So I just learned that Ali Fedotowsky is blogging about this show too. For the Ladies' Home Journal, no less (still going strong since 1883; for context, that would be during the Chester A. Arthur administration). I think it's safe to say we're catering to different audiences here. Ali was my favorite Bachelorette bar none, and I still think she's great, but the blog is pretty much a snoozer. Not to besmirch Ali's post-Bachelorette endeavors, but maybe the highly competitive blogging world isn't her best career option. If she wasn't getting paid, you'd probably see some actual insight and insider dirt from her because she played the role brilliantly, but sadly we'll get none of that. Throw it on the pile.
The other day I was thinking about awesome gigs that pay way too much, and Chris Harrison immediately came to mind. Do you think he can turn off the host switch? I bet he can't:
"Honey, I've got a great evening planned tonight. Lots at stake here, so listen up.
We've got the sitter coming over at 5:30, then we'll be spending the evening dining at Applebee's where the two for $20 special is back. Choose from any of eight delicious entrees, like the classic 7 ounce house sirloin, plus an appetizer to share, all for only 20 bucks.
I've also arranged for two exclusive tickets through Fandango where we'll have a magical one-on-one date seeing Beauty and the Beast in decadent 3D. As you know, if the stunning Belle can find true love with ghastly Beast before the rose sheds its last petal, he'll break the evil curse. If not, it's the final rose of the night and he'll remain a beast forever. Run time is about an hour and a half, so plan accordingly. I know you're a big Jerry Orbach fan, and he's sublime as Lumière.
Lots for you to think about. Take a moment to get ready, and I'll be back in a few."
Word from our street team is that some people are losing interest in the show because Ben is a colossal bore, but I think this could be the best season yet. Let me explain my thinking...
Last season of The Bachelor featured über-goober Brad Womack who was nearly surgical in his execution of a game plan. Not only was he able to pick "none of the above" his first time through, but he was actually invited back! (But only after being counseled by the former drummer for Go West.) You have to respect that kind of chutzpah and commitment to douchebaggery. During Brad's second run, we were introduced to the professional actress Michelle Money whose sole purpose was to win the game while mind-fucking (or at least softly mind-humping) the other girls. She didn't "win," but she got pretty far. Her biggest mistake was getting a little too pushy and pouring it on pretty thick.
Michelle's strong run set the stage for Bentley who was developed in a secret laboratory to mentally terrorize that stupid dentist Ashley, that is until Bentley's (ex?) wife decided the bad press was cutting into her boutique children's clothing business and he pulled the plug on the whole thing. It's a real shame because Bentley had potential, too. Brian Wilson SMiLE potential. We'll never know what might have been.
With two plus seasons of of data, the producers have now unleashed their greatest creation to date: Courtney Robinson. Courtney isn't like the other foils we've seen before. She's hotter, younger, smarter, and sassier than Michelle, and better yet she's composed of a mimetic polyalloy. That's right, kids: liquid metal. While some worried about Skynet becoming self-aware, I was personally more creeped out by the prospect of time-traveling droids.
I know it's still early, but Courtney could actually deliver on the show's greatest promise, which I think is to have an evil, soulless automaton win the game. Or at least the best possible representation of such a thing. Michelle had no realistic shot at the title. She was raw, old, orange-hued, and out of practice with real people. She was better suited for more ambitious tasks like ruing Carlos Boozer's marriage (true story) and looking tan year round in Utah. Courtney is hungrier and has more to prove, yet shows uncommon restraint when the situation warrants. I think we're seeing something special taking shape here, and I want you all to pay close attention as it may be a while before we see something like it again. Forget Ben. Who cares about that idiot. Focus on the ladies, people.
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| Fly fishing aficionado/sometimes model Courtney Robertson |
The prim and proper Ali Fedotowsky isn't going to tell you stuff like this, but I will. You ignore this season at your own peril.
Oh, let's not forget that perky Kacie B. She's a darling. I mean that too. A very sweet, kind, and almost painfully innocent girl who appears to be emotionally stuck in neutral somewhere around age 15. This is exactly the kind of girl who could get eaten alive by this amazing journey they're on with nothing left to show for it but a picked-clean carcass and scores of half-filled notebooks bearing bubbly script that reads "Kacie Flanjik" writ over and over. You could see it in her eyes during her alone time with Ben. This is a girl who already has prospective names picked out for their five future babies. She's like Chantal O'Brien on steroids, but without the boobs or presumably the dad who owns a fleet of auto dealerships. I like Kacie a lot, and it seems as though Ben does too, but the lap dog approach doesn't really have a favorable history on this show, and I also question Mr. Flajnik's sincerity. There, I said it.
I know that there is still a lot of the overpopulated herd yet to thin, but I don't know what Rachel is still doing on the show. Actually, I don't know why she was cast in the first place. I guess they wanted a blonde with killer bangs? The surest way to measure Ben's interest in someone is to see if he says something akin to "I really like where things are going with ______." Pretty much the kiss of death there. He tried to sell it, but Ben's not much of an actor, and Rachel sounds like an ornery sea lion. The only thing that saved her was the presence of Next Entertainment staff member Monica and that sash-wearing helium head Samantha. Otherwise, I think Rachel would have been doomed, no matter how "mellow and easy-going" she is.
It was during his date with Rachel where we saw how often this show leads to exchanges that come off as a job interview. "What would you say is your biggest weakness? If I were to call your previous employer, what would they say about you?" I never thought of Ben as arrogant before his new role, but now he oozes with entitlement which looks out of place on him. We're pretty far from the days of him sweating and groveling for Ashley's miniature hand. Not much more entertaining, mind you, but there is a distinct swagger. Why don't more women turn this on its head and ask what is so great about the Bachelor? Maybe throw a few well-placed negs in there. I think that's a winning tactic, actually. This field is pretty weak on attitude. No wonder Courtney is winning the group battle.
So to understand this correctly, consider that you have a house full of girls who are oozing drama and a cocktail of female hormones, and
then the iconoclastic Courtney who doesn't really give a crap about how anything turns
out as long as she's there another week. I can see how that would work for Ben. If he thinks, for whatever reason, that Courtney "gets it" (it = ?) and is the "least dramatic," that might be enough. Well, she's hot too, which never hurts. The variable in all of this is how serious Ben treats this show. If he's just like "fuck it, no wives to be had here," then you have an entirely different set of motivations and potential outcomes. Interestingly, though, I think the new and improved Michelle polls well in either scenario.
In composing notes for this write-up, I scribbled down something about Casey S. being vapid, but then saw just how truly vapid (and whiny) Samantha was. Until now, we didn't get much of a sample of Sam, and now we see why. Ben actually escorted Samantha out which was weird; usually the clingers don't get the VIP treatment. Maybe he wanted to make extra sure that she left. Later, Emily used "vapid" herself to describe Courtney, which is just stupid. I love that word, but stuff like this is just diluting the integrity of our language. We need to reserve these premium zingers for choicer moments rather than throw things around willy-nilly like Josh Freeman. Check the numbers.
I got a little heat early on with my fawning adoration of Nicki, and you'll be happy to know that I've dialed it back some. Yes, I see that her nose is "weird" and that she's a little loopy, but I'm still a fan, folks. There are times when she's worthy of the high praise, and others when you wonder if its the lighting, or what. Her comment about Ben showing up on a horse is "like something out of a movie" perfectly summed her up. It is a movie, Nicki. Oh, and you're wanted in makeup. Though, the best line of the night for me was "I caught the fish and then her head almost popped off." God that's good. See, Michelle never said prosaic stuff like that. That's pretty far from "vapid."
In case you missed it, Courtney basically took over the show in Week 4 and proved it with her little pouting exhibition that won her an "in case of emergency break glass" rose. Ben wouldn't pull that little move for just anyone. In fact, I don't think he does that for anyone other than Courtney. What? The model is pretending to be upset? Get that woman a rose STAT! Pathetic. All that served to do was show Courtney that she can do anything she wants. Nice going, dummy. You're in charge. Act like it. When in doubt, ask: "What Would Brad Do?"
I know that big shot blogger types like Reality Steve like to rail endlessly on the producers and how they can carve up video and mash it together to make it look like anything they want, but there are obvious limits to this, and his paranoia on this subject is a little worrisome. Sorry, but they're not miracle workers. If you don't say crazy shit, they can't invent it. There's no question Courtney is pushing buttons and being obnoxious around just about everyone. The only unresolved issue is how much of that is purely for dramatic effect. Michelle could never quite solve this problem. In her thirst to win, she let her crazy side bleed through and derail her mission. The model might have things better under control (so far so good), but there's still a lot of time left to screw things up. She's already completely in the head of Emily and Kacie, but that's low hanging fruit. Let's see her take on more of a challenge or sustain it for a while. It's too bad that embedded staff member Monica got the hook because she would have had the balls (perhaps literally) to mix it up with her. I wonder if any of the ladies can make a tactical shift. The purported "smartest" contestant is Emily, and she's already been reduced to rubble. I honestly don't know if anyone is going to catch on.
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| "Okay, now give me serious. Gorgeous." |
Speaking of slow wits, crazy-eyed Jennifer got a crack at a date with Ben. I think the red hair is mostly real, but it might be bottle-enhanced. Still not completely sure on that, and yes it matters. We keep hearing what an amazing kisser Jennifer is and little else beyond that. I guess now you can add crater rappelling to that list. Sorry, illegal crater rappelling. I'm sure no one noticed when the cameraman in scuba gear showed up with a $100k submersible Canon HD rig. Why they continue to insist that these dates as the brainchild of the lead I'll never understand. Is this sort of like pro wrestling where we all tacitly admit that it's fake and don't care? I swear, the show would be just as entertaining without the myth that Ben is bankrolling and planning these exotic dates himself.
At dinner, Ben had to make sure that Jennifer was cool with dating wealthy trust fund kid who keeps his own hours at the winery (and whatever other media events he'll be attending after the show airs). By contrast, I'm guessing if this doesn't work out, Jennifer will be scouring craigslist for "Missed Connections." So yeah, I think she's okay with your wacky schedule. This whole date was just straight up uncomfortable. Jennifer has to grow beyond the "good kisser" stereotype, and yet her biggest achievement was kissing... while treading water. Not the stuff finals are made of.
We got yet another sad music act on this show which is about as weak and forced as watching a bunch of American Idol contestants rolling around town in a convoy of Ford Foci while singing show tunes. No, I don't know who Clay Walker is, and neither do you. Might as well be Bankie Banx.
As if we needed confirmation, Ben's about as bad of a dancer as Brad was, and there's no way he knows a single thing about country music much less knew Clay Walker lyrics. I see him as more of a Phish kind of guy. Or whatever this is.
I ask because I don't know: Are skinny ties officially back? Please tell me this an anomaly. I know I'm embedded deep within flyover country where the hipster movement lagged about five years behind the rest of the country, but this is something I'll need time to brace for if it's real.
Okay, now for the truly depressing: Emily is making the classic error of being the tattle-tale, and worse, she seems to be unable to stave off the urge (it actually seems to spill into next week). No one likes a Cindy Brady, and this franchise is littered with the corpses of those who don't believe the cruel lessons of history. It always blows up in their face. Always. It's pretty much reality show truism 1A. In her blog, Ali said she liked it when people did this on her season of The Bachelorette and even encouraged the practice (which I remember). Nice revisionist history there. While she did ask guys to cry foul to her, she resented it just like everyone else would. There might not be a bigger sign of insecurity and weakness. It's like saying "I can't handle this. Please send me home." In fact, if you're not a waifish model, it's even more likely to result in that outcome.
You have to love estrogen-fueled aggression, especially in the realm of reality TV. Here you have 105 pound model who is threatening to "rip the head off" of other girls for sport. If some jackass did this on The Bachelorette around a bunch of dudes, blood would be spilled. I think Courtney is about as tough as a yapping Pomeranian, but it's enough noise to put people off their game. Emily is sobbing uncontrollably basically because a girl looked at her the wrong way. That's going to hurt her stock... a lot (as you'll see below). And here I was a big fan too. It's too bad, but you do have to have more of a spine to win. Emily doesn't have it. Worse, she brought this on herself.
"I'm a nice person don't fuck with me."
I'd love to know what would happen if someone did indeed "fuck with her."
So with Samantha already mercifully gone, only Monica gets cut which is an event more worthy of Week 1 than 4. Monica had her early moments of faux lesbianism and being the yin to Jenna's miserable yang, but oddly she turned into the reasonable house mom who was just happy to be getting free food and lodging. Maybe I'm alone, but I'm a little sad her one-on-one time was left on the
cutting room floor. They were probably talking about how the show would be edited going forward an other logistical items. I was absolutely stunned to see this woman cry in
the limo. If that's acting, bravo. I almost have to think it was.
The merely semi-vapid Casey S. was probably close to being on the chopping block here, but is attractive enough to fight on another week. Her clear homage to Stevie Nicks circa Stand Back was curious. I really hope that look isn't back.
You know, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced (like, 95% sure) Courtney is absolutely modeling her Bachelor persona after Kristen Wiig's SNL character Penelope. The similarities are too close to be purely coincidental, I think. You tell me. The hair playing? The one-upsmanship?
"I was just there two months ago.""I can go higher than anybody."
Sure seems like performance art to me.
Let's see where we're at with stock prices:
- Lindzi (43.40 per share, +2.30, buy rating): Lindzi did nothing explicitly to help her cause this week, but nothing to hurt it either. She came off well in her date with Ben last week and is rising in a relative sense by holding strong. No observable drama... yet.
- Kacie B. (38.83, -4.39, long-term accumulate): Kacie ran into some trouble after the opening bell when Goldman Sachs lowered their price target to 35. She's going to have some difficulty maintaining support at this inflated price which was due to some early irrational exuberance. We still like her chances, along with the underlying fundamentals, but her stock ran overheated for a few weeks and needs to consolidate somewhat.
- Nicki (34.98, +1.33, buy): Nicki is still a strong contender, but we haven't really seen every facet of her game yet. She might have mom jeans in the closet.
- Emily (33.29, -7.12, hold): Ouch! This was the loser of the week. Emily should have put on a happy face and bit her cheek, but no, she had to disclose revised earnings before the bell. Expect to see an accounting firm change if she has any hope of recovery. We're not optimistic based on the futures market.
- Jennifer (32.55, unch, hold): Jennifer's date was puzzling. Ben wasn't exactly gushing with praise. Among this group, she's still hanging in there, but the crazy-eyes were getting a workout. Don't panic sell, but have a stop-loss put in just in case.
- Courtney (32.02, +4.39, buy): Courtney showed that she can push people around who are not as emotionally equipped to handle her. She also showed the ability to control Ben's behavior to some extent. I still discount her deeply due to past flame-outs of notable antagonists such as Michelle and Bentley, but this is a stock that could easily pop if the moving averages cross on high volume. Watch this situation closely and be ready to move in strong.
- Elyse (29.38, -1.28, hold): Elyse has been somewhat invisible lately, and I think she's probably doomed ultimately. However, this price is reflective of market optimism. I'd sit on it until you see some news next week.
- Jamie (27.12, -3.84, sell): Time has probably run out on Jamie. While she's staying above the fray, you probably at least need to show up. She's starting to get the Sixth Sense treatment of not existing.
- Casey S. (24.77, -4.91, sell): Weird wardrobe aside, Casey is a very pretty girl who sadly has no personality and has made the odd choice of buddying up with the mean girl. This isn't a team sport, so consider liquidating your position in favor of better returns.
- Rachel (22.12, +1.74, reduce): Rachel didn't embarrass herself, but the rose had little meaning other than to say "there are worse than you." Expect nothing more than a dead-cat bounce, if that, and find a convenient exit strategy.
- Blakeley (19.42, -5.69, strong sell): All we saw of Blakeley was some fancy stomp dancing. It's been a complete tailspin since the infamous "corner incident." Get out now while this stock still has some residual value.
- Shawntel (0.00, unch, delisted): It was a run.
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