Anyway..
Sophomore episode of the new "Maynardized" Bachelorette, now with half the adventure, but twice the usual douchiness. There's always that initial shock from the average viewer where they can't believe they're watching this show. "What dreck!" they'll exclaim. "This is boring. I can't watch this." Then they dutifully tune in the following week. It's kind of the same song and dance people play with SNL, though mostly to see Ke$ha vomit on herself or Lindsay Lohan perform drunk.
Yes, even seasoned veterans like myself go through these 12 stages of Bachelorette self-loathing (although I've built up a tolerance) but then we remember how much better we feel about ourselves after watching, and everything that was once askew suddenly seems right again. Look, we made it through a dozen episodes of Ashley freaking Hebert. We sure as hell can get through this with Miss Emily at the helm.
First date honors go to Ryan Bowers who, as I noted, played football in Europe as well as the Arena League. Bowers was a standout defensive back at Presbyterian College, home of the Fighting PC Blue Hose, whatever that is (I'm told it's socks) and whose most notable athletic alumnus is probably Allen Morris, a Wimbledon quarterfinalist in 1956. True story, my guidance counselor in high school, Jeanne Arth, was a Wimbledon doubles champion, so really, this kind of puts things into perspective.
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| Bowers preens for his big day. Raging hard nips redacted. |
Personally, I like anything that breaks the mold on this show, so this "Snack Mom" bit was a welcome change. Why not have the buff DB whip up some cookies in the kitchen while donning an apron? Inspired, I think. While we all know Ryan was wincing inside, he actually held it together pretty well throughout this challenge, and that's to be commended. Sure there were a few slip ups, but for the most part he got through it in one piece. The goofy grin reminds me of Stiffler from the American Pie franchise, so I kept imagining Seann William Scott trying to hold it together while drinking Juicy Juice in the grocery getter. "You put it in Park, right?"
I think we need to question Emily's bona fides as supermom warrior princess, though. Stirring cookie batter with a wire whisk? Who does that? People who don't cook. Yeah, that's right.. get all those sticky bits out with a spatula, just like they do it on Food Network. Let's not even ask who paid for the Maynard homestead, although we're all wondering it. I think that might be pulling back the curtain a little too soon. I just hope the eventual winner is ready to sign one hell of a prenup with the Hendrick family lawyer.
Just so it's clear this is Season 8 and not 7 of the Bachelorette, here is the best visual distinction I can provide:
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| Pictured: Not Ashley Hebert sultrily rubbing up against an Aston Martin. |
I distinctly remember Emily referring to Charlotte as a "small town," and you'd think someone from West Virginia would have their small town meter properly calibrated, but a city with a metropolitan population of nearly two million people and two major sport franchises doesn't strike me as being small by any stretch. Then again, the Tokyo viewers were probably like "I know, right?" but in Japanese.
Bless her little heart, Emily seems to be under the impression that the Bachelorette isn't a "competition," but rather a legitimate attempt to find her a husband that she so richly deserves. Yes, somehow in the ten year history of this franchise, suddenly in iteration number 24 all of the rules have changed and now we're looking at how to best find a couple that can be happy together. It must be exhausting to justify this kind of crazy dichotomy to yourself where on the one hand your a hyper-protective mother hen, but on the other, you're a fame-starved attention whore. Lest anyone misunderstand Emily to be uncommonly virtuous and above reproach, I think that facade has already ended up on the floor in a million tiny pieces, which is an order of magnitude fewer than the dust that was once Joe's ego; we'll get to that.
Ryan's answers to Emily's "grilling" weren't all that impressive, or really any better than what Joe meekly threw out there. I think the difference was that Emily is much more attracted to Ryan, and that she got a whiff of some actual testosterone. I guess telling Emily that you'd move anywhere and do anything to be with her wasn't the most alpha male response.
Usually we have to wait a good six episodes or so before the concert date with the band that I've never heard of, but the producers are going all out and reshuffling the deck this season, so we get this clichéd little nugget in week two. I'm obviously no country fan, so I just assume every country act with a guy and girl singer is Lady Antebellum until proven otherwise. I think Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines killed real country anyway sometime in the early 90s. This wasn't country, it was at best folksy pop. At least we had a good bit of irony with (Kissed You) Good Night and no real kiss. Terrible.
Like it or not, we now move on to the Muppet portion of this show, and for me this had to be one of the more out-of-left-field moments I've seen in a while. Don't get me wrong, I actually like the Muppets and think their shtick is still pretty funny (more Waldorf, less Harrison, please). I guess it jibes with the kid-friendly theme, but in the age of carefully orchestrated cross-promotion, I don't really see what the hook is here, and believe me, there's always a hook. The Muppets film from 2011 was released on DVD in March of this year, so maybe we're all supposed to head on over to Amazon to pick it up?
Maybe it wasn't the most entertaining segment, but we did learn a few things:
1. We need way less of this:
3. Nothing ever good comes from guys trying out their own comedy.
4. A charity event featuring The Muppets only brings in about $40 a head.
Before we get to the self-destruction of Joe, I think we need to examine Emily's curious fascination with one-F Jef. Ever since he rode in on a skateboard, Jef has made exactly zero impression in front of the camera, but somehow Emily can't seem to stop obsessing about this guy. If someone asks you if you speak English, that might be a sign you're not stepping it up.
Now, of all the guys cast on the show, Jef probably had the most to gain from his increased visibility since he has something to sell in People Water. Sure, there's a philanthropic angle since water purchased results in an equal amount of water donated, but he might as well call it Jef Water since he's running the show as CEO. It is curious that this 15 year old hasn't put in much effort to sticking around, and for whatever reason Emily has found this kid to be a puzzle that she desperately wants to solve. Usually I'd speculate that there must be more going on that we haven't seen, but it might actually be less. The guy looked completely checked out when Emily gave him the group date rose.
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| Emily: "Will you accept this rose?" Jef: "I guess." |
There are too many other options for her to keep this up, but I do find the whole thing interesting. Let's hope Jef stays with the aloof thing. I want to see how far it gets him.
Now back to Joe, or rather James Van der Beek. I think it was all over for Dawson when he went with the pink and blue plaid number and stepped out of the limo. Say, around this mark:
Way to dress up, guy. Emily decides to take you on a trip to the Greenbrier resort in West Virginia, which amounts to a swanky hometown date of sorts, and you go with the finest flannel you could find at the consignment shop. Talk about an uphill climb. Oh, but it got worse.
I think we gained a bit of insight about Emily's upbringing here. The Greenbrier isn't like staying at a Days Inn. 26 presidents have stayed there. Tom Watson is the emeritus golf pro (a position formery held by Sam Snead). There was an intricate underground bunker built there that was meant to house Congress during an emergency. And then we learn Emily "hung out" here a lot as a kid. Well la-tee-da, Miss Thang. I think I'm starting to understand why she cut loose the biology teacher.
Some other stuff happened, namely this:
It's not that Joe is a bad guy or anything, but it's like he didn't give this any thought. Emily is sort of treating this like a future daddy job interview, and Joe gave the most ham-handed, vanilla responses he could think up. If you're going to rock the pink plaid, you'd better have something that can back it up. The gist of his five year plan amounted to "having no regrets" and perhaps being married, or maybe not, depending on how the wind blows. I'm sure he made a number of other unforced errors during dinner, but I think we got a good sense of how out of touch Joe was even post-editing.
This was the first real dismissal, and Emily looked like she just ran over a raft of baby ducklings. She even pulled out her own variation of the ol' "it's not you it's me." If this is how she's going to respond to paring down the field, I wonder how she's going to get through this. Don't worry, Em, Dawson will find other work. There are plenty of TV movies out there that need a non-threatening, mildly talented, semi-lead actor.
Gotta, be honest: loved the fireworks after sending the guy packing. It had that special twist-the-knife feel that I think we can all appreciate.
My favorite moment in the show had to be Ryan's seven page note. I still can't figure out if this was something hatched by the producers to goof on all of the interruptions, but whatever it was, it had me rolling.
"Are you excited? It's like Christmas. Tony has to sit here and listen to you read this."
Seems almost too perfect. Plus, you had a number of guys watching this whole thing like it was a pay per view event. They had to be tipped off this was coming, right? The best part was that Emily read the whole damn thing out loud, for 15 minutes, and Tony just stood there. I can't describe how awesome that was. If that was all hatched by Ryan alone, then kudos, sir. I am in awe.
Kyle and Aaron were sent home, probably because they looked too much alike. Aaron seemed more with it than over half of the guys that remain, so that was a bit of a head-scratcher. I think the Party MC has a three episode contract, but what about this guy Nate? Here, I did a frame grab of him so I can prove he exists:
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| "Nate" |
So, we're down to a manageable 16 dudes, which means it's time for tiered rankings with commentary. Here goes:
Speed boating:
1. Arie - Still my favorite to win, easily. Did nothing to upset that prediction this week. Made a deft move telling Emily about his ex-girlfriend who had two kids. I don't think Emily is looking for a guy with kids, but one that is okay with it. Arie is also sufficiently famous and well off to support that Greenbrier lifestyle.
2. Chris - Seems like a genuine guy and has a slight resemblance to Brad Womack without being as dickish. "Corporate Sales Director" also sounds like money to me.
Jet skiing:
3. Ryan - I honestly don't think he has a lot of long term potential as he seems to be playing a role more than being genuine, but he's done everything right so far, and that's worth something. Ryan also scored some good ol' boy points.
Swimming with the current:
4. Charlie - Recovering from a major injury will curry some Florence Nightingale favor. Has avoided the "look-at-me" tendencies without being invisible.
5. Doug - First impression rose winner played the single dad angle pretty well, but seems to be playing that card a little too often. In fact, it's about the only thing we know about the guy.
Treading water:
6. Jef - Doing everything in his power to not advance, yet is cruising along. I think next week we see some push back.
7. Sean - This guy gets a lot of commentary in, but rarely says anything among the group. Not sure how that works or what it means just yet. On the verge of being invisible if the production staff wasn't so intent on getting him air time.
8. John - Not sure how seriously I can take "Wolf" or that I know what "Data Destruction Specialist" means.
9. Alessandro - Still creepy.
10. Alejandro - I really need to know more about this mushroom farming. Then we can cut him loose.
Swimming against the current:
11. Tony - Victim of some awesome shtick. I can't believe he stood there while Emily read seven pages of bad prose. Seems a little tone deaf. Hasn't parlayed his fatherhood into any kind of advantage.
12. Kalon - There purely to be obnoxious, but it's not really having much effect except on MC Stevie. These two can probably go home at the same time.
Mirage:
13. Michael - The village mute. This sort of thing baffles me.
14. "Nate" - I had no idea who he was. Honest.
15. Travis - Another "sales" guy who blends into the background.
Floating corpse:
16. Stevie - C'mon.
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