We've Been Rickrolled!

Hard to believe it's already over.  It seems like just yesterday we were carelessly throwing skateboards into the bushes.  I suppose the writing has been on the wall for a couple of weeks now, but I personally had a difficult time accepting what went down.  Maybe this upcoming trip to Charlotte will help heal some of those wounds.  Don't worry, I'm using miles.

We're back in Curaçao where the guys get to meet Emily's very West Virginian family.  We'd seen glimpses of mom before, but this time we got the whole toothless crew.  Not exactly a striking resemblance here.  Emily seems to have avoided the ugly, slack-jawed yokel gene.  Mostly I was thrown off by mom's five pack a day voice.  Quite a contrast to Emily's lilting, helium-infused drawl.  Had we met any of the Clampetts before?  I honestly can't recall.

Arguably the most pivotal day of his life, and Jef shows up wearing a plain white t-shirt, metal chain, canvas sneakers, and what appear to be Jeggings.  The only things missing from this hipster ensemble were a gaunt dismissiveness and a half drunk can of PBR.  I have a feeling this look hasn't fully penetrated the South yet, so perhaps it's being mistaken as an homage to James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause, but without the interesting rebelliousness.  Emily keeps referring to liking guys "with an edge," but unless "edge" refers to polite Mormon sensibility, I think she might be a little off target here.

If you thought Jef was going to tap the brakes a bit during his meeting with the family, boy were you wrong.  Any concerns about getting engaged?  Nope.  Any worries about Ricki?  Zero.  You sure about marriage?  Absolutely.  Okay, then.  Is this the same guy that was picking dirt off his shoe when Emily gave him a rose?  This is all quite puzzling.  Stockholm syndrome?

I always find the conversations with the siblings to be a bit strange.  I can see laying it on thick with mom, but Jef telling Emily's brother that, effectively, he can't wait to consummate the relationship seemed a little much.  Have we had another "Ernie" on the show?  Seems like a nice enough feller. Mmm-hmm.

I found it interesting that Emily's mom thought that Arie was going to be some arrogant prick.  Seems like a strange presumption to have.  Here's a guy that is living firmly in his dad's shadow and has been less than successful at his craft, and yet he's supposed to have this giant ego?  I presume they've actually met some of the bigger douches that Emily has dated, and there have been plenty.  Like Dale Earnhardt Jr.  And megaslob Jeremy Shockey.  Jef's the guy with the crazy rich family and who is the CEO of his own boutique startup courtesy of his trust fund.  There's where I'd start looking for an ego, though really, neither guy has much attitude to be worth the effort.

Ernie (love that) seemed to have a similar preconception of Arie and even threw out something about him being too "practiced" and "smooth," which honestly made me laugh.  I guess speaking clearly and with your entire mouth is looked upon as "elitist snobbery."  Arie is probably best described as a fun-loving goofball on his worst day.  Jef's the guy that cribs all of his best lines (we'll get to that).  Looks like someone has an uphill battle here.  At least Ernie left "confused."  It's all just part of this magical journey, folks.

Emily was hell bent on getting her family to agree with her decision.  On Arie:

Dad:  "He's a very likeable fella."
Emily:  "Buuuuut..."
Dad:  "Nah, I really don't have one."

Translation:  make your own damned decision.  It was here that we knew Arie was toast.  Emily wanted to be bailed out from the guilt.

I've said before that having a date the day of the proposal is stupid.  There hasn't been a single one of these "dates" that has led to anyone changing their mind.  Sure, Emily arranged for Ricki to meet Jef, but that was going to happen regardless.  It's not like their date went so incredibly well that she decided to set up some impromptu meeting.  Why the hell else was she there?

Still, that beach chat was some of the most painful dialogue we've seen, and surely the most strained between these two.  Emily says she's stressed about things, but Jef is still carrying on like a 15 year old who just discovered girls.  Unfortunately, his level of unflappable optimism is also characteristic of someone that has just committed themselves to a cult.  Not that I doubt that Jef has dated, you know, girls, but his level of enthusiasm is just red flag central.  No one can be that self-assured of something like this.  How this doesn't set of warning bells to the single mom is beyond my understanding.  It's as if neither has any kind of experience to draw from.

"You know how I feel about Ricki" had to be the strangest line of the series.  Well, maybe "just because I haven't met her doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about her every day" is just a tad worse.  Sure, he's been laying it on extra thick, but to have some connection with a child he's never met just seems, well, felonious.  Sean kind of pulled this same act, but Emily was able to at least figure out that it was empty rhetoric.  Not sure why Jef is getting the free pass with his over-the-top platitudes.  The only difference seems to be word choice, although as we'll learn, Jef has had some help in that department.

Over these many weeks, Ricki has traveled all over the world and met numerous staff members, nannies, and producers.  Why meeting any of the guys had to be treated any differently is a bit of a mystery.  If things didn't work out, it would be just as easy to pass them off as one of countless production people that made the show work instead of her potential future step dad.  How hard would it have been to tell Ricki that Jef is just there to make sure the pool is extra clean?  Come on, she's six.

Interestingly, Jef is the second guy to see Ricki.  Ryan was actually the first during their hot and heavy "juice box" date.  Jef's meeting started out in a similar way with two people essentially spying on this poor kid.  It's like they were at the zoo trying to see the elusive three-toed sloth in its natural habitat, except fifty times more stalkerish.

"Do you think she can hear us breathing?"

Honestly, I think any of these guys would have been just as good with Ricki as Jef was.  It's not like it's difficult to be amusing to a six year old. Okay, maybe not everyone is going to don the pink goggles, but I find it hard to believe you're going to learn much from an afternoon of swimming at the hotel pool.  Of course that didn't stop Emily from projecting their lives forward a decade and deciding that Jef was going to be ten time Father of the Year.  It's moments like these where you have to wonder what this woman was thinking coming on this show... again.  The track record for marriage is horrific, but then you throw a kid into the mix and it's even more reckless of a decision.  This poor kid has already met Brad Freaking Womack (and his accompanying anger management issues).  Hasn't she endured enough tragedy in her young life?  I think the sensible thing would have been for Ricki to meet both guys so that Emily could at least make an informed comparison.  I get that you don't want a revolving door of dudes meeting your child, but Emily seems to think this is how she's going to find a husband, and so one would think that should involve something beyond picking a guy and making sure her kid doesn't freak out at the pool.

Even though Jef is tying a bow on this, his path to victory is going to present structural problems once the cameras are off.  I think part of his appeal to Emily is that he's not Brad.  He's generally harmless.  Emily might be able to take him in a fight.  He's also much different than she is and doesn't seem to take life as seriously as a woman who became a mom at 19.   It's probably an overreaction to what happened with Brad, but whatever.  The issue as I see it, though, is that Jef is presenting himself as a guy that has no spine, no real things he's willing to take a stand on, and someone that is overeager to placate his partner.  Emily seems to buy into the idea that Jef is going to be like this forever, and god help him if he isn't.  But honestly, what guy is going to be a living doormat for the rest of his life?  There's bound to be real world issues that come up, but Jef is already establishing that he's willing to cave to any of these.  Well, at least until reality sets in.  This seems to me to be the surest way to making your life completely miserable.  There has to be some give and take.  Once the guy said he was going to move to Charlotte, I knew this had no chance.  Emily has nothing staked in this relationship.  If it doesn't go exactly as she thinks it will, there's nothing lost.  It's not as though everything has to be equal, but Jef has committed to being her obsequious servant boy.  He probably couldn't have gotten this far without doing so.

The other major issue arose when Jef gave Emily that Curaçao photo book.  Okay, so it wasn't a hand made scrapbook, but it did have terrible stick figures drawn in, so I think it qualifies.  Either he isn't aware of the curse or he doesn't care, but I think we can safely give this relationship three more months tops.

"Oh honey, you bought me a book from the gift shop!"
"Yes, but I defaced it with tiny stick figures..."

Emily really has no business getting engaged to anyone.  No one on this show should.  Ever.  Emily's problem is that she's bringing a young child along for this ride which is just idiotic and irresponsible.  Worse, she seems to be basing her decisions on the overwrought promises from a guy who is telling her everything she wants to hear and none of what she needs.  I won't say that Arie is "better" for Emily.  She's ultimately the one that has to fall in love with someone, but it seems that he had a much better perspective of what it takes to be in a long term relationship and the complications associated with bringing the child into it.  Instead of trying to convince her that everything is perfect and incredible and always will be, Arie at least seemed to have a more realistic outlook.  All told, this is probably the worst way to meet a potential spouse, so neither guy seems like a good option.  I do know that whatever Jef was peddling didn't make a lick of sense, no matter how idealistic either of them are.

Emily suggested that a key part of Jef's appeal was all of the wonderful things that he said to her, especially the amazing letter that he wrote.  Trouble is, Jef plagiarized most of it from a wedding video on YouTube.  I took the liberty of moving the link ahead to the relevant exchange of vows.  It's worth watching the three or so minutes to see just how much material is verbatim.  Remember "laugh until your cheeks hurt?"  Stolen.  How about "love that makes the story books jealous?"  Lifted.  It goes on and on like this.  For being a sensitive, passionate guy, Jef sure seems to be spectacularly uncreative.

With Arie still hanging around, Emily had the unenviable task of letting him know that, not only was he not going to be the last man standing, but that he wouldn't even get a chance to make his case.  I suppose you can't fault her for cutting the guy loose once she knew which way she was going.  I'm sure she'll never address it, but does it matter to her that Jef depended on Cyrano de Bergerac for his lines?  Even the glib throwaway ones.

Poor Arie had to throw together that "love potion," which looked suspiciously like a salad, and slather it onto the arms of a woman who didn't want him.  They love setting up people like this.  I suppose it could have been worse.  He didn't get denied at the altar like Ben, sweating like a pig.  At least he'll get a decent explanation of what's going on in her head, right?  Chris Harrison gave her that great advice about being honest and forthcoming.  If only Arie could have seen how good Jef was with those pink goggles, he'd understand everything.  Really, if you think about it, this boiled down to a battle of internet memes.  Arie didn't exploit YouTube and someecards.com as effectively as he could have.  That's what happens when you're on the wrong side of 30.  "I like your necklace.  Is that a phoenix?"  No, it's actually a giant albatross.

Strange mix of former Bachelor franchise has-beens in the audience.  Of course you have Ashley and J.P. since they are still together and perpetually engaged with no wedding date.  Ashley gave Emily props for cutting Arie loose so that "she could enjoy her day."  Yes.  Yes.  Well said.  I'm sure all of America was curious what DeAnna Pappas thought about all of this.  It's been a good four years since she had anything to do with this show.  Interestingly, she is now married to Michael Stagliano's identical twin brother Stephen which just goes to show you that this process can work in creepy, unexpected ways.  Michael is back on Bachelor Pad after winning last season.  I guess I don't see the point.  We also got a brief glimpse of Ashley Spivey, mostly so we could marvel at her sweet ass.  Thank you, ABC.  I have absolutely no idea what she said.

Impressive.  Most impressive.

Emily proved to be even more terrible than I could have imagined during the proposal.  She offered nothing dramatic or compelling.  "I didn't even go on a date with Arie yesterday.  And he's not even here today!"  Seemed a little weird to be so gleeful about kicking another guy when he's down.

Without the benefit of notes, Jef was suddenly a whole lot less eloquent.  I remember Brad's proposal to Emily.  She was a sobbing mess.  In contrast, Jef was fishing for words and built the world's longest run-on sentence ever constructed.  "I love you and we click and.. you're awesome and.. I'm glad we met like this on a show and.. I can't wait to be with you and.. you're hot and.. I promise to take care of Ricki and.. I love you and.. will you marry me?"  Neither one of them really seemed into it.  Then they played timely music from The Karate Kid, Part II soundtrack.  Instant goosebumps.

I was a little surprised that Arie was so messed up by this girl.  He was obviously more emotionally attached to her than he let on.  Flying to Charlotte to drop off his journal was kinda crazy.  Why was it in a padded envelope?  I think she read it.  I know she read it.

Michael said it best:  pretty sure Arie will find comfort in the arms of another.  Probably several.  We're all praying for him to get through this difficult period of mass female pity and instant fame.  People seem overly worried about who the next Bachelor will be.  Roberto is still lined up despite rumors to the contrary, but if not, Sean or Arie can probably take one for the team.  It really doesn't matter anyway.  Even Ben's season was entertaining, especially with Courtney gumming up the works.  Speaking of which, I wonder when those two are going to stop pretending to be engaged.

I don't think I'll be covering Bachelor Pad.  Sorry, kids.  It's just not real enough for me.  I'd much rather watch that rumored Jef and Emily reality show (which I suggested in the first place).  I want to be there when he discovers the mess he's made of his life and how his hipster days are numbered.  No more cool pics hanging with your homies on Instagram.  It's all Easy Bake Ovens and Squinkies from now on.

The Men Promote All: Bachelor Pad Coming Soon

These "Tell All" shows are nearly universal disappointments, maybe with the rare exception of Courtney having to defend her pitch perfect shtick to a band of blood thirsty amazons, but Emily's guys weren't able to deliver anything remotely satisfying.  I was even disappointed in the bloopers.  How is that possible exactly?  Yeah, let's waste air time on Travis tucking his stupid egg in at night.  Great choice, guys.

Since I do enjoy a challenge, let's see what kind of second layer analysis we can deliver here.  A Bachelorette "Next Level," if you will.  Warning:  there may be math.

Since there is never a good flow to these shows, I'm just going to throw some stuff out there rather than do anything chronological.

Let's start with Chris.  I want to begin here because I feel sort of disgusted with myself for backing this guy in the Great Doug-Chris Maturity Summit of 2012.  Now, to be fair (and to save face), Doug wasn't exactly the most stable guy in the house, so maybe that skewed my view of Chris somewhat, but it should have been more evident early on that Chris had a screw or two loose.  At first, Chris really did seem to have things a bit more together, but he was particularly confrontational and focused on this issue of maturity and "being a man" more so than anyone should be bothered with.  The surest sign that someone isn't what they say they are is that they talk about that one thing endlessly and how great they are in that one area.  Chris seemed to measure himself by his "maturity" and yet showed that he possessed, well, none.

Over time, Chris started to inherit a "negative edit," shall we say, where some of these issues were being featured more often.  My guess is that there was a smorgasbord of material to use from earlier episodes, but it was shelved in favor of more bombastic, and frankly, more interesting personalities.  Nonetheless, I'm pretty sure Chris was a sloppy immature mess from day one of shooting.

So maybe maturity isn't his thing, which is fine.  Still, in hindsight, I'm trying to figure out what his big selling point was.  He was overly serious, laughably uncoordinated, socially awkward, surprisingly weak, curiously aggressive, and cried all the time.  Of course we're only able to see things as they are edited, but he did make the top four somehow.

Looking back at his dismissal, Emily barely mustered any emotion while Chris got.. angry?  Harrison rightly asked why a somber moment would be manifested in quiet rage, but all I was able to discern was that he lost a couple of friends and that somehow meant that everything should be strange and convoluted from now on.  And as to his prospects for true, lasting love, don't forget to watch Bachelor Pad featuring Chris hooking up with at least three women on the show.  Not the smoothest segue I've ever seen, but I think we can all see why Chris was a natural for that role.  I just hope no one gets killed.

A few other notables to discuss.  Let's examine Ryan.  This will be short; there's really not much to dissect here. Ryan is perfectly described as what you see is what you get.  He's roughly the intellectual caliber of Jessica Simpson, loves himself unconditionally, and doesn't really let anything bother him.  In the end, I find it exceedingly difficult to dislike someone like Ryan.  Arrogant?  Maybe, but the guy seems a little too spacey and unaware to be a threat to anyone, so why not just enjoy the show?  I have no idea what makes someone like Ryan tick, but my guess is that a lack of synaptic junctions would account for some it.  "I have a lot of worldly gifts, but there's a ton of depth."  You just want to pinch his widdle cheeks.  I've convinced myself that Ryan truly believes he's a Renaissance man, but it's nearly impossible to take him seriously.  That shit-eating grin is just too much.  Not everyone will see it that way, and I get that.  Chris, for example, couldn't stop bashing this guy, even after it was over.  What's with the taunts and strong language?  That's no way to treat The Bachelor: Augusta.

Kalon was this season's aborted attempt at the bad guy, and wow did it ever backfire.  My only advice to production is to do a better job vetting your prospective villains.  Put that in the hands of a senior person, not some intern.  Please.  I get what they were going for here:  suave guy that lays it on thick yet says a bunch of stupid shit to the other dudes to get them worked up.  Instead what they got was a glib bomb thrower who insulted everyone with nearly no effort.  If you're going for the role of house asshole #1 who actually sticks around, your best bet is not to insult the person you're trying to win over, at least as obviously as he did.  "I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish" was inspired, but "we need to get back to rehearsals.. you can run along" was the kind of tone deafness that is reserved for sociopaths.

The faux discussion with Kalon about why he went on the show was patronizing.  Gee, why would anyone go on a show?  It's TV.  You get exposure.  You get paid.  It's fun.  But Emily had a kid, and you knew this!  It's madness!  You scoundrel!  Which is exactly why he was cast on the show in the first place.  Why do they even pretend like all 25 dudes are hand picked for their suitability to be Emily's wonder husband and super dad to Ricki?  We've had 25 seasons of just this franchise, and yet they still want to act like no one is paying attention.

Of course Kalon is exactly the kind of USDA Choice Angus Douchebag you want on Bachelor Pad, so for whatever that's worth, he'll be there.  How Kalon will profit outside of the Bachelor sphere is a bit fuzzy, though.  I could see him parlaying this into a few appearance fees at shitty bars, but beyond that, I think the well is pretty dry.  He and Chris really made a mess of themselves whereas I think every other guy probably netted out on the plus side.  It's actually difficult to come out of this thing worse than when you walked in, but they somehow did it.  I'll toast a Natty Light to that.

Since Sean was sent home, it's as if every woman in America has been horrified by the injustice.  Just read the social media comments:

Victoria McDonald Lo Piccolo How AWESOMW would it be if she turns both Arie & Jef down and chases Sean down, like he did her that one night, and tells him how she made a mistake and wants to be with him?!?!? THAT would be the perfect suprise ending! I like Jef a lot and Arie is okay but Emily and Sean are just...*sigh...

7 hours ago ·  · 17

Kimberly Herbert I personally think this is one of the best bachlorette seasons ever. I think she was refreshing and was really smart in most of her choices . Hopefully Sean will be back thus ending the best one yet :)

7 hours ago via mobile ·  · 1

Deb Kalin Loving Sean!!! I can't get enough of Sean!!! What an amazing man!!!! Sean for Next Bachelor Please!!! xoxoxo.

6 hours ago ·  · 6

Marla Melton Newell She messed up letin Sean go maybe she wakes up befor its to late!!! Ill sure take he is such awesome man u dont find them kind anymore!!! She needs to drop Jeff & Arie & take Sean back!!!

6 hours ago ·  · 2

I could post pages of these things.  Ladies, stop.  Please.  Enough.  We're all suffering as a human race with every nauseating misdiagnosis of this situation.  Your first clue that Sean isn't worthy of your idolatry is that he finished third, just ahead of the psycho.  A real, live woman who actually interacted with this guy decided that he was third best out of a field that was approximately three deep.  But, you'll say, he acted perfect, and Emily even said he was perfect, and he said he'd be the best dad, and he had amazing abs.  Yes, those abs where really something.  However, is there some special skill needed to decode euphemisms?  "Perfect" simply translates into "this guy is telling me everything that I want to hear."  At some point, you have to act like a normal person, and for whatever reason, Sean was unwilling to do that.  Come on, he had a niece named Kensington.  Kensington had her own air conditioned play house with a vaulted ceiling.

It's not that I dislike Sean.  He seems nice enough and all.  He surely has the facial expressions all just so and the safe lines written up for minimum offensiveness.  I'm sure it's great for selling insurance.  The point is that Arie and Jef seemed to have a pulse.  Sean came off as the guy that seemed to want and maybe was capable of having exactly 2.3 children.  Yeah.  And we seem to be glossing over his woeful performance on that Curaçao sandbar where he admitted to a three year loveless relationship with a vapid cheerleader.  How 'bout them Cowboys?

Regardless of how serious you treat this show, whether you think Emily needs to find her ideal soul mate or just want to see maximum drama, Sean isn't the droid you're looking for.  He can deliver neither.  Let's just focus on what's left and hope for the best.  And since Roberto Martinez is apparently the next Bachelor, abandon all hope ye who enter here.  It's not happening.  Besides, we've already had an unparalleled bore as the Bachelor last go round.  This one would just be blonde.  You know I'm right.

No else one really worth talking about beyond this.  Doug?  No thanks.  Charlie still seemed to be battling that head injury.  I will say that I find it hilarious that Tony is going on Bachelor Pad after suffering that near aneurysm over missing his son.  The lure of D-list celebrity was just too great to overcome.  She is an evil temptress.  We'll forget about all of these guys in about two weeks.  I'm not above using Wikipedia when the need arises.

As to the remaining two, it's really difficult to say for sure where this is going.  I have a difficult time believing that Emily chooses a teenaged Mormon Rick Astley, but then again Jef's dad, Monte, is Executive vice chairman of World Financial Group, so that might be a factor in extricating herself from the Hendrick empire.  Some of the same criticisms of Sean also apply to Jef.  This guy has been laying it on pretty thick for a few weeks now and going for broke.  He's even threatening to make love stories jealous.  Man, I miss being 16.

Arie seems like the safer bet to me, but there is the fact that he's part of a racing family which seems a little too close to the old days.  There's also the Cassie Lambert baggage to sift through.  However, Arie seems to be the most realistic about any potential relationship with Ricki.  Instead of telling Emily that he'd be her dad absolutely, no question from moment one like every other idiot, he knew that it was a complicated situation that would take time.  What Jef was selling is an unsustainable vision of perfection.  Arie seemed to have things a little more grounded.

In the end, I want to be entertained.  It's a show.  Sadly, I don't think anything groundbreaking happens here.  No possibility of Emily saying no to both guys, no being rejected by one and taking the second as a consolation prize, no pregnancy announcement, no marrying Chris Harrison on live TV.  Believe me, I'd love any of these to happen.  That probably would have necessitated a Kalon-Ryan finale, and those guys flat out blew it.

You Can Pry Tears from My Cold Dead Eyelids

Curaçao.  My god I love writing that just for the cedilla, which is perhaps my favorite diacritical mark.  The "ring above" (as in Ångström) is probably a close second.  Since I know you're here for my linguistic and geographical tangents, let me warn you that I'm not an expert on Curaçao by any means.  In fact, my first thought turns to the strange blue liqueur rather than the curious cultural amalgamation of Dutch and Spanish colonialism.  Like Dubrovnik earlier in the season, the capital Willemstad (and its polychrome architecture) also has sections that made the coveted UNESCO World Heritage list.  Makes you wonder if the producers are big United Nations fans.  Aside from that, all I really know is that Andruw Jones is a native, and even at 35, you do NOT throw that guy a high fastball.

As you've likely figured out, I'm not a fan of Sean.  Like, at all.  Emily habitually calls him "perfect," and I think despite the unfortunate descriptor, she has actually sussed out the critical flaw.  There's just nothing going on there.  Of course he's "perfect." He never does anything to reveal himself as being the least bit human.  That's not perfection, it's creepy.

Interestingly, while Emily has a natural instinct to avoid guys like Sean who only give you one pristine side of themselves, she's also begging to the camera for Sean to tell her how much he loves her.  He's the only one that hasn't, after all.  Given how much Sean has treated this process like a job application, or a game show (which, oddly, it is), you'd think he would have ticked this off the check list already.  I mean, he's already gushed about how he'd love to be Ricki's dad.  Would it really be too bold to tell Emily that he loves her?  Not that I advocate it, it's surprising he hadn't already.  It's the in thing to do, and Emily is so craving validation that she needs to go three for three on this.  Lucky day, toots.

If you used the old rules for Official Bachelorette Drinking Game this season, it would have been a sober ride.  There's been a surprising lack of bungee jumps, high wire acts, swimming with sharks, and the usual adrenaline-inducing milieu.  Instead things have been decidedly low key bordering on catatonic.  Emily has always struck me as 26 going on 50, and likewise the dates reflect something you'd find on a spunky seniors cruise instead of a reality show looking to deliver the coveted 18-34 demographic every Monday night.  Still, you knew they'd bust out the ol' copter tour in the Caribbean.  Like clockwork.

The airlift to some nearby desolate island (shoal, really), likely strafed during test runs in WWII, was an awful harbinger for Sean.  Though most seem to have missed this point, he'd been pretty evasive until now, yet Emily was more than willing to give him a pass each week.  Well, not this time.  So how was that three year relationship with ex-Cowboys cheerleader Brooke Sorenson?  Apparently it was a lot of going through the motions.  It's just as well, I suppose, since now she's married to mediocre Phillies sub and Jersey Shore aficionado Laynce Nix.  All things considered, that's probably a lateral move.

Cool hair, bro.

Sean went right for the played out "love but not in love" maneuver which I'm sure gave Emily all kinds of confidence in his seriousness and long term potential.  He made the case that approximately ten hours of hand holding and nose-to-nose kissing should trump three years of a hollow relationship with another blonde curiously similar to Emily.  Wow, the mood went from uncomfortable to "Nate"-level uncomfortable.  I'm afraid that patented squint-wink won't bail him out this time.

"No, my eye is fine. Really. Why do you ask?"

There's no question Sean knew he was on a sinking ship after the island sit down went horribly awry.  So what does he do?  Writes a letter to Ricki, naturally.  These kind of crazy overtures are the Hail Mary pass of the Bachelor franchise, especially facing fourth and very long like Sean was.  Had he tried to be Walt Whitman in a less distressed moment (a la Jef), I suppose it could have worked, but to write a letter to Emily's kid as if it was a near certainty he'd be her dad was, well, a bit over the top and more than this blogger could stand.  I never would have guessed that Sean would be the kind of guy to go all Lloyd Dobbler on us, but the only thing lacking here is a trench coat and hoisted boombox.

I suppose we should discuss the Fantasy Suite and how much it resembled literally no one's idea of a fantasy.  I know Emily has stated ad nauseum how much decorum she has to maintain as a mother and what a upstanding role model she has to be, but I think that lie was exposed when she signed the contract sometime last year.  It's not like dating 25 guys simultaneously is exhibiting any great restraint.  And don't forget, she's basically in love with three at the same time.  I think I remember my mom telling me a similar story, but those were the 60s.

Sean got the war-torn island, but Jef gets the 120' yacht Insulinde (yes, I checked).  Yeah, no foreshadowing there.   As much as I don't get this at all, I finally have to admit that Jef has better than coinflip odds of taking this thing.  She really seems to buy into whatever Jef is peddling, and from this view it doesn't seem like much.  Although lately, I have to say that Holm is laying it on pretty thick.  That marionette scene was cloying and forced, but it seemed to tap into some archetypal image that Emily had imprinted on her brain in her youth.  Jef seems like he'd make a pretty cool little brother.  I'll spot him that.

Recall that Jef's parents were busy doing "charity work" (an interesting euphemism for "indoctrination") in South Carolina at the time of her visit, but after hearing such great things, they want to meet this temptress for themselves.  I feel like I have some inherent loyalty to Arie, being a fan of his dad and calling this shot early, but there just has to be more compelling TV with a Jef victory.  And now that we know After the Final Rose will be a live show, there's just so much more entertainment potential than if Arie wins this.  I'm officially torn... but we'll get to that.

I think one aspect of the Jef-Emily relationship that bugs me is how juvenile this is playing out.  Their conversations, while playful and flirtatious, are like an Abbot and Costello routine in Stupidville.

Emily:  "How do you feel about meeting my parents?"
Jef:  "I love parents.  I love hanging out with parents."
Emily:  "I'm a parent.  Do you love hanging out with me?"
Jef:  "Uh-huh."
Emily:  "Cool."
Jef:  "You are a parent."
Emily:  "It's perfect."
Jef: "Do you think I'd be a good parent?"

It's around here where I'd love to invoke Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield.  "Say 'parents' again..."  Emily visibly struggled to rattle off a list of Jef's natural parenting qualities.  Well, he did go down that kiddie slide backwards.

It's been strange to watch Jef turn the tables on Emily and put her on the spot.  I think that's a shrewd move, and one that Ryan completely mangled, but I never would have figured Jef would be the kind of guy that could pull it off.  All I'm seeing is a clumsy Patrick Dempsey trying to land the much hotter Amanda Peterson (who was the near ideal embodiment of every snotty rich blonde girl you ever knew circa 1987) in Can't Buy Me Love.  It's as if Jef is paying Emily to like him, only the stakes are a bit higher than grass cutting money and suede jackets.  Rumor is, though, that Emily's wardrobe budget reached Palinesque heights.  That's saying something.

I was keenly interested in the various "where should we live?" conversations that inevitably take place during dinner.  I think my favorite of all time was Brad's discussion with Ashley.  Any hopes that girl had of potentially living in Maine and setting up a dental office were put to bed almost immediately.  After her win, Emily fought tooth and nail to stay in Charlotte and only rarely went to Austin to hang with Brad and his entourage.  It's interesting, then, to see how willing Emily was to live anywhere these guys wanted, even *gasp* Salt Lake City.  Really?  This has me wondering if the heretofore generous Hendrick dole has a terminal date.  That possibility has to factor into the required net worth of her final choice.  No slackers with Arie or Jef.  They're both living about as hassle free and trust fund rich as Ben Flajnik.

But getting lost in all of this is the possibility of Emily moving to SLC.  C'mon, now.  There's no way that's happening.  Is there?  I'd watch a series based on that premise alone.  Hey Fleiss, make that happen.  Do I have to tweet you or something?  I'm kind of new here. I'll even storyboard it.

Arie also got some precious boat time with Emily, but on a catamaran.  I guess there are only so many modes of transportation you can work with.  Dutch guy, Dutch colony.. I would think bicycles, but Emily didn't pack anything other than heels.  I'm glad we were spared ten minutes of swimming with dolphins and just cut to dinner.  Finally, a good editing decision.  I, too, was curious what Arie Jr. does on a typical Tuesday morning.  It's rare that we get such insight into the posh lives of entitled progeny.  Well, aside from that one guy running for president with the multitude of offshore accounts, and of course the Kardashians.  Arie wakes up at around 9, which is more likely 11 given his reaction, and Emily wakes up at some time earlier than 6:30, thank you very much, which is probably more like 10 as grandma clearly appears to be raising that child.  Arie did divulge that he likes to "be around people" and "eats out" almost every night, which is code for hitting the Phoenix clubs pretty hardcore.  Not sure if his lifestyle is a deal breaker, but I've been told some limited research on the subject via Facebook reveals a lot about this guy.

Not to get all serious business here, but Arie had the most realistic answer regarding Ricki and how that relationship would have to evolve.  Here you've got Sean and Jef penning these epic overtures about how they would cherish and adore Ricki even before meeting her, but Arie has actually done this before and knows it doesn't exactly work that way.  I'd love to see Jef show up and tell Ricki that daddy's home.  After all, that's what he's pretty much promised to do.  That would be fun to watch in a way not too dissimilar to World's Scariest Police Chase Videos 5.  Ricki versus "The Fun Dad."  Buckle up.

Some choice splicing of Emily's teary-eyed reaction to Sean's video overlaid on all three made things a little suspenseful, but it would be difficult for the logical mind to deduce anything other than Sean heading home.  He had a good run, but at some point you probably need to start acting like an actual person rather than an ad for match.com.  Sorry, ladies, Sean would make a terrible Bachelor.  He'd probably make a capable extra in a future P90X video, though.  I'm thinking Ab Ripper X.

Sean was so thoroughly torn up by his dismissal that he just stared at the producers sitting in the back of the limo.   It's always a shock when the paid vacation is over.  Most people cry, though.

So we're down to week one favorite Arie and the hipster CEO.  I think Arie is the right choice, but my contrarian blogger side says Jef has the most artistic promise.  Seriously, if that guy and his hair win this, we need to have a Jef and Emily spinoff, but only if it's shot in Utah.  Episode 1:  "Meet the Parents."  Loving this already.

Chicago is for Haters

Sorry about the delay.  Even dedicated bloggers take a vacation, folks.  Good thing nothing really good happened last week.  We all knew Chris was going home.  Let's do a quick recap anyway.

Emily first goes to Chicago which is by far the most interesting city on the tour, but Chris made it seem like they were visiting some drab eastern bloc city, like say, Kraków or maybe Warsaw.  This reeked of a pity visit.  Everyone, save Chris of course, saw the writing on the wall.  It never should have come to Emily having to polka and pretend like she was serious about this guy.  For whatever reason, maybe it was lost in translation or something, Chris's dad decided to tell Chris that Emily was "falling in love with him."  Here's what really went down:

Polish dad:  "So... [deep sigh] do I sense some love?"
Emily:  "Absolutely."

Way to set him up, pops.  Chris's sis wasn't buying any of it.  She pretty much told Emily to cut him loose, no matter how "crazy good" her psycho brother was feeling.  No problem.  Done and done.

Next stop was one F Jef at his family's "Holmstead Ranch."  See, because their last name is "Holm."  I know.  St. George, UT is actually nowhere near Salt Lake City.  It's closer to Vegas, or even Scottsdale, for that matter.  Basically, it's desert, but an oasis of dune buggyin' and skeet shootin'.  Well that and the place looked immaculate.  Jef might have some bucks as People Water CEO, but it's apparent that invisidad and mom are no strangers to coin either.  If this journey has been about anything, it's been the relentless pursuit of happiness... via wealth.

Emily was curious about the specifics of the alleged family revolt against his ex-girlfriend.   Jef said that "maybe" it was his parents that didn't like her.  Oh and his siblings weren't too fond of her either because he's a free spirit that can't be tied down.  Good thing six year old girls are super easy to take care of or that would have presented a problem.

Jef and his brother normal spelling Steve had a heart to heart:

Jef:  "I mean I'm totally, like, falling for her, dude."

Steve then pointed out the inconsistencies of Jef the Bachelorette contestant who is totally like falling for Emily and Jef the free spirited, unapologetic hipster.  Minor points, really.

Sensing a need for a clincher, Jef was then seen reading Emily an over-the-top poem that reminded me of things teenagers write when they are madly in puppy love with each other.  Whole lotta promises in there.  What if Ricki just hated the guy?  Boy, that would be embarrassing.  I sincerely hope that love notes aren't legally binding in Utah.

Next was Scottsdale for a visit with an Indy racing legend and his underachieving son who has been dying to get on this show for a few years now (thanks for making it happen, Cassie).  This is actually the second son of a racing legend that Emily has dated.  She was also pursuing Dale Earnhardt Jr. some years ago, but we can state with some confidence that this is the first open wheel racing boyfriend for Miss Maynard.  So adaptable, this one.

This was Emily's second encounter with foreign-born parents, but fortunately she wasn't subjected to sausages and polka this time around.  Arie Sr. and Mieke seem to have adapted well to their adopted home.  Better tax structure in the United States versus Europe.  Ask Steffi Graf about that some time.

Rather than put her at ease, Arie got Emily more than a little nervous about meeting mom.  I'm not sure why.  If anyone can relate to being a prospective trophy wife, it's Mieke.  I have to throw a flag on using Dutch in front of Emily.  As someone that has dated his fair share of bilinguals, this is a huge no-no.  There is nothing that will alienate a person faster than speaking code in front of them.  And to be honest, Dutch is such a strange language, the only acceptable use is when it's being spoken in the throes of passion by Charlize Theron.  Oh wait, that's Afrikaans. Close enough.

Junior's sit down with Senior was, well, brief.  Not sure our two-time Indy champ is loving the camera time.  Seems odd for a guy that has had such a prolific career, on and off the track...

Rawr!

Yes, that's the May 4, 1992 issue of People where he was named among the "50 Most Beautiful People in the World" that year.  In case you can't read the text, here's a choice snippet:

"This gentleman has also started a few engines with his turbocharged shag and flinty green eyes—including that of wife Mieke, 35, who admires 'his naturalness. Even after a race, his hair all messed up, he still looks great.'"

That shag has lost a bit of its horsepower, but there's no denying his flintiness.

Last to bat was Sean, who I've maintained has been little more than a smiling goofus about whom nothing is really known.  The producers seemed to have a little fun with this as well by painting him as a live-at-home slacker.  Not that this was inventive or all that funny, but I think it was a subtle poke at Sean's lack of substantive.. anything.  Maybe that approach was preferable to the conversation he did share with Emily about his "sweet as can be" ex of three years that he dumped because he wasn't really all that into it.  Well, that was awkward.  Let's go meet the perfect family.

Well, right on cue, little "Kensington" runs to hug her uncle.  That was so over the top that Emily rightly ignored it.  No bonus points for instructing the niece to act like you're Jesus.  Maybe this really was the perfect family because Kensington even had a house of her own, complete with central air.  All I could think about was, "what are the property taxes on that thing?"  I'm sure "Smith" had his own mini Ferrari which probably costs more than my two real cars.

No, Sean doesn't still live at home (we think), but his parents have one of those creepy rooms that looks like it was kept as a shrine to their child.  I'm not sure this is much better.

The only thing worse would have been Sean chasing Emily down again.  Sadly, check.

All that just to eliminate Chris.  Seems like a lot of wasted production cost.  During the rose ceremony, I couldn't help but notice Emily doing her best skinny Jessica Simpson impression.  Works for me.  I think it was the hair.

I'll get the Curaçao recap going shortly.  Lots to work with there.  They actually had me hanging.  Dare I say it, but that was some compelling TV.  Sure beat The Glass House, anyway.