displayed some classic projection with "look at the way you're getting upset right now, man."  Great stuff, Doug.

Chris also pointed out that he thinks Doug is a phony, and given that Emily kind of reached the same conclusion, that one had to sting a little bit.  I wonder if we'll find out what Doug's deal really is.  I'm hoping there's some kind of Scooby-Doo reveal at the end where we find out Doug is really Mr. Withers who hates meddling 25 year olds.

It was during this mini-kerfuffle that I was reminded to make the following observation/assertion:  the male version of the insipid "I know, right?" (an Emily standard) is "come at me, bro."  We need to quash these phrases like the linguistic roaches they are.

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the Harrison-Maynard pre-elimination fireside chat.  Lots of good nuggets in there.  My theory is that these conversations are nearly always pretty frank, but that they edit them down to the weak tea that we usually get so that there's no good info about the potential finalist in there.  In the era of spoilers (namely Reality Steve, but increasingly others like Wet Paint), I think ABC has decided to roll with the understanding that probably about 30-50% of the viewership has already spoiled the season by reading online sources.   Why they can't plug that leak, I'm still not certain, but it's been an ongoing issue for years now and this might be one sign of them adapting to this new reality.

The loss of Michael reverberated at about 0.4 on the Richter scale and was felt as far away as the bathroom of the guys' hotel suite.  I'm still not convinced that he was a real person as we've come a long way with CGI.  I was a bit more surprised by Charlie leaving, although I don't think he had much potential to stay around long term.  Charlie seemed to be in a permanent fog and never really woke up.  He also had a strange crying fit on the van back from the regatta.  If you cry at odd times, you're as good as gone.  Just ask "Nate" who strangely sobbed about his perfect brother.  So weird.

I'm a little curious about the guy that self-destructs and calls Ricki "baggage."  I assume it's Kalon, but don't really want to risk learning the outcome yet.  Somehow I've managed to avoid spoilers, although when you Google certain names, it's increasingly difficult to filter out the insider info.  I think that's kind of a shame.  It's actually much more interesting to watch this show without the script.

It's time to redo the rankings, and in preparation for this, I read Ali's horrendous Week 4 blog where she confidently states that Arie is getting too much positive TV time and that must mean that he's being built up by the producers as a head fake and to be the next Bachelor.  An astute commenter (so rare, these) rightly pointed out that Roberto basically went wire-to-wire on her season and never really had a bad day, so what the hell is she talking about.  While I think what Ali is saying is possible, it would require one of the other guys to win, and I just don't see that happening.


New numbers:

1. Arie - Still a lap up, but is a little heavy on the throttle.  Needs to conserve some fuel.  Just starting to notice the Baby Fish Mouth tendencies.
2. Sean - Probably the guy Emily most wants to bed.  This guy is still a complete unknown for the most part.  He could be cool, but he could also be a serial killer.  We really have no idea.  We did learn that he played football for Kansas State.  I'm thinking serial killer might be more likely.
3. Doug - We have more info on him at this point than Emily does, so I think he's faring a bit better with her than the public.  I think the fall could be sudden and spectacular.
4. Chris - Starting to let Doug get in his head about being a guy who isn't ready for kids.  Needs to chill out a bit.  However, I do have a hard time believing that Emily would pick a guy younger than her.  Nothing he can do about it.
5. Jef - I refuse to believe there is anything there.  In every conceivable way acts like Emily's kid brother.  I also don't see how this helps water sales.
6. Ryan - Lost any shot he had last week.  I love the self-delusion, though.
7. Travis - Blends in with the furniture.  Lost me with his strange version of "Kokomo" where "Bermuda" is uttered over and over.
8. Alejandro - A miraculous story of survival.
9. Kalon - I think he self-destructs next week in a fiery blaze.  Conspicuously absent this week.
10. Wolfman - "Thirty seconds. We went like this, he went like that. I said to Hollywood, 'Where'd he go?' Hollywood says, 'Where'd who go?'"