You wanted the best, you got the best! Bentley is back, baby! Get ready for explosions! Implosions! All kinds of 'plosions! Dot dot dots! Vaguely formed syllables! Plaid!
And the biggest thud in recorded human history.
Yeah, it turns out that Bentley is an even bigger bore steamed and seasoned with MSG than he is in L.A. Let's just cut to the chase: she goes to his room, gives him a peck, shows a minimum amount of backbone, and leaves. Was that worth the $10,000 travel stipend and two weeks of promotion it took to get him back on the show? I'm sure I'm not alone in being a little let down by that performance.
All of Ashley's realizations about Bentley are correct, but only after weeks of reflection and hindsight. It's like taking an exam with the answer key and feeling satisfied you learned something. If it took her this long to figure a guy out, god help her in the future. I'm still not sure I understand the character of Bentley. He's like a member of the Dharma Initiative on LOST: you have no idea what motivates this guy. If he's just there to mess with Ashley, then mess with her. He never should have left, I think. The guy was running his victory lap before he even made it to the finish line. If you want to be the epic Bachelorette villain to end all villains, then do it right. Don't leave after a few episodes and come back like a retired has-been. Get your licks in when you're in your prime. This Hong Kong version of Bentley is pathetic. I don't want $5 Target t-shirts on clearance. I want Cobain-era flannel and extreme mind-fucking. Let's do this the way god intended.
How Bentley parlays this into anything lucrative or useful is beyond me. From what I can tell, he upset every mother hen that is a potential client of his family fun center, and he didn't last long enough on this show for there to be much institutional memory. For all of his preening and scheming, this is the end result? We didn't even get a good exit interview. No Bachelor Pad 2 appearance. Nothing. Where is our closure?
Somehow, we must soldier forward. And it took all of about five minutes.
Ashley's Asian tour continues, and while I won't critique the scenery (which has been visually splendid), Asia really does seem like the perfect continent for our vertically-challenged bachelorette. Even wearing heels 24/7 (does this woman own flats?), she is just barely blending in with the general public. The lucky recipient of the first one-on-one time is burgeoning oil (equipment) tycoon Lucas Daniels. This date seems to be set in Hong Kong's "New York Town" in a twist of cultural symmetry. Here, the wide-eyed street vendors sell hot dogs and copies of the Times while muttering about the rent being too damn high. Lucas, who has been somewhat invisible until recently, reveals to the surprise of absolutely no one that he's never been to New York, which is appropriate considering they are over 8,000 miles away. It's hard to believe that a Texan would be bereft of cultural exposure. It really is.
While Lucas seems like a nice enough fella, we have yet another date with zero sexual tension. Well, maybe you could find a slight ping if you measured it on a logarithmic scale. On this season of the Bachelorette, this absolutely ensures that you get a rose so that you can hang around another week. Following the script, Ashley kisses him at the assigned moment, and Lucas reciprocates by looking at her awkwardly and asking if he can do the same, as if this is an act that one can engage in solo. I can't think of a season with more uncomfortable romantic moments than this one, and best of all, there's more of these to be had.
As this forced conversation proceeds, we learn that Lucas still very much hung up on his ex-wife. I mean, honestly, is it that hard to see in his face? He's going to march right back to Galveston, or Amarillo, or Beaumont, or wherever the hell he's from and pine away for her once he's sent packing. I don't really see having an ex-wife as being some huge personal flaw, but that seems to be the way they are framing this issue. Everyone seems to have some baggage they are toting around with them. We'll come to realize that Lucas' biggest issue is that his time is valuable and that Ashley is apparently wasting it in some way.
For the competition phase of this episode of the
The only thing I liked about the dragon boat race was the red kimono shtick Team Mop Top was running. These two decided they were too boring to recruit a capable team, so they just went for the comedy. The idea gets a 7, but the execution was about a 5. Putting two dullards together like that was a brave choice that I'm sure resulted in some TVs changing channels. Let's have fewer of these competitions, please.
In another "what are the odds?" moment, a lovely Chinese couple is getting engaged on the beach. Huh.. so that's what it looks like. Ashley wonders aloud: "who's next?" as if to insinuate that a couple of the guys might be headed in that direction. I figure that's at least as likely to happen as someone is to propose to Ashley herself, especially after the captivating evening she has planned.
In a stunning development Ames unveils another of those stupid shirts with the shoulder straps. The man is nothing if not predictable. What we couldn't have expected, though, was his attempted assault on Ashley in the elevator, all 48 floors to the top. Okay, it was still really forced and strange, but the guy went for it. Charges are still pending upon his return to China. Not cool, Ames.
Ben must've been waiting on the top floor too because now he's there smooching with Ashley. Nice canary yellow sweater. It looks like he just returned from spirited croquet tournament. When in Hong Kong, dress as the well-heeled British do. It reminds them of their oppressed colonial past. You can't get a 99 year lease on anything these days.
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| Fancy a scone, m'lady? |
Ben unleashes his mini "bombshell" that he "wasn't really ready" when he first arrived on the show. This is about as wild and crazy as Ben gets, folks, so buckle up and enjoy the roller coaster ride while you can.
I'm no fan of Ryan either, but Blake seems to be really upset by him being there. I don't think he understands how this show works. You want losers to hang around down the stretch. This seems to be an obvious weakness with Blake, and it manifests itself in strange ways later during the Bentley discussion. However, if Ryan is rose-worthy, then why does Ashley keep presenting him with her cheek? Might this be a ploy for inducing drama since she and the producers know that Ryan is universally hated? Nah, couldn't be that. It's sad what passes for interesting moments on this show. Any other season and these tidbits don't even merit mention, yet about the only thing we have left is Ryan driving people crazy with his indefatigable effervescence.
A date with the presumed winner J.P. makes sense since she absolutely likes him the most of any of these guys. Think about it: you have 25 potential mates in a competition for your affections.. you're probably going to latch on to one or maybe two during the show. It's hardly going to be some dilemma where everyone gets equal attention or has an equal shot. Ashley has liked J.P. the most from about episode 2 onward. The rest is just bad jokes, masks, permagrins, and flannel. If we attempt to take this show seriously for a second (bear with me), it's at least noteworthy how totally smitten J.P. is with her. She hasn't been emotionally available and hasn't done much of anything to justify this kind of attention from him, yet you can tell he's fully invested in her.
Ashley: "What was the last thing that made you cry?"
J.P.: "My ex."
This next part didn't happen... but should have:
J.P.: "How about you?"
Ashley: "Bentley."
J.P.: "Oh, what the fuck!?"
J.P. is lying if he says it doesn't matter to him. Of course it does. Look man, I'm a fan and all, but let's get real here. It speaks to her character. It speaks to her emotional immaturity. He really needs to do some pushing back. It's not boding well that he's just taking this and obsessing about her without her doing anything to deserve it. You need some hand in this relationship.
I absolutely love that Ashley thinks things will go over just as well with the other guys about the Bentley mistake as it went with J.P. It's such sixth grade mentality. Honey, not everyone thinks your shit doesn't stink. Maybe Ryan is good with it. The other guys, not so much. It's so weird for her to say "I'm so excited to get it all off my chest. It's gonna be great." You're excited about this? It's going to be great? Such a weird thing to say about admitting you're a moron. Get this woman a dictionary before Inigo Montoya shows up.
The big reveal to the group goes over about as well as a mandatory furlough announcement at a union meeting. "I completely fell for him." Cue the crickets. Send in the tumbleweed.
We haven't had enough of Ashley "falling for" people, something which Brad mastered last season, but this was probably not the time to be spouting off about it. What made her think this was a "great" idea? Maybe she miscalculated her appeal with these guys, some of whom have now become adversarial. Let's take stock of the aftermath:
ROYALLY PISSED: Lucas (who apparently views this as a business transaction gone south)
Pretty Pissed: Blake and Mickey
Irked: Constantine
Switzerland: Ben
All Good in the Hood: J.P. and Ryan
Who the Hell Knows: Ames
Some good comedy results with J.P. calling her admission of meeting Bentley to the guys "selfless." Admirable, but no. You can admit that this wasn't her best moment, J.P. Even goddesses like Ashley have missteps up there in heaven. Not to be outdone for obsequious sycophant of the evening, Ryan rushes in to perform damage control. "I'm not like the other guys. You can walk all over me." He would have saved face by saying something along those lines. What he actually did was even more embarrassing. The guy is just way too eager. Keep your eyes out for this one, ladies. He'll be back on the market shortly if you're looking for a quality doormat.
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| "I'm getting a rose. Suck it, Blake." |
I've been watching this show with Jackie Gordon's running commentary, and for the most part she's been spot-on, but she does have a bit of a blind spot when it comes to Ames. She commented about how he sees the "sunny side" to everything, including this Bentley debacle. In case you haven't heard (and you probably haven't since you have a life), Ames and Jackie are a purported item following their appearance on Bachelor Pad 2. Yeah, I can't see it either. I had more hope for you, Jackie. I was one of your biggest fans. I nearly added you on Twitter. I guess I'll have to move you down my big board now. Sad day.
I have to admit that the guys' reaction to Ashley's meetup with The B threw me. I knew it wouldn't go "great," but some of these hissy fits were a little over the top. We already knew Blake was ornery about Ryan getting a rose, but this Bentley thing was just too much for this dentist to take. He won't even let her sit down during their conversation. And then he makes her cry. You can take your hug offer and shove it, you heartless bastard.
Not to be outdone, Mickey takes some kind of moral (?) stand over this issue. Rather than just wait it out during the rose ceremony, he takes himself out. One guy asking to leave is a coincidence. A few guys wanting to leave voluntarily is a pattern. We have ourselves a full-blown coup in Hong Kong. It sure seems like some of these guys are taking this whole journey a little too seriously. What's interesting is that her insecurity is forcing dudes to jump ship, which was probably her worst fear going into the show. If you want to define irony for someone and don't know how to do it, just point to this episode and tell them it's the exact opposite of what's going on here.
Prior to the rose ceremony we get this little nugget:
"I'm going to have a really hard time tonight, and it's only going to get worse."
Lucky guys.
Harrison finds that he has to do some work tonight, which is unusual as he typically sleepwalks through his lines. Have we seen a bachelorette sob like this before? Is there anyone on national TV quicker with full-on waterworks? His analysis is absolutely correct though: you're telling these guys you feel in love with Bentley, and everyone is battling for second place. There's going to be some fallout there. That's why he gets the big dollars.
Everyone has a good laugh when we realize that Lucas has a rose, but probably doesn't want it anymore. All of this is a massive waste of time. There's oil to be drilled, baby.
Ashley boots Blake ending all hope of an all-dental final. His obsession with Ryan was starting to bother me anyway.
Next up... Taiwan! Hello? Anyone?
No chance you are married. No chance.
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