[giddy!]
Get your passports..
[OMG!]
We’re going to a country in Asia..
[!!!!!!]
With a total land area of just over 100,000 square kilometers..
[???]
Good for 109th of all countries in the world..
[?]
And the home of Gangnam Style..
[Japan? Wait.. China?]
Seoul..
[Japan?]
South Korea!
[OMG! Japan’s little cousin!]
Our first excursion outside the U.S.! Are we doing the Asian circuit again so quickly? I feel like it was just yesterday when Ames Brown regaled us with stories of his ultra marathons, many of which were, in fact, hosted in SE Asia. I don’t think “we’ve” been to South Korea before, but it’s about damn time. There are few places that can simulate New York City so perfectly, but with double the population density. I hope you all packed soap.
Aside from openly mocking Korean culture, this episode was all about framing up Nikki as the "bad girl." Yes, the one that is "different" around the girls than Juan. The obligatory girl that isn't there for the right reasons. I’ll say up front that I’m not buying this, especially when they are going so desperately out of their way to telegraph their intentions. “Hey, America. Nikki is mean! You should hate her!” Sorry, I won’t. Did they have pull this crap with Courtney? No. Courtney let her handiwork speak for itself. They’re pressing their luck by pushing off Nikki as some kind of super villain. I get that she is a little grumpy about being a girl and such, but that doesn’t make her a bad person. At least not yet. And honestly, if you're going to focus hate, I'll offer up Clare as a suitable alternative.
My grandparents would cringe, but Korea is probably currently best known for Gangnam Style and while I’m quite positive Next Entertainment "reached out" to Psy (who is basically the nastiest media slut in modern times), even he has his limits. In his place, they found “The Spice Girls of Korea” 21! Check that, 2NE1. "21" was already taken, and lord knows we can only have one band named 21.
In case you were worried, pre-assembled corporate girl groups are not an annoying feature exclusive to the US and UK. It’s truly a worldwide phenomenon. In Asia, it’s a really big deal. Take Japan’s AKB48, for example. They’ve sold over 25 million albums and have 89 members. 89! On the flip side is Hatsune Miku who is merely a solo act, but has the distinction of being a hologram. I guess Gorillaz isn’t real either, but at least I feel like I know who Damon Albarn is.
Since we’re in foreign musical territory, let’s talk YouTube views. 2NE1’s video “I Am the Best” has over
I wasn’t really blown away with the dance moves, but I was pretty impressed with lead vocalist Park Bom’s command of English. My god, it’s like she grew up on the East Coast. Funny enough, actually she went to high school in Maine (of all places) and graduated from the Berklee College of Music in Boston. That's so Korean of her.
Unfortunately, NBA Dancer/Medical Sales Rep Kat decides this dancing gig is her big break and tries desperately to upstage everyone with her “look at me” head jerks and wild flailing. I’d be shocked if some people watching in that mall didn’t call to help that poor girl having a seizure on stage. In case you’re wondering if the mental condition of thinking you’re really good at something only to actually suck at it has a name, it does: the Dunning-Kruger effect. It nicely explains the horror of many an American Idol contestant thinking they’re amazing singers, and perhaps explains why people like James Canupp post videos of themselves butchering church tunes. (Trust me, you want to hear this.)
This isn’t much different than Juan Pablo thinking he can walk on with the L.A. Galaxy, I suppose.
And while Kat and Juan are totally feeling the vibe of Korean pop, Nikki is throwing a mini tantrum and letting everyone know that she does NOT dance, even though she probably can just fine. Maybe a good case of anti-Dunning-Kruger.
I really want to believe that this is Korea’s answer to One Direction, but I have to think the latter could pull a better crowd at some random five story mall, and certainly if some enterprising producers were actively recruiting people to show up. Tiffany used to do a lot of mall work in her day and basically set the standard for mall-based performances back in 1987. Korea seems to be a good 25+ years behind the curve here.
Probably the best part of the entire sequence was this:
 |
| Fore: Chelsie slapping her shapely bottom to the rhythm. Aft: Nikki wearing a stupid hat. |
I’m sure fans in the mall watching this mess probably didn’t even notice the Juan Pablo harem on stage, but can you image the reverse: a bunch of Koreans dancing on stage with Justin Bieber for no earthly reason? It would probably trigger Homeland Security. Mostly because Beiber is a dirty Canadian felon who needs to be deported immediately. We can't have rich kids heaving eggs at their neighbors.
All of the excitement of mall concerts wound down later with a trip to some kind of garden sanctuary. No one is quite sure what it was, but there wasn't really anything to do. Juan just took the ladies aside one by one for private chats. That's not really much of a date. At least there wasn't any pretense here. Awkward? Oh my, yes. Kat, for starters, wanted Juan to know that she's not just the "fun" girl, no matter what her dance moves might have said earlier. I mean, she moved to Arizona for work, for god sake. If that doesn't scream stable, mature woman, not much can. But there's even more. Kat's dad had 7 DUIs, followed by some lemon-making out of lemonade or somesuch. It's all a little murky, to be honest, but she's definitely not the crazy guacamole peddler that Nikki makes her out to be.
Don’t worry, Juan is keeping his eyes open. As open as his beady little eyes will allow. He's not going to let some crazy blonde girl touting her world class diaper changing skills to dupe him. No sir.
No such worries with Cassandra, who sounds vaguely like a head injury victim.
Sharleen gets yet another one on one date, which makes her "happy."
 |
| Sharleen can barely contain her excitement of yet another date |
It's more than just caution, she can't really stand this guy. One has two degrees in music performance, and the other would get a degree in soccer if they offered one. One is going to have her tubes tied just to make sure she can't procreate, and the other is going to have a half dozen kids. One is pretty bland, and the other is "not bland." Which is a good thing. Like I've said before, an all-expenses paid vacation is a great motivator.
The rest of the girls get some "Krazy in Korea" time. This is the part of the show where we point out how strange and weird Korea is, at least in a PG rated non-Old Boy re-inactment sort of way. Karaoke at a converted brothel was a nice start. Surprised that didn't get edited out completely. But wait. Swan paddle boats? “Dr. Fish Zone” for a fish pedicure? This truly is the dumbest date yet. At least we get to see Clare recoil in horror over semi-exotic food. It's all the same with a little kimchi (Korean for "sweaty sock flavor").
Much of this show has revolved around Renee and her inability to kiss Juan, but my god she wants to. She's even licked her lips and everything getting ready for the big moment (that will likely never come).
 |
| Any second now... |
Renee is so desperate that she basically asked Juan to kiss her. "What would Camila think if she saw me kiss you." Not wanting to kiss her, he asked her the same of her son. Oh, he's good, this one. I don't know why he claims he needs to be all chaste for his daughter when he's been mauling more than a few women already. "I've kissed six girls already." Is there some kind of quota? Looks like Renee isn't hot enough to earn some kissing time. Sorry, Renee.
More than a few “friend zoners” on this date. Lauren, for one. "Are you going to kiss him?" "Probably not." Well, she tried anyway, and this was the dramatic result:
 |
| Vacation (and free booze) nearly over. |
Lauren claims they’ve had “great conversations.” What conversations?
Even the girls that have connections seem to be clinging to sanity.
 |
| "This is how a velociraptor eats its prey." |
But of course Andi plays it cool and gets the rose. Why? Because she's not some amateur. She's also this blogger's top seed and Bachelorette hopeful. Suck it, Clare.
I like the little Nikki-Clare rivalry. Clare is going to crash and burn at some point, but Nikki is ensuring that it happens as soon as possible. Which is fine with me because Clare is wearing out her welcome. While it's truly amazing how she pushed herself out of her little comfort zone in Sacramento to tour the world on ABC's dime, there's little more we need to see. The real question is just the level of batshit.
As is typical, a long, drawn out ceremony to get rid of Danielle and Lauren. Whoa, check that, Danielle sticks around as a chaperone/baggage handler for their Vietnam trip. Elise, who seemed especially pissed off for a first grade teacher, is gone. I could never keep her and Nikki straight anyways. “Who knows what’s in store now.” Literally anything could happen.
Eleven left, and probably six too many. Let's check our Bachelor Big Board:
11. Danielle - Astounding to see her still around. Should have been a night one casualty.
10. Cassandra - Has found the coveted Cloak of Invisibility.
9. Renee - This is getting a little sad.
8. Kelly - Bonus points for making fun of Clare and an being kind of an unofficial field host.
7. Kat - Her efforts to be more than the girl with the big tits didn't really pan out.
6. Clare - Intense therapy may improve her chances. She's not bad to look at, she's terrible to listen to.
5. Alli - Juan couldn't really care less. I'm starting to come around to this.
4. Sharleen - It's not often you get someone with genuine disdain for the guy.
3. Nikki - I like her verve. She's Courtney light.
2. Chelsie - She definitely needs some seasoning, but I'm thinking long term here.
1. Andi - *sigh*
Gone but not forgotten: Amy L., Lacy, Victoria, Lucy
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