Well friends, we're only a couple of weeks away from Bachelor Pad 2, and that's the good news. The bad news is that we still have to slog through the muck and mire of Bachelorette Ashley on her inevitable journey toward short-term engagement. I can only hope that you've been drinking heavily on Monday nights to make this more tolerable. I know that I'll be sending in a letter to ABC requesting a formal apology, especially on behalf of the men that have been subjected to this televised horror show. They don't know that many of us have no choice but to watch this, and it's bad enough having to sit through fifteen commercials for mascara without being otherwise entertained. The least they could do is have someone that the average guy would want to date as the lead, but they've somehow even failed at that. I don't expect I'll get a response from anyone, but if I do, believe me, I'll post it here.
This week we witnessed Ashley's visits with four very different families. One thing that that immediately sticks out is how unnecessary four family "hometown dates" are. Is she really developing feelings for four different guys? Conversely, do they like her? When do you introduce a significant other to your family? When you're in love and have been dating for a while. She barely knows these guys. Along with my request for an apology, I'm submitting a list of proposed format changes. I know they won't listen because they're too terrified of losing even more of their slipping market share, but I really think these changes would help. One is that we don't need four hometown dates. Ashley's lucky if she likes one guy out of these 25. To think she'd need four family experiences is just stupid. No, it's insulting. Let's have more potential for mayhem and less prim and proper meals with the fine china. Sadly, we get our fill of the latter.
Constantine is a man rife with contradictions. He bears a resemblance to Ben, yet they're not related. He's Greek, yet he works in an Italian restaurant. So much to learn here. I see the stereotypes are being reinforced full throttle as their first stop is the restaurant. I'm reminded of Seinfeld's buddy Babu Bhatt who was advised to return to his roots and serve Pakistani food only to fail miserably. Perhaps that explains why the Tzortzises are slinging deep dish instead of falafel in Atlanta? It looks like just another run-of-the-mill Italian place in some strip mall somewhere. The pizza oven has a conveyor belt? Just like they do it in Naples.
Ashley notes a positive change in Constantine. He's not as much of a boring stiff when he's at home. He also seems slightly less afraid of females here which we can only hope can save him for another week because going to Fiji would be pretty cool. I'm still struggling to see a physical connection between these two no matter how many waitresses they stack up at the window staring at them. We're at week 8 of this thing and Ashley has to ask for a kiss, then follows it up by telling everyone that there's "definite chemistry" between the two of them which is the absolute surest sign that there isn't any. I don't think we've had a more passion-free Bachelor(ette) series in history. It's cringe-worthy every week. I haven't seen this many sexless moments on a dating show since Love Connection.
Constantine's parents seem normal enough, but they also appear to worship their son in some strange way. What has he done to deserve that exactly? Male heir? That welcome home banner was at least a $150 project from Fastsigns. Seems a little over the top. I particularly enjoyed his mom's southern drawl which was unexpected. Of course they're eating like pigs here too. You know, I went to school with a Greek kid and he was skinny as a rail. In hindsight, I have no idea how that was possible given his eating habits.
I think the best thing about this hometown visit was Constantine's sister, Maria, who is particularly attractive. This becomes something of a theme during this episode too. Ashley seems to be superseded shockingly often in just two hours by random women appearing on screen. Ben's sister pulls a similar stunt a bit later on. Didn't they get the memo to ugly it up?
Another show suggestion I'll be submitting will have to do with the standard "so you think you're good enough for my son" interrogations. Here's a perfect example of how The Bachelorette can't just be a simple transposition of The Bachelor. It's like they think the leads are actually reversing gender roles in every conceivable way, and it's weird. It's fine for a guy to get the third degree from dear old dad, but grilling a girl in a similar way just seems strange and wrong. If anything, she's the one that should be grilling his family. "Level with me, pops. What am I getting into here?"
As if there was any doubt that the entire Greek population of Atlanta would show up for this event, your worries were quickly assuaged with an influx of overwrought Greeks not seen since the Peloponnesian War. And instead of bringing implements of destruction, they brought more food, drink, and an smothering supply of free hugs. To me, this would be equivalent to a lower rung of hell to have this kind family onslaught, but Ashley seemed to revel in it, and that makes her plain weird. However, it's completely consistent if you think back to Brad's hometown experience in Maine where Ashley's family pulled something similar. Their lack of sheer numbers were made up for in decibels. Ashley seemed to enjoy every second of this visit, and I don't doubt it. Still, you have to wonder why Constantine is such a complete bore given that his family is demonstrably crazy, at least in an entertaining way.
As much fun as it was dancing in circles and stomping on ankle-biting dogs, reality set in and Ashley had to be moving on to her next hometown date. She obviously enjoyed herself immensely, but it really only masks the fact that there's still no pulse in this relationship. Fortunately for Constantine, there's not even an EEG blip registering with some of the other guys, so he'll at least get that much sought after free trip to the South Pacific. That has to be a huge win for him. I have to think it was the pink dental floss that did it that very first night because he's done absolutely nothing since then to deserve a top three finish. I wish that was hyperbole, folks, but it's a sad fact of the now infamous Season 7.
I don't know about you, but I was actually looking forward to this Ames hometown visit. I felt like I needed to know what makes this guy tick after seeing him flounder around for weeks. While I think I have a much better understanding, it provided about as much entertainment as reading a legal brief. Ames' mother (I'll call her mother -- she seems like the type that would insist upon it) and sister are essentially the same person separated by about 25 years: educated, well-spoken, overly protective, and insanely judgmental. You can tell that they treat Ames like something of an infant, and he does little to protest it. It's difficult to tell if his personality is a product of how they treat him or if they merely respond to his social immaturity, but regardless, this family is swimming in estrogen. Ames' sister also has the distinct misfortune of looking a lot like Ames. A quick comparison tells us that this wide-eyed deal sure didn't come from mom.
Sadly, we learn that Ames lost his father and his step father, both of whom were portrayed to be fine gentlemen in their own right. I think this probably explains, to some degree, Ames' personality and some of his quirks within relationships. I so desperately wanted to understand the permagrin, and I think it's clear now that Ames doesn't want to exude any vulnerability whatsoever. His overachieving personality seems to be some convolution of a compensatory reaction to heartache and exceptional DNA, but we'll have no way of understanding his red pants or his tendency to gracefully prance in lieu of running. If there was ever a case study for finding the elusive nerd gene, Ames is it.
During the sit down discussion with Ashley, Ames' sister calls out the obvious: she isn't the least bit into Ames. Like, at all. You know it's bad when the words "I want to get to know him" are uttered 8 weeks in. Honey, it's the final four. Let's all admit that Ames is a nice guy and just move on with our lives. You can't pity someone into the finals. Nonetheless, Ashley insists that she wants to "see the full Ames" which had a record scratch quality to it. Even in it's most carnal realization, I really don't think that would help either. In fact, with apologies to Farmer Ted, I'm not sure he's ever bagged a babe.
Unlike the hometown visit with Constantine, Ames' family was intent on starving everyone to death. Fortunately, Ames had a private little picnic scheduled, but this plan foolishly ignores the grave history of picnic-going contestants on this show. Many go never to return. I think Kasey may still be sitting on that glacier to this day.
On their little romantic excursion, Ames does what any savvy guy would do on a date and sells the boring. In fact, he assures her that there's a long-standing historical precedent for being a bore, and that this is just the start of a long, mostly banal and mundane existence that the two of them can look forward to... probably a good fifty or sixty years worth. Well, he's kind of right. Sprezzatura refers more generally to performing difficult feats with apparent ease. It's also not necessarily an endearing quality and sometimes connotes a defensiveness, which I think applies perfectly to Ames. You'd think a polymath like Ames would have this romance thing a little better in hand. I guess they didn't offer that course at Yale. Hell, even John Nash had better lines, and his approach was rooted in arcane non-cooperative game theory.
I've seen a lot of derogatory comments about Ames, but I'll don the kid gloves and say that he's obviously gone through a lot in his life losing his dad and step-father, and has a couple of overbearing women to contend with in his family. In the previous entry to this blog, I suggested that Ames was likely the leading candidate for the next Bachelor (at least on my scorecard, barring any unforeseen contenders). He's probably the sentimental favorite, but his inability to foster any kind of romantic interaction with women is probably going to exclude him. God help us if Ryan gets the gig. I get a pretty strong Marcus Bachmann vibe from that guy.
There are a couple of guys who seem to have had sex in their past, so let's get to those hometown visits. The way that Ashley runs toward Ben demonstrates that she looks at him in a much different way than either Constantine or Ames. In the past, this trite display had little to no meaning as they all ran like idiots toward each other, but given the cast of eunuchs on this show, we can actually learn something here.
What continually amuses me about Ashey's portrayal of Ben is how "super hot" he is. Now, granted, I'm a heterosexual male, so perhaps my ability to rate dudes is a bit off, but if "hotness" is what Ashley was gunning for during this amazing journey, then I think she failed miserably. J.P. seems to be the consensus "hot" guy remaining, and I think he's only earning that title by virtue of his dimples. I think. Anyway, word from Ashley is that Ben is scorching hot and a "real guy" which was evidenced earlier in show by his prowess with a scooter. I see the producers have a sense of humor.
Not that my upbringing was horrible or regrettable, but I kind of wish I grew up in Sonoma. What a cool place. I think your odds of making wine as a resident of Sonoma are probably 204,384 times higher than the average person growing up elsewhere in the U.S. Sounds like a pretty cool job, if you ask me, but for some reason Ben seems to make it look about as dry and lifeless a profession as possible. I think I had more regard for the dynamic field of mortuary science after seeing Shawntel's hometown visit than I did for winemaking with the ultra-boring Ben. Actually, Shawntel's visit was somehow even less morbid than this fiasco. I get that Ben also lost his father, but I didn't expect it to dominate the mood the entire time. Way too many tears here.
You know, this season has just been a trail of bodies. You have all of these guys without dads, not to mention West who found his wife dead in a tub amid strange circumstances. It's super creepy. Can we not cast people who are obviously bereaved or potential suspects?
Early on, I was a fan of Ben's. Seemed down to earth, had a cool gig, didn't say anything stupid. It's amazing how much this guy's stock has sunk over time, at least in my eyes. Aside from the family tragedy, over which he has no control, we start to realize that he's yet another guy that has a confusing past of dating relatively few women. What's going on here? The explanation given is that Ben had a string of superficial relationships where he wasn't emotionally invested, but all I can see is a guy that would shed tears at the mere sight of spilled cabernet. He was built to be an emotional mess. It's his calling. We must be missing something.
Another problem I have is that Ben is the linguistic gemini of a certain perpetually scruffy bar owner from Austin. He doesn't seem as outwardly dopey, but the way that he talks almost requires me to switch my brain to 1200 baud. It's just painful to listen to. Not that Ashley is penning any prose herself, but I don't find myself mentally hibernating when she speaks.
Ben's sister Julia is also cuter than Ashley, even with the patented Stepford Wife chaste look she's working. In fact, she's a lot cuter than Ashley. I noticed the camera framing her up on her in a few shots. This family is pretty uptight as a whole. Mom is certainly no picnic. She seems about as wild as Condoleezza Rice at a treaty signing. Ashley is used to injecting humor into these situations to cut some of the tension, but not here. No ma'am. It feels like you're at a funeral home run by a Barbra Streisand look alike. I'm pretty sure I heard a brief giggle from Ben's mom toward the end, but I'll have to run it in slow-mo to be certain.
Despite all of this, Ben is still the second best option out of these four, and that certainly speaks to the weakness of this field. Apparently he's getting by on his looks (which seems preposterous on its face) because he's done just about everything to sabotage his standing during the show. Oddly, Ashley summarized her Sonoma visit as "over the top" Over what top?
J.P. gets the anchor leg and juggles the baton a bit himself. He's either shown some vulnerabilities lately or they're going out of their way to highlight them in the final edit. No matter what they do, it can't possibly look any worse than the three trips Ashley's been on to this point. Despite his marginal protests that he's "not ready" to confess his love for her, J.P. is showing every indication that he's all the way there (for whatever reason I've yet to discern). He's the only person, other than that freak Ryan, that has shown any emotional investment in Ashley whatsoever. It also happens that she has reciprocated his affections, so there you go. This isn't rocket science, and we sure as hell didn't need any spoilers this year, but thanks anyway, Steve.
Roller skating actually isn't a bad date (at Hot Skates!). I went myself a number of years ago. What is shocking to me is that these places still exist. I was certain they were all demolished years ago, but everything old and lame become ironic and cool again.. eventually. Much as I remember it, the rink they go to has no one in it. Sure, they rented this place out for the show, but I'm willing to bet that's pretty much how it looks most days... with REO Speedwagon as the current house band.
Do any of these guys have an extensive dating history? Forget extensive.. how about normal? J.P. is 34, and yet we learn that he's only had a few people over to meet the family. After a while you start to realize that they must have cast things this way. What else would explain it? Delving a bit deeper into it, we keep hearing over and over about this painful past relationship that J.P. had. Everyone mentions it and points it out. What the hell happened that would merit that kind of build up? Was he abducted? I don't understand how bad it could have been to the extent that it was brought up a dozen times. And since when does a grown man get coddled like this by his family regarding his relationships? Oh right, Ames.
Wait, didn't Ashley's last ex die or something? Right before the last show started filming? I don't remember anyone going on and on about that. In fact, I don't recall hearing a single acknowledgement of this on either show. Now that's weird, boys and girls.
Well, none of this really matters in the end. J.P.'s going to win this sucker, and there's nothing he can even do about it at this point. They can throw in red herrings all they want in previews, but it's an ultra-mega lock. Bet the mortgage, and the mortgage on that mortgage.
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| Dear J.P., You look great with a mullet. Good luck. Your friend, Ames. |
All of the guys need to fly back to L.A. so that Ames can be awkwardly dismissed and Constantine can wear a plaid tie. Where does one even find a plaid tie? Sadly, this didn't have the payoff I was expecting. Although I am a fan of Ames as a person, I was hoping for an induced infinite loop causing some kind of catastrophic meltdown. I figured this guy must have some incredible pent up inadequacy issues that would manifest given a proper stimulus, but even Ashley showing him the door wasn't enough. Gracious in defeat, that permagrin was still on full display all the way into the limo. There were a few "does not compute" moments from Amesbot, but overall he got through the night without rebooting. I also thought we'd see Ashley break down a bit feeling terrible for the guy, but it seemed pretty clinical overall. I don't think she really gave a crap. This was a moment worthy of week 3 at best. Regardless, Ames has definitely set the bar for how to pity your way into the final four.
How true that is.
"And now I'm back to sharing a lifetime of adventures with... myself. Which is... less enticing."
How true that is.
Looking ahead to next week, we see Ashley's bitchy, tatted, attention-starved (and budding extreme couponista) sister mixes things up a bit. No doubt she hates this show as much as we do. I say bring everything you got and then some, girlfriend. We need it. Somehow she got even trashier since last season. Maybe they should offer the guys a choice: you can either pick Ashley, or you can have her inked-up, pissed off sibling who likely self-mutilates and drinks turpentine. Oh, I like where that could go.
If you're still not sold, remember that Jake and Vienna will be renewing their hate-hate relationship on Pad 2! (That's what I'm calling it now.) Enough with amateur hour. It's time for the professionals to take over.
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