The Chrystie Corns LOOK AT ME Extravaganza

They said it couldn't be done.  They said "no chance you'll finish blogging about this disaster."  "It'll ruin you," they told me.  But here I am, bitches.

From the first episode, the question on everyone's mind has been "how will Ashley dispose of the other guys not named J.P.?"  It's been quite a ride filled with inevitability, uncomfortable moments, staged circumstances, and feigned outrage.  Just as trials are won and lost in jury selection, this season was lost when all of the much more interesting candidates fled the scene leaving the diminutive dentist-to-be as the remaining option for Bachelorette 7 and The Deathly Hallows.  Unfortunately, the script for this version was also lacking despite a proven template and most of the dialogue lifted from seasons past.  If you haven't been following along this time through, you might want to wait 20 seasons for the Christopher Nolan reboot.  By that point, Amesbot will be fully functional and Bentley will return in an alternate ending that will be one of the most talked about moments in director's cut Bachelorette history.

Until then, let's pick at the scraps of carcass until only the marrow is left.

Last we left Ashley, she had the dilemma of begging the very dopey Constantine to stay, or welcoming back that creepy stalker Ryan who smiles at inappropriate times.  Clearly these are the options of a highly desirable woman.  Remember back when Ali had these problems?  Or when DeAnna was totally in these same shoes?  Hahaha... yeah, it seems like this happens never out of seven times this show has aired.  Going into the finale, Ashley had the enviable task of choosing from the two guys that decided not to leave on their own.  At the start of this week's episode, Ashley sets up the scene:  will she pick Ben who she is comfortable with, or J.P. with whom she is madly in love?  I'm on pins and needles already.

I don't know when it happened, but at some point the big shots at ABC/Next Entertainment decided to hire Ashley's sister, Chrystie Corns, as the white noise generator for the finale.  Now, Chrystie (there should be a law against this spelling) isn't an unknown per se.  As I've pointed out, she is an extreme couponer who has been featured on TLC, a local TV host, and a general attention whore with obvious untreated adult-onset ADHD.  Since it's customary for the final two to meet the lead's family, Chrystie was going to be in the mix anyhow, so why not get her on board to throw off the scent?  The conversation allegedly went something like this:

Fleiss:  "Chrystie, we've got a proposition for..."

Corns:  "I'll do it!"

Of course the original plan was a simple 11th hour red herring with a brief cameo, but Chrystie insisted upon making the finale her breakout performance in a leading role.  To say that she was a little out of control is like saying Fukushima was a little melting down.  The best part of the whole thing was that they only had to compensate her in cigarettes and Popov Vodka.

Meanwhile, Ashley's mom, who is a spitting image of Chrystie 30 years in the future, was barely noticeable, and of course her brother and step-father were too busy exhibiting traits characteristic of Y chromosomes to be a factor.  What Ashley's brother lacked in verbosity he made up for in sweat.  I've never seen anyone perspire so much doing absolutely nothing (fat people eating is a close second), and thanks to some fancy camera work and expert editing, we didn't miss a thing.  We truly are living in the gilded age if siblings are flown on location just to get heat stroke on camera.

Conversely, J.P. has no such issues because he's sporting a stubbly dome.  I honestly have no idea why he does this.  You have the whole of your 40s and beyond to be bald.  Maybe more.  It's like thumbing your nose at god.

J.P. acted like any guy would meeting a girl's family for the first time.  He was cordial, respectful, affable, talkative... all of those things.  The problem for him is that he didn't read the script which called for a mid-30s, bitter, divorced sister exhibiting 6 of 9 criteria of borderline personality disorder to make it look as though he was unfit to date Ashley.  Based on his bar mitzvah picture alone, J.P. appears to be a guy who is used to getting what he wants, so to have not charmed the elder sibling sent our hero into something of a tailspin.  While I'm not against having the kid work for it, I could have done without Chrystie enriching her own "logical" ego at the expense of the happy couple.  I think I knew this was all choreographed when the sticking point became the absence of yucks.  It just didn't jibe with the humorless family dynamic they had working.   And really, who the hell can evaluate someone, with any authority, after a dozen or so minutes at a picnic in Fiji?  I find it particularly difficult to assess hilarity in many of the islands in the South Pacific.

The comedy inquisition generated this little nugget:

Ashley:  "I think I'm funnier than you."

J.P.:  [flustered, almost ticked off] "That wasn't the question!"

Which showed that Chrystie's plan was actually working on some level.  Even Ashley's mom chimed in saying that she thought Ashley was more gaga over Brad.  Brad?!?  Yeah, and he was just a barrel of laughs, that guy.  This whole quest for a funny man reached the absurd quickly, and no one watching was really buying it.  At least I hope not.

"I'm looking at logistics," Chrystie pleaded (which itself was actually kind of funny).  Ashley was reduced to tears and played every bit the younger sister who was used to having her older sister steal her Barbies and cut off all their hair.  She did have a good point about the 54 year old J.P. wanting to date the 17 year old Ashley.  That'd be just creepy and wrong.  Turns out Chrystie and J.P. are actually about the same age which almost amounts to a special brand of self-loathing.  None of it really made much sense, but for whatever reason Ashley kind of kept up the theme when she was alone with J.P. and kept him a bit off balance.  So for 10 episodes she's basically ready to carry his child and now she's showing some restraint?  Just seems a little late to play this game.  I think mom's line about her being into Brad was my tipping point.

If Chrystie wants ABC to give her a show, she should audition for it on her own time.  No one wants to watch an extreme judgmental couponer for two hours.  Take your act to Lifetime or Oxygen or Oprah's soon to be defunct network.  See, there are literally three outlets for this brand of entertainment.  I could see an interview with Gayle King where they talk about how to liberate CVS of their fanciest shampoos using the power of couponing.

How meeting the family turned into a "who can make the best dog voice" or "who can be the zaniest" contest is beyond me.  From the outtakes, we know that Ashley is a certified goofball at times, but it's not like Ben is Henny Youngman here.  This show has devolved into convincing Ashley's sister that they can crack one-liners in a convincing fashion.

After seeing the 10th helicopter tour, I think we've hit the helicopter quota for this season, maybe the next three.  Ashley started off scared to fly last season, and now she can probably pilot the damn thing.  "Helicopter tour" is definitely showing up in the official drinking game next time.  I didn't expect mud bathing to make an appearance, so kudos for something fresh.  I can't imagine anyone deciding on Fiji for the mud bath experience, though.

Ben finally followed through with "the whole I love you thing," but not before making it drawn out and awkward.  A consistent theme has been his hang ups about expressing affection, and this didn't really help his image there.  Also keep in mind that he didn't have a homemade gift for her like a map or a poem.  Had he spent $10 at Archiver's, this might have gone very differently.

J.P. didn't make the same mistake and came armed with a fancy basket containing a book and beach photo.  But remember, Ben is better at high-pitched dog voices.  So, it was kind of a toss up at that point.  The problem for Ben, though, is that, in the history of relationships on this earth, "comfortable" has never meant anything positive.  In fact, Ben got slapped with the dreaded "comfortable" and "easy" more times than I can remember.  Comfortable is fine if you're describing a memory foam pillow or a plate of pasta.  If I were Ben, I would have asked for some clarity there.

I keep wondering how Neil Lane got to be the official jeweler of The Bachelorette?  Was there a bidding war?  Was Zales even invited?  That Prestige Diamond Collection they've got is nothing to sneeze at.  Imagine being presented with a half million worth of engagement rings and being asked to pick one.  Pretty good problem to have, I think.  I've always wondered if they were sized right the first time.  Ben was "stoked" to give Ashley a $100k ring.  "Stoked."  I have no idea how J.P. felt about it, but presumably he was something other than "stoked."  All the clues were there, folks.  You just had to pay attention.

For their last appearance, Ben is decked out in Armani.  J.P. is wearing the "Reservoir Dogs" collection by Tarantino.  Ashley opts for a full length version of Björk's infamous swan dress.  Everyone is looking great, with the possible exception of Chris Harrison and his white tie.  Is this some kind of obscure symbolism?  Fijian custom?  I wasn't sure.  I also have a hard time with Harrison's presence at the final rose ceremony for The Bachelorette.  It's not like guys need to be escorted by another guy.  It's strange, confusing, and I want the practice discontinued.  The ultimate dream is losing Harrison entirely, and I think this could be the gateway to making that happen.  No one should be allowed to milk that gig for this long.  He's even got the Verizon guy beat.

Even though we all knew Ben was getting the hook, this was one of the more difficult executions to watch.  The guy just got over whatever insecurity he had about "that I love you thing" and even invoked the image of his dead father before stepping up to the plate.  I suppose you could argue he should have seen this coming, and I'd agree, but boy was this brutal. I'm still debating whether he actually realized Ashley was about to whack him before he proposed and just said to hell with it... I'm here, let's do this.  Her face couldn't have been more clear that it was doomsday.  Once he got down on one knee, I just kept staring at his crazy hair that lost a short battle with the heat and wind.  Another point for keeping things shaved, I guess.

"You're not going to say yes, are you..."

Ashley's runner-up speech needed some work:

"I want you to know that this is the hardest thing that I've done... here."  

As in, on Fiji?  I was a little confused.  Not having a fiver for the valet can be a little embarrassing, I guess.  She kept digging:

"You are one of the most interesting... smartest, funniest..."  

A list of positive traits doesn't start with "interesting" followed by a dramatic pause.  It just doesn't.   Maybe they have to start working on contingencies for situations where someone just wins early.  Ben was barely registering a blip by the end of this puppy, and Ashley was so checked out that she had trouble even building a list of empty platitudes for the guy.  Ben got the kind of send off you see in week 3.  He didn't exactly do himself proud with the snarky "I'm sure you'll have a nice life together."  I'll bet he doesn't even care if they have a nice life together.  In fact, he's probably wishing for their demise.  Ben's a student of the slash and burn breakup school, and maybe that's the right way to do it.  At least in theory.  He sure seemed to be carrying some resentment in the After the Final Rose segment.  Maybe the lesson for all of you hopeless romantics out there is to be a little more in tune with how the other person is acting.  Ashley's not that good at hiding her emotions.  In fact, she was pretty terrible at it.  The only reasonable conclusion is to blame Ben for being clueless.  Sorry, Ben.  You weren't alone, though.  I'd talk to Ryan for more information on this condition.

I'm glad that Ben was "the most vulnerable he's been with anybody" there, but this isn't a contest to see who can be the least vulnerable and still get the girl.  I think he missed that chapter in the manual.  It's not like you have to be over the top, but I don't know a lot of healthy relationships that started with the claim that they were just now emotionally available.  Sure Ben had other problems, namely that Ashley just liked J.P. better, but there were some fixable issues there.  I think the single worst question to ask someone is if you could have done something different to influence the outcome.  That's just desperate and weak.  Take it from me, kids:  never ask that question.  Ever.

Seeing J.P. and Ashley together, they seem to have a good shot to stick it out.  I do think that J.P. will be a lot more assertive and less smiley over time, but I'd put some money on them actually getting married... to each other even.  And if not, there's plenty of former contestants to hook up with.  Some of them have made a career out of it.

I guess the only question remaining is who the next Bachelor will be, and I guess we have to include Ben in the running, but I just find him to be a weak choice.  There's only so much wine talk America can handle, and like the recently retired Randy Moss, Ben takes plays off.  He disappears for stretches of time.  I'd rather cast Ames as kind of a sick experiment to see what happens.  If any of these guys is dating someone, all bets are off.  There are rumors that Ames is with Jackie and that Ben was actually seeing mousey Britt.  That doesn't leave much.  I just hope Ryan isn't on their radar.  I think (and want to believe) that most of sane America wants no part of Ryan and his book of fabulous questions.  Might be time to purge the list and start from scratch again.

As for Bachelor Pad 2, I'm in if you are, and I know you are.  From what I've seen so far, things look excellent.  I'd probably watch anything with Kasey (and his 11 studs) in it.  I think he may have been lobotomized at some point.  Everything else on that show is just bonus to me.  Seeing the dentist lay waste should be good too.  Can you imagine getting your teeth cleaned by Blake after all that?  I'm still waiting for a field report from one of his patients.

"You're the only one that understands me, Amesbot."

And with that, we tie a bow on yet another epic journey that started in L.A. and ended in some exotic location.  We'll do it again in the fall, and this time I'll probably even enjoy the process.  Feel free to leave comments here, on Facebook, or email us at realepicjourney@gmail.com.  

Until then, may all of your helicopter tours be scenic and your Chinese lanterns be un-peed on.