Clearly I need a vacation. I've been run ragged over the last month or so, and this blog has suffered mightily. The posts were getting later and later. The quality progressively worse. No two ways about it. I have failed you, dearest readers. But we soldier on anyway, because there is just too much ripe fodder, slightly stale though it may be, and I'm still hungry.
So let's rewind the mental TiVo and go back to hometowns. Ah yes, the all important contrived meeting of the entitled Bachelor and all of the families he's going to lie to or politely ignore. There's nothing more natural about some guy asking for four different womens' hands from four different dads, and them all saying "sure, why not."
If we learned nothing from Season 15: Brad Womack Strikes Back it was that "hometowns" should be as cloying and awkward as possible. It's fitting that Shawntel had a minor (and pathetic) cameo this season because it foreshadowed the sheer awfulness of these hometown visits. It's really hard to believe Miss Nelson was sent packing after laying Brad out on a metal table and threatening him with impossibly large needles. We see a continuation of that over-the-top approach with the visits this season. You like stereotypes on overdrive? You got it.
Kicking things off was Lindzi and her paddock of Lipizzaner stallions. Ride in on a horse, ride out on a horse, I say. Once it's time for Cirque de Soleil to leave town, I'm sure we'll be treated to Lindzi sobbing to a taciturn canter. Clearly she has no other worldly interest other than horses, so naturally that's where this is headed. This episode is already inducing audible groans, and I'm barely two minutes in.
I've actually been to Ocala, or as I like to refer to it "Gainesville's kid sister." It is certainly known for horse breeding. In fact, a few derby winners have come out of there. For being kind of an armpit in North Central Florida, there's a smattering of money in Ocala. Lindzi seems to be a woman of means, or related to it at least. I'm sure Ben can empathize with that burden. Neither has had a care in the world their entire lives.
So as I watch Lindzi's dad, Harry Cox (c'mon...), tell Ben about the rules of horse cart racing, it seems to me that this as close as we'll get to eavesdropping on American nobility. Chilled chardonnay in the grassy field followed by a faithful re-enactment of Ben-Hur. I'll bet you've never even conceived of doing something that snooty and out of touch before. Why not fire up the plane and shuffle on down to South Beach for a mint julep by the pool after this? I might have to watch a re-run of Jake visiting Vienna's poor ass family to cleanse my palate. Yeesh.
This show seems to attract certain types of contestants, and one of those is the attractive sheltered girl who has had an inordinately small number of relationships equaled only by the inordinate pain and suffering apparently caused by that lone relationship. Mom seems to gleefully recount Lindzi's days as a shut-in who never ate candy or talked to boys, but is this woman running a boarding school or raising a daughter? Now look what you've done. She's going to wash out of this contest an even more bitter soul. Nice going.
Now, I may not be a fan of how that all went down with Lindzi, but it was a five star visit compared to most of these hometowns. At least there weren't any threats of embalming or tours of the basement taxidermy shop. It could have been worse. Well, it got worse with Kacie, but we probably all knew that. Kacie is fighting her own immaturity most of the time, but her family certainly didn't do her any favors, and maybe that's a good thing. I mean, who is to say that dear ol' dad should just take one for the ABC production team and say "sure, break my kid's heart for ratings." I'm shocked more parents don't give a little push back. I think we're jumping ahead because I think it was over before it ever got that far.
Now, I want to think that Kacie had nothing to do with this, but part of me isn't so sure. If you asked a random 15 year old girl what she would do to impress a boy at school, you'd probably get a response similar to what Kacie put on for Ben. I'd be interested to know if the tea party with her dollies was edited out forever or can be found on the director's cut.
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| Video analysis has allowed us to pinpoint the exact moment that Kacie lost. |
Now, before I completely eviscerate Kacie, I should say that I'm actually a fan of hers. The problem is that she had an emotional flat tire somewhere in high school and never found a way to grow up. TV is probably the last place that a person should confront their psychological foibles, but in this case I think it might be a good thing. Or maybe it's going to do irreparable damage to an already brittle psyche. The difference basically boils down to a role on Bachelor Pad 3.
For those of you who haven't moved around much, you may not truly appreciate the regional differences. One person's Bible Belt is another's Bourbon Belt. It's all in how you look at it, and your love of Jesus. Sonoma and Clarksville are about as similar as Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck, but even those guys share two N's in their name.
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| Surprisingly, not Glenn Beck. |
I'm sure a lot of viewers, and Kacie herself, will blame dad's skepticism and cold demeanor for her washout. Nah. The majorette was toast well before that meeting ever took place. Still, it's difficult to ignore just how squeamish Ben is during his visit. If you could construct a personal hell for a wine maker from Sonoma, it might be a dry county in Tennessee.
Kacie's dad was a tough sell, and good for him. The show is a sham and has never been about finding love. It's about finding inventive ways of publicly humililating and exploiting people. Why families are so willing to allow this has been a great mystery to me, but I, for one, think Mr. Bourgeoisie (or whatever) has it right. Screw these people, and this snooty mop top drunkard from Sonoma, or Liverpool, or wherever he's from.
If Ben thought Kacie's mom was going to be any easier of a nut to crack, he was disabused of that notion early. I did find it funny that she said she "watched the show a lot" and that her primary concern was co-habitation and not the myriad other ridiculous outcomes that invariably end in people losing part of their soul to the infinitely deep abyss that is this franchise. Maybe she needs to watch again. People living together isn't the source of their undoing. It's actually the only sane choice that keep them from making an even worse decision later on. Even though you know places like Clarksville exist, it's still funny to see people use "California" as a pejorative to collectively represent everything that is wrong with society. I'll give Ben credit for keeping a straight face during her rant about single-handedly preserving societal norms amid the forces of progressive evil. It's a just a bottle of wine, people. At least dad didn't wheel in a chalkboard detailing how Ben is secretly connected to San Francisco uber-liberal Nancy Pelosi, Van Jones, and ACORN. But then, Clarksville was home to Jimi Hendrix when he developed his ability to play guitar with his teeth, so it's not like they don't have blood on their hands.
It's kind of interesting how Ben chose women who hail from places to divergent from his own roots. Ft. Worth? Can you really see this guy blending in anywhere in Texas (OK, Austin... you got me). We kind of lost track of Nicki for a while there, but I have to say, she totally redeemed herself in this episode even though the producers did everything in their power to ruin any shot she had by saturation bombing Ben with the thickest, bloodiest slab of pure Texas they could muster.
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| Looks totally natural. |
Ben seemed like a good enough sport, but I'm sure he was counting the seconds to removing his cowboy boots in favor of some dope Airwalks.
Unlike Lindzi and Kacie, Nicki shows signs of being battle-tested, in a good way. Yes, we know all about her divorce which she seemingly won't stop talking about, but beyond that she carries herself like a woman who has experienced the highs and lows of life and is probably a lot more adaptable than any of the other women. "Divorce" doesn't really imply untold heaps of baggage. For as much as Nicki has "failed" in her one try at marriage, it's probably more practical experience than the kinds of imaginations that Lindzi and Kacie have concocted in their pretty little heads. Not to say that Ben is looking for actual marriage (in fact, one could easily argue he's not the least bit interested in it), but if he were, I can see a path here that might actually work, at least on paper. They do strike me as very different people with totally different goals. But that minor inconvenience aside, it could totally work, right?
The fatal flaw is that Nicki is completely in love with the idea of being in love, and Ben is just a proxy. She would like nothing more than to change her Facebook status to "married" without much regard of who that person is. We've seen Nicki sparingly throughout this series, especially compared to the other three, and yet she seems to be all-in on this bet for whatever reason. I guess the lesson here, fellas, is to be a vacant, inaccessible mouth-breather who is good at nodding and delivering generic platitudes. Women seem to eat that shit up.
I've been a Nicki fan from the early days, and my bias is obviously showing. She'd be my pick, y'all.
Lastly, and in the minds of many, very least, we have Courtney waiting for Ben in Scottsdale. Now, if you've done your assigned homework, you'll know that Ben is a music production graduate (we think) of the University of Arizona who obviously spent a good deal of time inebriated and wasting his parents' money before moving into the totally unrelated field of "internet advertising" (I'm thinking porn) and ultimately piggybacking on his friends' winemaking venture. Not a bad career arc. The rest of these hometown visits have been like traveling to Mars compared to Scottsdale.
I think there are two camps forming here, and since I don't know shit about Twilight, I can't reference it, but I do know that people either love Courtney for what she's bringing to the table (count me in), or they hate her (and generally don't understand what makes for good TV). I speak here to the unwashed who refused to give up on the idea that this show is about love and that Courtney is somehow undermining the emotion for all mankind.
It's time to wake up, people.
You may not be on board with her shtick, but you have to, at a minimum, respect the effort. Ben has earned this treatment. The guy is borderline comatose and is setting a new low-bar standard of reality TV personality (with the possible exception of fellow Ashley cast-off Ames "Bot" Brown). Why Ben deserves some genuine, amazing woman to fall madly in love with him as a matter of course is way beyond my comprehension, so I'm all for whatever Courtney is pulling. And really, I'm not entirely sure I know what that is anymore. Until now, I was under the impression that she was 90-95% emotion-free and running a clinic, but she is a woman, after all (sorry, ladies), and I'm seeing some cracks in the façade. There are moments that seem to be -- it pains me to say it -- genuine from her. My latest impression is that she is harboring a little baby crush on the guy, even though she's honed years of being a self-absorbed, entitled diva who blames everyone else for her minor misfortunes. People like Courtney have developed a visible patina that, at first glace, seems to make them emotionally impenetrable, but I think there's a pretty gooey middle inside this Tootsie Pop. Whether we see it is another matter entirely, and certainly Ben sure as hell doesn't have the skill to pull it off. Whatever happens, I hope Courtney doesn't careen into a wall on the final lap. We've all come too far to let this experiment fail now.
It's a shame we didn't get a better juxtaposition of Courtney's skinny dipping conversation set against Kacie's mom admonishing against the horrors of indoctrination through babysitting. It's like twin universes where all of the masses and charges of elementary particles are jumbled up. You certainly can't blame the guy for picking four similar women. They have nearly nothing in common with each other, although I could see Kacie's dad fancying that nifty sweater vest that Courtney's dad is sporting. Just wild speculation on my part.
It's interesting that every other hometown visit was akin to a foreign culture immersion program sponsored by Berlitz, but Courtney got the benefit of just chilling in 'Zona. Well, there was that bit about getting almost married, but I think that was actually less obnoxious than watching your potential mate twirl a baton, cart race, or ride a bull. If you're thinking this thing is starting to looked a bit rigged, I agree with you. The staff is pushing Courtney harder than a pregnant women dilated to 10 cm.
I will say that watching Kacie get the heave-ho was hard to watch, and I genuinely felt bad for her (might tweet her later, we'll see). She was probably the one that truly convinced herself that Ben was her guy. I'm not sure why she was so convinced of that, but I at least bought into the depth of her delusion. Daddy raised her right because that was one hell of a tirade she unleashed at the end. Her "this is why I don't love" seemed to ring a little hollow. It's difficult to believe that there are many attractive 24 year old women out there who have been spurned by reality show suitors. Besides, there's plenty of other shows out there, and even more if you widen your net to include Europe and Asia. They'd love Kacie in Japan.
Now that we're down to the final trio, we should start to think about potential Bachelorette candidates. Emily has things locked up next time, and I'm wondering if that effectively screws this crop out of a lead role down the line, but is Kacie an option? Nope. Maybe on 16 and Pregnant.
Next week's episode is Switzerland, which is great timing because I just got a free Swiss Army knife in the mail. No kidding. Talk about kismet.
I'll be sure to blog up the next installment soon. Give me another chance, baby. We can make this work.
Unlike Lindzi and Kacie, Nicki shows signs of being battle-tested, in a good way. Yes, we know all about her divorce which she seemingly won't stop talking about, but beyond that she carries herself like a woman who has experienced the highs and lows of life and is probably a lot more adaptable than any of the other women. "Divorce" doesn't really imply untold heaps of baggage. For as much as Nicki has "failed" in her one try at marriage, it's probably more practical experience than the kinds of imaginations that Lindzi and Kacie have concocted in their pretty little heads. Not to say that Ben is looking for actual marriage (in fact, one could easily argue he's not the least bit interested in it), but if he were, I can see a path here that might actually work, at least on paper. They do strike me as very different people with totally different goals. But that minor inconvenience aside, it could totally work, right?
The fatal flaw is that Nicki is completely in love with the idea of being in love, and Ben is just a proxy. She would like nothing more than to change her Facebook status to "married" without much regard of who that person is. We've seen Nicki sparingly throughout this series, especially compared to the other three, and yet she seems to be all-in on this bet for whatever reason. I guess the lesson here, fellas, is to be a vacant, inaccessible mouth-breather who is good at nodding and delivering generic platitudes. Women seem to eat that shit up.
I've been a Nicki fan from the early days, and my bias is obviously showing. She'd be my pick, y'all.
Lastly, and in the minds of many, very least, we have Courtney waiting for Ben in Scottsdale. Now, if you've done your assigned homework, you'll know that Ben is a music production graduate (we think) of the University of Arizona who obviously spent a good deal of time inebriated and wasting his parents' money before moving into the totally unrelated field of "internet advertising" (I'm thinking porn) and ultimately piggybacking on his friends' winemaking venture. Not a bad career arc. The rest of these hometown visits have been like traveling to Mars compared to Scottsdale.
I think there are two camps forming here, and since I don't know shit about Twilight, I can't reference it, but I do know that people either love Courtney for what she's bringing to the table (count me in), or they hate her (and generally don't understand what makes for good TV). I speak here to the unwashed who refused to give up on the idea that this show is about love and that Courtney is somehow undermining the emotion for all mankind.
It's time to wake up, people.
You may not be on board with her shtick, but you have to, at a minimum, respect the effort. Ben has earned this treatment. The guy is borderline comatose and is setting a new low-bar standard of reality TV personality (with the possible exception of fellow Ashley cast-off Ames "Bot" Brown). Why Ben deserves some genuine, amazing woman to fall madly in love with him as a matter of course is way beyond my comprehension, so I'm all for whatever Courtney is pulling. And really, I'm not entirely sure I know what that is anymore. Until now, I was under the impression that she was 90-95% emotion-free and running a clinic, but she is a woman, after all (sorry, ladies), and I'm seeing some cracks in the façade. There are moments that seem to be -- it pains me to say it -- genuine from her. My latest impression is that she is harboring a little baby crush on the guy, even though she's honed years of being a self-absorbed, entitled diva who blames everyone else for her minor misfortunes. People like Courtney have developed a visible patina that, at first glace, seems to make them emotionally impenetrable, but I think there's a pretty gooey middle inside this Tootsie Pop. Whether we see it is another matter entirely, and certainly Ben sure as hell doesn't have the skill to pull it off. Whatever happens, I hope Courtney doesn't careen into a wall on the final lap. We've all come too far to let this experiment fail now.
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| We're quickly trending toward Keeping Up with the Kardashians 2 |
It's a shame we didn't get a better juxtaposition of Courtney's skinny dipping conversation set against Kacie's mom admonishing against the horrors of indoctrination through babysitting. It's like twin universes where all of the masses and charges of elementary particles are jumbled up. You certainly can't blame the guy for picking four similar women. They have nearly nothing in common with each other, although I could see Kacie's dad fancying that nifty sweater vest that Courtney's dad is sporting. Just wild speculation on my part.
It's interesting that every other hometown visit was akin to a foreign culture immersion program sponsored by Berlitz, but Courtney got the benefit of just chilling in 'Zona. Well, there was that bit about getting almost married, but I think that was actually less obnoxious than watching your potential mate twirl a baton, cart race, or ride a bull. If you're thinking this thing is starting to looked a bit rigged, I agree with you. The staff is pushing Courtney harder than a pregnant women dilated to 10 cm.
I will say that watching Kacie get the heave-ho was hard to watch, and I genuinely felt bad for her (might tweet her later, we'll see). She was probably the one that truly convinced herself that Ben was her guy. I'm not sure why she was so convinced of that, but I at least bought into the depth of her delusion. Daddy raised her right because that was one hell of a tirade she unleashed at the end. Her "this is why I don't love" seemed to ring a little hollow. It's difficult to believe that there are many attractive 24 year old women out there who have been spurned by reality show suitors. Besides, there's plenty of other shows out there, and even more if you widen your net to include Europe and Asia. They'd love Kacie in Japan.
Now that we're down to the final trio, we should start to think about potential Bachelorette candidates. Emily has things locked up next time, and I'm wondering if that effectively screws this crop out of a lead role down the line, but is Kacie an option? Nope. Maybe on 16 and Pregnant.
Next week's episode is Switzerland, which is great timing because I just got a free Swiss Army knife in the mail. No kidding. Talk about kismet.
I'll be sure to blog up the next installment soon. Give me another chance, baby. We can make this work.
Oh yeah, you bl
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