Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.

Through passion, I gain strength.

Through strength, I gain power.

Through power, I gain victory.

Through victory, my chains are broken.

The Force shall free me.

                                          ― Sith Code

I got that from Wookieepedia, so it's legit.

It seemed fitting since the most hated man in the universe was featured tonight, and as Chris Harrison warned us, "there won't be one viewer that won't have a very strong opinion about what unfolds."  Now that I've seen the footage and had some time to mull this over, I have to say:  I don't really have a strong opinion about Bentley.

Actually, I'm a little clueless about what happened there.  Here's the timeline as I understand it:

• Bentley is cast on the show
• Bentley tells his apparent ex-wife he plans to promote his "family fun center" on the show
• The "ex-wife" tells friend, home wrecker, tanning professional, and former contestant Michelle Money about Bentley's plans
• Ashley gets cast as the Bachelorette*
• Ashley gets a text or two from Michelle about Bentley's plans to bail and not be "right reasony"
• Ashley "No Regrets" Hebert ignores the warnings and somehow falls madly in love with Bentley by show number 3
• Bentley leaves, dot dot dot

The only part I'm a little unclear about is when Ashley was cast.  I think what I have above is correct, but I'm not positive.  It seems likely that ABC cast the guys without even knowing who was going to be the Bachelorette.  Heck, drunk Tim the liquor distributor was a retread of casting calls from Ali's season (that would have been interesting).  Choosing the contestants seems to be a completely independent of who the lead is. You can't argue with that strategy. The show's sterling track record of love speaks for itself.

Since Bentley wouldn't shut up about Emily, it also seems plausible that the producers convinced him that Emily was or had a very good chance of being the Bachelorette.  That would explain some things.  Once he learned it was Ashley, maybe he wanted to bail on it and was talked into hanging around.  Who the hell knows.  Regardless, Ashley wasn't what he had in mind.  Well, I should back up a second.  He'd be cool with it if he picked her up and she happened to straddle him.  Maybe wrap her little dancer legs around him.  Then he could probably see some interesting things happening.

Bentley, 28, plaid enthusiast

The whole evolution into this dark overlord of evil seems to be a hastily thrown together scheme that they probably hatched knowing that Bentley wasn't super stoked about dating the dentist.  I'm sure there were discussions about whether he'd want to stay, and if he did, what kind of role he'd have that would be interesting plot-wise and lead to him leaving.  At that point, you might as well call him an actor.  I think we all have a level of cynicism about reality TV, but I do think most of the guys on there take the show at face value and look at it as a competition to find love.  In the case of people like Justin Rego, Michelle Money, and Bentley, they're full blown actors, and we all know it.  At least I hope we all do.  It surely explains why Harrison had a hard on over Bentley during the limo introductions.  He knew what was up.

So yeah, should we be outraged over this?  I'm having a hard time conjuring up the effort.  Bentley played a part written in the script.  Good for you, dude.  Happens every day.  Seeing Ashley's reaction is about the only thing that's worth noting about this, and we'll get into that, but getting all worked up over this performance gives the guy way too much credit.  He's not a jedi... yet.

There was more to this show, so maybe I should rewind.

Ben C. went on and on about wanting to dance with Ashley last episode, and sure enough, that's what he gets to do.  Anyone else tired of "flash mobs?"  I say if there's a company that specializes in them (Flash Mob America), the concept might have run its course.  FMA might want to move to a different web hosting service as it's currently getting crushed under the weight of tens of people wanting to learn more.  Oprah was actually moved to tears over one of these.  That was back when they seemed spontaneous and fresh.  And apparently emotional.

This version of Ben is kind of a bore, and Ashley gave him a "nice guy" rose.  I'm not sure if it's the Quagmire chin or his over-the-top declarations of what love means to him:

When I fall in love, I REALLY want to fall in love.  Let's shave our heads, move to a commune, have 15 children, and study Kabbalah!  Whaddya say?  You in?

After Ben's mini freakout about spending his life with another human, Ashley gave him the boilerplate "you're kind of a hopeless romantic" which translates verbatim to "you're fucking psychotic."  We saw a lot of this with Ali.  She was pretty good with the brush-off platitudes.  However, unlike Ali, Ashley didn't dislike Ben enough to give him the red light on some kissing action.  The way he's latched on to her reminds me of something from Aliens.  Godspeed.

I really hope the producers feel like idiots over this mask debacle.  The creepy organ shtick was okay, but it's not worth drawing it out over several episodes.  The upshot of the reveal was basically "wow.. you're old."  I don't mind some of the gimmicks, but that one was a dud that couldn't die fast enough.

You'd have thought there could only be one bout of crying in an episode, but you would be wrong about that.  I think we're starting to learn about the depths of Ashley's insecurities.  Apparently she was Maine's Junior Miss 2002 and carries a 3.96 GPA at Penn, but none of these things seem to correlate with confidence in herself.   Perfect time for a roast, I say.

There have been some slow moments in this show, but maybe none slower than several minutes showing guys writing in notepads.  This might cost them the Emmy this year.

I can't get over how completely strange Ames is.  It's probably the mouth breathing permagrin, but he's not doing himself any favors with that Member's Only shirt.  Turns out, he tooks pics with it in his official ABC bio.  In fact, that picture is how he looks all the time on this show.  Well, except the time he wandered into the mansion showing the camera his fake ballet tickets.

So, if you had to guess what would make Ashley sob like a baby at the roast, what would you have guessed?  Itty bitty titty jokes?  Pointy chin?  Fake eyelashes?  Weird eating habits?  Being from Maine?  Dropping out of dental school?  All good guesses, but no.  Rather, her inability to measure up to Emily and Chantal was the correct answer.  I love how resolute William was to make this roast a full-blown, all-out Jeff Ross roasts Pam Anderson style roast (the dig on Courtney Love is a must-see).  C'mon, people, is this a roast or a funeral?  Is this thing on?  Give it up for the last shred of Ashley's self-confidence! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!

Keep in mind that William aspires to be a comedian.  Think about that.

I have to say, Bentley knows exactly how Ashley ticks.  Well, not in a good way, more in a creepy psychological thriller way.  After that comedic implosion, he makes his move.  It was a little hard to watch, to be honest.  As much as Bentley is an actor, Ashley isn't.  That roast business messed her up.  It shouldn't have, but it did.  Then she goes from being decimated on stage to having Bentley tee her up for a 300 yard drive down the fairway.  "Insecure? You? Oh stop it. STOP IT.  I can honestly say that of 25 guys here, 24 are really excited it was you. The other guy wants to destroy your will to live. Oh, and William probably hates you too. I forgot about him. 23 guys are definitely lining up to date the 2nd runner up from Brad's season. Trust me, babe."

I'm not sure I like the pity party that's shaping up.  We're careening toward Bachelorette Season 7: Ashley in Therapy.  And you have William taking this a little too hard, frankly.  He's actually competing with Ashley for the title of most dejected.  In the first installment of this blog, I predicted William was the new guarder and protector of hearts, and that seems to be coming true in a strange new permutation.  The guy should definitely get a wrist tattoo.  Or hurl himself in front of a bus.  Something to get her attention.

The big build up was toward this bombshell that Bentley is leaving.  It's fascinating to see a guy put in so little effort to absolutely wreck this girl.  She's just eating out of his hand.  There is quite a nice dichotomy of nonchalance and and devastation.  I think this speaks less to Bentley's amazing Svengali-like charms and more to Ashley's willingness to latch on to the first thing that looks comfortable and safe.  I think what makes this scene a little hard to watch is how Bentley is telling her exactly what she wants to hear right up to the very end. He's probably not thinking much about it, nor do I think he is looking to ruin her.  It's good drama, and it's being encouraged by the production staff, so what do you expect?  If someone really feels the need to express outrage over this, the focus of ire should be with the producers and ABC.  Ashley bears a large fraction of responsibility as well.  "No regrets" doesn't mean put your hand in a buzz saw.

Bentley seems to be giving himself a decent pat on the back, but I'm still trying to figure out what this thing is "that's never been done before."  Huh?  Professional reality show contestant Justin "Rated-R" Rego forced his way into Ali's season and had a pretty good run.  Bentley is leaving just as things are getting interesting.  Why not try to win this bad boy?  If he shows up on Bachelor Pad 2, you might have your answer.  I still don't get how this promotes the family fun center... at least in any kind of light that is good for business. 

I have a suggestion:  bring in Brad as a replacement.  I believe he's available.

Purple satiny sheets, pint-size girl.. it's like we're watching the deconstruction of a teen losing her first boyfriend.  The only thing missing is a poster of Justin Bieber.  Ashley's setting back the women's movement a bit here.  She has no command of her emotions and no radar for BS.  At this point I just hope she makes it through this thing.  Let's see what Obi-Wan has to say:

I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.

The old man always was kind of a downer.  I'm not sure what commercials they air where you are, but there was an ad for the antidepressant Abilify® after meltdown number two. Subtle.

Even at the brink of severe depression, there's schedule to keep, so why not bring in J.P.?  At first this seemed like a terrible setup for the guy, but really it couldn't be any better.  Bentley breaks her heart in record time, and J.P. moves in to console her.  Not bad work, kid.  You can tell Ashley likes him with the "why are you single?" line.  Really, this is further evidence of her insecurity as if she can't believe that certain people would take an interest in her.  She's like a bag of goo at this point.  I suppose you can cut her some slack in the wake of Alderaan being blown up Bentley leaving the show, but she seems to have this perpetual mindset of self-doubt.  It was clearly on display during The Bachelor, and it's what sank her chances with Brad.

Donning the glasses was clearly a protective metaphor.  She couldn't have been more standoffish with that move, and the guy even brought his best jammies too.  Eventually, J.P. wore her down, but not without a little resistance.  This date did nothing to dissuade me from thinking J.P. wins this thing in the end.  Shorn head be dammed, he's doing everything right so far.

"J.P. over Bentley in the kiss department." YEAH, SUCK IT, BENTLEY!  I'M IN CONTROL.

Well, maybe not because she's still weeping softly about the lumberjack.  Harrison finally has a moment of value and rubs some salt in the wound asking "WTF!?!"  Good for you, man.  She deserves it.  Only she's still not quite sure if Michelle was right about Bentley.  "No regrets" is on life support here.  This must be brutal for her to watch in hindsight.  If I were Ashley, I'd want this show scrubbed from existence.

The worst part is, she actually has to invite Bentley back at some point to get closure.  They've already overplayed their hand with this guy, why even bother?  I guess "dot dot dot" was enough to keep her up at night over the possibility of them moving to Salt Lake City and having babies together.  William could probably pull one of these:

and she wouldn't blink, but Bentley verbalizes an ellipsis and she can't function for weeks.  Remind me why she was chosen for this again?  I miss my Channy.