This wasn't the most memorable penultimate episode in Bachelorette history, so please forgive the tardiness of this week's entry. I've now watched this little bugger twice, and I'm sad to report that not much happened. Usually we can expect a few nuggets of goodness in there. I guess I just wasn't feeling it and would now like to leave. I respect all of your families too much.
I just want to start by saying, if this is ABC's way of promoting Ryan as the next Bachelor, I'm out. Forget it. No chance I can support this fool. He needs ritalin, or maybe a chew toy. The producers really seem to have invested a crapload of time and energy in this clown. Right from the beginning we had a hometown interview with him and all sorts of details about his little solar energy startup that he allegedly micromanages. I should have known as soon as they pulled this little stunt that he'd be a nauseating blight on an already beleaguered season, and of course he's done nothing to dissuade that notion. Worse, the guy came back. Sometimes I ask God tough questions at night when I'm alone and staring off into the infinite darkness: Why do innocent kids get cancer? Why did the Holocaust have to happen? Why is Ryan back on The Bachelorette?
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| Previously on Lost... |
Sure I'm a cynic of reality TV and how it's produced, but sometimes I wonder just how deep the rabbit hole goes with these shows. Did Ryan really "call up Chris Harrison" and ask to come back? Can anyone do that? "Hey Chris. Bro, it's Drunk Tim. I really regret how I left and would love to see Ashley in Fiji. Can you hook it up?" They've gone to this well a few times in their history and it seems to be less realistic every time we see it. Ashley couldn't really stand Ryan. He was obnoxious. He found prayers at a temple to be "romantic." He probably dips his fries in mayo. Nothing about this guy screams "great catch" to me. Nothing even screams "cool guy to have a beer with." Mickey was about ready to punch him in the throat. I realize that a lot of women watch the show, but the guys show up for The Bachelor to ogle the talent, and I can tell you that Ryan will ruin those numbers like Wladimir Klitschko ruined Hayden Panettiere. Sadly, here are some pro-Ryan comments from The Bachelorette Facebook page. Ahem:
Mary: "Live Ryan! I feel he is so sweet and genuine! Hope he's the next Bachelor!" (1 person likes this)
No no no. First, it's "love," I think. You love Ryan. Second, he's 31 year old man-child with limited ability to function in a male-female unit. Shame on you, Mary. And no one should "like" this. Terrible. Boo.
Joie: "Ashley is an idiot but who cares, Ryan deserves someone better looking and smarter." (1 person likes this)
Listen, Joie... she's actually not an idiot. She's nearly a 4.0 dental student at Penn. Is she annoying and maybe a 6 with the right lighting and camera angle? Sure. The point is, Ryan isn't right for anyone. Did you see all of the dramatics? That wasn't a man. That was someone pining for their lost childhood. And stop liking crappy commentary, random "likes this" person. Oh, I suppose you think Status Shuffle is creative too? Moron.
Heather: "Ryan is awesome! I hope he's the next bachelor."
I'll say this, Heather.. you're very attractive, but you should know better. Women like you eat guys like Ryan with a side of Ames. These men stand no chance in your world. Let's put them in the zoo of human curiosities and move on instead of perpetuating this notion that these good guy pushovers are some kind of idealized man. You wouldn't let Ryan tie your shoes. Give me a break.
Belinda: "Ryan is good looking, smart, funny and successful. I don't understand why all the negitive comments. I wish him the best of luck finding his true love, and let me add she will have a wonderful life with him." (3 people like this)
Let me tell you why all the "negitive" comments, Bel. Ryan is like an overwrought Jack Russell terrier. He runs around all day with his boundless energy trying to impress you, and then he pees on your $5000 Persian rug and wonders why you're mad. His facial expressions aren't proportional to the emotion of the moment. He runs too hot and too cold. And who will have a "wonderful life" with him? Random woman X? Let me ask you something: are you sure it's a woman?
Like it or not, they brought him back, and who wouldn't take a free trip to Fiji just to be humiliated on TV? Sure, I'd go for that. Looks like all he had to do was sit around and record a video diary.
So "Ry" shows up at Ashley's suite, you know, the one with the door big enough to drive a Honda Civic through. She's looked genuinely surprised to see him there, and maybe feels a little flattered by it since this has been the bachelorette with the lowest self-esteem in franchise history. Of course Constantine will remind her what it's like to be rejected by an ugly person, but at least she can claim victory that some tool wanted to see her again. He hands he what appears to be a handwritten note on the back of a credit card receipt from the hotel bar. It reads, "Hello Ashley. Welcome to Fiji, home of former Master's champion Vijay Singh and a 2006 military coup! Should you choose to forgo your romantic relationships with guys that you like better than me, please use this PIN to access the electronic lock and stay with me a bit down the road and veering off to the right, you know, the Days Inn next to the Jamba Juice." If you missed this part, I found a clip of it here. Probably good to refresh your memory.
Obviously she wasn't feeling it, but they already spent a princely sum flying him in, so of course they make him wait six days before she shoots him down. As you saw above from the dimwit women of Facebook, Ryan has his fans, but I hope to baby Jesus that this doesn't mean they're lining him up to be in The Bachelor Season 16: Here Comes the Sun King. Do not want.
Boring Ben gets first crack at Ashley, and since she's such a big fan of the water, she personally planned an sea-faring excursion on an 80 foot T-Pain approved "I'm On A Boat" boat.
I got my swim trunks...
And my flippy floppies...
"That's a really nice boat," utters Captain Deadpan. He's full of these one-liners today. Must be feeling good. Ben also made a well-timed quip about her cooking dinner as it was being served to them in luxurious fashion. Can't you just see these two having the time of their life in the vineyards of Sonoma? It would be fun to see them be perpetually judged by Ben's overly sheltering mother. Of course Ashley somehow had the time of her life with all four families. I personally found the visit to Sonoma.. a little stiff. Well, it's a good thing none of that rubbed off on Ben or else we're in for some really awkward moments later on.
Oh, here's one:
Ashley: "My back. I can reach everywhere else unless you want to do everything."
Ben: "No, I don't need to do everything. Unless you want me to do everything."
Ashley: "Yeah, I do."
Ben: "Oh my lord."
Episode 9 of this thing and Ben is afraid to touch Ashley, yet Bentley was pretty much hitting it in the first week. She has to be thinking the same thing, the little tart. Maybe it's just the process that's messing with these guys. Yeah, the process.
Heading to dinner, Ben pulls his now patented (and most regrettable) line: "Oh, whaaaaat?" That's twice now. You sound like that Milkaholic Lindsay.
Ben's been psyching himself up all day to divulge his true feelings for Ashley.
"I think I'm going to tell Ashley I love her tonight."
Later...
"I'm don't think I'm going to tell Ashley I love her tonight."
That's verbatim, too.
I actually like Ashley a little without makeup. They usually have her looking like a clown, so this is actually sort of refreshing. I think I finally pinpointed why she looks a little off to me. That is one helluva chin there.
You can tell that Ashley is already thinking about how her future fiancee J.P. is going to view this video later. She's being very careful with her words. Ben asks if she could see her herself in wine country with him, and she gives him a response that seems to have been penned and vetted by a team of corporate lawyers:
"Well, I mean after a day like today, it's like, every time I'm with you I just leave thinking it's like oh my goodness I could see myself with this guy, like I really can, like I can see myself with this guy forever. Um. And especially after a day like today..."
No guarantees implied or explicit there. Sorry, Ben. A lot of this has a "going through the motions" feel to it. Ben must have some ridiculous issues because he's treating Ashley like she's a package of plutonium wrapped in TNT. He claims he wasn't "available" when he first showed up on the show, whatever that means. Well, it's not going to matter anyway. Be available for the "I love you thing" all you want.
Ashley seemed intent on hitting that Fantasy Suite hard as she basically ran there after dinner and was nearly despondent when the Zeus decided to shove off to Mt. Olympus. "Yours truly, Chris Harrison" has a nice vibe to it, no? There's nothing you want more from an invitation to sex than a kindly written valediction from Mr. Harrison. Something like "I'll be watching. Love, C.H." would be only slightly more creepy.
Following a night of plausibly deniable sex with Ben, Ashley took a break from romance by booking a friendly hang out with buddy Constantine. Under that euro-mullet he's sporting, the man just oozes indifference. Rawr! Well, until he sees the chopper. She really made his day with that helicopter trip, but this required that they sit next to each other for about 45 minutes as they took in the amazing sights: spouting blowholes, coral reefs, and forlorn energy executives.
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| Ashley and Constantine share an intimate high five as Ryan silently pines away from below. |
"I have a Greek God to the left of me.. and the crystal blue waters below. Do you think I could survive it if I jumped?"
Okay, I added that last part. This date was pretty much DOA, but they need to at least get to dinner since it's all pre-paid. When they weren't jumping into waterfalls wearing shoes, we learned a lot about what makes Dino tick:
Ashley: "How many houses did you look at?"
Constantine: "108. IT'S A BIG INVESTMENT. I WANTED A MAN CAVE."
Whoa, someone touched a nerve with all of this hot real estate talk. I hope, for his sake, that he got that man cave. You'll also never know if that 109th house would have been even better.
For some reason Ashley absolutely refused to give up on Constantine. She seemed hell bent on getting him back to that Fantasy Suite. It's just not a good sign when, after a wine toast at an intimate dinner, her date starts talking about another guy.
"Very fruity. Very very fruity. Ben taught me that."
The guy couldn't have been less interested, and yet here she is fighting like hell to keep him around. Look, Ash, Constantine knows what goes on in that Fantasy Suite, okay? That Chris Harrison card might as well be considered pornography. He respects his Greek mother with the southern drawl too much to be caught fornicating on national TV. That, or he isn't attracted to you. But Ashley really wants to try the baklava.
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| "Dear Ashley, You've been punk'd! Love, Ashton. P.S. Follow me on twitter @aplusk." |
So there's that matter of Ryan moping around, which couldn't be that terrible, but knowing Ryan, he probably made a six day vacation in Fiji a living hell by talking to himself. Before seeing J.P., Ash gives ol' Ry a visit in the least controversial send-off in Bachelorette history. Again, the only strategic reason for this was to gauge interest in him as a Bachelor candidate, but I think we know how stupid that would be unless they want to cater to the unwashed 18-25 year old female demographic that is convinced Ryan is prime husband material. On love, Ryan wonders:
"Oh jeez, am I ever gonna find it?"
What is Ashley supposed to do with that? This segment went from cheesy to syrupy in a hurry. I know he had some coaching, but ease up on the schmaltz. Thankfully, Ashley doesn't really waste time. She never really liked this guy, and there's basically zero drama here.
Ashley: "Bye!"
Ryan: ".................................................................................................................bye."
J.P., who won this competition around hour two of the first cocktail party many weeks ago, gets his with Ashley in the post-Ryan era. It still amazes me just how taken he is with her. It's not like he's a man who lacks options either. He's a single guy in NYC who is at least moderately successful and doesn't drool on himself. Why he's decided that the world revolves around this girl is a mystery that's up there with how the pyramids were built. We have slowly discovered, though, that J.P. is exceedingly impatient and jealous. Sure he's quick to flash a smile when it's all champagne and plane rides, but the moment that someone has to do the laundry, this guy looks like he might crack. Nonetheless, these two seem about as genuinely into each other as we've seen on this show. If they're acting, they're doing a great job.
I've noticed that Ashley likes to taunt J.P. a bit and keep him guessing. The conversation about sending two guys home was pretty great. He looked liked a five year old being explained algebra. As much as these guys claim they don't look at things as a competition, they do. Correction: J.P. really does. He looks like he wants to curb-stomp people that get in his way. But of course it's all dimples and grins the rest of the time.
Last week we were beat over the head with how hurt J.P. was in his previous relationship, but the act is getting a little tiresome. J.P. acts like he's the only guy that has ever been hurt before, and somehow this is supposed to win him endless sympathy and encouragement. Since he's already the house favorite to walk over Ben in the final, you have to start thinking about where these two end up. Will they overcome soul-crushing odds against their relationship surviving? What happens when they're not living out of suitcases in exotic locations and going on expensive dates? I like their chances a whole lot better than Brad and Em, but a whole lot less than Ali and Roberto. I guess we'll find out. I'll throw out early odds on a marriage at 3-1. Takers?
With Constantine out of the picture and Ryan thoroughly emasculated to all but the most steadfast of supporters, we're left with the ever boring Ben and the confusingly smitten J.P. If anyone was paying attention during the premiere, they could have predicted this finish. While I like being able to guess these things, I'm also a little sad that it was so easy to do. There just wasn't much to figure out, though. We've also never had a season where dudes where throwing themselves off the show as often.
Ashley: "I think this is the most important rose ceremony."
C.H. (incredulous) "Is it?"
Of course not. Total snoozer. This episode limps to the finish. Better would have been:
C.H. "Two roses, two guys. You still want me to do that thing where I say 'last rose tonight?'"
At least we get to see Ashley's sister, Kat Von D, being a "total bitch" next week. There's also a lot of crying which I think could be potentially rewarding. And it also sounds like Bentley will be back in some form during "The Men Tell All," but that remains to be seen. I still think they'd be crazy not to throw a case of money at him to be Bachelor #16. Ratings bonanza.
Don't forget that Pad 2 gets going August 8. Apparently Jake is going to throw Vienna from a plane flying at 3,000 feet. Should be a good one.
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