Cry, Cry Again

You wanted the best, you got the best!  Bentley is back, baby!  Get ready for explosions!  Implosions!  All kinds of 'plosions!  Dot dot dots!  Vaguely formed syllables!  Plaid!


And the biggest thud in recorded human history.


Yeah, it turns out that Bentley is an even bigger bore steamed and seasoned with MSG than he is in L.A.  Let's just cut to the chase:  she goes to his room, gives him a peck, shows a minimum amount of backbone, and leaves.  Was that worth the $10,000 travel stipend and two weeks of promotion it took to get him back on the show?  I'm sure I'm not alone in being a little let down by that performance.


All of Ashley's realizations about Bentley are correct, but only after weeks of reflection and hindsight.  It's like taking an exam with the answer key and feeling satisfied you learned something.  If it took her this long to figure a guy out, god help her in the future.  I'm still not sure I understand the character of Bentley.  He's like a member of the Dharma Initiative on LOST:  you have no idea what motivates this guy.  If he's just there to mess with Ashley, then mess with her.  He never should have left, I think.  The guy was running his victory lap before he even made it to the finish line.  If you want to be the epic Bachelorette villain to end all villains, then do it right.  Don't leave after a few episodes and come back like a retired has-been.  Get your licks in when you're in your prime.  This Hong Kong version of Bentley is pathetic.  I don't want $5 Target t-shirts on clearance.  I want Cobain-era flannel and extreme mind-fucking.  Let's do this the way god intended.


How Bentley parlays this into anything lucrative or useful is beyond me.  From what I can tell, he upset every mother hen that is a potential client of his family fun center, and he didn't last long enough on this show for there to be much institutional memory.  For all of his preening and scheming, this is the end result?  We didn't even get a good exit interview.  No Bachelor Pad 2 appearance.  Nothing.  Where is our closure?


Somehow, we must soldier forward.  And it took all of about five minutes.


Ashley's Asian tour continues, and while I won't critique the scenery (which has been visually splendid), Asia really does seem like the perfect continent for our vertically-challenged bachelorette.  Even wearing heels 24/7 (does this woman own flats?), she is just barely blending in with the general public.  The lucky recipient of the first one-on-one time is burgeoning oil (equipment) tycoon Lucas Daniels.  This date seems to be set in Hong Kong's "New York Town" in a twist of cultural symmetry.  Here, the wide-eyed street vendors sell hot dogs and copies of the Times while muttering about the rent being too damn high.  Lucas, who has been somewhat invisible until recently, reveals to the surprise of absolutely no one that he's never been to New York, which is appropriate considering they are over 8,000 miles away.  It's hard to believe that a Texan would be bereft of cultural exposure.  It really is.


While Lucas seems like a nice enough fella, we have yet another date with zero sexual tension.   Well, maybe you could find a slight ping if you measured it on a logarithmic scale. On this season of the Bachelorette, this absolutely ensures that you get a rose so that you can hang around another week.  Following the script, Ashley kisses him at the assigned moment, and Lucas reciprocates by looking at her awkwardly and asking if he can do the same, as if this is an act that one can engage in solo.  I can't think of a season with more uncomfortable romantic moments than this one, and best of all, there's more of these to be had.


As this forced conversation proceeds, we learn that Lucas still very much hung up on his ex-wife.  I mean, honestly, is it that hard to see in his face?  He's going to march right back to Galveston, or Amarillo, or Beaumont, or wherever the hell he's from and pine away for her once he's sent packing.  I don't really see having an ex-wife as being some huge personal flaw, but that seems to be the way they are framing this issue.  Everyone seems to have some baggage they are toting around with them.  We'll come to realize that Lucas' biggest issue is that his time is valuable and that Ashley is apparently wasting it in some way.


For the competition phase of this episode of the Amazing Race Bachelorette, we have a dragon boat challenge where the guys must recruit people to join their team and paddle to the finish.  How this has anything to do with finding love I'm not certain.  Some of these guys are still licking wounds from last week's muay thai fighting experience which I'm sure beat the love of Ashley right into them.  We never did get confirmation that Ames fully recovered from his pummeling.  It's a little disconcerting that concussed Ames behaves similarly to fully healthy Ames.


The only thing I liked about the dragon boat race was the red kimono shtick Team Mop Top was running.  These two decided they were too boring to recruit a capable team, so they just went for the comedy.  The idea gets a 7, but the execution was about a 5.   Putting two dullards together like that was a brave choice that I'm sure resulted in some TVs changing channels.  Let's have fewer of these competitions, please.


In another "what are the odds?" moment, a lovely Chinese couple is getting engaged on the beach.  Huh.. so that's what it looks like.  Ashley wonders aloud: "who's next?" as if to insinuate that a couple of the guys might be headed in that direction.  I figure that's at least as likely to happen as someone is to propose to Ashley herself, especially after the captivating evening she has planned.


In a stunning development Ames unveils another of those stupid shirts with the shoulder straps.  The man is nothing if not predictable.  What we couldn't have expected, though, was his attempted assault on Ashley in the elevator, all 48 floors to the top.  Okay, it was still really forced and strange, but the guy went for it.  Charges are still pending upon his return to China.  Not cool, Ames.


Ben must've been waiting on the top floor too because now he's there smooching with Ashley.  Nice canary yellow sweater.  It looks like he just returned from spirited croquet tournament.  When in Hong Kong, dress as the well-heeled British do.  It reminds them of their oppressed colonial past.  You can't get a 99 year lease on anything these days.  

Fancy a scone, m'lady?

Ben unleashes his mini "bombshell" that he "wasn't really ready" when he first arrived on the show.  This is about as wild and crazy as Ben gets, folks, so buckle up and enjoy the roller coaster ride while you can.


I'm no fan of Ryan either, but Blake seems to be really upset by him being there.  I don't think he understands how this show works.  You want losers to hang around down the stretch.  This seems to be an obvious weakness with Blake, and it manifests itself in strange ways later during the Bentley discussion.  However, if Ryan is rose-worthy, then why does Ashley keep presenting him with her cheek?  Might this be a ploy for inducing drama since she and the producers know that Ryan is universally hated? Nah, couldn't be that.  It's sad what passes for interesting moments on this show.  Any other season and these tidbits don't even merit mention, yet about the only thing we have left is Ryan driving people crazy with his indefatigable effervescence.


A date with the presumed winner J.P. makes sense since she absolutely likes him the most of any of these guys.  Think about it:  you have 25 potential mates in a competition for your affections.. you're probably going to latch on to one or maybe two during the show.  It's hardly going to be some dilemma where everyone gets equal attention or has an equal shot.  Ashley has liked J.P. the most from about episode 2 onward.  The rest is just bad jokes, masks, permagrins, and flannel.  If we attempt to take this show seriously for a second (bear with me), it's at least noteworthy how totally smitten J.P. is with her.  She hasn't been emotionally available and hasn't done much of anything to justify this kind of attention from him, yet you can tell he's fully invested in her.

Ashley:  "What was the last thing that made you cry?"

J.P.:  "My ex."

This next part didn't happen... but should have:

J.P.:  "How about you?"

Ashley:  "Bentley."

J.P.:  "Oh, what the fuck!?"

J.P. is lying if he says it doesn't matter to him.  Of course it does.  Look man, I'm a fan and all, but let's get real here.  It speaks to her character.  It speaks to her emotional immaturity.  He really needs to do some pushing back.  It's not boding well that he's just taking this and obsessing about her without her doing anything to deserve it.  You need some hand in this relationship.


I absolutely love that Ashley thinks things will go over just as well with the other guys about the Bentley mistake as it went with J.P.  It's such sixth grade mentality.  Honey, not everyone thinks your shit doesn't stink.  Maybe Ryan is good with it.  The other guys, not so much.  It's so weird for her to say "I'm so excited to get it all off my chest.  It's gonna be great."  You're excited about this?  It's going to be great?  Such a weird thing to say about admitting you're a moron.  Get this woman a dictionary before Inigo Montoya shows up.


The big reveal to the group goes over about as well as a mandatory furlough announcement at a union meeting. "I completely fell for him."  Cue the crickets.  Send in the tumbleweed.


We haven't had enough of Ashley "falling for" people, something which Brad mastered last season, but this was probably not the time to be spouting off about it.  What made her think this was a "great" idea?  Maybe she miscalculated her appeal with these guys, some of whom have now become adversarial.  Let's take stock of the aftermath:


ROYALLY PISSED:  Lucas (who apparently views this as a business transaction gone south)
Pretty Pissed:  Blake and Mickey
Irked:  Constantine
Switzerland:  Ben
All Good in the Hood:  J.P. and Ryan
Who the Hell Knows:  Ames


Some good comedy results with J.P. calling her admission of meeting Bentley to the guys "selfless."  Admirable, but no.  You can admit that this wasn't her best moment, J.P.  Even goddesses like Ashley have missteps up there in heaven.  Not to be outdone for obsequious sycophant of the evening, Ryan rushes in to perform damage control.  "I'm not like the other guys.  You can walk all over me."  He would have saved face by saying something along those lines.  What he actually did was even more embarrassing.  The guy is just way too eager.  Keep your eyes out for this one, ladies.  He'll be back on the market shortly if you're looking for a quality doormat.

"I'm getting a rose.  Suck it, Blake."

I've been watching this show with Jackie Gordon's running commentary, and for the most part she's been spot-on, but she does have a bit of a blind spot when it comes to Ames.  She commented about how he sees the "sunny side" to everything, including this Bentley debacle.  In case you haven't heard (and you probably haven't since you have a life), Ames and Jackie are a purported item following their appearance on Bachelor Pad 2.  Yeah, I can't see it either.  I had more hope for you, Jackie.  I was one of your biggest fans.  I nearly added you on Twitter.  I guess I'll have to move you down my big board now.  Sad day.


I have to admit that the guys' reaction to Ashley's meetup with The B threw me.  I knew it wouldn't go "great," but some of these hissy fits were a little over the top.  We already knew Blake was ornery about Ryan getting a rose, but this Bentley thing was just too much for this dentist to take.  He won't even let her sit down during their conversation.  And then he makes her cry.  You can take your hug offer and shove it, you heartless bastard.


Not to be outdone, Mickey takes some kind of moral (?) stand over this issue.  Rather than just wait it out during the rose ceremony, he takes himself out.  One guy asking to leave is a coincidence.  A few guys wanting to leave voluntarily is a pattern.  We have ourselves a full-blown coup in Hong Kong.  It sure seems like some of these guys are taking this whole journey a little too seriously.  What's interesting is that her insecurity is forcing dudes to jump ship, which was probably her worst fear going into the show.  If you want to define irony for someone and don't know how to do it, just point to this episode and tell them it's the exact opposite of what's going on here.


Prior to the rose ceremony we get this little nugget:

"I'm going to have a really hard time tonight, and it's only going to get worse."  

Lucky guys.


Harrison finds that he has to do some work tonight, which is unusual as he typically sleepwalks through his lines.  Have we seen a bachelorette sob like this before?  Is there anyone on national TV quicker with full-on waterworks?  His analysis is absolutely correct though:  you're telling these guys you feel in love with Bentley, and everyone is battling for second place.  There's going to be some fallout there.  That's why he gets the big dollars.


Everyone has a good laugh when we realize that Lucas has a rose, but probably doesn't want it anymore.  All of this is a massive waste of time.  There's oil to be drilled, baby.


Ashley boots Blake ending all hope of an all-dental final.  His obsession with Ryan was starting to bother me anyway.


Next up... Taiwan!  Hello?  Anyone?

Dancer in the Dark

I'm really kicking myself for diving head-first into this cesspool.  I feel cheated, you know?  Last season I had Channy's boobs and Emily's hyperglycemic personality to keep me entertained.  Now what do I have?  Nothing, that's what.  I can't even cheer for pink-clad Ames getting knocked loopy during a muay thai sparring session.  And that's weird because I should want that.  Something just seems all wrong about this season, and something tells me it's only going to get worse as they attempt to squeeze every last drop of manufactured drama out of this Bentley thing.  If that's their big trump card, they might as well shut it down now and move to Bachelor Pad 2.  I'd rather watch Jake fawn over sunken eyed Vienna again on a loop than subject myself to what I witnessed in episode 5 of this turd.

Say, did you know that Chaing Mai is the perfect place to fall in love?  In addition to Ashley asserting this, Ames also informs us that, of the 45 cities he's been to in Thailand, Chaing Mai is number one to fall in love in.  You can also tell this is the perfect spot for love by the fact that no one is falling in love here.  We've heard that [arbitrary city] is the perfect place to fall in love many times before, but at no time did I question this claim until now.  Maybe they had it wrong and Cambodia was the real perfect place to fall in love.  Or maybe it was Laos.  With all of the available perfection out there, especially in Asia, it's odd that they found a perfect place that seemed to be so imperfect at inspiring even a strong like out of anyone.

I don't want to harp on Ashley's appearance over and over here, but it's a little difficult not to say something about all of the hair extensions, fake eyelashes, and over the top makeup.  I'm also convinced that, in half of her shots, her butt is clearly showing.  It's as if the producers want to you realize they are pulling out all of the stops to make this woman appear more attractive.  I've never heard more forced comments about how "hot" she looks.  She's cute, but I think you could round up a large percentage of men that would strain to rate her above a 6.  If the producers thought she could carry this off with her effervescent personality and charm, they were sorely mistaken.  Super perky Ashley has turned into an emotional mess.  It's a price we pay every episode with a little bit of our soul.  

The week we get treated to the dreaded two on one date, and you know what that means, right?  On a show with an edge, it might mean something overtly sexual, but instead it means that someone is going to get a tattoo and be left to fend for himself on a glacier.   I'm almost giddy thinking about it.  I really hope it's entrepreneur and philanthropist Kasey since he invented the role.  To this day, no one guards and protects hearts like he does.  Sadly, we'll have to wait until August and the start of Bachelor Pad 2.  This William guy isn't cutting it as an understudy.

There's disturbing trend developing on this show where the guys genuinely seem to like each other.  No, I mean really like each other.  Remember Weatherman versus Craig the blowout hair guy?  We basically have nothing like that here.  It's as if these guys are all adding each other as contacts on LinkedIn instead of fighting with each other.  I blame Ames for this.  You can't really help but like the guy and maybe even feel bad for him.  There's no fire in that belly.  No vengeful streak.  No rivalry.  Just a bunch of backslapping, gladhanding, and god knows what else.  Even hand to hand combat turns into a touching moment worthy of an after school special.  Makes me want to vomit.  Instead of spreading out the drama and investing it wisely, they decided to pack it all into this one guy Bentley.  Dumb.  Now you've got to fly his flanneled ass back to China in the hopes that he can do some real damage in the 11th hour.

Despite pining away for Bentley, Ashley summons up the energy to go on some actual dates.  Ben the winemaker once again showcases his borderline catatonic approach to winning over a woman.  Bless her heart, Ashley took her ritalin before the date to seem genuinely interested.  Turns out Ben lost his dad nearly five years ago, which brings the total number of dead relatives on this show to about 32.  It's bad enough we have to deal with this weak lead, but do all of the contestants have to display massive emotional issues that cause them to clam up as well?  At least that creepy West guy is gone, but Ben is doing his best imitation here.

Similar to last week, we get this whimsical "let's go shopping in a local marketplace" date which never results in anything particularly interesting.  I remember Ali buying a bunch of stuff with Frank last year, which made you wonder how this was all shipped back home.  Of course Ashley does her best to claim this was all her idea because she needs to determine how they'll be in "real life" when they're jetsetting across the globe shopping in exotic markets. 

We were promised a kiss between these two, but apparently local religious observation prevents them from following through without being reported and beaten to a bloody pulp in a primitive Thai prison.   Rather than consummate this fledgling relationship with a peck, the couple decides to ideate one.  You cool with that, FCC?  I dunno, that was kind of hot.  Look, if I want to imagine sexual frustration, I'll read Jane Austen.  What's worse is watching these two try to convince each other, and the camera, that they'd be all over each other if it weren't for that pesky temple behind them.

And this is, from everything that I can calculate, a date with the eventual runner up.  We're saved by commercials: "If you'd like this be this boring on national television, go to bachelor.abc.com and click 'apply.'"

Oh look, the Kia Driven by Desire sales event.  You can get a Soul for $159/month.  Some of you should jump on that.

And we're back.  Ashley wants to know about how Ben got to be a fancy wine maker, and yet the way the response was edited, nothing Ben said answered this question.  It was kind of like, "well, we learned to make wine and then I started making merlot."  Sure man.  Most days, Ben can be found in the fields picking grapes right off the vine, which, when you think about it, is a lot like dentistry in that you get paid to do something.  Ashley is all excited about this wine making thing and asks if she can be a day laborer.  "Of course!"

It's pretty clear by this point that Ashley is starting to see a life with Ben F.  An everyday, mundane, boring, banal, tiresome life.  Don't get me wrong, I think Ben is a decent guy, but he's about as exciting as a can of diet Sprite.

Huh, Rookie Blue is still on. 

Anyway, from the rotating archive of Bachelorette group dates, we once again see the battle royal theme, but this time thai-style.  During Ali's season, I believe the men engaged in hot oil wrestling, so at least we've made some slight progress in gaying it down a tad.  Nonetheless, there one set of pink trunks and gloves, and perennial Lady Bing Trophy contender Ames makes no effort to wear any other set than the most frou-frou available.  We already know that Ryan is the token gay guy, but Ames is so nice that he often treads in that ambiguous space.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Like you, I did some handicapping of fight night and figured Nick would have a substantial advantage.  The guy's a personal trainer and has a pretty big reach advantage over most of the others.  I also figured Constantine and Mickey would be pretty solid in the ring.  Of course this was before I heard about Lucas and his extensive street fighting history.  Once I knew Lucas was such a bad-ass brawler I was like, shit, this guy will eat these amateurs for lunch.  You know what Lucas was doing while Ames was studying for the SAT?  Street fighting.  Which of course explains why Lucas was easily dispatched by a dentist.

Now, I get that Ames is lover, not a fighter, but for a guy that has run 583 marathons and works out 16 times a week, he looks completely inept in the ring.  I've seen better form from kangaroos.  Fittingly, Ames gets a mild concussion given that he isn't even defending himself and has to be carted off to the emergency room, but astute observers will note that his permagrin never once faded.  You have to wonder about the legal ramifications of this stuff and the waiver these guys had to sign.  

"ABC/Next Entertainment cannot be held responsible for injuries resulting from (but not limited to):  mental kissing, strong hugs, guarding of hearts, excessive roasting, flannel exposure, rose allergies, or muay thai boxing."  

Thankfully, Ames made a partial recovery and looked extra dapper in his trademark jacket and khakis from JCPenney. 

During a rare cocktail party, rare because she is usually doubled over in a sobbing heap questioning her worth to humanity, Ashley looks for a non-Bentley with which to bestow a coveted rose.  One contender is Lucas the street fighting maniac who has to be begged to show her how to swing a golf club suggestively.  Here's a woman who is literally sticking her ass out at a guy saying "come and get it," and he's only taking the invitation because they're currently out of artichoke dip.  No wonder she wanted Bentley so badly.  He was the only one to feed her attention-starved ego.  This woman is a reclamation project.  I don't know what's in her past, but good luck to whichever guy takes on this task. 

Blake decides he hasn't had much time with Ashley and makes his decidedly non-sexual pitch to stay in the game.  As much as I'm suspicious that there's probably something terribly wrong with this guy, he seems to be relatively normal given the remaining field.  Ashley seems to vacillate between guys that wants to heap on attention and guys who are safe.  Blake is very much the latter.  Eventually, she decides that Blake has earned the rose:

Ashley:  "Are you surprised?"  

Blake:  "I don't know..."

Whoa, look out for this lady killer.  Blake's confidence is only matched in its fragility by Ashley's.  All the while, Ames is still goofed up from having his noggin rocked, but those pleats still look crisp.  Cheers to Ames for being borderline functional in society.  I'll drink to that.  What's better for a concussion than some champagne?

Lest we forget about the dreaded two on one date with Quagmire and Weatherman 2 at the "Elephant Life Experience."  The only thing that could have salvaged this segment was if one of them was eaten by a precocious pachyderm looking to make a name for himself.  Sadly, there seemed to be adequate staff on hand to prevent this eventuality.

If there was ever a time to pull out a tattoo, this was it.  It's probably the same time in the show from last year when Kasey shocked the world with his indelible ink.  Ben C. looked like a zombie during this date for some reason and barely said anything.  More interesting was how spiteful, and, let's face it, bitchy, William became.  The show's past is littered with the corpses of backstabbers and whiners, and you can add one more to that body count after William's weak attempt to have Ben expunged.  It was great how proud he was of himself after Ben was shown the door.  "You didn't even question it!"  You fool, you've killed yourself!  Nobody's safe on a two on one, Will.  No one. 

I was a little confused what happened with jowly Ben.  The guy just rolled over and didn't put up any kind of fight, even knowing the other guy was trying to undercut him.  What happened to being ridiculously in love?  The wild overtures?  It's like he didn't care anymore.  But, can anyone blame him?  I'm not sure I can hold that against him.  It just seemed like he was sort of into Ashley, but maybe he found some pretty nice online profiles during the down time.

Since none of the remaining people are Bentley, Ashley burns the rose in a propane gas fire.  Of course the rose doesn't ignite at first, but eventually they get the shot.  Wither love?

With the bottom two out of the picture, Ashley has a renewed outlook and boldly proclaims:

"You're not necessarily looking to fall in love with me."

So hopeful.  So much optimism.  Can't you see why she's a natural in this role?  Changing her hair color a fifth time isn't going to help this.

Everyone can sense the dour mood and the guys are getting suspicious.  Lucas just comes out and says it:  you miss Bentley.  Finally, someone who's somewhat observant, and Ashley visibly recoils.  She has to know she's being an idiot about this whole Bentley thing, but for some reason doesn't care.  I'm wanting to say that it's such a lame thing to carry a torch over that it has to be fake, but I'm not quite there yet.

Most of these "tools, like, these freaking idiots" have figured out that the mood is somber.  The Jackhammer (Ryan) shows up all jazzed up and reassures Ashley that he's "into her" and wants to stick around to see just how much excitement he can bring to a one on one date.  Great timing here.  The mood couldn't be more reserved and Ryan's still running full speed ahead.  I'd love to see this guy at a funeral.  "Sorry I'm not more bereaved.  What do you want from me?"

Weird conversation of the night goes to Constantine who is accused of wanton bromancing on the set:

Ashley:  "Do you feel closer to the guys than you do me?"

Constantine:  "Naturally."

Constantine just confirms the vibe that a lot of people have had watching this show.  These guys are more likely to quit the show and form an all-dude commune than end up with Ashley.

I feel a little bad for J.P. who clearly likes this girl a lot (for some damn reason) and is objectively saying all the right things.  He's about as sincere as a person can be on a show like this, and Ashley is just wallowing in her own self-pity.  It's kind of ridiculous to watch this show as a competition given that it's been obvious from day one that J.P. is the only person who a) wants to win this thing and b) is capable of winning this thing, but still we have to pretend like there's some epic battle for the heart of Ashley brewing.  Much as in life, people gravitate toward someone in a group, and it's held true in this case as well, despite whatever manufactured drama they've tried to inject into it

Sitting down with Harrison, Ashley says that she's feeling "so strongly" about the guys which is an obviously lie and doesn't even remotely jibe with anything we've seen up to that point.  Rather than come clean about this Bentley obsession, Ashley has to grunt her way into Harrison asking, "gee Ash, is there something on your mind?  Grunt once for yes."  Somewhat appalled, Harrison reminds Ashley that "the guys are literally fighting for you."  Well, except for Ames.  He's not fighting for you.  He's getting concussed for you.

The real idiocy of this situation is that Harrison could end this whole mess by just showing her five seconds of Bentley on tape.  It's not like he's still on the show... he left.  Instead, he carries out this fake dilemma about how to resolve this situation.  All he'd have to say to her is "trust me, he doesn't like you.  Move the hell on."

Hey!  A special sneak peak at Bad Teacher!  Cameron Diaz is about 15 years past her prime.  Looks great.

Cameron Diaz is quickly venturing into Ellen Barkin territory.

Just a fair warning for the readership:  I might be jumping over to Expedition Impossible at some point, so don't be surprised if this blog suddenly reads very differently.

Later, Nick is cut loose because no one bought that he liked Ashley anyway.  Quite a finish.  Next week, we get Bentley in a hotel room, so that should be something.

I entreat you, stop watching this show now.   Save yourselves, while there's still time.

Hostile Witness

We can't sugar coat it any longer, folks.  This season sucks.  I don't know what else to say here.  As bad as Ashley has been, she's absolutely worse in this episode, and the guys aren't helping any.  It's so bad they had to call in Bentley for back up.  Actually, his ghost was the most exciting part of the two hours.  To be fair, there were a few commercials I liked as well. 

From this point on, I'm treating this show as the enemy.  I'm not going to convince you to watch it because it doesn't deserve your time.  In fact, I urge you to boycott it.  I'll soldier on because it's my job, but that doesn't mean we all have to be victimized by it.  I have faith that we'll see a very epic Bachelor to make up for it.  God I hope so.  We've earned it, and we're not even halfway through this dreck.

For some reason The Bachelorette Mad Libs formula seems more played out and stale than usual:

[Bachelorette] takes a trip to [exotic country] with [number] guys to [activity].  [Semi-normal guy] hates [weirdo guy] and confronts him for being [personality trait].  [Weirdo] can't believe it.  [Quiet guy] gets kicked off and says he's crushed after he put himself out there.  [Lunatic] still has [Bachelorette]'s heart and returns to rock the boat in an unforgettable Bachelorette that everyone will be talking about.  Chris Harrison "changes the rules" in a rose ceremony so that [number] guys stay and [number] leave.

Okay, Phuket.  Let's go to Thailand.  Say goodbye to this mansion.. until next season.  I hope they rent that place out.   Or have someone to flush the toilets every few weeks.

Now that I see Ashley clinging to the memory of stupid Bentley, I'm actively rooting for her demise.  I sincerely hope she fails at life.  Am I the only one?  I hope not, because this is the only correct feminist stance one can take.  Someone this dumb shouldn't be allowed on TV representing the XX chromosome set.  Adrienne Rich would tell you the same thing.  I almost want to believe she's going along with the producers here considering how completely idiotic her instincts are, but I think we all know better.  Ashley's a bit of a dim bulb.  I don't care what Ivy League dental school she attended and quit.  You have to wonder what happened in her past to be this out of touch.  Anyone rooting against Bentley should be shouted down publicly.  In fact, here is the official culpability breakdown:

I'm holding Ariel accountable.  Flounder is okay by me.  
Not sure about Sebastian.

• Ashley: 57%
• Production Staff: 24%
• Chris Harrison: 11%
• Disney: 7%
• Bentley: 1%

I wanted to throw Ames or Ryan in there for sport, but couldn't really find room.  The girl deserves the most grief, and obviously the staff has to share a good portion of the blame.  Harrison was complicit in this little charade, so he has to get some bad press no matter how much he and Ashley text each other now (true story) as good buddies after the fact.  Disney checks in for being the parent media company and putting out crappy princess movies that inspire women everywhere to be completely unrealistic about love.  That only leaves 1% for the flannel assassin, and only because I rounded up.  If you want to quibble about a few percent here and there, I'm okay with that, but Ashley is the majority shareholder no matter how you slice this pie.

Maybe you'd think that going to some exotic location would suddenly cure the ills that plague this show.  Well, you'd be so wrong about that.  I knew we were in trouble when one of my least favorite memes showed up on steroids.  Yes, now we have the principal shown booking dates with the Renaissance hotel concierge.  I nearly spit out my drink.  As if they'd leave the fate of the show up to Rainbow Brite here to decide how to spend the day.  It's not like it mattered since the pros' idea was rough sea'd out anyway.  I liked the classy touch of royalty-free sound effects.  The thunder was especially convincing.   Better stay mainland lest the Scylla and Charybdis get us.

Earlier in this series I sort of stuck up for Constantine thinking he had some invisible charm he was going to unleash on the world.  Boy was I wrong.  I guess I was lured in by the pink dental floss routine (who wouldn't be?).  I think the first sign of trouble was when he suggested that they go Hawaiian shirt shopping in Thailand.  Every season you have the two crazy Americans making a mockery of foreign culture, and they couldn't have picked a more suitable couple up to the challenge.  Yes, let's ask the smiling old guy about the secret to love via this convenient translator who happens to be walking by.  There won't be a more contrived scene on TV this decade.  I hope you all drank it in.

As all you history buffs will recall, Constantine the Great was a Roman emperor who led notable military victories against the Franks, Alamanni, Visigoths, and Sarmatians and championed religious tolerance throughout his vast empire.  These accomplishments are offered in direct contrast to Constantine Tzortzis' success on his date with Ashley the Small.  I never would have thought I'd see a guy other than Ryan babble this much, but Constantine proved to be the Greek God of Drivel.  Ashley was really feeling it, and you could tell with that three foot no-fly zone she dutifully maintained the entire date.  It's not a good sign if the word "friend" is ever uttered during a first date... or really any date.  The guy tried his best to explain how perfect it was that they were so stunningly boring, but the futures for Constantine stock stopped trading about 10 minutes into this thing.  I have to hand it to the producers for juxtaposing that mess with the guys talking about what a stud Constantine is.  This batch of dudes seem really intent on seeing each other score with Ashley.

That was a pretty hot date, especially if you were 12.  Somehow, Ames finds a way to make his date even more awkward and intimate.  I'm kind of surprised by Ashley's willingness to hand out roses on these awful dates.  I can't imagine what positive she took from her time with Constantine other than a wet piggyback ride in the ocean.

I suppose we need to suspend the cynicism for a moment in deference to the heart string tugging at the humanitarian group date.  Good thing they saved it for this episode because it needed it.  You can't hate on a charity for kids left parentless by the 2004 tsunami.  I like this trend they've started.  They did give too much credit to Ashley for planning it (to which she contributed zero), but who really cares.  Good for them.  They could remove the tokenism by doing a few of these things here and there.  It would give guys like Ben F. more chances to paint crude ill-proportioned elephants.  This particular event allowed less fortunate Thai children feel better about themselves at the expense of emasculated American men. 

Despite all of this warm and fuzzy, there seems to be an obvious segregation among the gents.  Here is how I see it breaking down:

Cool kids:  J.P., Blake, Mickey, Ben F.

Tweeners:  Nick, Constantine, West

Misfit toys:  Ryan, Ben C., Lucas, Ames, William

As much as it pains me to say it, the male dentist seems almost normal in this group.  Maybe it's because we haven't seen as much of him yet, or maybe it's because he had a one-man sit down intervention with Ryan discussing the difference between happiness and mania, but he seems to have at least one foot firmly planted on the ground.  I very much enjoyed Ben F.'s invention of the "Ryan Meter."  I think that must've been pegged most of the evening.  It's always fascinating to me to see such a stunning lack of self-awareness. Blake's talk with Ryan was worth paraphrasing here:

Blake:  "Ryan, I don't know how to put this, but... you're a freak."

Ryan:  "Really?   No, really?"

Blake:  "It happened."

That's got to be a bitter pill at age 31.  Most spazzes get some honest feedback in their formative years.  The solar CEO was probably homeschooled.  At least he had a good defense.  Again, paraphrasing here:

"I'm so happy to be in Phuket.  Sorry if that's a problem and I'm not feeling sad.  I'm happy because soldiers are dying from mortar fire and are miserable."

The USO could really use a morale booster like Ryan touring the military circuit.  Maybe he and Will could form a two man act where they swallow their feet whole on stage.

Amid the implosions, J.P. sneaks in there for some one-on-one time and makes it look easy.  Well, not Bentley easy, but pretty easy.  I have no idea what J.P. sees in her, but whatever it is, they're on the same wavelength.  No doubt he wins this, at least in my mind.  Well, unless there's a last second booking to Utah for an impromptu Mormon marriage.  She even digs the shaved noggin and the flyweight build.  It's your party.

Everything about this Ames guy elicits emotions from me ranging from stupefied to irate.  From a critic's point of view, should I ever go that route [wink], there's a lot of low-hanging fruit here.  While I'm a fan of the Oompa Loompa comparisons (and snozzberries in general), for whatever reason the image of his teeth are etched in my mind:

Ames, 30, Banker

A kayaking date that accentuates the natural beauty of the region is the perfect distraction from having to get to know one another.  It's not that the other person is a giant bore, it's that Phuket is so captivating, you forget to talk to your date.  At least until dinner where there's nothing to save you from the awkward pauses other than sipping water and nursing that salad.  What do you know.. Ames went to a Thai cooking school just around the corner.  He's also run five marathons (one ultra) since the show started filming.  You keep hearing how successful he is, and that appears to be accurate, but this insistence that he's funny is just blowing my mind, even hours later.  Funny?  Let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little messed up maybe, but he's funny how, I mean funny like a clown, he amuses you?

What's not amusing is Ames' terrible shirt, now in navy.  I just don't trust a guy wearing a shirt with shoulder buttons.  Having two versions of that shirt, given a limited wardrobe, is puzzling to say the least.  It's not plaid, but it's in the ballpark.

Ashley claims that Ames' weak performance saved him from elimination which raises the question of what it takes to be dismissed from this show.  Being a lying ass gets you a self-dismissal and a future cameo of your choosing.  We also learned that Ashley went all rogue and added a rose to this week's ceremony leaving one guy to hit the bricks.  Add a rose?  THAT'S NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE!  You're a crazy woman.  I guess she just couldn't bear to part with all of the great talent out there.  Personally, I don't think she's even aware that Lucas is still hanging around.

Ames is told that "nerdy is a good thing," and I think he even believed it.  The way she made him anguish over that rose was a thing of beauty.  Then she pulls the whole "Ames, yay!" when she finally hands it over, much like a mother says to a baby feeding himself for the first time.  I thought we already had the charity portion of the show.  Even Oompa Loompas had more self-respect.

With only one guy eliminated, there's not much drama to an already boring show.  West goes, and since he was hardly shown the entire episode, no one is surprised.  The most low-key guy gets cut leaving Ben F. as the catatonic king of the hill.  West reminded me of Ryan from Trista's season.  The guy barely had a pulse.  Ashley needs a little life, and that's why I figure Ben F. will probably make the finale and lose to J.P.  Maybe I should see if that's not how it's predicted to play out, but I'm too lazy at the moment.  That's just how it feels to me.

As much as I bagged on Bentley, I'm practically begging for something interesting to happen after this snooze-fest.  I just hope that Ashley attempts to mount him in his hotel room and is carted off for sexual assault.  Barring that, I feel like this season is on life support with a "do not resuscitate" order.

It was a run.

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.

Through passion, I gain strength.

Through strength, I gain power.

Through power, I gain victory.

Through victory, my chains are broken.

The Force shall free me.

                                          ― Sith Code

I got that from Wookieepedia, so it's legit.

It seemed fitting since the most hated man in the universe was featured tonight, and as Chris Harrison warned us, "there won't be one viewer that won't have a very strong opinion about what unfolds."  Now that I've seen the footage and had some time to mull this over, I have to say:  I don't really have a strong opinion about Bentley.

Actually, I'm a little clueless about what happened there.  Here's the timeline as I understand it:

• Bentley is cast on the show
• Bentley tells his apparent ex-wife he plans to promote his "family fun center" on the show
• The "ex-wife" tells friend, home wrecker, tanning professional, and former contestant Michelle Money about Bentley's plans
• Ashley gets cast as the Bachelorette*
• Ashley gets a text or two from Michelle about Bentley's plans to bail and not be "right reasony"
• Ashley "No Regrets" Hebert ignores the warnings and somehow falls madly in love with Bentley by show number 3
• Bentley leaves, dot dot dot

The only part I'm a little unclear about is when Ashley was cast.  I think what I have above is correct, but I'm not positive.  It seems likely that ABC cast the guys without even knowing who was going to be the Bachelorette.  Heck, drunk Tim the liquor distributor was a retread of casting calls from Ali's season (that would have been interesting).  Choosing the contestants seems to be a completely independent of who the lead is. You can't argue with that strategy. The show's sterling track record of love speaks for itself.

Since Bentley wouldn't shut up about Emily, it also seems plausible that the producers convinced him that Emily was or had a very good chance of being the Bachelorette.  That would explain some things.  Once he learned it was Ashley, maybe he wanted to bail on it and was talked into hanging around.  Who the hell knows.  Regardless, Ashley wasn't what he had in mind.  Well, I should back up a second.  He'd be cool with it if he picked her up and she happened to straddle him.  Maybe wrap her little dancer legs around him.  Then he could probably see some interesting things happening.

Bentley, 28, plaid enthusiast

The whole evolution into this dark overlord of evil seems to be a hastily thrown together scheme that they probably hatched knowing that Bentley wasn't super stoked about dating the dentist.  I'm sure there were discussions about whether he'd want to stay, and if he did, what kind of role he'd have that would be interesting plot-wise and lead to him leaving.  At that point, you might as well call him an actor.  I think we all have a level of cynicism about reality TV, but I do think most of the guys on there take the show at face value and look at it as a competition to find love.  In the case of people like Justin Rego, Michelle Money, and Bentley, they're full blown actors, and we all know it.  At least I hope we all do.  It surely explains why Harrison had a hard on over Bentley during the limo introductions.  He knew what was up.

So yeah, should we be outraged over this?  I'm having a hard time conjuring up the effort.  Bentley played a part written in the script.  Good for you, dude.  Happens every day.  Seeing Ashley's reaction is about the only thing that's worth noting about this, and we'll get into that, but getting all worked up over this performance gives the guy way too much credit.  He's not a jedi... yet.

There was more to this show, so maybe I should rewind.

Ben C. went on and on about wanting to dance with Ashley last episode, and sure enough, that's what he gets to do.  Anyone else tired of "flash mobs?"  I say if there's a company that specializes in them (Flash Mob America), the concept might have run its course.  FMA might want to move to a different web hosting service as it's currently getting crushed under the weight of tens of people wanting to learn more.  Oprah was actually moved to tears over one of these.  That was back when they seemed spontaneous and fresh.  And apparently emotional.

This version of Ben is kind of a bore, and Ashley gave him a "nice guy" rose.  I'm not sure if it's the Quagmire chin or his over-the-top declarations of what love means to him:

When I fall in love, I REALLY want to fall in love.  Let's shave our heads, move to a commune, have 15 children, and study Kabbalah!  Whaddya say?  You in?

After Ben's mini freakout about spending his life with another human, Ashley gave him the boilerplate "you're kind of a hopeless romantic" which translates verbatim to "you're fucking psychotic."  We saw a lot of this with Ali.  She was pretty good with the brush-off platitudes.  However, unlike Ali, Ashley didn't dislike Ben enough to give him the red light on some kissing action.  The way he's latched on to her reminds me of something from Aliens.  Godspeed.

I really hope the producers feel like idiots over this mask debacle.  The creepy organ shtick was okay, but it's not worth drawing it out over several episodes.  The upshot of the reveal was basically "wow.. you're old."  I don't mind some of the gimmicks, but that one was a dud that couldn't die fast enough.

You'd have thought there could only be one bout of crying in an episode, but you would be wrong about that.  I think we're starting to learn about the depths of Ashley's insecurities.  Apparently she was Maine's Junior Miss 2002 and carries a 3.96 GPA at Penn, but none of these things seem to correlate with confidence in herself.   Perfect time for a roast, I say.

There have been some slow moments in this show, but maybe none slower than several minutes showing guys writing in notepads.  This might cost them the Emmy this year.

I can't get over how completely strange Ames is.  It's probably the mouth breathing permagrin, but he's not doing himself any favors with that Member's Only shirt.  Turns out, he tooks pics with it in his official ABC bio.  In fact, that picture is how he looks all the time on this show.  Well, except the time he wandered into the mansion showing the camera his fake ballet tickets.

So, if you had to guess what would make Ashley sob like a baby at the roast, what would you have guessed?  Itty bitty titty jokes?  Pointy chin?  Fake eyelashes?  Weird eating habits?  Being from Maine?  Dropping out of dental school?  All good guesses, but no.  Rather, her inability to measure up to Emily and Chantal was the correct answer.  I love how resolute William was to make this roast a full-blown, all-out Jeff Ross roasts Pam Anderson style roast (the dig on Courtney Love is a must-see).  C'mon, people, is this a roast or a funeral?  Is this thing on?  Give it up for the last shred of Ashley's self-confidence! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!

Keep in mind that William aspires to be a comedian.  Think about that.

I have to say, Bentley knows exactly how Ashley ticks.  Well, not in a good way, more in a creepy psychological thriller way.  After that comedic implosion, he makes his move.  It was a little hard to watch, to be honest.  As much as Bentley is an actor, Ashley isn't.  That roast business messed her up.  It shouldn't have, but it did.  Then she goes from being decimated on stage to having Bentley tee her up for a 300 yard drive down the fairway.  "Insecure? You? Oh stop it. STOP IT.  I can honestly say that of 25 guys here, 24 are really excited it was you. The other guy wants to destroy your will to live. Oh, and William probably hates you too. I forgot about him. 23 guys are definitely lining up to date the 2nd runner up from Brad's season. Trust me, babe."

I'm not sure I like the pity party that's shaping up.  We're careening toward Bachelorette Season 7: Ashley in Therapy.  And you have William taking this a little too hard, frankly.  He's actually competing with Ashley for the title of most dejected.  In the first installment of this blog, I predicted William was the new guarder and protector of hearts, and that seems to be coming true in a strange new permutation.  The guy should definitely get a wrist tattoo.  Or hurl himself in front of a bus.  Something to get her attention.

The big build up was toward this bombshell that Bentley is leaving.  It's fascinating to see a guy put in so little effort to absolutely wreck this girl.  She's just eating out of his hand.  There is quite a nice dichotomy of nonchalance and and devastation.  I think this speaks less to Bentley's amazing Svengali-like charms and more to Ashley's willingness to latch on to the first thing that looks comfortable and safe.  I think what makes this scene a little hard to watch is how Bentley is telling her exactly what she wants to hear right up to the very end. He's probably not thinking much about it, nor do I think he is looking to ruin her.  It's good drama, and it's being encouraged by the production staff, so what do you expect?  If someone really feels the need to express outrage over this, the focus of ire should be with the producers and ABC.  Ashley bears a large fraction of responsibility as well.  "No regrets" doesn't mean put your hand in a buzz saw.

Bentley seems to be giving himself a decent pat on the back, but I'm still trying to figure out what this thing is "that's never been done before."  Huh?  Professional reality show contestant Justin "Rated-R" Rego forced his way into Ali's season and had a pretty good run.  Bentley is leaving just as things are getting interesting.  Why not try to win this bad boy?  If he shows up on Bachelor Pad 2, you might have your answer.  I still don't get how this promotes the family fun center... at least in any kind of light that is good for business. 

I have a suggestion:  bring in Brad as a replacement.  I believe he's available.

Purple satiny sheets, pint-size girl.. it's like we're watching the deconstruction of a teen losing her first boyfriend.  The only thing missing is a poster of Justin Bieber.  Ashley's setting back the women's movement a bit here.  She has no command of her emotions and no radar for BS.  At this point I just hope she makes it through this thing.  Let's see what Obi-Wan has to say:

I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.

The old man always was kind of a downer.  I'm not sure what commercials they air where you are, but there was an ad for the antidepressant Abilify® after meltdown number two. Subtle.

Even at the brink of severe depression, there's schedule to keep, so why not bring in J.P.?  At first this seemed like a terrible setup for the guy, but really it couldn't be any better.  Bentley breaks her heart in record time, and J.P. moves in to console her.  Not bad work, kid.  You can tell Ashley likes him with the "why are you single?" line.  Really, this is further evidence of her insecurity as if she can't believe that certain people would take an interest in her.  She's like a bag of goo at this point.  I suppose you can cut her some slack in the wake of Alderaan being blown up Bentley leaving the show, but she seems to have this perpetual mindset of self-doubt.  It was clearly on display during The Bachelor, and it's what sank her chances with Brad.

Donning the glasses was clearly a protective metaphor.  She couldn't have been more standoffish with that move, and the guy even brought his best jammies too.  Eventually, J.P. wore her down, but not without a little resistance.  This date did nothing to dissuade me from thinking J.P. wins this thing in the end.  Shorn head be dammed, he's doing everything right so far.

"J.P. over Bentley in the kiss department." YEAH, SUCK IT, BENTLEY!  I'M IN CONTROL.

Well, maybe not because she's still weeping softly about the lumberjack.  Harrison finally has a moment of value and rubs some salt in the wound asking "WTF!?!"  Good for you, man.  She deserves it.  Only she's still not quite sure if Michelle was right about Bentley.  "No regrets" is on life support here.  This must be brutal for her to watch in hindsight.  If I were Ashley, I'd want this show scrubbed from existence.

The worst part is, she actually has to invite Bentley back at some point to get closure.  They've already overplayed their hand with this guy, why even bother?  I guess "dot dot dot" was enough to keep her up at night over the possibility of them moving to Salt Lake City and having babies together.  William could probably pull one of these:

and she wouldn't blink, but Bentley verbalizes an ellipsis and she can't function for weeks.  Remind me why she was chosen for this again?  I miss my Channy.

The Elephant in the Room

As all rabid fans know, this (gasp) isn't the only blog religiously covering The Bachelor franchise.  In fact, the space is pretty saturated, as I've found out through some googling.  You'd think this would be something of a niche topic, but it's really not.  It's fascinating how many people are behooved to air their opinions about this show, but quite frankly, most of them are pretty awful.  Of course you can judge for yourself the novelty of this blog, but I feel pretty confident that what appears in this space is at a minimum smirk-inducing and not repeating the obvious.  Not everyone can look themselves in the mirror and say that truthfully.

Perhaps the "cock of the walk" of Bachelor blogs is Reality Steve.  From what I can tell, he discusses many different reality shows, but clearly The Bachelor franchise is his bread and butter.  I don't know what kind of traffic that site generates (he has recently claimed 600-700k unique hits per month, which is nothing short of an ass-load), but it's safe to say that they're doing pretty well over there in Reality Steve-ville if he's seriously contemplating quitting his day job.  I think he sells mattresses or something with his dad (honestly, I forget and am too lazy to look it up again), so I'm sure he doesn't need his arm twisted too hard.  

The interesting thing about Reality Steve isn't so much the commentary, which on a good day is maybe about a 6.5/10 on the reality blogger intrigue scale, but he has somehow hooked up with a slew of sources that provide him with nearly iron-clad spoilers.  The accuracy of the info suffers a bit once the field narrows (he screwed up his final calls the last two seasons), but overall the track record is very good.  So, if you're dying to know how the show played out before it airs (details of dates, eliminations, etc.), Steve's your guy.  And there's tons of value in that, to be sure.  He is cited and interviewed constantly by media outlets, and I don't see a lot of independent sources for this kind of spoiler info.  Somehow he's the go-to dude for revealing what happens on the show.

Now, given that there's a guy out there peddling, say, 97% reliable spoiler info on this show, it kind of eats into the concept of making predictions about what will happen.  Indeed, our man Steve has recently revealed the last man standing for this season.  I took a stab at crowning a winner prior to this info surfacing, and that probably wraps up any attempt at handicapping this race, unfortunately.  While the spoiler info is easily available and repeated across the social media universe (people are expressing less shame in doing so lately), I'm going to refrain from acknowledging it here.  Not that I have some principled stance against revealing things like this (I couldn't care less, frankly), but that's more his deal.  To me, the details of how the show plays out in real-time and judging individual interactions are the interesting parts, not just filling out the bracket.  Like many of us, Steve has a love/hate affair with this franchise, but there seems to be more hate than you'd expect, which is plenty ironic since it's a source of constant attention and a reasonable income for the guy.

If someone makes it his mission to spoil the outcome of the show, that takes away some of the fun, especially with predictions, but I think it leaves a lot of room for analysis of individual personalities and how the show operates in general.  Steve seems to have personal squabbles with Mike Fleiss and other production people at ABC/Next Entertainment, and reading his blog you get the sense of a bitter guy much of the time which, I think, compromises the value of what he's doing.  There's way too much serious business going on there and not enough whimsy.  Dammit, this is supposed to be fun, not a pain in the ass.  I also think readers aren't really interested in your personal vendettas.  You get the sense the man wants to ruin the show out of spite which seems like a strange take on the whole reality show blogging process.  But, whatever.. that's his thing, and it's basically patented at this point.  I think the commentary is nicely acerbic and sarcastic, and we here at Real Epic Journey can certainly appreciate that kind of thing.  Consider me a fan of Reality Steve, overall.  I like this guy's moxy.

With that light housekeeping out of the way, I'd like to segue into some discussion of the Bentley situation before the whole matter comes to a head on Monday.  If you look at this show as scripted reality, maybe something like The Hills, then there really isn't much mystery here.  I wrote extensively on Michelle last season (which only a handful of you were blessed enough to read), and I think the similarities to what is going on with Bentley are numerous.  I've referred to Bentley as a "plant" previously, and I stand by that label inasmuch as he was selected for his willingness to go along with a constructed narrative.  We don't have specific info that the guy was recruited and told to do exactly what he's doing, but it's likely that the producers selected him knowing that he wasn't high on Ashley and perhaps even thought that the Bachelorette would be Emily or someone else.   They probably also figured this guy was a touch egocentric and sufficiently douchey, which of course would be perfect for increasing the potential for drama.  Once he was there, you'd better believe that they egged him on and reinforced his behavior.  I don't know if they have monetary rewards for this kind of thing (e.g., is mask-boy paid more?), but he probably deserves a little extra scrilla for inducing tears.

If you look at this whole charade through the prism of a scripted show, it's a little difficult to be genuinely outraged by Bentley's behavior (sorry, 95% of women viewers aged 18-34).  It would be similar to getting all worked up over a soap opera script rife with double-crossing and back stabbing.  The interesting thing to me has been how Chris Harrison has reacted to this.. calling Bentley's behavior "disgusting" and publicly chastising the guy for doing what the producers, and likely himself included, were complicit in orchestrating.  The question isn't whether the show is scripted and contrived, but to what level.  How much "reality" is in this reality show?  When you have your robotic host tweeting and blogging the manicured narrative outside of the show, it becomes something more than just a scripted show:

Now let’s deal with the elephant in the room, Bentley. Many of you have asked why we allowed Bentley to stay on the show and why I along with the producers didn’t warn her about him. I usually stay pretty impartial while talking to the Bachelor or Bachelorette. I am free to give my opinion but I don’t think it’s my place to ever tell anybody on or off TV what to do and who to love or not to love. I give my opinion and ask probing questions that will help get my point across, but I really think its important for the person to figure things out for themselves and it’s presumptuous to think I know what’s best for them.

With that said, this was not the case with Bentley. Ashley will attest to the fact that I told her that first night she might want to nip this in the bud and send him packing, or at the very least be extremely careful with this guy. She convinced me and everybody else that she was going to give him a chance and follow her gut. Once the show starts I can and did continue to warn her and talk to her about this guy. (You’ll see more of my deliberations with her in future episodes.) To say Bentley is not here for the right reasons is a gross understatement. But it seemed the more I warned Ashley and told her to run for the hills, the more she protected and defended him. At some point you have to let the person find out for him or herself what the truth really is.

After you're done laughing at Harrison's claim that he asks "probing questions" or has some other helpful role on the show, stuff like this demonstrates how willing those affiliated with this show are to mess with people for their own gain.  Surely Harrison doesn't want to risk giving up the greatest gig in the history of broadcast television, so his allegiances are obvious, but it's getting a little creepy at this point.  Here you have the host of the show, in outside interviews no less, claiming that everything you see should be taken at face value.  You'd laugh if someone's emotions weren't being openly toyed with on national television.  Apparently this presented no moral dilemma for Harrison?  I'm sure the money helps quell those concerns.

Of course there is the possibility that Ashley herself was complicit in all of this, but after some thought, I don't believe so.  In order to preserve spontaneity and a glimpse of raw reactions to tense situations, I think the dentist was in the dark on this one.  The only thing that causes me to doubt this was Ashley's willingness to dive in head-first with Bentley after having been warned about him.  She seems to lap up everything Bentley says and does, and goes so far as to say that she "completely fell in love with Bentley" which seems completely asinine.  In my previous post I stated some reverence for Ali Fedotowsky as the previous Bachelorette, and that was based on how she managed the game during her season and as a contestant on Jake's season of The Bachelor.  This was a girl who dropped out of the show to resume her job with Facebook, and later cut loose Mr. Guard and Protect Your Heart in favor of the Wrestler (which was the correct move in a no-win situation).  Her only blemish was an odd fascination with Frank the hipster doofus, which I could never completely figure out, but other than that, her performance was nearly surgical in its precision.  Obviously we aren't dealing with someone of Ali's caliber in Ashley, but she doesn't strike me as a total idiot either, so it's puzzling why she'd be so willing to subscribe to the Bentley newsletter.

Ali Fedotowsky:  I'd be proud to call her my Facebook friend.

From what I've seen of the preview, Bentley is laying it on awfully thick, and I stress the awful here.  "I hope my hair looks okay."  Yes, how non-chalant and cavalier of you.  Why not just wear a sign that says "Please hate me, I'm the show's uber-villain!"  We get it.  You're mean and evil.  You hate all women who don't rate at a 9.5 or better.  All the other guys are tools.  Understood.  I suppose you can't be too overt with most of the viewing audience who will buy whatever you're selling.  I just wish it wasn't so intellectually insulting to the rest of us.  Believe me, I'm all about the drama and emotion, but the fromage factor is off the charts here.

What does Bentley get out of this?  I don't really know.  It's probably not going to encourage scores of moms to bring their kids to his "family fun center" in Salt Lake City.  It does have potential as a foray into acting, oh and landing a sacred spot on Bachelor Pad 2 — I fully expect him to be there.  And I hope for the love of Joseph Smith that we see Mr. Guard and Protect there too.  And Michelle.  And Vienna.  And Jake.  Oh, and Madison too.  Can we just skip to that?