Ben is so screwed

There are some episodes where I can barely contain myself thinking about all of the wonderful commentary that will unfold here, and then there are episodes like Belize that drive me to want to claw my eyes out.  Sure, there was some good stuff near the end, capped by the most hackneyed symbolism we've seen in 23 seasons, but forcing us to suffer through 90 minutes of fluff to get there hardly seems like a fair trade.  Well, I'll admit here that I don't watch the show live.  It's true.  Even with copious editing, we're looking at over an hour of cliché and repetition to get to that 20 minutes of creamy nougat.  It's in there, but it just feels like a lot of work to me. I think one obvious problem is that Ben is completely terrible at feigning interest in women he doesn't like.  Brad was great at it.  Even kicking girls off that he couldn't stand, like that uber-bore Britt, he made them feel like all that was standing in their way was unfortunate timing.  He really felt for these ladies.  Don't ever doubt it.


For as much as we complain about reality television being scripted and phony, you wouldn't think the producers would go out of their way to find a lead guy that was so uninteresting and bereft of personality.  Okay, so he runs a winery with his childhood buddies (one of which comes from the Benziger wine family, so not exactly from the ground up).  He was also embarrassed by a marginally attractive girl on national TV.  That doesn't mean we should reward him with months of paid vacation in exotic locales where hot women throw themselves at him.  The producers are slaves to their formula, and have been for years paralyzed by the fear of screwing up the franchise, and yet they screwed this up anyway.  God, I'd almost prefer that gay solar power exec Ryan to Ben, and that is saying something.  At least he was flamboyant and completely weird all the time.  I think it's time we had a clinically neurotic Bachelor.


The remaining women are a pretty good batch overall, I'll admit (save a few nuts).  It's probably close to what I would have picked if I had been in that situation (easy for me to say).  I can't really quibble with things from that perspective.  If you're a woman, though, you're of course genetically obligated to hate Courtney and post about it at length of message boards, twitter accounts, Facebook walls, and comment sections.  I suppose I get it, but at the same time, not really.  Who would be entertained by Ben coasting through this and proposing to some mousey girl like Kacie B. at the end?  That would be truly awful television, and you know it.  Everyone secretly loves Courtney for what she's doing.  How do I know this?  The ratings bear it out.  Go ahead:  try not to watch.  You can't do it.  It's the world's slowest trainwreck, and no one can look away.

I wouldn't shoot like that.  Your guns could jam.

Going into this episode, I was pretty much driving the Lindzi Express bandwagon, but I'm tapping the brakes a bit.  There are times when I'm convinced she's the best choice by far, and others (more often lately) when I think she was raised by wolves or something.  Nevermind that she and Ben don't really sell themselves as a couple (it's invariably awkward), Lindzi seems to be suffering from that curious illness that befalls many women on the show where they talk themselves into thinking the Bachelor is a finalist for Most Interesting Man in the World.  I suppose it's difficult to mentally extricate yourself from the magical journey and think things through rationally, but come on.  At the end of the day, Ben is basically an average dude who has essentially sleepwalked to being on TV for two seasons.  He ferments grapes for a living.  Still we get hyperbole like:

"Ben's all that I was hoping for in someone, and 20 times more."

Maybe you should raise the bar then, Lindz.  It's not that Ben is a bad guy or anything, it's that he's barely registering a pulse.  I've never seen someone try less hard than this guy.  Ben could quite literally be anyone, and you get the impression that Lindzi would have this reaction.  I want to believe in you, Lindzi.  I really do.  Allow me to do that again.


I'm not sure why Ben had a one-on-one with Emily this week.  We already know she's in the dog house with no hope of escape.  My only guess is phony tension with Courtney who responded by flailing around like a fish out of water over Emily's time with Ben.  It's no fun to be kept around as a plot device, but that's basically what happened.  It's a shame too because she pretty much had an LL Cool J type comeback.  When she's not rapping or whining about "vapid" models, Emily is pretty much top tier material.  Her biggest problem has been the need to be the purveyor of Bachelor truth and justice, or in other words, a giant tattle-tale.  This week, Ben and Emily had a perfectly nice time together:  they rode bikes, pretended to spontaneously hunt for lobsters, talked about not focusing on Courtney, and toasted to their future with some Bud longnecks like a couple of bros.  So maybe it could have gone better, like without ten mentions of Courtney, but Emily should have coasted to the final four.  Maybe on Bachelor Pad 3.


Ol' Fish Lips get the final one-on-one after a Ruthian called shot, which I thought was pretty impressive.  How could she know?  The paranoid among us would say the producers tipped her, since of course, she's a plant, but I think it's just pure bravado.  Courtney knows full well she's lapping the field and figured that she was next in the queue.  Ben was obligated to give her "please for the love of god don't leave" date to ensure he can add "dated a real life model" to his LinkedIn profile.


Once Emily shoves off, I think we're seeing Kacie as the next contender for biggest h8ter of Courtney.  These women just don't get it.  I think we can cut Kacie some slack since she's 15, but for the most part these ladies should know better.  It's like they never attended high school or chased after the same guy at summer camp.  While Kacie was an early favorite, her immaturity and, god help it, her cackle are sure to send her packing.  I know I'm giving advice about four months too late, but Kacie's best shot here is to just kick the ever-loving shit out of Courtney.  Not only would that be the best thing we've seen on TV this decade, but it might actually save Kacie's hide.  Absent some kind of big move, I think Curley Top is looking at a disappointing finish.  I know I'm not alone in being more than a little turned on by all of the cutesy aggression.  Let it all out, honey.

"Maybe if I stare hard enough, she'll drop dead."

Courtney, being the Shaq of her reality TV generation, demonstrates that she's basically immune to the normal rules of engagement.  Whereas Emily writes her own pink slip by kvetching about Courtney, said model flips the entire concept on its ear and bemoans Ben's time with Emily.  Response?

"If anything, I respect it more that you tell me these kinds of things.  I do."

I'm almost crying with laughter.  At this point Courtney could probably tell Ben to eat his own poop and expect his full and eager compliance. Way to keep this one under control, Ben.  The show might as well be called The Bachelorette now or maybe The Dog Whisperer the way that Courtney has Ben trained to beg on command.  It's so pathetic, but fitting to see him embarrass himself like this.  And you didn't think he could reach a lower point than Ashley dumping him on one knee.  Shame on you.


I'm no body language expert, but anyone that's seeing chemistry here, or even a slight interest of Courtney in Ben, is deluding themselves.  This girl is running "game" straight out of Neil Strauss' how-to guide of the same name.  This is pretty much textbook maneuvering, but I've never actually seen a woman do it, under the scrutiny of a national TV audience no less.  It's kind of like seeing a fish walk or something equally preposterous, and I, for one, welcome our game-running model overlords.

Communication:  the key to a lasting relationship

Any scene with Rachel is borderline unwatchable, so of course this whole "let's send Rachel off to swim with sharks" bit was pretty much as insufferable as expected.  The highlight was Kacie getting a rose and watching the other two have to choke on it.  Somehow that devolved even further into three concerned mother hens worried for little Ben's future with Courtney.  I'm surprised they aired this footage, honestly.  You could see complete resignation from Nicki who spoke like she gave up on this whole thing about a week ago.  It's one thing to hear Emily chirping in your ear about the evil model, but when three other women say exactly the same thing, you might want to at least look into the possibility that you're being duped.  Or you could just carry on and pretend that everything's going exactly according to plan.

I feel like we've been deprived of these for six long weeks.

Ben knows exactly what he wants to do, so he calls off the cocktail party and rushes into the rose ceremony, but only so that he can interrupt it to talk to Courtney.  Makes sense.  He had hours to do it on his own time, but why not do it when everyone is ready to hear the verdict?  Can we at least be a little more subtle with the producer-dictated drama?  Oh, so now that they had a few minutes to hash it out, it's been addressed and the ladies can calm down.  Seems reasonable.  It's moments like these when you almost believe that Ben and Courtney are both in on it.  The latter actually might be.  Him?  Nah.  He's truly awful at this.  I believe every terrible decision he makes is his own.  Part of me thinks they'll reveal this season was all a carefully crafted hoax like The Hills, but then how would they get all of the genuinely dopey reactions from Ben?

"Bar called.  They're out of rum."

Good riddance, Rachel.  You're terrible.  As for Emily, the girl looked genuinely disappointed, and Ben looked like he couldn't have cared less.  That bastard.  How many rapping epidemiologists are there in the world?  Maybe two or three?  I'll bet they don't look as good in a bikini, though.  Congrats, dummy, you dumped a good egg.  That's doctor good egg to you.


Next week is hometowns.  Let's just avoid embalming tables this season, okay?