Sex and the South China Sea

"We were on a recon in a steaming Mekong delta.  An overheated private removed his flak jacket, revealing a t-shirt with an iron-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!"  Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it.  But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us.  I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice.  I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right."


Act I:  If Renee doesn't get a kiss soon, she's going to dry hump herself raw

I'll start by saying:  I don't really "get" Renee, and I really don't get why Juan seems intent on teasing this poor girl by taking her on all of these one-on-one dates.  Sure, they're both 32 and single parents, but she's a frumpy Realtor® from Sarasota, and there are real live attractive women he could be spending his time with.  Renee would barely merit mention on a "Hottest Women of ERA Realty" calendar.  Fellow single mom and veneer goddess Emily Maynard sure as hell didn't have any interest in anyone else's kids, and neither does Juan.  Hopefully this charade ends soon, because as much as I'm not interested in Renee as a contestant, I'm equally uninterested in seeing someone with her trusting nature and fragile disposition get crushed on national TV.  You can tell it's going to get ugly too.

After a date highlighted by two flowers, a custom form fitting dress, and lots of intimate alone time, Juan comes to the conclusion that kissing Renee would raise too many difficult questions in the mind or her 8 year old son Ben, so he definitely will NOT be kissing her tonight.  I'm fairly certain she's going to kill this man in his sleep.

It seems as though Juan gets paid to mess with Renee's head.  There's little else that makes sense about this.


Act II:  Clare needs to stop getting kisses because she's a crazy-eyed psycho

Renee probably doesn't give two shits anymore, but she probably didn't realize just how much of an also-ran she was on the show until watching Juan do this about five minutes into the group date:

"I can't.  I'm a dad.  Okay, fine."

I think this was the point where the women started to turn on our soccer enthusiast.  There comes a moment in every Bachelor's season when he has decide whether to say "fuck it, I do what I want" or not.  It's got to be terribly enabling to the base male ego to have scads of women vying for your attention.  Several weeks into this process, a man in such a position of power almost can't help but feel that he's entitled to these vast riches and is beyond reproach.  True masters of the craft, however, can deftly navigate this minefield and sense the danger before them.  It's only Week 5.  You're just growing into the role.  You think you have it all figured out, but what if Vienna is a nut job?  What if Courtney just wants to gain exposure to enrich her modeling career?  What if Clare is generally kind of a bad idea?  Give yourself some options, man.

The ladies were starting to talk mutiny.  The interminably cute "science educator" Chelsie lamented her romantic morning spent with the usually mute but highly photogenic Alli.  Lonely power lawyer Andi was letting the litigious gears turn in her head about how she could "sue everybody" over her lack of one-on-one time.  I'm telling you, this whole thing can turn on a dime, and before you know it, you're left with that kinky-haired whatshername as your only option.

Raiden smoothing things over with Mileena.

Juan kind of picks up on his lower approval ratings by nightfall, but still decides that it's a pretty great idea to spurn the rest of the women for some special pool time with Clare, who still draws a favorable resemblance to Kristen Bell, but with about an eighth of the charm.  I admit that this Clare fetish is a little puzzling from my view four months late and over 8,000 miles away, and there's very little that will help me understand.  Clingy, overeager, vapid.. you know, the good stuff.  I'm sure I have it all wrong, though.

He hasn't totally lost control of his throng.  Even the hyper-skeptical Andi, who seems to be out for blood at times and voices her "control" issues like they are a mantra, can be coaxed off the ledge with some choice baby talk and beach cuddles.  It's got to be exhausting bitching about Juan being a dog one minute and then faux-protesting to the camera the next over your embarrassing make-out session that isn't fit for mom back home.  And surely a few of the most worked up among them have to be in a continual state of disappointment over this one rose for a bunch of women dynamic they have going.  It's almost like this is some kind of dating show and they're just doing this to get people upset for effect.

But wait, we're still not done with Clare.  This is quite an extraordinary run for someone who was on a group date with a bunch of other girls.  I know that these days run long, but if we are to believe the commentary (and I usually do), Clare shows up at Juan's door around 4 a.m. for a proposed dip in the warm South China Sea.  A little pushy, a little ballsy, but also a little shrewd.  What better way to score some some intimate contact than to book a date in camera unfriendly waters a good 100 feet off shore?  Do I know that they didn't play "just the tip" out there?  I do not.  In Clare's words:

"We just went for it.  And I don't regret it.  Pure bliss.  In every way."

No one would have to clarify that they don't regret swimming in the ocean, right?


Act III:  Nikki goes straight to hell

Fresh off the beach sex and with a solid three hours of sleep, Juan sets off on a solo date with Nikki, who, I must say, is doing an incredible rendition of Courtney Robertson.  She even has the glib lines down.  On the prospects of rappelling into an infinite abyss:

"Oh good, I can't see the bottom.  That's always good.  Should someone call my mom and tell her I love her?"

"I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants."

Actually, there's a good possibility poop is involved in any of those scenarios.  Of course they "randomly" send the girl into the physical challenge they are least mentally or physically equipped to handle.  Nikki has several close brushes will a full-blown anxiety attack, but fortunately Juan is there to restore her sanity with some dangling besitos.  All I can think is that Renee has to be so pissed right now.

There must've been something special in that bottomless cave, because folks, we have our first official "falling for" utterance of the season.  Not even a bottomless Clare went that far.  Sprinkle in a little chatter about taking care of sick kids, and it's very possible we have a new leader in the clubhouse.

"When we get engaged, you're gonna stop touching my ears, right?"

It was nice to see Renee finally get that kiss, which was the perfect contrast to Juan nearly impregnating Clare the previous night.  "It was so worth the wait!"  Make sure to tell yourself that when you're packing up to leave.

As much as I don't like Clare, and I really don't like Clare, huge power douche move using his daughter as an excuse for regretting his deep sea mutual masturbation session.  I figure he's probably realizing that Clare isn't much more than a fun time and is already looking for a way out, and bonus points if he can put the blame on her.  Luckily for Juan, Clare is very reasonable and measured in her reactions, so this should quickly find an amicable resolution with little residual damage.

"Hey.  Just delete it."

Aside from Juan claiming he was raped by Clare, there wasn't much need to go off script.  Danielle, Kelly, and Alli were just happy to have made it this far.  I thought it was especially charitable of the producers to splice in some Danielle commentary about rose ceremony "jitters."  Better late than never.  Andi, on the other hand, looked like she was going to vomit:

"I'm in control.. I'm in control.."

At least we're now (almost) down to the actual competitors.  Okay, so Cassandra has no chance, but I could make at least a partial argument for the other seven.

Big Board™:

8.  Cassandra - God, I'm so bored.
7.  Kat - Lovely rack.  Just lovely.  I'm drawing a blank otherwise.
6.  Renee - I think I hear Ben calling.
5.  Clare - I didn't think I could feel sorry for her, but I actually feel sorry for her.
4.  Sharleen - Getting by on being "different."  Impressive run for such disdain.
3.  Nikki - Seems like she could probably kill a man if necessary.
2.  Chelsie - Threatening the top spot merely by staying out of trouble.
1.  Andi - Doesn't seem like she can take much more of this lack of control.

This is, of course, my personal preference.  Who do I like to win?  If I had to bet the farm, it would be Nikki, but I'm not convinced he likes any of them enough to actually propose.  Might be another Womackian oh-fer.