I was surprised to learn about this Juan Pablo epidemic that CH is convinced everyone is afflicted with. Even guys, apparently. It's viral, so don't bother with antibiotics. I know we're in a liberated age, but I audibly winced listening to our android host lavishing praise over how hot our primero latino Bachelor is. He's so hot, in fact, that even completely straight men across the nation were demanding the Venezuelan footballer be the next Bachelor. You could hear the boisterous clammors in the streets. Thank god ABC caved to our last desperate wish. Now if we could just erase producer Elan Gale's desperate attempt to be relevant, everyone would win.
I did wonder how the accent would play, and aside from intense 6 day/week personal training, it's clear the next order of business was to enroll the Miami resident into de-latinification training. Well, to a point. Having been around many a Spanish speaker, I think his Inglés está muy bien. Well, it damn well should be. The guy was born in Ithaca, NY (go Big Red) and spends all of his time in the US. Maybe all of those chats with Marlins garbageballer Henderson Alvarez screwed him up. I mean, what kind of pitcher averages a 93 mph fastball yet only strikes out 5.0 per nine innings? (source: Fangraphs) Perplexing.
Like I've said may times before, it doesn't matter who the hell the lead is so long as there's lots of hotness and complete insanity, and I assume we'll have plenty of both. Only a complete lifeforce energy suck like Ben Flajnik could ruin a Bachelor season. At least he had Bachelor Hall of Fame inductee Courtney Robertson to bail him out. I wonder how those two crazy kids turned out? I'm sure they're blissfully married and have a large happy family by now. She even wrote a book about it.
Juan has a little kid of his own, a sweet daughter named Camila, who most likely will play a role somehow, but I assume we'll see a bit more discretion than using her like Emily did little Ricki. I'll bet one-F Jef wants a do-over there.
Of course you're probably wondering what J-P left behind en route to single dad-dom. Fortunately there are some internets for these things, but I did some sleuthing for you.
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| Carla Rodriguez |
Yeah, she's cute, I guess. Anyway, good luck replacing that, ladies.
Speaking of which, let's see what we have in the mystery estrogen grab bag this season.
My non-cut-night-one favorites (mostly to look at, perhaps to talk to):
- Lawyer Andi
- TV anchor Amy L.
- Chelsie (only because she mentioned chemistry, brought 50 mL centrifuge tubes, and seems to be the best kind of psychotic)
- Lucy (I'd be a free spirit too if I was best friends with Kate Upton)
- Victoria (you auto-keep the Brazilian)
That's a pretty formidable top five right there. I have no idea what their prospects are, nor do I really care at this point. The thing is, it's not hard to whittle the list down from 27, so spare us the dilemma, Juan.
I certainly didn't understand the fascination with "Sharleen" the Canadian/German? opera singer who seems to have been cast on the show at gunpoint. No idea what was going on there, but Juan felt like he absolutely made this woman's night. Either that whole thing was a set up or Juan is really that confused. I can only hope she sticks around because we haven't see outward disdain like that since Ali left a freshly tattooed Kasey on that glacier and flew off with "Rated-R" in a chopper. There's a lot of trainwreck potential with this (actual) diva.
At some point Lucy probably comes clean and tells Juan that she's a runway model, but even if she bathes in patchouli oil you can't hide that body even in a burlap sack. Probably a three episode stay, but I'll pray for more and invite you to do the same.
Not much lost on the night one cast-offs. I could barely understand Maggie (from SC) who probably feels like the Confederacy is just taking a breather. I did like Lacy, who was the nursing home owner. Her favorite snack was listed as "Hot Cheetos," so maybe not such a big loss there.
That mostly covers it. Now let's get to the bungee jumps, helicopter tours, skinny dips, emergency room visits, anxiety attacks, drunken arguments, and all of the amazing journeying.
Mis amigos, this is the final sentence tonight.
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