At Least There's a Bikini Pic

Oh, there you are.

So, unlike you, I didn't watch the Super Bowl.  Well, I did see some of it.  Like that Mario Manningham catch.  I also watched enough to know that a game where a guy tries not to score a touchdown is, generally speaking, pretty stupid.

Unfortuntaely, I haven't been immune to the "is Eli better than Peyton?" crazy talk.  I know this is a blog about a dating show that is watched by 70% women, so most of you couldn't care less if you were offered cash to do so, but let me just air this publicly.  No, Eli is not better than Peyton.  He's never been better than Peyton.  He can't even shit on a toilet better than Peyton.  A guy with a career 82 passer rating isn't an all-time great at anything.

Okay, I feel a bit better.  Let's head to Panama City (yes, the real one, not the shithole in Florida).

I honestly didn't know neo-birther Donald J. Trump owned commercial property in Central America, and in Panama no less.  Interestingly, Panama is the birth place of John McCain who is about as latino as the Mexico-born George Romney.  Some might question the decision to build a $400 million luxury high rise during a global recession in a country with an average per capita GDP of of $11,700, but not Trump.  Of course the bonds they used to finance this bad boy were recently downgraded because it turns out that, wouldn't you know it, Panamanians generally can't afford to live in ornate luxury high rises.  Still, the architecture is stunning in that it looks like every weird building that's been built in Dubai over the past decade.  Actually, I think it's supposed to look like a sail, but it mostly looks like a huge vagina.

Hmm...

I hope you weren't thrown off by Ben stepping in for Chris Harrison with the first date card.  I had to do a double take myself.  I was thinking, "this is what passes for fresh script writing on this show?"  Can you just imagine the production meeting that day?  "Get this:  Let's have Ben give out the date card!"  Holy shit that was an monumental change of pace.  I hope you were buckled in for it.

You often hear about "the edit" people get (well, I do... industry talk and all), and there is some truth to that.  The producers can mold the perception of some people by stringing together unflattering moments.  Usually, "the edit" is used for evil, as in the case of Courtney who has been portrayed as the meanest mean girl in the cheer squad.  However, I've always maintained that they can only use what you give them, so if "the edit" shows you calling girls "bitches," then you probably called girls bitches.  More interesting is to decipher how much of each girls' comments is played up for effect and how much of it is real.  We've already established that Courtney has a nice blend of shtick going, but there's assuredly some sincerity buried in there somewhere, and she's hardly worth anyone's ire.  It's been sad to see her run unopposed for a while now.  A contestant like Courtney needs a competent foil.  A Rafa to her Federer.  There's nothing like that here.  Rather, we're getting a lot of Jo-Wilfried Tsongas who spray wild backhands all over the court.

The syrupy sweet Kacie seemed to be a slight victim of the dreaded "edit" this week during her re-enactment of Cast Away with Ben on an island that is safely within swimming distance from downtown Panama.  I'd noticed it earlier this season during their fabled Sonoma dinner date, but Kacie might have the most grating laugh ever recorded.  You could chalk this up to her being just a sweet southern belle who just loves the hell out of life, but it comes across as almost defensive... like she's compensating.  People who smile at everything and laugh incessantly give me the creeps.  I imagine the producers made sure to give us a generous helping of that hideous cackle just to hammer home the point.  Well, mission accomplished, gents.  Everyone has their little pet thing they do, but that laugh would probably break me after about a week, Alex DeLarge style.

With hometowns just around the corner, or rather two agonizing weeks away, things are starting to get real.  Kacie shares with Ben that she used to barf to look even more waifish than she already does, and Ben reciprocated by sharing that he heard her say that.  He never says anything remotely interesting, this guy.  Kacie divulges a substantial moment from her life, although eerily like a badge of honor, and Ben essentially shrugs.  How can we expect to take Ben's epic journey seriously if he won't even share his favorite varietal?  He likes red and white?  Good grief.  Yes, and I'm a fan of an entire athletic conference.  At least tell us that you had an extra toe removed at birth or that your sister is actually a man.  Something.  It's like talking to a wall that politely nods every few seconds.  It was kind of cute to see Kacie open up to Ben and for her to gush about how "easy" he made that for her.  The bar is so god damned low I question whether there is a bar at all.  In real life, Kacie wouldn't give a guy like Ben a second look.  On this show, she can't be any more obsequious.  I'm sure he can't wait for you to run and get those groceries, honey.  Take the Prius.

Kacie can't survive long term, "edit" victim or not, and this is a little disappointing since there aren't a lot of viable options left, so it makes you wonder just how this show is going to sustain viewer interest.  I'm getting worried.  Courtney will have to start fighting with herself.

If the vagina building wasn't your cup of tea, maybe Ben's penis boat was more your thing.  Constructed from a hollowed out remnant from the local rain forest, it could comfortably seat 10 when fully erect.  Don't think we aren't paying attention, ABC.  The FCC went after M.I.A. for recently flipping off the world.  Don't think that your crude sexual innuendos are safe from the scrutiny of a government agency that inexplicably avoided Rick Perry's shit list.  Now, thankfully Ben's boat got nowhere near the gaping waterfront hotel, but they did manage to allegedly discover the last forgotten tribe of the isthmus.  These people are known for goading women into removing their tops and, of course, henna tattoos.  All I could wonder is how you arrange for something like this.  Is there a lost civilizations tour group you can book with?  

"We'll just be over here masturbating."

Courtney is right:  none of the other girls seem to care about making a move.  It's sad to see all of this potential being derailed by a total lack of competition.  The last big hope was maybe Blakeley to stick around for a while, hone her craft, and potentially lash out in a drug-addled rage, but even that dream is dead now.  What are we going to be left with?  Emily crying at Courtney to be her friend as she packs up to leave?  It's pathetic.  I think we can conclude that there aren't many women here who give enough of a shit.  When Ben did his little Chris Harrison impression, he was almost too good at it.  It's not easy to perfectly mimic his patented brand of asexual blandness.

This is the second week of stalled momentum, and I blame Ben's "go with the flow" mentality.  It's rubbing off on everyone and lubricating much needed friction.  Ben declared Lindzi to be "drama-free" which is about the highest form of praise he can bestow upon a female.  Why he keeps talking himself into this idea that the remaining girls are "easy going" is beyond me.  For as many women (other than that hussy Jamie) that he's claimed to have kissed, he doesn't seem to be very familiar with how estrogen works.

I've never dated a model, but I'm guessing they aren't usually drama-phobic.  That's just the general impression I get from watching shows that feature Tyra.  Courtney is just a shade below putting a leash on Ben and parading him around for show.  How that fits with the "flow-going" he talks so much about, I'm not sure.  She basically got his blessing to bitch it up out there in the field, most notably around Emily who is the least capable of handling it.  I think Ben actually likes Emily, but she's got a weak disposition in the face of female aggression, and we all know how crucial it is that the wife of a Northern California wine maker to be willing to mix it up.  She's got a lot going for her, but there's a perfect storm of self-destruction and inferiority complex that will probably sack her chances.  Kissing Courtney's ass was strange and showed obvious weakness.  If she really wanted to resurrect her prospects, she should have thrown her in the pool for a wet cat fight.  Bold, but necessary at this stage.  And don't worry, the water is chlorinated.

Jamie is basically Emily's pathetic twin.  She's just as meek and desperate to stick around, but having done nothing to earn it.  I'm not sure there's been two minutes of more uncomfortable television in the last five years than what she pulled.  It was like watching a dog walk for a mile on its hind legs.  I actually like Jamie, and maybe it was the competitive format that threw her off, but at least get a few drinks in you before you pull a stunt like that.  Courtney has a glass of Merlot permanently glued to her hand.  Just a thought.  If six weeks in you're like "screw it, I'm going to kiss him," maybe you'd be better off as a Jeopardy! contestant.

I'm warming up to this idea.

I can't remember any of the show's two-on-one dates ever being interesting.  Usually you have some dead weight clogging the system, and that can be safely said of Rachel (who?) and Blakeley.  I don't know why they insist on having Ben dance, but we've had more than our fill of it this season.  Blakeley looked like she had done something like that before.  I don't think they call it "salsa" where she's from since it usually involves a pole and small bills.  She put on a decent show, though.  Even Rachel was a fan:  "I think she really uses her sexuality with Ben a lot, and I don't understand why."  I don't want to sound like some kind of arrogant know-it-all, but I think I know why.

I can only imagine the dilemma of cutting loose someone that should have left three weeks ago.  Blakeley was so confident she was staying that she pulled the ol' "arts and crafts" angle that has been the ruin of many a poor soul.  Attention future contestants:  you cannot save yourself with construction paper and some crayons.  It cannot be done.  Once you find yourself clipping random words from magazines and using child-safe paste, you might as well salvage some dignity and walk off the set.  I still remember Chantal O'Brien's homemade map.  If she couldn't make that angle work, no one can.

Nice. Is that comic sans?

Yes, we're all going to miss Blakeley a lot and remember her for her unshakeable decorum she exuded throughout this season.  Don't worry, folks, I think we'll be seeing plenty more of Blakeley in coming seasons of Bachelor Pad.  Notice I said seasons.  There's about zero chance that doesn't happen.

Looking forward to Blakeley hooking up with Jake Pavelka soon.

I'm not sure there's been a contestant more mentally checked-out than Casey.  They finally had to give her the hook purely out of principle as she wasn't even getting enough camera time to justify her per diem.  From what I've been able to gather, Casey is a part-time model which explains why she follows full-time model Courtney around like she's her summer intern.  I feel like devoting more space to her will somehow result in her receiving residuals, so suffice to say that it was a welcome exit even if she was nice to look at.  The problem was that she was boring as all fuck and never said a word.  The only remotely interesting thing she ever did was pretend to be devastated about not finding a husband.  I've said it before, but if hot 26 year old models can't find love on a highly rated television show, what hope is there for the rest of us?

"How do I quiet the voices in my head, Chris?"

Ben played the "you've cost deserving women their time with me" card as if he really wanted to keep any of the garbage he's already sent home, but we could easily play the "you have to be an idiot not to know that Casey can't stand you" card, or the "don't give me that you dirty hippie, we all know the producers are manipulating this" card or the "maybe if you were more interesting, women would want to talk to you" card.  As you can see, it's a pretty big deck.  In addition to a copy of the home game, Casey gets sent home in style via a '98 Ford Windstar.  I really hope they make her pay taxes on these trips.  What we lost can never be fully recovered, but every little bit helps the healing.

I'd post some fresh rankings for Week 6, but honestly, I don't really see the point.  Courtney looks like Ahmad Bradshaw falling against his will into the end zone.  I still like Lindzi the best, but we've hardly seen her in the last two weeks.  I have a feeling Chris Harrison is going to visit next week to tell the girls Kacie was sent home for being underage.  Let's hope the show gets its mojo back rather than resorting to black censor bars as cheap gimmicks.  Courtney needs a tango partner, and I need better material.