In a twist that has to have angered his descendants, Salieri, who was a real guy, was depicted as an insanely jealous and sadistically vengeful contemporary who preyed on Mozart's numerous shortcomings driving him to succumb to "consumption" or some other silly catch-all malady that hasn't been diagnosed in centuries. Early in the film, the venerable court composer Salieri develops an intense if one-sided rivalry with young Mozart where both men push each other to pen sublime scores for opera. The rivalry becomes an embarrassing rout when Salieri can't hope to keep up with the prodigious Mozart who seems to be merely transcribing notes sent by God himself.
Joseph II, Holy Roman Emperor during this period, served as a well-meaning but perhaps tin-eared music critic. At one point he publicly declared an opera written by Salieri to be the "best music yet written." Later, he had the same pat review for Mozart following the performance of his newest opera, though he also decided that there were "simply too many notes" and that he should "just cut a few."
I only bring this up because this latest episode feels a bit like a piece by Salieri, at least as imagined for the big screen. It had all of the elements of a great work, and at times I was genuinely entertained, but in the end it just felt like something that could have really shone if placed in the right hands. Sure, I loved throwing hot but creepy Shawntel Nelson back into mix, and that was truly an inspired movement, but couldn't it have come a few measures earlier in the score? I think all of the notes were there, but maybe in the wrong order. Look, I'm sure the real (non-jerkface) Salieri was a lovely man who composed many terrific works. He just never wrote an Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.
Ben is surely no Mozart, but he can sure churn out a mean three chords of David Gray. It's been a while since I dusted off my CD of White Ladder. He's basically my generation's Christopher Cross.
So here we go again, but this time in Ben's other claimed home town of San Francisco. He's eager to tell his prudish sister Julia about all of the fab women he's been hooking up with, including the "drama-free" model with the weird lips, the Lipizanner dressage champion, the future CDC head, and of course the great-kissing accountant. His characterization of Courtney had to be the most amusing, along with Julia's knee-jerk rejection to the idea that she'd get along famously with "the model." I don't think those two would last five minutes around each other. At this point I'm pulling for Courtney in the finals fueled by the mere hope that Ben's family would have to meet her. I think he's genuinely clueless about her at the start of this episode, but not so sure he's in the dark for long. Julia casually observed "this will be a very funny story to talk about later on in life." I'm honestly surprised that made it to air. This show is about love, Jules.
So this is the first close look we get at Emily, and I have to say that lived up to expectations. Of course I have no idea how fast that hamster wheel is spinning in Ben's head or in which direction, but she seems to have a lot of qualities one would look for in a long-term relationship: smart, funny-ish, playful, self-effacing, ambitious, and uncrazy (following a preliminary scan for crazy). If Ben is thinking wife (why would he), Emily is probably current option number one given three shows worth of data. However, if he's looking for more of an adventure, there are many other options available ranging from chop to power frappé.
If you're playing Bachelor Bingo at home, I hope you checked off "send the girl with intense vertigo on a date doing things high up." We also had a new entry under producer-rigged moments with "girls spot the couple climbing the Bay Bridge from five miles away using a low magnification boutique telescope." That video of Michael Vick throwing a football out of the stadium seemed less rigged.
For any holdouts who refuse to believe in corporate intervention, I give you the "leap list." What's that? You've never heard of the leap list (but feel like you should have because you're a super-connected and hyper-aware interweb maven)? Well, let Ben and hand-selected others educate you on what is sure to be the next big twitter trending topic (#leaplist). Bucket lists are for old bastards and are too morbid, so to zazz things up for the barren hipster crowd with lots of disposable income, Honda's marketing gurus dreamed up this uninspired nugget to somehow drum up interest in their chick car SUV thingy. Things like this probably look good on paper during that late night marketing meeting over some Papa Johns, but the execution is so forced and plainly stupid that they should be publicly ridiculed for even trying. For commercializing an already contrived (but highly epic) journey, the embedded reality show commercial gets an unprecedented three Alex Michels for uber lameness. And as much as I enjoy summer snow skiing in bikinis, they just as easily could have got there on a chartered bus. Or a convoy of '98 Ford Explorers.
An interesting feature about Ben is that he very clearly telegraphs (like, clear as day) whether he likes someone or not. For whatever reason he asks that chick with the Kim Carnes voice if she wants to talk for a bit, and she obliges by being a vapid waste of precious air and water. So what does Ben do? Taps into his inner ADHD and finds things like the floor and his hands more interesting than anything coming out of her mouth, which was probably true. We've seen him frustrated before, and Ben unleashed a gratuitous "I get it" right between the eyes of poor Rachel. Not catching even one of the myriad tepid body language signals that he was loudly projecting, Rachel decides now would be a good time to suck out Ben's life force through his throat. Rachel isn't part of the mean girl drama factory. She's mostly harmless and can be removed with a few dabs of club soda, but I think everyone is already bored with her big close up.
Brittney leaving was only a curveball, and maybe not even that. Maybe more of a cut fastball. Ben was going to kick her to the curb, and she was smart enough to go out on her own. The producers love the ol' one-on-one date heave-ho, and it's basically psychological torture for the people getting dumped because 1) they usually have no idea and 2) they aren't mentally ready to leave. For as dopey as she sounded, you have to hand it to Brit for sniffing this one out. Ben's getting a little too much attitude anyway. He's starting to get that Captain Jake Pavelka swagger about him, and we know that those are checks his body can't cash. Ben is more suited for flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong, if you know what I mean.
I'll be honest: I'd never heard of this Matt Nathanson dude before. Reminds me a little of Dave Matthews. Shazam didn't do me any favors either, so this must've been recorded on show. Usually they can swing a bigger name than Matt Nathanson, even if they have to reel them in on their way down to performing in casinos. The Barenaked Ladies weren't above this kind of thing. Neither was Seal. Sure it was a good dozen years in the rear view of their peak, but still. Please don't email me if this guy is some kind of mega superstar that I'm just totally clueless about.
Lindzi (it honestly pains me to type that) looks to be a pretty strong contender, no? I think I discounted her as being nothing more than the kooky horse whisperer, but she seemed to have a few hidden facets working. Move her on up the big board (updated below). She looks way older than 27, though (Ben: "Right?"). Just sayin'.
As I said in the opening, bringing Shawntel back wasn't a terrible idea at all. It's actually quite brilliant, so it must have been an intern that suggested it. The only issue I have with it was how they executed it. You can't just drop her in there with the sharks. That was doomed to fail. At least give her a chance to supplant ol' horseface, that weird gay girl, or lip tat. Instead they decide to do an extended commercial for the Honda Civic's award winning Bluetooth capabilities where Harrison tells her that her move is "bold" even though her follow-though ended up being one of the more laughably bad entrances and exits in show history. I was a fan of Shawntel on Brad's season, a big fan, and was actively promoting her as a Bachelorette candidate (falling on VERY deaf ears... morons). She could have pulled it off too. But whatever this is? This is not what I signed up for. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the fact that they parachuted her deep within enemy territory without a map, but she's was absolutely lost out there. I felt a little sorry for Morticia. This is part of her legacy now.
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| "You're cool with Shawntel, right Kacie?" |
Some of the girls didn't seem to grasp that Ben and Shawntel knew each other, especially that future Nobel Prize laureate Elyse. "You don't know Ben! You were with Brad's season." She knows him better than anyone in the house. She probably knows him better than Harrison does, and those guys are bros. Whether that's any evidence of their potential for the elusive connection, who the hell knows, but it's at least as good of a vetting process as any of them went through.
The real genius of sending in Whatsherbutt, though, was to see the near pyroclastic reactions to her. It was astounding to watch so many women absolutely lose their collective shit. I'm especially looking at you, Elyse. Calm the hell down already. If I'm Ben, I'm pulling out a notebook and making detailed entries during that debacle. (Yes, a real notebook.) It was not unlike chum-infused waters during a piranha feeding, but I think even a carnivorous fish with razor-sharp teeth and a lack of higher brain function would display more composure.
Jaclyn, who we have to assume is extorting Mike Fleiss in exchange for three weeks on the show, keenly observes: "Like, we don't reuse Brad's dumpster trash." Horseface is dead wrong, though. Ashley was Brad's dumpster trash. Hell, Ben is Ashley's dumpster trash. Ben is the trash of trash. Jaclyn is about to be the trash of trash of trash. See where we're going here? The entire franchise is based around reusing dumpster trash. Brad just happens to have been on a lot, so he has more dumpster trash floating around.
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| "On a scale of 1 to 10, I feel like I'm gonna throw up." On a scale of 1 to 10, you're ugly. |
I think I speak for the entire male viewing population when I say it's truly a pity that we'll be denied such a timeless beauty the rest of the way.
The rose ceremony truly was magical, and I never use hyperbole like that. Even with all of the unrealized potential, this was about as good of an ending and compelling TV as we've seen in a while. Seeing a woman nearly pass out over Shawntel just being there is a win in my book. I know I'm a tough critic, maybe the toughest Bachelor blogger out there, but I have to hand it to the
Shawntel showed a little extra crazy that we never got to see with Brad. I know I went on and on about how normal she was back then, but there was a crack in the façade this time. She actually shed real tears over this. Was she even there long enough to get her parking validated? I figured she'd get sent home and that would be that, but she did the awkward post-dismissal linger. She might actually want this to happen. Well, good news, Miss Nelson. No one ever gets married on this show. Just hang around until the summer and you have as good of a chance as any of dating Ben, if that's your thing.
The "resuscitation" of Erika was maybe the clumsiest thing I've ever seen (don't they staff a doctor/nurse on set?) with relevant advice spanning from pregnancy to anemia to hypoglycemia. I would have loved to see her with a doughnut and glass of orange juice while they run an IV with her head secured between her legs. "Breathe in through you nose and out through your mouth." No one is blaming the lip tat, but that's the first place I look. Maybe ink poisoning. Here's hoping Erika and Jaclyn retire from reality showdom. They would be perfectly awful on Bachelor Pad.
So I promised I was going to update some rankings and the like. Here you go. First, ladies were assembled into tiers according to their infatuation level with Benjamin:
In Love <3 <3 <3 OMG!!!!111!!!!one:
Kacie B.
Jennifer
Nicki
In Like:
Lindzi
Emily
Rachel
In like:
Casey S.
Jamie
Elyse
In yeah... whatever:
Courtney
Just happy to be drinking for free:
Monica
Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs:
Blakeley
No clue:
Samantha
Next, we rank women in order of likelihood to win it all. Still not sure how the finals shake out (somehow managed to avoid spoilers), but here is my official commentary:
- Kacie B. is probably still the best bet to win based on how Ben acts with her, but her flaw is painful immaturity. She's more like a girl than a woman. She's exceptionally cute and stubbornly loyal. These are also perfect traits for a puppy. We'll have to see if she has much depth to carry this to the finish.
- Emily is by far the most well-rounded of the bunch. She's also a bit less exciting, but the long term potential is huge. Could start to challenge Kacie depending on what he's looking for.
- Lindzi is moving up the charts fast. Serious potential here.
- Jennifer is starting to come off like a stalker/groupie. She has plenty of enthusiasm, but might want to start dialing that back a bit.
- Nicki basically lost her mind during the Shawntel debacle and is pushing a little too hard. Nicki also isn't terribly bright and has weird emotional swings.
- Courtney is doing what Michelle Money couldn't with Brad, and it's working. So far. Made a few missteps with the taunts, but Ben is willing to overlook some of it to date a model. I just wish she'd stop playing with her hair.
- Jamie reminds me a bit of Emily in her demeanor. Could be some potential, but she's being forgotten by Ben and the audience alike.
- Casey S. is very cute but way too standoffish. Time is running out here.
- Elyse had maybe the most visceral reaction to Shawntel and was a bumbling mess talking to Ben. Needs to chill.
- Samantha is the beauty pageant winner, right? I can't remember.
- Blakeley seems like she's skating the razor's edge of sanity every minute. Shock therapy candidate.
- Rachel is as dumb as Cheeto® dust.
- Monica is like the official UN observer of this trainwreck. I have no idea what she's doing there.
Had Shawntel stayed, I would have placed her somewhere in the top 5. She already had a history with Ben, and he obviously likes her. However, keeping her would have killed any chance with the remaining women. His best odds were to keep the 13 he has. I still wish that I could visit the parallel universe where Shawntel got a rose and all hell broke loose. Show mutiny? We'll never know...
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