We can't sugar coat it any longer, folks. This season sucks. I don't know what else to say here. As bad as Ashley has been, she's absolutely worse in this episode, and the guys aren't helping any. It's so bad they had to call in Bentley for back up. Actually, his ghost was the most exciting part of the two hours. To be fair, there were a few commercials I liked as well.
From this point on, I'm treating this show as the enemy. I'm not going to convince you to watch it because it doesn't deserve your time. In fact, I urge you to boycott it. I'll soldier on because it's my job, but that doesn't mean we all have to be victimized by it. I have faith that we'll see a very epic Bachelor to make up for it. God I hope so. We've earned it, and we're not even halfway through this dreck.
For some reason The Bachelorette Mad Libs formula seems more played out and stale than usual:
[Bachelorette] takes a trip to [exotic country] with [number] guys to [activity]. [Semi-normal guy] hates [weirdo guy] and confronts him for being [personality trait]. [Weirdo] can't believe it. [Quiet guy] gets kicked off and says he's crushed after he put himself out there. [Lunatic] still has [Bachelorette]'s heart and returns to rock the boat in an unforgettable Bachelorette that everyone will be talking about. Chris Harrison "changes the rules" in a rose ceremony so that [number] guys stay and [number] leave.
Okay, Phuket. Let's go to Thailand. Say goodbye to this mansion.. until next season. I hope they rent that place out. Or have someone to flush the toilets every few weeks.
Now that I see Ashley clinging to the memory of stupid Bentley, I'm actively rooting for her demise. I sincerely hope she fails at life. Am I the only one? I hope not, because this is the only correct feminist stance one can take. Someone this dumb shouldn't be allowed on TV representing the XX chromosome set. Adrienne Rich would tell you the same thing. I almost want to believe she's going along with the producers here considering how completely idiotic her instincts are, but I think we all know better. Ashley's a bit of a dim bulb. I don't care what Ivy League dental school she attended and quit. You have to wonder what happened in her past to be this out of touch. Anyone rooting against Bentley should be shouted down publicly. In fact, here is the official culpability breakdown:
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| I'm holding Ariel accountable. Flounder is okay by me. Not sure about Sebastian. |
- Ashley: 57%
- Production Staff: 24%
- Chris Harrison: 11%
- Disney: 7%
- Bentley: 1%
I wanted to throw Ames or Ryan in there for sport, but couldn't really find room. The girl deserves the most grief, and obviously the staff has to share a good portion of the blame. Harrison was complicit in this little charade, so he has to get some bad press no matter how much he and Ashley text each other now (true story) as good buddies after the fact. Disney checks in for being the parent media company and putting out crappy princess movies that inspire women everywhere to be completely unrealistic about love. That only leaves 1% for the flannel assassin, and only because I rounded up. If you want to quibble about a few percent here and there, I'm okay with that, but Ashley is the majority shareholder no matter how you slice this pie.
Maybe you'd think that going to some exotic location would suddenly cure the ills that plague this show. Well, you'd be so wrong about that. I knew we were in trouble when one of my least favorite memes showed up on steroids. Yes, now we have the principal shown booking dates with the Renaissance hotel concierge. I nearly spit out my drink. As if they'd leave the fate of the show up to Rainbow Brite here to decide how to spend the day. It's not like it mattered since the pros' idea was rough sea'd out anyway. I liked the classy touch of royalty-free sound effects. The thunder was especially convincing. Better stay mainland lest the Scylla and Charybdis get us.
Earlier in this series I sort of stuck up for Constantine thinking he had some invisible charm he was going to unleash on the world. Boy was I wrong. I guess I was lured in by the pink dental floss routine (who wouldn't be?). I think the first sign of trouble was when he suggested that they go Hawaiian shirt shopping in Thailand. Every season you have the two crazy Americans making a mockery of foreign culture, and they couldn't have picked a more suitable couple up to the challenge. Yes, let's ask the smiling old guy about the secret to love via this convenient translator who happens to be walking by. There won't be a more contrived scene on TV this decade. I hope you all drank it in.
As all you history buffs will recall, Constantine the Great was a Roman emperor who led notable military victories against the Franks, Alamanni, Visigoths, and Sarmatians and championed religious tolerance throughout his vast empire. These accomplishments are offered in direct contrast to Constantine Tzortzis' success on his date with Ashley the Small. I never would have thought I'd see a guy other than Ryan babble this much, but Constantine proved to be the Greek God of Drivel. Ashley was really feeling it, and you could tell with that three foot no-fly zone she dutifully maintained the entire date. It's not a good sign if the word "friend" is ever uttered during a first date... or really any date. The guy tried his best to explain how perfect it was that they were so stunningly boring, but the futures for Constantine stock stopped trading about 10 minutes into this thing. I have to hand it to the producers for juxtaposing that mess with the guys talking about what a stud Constantine is. This batch of dudes seem really intent on seeing each other score with Ashley.
That was a pretty hot date, especially if you were 12. Somehow, Ames finds a way to make his date even more awkward and intimate. I'm kind of surprised by Ashley's willingness to hand out roses on these awful dates. I can't imagine what positive she took from her time with Constantine other than a wet piggyback ride in the ocean.
I suppose we need to suspend the cynicism for a moment in deference to the heart string tugging at the humanitarian group date. Good thing they saved it for this episode because it needed it. You can't hate on a charity for kids left parentless by the 2004 tsunami. I like this trend they've started. They did give too much credit to Ashley for planning it (to which she contributed zero), but who really cares. Good for them. They could remove the tokenism by doing a few of these things here and there. It would give guys like Ben F. more chances to paint crude ill-proportioned elephants. This particular event allowed less fortunate Thai children feel better about themselves at the expense of emasculated American men.
Despite all of this warm and fuzzy, there seems to be an obvious segregation among the gents. Here is how I see it breaking down:
Cool kids: J.P., Blake, Mickey, Ben F.
Tweeners: Nick, Constantine, West
Misfit toys: Ryan, Ben C., Lucas, Ames, William
As much as it pains me to say it, the male dentist seems almost normal in this group. Maybe it's because we haven't seen as much of him yet, or maybe it's because he had a one-man sit down intervention with Ryan discussing the difference between happiness and mania, but he seems to have at least one foot firmly planted on the ground. I very much enjoyed Ben F.'s invention of the "Ryan Meter." I think that must've been pegged most of the evening. It's always fascinating to me to see such a stunning lack of self-awareness. Blake's talk with Ryan was worth paraphrasing here:
Blake: "Ryan, I don't know how to put this, but... you're a freak."
Ryan: "Really? No, really?"
Blake: "It happened."
That's got to be a bitter pill at age 31. Most spazzes get some honest feedback in their formative years. The solar CEO was probably homeschooled. At least he had a good defense. Again, paraphrasing here:
The USO could really use a morale booster like Ryan touring the military circuit. Maybe he and Will could form a two man act where they swallow their feet whole on stage."I'm so happy to be in Phuket. Sorry if that's a problem and I'm not feeling sad. I'm happy because soldiers are dying from mortar fire and are miserable."
Amid the implosions, J.P. sneaks in there for some one-on-one time and makes it look easy. Well, not Bentley easy, but pretty easy. I have no idea what J.P. sees in her, but whatever it is, they're on the same wavelength. No doubt he wins this, at least in my mind. Well, unless there's a last second booking to Utah for an impromptu Mormon marriage. She even digs the shaved noggin and the flyweight build. It's your party.
Everything about this Ames guy elicits emotions from me ranging from stupefied to irate. From a critic's point of view, should I ever go that route [wink], there's a lot of low-hanging fruit here. While I'm a fan of the Oompa Loompa comparisons (and snozzberries in general), for whatever reason the image of his teeth are etched in my mind:
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| Ames, 30, Banker |
A kayaking date that accentuates the natural beauty of the region is the perfect distraction from having to get to know one another. It's not that the other person is a giant bore, it's that Phuket is so captivating, you forget to talk to your date. At least until dinner where there's nothing to save you from the awkward pauses other than sipping water and nursing that salad. What do you know.. Ames went to a Thai cooking school just around the corner. He's also run five marathons (one ultra) since the show started filming. You keep hearing how successful he is, and that appears to be accurate, but this insistence that he's funny is just blowing my mind, even hours later. Funny? Let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little messed up maybe, but he's funny how, I mean funny like a clown, he amuses you?
What's not amusing is Ames' terrible shirt, now in navy. I just don't trust a guy wearing a shirt with shoulder buttons. Having two versions of that shirt, given a limited wardrobe, is puzzling to say the least. It's not plaid, but it's in the ballpark.
Ashley claims that Ames' weak performance saved him from elimination which raises the question of what it takes to be dismissed from this show. Being a lying ass gets you a self-dismissal and a future cameo of your choosing. We also learned that Ashley went all rogue and added a rose to this week's ceremony leaving one guy to hit the bricks. Add a rose? THAT'S NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE! You're a crazy woman. I guess she just couldn't bear to part with all of the great talent out there. Personally, I don't think she's even aware that Lucas is still hanging around.
Ames is told that "nerdy is a good thing," and I think he even believed it. The way she made him anguish over that rose was a thing of beauty. Then she pulls the whole "Ames, yay!" when she finally hands it over, much like a mother says to a baby feeding himself for the first time. I thought we already had the charity portion of the show. Even Oompa Loompas had more self-respect.
With only one guy eliminated, there's not much drama to an already boring show. West goes, and since he was hardly shown the entire episode, no one is surprised. The most low-key guy gets cut leaving Ben F. as the catatonic king of the hill. West reminded me of Ryan from Trista's season. The guy barely had a pulse. Ashley needs a little life, and that's why I figure Ben F. will probably make the finale and lose to J.P. Maybe I should see if that's not how it's predicted to play out, but I'm too lazy at the moment. That's just how it feels to me.
As much as I bagged on Bentley, I'm practically begging for something interesting to happen after this snooze-fest. I just hope that Ashley attempts to mount him in his hotel room and is carted off for sexual assault. Barring that, I feel like this season is on life support with a "do not resuscitate" order.
It was a run.
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