Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

In 1928, D.H. Lawrence wrote Lady Chatterley's Lover, a daring, ribald novel depicting a steamy relationship between a schlub and a woman of means.  At the time of publication, it was cutting edge stuff.  Like, really naughty and such.  In fact, it wasn't openly published in the United States until 1959, and only after legal intervention, due to all of the salacious descriptions of sex and use of words that made women blush and men recoil in feigned horror.

In fact, Senator Reed Smoot (R-Utah) opposed an amendment to his beloved Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act which would have ended the practice of U.S. Customs censoring books with "questionable" material.  He felt so strongly about this that he threatened (though never followed through) to read "indecent" passages in the Senate:

"I've not taken ten minutes on Lady Chatterley's Lover, outside of looking at its opening pages. It is most damnable! It is written by a man with a diseased mind and a soul so black that he would obscure even the darkness of hell!"

Some pretty strong words from the right honorable gentleman from Utah  You can clearly see how much Congress has changed in 80-some years.

So what does all of this have to do with a pint-size dentist from Maine and her journey to find real, honest, true love?  Well, nothing, since this show will be more in the vein of Senator Smoot's vision of America than D.H. Lawrence's bawdy visions in his mind, but I felt I should get the first literary allusion out of the way.

David Herbert Richards Lawrence (11 September 1885 – 2 March 1930):  He thinks we're all a bunch of prudes

Now, some of you might ask:  "Hey, what makes you qualified to blog about this show?"  That's a really great question, sir/madam, and I'm happy to answer it up front.  For starters, I took this quiz on ABC.com just now and scored a very adept 7/10.  Good enough, but not too good, if you know what I mean.  It shows that I'm not some deluded insider who is afraid to take on the system. I care enough to know that Ashley has a new weird hair color, but not enough to know that she would also take a phone to a desert island.  Trust me, you don't want some superfan writing this blog. I need to be honest with you, in good times and bad... sometimes brutally so.  If you don't have the stomach for this, please exit now keeping in mind that the closest exit may be behind you.

I should also add that I, too, have dated a very short periodontal professional, so I think I'm more than qualified to comment on their peculiarities.  You'll need this insight going forward which you should record in the notebooks provided.  Now, the dentist that I dated went to Temple, not Penn, so adjust accordingly.

Enough set up.  Onto the show...

"Hi, I'm Chris Harrison."

I really feel like I should know who this guy is.

In case you forgot, Ashley is exceptionally sassy and vibrant.  She's a dentist that doesn't have a care in the world, with the possible exception of that $160,000 student loan bill awaiting her upon graduation.  And she's all about Philly. Just look at her run up the Philadelphia Museum of Art steps and pose like Rocky. I guess the hackneyed stuff is starting early, though this seems even more schlocky than usual.

I didn't remember Ashley being a big dancer.  Am I alone?  They're making it seem as though she has three true passions in life:  dentistry, dancing, and feeling inadequate.  Dancers don't have a strong history on this franchise.  Remember Tenley?  She performed a very special dance exhibition for Jake which led to her nearly immediate dismissal.  At least Ashley is holding the cards as the Bachelorette, but I'm worried about her with this.  Mental bookmark for later.

Since there's really no coherent storyline to talk about with 25 dudes being released into the wild en masse, it's probably better to just go for some snap reactions and see what develops.  Oh look, here comes the limo now...

I don't know the answer to this, but I assume the house is the same every season.  Maybe when the series finally meets its overdue demise, ABC can parlay this into Extreme Makeover:  Bachelor House Flip Edition.  This isn't the first Extreme Makeover joke I've tossed out there, and it won't be the last.  Is that the one with the ADHD host Ty Pennington?  I'm too lazy to look it up.  I'd love to see that dude go off his meds and just shred that place with a wrecking ball.

It seems that lots of these guys looking for some journeys to go on.  Boy, are you fellas are in luck.

A daughter named... Cozy?*  Welcome to the show, Bentley.  I want to meet the ex-wife that was cool with this.  This reminds me... I read an excellent piece on ESPN.com today (definitely worth the read) about that rabid 'Bama fan Harvey Updyke, Jr. who stands accused of poisoning some hallowed trees on the campus of Auburn.  There I learned that Mr. Updyke named his cherished offspring "Bear Bryant" and "Crimson Tyde."  This is pretty close to that.

We also learn that Bentley is a single dad, living in Salt Lake City, and that one of Ashley's old show pals (yet unnamed) narced him out for being a dog who is, get this, "there for all the wrong reasons."  I'm doing the math and getting Michelle as the answer.  I wonder if Ms. Money slept with him too.  First Carlos Boozer, now this.  Is nothing sacred anymore?

Ooo.. a butcher.  How.. forcibly provincial.  Anthony seems to be conjuring up the role of Danny Zuko in Grease; he's only missing the "T-Birds" leather jacket.  The whole vibe is all wrong here.  Sometimes people appear on this show and just lose their minds and start auditioning for something.  I guess he'll have to cut meat on another show.

It looks like the producers found a way to sustain Emily's sense of loss and tragedy in this guy West (which, incidentally, "is just north of south").  It's a horrible, tragic story to be sure, but I'm reading there are some murky circumstances surrounding that whole situation.  Yeah, this seems like a really bad idea.  Like, VH1's Megan Wants a Millionaire bad.

Professional reality show contestant Megan Hauserman (5 November 1981 – ):  You're welcome

There's already too much tragedy with these guys.  Yuck.  I'm craving some faux drama.  That commercial with Sofia Vergara helped some.

As Chris contractually inserts himself into the show, he discovers, mostly despite himself, that our Ash already has a massive complex about not being the girl the guys expect or want.  I think that's a large scab that can be picked at.  We learn later that it's exactly what the producers have in mind.  I'm equal parts horrified and pleased by this.  Well done, you cagey bastards.  More, please.

"No regrets, Chris."  Oh, we'll see about that.

If Vegas set some prop bets for the premiere episode, one of them surely would have been "number of times Ashley is picked up off the ground."  I'm a little surprised by it only being two, but I think some of these guys are pacing themselves.  Pretty clever way to determine her weight while maintaining a sense of ease and playfulness.  Not a bad maneuver, gents, but don't get all grabby with the butt.  Overall, I think the cumulative total could easily exceed 50 with about 15 appearing in the edited show.  Someone keep track.

The next batch of dudes seems to be a little more promising.  Well, sort of.

This guy William is surely the new Kasey, with some Weatherman dweebiness thrown in.  There will be some guarding and protecting of that heart, I can tell already.  "He's pretty damn amazing," Ashley confidently concludes.  Peel back the layers, sweetie.

Thank god this season has some bona fide freaks.  I'm quite pleased about this.  Hell, I'm barely breaking a sweat here.

Tim, the liquor distributor from Nassau County Noo Yawk, does NOT like Jeff's mask, but he does like him some drrrrink.  Reminds me of that scene in Se7en when Pitt demanded to know what was in the box.  There's a human head in there, Tim.

The mask is a semi-interesting twist, and probably not Jeff's idea, but c'mon man, you have got to have a personality to pull it off.  Looks like it isn't a one day only deal either.  I hope they're compensating this poor bastard.  Say, did you know that Phantom of the Opera opened on Broadway on January 26, 1988 and is still running on Broadway to this day with over 9700 shows?  Man, I sure hope that mask comes off.

Ben F. was good.  "Here, have some wine that I made."  Most of these guys are trying to simply avoid tripping over themselves or farting in public, and this dude shows up with his own wine.  I don't want to get too prediction heavy here, but his whole approach seems to have finale written all over it.

The Canadian is predictably odd.  Way to break the mold.  When I signed on to do this, I wanted a challenge.  This is not one.

Did that guy say he wanted a pic with Chris Harrison?  I don't even remember who said it, I just remember being confused, much like the time I saw a female dog humping a fuzzy chew toy.

Something's not right here:  A Chris Harrison photobomb

I like this Constantine guy's shtick with the pink dental floss.  I'm giving that a 9.28 out of 10.  I can see about four or five of these guys having some original thoughts.  I do have to say that this whole first day thing really puts a premium on being creative and making some kind of an impression.  For example, the INXS/Bob Dylan tribute deal with the cards written by some female producer was pretty kitschy.  I'll give him props even if that was 10% his idea

You know, Brad got 30 women to choose from.  It looks like that glass ceiling is still in place.  I'll bet Madison could have negotiated for 50 guys.  I still think that was an opportunity lost, and no I won't shut up about her.

The best way to get on Ashley's good side was made clear right away:  tell her you're so happy she's the Bachelorette, and not that Barbie clone Emily.  Apparently Bentley didn't get the message there.  Might as well say it now:  that guy is a total plant.  He seems to be the only real source of drama and apparently drives Ashley to protracted self-doubting sob sessions.  I keep thinking Michelle is the puppet master here.  I want to believe that, anyway.  How cool would that be?

Lending some credibility to this plant theory, Harrison wouldn't shut the hell up about Bentley.  He was all "have you met Bentley yet?" and "I think Bentley is in that limo" and "how are you going to react when Bentley steps out?"  Looks like someone's got a crush.  The way that they are hyping him up, they might as well change the name of the show to Ashley vs. that Giant Asshole Bentley.  Based on the previews it seems like they're going to ride that train as long as possible.

Speaking of which, Ryan P. sure is... flamboyant.  That's my first impression.

I suppose the format of the show is pretty much low hanging fruit on the list of things to nitpick, but seeing it again just drives me crazy.  When, oh when, will they dispense with the "this is the final rose" garbage.  I want to literally beat the person that conceived of this.  If the producers came to me and said, "hey, guy.. we'll let you change one thing about the show," that's what I'm choosing.

I could start handicapping this horse race, with odds and everything, but I'm not going there yet.  The field is way too big, and we don't have sufficient data.  I will say that I think J.P. is finale material.  Ashley wubs him muchly.  He seems non-threatening enough.  If I had to hazard a guess about "type," she seems to like guys that have a little life to them and seem to be outwardly "nice" (which is why I'm not buying her insistence that she loved Brad to pieces).  We'll see how that goes.  She might just want a gay boyfriend to gossip with, in which case Ryan stands a decent shot. 

Apparently a guy wearing a black mask is what passes for diversity on this show.  This crew is whiter than the 1948 Kentucky Wildcats championship hoops team.  Producer Mike Fleiss' position on this matter (per an interview with Entertainment Weekly) is worth putting out there again as it's worthy of intense ridicule:

EW: "Will we ever see a Bachelor or a Bachelorette who is not white?" 

Fleiss: "I think Ashley is 1/16th Cherokee Indian, but I cannot confirm. But that is my suspicion! We really tried, but sometimes we feel guilty of tokenism. Oh, we have to wedge African-American chicks in there! We always want to cast for ethnic diversity, it’s just that for whatever reason, they don’t come forward. I wish they would."

Yes, it must be a lack of supply, Mike.  Keep looking.

There's no way Miss Hebert is getting married after this is all over with.  I'll commit to that here and now, Ali and Trista be dammed.  Those two had their stuff together.  Ashley is too much of a scatterbrained goof.  And of course the dentist thing pretty much ensures failure.  I'd have higher hopes for Shawntel the mortician coming out of this process with a hubby than Ashley.

Looking forward to a show with some more pulp than this, and fewer damn names.  Au revoir, first round of cuts.  We hardly knew ye.



* After doing some digging, it turns out that Bentley's daughter's actual name is "Cozette" which shortens to "Cozy."  I'm guessing this is an homage to Cosette from Les Misérables, but who knows.  At least she's not an adjective.