The One Where Ben Sleeps with Three Women

My god, we're almost to the finish line, and not a moment too soon.  As the ladies are dismissed, this show becomes increasingly focused on Ben and his chill-bordering-on-sedated personality.  When he does talk, it's usually crappy in the moment (ITM) clips where he pretends to be talking to someone just off camera.  That's where we get those tired lines about how "incredible" everyone is and how he can totally see spending every waking second with them for the rest of his life.  As much fun as it's been watching Courtney shake Ben to death by the jugular and dismember the corpse, I think we need to get to a conclusion here soon.


Next in the queue of "perfect places to fall in love" is Interlaken, Switzerland, which is a bit of a departure from the tropical locations to which we've become accustomed.  If there are two things the Swiss are known for it's spineless neutrality and fine chocolate.  If three things, you throw in no-questions-asked banking.  Four things, and you have to consider watchmaking.  Five, and Heidi makes an appearance.  Taking it to six, and I think Roger Federer creeps into the discussion.  Beyond that it's a bit murky.  Maybe Ricola?  Cheese with holes?

Interlaken is actually a not a terrible place to film because, well, no one lives there.  The population has never topped 6,000.  At first I thought ABC just rented the city out for a week since it had an eerie Truman Show vibe to it, but knowing the Swiss, that would have required payment in bearer bonds or "six nines" gold ingots.  Interlaken is the German speaking region of Switzerland with, of all things, Portugese as the second most commonly spoken language.  I'll let you try to figure that one out because I sure can't.

Why falling in love requires locations with incredible scenery isn't immediately clear to me, though it's become a staple of this franchise.  Every season they try to one-up the previous one with more and more exotic locations and even more daring helicopter adventures.  Surely the exotic dates have a huge role in these people transitioning from acquaintances to an engaged couple in a few short weeks, but I'm curious just how much influence it actually has.  Speaking of Portuguese, could you get, say, Brazilian uberbabe Adriana Lima to fall in love with some schlep on a show like this?

The breathlessly gorgeous Lima and schlep husband Marko Jarić

Maybe that was a bad example.

Still, I think the point is valid.  How much sway do the endless string of surreal dates have over the mindsets of these people?  Wouldn't it be more telling to see if people can fall in love under more mundane circumstances?  Believe me, if Beauty and the Geek were still on, that's where I'd be focusing my literary energy.


Down to three, we have Courtney, Lindzi, and sacrificial lamb "dark horse" Nicki who Ben doesn't really even like all that much.  As if some hippie wine snob from Sonoma is going to marry a brassy goofball divorcee from Ft. Worth.  Not to say that I'm not a fan, because I am.  I honestly didn't think I'd think she was finalist material at first, but given the fatal flaws some of these women have displayed (ahem, Emily), I think you could do worse.  The problem is that Nicki is the kind of girl that would be easily distracted by loud noises and shiny objects, and flummoxed by setting the clock on her oven.  But in the plus column, she has all the hallmarks of a fiercely loyal partner and of course cleans up nicely.  Regardless of any of her positives, she and Ben are about as compatible as VHS and Beta, so they'd might as well get this over with, but not before some pre-dismissal sexy time.  Sorry, that's how this show works.  Read the contract.  It's right there next to the "no brown M&M's" clause.


The only thing Ben needs to endure before they hit the sheets is some pseudo-serious discussion about their hypothetical future together, should the winner and runner-up be unable to fulfill their duties.  Nicki, of course, has already started to measure the drapes for their new imaginary pad in Sausalito while Ben insists that none of this is too much too soon.  Suspecting that Nicki envisions a gaggle of kids and hoping to artificially prolong the suspense, Ben responds that he and his sister both want four, which has most of us uncomfortably wondering why Julia isn't in the top three.  Nicki only wants two kids anyway, weirdo.


Turns out the Chris Harrison-approved "fantasy suite" is in an entirely different building from the one where they ate dinner, which seemed perfectly serviceable for fantasy-related activities.  You have to love the excess.  The chalet did have a hot tub, and far better camera angles than the log cabin.  Seeing Nicki just throw herself at Ben makes you wonder if she's just lacking the gene that codes for the need for reciprocated feelings.  I've never seen someone offer less of themselves and get the kind of benefits he's reaping.  It's just unbelievable.  He even tagged Jennifer Love Hewitt with minimal effort.  I know that's probably not the grand conquest it once was, but still I officially hate this guy.


Lindzi has been difficult to figure out.  At first I didn't really find her all that impressive.  The horse thing just seemed a little much for me.  Then I felt like she was a clear favorite after her one-on-one date at the speakeasy.  I've been going back and forth ever since.  She's attractive, obviously, but there's something a little off about her personality.  She's so unsure of herself and has these strange expressions all the time like she's expecting rejection at any moment.

Yes, Lindzi, you're through to the finals.

For weeks now, I've felt like I've seen this kind of thing before, and then it suddenly hit me:  Lindzi is channeling Laura Dern's equine-obsessed character "Diana" from the movie Mask. While Diana was shy and apprehensive because she was, well, blind, Lindzi is shy, apprehensive, and occasionally plain weird because she was once welcomed to Dumpsville, population one.

Lindzi and Ben sharing a tender moment in the Alpine foothills.

Following a very trite and totally played out "adventure date" down 100 meters of rope, Ben and Lindzi hit their own hot tub  where Lindzi suggested that the "ice queen" (her pet name for herself) was melting.  I'm certainly no expert on what it takes to win this game, but I would think that was a serious unforced error.  Even if you are an ice queen, or even just a little frosty at times, it's probably best not to call yourself that, or to suggest in any way that you're a bad lay.  I still can't get over a 27 year old woman who has had one serious relationship.  How is it possible to look like that and have one guy she's had any significant history with?  She also mentioned that putting up walls "works" for her.  Maybe "dry ice queen" is more accurate.  This sex card deal is going to be awkward for sure.

Whoa.  Or not.

Because the pungent stench of merlot, Lady Stetson, and coitus still permeates the prior fantasy suite, the producers hook these two up with a fresh version.  It's a good thing that Interlaken is the unofficial fantasy suite capital of Western Europe.  I read that in Fordor's.


I think we just assume that every stay in the fantasy suite results in sex, but we don't really know for sure.  When The Women Tell All, "All" doesn't seem to include this information.  We do know, for example, that Brad had his way with Chantal O'Brien (mostly her prodigious mammaries) because Emily said as much on national TV.  We also know that Emily remained solemnly chaste during her visit to the romper room, or so she claims.  (It'll be interesting if that's how she plays it during her run as The Bachelorette.  If so, booooo.)  I think the point is that you don't have to give it up to be successful.  In fact, it might save you a fair amount of self-loathing and ridicule in the long run.


Finally, the champ arrives to show everyone how things are done.  You can tell Ben is serious about Courtney because he'd never wear something like a fruity bow tie for his model girlfriend.  Oh hell no.  That's saved for the also-rans.  

I haven't entirely figured out the most current mix of game-playing versus actual emotion from Courtney, but I think she might be deluding herself into thinking that ABC will just fly the two of them around in perpetuity:

"This is what it'd be like.. our life.  Traveling together, and.. it's exciting."

Yep, that's how it's going to be when the show is over.  You can tell she's a student of history because all of the former couples have done nothing but jetset around the globe on ABC's dime.  I don't think Ben has any illusions of finding a wife out of this, but if he did, it might have been a good idea to pick someone that isn't used to this sort of thing, especially as part of their career.  It's going to take a whole lot of Envolve wine selling to keep this sort of thing going.  Courtney dated the lead guy from Entourage.  Ben starred as "Storm Horse" in a video called "Cream Dream."


Wengen must be German for "ghost town," because just about every scene looks like this:

Totally strange.  Did ABC tell everyone to beat it?  Is no one driving the train?  How are you going to get any dang cheese in this town?


Wisely, the staff  sets Ben up on his date with Courtney in a fully stocked wine cellar.  Courtney has had a glass of red perpetually affixed to her hand throughout the entire show, and in order to close this deal he's going to need reinforcements.


Usually when women start pouring their heart out about their insecurities, it's a bad thing.  Actually, a terrible thing.  It's almost always a one-way ticket home.  But not for Courtney.  Not only does she have admitted trust issues with men, but women too.  Basically, she trusts no one.  She's probably also skeptical of most pets and even some houseplants.  If you've never seen a guy talk himself into a girl, witness Ben carelessly dismissing every obvious warning sign possible.  Hey, the constant hair touching alone would drive me insane.  At least they can agree that "there's more good than bad," which has to be the very definition of settling.  I suppose Ben thinks Courtney is just too hot to turn down, but is she really?  This isn't exactly Miranda Kerr here.  She makes a better insult comic than model.  Even if Ben's not looking for Mrs. Fjordnik or whatever, I don't really get it.  Courtney is tapping into something very revealing about Ben's inner psyche, and should he choose to forgo his individual dignity, he should use the next episode to act like a moron on national TV because we are fresh out of fantasy suites.


Usually I'm all for some cast off coming back to plead for a second chance, but the past few versions of this have me rethinking it as an interesting plot device.  Ryan the "solar energy executive" and repressed gay man was the last person mixed up in this sort of thing, and it was so poorly executed and forced that the whole concept needed to be placed in more capable hands.  The lead has to at least give a shit about the person coming back.  I do believe there was a time when Ben liked Kacie, but after learning that her dad was Glenn Beck and that she was pretty hardcore into baton twirling, I think his emotions turned from like to pity.  Kacie is just too immature for any of this, and that's at least as big of a hurdle to overcome as Ryan being overtly gay.  Regardless, some genius at Next Entertainment decided it would be interesting to send Kacie all the way from Tennessee to Switzerland just to ask why she was sent home.  I hope she at least got a two week European vacation out of that because there is no way she should have agreed to that humiliation.  Maybe this was a teaser promo for Kacie's Super Sweet 16?  She has no shot at being The Bachelorette, so I don't really get it.


Well, sure, there was yet another warning for Ben to watch out for Courtney, but he's far too invested and prideful to take anything dumb Kacie has to say at face value.  She also didn't exactly lay out the most compelling argument.  Relaying that she once said there are "other fish in the sea" isn't really much of a smoking gun.  Still, there is a pretty complete mosaic of evidence building that suggests the model might be using this as the ultimate showcase rather than a chance to date some average looking bore.  As Harrison noted, the wheels are turning in Ben's head, but they have the distinct sound of being hamster-driven rather than that of a V12 diesel engine.


While I, for one, wouldn't have kicked Nicki to the curb, I think we can all agree that Ben wasn't really digging her vibe all that much.  Had Ben had an actual choice, I think Courtney could have been cut at this point, but she showed enough fake contrition to stick around.  Her game has been a little off once the field narrowed as it became more about one-on-one interactions than just looking better than everyone else.  Courtney's not as much of an ass-kicker down the stretch, but I think she can hold off the horse whisperer.  The best possible outcome for this show is for Courtney to not only win, but rub everyone's nose in it.  The cherry on top would be for her to tell Ben that she duped him and pulled off the greatest feat in reality show history.  I'm pretty sure that's asking for too much, though.


Word is that Courtney will be on The Women Tell All which could make for an entertaining show.  Usually these things are pretty terrible, but I like this potential twist.  There really isn't anyone that I care to hear from in the rear view.  Maybe Jenna will announce that she's contestant #1 on Bachelor Pad 3 or that she's never made a dime from blogging.  Neither of these would be surprising.


The real fun is going to be After the Final Rose.  Could be a real doozy this season if Courtney runs out the clock.  If only we could somehow harness the estrogen-fueled Facebook/Twitter outrage that will invariably result.  It could probably power Zermatt's endless ski lifts for 100,000 years.