This time around we find Prince Pinot of Sonoma inviting his Merry Band of Eighteen to his charming hometown for a week of hot flashes and night sweats fueled by alcohol and fresh cut crazy. We first greet our nobleman walking his mighty steed, a spry Jack Russell named "Scotch," as he saunters down an unassuming sidewalk wearing powder blue Keds and still ripe from a lack of proper bathing. It was a shrewd tactical play for Ben to decide (all by himself with no help from anyone else on the show) on this particular moment for a surprise mega hometown date, but this is the kind of turn-the-show-on-its-ear craziness this wild man of wine has ushered in this season. Critics might call him "safe" or "quiet" or "mollifying" but I say a man this dangerous shouldn't be given a multi-million dollar travel budget and a week where anything goes. You never know what might happen. Someone could get, you know, pregnant. Or maybe we'll have to break out the Neosporin.
As predicted last week, Courtney reprised her starring role as the duplicitous, self-absorbed, back-stabbing Michelle Money (minus eight years), but no one asked Ms. Money if she was licensing the role or granting Fair Use in the hopes that people might somehow confuse the two. I have to admit, it's sometimes difficult to tell given that both seem intent on playing the role with as much theatrical flair as Mike Tyson in Hangover Part II. "How'd that taste coming out of your mouth?" No, Courtney. How'd that taste coming out of your mouth, bitch.
The Emmy Rossum-ish Kacie got first shot at the unfrozen caveman, and why not. There's really nothing to dislike about her. Sure that laugh should be arrested for disorderly conduct, but it's a small price to pay. And he can probably force her to stop doing that with some well-placed nagging, right? They have years to figure that stuff out. I give Ben kudos for getting this one right, and he was rewarded with an enchanted evening in the newly formed ghost town of what used to be a somewhat populated Sonoma. Ben is acting like he just bought Sonoma. Wait, did he?
I'll just assume Ben's mom paid for it, much like the boutique winery he purports to run with his "buddies." One day, after a few years of making sick bank as an internet sales guy and becoming disillusioned with the non-stop party scene, Ben returned home to his roots to take up a hobby that only pretentious rich guys dream of doing after they've started liquidating their 401(k)s. Question: What varietal is best on a hot day? Answer: A trust fund. And a dry riesling.
Kacie is, well, effervescent I suppose captures it, but you have to wonder if she'd even find a way to have fun during a home invasion. There doesn't seem to be a moment when she isn't smiling like it's her fifth birthday. Whether that's due to Ben, or this journey they're on, or maybe narcotics, there isn't much that can cramp this southerner's style. The home videos of her twirling baton, some of which appear to have been shot within the last decade, suggest a woman who couldn't likely tell you how much a gallon of gas costs. Ben is still caught in the mode of trying every flavor of ice cream in the parlor and can't be bothered with which one tastes better than the other. Well, except for Prailines 'N' Jenna. He all but offered Kacie a spot next to him working the land in Northern California for the next 50 years. I don't have the calculus totally figured out there, but Kacie seems like she might have options.
Oh shit, is Seal going to sing again?
False alarm. It's a movie... which dispels any possible notion that Kacie has had a bad day, hair-based or otherwise, in her entire life. But damn if shit didn't just get real with the gratuitous video of what is now surely the most referenced dead dad in the world. Seems a just a hint.. no, maybe a whisper from an angel's breath of being over the top. Just something to think about, ABC.
I'll say it: Kacie is the early favorite. That whole interlude even made this battle-hardened blogger choke up. Again, I'm shooting blind here. I'm spoiler-free in 2012, so long as I can avoid them. I think even Wikipedia is corrupted now.
On the other side of the tracks, Blakeley really wants that rose. Just ask her massive tits. They'll tell you. I hadn't noticed them before, but I also hadn't really paid attention to that "holy shit what the hell is that on your arm" tattoo either. That looks like the kind of ink you get to distract from third degree burns. Word on the street is that there are more where those came from too. Those crazy kids actually had the brilliant idea for Blakeley to jog in slow-motion. Well, I want to live in a world where they came up with this on their own, but it sounded more like something the producers cooked up. This episode seemed even more tampered with than usual, and that's saying something. Am I not entertained? Oh, I am. "She did good," observed little Jimmy.
I just have to say, I love those dang kids. They deserved an Emmy for their work out there. I think there's no better way to sift through the dreck than to let kids be the judge. If you suck, they'll let you know. No one was safe, not even my girl Nicki who made the horrific choice of busting out "the sprinkler" for her "sexy dance." No, see, that's that kind of thing that Jonah Hill would do.
I'm not much of a fan, but Blakeley sure looked like she'd been there before. Might be a little too VIP for a cocktail waitress. That epidemiologist might come in handy yet. I want to share in the disbelief that Jaws got a rose, but I'm really not. Again, it's early, and we're still in the primordial ooze phase of this competition. What better to rattle the hen house than this? We're now up to three button pushers: Monica the weirdo, Courtney, and Dr. Teeth here. Best part about this one is the twist on the twist. You think you can handle Blakeley? She's so crazy, she'll make you cry and then outcry you. That's the kind of game changer I'm looking for. The women can't handle someone like that, and Ben sure as hell had no idea what she was doing there. I think at one point he checked for a pulse after Blakeley was curled up in the corner like a shivering meth addict. "No thank you." No, it's okay, Blakey baby, we're plum out of drugs for the night.
As part of his looks-first campaign, Ben went after Courtney with his next one-on-one date. Probably was eager to wash the taste of Blakeley's veneer glue out of his mouth. While the producers did everything in their power to convince us that this was a burgeoning love-affair, these two went on a date as if they weren't sure if they were related or not. If there was ever an example captured on video of someone not "kissing back," this had to be it. Courtney went with the tortured soul defense, but she did just about everything in her power to not discuss anything personal and to just keep the chain moving down the field rather than taking any shots at the end zone. Ben seemed genuinely interested, but then again he kept ol' horse-face Jaclyn for a second day (so strange). I was cringing when Ben tried the same "come out the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs" offer on Courtney, and he was politely rebuffed. Models don't date Ben types. At least not after the cameras are off.
Ben: "I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life."
Courtney: "I'm happy for you." (i.e., GFY)
Ben: "But, you're like that too, right?"
Courts: "Oh yeah, totally. Right."
Ben: "We're like twins, you and me."
C-Dawg: "Yep."
Ben: "Kiss?"
Heidi Klum: "Sure, whatever."
Magical.
Somehow Courtney's "omigoshwhatever" act is charming Ben. Nevermind the somehow, I get it. Michelle Jr. lives to fight another day.
Some of the best lines were delivered late. Two beauts:
"I'm not a girl, if that makes sense."
Not in the least.
"Just 13 roses to hand out tonight."
I'm starting to warm up to Emily. No, I am. I didn't really like her at first, but seeing all of these women self-immolate has me reconsidering. It's still early. We might see one or two late moves.
Also, we need much more of Elyse. C'mon, man.
Jaclyn. Yeah, I'm as confused as you are. Absolutely no idea what's going on there.
The 42 foot blonde Casey S. gets a rose after going mute for two hours. Hang in there, hot babe.
Dark horse candidate: Jamie. She seems to be the most normal of the bunch. Sort of like being the Chinese gymnast with the biggest boobs.
Current (completely uninformed) rankings to win Ben's heart for a few months:
1. Kacie (currently not close, like Secretariat 31 lengths not close)
2. Nicki
3. Jennifer
4. Emily
5. Jamie
The only other interesting person is Lindzi, but I think she's basically insane.
Speaking of insane, we now close with The Dismissal of Jenna, in stunning pictorial detail:
tags: bachelor, Ben, Ben F., Ben Flajnik, Ben Fjlanik, Ben Ffdkjeijfllkkflslfkkkkkkkkiiiiiiii111, Jenna, blogger, Carrie Bradshaw, Terry Bradshaw, immaculate reception, immaculate contraception, morning after pill, vineyards, Sonoma, Napa, Na-Na-Na-Napa Know-How, Andrew Firestone, crying, sobbing, losing one's shit, woman problems, first woman problems, Michelle Obama, Cathy, cats, lolcats, lollercaust, meowmix, ladies, Ben, final rose tonight, when you're ready, Chris Harrison, Rodney Harrison, San Diego Chargers, Natrone Means, Vincent Jackson, Sorry Miss Jackson, Jackson Browne, Runnin' on Empty, Michelle Money, straight cash homey, Johnny Cash, Fulsom Prison Blues, Blue Onion, stolen iPod, GMTAN, one million views, million man march, Al Sharpton, The Be Sharps, baby on board, Burt Ward, Adam West, Family Guy, Darling Nicki, magazines, Prince, Prince Pinot, red wine, UB40, WD40, pours out 40, Sublime, Nickelback, Canada, hockey, hokey, pokey, Gumby, Green Grow the Rushes, gringo cheese dip, Brad Womack, Emily Maynard, doomed to fail, bailouts, Ford, Honda, repeat, little Ricki, I Love Lucy, I love NY, NY Islanders, Brian Trottier, trot, horses, Secretariat, ESPN Sports Century #35, Stu Scott, booya, boogers, lazy eye, crazy Ivan, one ping only, Sean Connery, Bond, James Bond, Denise Richards, boobs, winning, washed up, Ashton Kutcher, Nikon, stalker, Chris Yandek, first off, how are you doing?, I'm fine thank you
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