Moving on..
Usually we learn a lot in week 3, and this time around is no exception. In fact, I'm betting the house, farm land, pension, family pet, and Franklin Mint pewter chess set on Arie. There's just no mystery anymore. Unless this guy complete screws up, a la J.R. Hildebrand, he'll be Mr. Emily Maynard. Of course there will have to be some speed bumps along the way, real or imagined, but I don't see how anyone can win this other than him.
With that bit out of way, let's have fun with the also-rans, shall we?
Chris is one of about five guys that doesn't induce instant vomiting (from us or Emily), and he also looks the most like Brad Womack, so perhaps it makes sense why Emily keeps gushing about his alleged good looks. We also get to see these two in action as they scale the wall of the Mint Museum of Art (which used to be an actual branch of the United States Mint prior to the Civil War, er, War of Northern Aggression -- I forgot we're in the South this season). And you thought they'd ditch the physical challenge portion this season. Shame on you.
I'm buying that Chris is in the top three or so, but he's kind of suffering from being a bit too nice, in fact, just about as much too nice as Ryan is being too aggressive. It seems like some of these guys are deathly afraid of kissing Emily as if she's this ephemeral virgin goddess that will vaporize before their eyes if their intentions are not deemed true and worthy.
"I hope that opportunity will present itself."Yah, okay, news flash: it's presenting itself right now. There's even thunder in the background. Just kiss her already. My god. A high five? I felt less uncomfortable when Alessandro used "compromise" fifteen times when discussing kids. I'm sure Sean felt less uncomfortable when Emily's sex-starved friend Wendy nearly raped him in broad daylight.
Apparently age is an issue with Emily wherein the applicants need to be 30+ or at least have a demonstrated proficiency in raising children. When she re-learned that Chris was 25, her expression was one of "dear Lord, what have I done?" Sheesh, relax. You're all of 26. Yes, I know Brad was basically 40, and perhaps there are some daddy issues going on there, but come on. Maybe once he divulges his net worth she'll lighten up a bit. I'd say the 24 year-old Alejandro is really screwed.
I admit that I know less than nothing about current country music, but this is the second week we get a private concert with awkward dancing, and we haven't even gotten to Dollywood yet. I can feel the fatigue of this meme setting in. First indication is dry mouth and a slight burning sensation. Chris did the honorable thing and said he couldn't ask for better than Luke Bryan, but my suspicions are that: 1) he could, and 2) this is the first this Chicago-based Corporate Sales Director has ever heard of Luke Bryan. Not exactly Bankie Banx obscure, but close enough.
Two of the most uncomfortable things these guys could go through would be to be grilled by Emily's friends and have to look interested in playing with kids, and fortunately we got both in one episode. First, they had to get past the friend gauntlet featuring a Pippa Middleton stunt double, the horny old blonde, "Ashley," and some random Indian woman.
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| Pippa looking skeptical of this dodgy bloke (arse not shown). |
Some highlights, well, maybe just 'lights:
- Tony talking non-stop about his son
- Jef being told to act like he gives a shit
- Doug talking non-stop about how other guys don't have sons
- Ryan's "confidence" as his best attribute for being Mr. Mom
- Charlie looking like that head injury is still a nagging problem
- Eggman Travis bringing along his egg. Man..
- "Wolf" referring to his female friends as "girlfriends." Oh no he di'int.
- "Jersey" demonstrating "pop and lock," or the robot, or some hybrid thereof
- Sean seducing Wendy (?) with the raw power of his preferred Aryan DNA
- No one talking to Michael, because he's actually an M. Night Shyamalan plot device
I had suspected that Sean was about to make a passing move on the straightaway, and here it is. He'd been essentially a non-factor until now, and I think this is the producers' way of saying that he's going to be around for a while. And if things don't work out with Emily, there's at least one homely middle-aged woman that can't get enough of him. That is, if he doesn't press charges first. Good grief, woman.
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| I have a feeling this will be entered into evidence at some point. |
I think we all knew that Ryan would step in it sooner than later, and sure enough, there he is telling Emily that she'd better keep up her waifish appearance or he might not love "on her" as much (ew). Whoops. Five demerits and loss of down. I think we can safely scratch Ryan off the short list. However, this might be the transition of Ryan the Faux Gentleman to Ryan the Paid Agitator. Sounds good to me. Let's rock.
I'll bet many of you missed this:
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| Left: Lurid man-on-man action. Right: Something a bit more heterosexual. |
Yes, that's our resident Data Destruction Expert Wolfman rubbing all over Ryan on their way to dinner. Meanwhile, Sean is actually escorting the lone female in the group. I think you can do the math here.
Sean is having a hell of a week here, but this line about how he's been studying how to be an amazing dad from his father for 28 years is wearing pretty thin. Yes, I'm sure you were taking notes on this throughout your childhood and in anticipation of this moment trying to woo a single mom. I guess if that's the only card you can play, it's.. something.
Emily called Doug out on only talking about being super dad and got hit with a tsunami of deadbeat mom, dead epileptic dad, and foster homes. That's right, cry, honey, cuz Doug isn't playing around. You have a dead fiance? Yeah, that's nice. Doug has three dead fiances, and all of their parents were killed in tragic kitchen accidents making apple pies for childhood cancer fundraisers. Don't even go there, Emily.
Doug has been difficult for me to figure out. There are times when I'm thinking he's a shoo-in for the top three, and other times when he's just a flat bore. You can't call this guy's backstory boring by any stretch. I think that will guarantee him the "good guy" free pass to the final four or so, but after that, Emily will have to figure out if she's ready to lump Doug's prodigious baggage in with her own. My guess is that, for as much as Emily wants all of these guys to take on her kid as theirs, that she's not ready to take on some other guy's kid as her own. Yes, that's massively hypocritical, but I'm nearly certain that's how she's thinking. It remains to be seen just how much of a benevolent crusader for peace and justice Doug is, but as of right now he's in pretty good shape.
The same, obviously, can't be said of the champion rope-swinger/lumber expert Tony who looked about as mentally tough as his five year old back home in Beaverton. I really don't want to pick on a guy who misses his kid, because lord knows I can relate, but I do find it interesting that these people put themselves in this position and then are blindsided when they discover that maybe it wasn't a good idea. My wife brought up a good point about Tony: his son doesn't have the same support system in place since his wife ran off with the pool guy or whatever, so he probably feels twice as responsible as the usual father. Nonetheless, he should have had an inkling that he wasn't going to make it through this. Unfortunately, this didn't make for compelling TV. If I could have fast forwarded the live feed, I would have. And let's be honest. This is just one less guy for Jef to have to pretend to compete with.
If Arie is going to win, he needs a killer one-on-one date, and sure enough he gets one.. in Dollywood. I've never been there, but it really is like the South's idea of Disneyland. And no, Florida isn't the South. Stupid Yankee.
In a vacuum, I don't think I'd pick Arie to be the winner of a contest for Emily's affections. He looks sort of unremarkable and acts a little dorky, but he seems very comfortable in his own skin and has nary a whiff of pretension about him. Seeing Emily around this guy, you'd think he was conjuring up magic or something. She acts like a little kid and has no defenses up. You almost have to see it to believe it. Even Brad had to whittle away at Emily for 10 weeks to get much of a reaction. Arie pretty much clinched this in week 3 and will be doing victory laps for the last 7.
Even though Arie isn't the least bit country (hell, he barely even qualifies as Dutch), this whole Dollywood date turns out pretty well for him. He gets to take Emily on a roller coaster (complete with Wilhelm scream, which we've seen before), win li'l Ricki a cutesy stuffed animal, and meet an eerily lifelike audio animatronic mockup of Dolly Parton. Sorry, I'm being told that was actually Dolly Parton.
I think few doubted that Dolly is Emily's real life hero, and perhaps even fewer actually believe that Dolly has been faithful to her husband Carl for 45 years (46 on May 30th). In fact, some even doubt this dude exists at all. It's difficult to even find a picture of him. I can't think of a better role model for a fake show about love than Dolly Parton who has a fake marriage to a fake man that she allegedly met at 18.
Switching off the cynicism for a few seconds (bear with me), Arie had all the right answers even when Emily tried to play it tough with him. Kids? Heck, he dated a girl with two of them, up until last year. Oh, and get this: he missed the kids more than her. Pfft, some test. When does this get difficult?
Emily: "Where did you come from?"This was over once she compared him to the dead guy. They could have just cued up Don't Stop Believin', cut to black during that carousel ride, and called it a series. Sure, that would have left a lot of devoted fans, me included, confused and empty, but not everyone can appreciate a David Chase ending. Sorry, but this viewer needs to know what happens to Ryan. And one-F Jef. And Meadow. But not really fat A.J. Or "Nate," for that matter.
Arie: "'s-Hertogenbosch, Netherlands."
Emily: "Ah."
I've watched this Kalon disaster three times now and the only thing I can come up with is that he's there just to fuck with people. There's no chance he does something like that with the intention of winning anything. First, the guy sits down with his back to Emily, then he starts shooting his mouth off with heaping sarcasm about "having the week off" and Emily "graciously allowing Tony to go home." "I wish you would let me finish" was just icing on a very stale cake. Believe me, I love great shtick, but this was like a kamikaze mission to nowhere. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Kalon was either suffering a stroke or on heavy medication. Not everyone can carry off the plant role well, but Kalon might be the worst plant in recent memory. There's just no theme or continuity here. He's just a chaotic mess. Reminds me a bit of Blakeley, but I'm pretty sure she was trying, bless her heart.
Not to be outdone, Alessandro proves that he can do even worse than the guy paid to be terrible at this game. I know what you're thinking: a guy wearing a thumb ring can't win on this show, and you're right. RIP Alessandro "Gypsy King" Goulart. Thank god I don't have to type another word about you ever.
In the aftermath of these two idiots you have Arie playing it cool and looking a whole lot like the current boyfriend, and Sean laying it on plenty thick with promises of sweet texts and his now patented "28 years of father understudy" line. Good enough for second place which is saying something because this guy was barely on the radar until now.
I don't think anyone was surprised by MC Stevie going home, but it's really difficult to figure out what's keeping Michael or "Nate" there. I think "Nate" had a few lines after they chucked the egg, but Michael has been totally mute for a long time now. It's not like Jef is gunning for Mr. Loquacious. His line next week is just fantastic:
"It feels like something we share together is really valuable to her."Jef is truly a fascinating case study in complete indifference. I'm almost hoping he wins.
It seems like Ryan could be melting down over Arie lapping the field, but we'll see how much of that is just dumb ass bluster. Wrasslin' "Rated-R" Rego turned out to be a pussy cat in the end. I'd like to think this arena leaguer has more gas in the tank.
Revised rankings:
- Arie
- Sean
- Doug
- Chris
- Jef
- Ryan
- Charlie
- Travis
- The Field
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