Clare is still puzzling over her regretted finger banging episode in the South China Sea. Juan has been quite the gentleman by airing his grievances publicly and questioning Clare's commitment to the innocence of children everywhere. Has this woman no shame? How will little Camila react when she sees daddy taking a four a.m. dip in the ocean far from camera view only to flip out and wish the whole thing never happened?
While Clare tries to sort through that manufactured mess (which quite honestly, still confuses me), Cassandra, who hasn't seen any steady camera time in about five episodes laments her "boyfriend" dating other women while she sits at home pining away for her son. That's just no way to treat a woman, Juan. If only someone could have prevented this kind of situation somehow. Confiding in fellow single mom Renee seems like the natural reaction, not to mention that Renee acts and looks a lot more like Cassandra's mom than her peer. If Renee had a heart, she'd adopt Cassandra.
Andi is the big winner of the first date and irons her best plaid shirt for the occasion. Lookin' sharp, Andi. Clare seems really mad about this. Probably the date, not so much the plaid. This would have been the perfect time for some make up sex. Looks like these two are officially having their first big fight. Not that Clare is bitter or anything. She's audibly gnashing her teeth through that fake smile. She's so happy for Andi, after all.
Juan's big plan is some river speedboat runs and maybe some wading through a cramped chasm affectionately named "The Squeeze." The locals told him this was a typical date in New Zealand, so who is he to argue. That boat was really moving.
Hair tangled, after a quick dip in a waterfall and a trip to hair and makeup, these two like-birds settled in for an exotic meal next to a geyser. And when I say next to, I really mean on top of. Couldn't have set up that picnic any worse. Sure enough, another Bachelor meal completely ruined by mother nature. I don't think a couple has actually eaten a meal on this show in a good 4-5 years. It's always something. A good 80% of their calories come from alcohol anyway. Even sans geyser, this dinner was probably doomed. There was a lot of confusion over the concept of edible lamb chops. You'd think it was octopus.
Failed meals aside, Andi is quite the catch, but Juan doesn't really seem to know what he's doing with her. Likewise, she seems to be merely tolerating his attempts to impress her, or at least pretending he's some other guy that she might actually want to date. This has been a problem with Sharleen as well. Usually this kind of hookup would be in a bar somewhere at 3 a.m. and everyone would silently part ways the next morning acknowledging that it was a bad idea for everyone involved. Instead we get weeks of this awkwardness.
Andi: "I can't wait to have a family." [big introspective grin]
Juan: "You will." [moves away]
Juan needs bite size meals like Nikki and Clare. He's not ready for seven course presentations and prix fixe. You figure these ladies will just politely excuse themselves at some point and never come back. Not a prediction, but it wouldn't surprise me.
Back at the resort, 21 year-old Cassandra, who is younger that some of my t-shirts, is predictably making a big deal about her birthday, much as would be expected from someone who just recently was bestowed the gift of legal drinking. It really would be the "best gift ever" for Cassandra to get that coveted one-on-one. The only sticking point is that he's not the least bit interested in forming a mini Brady Bunch with the former NBA dancer. Juan is interested in a date with stupid Clare, though. I'm sorry (well, no I'm not), but Clare is the kind of person that mentally exhausts you after a 10 minute conversation. She's either continually smiling or continually pretending to smile. There's this sustained faux energy level that just smacks of insincerity. She doesn't look 32, but there's a lot of miles on those tires.
But first, OGO-ing in Rotorua. What is OGO? I'm glad you asked:
In 1994, Andrew Akers and Dwane van der Sluis invented a big inflatable ball that people could jump inside and roll around in. Initially they thought they could use the ball for walking on water [ed: like Jesus] but they soon found they could have more fun rolling down hills in it.
There are many fine OGO options, but these crazy kids decided on the 40 liters of water option just to mix things up, and unfortunately to ruin any carefully crafted makeup jobs. Not that they need it.
 |
| Oh dear. |
Nikki will never look better than she does on this show, and yet I feel like I'm seeing something that would almost certainly scare me if I wasn't properly prepared for it (and I wasn't). You know, maybe Cassandra isn't that bad after all.
Probably not the birthday Cassandra was hoping for thus far, but maybe her fortunes would change in Hobbiton ("Discover the real Middle-earth" -- the part that isn't lazy CGI). We've barely gotten any emotion other than soul-draining ennui out of Sharleen, but by god, take this woman to Hobbiton and it's like Emily Maynard discovering Dollywood. Sure, no Peter Jackson (he of $6 billion worldwide gross revenues), but plenty of small furniture and cool mugs. Fortunately, the miruvor (brewed from the honey of the undying flowers in the gardens of Yavanna) is still 100 proof.
It is in Hobbiton that Renee learns that she's one of Juan's "special ones." We're not sure what that means exactly, but to this point it's meant taking a back seat to virtually everyone left on the show. According to Renee, emotionally this is where she expects to be roughly 8 full months into a relationship. There's managing expectations, and then there's this.
Similarly, Cassandra seems to be living in an alternate reality. She's just trucking along in life: freshly 22, a kid, and now just needs a husband to wrap it all up in a bow. Turns out that Juan is a guy, so maybe he could be the dad she needs. For her son. And wouldn't it just be the best birthday present ever if she got that rose?
Juan confidently announces "I think I'm gonna have a happy ending here" which doubtlessly produced some stifled chuckles, but no one was laughing when Tolkien enthusiast and fluent Elvish speaker Sharleen got the rose. Second place was a set of steak knives. Third place was getting kicked off the show. It was a valiant attempt to make this dismissal seem emotional and setting it to somber music, but it had all of the heartache of an ATM transaction. Later, Cassie.
All of this work and we still haven't resolved this Clare thing. Well, I have. Beat it, sister. Juan hasn't, however. He's still wrestling with the paradox of this hot little body paired with a brain that doesn't quite execute logical thought. The irony of this particular situation is that Clare is right. (God I hate typing that.) If she wasn't so desperate to win this competition she'd rightfully say "what the fuck, dude?!?" I don't claim to know what happened in the ocean that night, but for it to elicit that kind of regret on his part, it must have been something truly special. They say nothing good happens after midnight. Well, doubly so 100 feet off shore.
So here's the big kiss-and-make-up moment, and Juan's already using every move he has in his arsenal. Lots of baby talk and hair touching. So, basically he has two signature moves (maybe three: the "me no english" lost in translation card), and Clare doesn't seem to be taking the bait.
Okay, so she took the bait. Recap:
Juan: "You wanted it, so I didn't want to disappoint you."
Clare: "So, what's the line?"
Juan: "I never do anything in front of Camila. Not hold hands, nothing."
Clare: "Your daughter isn't here. They edit stuff out, dummy."
Juan: "Now you know."
Clare: "You make any excellent point. Just don't make me sad."
Even watching this from the relative safety of my couch, the hairs on my neck stood up.
Rest of the date consisted of defining the verb "bolt," changing into some MC Hammer pants, and (naturally) not eating the food. Easily the best night of Clare's life.
By the evening, it seems pretty obvious that Nikki is the clear cut favorite. She's giving him the green light and then some, and all of it without looking too insane (which seems to be a skill of late). Again, no idea what happens from here on out, but there really isn't much mystery left to this. He's already had a "fight" was Clare. Nikki is basically telling Juan she's ovulating. Sharleen looks like she's ready to vomit. Andi is in love with some image of a guy she'd like to be in love with one day. Renee is a good buddy and listener. Kat is about to be killed off three shows too late. Chelsie is making no impact whatsoever. What more is there? See, this would be the perfect time for a plot twist. Bring in five more women, all latinas, with the show conducted entirely in Spanish with subtitles. Nikki's had it much too easy. She hasn't had to use Courtney's full arsenal on these pushovers.
The only real question was who to eliminate first: Kat or Chelsie? My thoughts on this are well-known. Maybe I have an unhealthy
 |
| Am I the only fan of this girl? Hello? |
Chelsie's big appeal this week is that she wasn't Kat. Mounting what was left of a defense, Kat confided to Juan that she had been journaling her experiences. This conversation then morphed into some standard night one boilerplate about her drunk dad and accompanying sentimental music. A little late for the schmaltz. Nikki is picking out flatware and registering at Pottery Barn.
To the surprise of no one anywhere, Kat leaves. To the surprise of most everywhere, Juan acts like it was some kind of painful blow. Yes, we all remember Kat in a bikini, but I think we're strong enough to move on.
Let's see what's left:
6. Clare - Yeah, no thanks.
5. Renee - A good pal and I hope a great Realtor®.
4. Sharleen - I fear what happens in Week 7 with no Hobbiton.
3. Nikki - As long as she stays dry, I'm a little bit on board.
2. Andi - These control issues are catching up to her.
1. Chelsie - I'm ready for a commitment.
Let's be honest: this crew is kind of a mess. Two of these ladies are probably going to leave on their own. He only really has much of a connection with Clare and Nikki, and they absolutely hate each other in a way that is far beyond healthy.
Good luck with this.
No comments:
Post a Comment