The One Where That Guy Comes Back

This wasn't the most memorable penultimate episode in Bachelorette history, so please forgive the tardiness of this week's entry.  I've now watched this little bugger twice, and I'm sad to report that not much happened.  Usually we can expect a few nuggets of goodness in there.  I guess I just wasn't feeling it and would now like to leave.  I respect all of your families too much.

I just want to start by saying, if this is ABC's way of promoting Ryan as the next Bachelor, I'm out.  Forget it.  No chance I can support this fool.  He needs ritalin, or maybe a chew toy.  The producers really seem to have invested a crapload of time and energy in this clown.  Right from the beginning we had a hometown interview with him and all sorts of details about his little solar energy startup that he allegedly micromanages.  I should have known as soon as they pulled this little stunt that he'd be a nauseating blight on an already beleaguered season, and of course he's done nothing to dissuade that notion.  Worse, the guy came back.  Sometimes I ask God tough questions at night when I'm alone and staring off into the infinite darkness:  Why do innocent kids get cancer?  Why did the Holocaust have to happen?  Why is Ryan back on The Bachelorette?

Previously on Lost...

Sure I'm a cynic of reality TV and how it's produced, but sometimes I wonder just how deep the rabbit hole goes with these shows.  Did Ryan really "call up Chris Harrison" and ask to come back?  Can anyone do that?  "Hey Chris. Bro, it's Drunk Tim.  I really regret how I left and would love to see Ashley in Fiji.  Can you hook it up?"  They've gone to this well a few times in their history and it seems to be less realistic every time we see it.  Ashley couldn't really stand Ryan.  He was obnoxious.  He found prayers at a temple to be "romantic."  He probably dips his fries in mayo.  Nothing about this guy screams "great catch" to me.  Nothing even screams "cool guy to have a beer with."  Mickey was about ready to punch him in the throat.  I realize that a lot of women watch the show, but the guys show up for The Bachelor to ogle the talent, and I can tell you that Ryan will ruin those numbers like Wladimir Klitschko ruined Hayden Panettiere.  Sadly, here are some pro-Ryan comments from The Bachelorette Facebook page.  Ahem:

Mary:  "Live Ryan! I feel he is so sweet and genuine! Hope he's the next Bachelor!" (1 person likes this)

No no no.  First, it's "love," I think.  You love Ryan. Second, he's 31 year old man-child with limited ability to function in a male-female unit.  Shame on you, Mary.  And no one should "like" this.  Terrible.  Boo.

 

Joie:  "Ashley is an idiot but who cares, Ryan deserves someone better looking and smarter." (1 person likes this)

Listen, Joie... she's actually not an idiot.  She's nearly a 4.0 dental student at Penn.  Is she annoying and maybe a 6 with the right lighting and camera angle?  Sure.  The point is, Ryan isn't right for anyone.  Did you see all of the dramatics?  That wasn't a man.  That was someone pining for their lost childhood.  And stop liking crappy commentary, random "likes this" person.  Oh, I suppose you think Status Shuffle is creative too?  Moron.

Heather:  "Ryan is awesome! I hope he's the next bachelor."

I'll say this, Heather.. you're very attractive, but you should know better.  Women like you eat guys like Ryan with a side of Ames.  These men stand no chance in your world.  Let's put them in the zoo of human curiosities and move on instead of perpetuating this notion that these good guy pushovers are some kind of idealized man.  You wouldn't let Ryan tie your shoes.  Give me a break.

Belinda:  "Ryan is good looking, smart, funny and successful. I don't understand why all the negitive comments. I wish him the best of luck finding his true love, and let me add she will have a wonderful life with him." (3 people like this)

Let me tell you why all the "negitive" comments, Bel.  Ryan is like an overwrought Jack Russell terrier.  He runs around all day with his boundless energy trying to impress you, and then he pees on your $5000 Persian rug and wonders why you're mad.  His facial expressions aren't proportional to the emotion of the moment.  He runs too hot and too cold.  And who will have a "wonderful life" with him?  Random woman X?  Let me ask you something:  are you sure it's a woman?

Like it or not, they brought him back, and who wouldn't take a free trip to Fiji just to be humiliated on TV? Sure, I'd go for that.  Looks like all he had to do was sit around and record a video diary.

So "Ry" shows up at Ashley's suite, you know, the one with the door big enough to drive a Honda Civic through.  She's looked genuinely surprised to see him there, and maybe feels a little flattered by it since this has been the bachelorette with the lowest self-esteem in franchise history.  Of course Constantine will remind her what it's like to be rejected by an ugly person, but at least she can claim victory that some tool wanted to see her again.  He hands he what appears to be a handwritten note on the back of a credit card receipt from the hotel bar.  It reads, "Hello Ashley.  Welcome to Fiji, home of former Master's champion Vijay Singh and a 2006 military coup!  Should you choose to forgo your romantic relationships with guys that you like better than me, please use this PIN to access the electronic lock and stay with me a bit down the road and veering off to the right, you know, the Days Inn next to the Jamba Juice."  If you missed this part, I found a clip of it here.  Probably good to refresh your memory.

Obviously she wasn't feeling it, but they already spent a princely sum flying him in, so of course they make him wait six days before she shoots him down.  As you saw above from the dimwit women of Facebook, Ryan has his fans, but I hope to baby Jesus that this doesn't mean they're lining him up to be in The Bachelor Season 16:  Here Comes the Sun King.  Do not want.

Boring Ben gets first crack at Ashley, and since she's such a big fan of the water, she personally planned an sea-faring excursion on an 80 foot T-Pain approved "I'm On A Boat" boat.

I got my swim trunks...
And my flippy floppies...

"That's a really nice boat," utters Captain Deadpan.  He's full of these one-liners today.  Must be feeling good.  Ben also made a well-timed quip about her cooking dinner as it was being served to them in luxurious fashion.  Can't you just see these two having the time of their life in the vineyards of Sonoma?  It would be fun to see them be perpetually judged by Ben's overly sheltering mother.  Of course Ashley somehow had the time of her life with all four families.  I personally found the visit to Sonoma.. a little stiff.  Well, it's a good thing none of that rubbed off on Ben or else we're in for some really awkward moments later on.

Oh, here's one:

Ashley:  "My back.  I can reach everywhere else unless you want to do everything."

Ben:  "No, I don't need to do everything.  Unless you want me to do everything."

Ashley:  "Yeah, I do."

Ben:  "Oh my lord."

Episode 9 of this thing and Ben is afraid to touch Ashley, yet Bentley was pretty much hitting it in the first week.  She has to be thinking the same thing, the little tart.  Maybe it's just the process that's messing with these guys.  Yeah, the process.

Heading to dinner, Ben pulls his now patented (and most regrettable) line:  "Oh, whaaaaat?"  That's twice now.  You sound like that Milkaholic Lindsay.

Ben's been psyching himself up all day to divulge his true feelings for Ashley. 

"I think I'm going to tell Ashley I love her tonight."

Later...

"I'm don't think I'm going to tell Ashley I love her tonight."

That's verbatim, too.

I actually like Ashley a little without makeup. They usually have her looking like a clown, so this is actually sort of refreshing.  I think I finally pinpointed why she looks a little off to me.  That is one helluva chin there.

You can tell that Ashley is already thinking about how her future fiancee J.P. is going to view this video later.  She's being very careful with her words.  Ben asks if she could see her herself in wine country with him, and she gives him a response that seems to have been penned and vetted by a team of corporate lawyers:

"Well, I mean after a day like today, it's like, every time I'm with you I just leave thinking it's like oh my goodness I could see myself with this guy, like I really can, like I can see myself with this guy forever.  Um.  And especially after a day like today..."

No guarantees implied or explicit there.  Sorry, Ben.  A lot of this has a "going through the motions" feel to it.  Ben must have some ridiculous issues because he's treating Ashley like she's a package of plutonium wrapped in TNT.  He claims he wasn't "available" when he first showed up on the show, whatever that means.  Well, it's not going to matter anyway.  Be available for the "I love you thing" all you want.

Ashley seemed intent on hitting that Fantasy Suite hard as she basically ran there after dinner and was nearly despondent when the Zeus decided to shove off to Mt. Olympus.  "Yours truly, Chris Harrison" has a nice vibe to it, no?  There's nothing you want more from an invitation to sex than a kindly written valediction from Mr. Harrison.  Something like "I'll be watching.  Love, C.H." would be only slightly more creepy.

Following a night of plausibly deniable sex with Ben, Ashley took a break from romance by booking a friendly hang out with buddy Constantine.  Under that euro-mullet he's sporting, the man just oozes indifference.  Rawr!  Well, until he sees the chopper.  She really made his day with that helicopter trip, but this required that they sit next to each other for about 45 minutes as they took in the amazing sights:  spouting blowholes, coral reefs, and forlorn energy executives.

Ashley and Constantine share an intimate high five as Ryan silently pines away from below.

"I have a Greek God to the left of me.. and the crystal blue waters below.  Do you think I could survive it if I jumped?"

Okay, I added that last part.  This date was pretty much DOA, but they need to at least get to dinner since it's all pre-paid.  When they weren't jumping into waterfalls wearing shoes, we learned a lot about what makes Dino tick:

Ashley:  "How many houses did you look at?"

Constantine:  "108.  IT'S A BIG INVESTMENT.  I WANTED A MAN CAVE."

Whoa, someone touched a nerve with all of this hot real estate talk.  I hope, for his sake, that he got that man cave.  You'll also never know if that 109th house would have been even better.

For some reason Ashley absolutely refused to give up on Constantine.  She seemed hell bent on getting him back to that Fantasy Suite.  It's just not a good sign when, after a wine toast at an intimate dinner, her date starts talking about another guy.

"Very fruity.  Very very fruity.  Ben taught me that."

The guy couldn't have been less interested, and yet here she is fighting like hell to keep him around.  Look, Ash, Constantine knows what goes on in that Fantasy Suite, okay?  That Chris Harrison card might as well be considered pornography.  He respects his Greek mother with the southern drawl too much to be caught fornicating on national TV.  That, or he isn't attracted to you.  But Ashley really wants to try the baklava.

"Dear Ashley, You've been punk'd!  Love, Ashton.  P.S. Follow me on twitter @aplusk."

So there's that matter of Ryan moping around, which couldn't be that terrible, but knowing Ryan, he probably made a six day vacation in Fiji a living hell by talking to himself.  Before seeing J.P., Ash gives ol' Ry a visit in the least controversial send-off in Bachelorette history.  Again, the only strategic reason for this was to gauge interest in him as a Bachelor candidate, but I think we know how stupid that would be unless they want to cater to the unwashed 18-25 year old female demographic that is convinced Ryan is prime husband material.  On love, Ryan wonders:

"Oh jeez, am I ever gonna find it?"

What is Ashley supposed to do with that?  This segment went from cheesy to syrupy in a hurry.  I know he had some coaching, but ease up on the schmaltz.  Thankfully, Ashley doesn't really waste time.  She never really liked this guy, and there's basically zero drama here.

Ashley:  "Bye!"

Ryan:  ".................................................................................................................bye."

J.P., who won this competition around hour two of the first cocktail party many weeks ago, gets his with Ashley in the post-Ryan era.  It still amazes me just how taken he is with her.  It's not like he's a man who lacks options either.  He's a single guy in NYC who is at least moderately successful and doesn't drool on himself.  Why he's decided that the world revolves around this girl is a mystery that's up there with how the pyramids were built.  We have slowly discovered, though, that J.P. is exceedingly impatient and jealous.  Sure he's quick to flash a smile when it's all champagne and plane rides, but the moment that someone has to do the laundry, this guy looks like he might crack.  Nonetheless, these two seem about as genuinely into each other as we've seen on this show.  If they're acting, they're doing a great job.

I've noticed that Ashley likes to taunt J.P. a bit and keep him guessing.  The conversation about sending two guys home was pretty great.  He looked liked a five year old being explained algebra.  As much as these guys claim they don't look at things as a competition, they do.  Correction:  J.P. really does.  He looks like he wants to curb-stomp people that get in his way.  But of course it's all dimples and grins the rest of the time.

Last week we were beat over the head with how hurt J.P. was in his previous relationship, but the act is getting a little tiresome.  J.P. acts like he's the only guy that has ever been hurt before, and somehow this is supposed to win him endless sympathy and encouragement.  Since he's already the house favorite to walk over Ben in the final, you have to start thinking about where these two end up.  Will they overcome soul-crushing odds against their relationship surviving?  What happens when they're not living out of suitcases in exotic locations and going on expensive dates?  I like their chances a whole lot better than Brad and Em, but a whole lot less than Ali and Roberto.  I guess we'll find out.  I'll throw out early odds on a marriage at 3-1.  Takers?

With Constantine out of the picture and Ryan thoroughly emasculated to all but the most steadfast of supporters, we're left with the ever boring Ben and the confusingly smitten J.P.  If anyone was paying attention during the premiere, they could have predicted this finish.  While I like being able to guess these things, I'm also a little sad that it was so easy to do.  There just wasn't much to figure out, though.  We've also never had a season where dudes where throwing themselves off the show as often.

Ashley:  "I think this is the most important rose ceremony."

C.H.  (incredulous) "Is it?"

Of course not.  Total snoozer.  This episode limps to the finish.  Better would have been:

C.H.  "Two roses, two guys.  You still want me to do that thing where I say 'last rose tonight?'"

At least we get to see Ashley's sister, Kat Von D, being a "total bitch" next week.  There's also a lot of crying which I think could be potentially rewarding.  And it also sounds like Bentley will be back in some form during "The Men Tell All," but that remains to be seen.  I still think they'd be crazy not to throw a case of money at him to be Bachelor #16.  Ratings bonanza.

Don't forget that Pad 2 gets going August 8.  Apparently Jake is going to throw Vienna from a plane flying at 3,000 feet.  Should be a good one.

Let's Pretend Four Guys Like Ashley

Well friends, we're only a couple of weeks away from Bachelor Pad 2, and that's the good news.  The bad news is that we still have to slog through the muck and mire of Bachelorette Ashley on her inevitable journey toward short-term engagement.  I can only hope that you've been drinking heavily on Monday nights to make this more tolerable.  I know that I'll be sending in a letter to ABC requesting a formal apology, especially on behalf of the men that have been subjected to this televised horror show.  They don't know that many of us have no choice but to watch this, and it's bad enough having to sit through fifteen commercials for mascara without being otherwise entertained.  The least they could do is have someone that the average guy would want to date as the lead, but they've somehow even failed at that.  I don't expect I'll get a response from anyone, but if I do, believe me, I'll post it here.

This week we witnessed Ashley's visits with four very different families.  One thing that that immediately sticks out is how unnecessary four family "hometown dates" are.  Is she really developing feelings for four different guys?  Conversely, do they like her?  When do you introduce a significant other to your family?  When you're in love and have been dating for a while.  She barely knows these guys.  Along with my request for an apology, I'm submitting a list of proposed format changes.  I know they won't listen because they're too terrified of losing even more of their slipping market share, but I really think these changes would help.  One is that we don't need four hometown dates.  Ashley's lucky if she likes one guy out of these 25.  To think she'd need four family experiences is just stupid. No, it's insulting.  Let's have more potential for mayhem and less prim and proper meals with the fine china.  Sadly, we get our fill of the latter.

Constantine is a man rife with contradictions.  He bears a resemblance to Ben, yet they're not related.  He's Greek, yet he works in an Italian restaurant.  So much to learn here.  I see the stereotypes are being reinforced full throttle as their first stop is the restaurant.  I'm reminded of Seinfeld's buddy Babu Bhatt who was advised to return to his roots and serve Pakistani food only to fail miserably. Perhaps that explains why the Tzortzises are slinging deep dish instead of falafel in Atlanta?  It looks like just another run-of-the-mill Italian place in some strip mall somewhere.  The pizza oven has a conveyor belt?  Just like they do it in Naples.

Ashley notes a positive change in Constantine.  He's not as much of a boring stiff when he's at home.  He also seems slightly less afraid of females here which we can only hope can save him for another week because going to Fiji would be pretty cool.  I'm still struggling to see a physical connection between these two no matter how many waitresses they stack up at the window staring at them.  We're at week 8 of this thing and Ashley has to ask for a kiss, then follows it up by telling everyone that there's "definite chemistry" between the two of them which is the absolute surest sign that there isn't any.  I don't think we've had a more passion-free Bachelor(ette) series in history.  It's cringe-worthy every week.  I haven't seen this many sexless moments on a dating show since Love Connection.

Constantine's parents seem normal enough, but they also appear to worship their son in some strange way.  What has he done to deserve that exactly?  Male heir?  That welcome home banner was at least a $150 project from Fastsigns.  Seems a little over the top.  I particularly enjoyed his mom's southern drawl which was unexpected.  Of course they're eating like pigs here too.  You know, I went to school with a Greek kid and he was skinny as a rail.  In hindsight, I have no idea how that was possible given his eating habits.

I think the best thing about this hometown visit was Constantine's sister, Maria, who is particularly attractive.  This becomes something of a theme during this episode too.  Ashley seems to be superseded shockingly often in just two hours by random women appearing on screen.  Ben's sister pulls a similar stunt a bit later on.  Didn't they get the memo to ugly it up?

Another show suggestion I'll be submitting will have to do with the standard "so you think you're good enough for my son" interrogations.  Here's a perfect example of how The Bachelorette can't just be a simple transposition of The Bachelor.  It's like they think the leads are actually reversing gender roles in every conceivable way, and it's weird.  It's fine for a guy to get the third degree from dear old dad, but grilling a girl in a similar way just seems strange and wrong.  If anything, she's the one that should be grilling his family.  "Level with me, pops.  What am I getting into here?"

As if there was any doubt that the entire Greek population of Atlanta would show up for this event, your worries were quickly assuaged with an influx of overwrought Greeks not seen since the Peloponnesian War.  And instead of bringing implements of destruction, they brought more food, drink, and an smothering supply of free hugs.  To me, this would be equivalent to a lower rung of hell to have this kind family onslaught, but Ashley seemed to revel in it, and that makes her plain weird.  However, it's completely consistent if you think back to Brad's hometown experience in Maine where Ashley's family pulled something similar.  Their lack of sheer numbers were made up for in decibels.  Ashley seemed to enjoy every second of this visit, and I don't doubt it.  Still, you have to wonder why Constantine is such a complete bore given that his family is demonstrably crazy, at least in an entertaining way.

As much fun as it was dancing in circles and stomping on ankle-biting dogs, reality set in and Ashley had to be moving on to her next hometown date.  She obviously enjoyed herself immensely, but it really only masks the fact that there's still no pulse in this relationship.  Fortunately for Constantine, there's not even an EEG blip registering with some of the other guys, so he'll at least get that much sought after free trip to the South Pacific.  That has to be a huge win for him.  I have to think it was the pink dental floss that did it that very first night because he's done absolutely nothing since then to deserve a top three finish.  I wish that was hyperbole, folks, but it's a sad fact of the now infamous Season 7.

I don't know about you, but I was actually looking forward to this Ames hometown visit.  I felt like I needed to know what makes this guy tick after seeing him flounder around for weeks.  While I think I have a much better understanding, it provided about as much entertainment as reading a legal brief.  Ames' mother (I'll call her mother -- she seems like the type that would insist upon it) and sister are essentially the same person separated by about 25 years:  educated, well-spoken, overly protective, and insanely judgmental.  You can tell that they treat Ames like something of an infant, and he does little to protest it.  It's difficult to tell if his personality is a product of how they treat him or if they merely respond to his social immaturity, but regardless, this family is swimming in estrogen.  Ames' sister also has the distinct misfortune of looking a lot like Ames.  A quick comparison tells us that this wide-eyed deal sure didn't come from mom.

Sadly, we learn that Ames lost his father and his step father, both of whom were portrayed to be fine gentlemen in their own right. I think this probably explains, to some degree, Ames' personality and some of his quirks within relationships.  I so desperately wanted to understand the permagrin, and I think it's clear now that Ames doesn't want to exude any vulnerability whatsoever.  His overachieving personality seems to be some convolution of a compensatory reaction to heartache and exceptional DNA, but we'll have no way of understanding his red pants or his tendency to gracefully prance in lieu of running.  If there was ever a case study for finding the elusive nerd gene, Ames is it.

During the sit down discussion with Ashley, Ames' sister calls out the obvious:  she isn't the least bit into Ames.  Like, at all.  You know it's bad when the words "I want to get to know him" are uttered 8 weeks in.  Honey, it's the final four.  Let's all admit that Ames is a nice guy and just move on with our lives.  You can't pity someone into the finals.  Nonetheless, Ashley insists that she wants to "see the full Ames" which had a record scratch quality to it.  Even in it's most carnal realization, I really don't think that would help either.  In fact, with apologies to Farmer Ted, I'm not sure he's ever bagged a babe.

Unlike the hometown visit with Constantine, Ames' family was intent on starving everyone to death.  Fortunately, Ames had a private little picnic scheduled, but this plan foolishly ignores the grave history of picnic-going contestants on this show.  Many go never to return.  I think Kasey may still be sitting on that glacier to this day. 

On their little romantic excursion, Ames does what any savvy guy would do on a date and sells the boring.  In fact, he assures her that there's a long-standing historical precedent for being a bore, and that this is just the start of a long, mostly banal and mundane existence that the two of them can look forward to... probably a good fifty or sixty years worth.  Well, he's kind of right.  Sprezzatura refers more generally to performing difficult feats with apparent ease.  It's also not necessarily an endearing quality and sometimes connotes a defensiveness, which I think applies perfectly to Ames.  You'd think a polymath like Ames would have this romance thing a little better in hand. I guess they didn't offer that course at Yale.  Hell, even John Nash had better lines, and his approach was rooted in arcane non-cooperative game theory.

I've seen a lot of derogatory comments about Ames, but I'll don the kid gloves and say that he's obviously gone through a lot in his life losing his dad and step-father, and has a couple of overbearing women to contend with in his family.  In the previous entry to this blog, I suggested that Ames was likely the leading candidate for the next Bachelor (at least on my scorecard, barring any unforeseen contenders).  He's probably the sentimental favorite, but his inability to foster any kind of romantic interaction with women is probably going to exclude him.  God help us if Ryan gets the gig.  I get a pretty strong Marcus Bachmann vibe from that guy.

There are a couple of guys who seem to have had sex in their past, so let's get to those hometown visits.  The way that Ashley runs toward Ben demonstrates that she looks at him in a much different way than either Constantine or Ames.  In the past, this trite display had little to no meaning as they all ran like idiots toward each other, but given the cast of eunuchs on this show, we can actually learn something here.

What continually amuses me about Ashey's portrayal of Ben is how "super hot" he is.  Now, granted, I'm a heterosexual male, so perhaps my ability to rate dudes is a bit off, but if "hotness" is what Ashley was gunning for during this amazing journey, then I think she failed miserably.  J.P. seems to be the consensus "hot" guy remaining, and I think he's only earning that title by virtue of his dimples.  I think.  Anyway, word from Ashley is that Ben is scorching hot and a "real guy" which was evidenced earlier in show by his prowess with a scooter.  I see the producers have a sense of humor.

Not that my upbringing was horrible or regrettable, but I kind of wish I grew up in Sonoma.  What a cool place.  I think your odds of making wine as a resident of Sonoma are probably 204,384 times higher than the average person growing up elsewhere in the U.S.  Sounds like a pretty cool job, if you ask me, but for some reason Ben seems to make it look about as dry and lifeless a profession as possible.  I think I had more regard for the dynamic field of mortuary science after seeing Shawntel's hometown visit than I did for winemaking with the ultra-boring Ben.  Actually, Shawntel's visit was somehow even less morbid than this fiasco.  I get that Ben also lost his father, but I didn't expect it to dominate the mood the entire time.  Way too many tears here.

You know, this season has just been a trail of bodies.  You have all of these guys without dads, not to mention West who found his wife dead in a tub amid strange circumstances.  It's super creepy.  Can we not cast people who are obviously bereaved or potential suspects?

Early on, I was a fan of Ben's.  Seemed down to earth, had a cool gig, didn't say anything stupid.  It's amazing how much this guy's stock has sunk over time, at least in my eyes.  Aside from the family tragedy, over which he has no control, we start to realize that he's yet another guy that has a confusing past of dating relatively few women.  What's going on here?  The explanation given is that Ben had a string of superficial relationships where he wasn't emotionally invested, but all I can see is a guy that would shed tears at the mere sight of spilled cabernet.  He was built to be an emotional mess.  It's his calling.  We must be missing something.

Another problem I have is that Ben is the linguistic gemini of a certain perpetually scruffy bar owner from Austin.  He doesn't seem as outwardly dopey, but the way that he talks almost requires me to switch my brain to 1200 baud.  It's just painful to listen to.  Not that Ashley is penning any prose herself, but I don't find myself mentally hibernating when she speaks. 

Ben's sister Julia is also cuter than Ashley, even with the patented Stepford Wife chaste look she's working.  In fact, she's a lot cuter than Ashley.  I noticed the camera framing her up on her in a few shots.  This family is pretty uptight as a whole.  Mom is certainly no picnic.  She seems about as wild as Condoleezza Rice at a treaty signing.  Ashley is used to injecting humor into these situations to cut some of the tension, but not here.  No ma'am.  It feels like you're at a funeral home run by a Barbra Streisand look alike.  I'm pretty sure I heard a brief giggle from Ben's mom toward the end, but I'll have to run it in slow-mo to be certain.

Despite all of this, Ben is still the second best option out of these four, and that certainly speaks to the weakness of this field.  Apparently he's getting by on his looks (which seems preposterous on its face) because he's done just about everything to sabotage his standing during the show.  Oddly, Ashley summarized her Sonoma visit as "over the top"  Over what top?

J.P. gets the anchor leg and juggles the baton a bit himself.  He's either shown some vulnerabilities lately or they're going out of their way to highlight them in the final edit.  No matter what they do, it can't possibly look any worse than the three trips Ashley's been on to this point.  Despite his marginal protests that he's "not ready" to confess his love for her, J.P. is showing every indication that he's all the way there (for whatever reason I've yet to discern).  He's the only person, other than that freak Ryan, that has shown any emotional investment in Ashley whatsoever.  It also happens that she has reciprocated his affections, so there you go.  This isn't rocket science, and we sure as hell didn't need any spoilers this year, but thanks anyway, Steve.

Roller skating actually isn't a bad date (at Hot Skates!).  I went myself a number of years ago.  What is shocking to me is that these places still exist.  I was certain they were all demolished years ago, but everything old and lame become ironic and cool again.. eventually.  Much as I remember it, the rink they go to has no one in it.  Sure, they rented this place out for the show, but I'm willing to bet that's pretty much how it looks most days... with REO Speedwagon as the current house band.

Do any of these guys have an extensive dating history?  Forget extensive.. how about normal?  J.P. is 34, and yet we learn that he's only had a few people over to meet the family.  After a while you start to realize that they must have cast things this way.  What else would explain it?  Delving a bit deeper into it, we keep hearing over and over about this painful past relationship that J.P. had.  Everyone mentions it and points it out.  What the hell happened that would merit that kind of build up?  Was he abducted?  I don't understand how bad it could have been to the extent that it was brought up a dozen times.  And since when does a grown man get coddled like this by his family regarding his relationships?  Oh right, Ames.

Wait, didn't Ashley's last ex die or something?  Right before the last show started filming?  I don't remember anyone going on and on about that.  In fact, I don't recall hearing a single acknowledgement of this on either show.  Now that's weird, boys and girls.

Well, none of this really matters in the end.  J.P.'s going to win this sucker, and there's nothing he can even do about it at this point.  They can throw in red herrings all they want in previews, but it's an ultra-mega lock.  Bet the mortgage, and the mortgage on that mortgage. 

Dear J.P., You look great with a mullet.  Good luck.  Your friend, Ames.

All of the guys need to fly back to L.A. so that Ames can be awkwardly dismissed and Constantine can wear a plaid tie.  Where does one even find a plaid tie?  Sadly, this didn't have the payoff I was expecting.  Although I am a fan of Ames as a person, I was hoping for an induced infinite loop causing some kind of catastrophic meltdown.  I figured this guy must have some incredible pent up inadequacy issues that would manifest given a proper stimulus, but even Ashley showing him the door wasn't enough.  Gracious in defeat, that permagrin was still on full display all the way into the limo.  There were a few "does not compute" moments from Amesbot, but overall he got through the night without rebooting.  I also thought we'd see Ashley break down a bit feeling terrible for the guy, but it seemed pretty clinical overall.  I don't think she really gave a crap.  This was a moment worthy of week 3 at best.  Regardless, Ames has definitely set the bar for how to pity your way into the final four.

"And now I'm back to sharing a lifetime of adventures with... myself.  Which is... less enticing."  

How true that is.

Looking ahead to next week, we see Ashley's bitchy, tatted, attention-starved (and budding extreme couponista) sister mixes things up a bit.  No doubt she hates this show as much as we do.  I say bring everything you got and then some, girlfriend.  We need it.  Somehow she got even trashier since last season.  Maybe they should offer the guys a choice:  you can either pick Ashley, or you can have her inked-up, pissed off sibling who likely self-mutilates and drinks turpentine.  Oh, I like where that could go.

If you're still not sold, remember that Jake and Vienna will be renewing their hate-hate relationship on Pad 2!  (That's what I'm calling it now.)  Enough with amateur hour.  It's time for the professionals to take over.

Handicapping The Next Bachelor

Assuming the franchise survives the Ashley fiasco, I think it's time that we start looking forward to casting the next Bachelor.  Knowing that the trend is to bring someone back from the prior season, let's take a look at the contenders: 

Remaining four:

• Constantine
• Ames
• Ben F.
• J.P.

I think we can all agree that J.P. is going to win (don't send me grief about "spoilers" on this one.. it's been completely obvious from day one), so let's set him aside for the purposes of this discussion.  (He'd be the no-brainer choice should he not win.)  Among the remaining three, I think we can eliminate Constantine as I'm not even sure he's aware this is a dating show.  Winemaker Ben has also shown himself to be somewhat scared of girls, and to this point maybe teetering on the fulcrum of actually considering reciting the "L-bomb" (lesbians?) in his head with respect to future relations with Ashley.  I'm kind of tiring of him too, even though I had some high hopes early on.  Kind of a snoozer.  Ames, though, is an interesting option.  He's completely weird, but in the nicest, nerdiest, non-threatening way possible.  He's the kind of guy you'd entrust to look after your girlfriend while you take a month long trip to Europe.  Maybe in a post-Brad world the franchise needs to cleanse itself of past sins.  Imagine the awkward TV that would result with Ames and 25 hot women.  I'd sign up for that.  Let's put him on the short list.

Going back four more:

• Lucas
• Ryan P.
• Mickey 
• Blake 

Lucas has some significant ex-wife baggage he's still working out back in Odessa.  Oh, and he's also a bore.  Pass.  Mr. Blue Sky Ryan P. is much too fabulous for this show.  We're going to need a confirmed heterosexual for this mission.  Mickey actually might have a shot, but his weird implosion over some principled stand against Bentley tells me that he's not going to play ball.  No one likes a quitter.  Blake actually had a decent run, but are they really going to feature back-to-back dentists?  I think not.  So that leaves a maybe for the 2010 Cosmo Bachelor of the Year and Ames as potential Bachelor material of the final eight.  Yikes.

What else do we have?  Any wild cards out there?  How about Bentley?  If it were up to me, I'd cast him in a microsecond.  Millions of angry women would protest and cry foul, and then dutifully tune in each Monday so they could renew their anger.  ABC pulled something like this by bringing back Brad, and that actually worked out pretty well, but this would be taking things to a whole new level.  I don't think they have the balls to do it, but it would be ratings gold.

Speaking of Bradley, the man is newly single and ready to find love again.  Maybe he could go for the hat trick?  Yeah, it's not going to happen, but I'm going to formally nominate him for the Bachelor Hall of Fame.  This guy is a first ballot lock.

How about William the insult comic?  I'd much rather see Triumph try to leg-hump the ladies than have to suffer through that again.

Masked Jeff?  I guess if they want to drive a stake through the heart of this thing, that might be the way to do it.

Going back to Ali's season, assuming Roberto doesn't jump ship, we have:  hipster Frank, Chris Lambton, and Kirk.  Chris made a lot of sense instead of Brad last go around, actually.  Personally, I think he's a little stale, but I know he was a big favorite for the role.  Word on the street is that he's currently engaged to Peyton Wright (a Season 10 Bachelor contestant with Andy Baldwin).  Guess that's out.  Really?  Peyton?  I can't stand Frank, so that's a huge "no" out of principle.  Kirk was nice enough, but had the super creepy dad that was surely a serial killer in training.  No thank you.

This is getting a little depressing.  On our short list we have:

• Ames
• Mickey
• Bentley
• Brad (!)

If we grant that ABC will never bring back Brad for the trifecta, and they don't have the stomach for Bentley (who seems to not care about any of this anyway), then it looks like either Mickey or Ames are vying for the role.  I think it all depends on who would do it and what it will take to convince them.  For as busy as Ames claims to be running marathons and brokering deals, he sure seems cool with taking this long vacation whereas others have talked about how much they need to get back to whatever it is they do.  Mickey jumping ship was a problem, but not a fatal flaw.  He could recover and make it work.  Personally, I think the only sane choice is Ames.  He would bring the series back to its roots in Season 1 when uberdork Alex Michel bumbled along and ultimately picked Amanda Marsh (who?) leaving Trista Rehn to meet Ryan Sutter in the first ever Bachelorette.  Had Alex not spurned Trista, we probably wouldn't have the Sutter kids to point to as evidence that, in 23 seasons of this mess, two offspring prove the system works.


So there we have it.  Ames should be the next Bachelor.  That wasn't too bad.  Now let's just wrap up this pig and move things along.  I honestly can't wait.  In fact, I'm kicking around some notes already the next Bachelor season.  It's going to be great.  We haven't had a good tagline in a while:


The Bachelor Season 16:  Taking Dead Ames
                                                    Running on Empty
                                                    Let's Get Married, But Only If Your Other Boyfriend Is Cool With it
                                                    Yes, I Dress Myself
                                                    No Bentley, No Problem
                                                    Mother Won't Let Me Forgo My Individual Room
                                                    The Red Pants Diaries

You get the idea.

You're Still Here?

Ferris is right.  What are you doing here?  I told you this season sucked.  Do something productive with your lives.  Don't feel like you need to do me any favors.  I'm under contract.

Okay, if you insist... on to episode 7 of this mess.  At least we have Emily, right?

Well, here we are in Taiwan which, as you know, is the "hidden jewel of Asia," because people forget that despite its willingness to undercut most nations in the area of cheap labor, it also happens to have some trees, fog, and Taipei 101, which held the "worlds tallest building" title for all of six years.

It's been a couple of weeks since we last watched this trainwreck, so Ashley kindly reminds us of all the great traits that the guys have:  Constantine has some sweet curls, Ben is great at fermenting things, J.P. winks pretty well, Ames runs on batteries, Ryan is "safe," and Lucas is very Texan.  Such a rich and complex bouquet of men to choose from, and where better to find love on this "amazing journey" than Taiwan, home of 17 (shared*) Little League World Series Championships.**

* with the Republic of China

** disputed due to alleged use of older players

This time around there's three one-on-one dates and one group date.  Quite a change.  Like you, I have no idea what's normal for this show.  I haven't been paying attention.  All I know is that the roses won't be given out on the one-on-one dates, so guys can feel free to informally eliminate themselves without the pressure of finding out then and there.

Is it time for Emily yet?  I'm being told no.

This week we see the producers playing up the neurotic J.P. angle.  I have no idea if he's any more worked up over this competition than any of the other guys, but that's how they're selling it.  I have a feeling this is some lame attempt to make it seem as though he'll self-destruct before winning this, but it seems sort of forced so far.  I'll page flag this for later.

Constantine is up to bat first, which frankly delights me to no end since it's clear that, not only do these two have no chemistry at all, but I'm not sure Constantine is even aware of what chemistry is.  That's okay, there's no rose here, so no pressure... these two kids can just hop a slow train to some little town down the way to relax and be themselves.

It seems increasingly obvious that Constantine's family is batshit crazy because he seems to be priming Ashley to get ready for them should she visit them down the road.  I'm not sure what his grandpa has in store, but it sounded kinda naughty and likely criminal.  Like you, everything I know about Greek families I learned from various Nia Vardalos projects, and I'm sure that's a close enough approximation for what we're discussing in here.  Given a better crop of candidates, Constantine doesn't even sniff a hometown visit, but I'm starting to think the guy has a legit shot at making it that far.  The content of their date is the kind of stuff you take care of in hour one of your first meet up.  It's like they're still getting to know each other, and we're almost to the semi-finals.  I'm starting to see why she let Bentley yank her chain for so long.

Winemaker Ben gets next crack, and lest you think Constantine was going to win the Watching Paint Dry Award this week, we have ourselves a strong contender here.  Early on I gave Ben some props for being cool under fire and having some memorable shtick, but as time has gone on, he's revealed himself to be about as exciting as a Russian novel.  Worse for him is the complete lack of variation in the tone of his voice.  He's got the same expression whether he excited, upset, or asleep.  Still, I think there's some potential here, but these guys really need to start acting like they've seen a live girl naked before.  Maybe that's the twist...

"I can get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog."

Permit me to be serious for just a moment.  I'll be brief, promise.  Watching Ashley and Ben eat dinner, you see just how much Ashley is driving these interactions.  She's working so hard to get meaningful dialogue and to get some sense of a connection with these guys, but it just seems so forced.  It almost reminds me of a dentist asking you about your flossing habits, which would make some sense.  I know that none of them have had a lot of time to spend with her individually, but when you have a connection with someone, it's usually fairly quick and it never looks like what we're seeing here with Ben at dinner.  To me, this looks like a woman interviewing a guy to be her future nanny, not someone she wants to be the father of her children.  It's like an endless stream of these moments, too.  Ashley is trying to squeeze blood from a stone over and over, and these guys are just sitting there like it's a networking seminar.  And might I add that the wine was close to mine, but not quite the same.  "We'll talk about that in more detail on my hometown date."  Yes, this is what passes for confidence this season.

Is Emily ready for her close up?  We're not even halfway?

J.P. is showing some chinks in the armor by throwing a mini hissy-fit over Ben not getting home in time.  He'll make a great over-protective dad some day.  There's this odd parallel brewing between Ryan and J.P. that I'm not all that comfortable with, but I still like J.P.'s odds to keep it together reasonably well.  I think we all know that Ryan is going to burst into flames at some point, and really I'm kind of counting on that to get me through this episode.  You can't keep all of that flamboyance bottled up.

The group date is pretty dumb, and the guys don't really hide this fact.  Lucas is in a dress, Ames looks like Harry Dunne in his finest powder blue, and J.P. actually gets to wear a formal tux.  Of course J.P. and Ashley looked the most natural together, but he was still in some kind of mood, as were all of the guys.  Well, except for Ames who I think is just thrilled to draw another breath each and every day.  Nothing fazes that guy.  

If it's any consolation to Lucas, he looks and acts exactly like someone who is recently divorced and hasn't done anything to move on with their life.  His discussion with Ashley about how much he wants her to meet his family is stiff and uncomfortable.  She's, of course, positive that a little dentist from Maine would fit right in with the oil man's family in Texas.  Oh, I'm sure. "You put what on your fries?"  Maine might as well be Canada, which might as well be France.

Ames might be the single nicest human that's ever been on that show, and that's no exaggeration.  Yes, he's an unapologetic dork, but how can you hate on a guy who never said a bad word about anyone and who shows you a pic of himself in sixth grade which looks exactly like a mini version of himself present day?  Yes, Ames, we know you weren't popular in school.  Hell, you're not popular now.  You brought hot pink pants on this trip.  In fact, it's a minor miracle the catty casting staff gave you the green light for this show.  Nonetheless, you're a nice dude who has no realistic shot of winning this.  Anything you see positive from Ashley is probably out of pity.  She actually reeks of it when she's around him.  Again, any other season and Ames is sent packing maybe night one, but this year?  He's like friggin' Duke in the NCAA Tournament.  Well, maybe Villanova, but when they were decent.  Bottom line is that this shouldn't be happening.  No offense, Ames.

Now that J.P. is engaged to got a rose from Ashley, it's time for the second most anticipated moment of the show:  the impending demise of Mr. Sunshine.  Love the lack of running form, and love love love the pink shirt.  This is going to go great.  Only Ryan could find a walk through a sacred temple where people are praying to be "romantic."  It's only once they sit down to chat that we really see the extent of this guy's weirdness.  They even cued up the goofy music just so we don't somehow miss the awkwardness oozing from the screen.  I haven't heard that many uncomfortable chuckles since Kasey's impromptu song to Ali about helicopters.

This is the look mothers give babies with stinky diapers.

The only thing I regret about this 30 car highway pileup that is in progress is that it can't possibly last longer.  Sadly, most of the leads know how to cut their losses and let the driftwood sail down the river, but if they only understood how satisfying it is to see clueless people marinade in their own juices.

Fortunately, there's still a picnic.  Fortunately for us, at least.  Ryan won't be faring as well.  Apparently this is environmental chat time, because when the chips are down, nothing brings a girl around like a good discussion of green energy and tankless water heaters.  Sorry, Ryan, but the image of your dogs lapping Ashley at the door aren't going to save you this time.  When she gave you that first impression rose, it was for her first impression only.  Impressions two through 34,291 have been much less inspiring.  But take solace that you're her "perfect guy" if you were just more interesting, more attractive, less self-absorbed, and 15 other indispensable traits that you lack.

Paying it forward, Ashley pulls the ol' "I respect you too much to put you through the rose ceremony" card that Brad used on her.  There's always a nice symmetry to these things, no matter how awful the show gets.  Of course Ryan is completely blown away by this, and of course he stares at her way too long to be healthy.  We're easily talking a top five moment on this show.  I've watched it three times now.

This whole thing is setting itself up for a serious Lloyd Dobbler moment, minus the kickboxing and Peter Gabriel mix tape.

With Ashley's future husband safe with a rose, this is shaping up to be the most compelling and important rose ceremony yet.  Which also-ran will get the boot tonight?  No cocktail party required for this one.  Just send him up to the blocks, Chris.  I like decisive Ashley.  It's almost attractive.

We all knew Lucas would be getting the hook, and sure enough he does, about five episodes too late.  But at least he took things in stride.  And we haven't seen a good walking-out in a while.  Ryan just kind of got summarily dumped in an unmarked grave, but Lucas gets a full military burial.  I guess that's worth something.  At least we learned his name long enough to remember it for a few episodes.. only to be lost to the aether.  I don't know about you, but I'll never forget that serial killer-grade blank stare.

Great, that's done.   Bring on Emily!

Well, if there's anyone that can level with us about the realities of this reality show, it's Chris Harrison.  Did you know that some couples haven't stayed together?  Yeah, it turns out that some couples actually decide that a few weeks of sporadic dating isn't sufficient foundation for a marriage.  Even more depressing is that some couples don't end up having children.  It seems to almost defy logic that this could be true, but the stats just don't lie.  Unfortunately, Emily Maynard and Brad "The Bear" Womack couldn't make it, largely due to the overwhelming pressure of tabloids, paparazzi, and general media scrutiny.  Or so we are told.  Actually, I still think the few weeks of dating thing comes into play somehow, but you never know.  Brad's also a narcissistic douche, but that might only be reason 1A.

As many know by now, I'm a big fan of Emily, but this appearance was kind of a big sloppy mess and Em at her absolute worst.  The first thing I noticed was that she looks frail.  Maybe 90 pounds with the hair, shoes, and that monster necklace?  It's kind of sad to see her like this, and really it took all of the fun out of it.  I'd have much rather preserved my memories of Emily inviting Brad over to her place for some hot muffin baking only to have him skulk away in shame over the thought of li'l Ricki upstairs.  That was some magical TV that night.  Rather we get shaky, weepy Emily who assures us that she'll always love Brad and be there for him even though he'll probably be spending most nights closing the bar down as a single man in Austin.  Ick.  Let's just wipe this episode and move on already.  I can't really conjure up the sympathy.  I read Brad's twitter feed for the four whole days it was active and knew more about this idiot than Emily ever did.  You know what's sad?  Emily winning The Bachelor was actually her rebound relationship.  Yikes.

Well, I'm depressed now.  I'd much rather have watched a bikini fitting with Chantal in St. Tropez.  I'd have even settled for a mortuary infomercial with Shawntel.

Tune in next week when Constantine's grandfather throws dollar bills at Ashley, and Ames explains why he's dating the help.  It should be a good one.