Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The Pad is Back!

Thankfully, we're done with Ashley and can focus on more important things, like whether Vienna has exophthalmia, how many pounds of muscle Kasey really added in the off season, how many kilograms of collagen are in Erica's lips, and why anyone even thought to invite Melissa.  There were moments during The Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons when I'd make comments about how "real" the shows were, or ponder the extent to which things were manipulated by the production team.  Might as well throw all of that serious-ish discussion out the window.  It's all phony, it's all played up for the camera, and there will be no holding back from me.  There have been times when I've felt compassion for some of the players on these shows, but this is different.  To wit: you have a single mom, Ella, whose mother was shot to death by her step dad when she was a young girl.  She's apparently in this to win money for her son so that they can live together in a quaint little house on some non-descript country lane.  Sure thing.  If you're going to whore yourself out on a show for money, by definition you've lost the sympathy angle.  The whole concept is kind of gross.  I'm forced to take everything you say to be complete BS.  Sorry, Ella.  I'm sure you're a lovely person, that is, if I could remember who the hell you are.

The second iteration of Pad seems to be working the "nemesis" angle pretty hard.  Vienna has Jake.  Michael has Holly (sort of).  Jackie has Michelle.  Blake has gingivitis.  Ames has his battles with being a functioning human.  Overall, I think they did a decent job with the cast, but some of these people are so far in the rear view mirror that even I as an expert have a hard time remembering them.  Apparently I'm not alone either:

"Ladies and gentlemen:  The role of 'Melissa' will be played by Michelle Money."

Gia is the only person they brought back from the first Pad, and I'm already bored with her.  C'mon, you can't be on this show twice.  You definitely can't be on this show after calling that dolt Wes "the modern Shakespeare, only better!"  I'm willing to bet Gia has never even read the Cliff's Notes to Henry V.  She's terrific to look at, don't get me wrong, but the second she starts in with that strange baby talk, I start thinking about doing some laundry or vacuuming the stairs.

"Rated-R" is also losing his luster.  He left Ali's season with a clumsy whimper, and his status as a diabolical mastermind has always worked much better on paper than it has on TV.  He's done too many reality shows to be much of a wildcard anymore.  Sure he breaks hearts in Toronto, but he's better known for breaking his leg and gimping around the set.  He also got busted by Facebook, of all things.  Some mastermind.   Fortunately, he's not long for this show, and I think we're all better off as a result.

I still find it funny that ABC pitches this show as being a "quest for love" for the cast-offs from prior Bachelor(ette) seasons.  Who the hell is buying that?  Most of these people get in front of the camera and state unequivocally that they will do anything to win the money.  (I don't even want to know what that blowup doll Erica meant by that.)  The rest just haven't had the chance yet.  Actually, I take that back.  Ames is probably there to find love.

So what are we getting out of this season?  Hopefully some real drama and a lot of going off script.  The control freak puppet masters that run The Bachelor series probably think they can write drama better than these psychos can bring it on their own fueled by insomnia and alcohol, but they're wrong.  Just release them into the wild and let the magic happen.  I pray that's what they do, but we all know better.  This is going to be a weird mix of production and honest batshit.  I hope the latter wins out, but we'll see.  

I suppose they want us to get all worked up over Erica and her entitled attitude, but she's recently been on a reality show called You're Cut Off! where VH1 pretended to revoke trust funds to see how spoiled rich girls would react.  What you're getting here is a well-honed act and one not really worthy of your time.  Walking into the room, she (and her tiara) barely registered a blip on anyone's radar.  Even the crazies are tired of her already.  I know what you're thinking:  I've seen this chick before.  Here you go.

I like that aspiring Hydrolyze® spokesmodel Vienna is already crying right out of the limo.  There's a woman who is genuinely insane.  In fact, her phony permasmile should be featured in clinical psychology textbooks.  I still think it's hilarious that Jake proposed to her.  The other women where nearly apoplectic about it, and of course they were right.  I like what's brewing here.  She's of course dating dopey Kasey who has been training Dark Knight-style for a bare knuckle brawl with Jake, so hopefully that will come to fruition.

The challenges give this show a Double Dare physical challenge kind of feel, with Harrison standing in for Marc Summers.  I don't think they thought this harness thing through.  Some of the guys' legs were turning a deep shade of purple near the end.  Someone could have lost a limb back there.  I don't know if that's the kind of drama I had in mind.  It was good to see William suck at yet another challenge, but this time it was his tiny girl arms that did him in.  I really thought the wrassler was going to win this thing given that he spends most of his time in a gym, but it came down to Team Guard and Protect versus Jake and his meditation grip of death.  In reality, this was a test of sciatic nerve integrity.  Kasey gave up after he couldn't feel his legs which is probably a good time to let go.  Vienna of course blamed him for not caring enough.  I love how this is shaping up already.  She seems really reasonable and super stable.

Amesbot has inexplicably already interfaced with Jackie in what I can only imagine is an act of philanthropy on her part.  She's much too nice to tell him to go away.  As a criterion of the Turing test, Amesbot has to endure a period of time without his host to see if machines are indeed capable of feeling jealousy.  It's been a while since we've seen Jake and I forgot what a cheeseball this guy is.  He lives his life as if there's a camera following him around constantly and is a little too quick with glib lines that would make car salesmen jealous.  His date with Jackie was largely spent trying to convince her what a great guy he is and how Vienna tore out his still-beating heart.  After watching that pathetic display, it's obvious how hung up he still is, not necessarily with Vienna, but with the idea that America thinks he's a bad guy.  Well, not everyone thinks Jake's a loser.  He seems to have the pudgy third grader demographic wrapped up.  I'll admit that was sorta sweet, even if they had to explain to her who Jackie Gordon is.  Jackie is still one of my favorites and would have made a good Bachelorette over the dentist.  I'll be bitter about that for years.

So there's a rose to hand out, and if you had doubts about Jake's lack of tactical skills and common sense, there should be no mystery after he decided to give a rose to Vienna.  This was such a stupid maneuver that I'm still not positive it wasn't scripted.  Had to be, right?  No one would make that move willingly.  The show is entirely built around Jake and Vienna, so they really really want to keep them around, and this certainly helps.  Gia decided that giving the rose to Vienna was tantamount to irreversible betrayal and sobbed right on cue.  What a waste of hotness she is.  I can see why Carl Pavano dumped her.  I can't endorse him ditching Alyssa Milano, though.  That was stupid.

Jake's need to be redeemed gets squarely in the way of good TV.  No one really cares whether he's seen as a good guy, and really all that little display did was make him look like someone who is still pining over a psycho.  Nothing he does makes any sense to me.  While Jake sat back self-satisfied, Kasey and Vienna openly mocked him and retired to their room for some grainy security camera sex.  Well played, Jake.

Every reality show where people get voted off is necessarily an homage to the original Survivor where Richard Hatch introduced the world to a hairy naked gay guy on national TV, oh and the idea of forming alliances.  Honestly, nothing has significantly changed in reality show alliance technology in the 11 years since, and this is probably why I don't watch Survivor or its facsimiles like Big Brother anymore.  Seeing who can form the best alliance isn't that interesting to me.  I think there are better engines of drama.

The great thing about Kasey is how deadly serious the man is about mindless bullshit.  The word "integrity" inexplicably showed up during discussions of strategy which was some high comedy.  I haven't been counting, but I think Kasey has said "protect" about 25 times which is exactly what I was hoping for.  We're going to need this level of commitment from him.  Fifty years from now, this guy will still have that horrendous tattoo on his wrist, and he'll have to recount that story about 11 studs all fighting for the heart of a woman that couldn't have cared less about him.  With judgment like that, you know this thing with Vienna is going places.

Absolutely one cares about Alli leaving, and even having been on two ABC shows now, an equal number of people will remember her.  The only thing we learned from her is that women will cry over anything in that limo.  I think Justin was targeted because of his (undeserved) reputation of being a manipulator.  This is exactly the kind of guy you keep around because he's actually pretty easy to read.  And he never did get that swim.  Knocking off Kasey was the right move tactically speaking (trust me, Ames ran the numbers), but people got too wrapped up in Justin's image to think about things correctly.  I find this whole "Kasey the Jedi genius master" to be worth a good laugh.  It's difficult to be in awe of anyone that has to ask their girlfriend for permission to do things:



I don't know who wins, and frankly, I don't really care.  Others can worry about the strategy if that's your deal.  Just give me some emotional rollercoastering and I'll be happy.  One thing that really bugged me about Ashley's show was her slavish adherence to the storyline and refusal to act like a normal person on camera.  I think we need to purge the bad memories of what happened there and start over again.  Together, we can get back to that happy place.

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