Battle of the Bros

Before we begin, I'd like to dedicate a moment of silence for Eduard "Trololo" Khil, one of the finest voices of our time.

Goodnight, sweet prince.


Week 4 sees the Emily, Ricki, and the fellas finally traveling away from the friendly confines of "small town" Charlotte and moving to big time Bermuda (population: 64,268).  Most importantly, this is the week Doug becomes unglued, which is something I felt was just a matter of time.  There's something not quite right with Superdad.

Usually, guys are pretty amped to get a date with the only girl on the show, but Doug spends all of his time either worrying about getting clipped or taking jokes at his expense way too seriously.  He really did look like he was ready to fight a few times there, and I suppose that's enough for a good Hulk smash reference.  I laughed.

"Fuck you and your playful banter."

Doug is easily the most passive-aggressive dude on the show, and lordy he does not like being called out on it.  Can't a man be self-deprecating in peace?  GOD.

I think I said earlier that Chris looks like Brad.  Sorry.  Doug is pretty much Brad 2.0.  So much so that Emily compares the two for appearing to be "perfect."  Of course Doug doesn't really strike anyone as perfect, but this is weak code for saying "you're trying too hard" and "isn't there more to you than being a dad that gets criticized for hanging out with his son too much?"

I have to say that overall I've been impressed with Emily's ability to read guys, which was completely unexpected.  She's not stupid, however she might have a bit too much confidence in her deductive skills.  Smart people don't point to their heads to say, "check out all of the brainy goodness packed in here."  I'd say she's got a good read on Doug, though.  She knows that this guy polished up the patina before coming on the show.  Still, I think she's vulnerable to the idea that Doug may be some sort of robotic super husband-in-wait who is ready to swoop in to save her and Ricki from not having a big strong man in their lives.

Doug's biggest problem is probably overconfidence.  Not exactly Ryan-level overconfidence, but vulnerable to the idea that stuff he does in the house won't get back to Emily.  She's already heard about his penchant for drama, and he'd better hope that she doesn't learn about his tendency to refer to himself in the third person.  That would be such a Brad move.  I'm not exactly a big Doug fan, but that was unexpected.  Kids, it's never okay to do that.  It correlates 98% with being a douchebag.

Emily hates it when guys compete against each other, but since the show template calls for a group competition date, that's what you get.  Rather than have an MMA-style cage match this time (Ames nearly dying probably scared the lawyers), they opt for competitive yachting which is meant to expose the hoi polloi among us.  Now, I'm no expert on tactical sailing, but I did watch Dennis Conner in his prime against the Aussies so I think I'm more than qualified to weigh in here.  One thing I can say definitively is that you can't just draw a clear line from start to finish and expect to win.  There are a lot of factors involved, something which the red team didn't quite grasp.  Especially looking stupid were Chris, Sean, and Travis for high-stepping at the halfway mark.  I suspect that Charlie would have joined in, but he still seems to be suffering effects from his fall.  In fact, he may not be aware that he's on a TV show.

It's not your fault, chief.

A hearty "well done" to Arie and Ryan for pulling things together in that win.  Jef did his part acting as human ballast.  I don't think Kalon was even on the boat.  I thought he was going to be the big pot-stirrer this season?  Can we get some consistency here?

The future America's Cup champs get their evening with Emily, which mostly serves as a gateway to embarrassment.  Arie's been playing things just about perfectly to this point, but I think he looked a whole lot overeager here.  He also seemed to drain himself of testosterone with that mom sweater, gentle caresses, and baby talk.  Charlie was embarrassed?  No, that's embarrassing.  Arie needs to throttle way back on the schmoopie and soul-devouring kisses.  Calm down, man, there are like 120 laps to go.

Jef continues to be the most curious aspect of this show, and I mean that in almost a clinical sense.  At first I thought he might be gay, but at least they could talk about conditioner or Glee.  Now I'm thinking he might be a eunuch.  As much as I don't get Emily's fascination with him (hell, no one does), I'm fascinated by her fascination with him and I'm not ready to say goodbye just yet.  I don't think this indifferent shtick can last a whole lot longer, though.  Well, I should correct that a bit.  Jef pulled the equivalent of pouring his heart out to Emily by having her kiss his owie he somehow suffered while not doing anything on the boat.

Momma make baby feel all better.

That move should be good for another three weeks.

I haven't settled on whether Ryan thinks he's leading the pack or if he can sense some trouble, but regardless, he's a constant source of unintentional comedy.  This week, the Presbyterian College alum sprinkles in a bit of religious behest with his attempt to turn the tables on Emily.  She has a great responsibility to do something good with this role as the Bachelorette, after all, and Ryan has decided to make sure she delivers.  Or something along those lines.  I wasn't really paying full attention during that part.

"For everyone to whom much is given, of him shall much be required." -- Luke 12:48

 "Thou shalt keep thy butt in the gym."  -- Ryan 4:13

I'm sure Ryan thinks this is all a very good idea to put some heat on Emily and start butchering scripture, he's quickly earning a fast pass to Earlyexitville.  Ryan should understand that his best asset is to mess with the other guys, not mess with the lead.  This kind of idiocy works with someone like Ashley who always played the role of "just happy to be here," but Emily isn't going to put up with this kind of holier than thou crap.  At least make it clever crap.

Not sure why there has to be a rose given out on these group dates.  It was more of a war of attrition out there.  Kalon was basically invisible, so no go there.  Arie acted like a dog that hadn't seen his owner in two weeks, so I think she had to reel that in a bit.  Ryan completely stepped in it, so that really only left Jef as the lone man standing.  Can't you just feel the excitement?

Emily decides the all-important group date rose recipient while Jef picks some dirt off his Chuck Taylors.

After getting the rose, Jef utters perhaps one of the best lines in Bachelor franchise history:

 "It feels like something we share together is really important to her."

I'm not sure I can properly characterize the awesomeness of that line.  It's so marvelously indifferent and patronizing.  Of course he followed that with something about "falling for" Emily or somesuch (while fighting back laughter), but it's lines like that make you wonder just how the guy made it on the show or what his endgame is.  I gotta say it.. I have absolutely no idea what is going on here.

I can't help but think that this is some type of weird performance art.

Now that I have an expanding readership, I think my suggestions may actually be making it to top network brass.  Here's one:  ditch the godawful two-on-one dates.   With rare exception, they always feature non-factors and are never the least bit interesting.  Even that segment where Ali left Kasey and his fresh tattoo on a glacier wasn't very good TV.  I think the idea of two guys fighting for the Bachelorette's affections looks good on paper, but by now the two-on-one has such a dire reputation that all it does is sap the life out of everyone involved.  Need we more evidence than Wolfman, Captain Quinoa, and their endless series of toasts?  A new low water mark and maybe the worst 20 minutes of TV in 2012.  Leave this act in the cave, please.

Returning to guys that actually have a shot in this, Chris confronts Doug in a rare moment of grown-ass man to grown-ass man candor.  You rarely if ever see this between guys, and you sure as hell never see it between women, so this was kind of a novelty.  I'll go ahead and pick sides here.  Chris is exactly right that Doug is overly judgmental, especially about "maturity" and people being fit to be a father.  If Chris only knew just how much he was milking that angle to the cameras and to Emily, his head would probably explode.  Conversely, Chris is making too much of this, and in the end he'd be better served just staying above the fray and letting this one go.  It's not like Emily is going to consult Doug on whether he thinks Chris should be Ricki's new dad. Still, it was entertaining to see someone call "Mr. Perfect" out for what he is.  Doug's response was feigned bewilderment, most likely because he's not used to someone just laying it out there.  He also displayed some classic projection with "look at the way you're getting upset right now, man."  Great stuff, Doug.

Chris also pointed out that he thinks Doug is a phony, and given that Emily kind of reached the same conclusion, that one had to sting a little bit.  I wonder if we'll find out what Doug's deal really is.  I'm hoping there's some kind of Scooby-Doo reveal at the end where we find out Doug is really Mr. Withers who hates meddling 25 year olds.

It was during this mini-kerfuffle that I was reminded to make the following observation/assertion:  the male version of the insipid "I know, right?" (an Emily standard) is "come at me, bro."  We need to quash these phrases like the linguistic roaches they are.

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the Harrison-Maynard pre-elimination fireside chat.  Lots of good nuggets in there.  My theory is that these conversations are nearly always pretty frank, but that they edit them down to the weak tea that we usually get so that there's no good info about the potential finalist in there.  In the era of spoilers (namely Reality Steve, but increasingly others like Wet Paint), I think ABC has decided to roll with the understanding that probably about 30-50% of the viewership has already spoiled the season by reading online sources.   Why they can't plug that leak, I'm still not certain, but it's been an ongoing issue for years now and this might be one sign of them adapting to this new reality.

The loss of Michael reverberated at about 0.4 on the Richter scale and was felt as far away as the bathroom of the guys' hotel suite.  I'm still not convinced that he was a real person as we've come a long way with CGI.  I was a bit more surprised by Charlie leaving, although I don't think he had much potential to stay around long term.  Charlie seemed to be in a permanent fog and never really woke up.  He also had a strange crying fit on the van back from the regatta.  If you cry at odd times, you're as good as gone.  Just ask "Nate" who strangely sobbed about his perfect brother.  So weird.

I'm a little curious about the guy that self-destructs and calls Ricki "baggage."  I assume it's Kalon, but don't really want to risk learning the outcome yet.  Somehow I've managed to avoid spoilers, although when you Google certain names, it's increasingly difficult to filter out the insider info.  I think that's kind of a shame.  It's actually much more interesting to watch this show without the script.

It's time to redo the rankings, and in preparation for this, I read Ali's horrendous Week 4 blog where she confidently states that Arie is getting too much positive TV time and that must mean that he's being built up by the producers as a head fake and to be the next Bachelor.  An astute commenter (so rare, these) rightly pointed out that Roberto basically went wire-to-wire on her season and never really had a bad day, so what the hell is she talking about.  While I think what Ali is saying is possible, it would require one of the other guys to win, and I just don't see that happening.


New numbers:

1. Arie - Still a lap up, but is a little heavy on the throttle.  Needs to conserve some fuel.  Just starting to notice the Baby Fish Mouth tendencies.
2. Sean - Probably the guy Emily most wants to bed.  This guy is still a complete unknown for the most part.  He could be cool, but he could also be a serial killer.  We really have no idea.  We did learn that he played football for Kansas State.  I'm thinking serial killer might be more likely.
3. Doug - We have more info on him at this point than Emily does, so I think he's faring a bit better with her than the public.  I think the fall could be sudden and spectacular.
4. Chris - Starting to let Doug get in his head about being a guy who isn't ready for kids.  Needs to chill out a bit.  However, I do have a hard time believing that Emily would pick a guy younger than her.  Nothing he can do about it.
5. Jef - I refuse to believe there is anything there.  In every conceivable way acts like Emily's kid brother.  I also don't see how this helps water sales.
6. Ryan - Lost any shot he had last week.  I love the self-delusion, though.
7. Travis - Blends in with the furniture.  Lost me with his strange version of "Kokomo" where "Bermuda" is uttered over and over.
8. Alejandro - A miraculous story of survival.
9. Kalon - I think he self-destructs next week in a fiery blaze.  Conspicuously absent this week.
10. Wolfman - "Thirty seconds. We went like this, he went like that. I said to Hollywood, 'Where'd he go?' Hollywood says, 'Where'd who go?'"