Dancer in the Dark

I'm really kicking myself for diving head-first into this cesspool.  I feel cheated, you know?  Last season I had Channy's boobs and Emily's hyperglycemic personality to keep me entertained.  Now what do I have?  Nothing, that's what.  I can't even cheer for pink-clad Ames getting knocked loopy during a muay thai sparring session.  And that's weird because I should want that.  Something just seems all wrong about this season, and something tells me it's only going to get worse as they attempt to squeeze every last drop of manufactured drama out of this Bentley thing.  If that's their big trump card, they might as well shut it down now and move to Bachelor Pad 2.  I'd rather watch Jake fawn over sunken eyed Vienna again on a loop than subject myself to what I witnessed in episode 5 of this turd.

Say, did you know that Chaing Mai is the perfect place to fall in love?  In addition to Ashley asserting this, Ames also informs us that, of the 45 cities he's been to in Thailand, Chaing Mai is number one to fall in love in.  You can also tell this is the perfect spot for love by the fact that no one is falling in love here.  We've heard that [arbitrary city] is the perfect place to fall in love many times before, but at no time did I question this claim until now.  Maybe they had it wrong and Cambodia was the real perfect place to fall in love.  Or maybe it was Laos.  With all of the available perfection out there, especially in Asia, it's odd that they found a perfect place that seemed to be so imperfect at inspiring even a strong like out of anyone.

I don't want to harp on Ashley's appearance over and over here, but it's a little difficult not to say something about all of the hair extensions, fake eyelashes, and over the top makeup.  I'm also convinced that, in half of her shots, her butt is clearly showing.  It's as if the producers want to you realize they are pulling out all of the stops to make this woman appear more attractive.  I've never heard more forced comments about how "hot" she looks.  She's cute, but I think you could round up a large percentage of men that would strain to rate her above a 6.  If the producers thought she could carry this off with her effervescent personality and charm, they were sorely mistaken.  Super perky Ashley has turned into an emotional mess.  It's a price we pay every episode with a little bit of our soul.  

The week we get treated to the dreaded two on one date, and you know what that means, right?  On a show with an edge, it might mean something overtly sexual, but instead it means that someone is going to get a tattoo and be left to fend for himself on a glacier.   I'm almost giddy thinking about it.  I really hope it's entrepreneur and philanthropist Kasey since he invented the role.  To this day, no one guards and protects hearts like he does.  Sadly, we'll have to wait until August and the start of Bachelor Pad 2.  This William guy isn't cutting it as an understudy.

There's disturbing trend developing on this show where the guys genuinely seem to like each other.  No, I mean really like each other.  Remember Weatherman versus Craig the blowout hair guy?  We basically have nothing like that here.  It's as if these guys are all adding each other as contacts on LinkedIn instead of fighting with each other.  I blame Ames for this.  You can't really help but like the guy and maybe even feel bad for him.  There's no fire in that belly.  No vengeful streak.  No rivalry.  Just a bunch of backslapping, gladhanding, and god knows what else.  Even hand to hand combat turns into a touching moment worthy of an after school special.  Makes me want to vomit.  Instead of spreading out the drama and investing it wisely, they decided to pack it all into this one guy Bentley.  Dumb.  Now you've got to fly his flanneled ass back to China in the hopes that he can do some real damage in the 11th hour.

Despite pining away for Bentley, Ashley summons up the energy to go on some actual dates.  Ben the winemaker once again showcases his borderline catatonic approach to winning over a woman.  Bless her heart, Ashley took her ritalin before the date to seem genuinely interested.  Turns out Ben lost his dad nearly five years ago, which brings the total number of dead relatives on this show to about 32.  It's bad enough we have to deal with this weak lead, but do all of the contestants have to display massive emotional issues that cause them to clam up as well?  At least that creepy West guy is gone, but Ben is doing his best imitation here.

Similar to last week, we get this whimsical "let's go shopping in a local marketplace" date which never results in anything particularly interesting.  I remember Ali buying a bunch of stuff with Frank last year, which made you wonder how this was all shipped back home.  Of course Ashley does her best to claim this was all her idea because she needs to determine how they'll be in "real life" when they're jetsetting across the globe shopping in exotic markets. 

We were promised a kiss between these two, but apparently local religious observation prevents them from following through without being reported and beaten to a bloody pulp in a primitive Thai prison.   Rather than consummate this fledgling relationship with a peck, the couple decides to ideate one.  You cool with that, FCC?  I dunno, that was kind of hot.  Look, if I want to imagine sexual frustration, I'll read Jane Austen.  What's worse is watching these two try to convince each other, and the camera, that they'd be all over each other if it weren't for that pesky temple behind them.

And this is, from everything that I can calculate, a date with the eventual runner up.  We're saved by commercials: "If you'd like this be this boring on national television, go to bachelor.abc.com and click 'apply.'"

Oh look, the Kia Driven by Desire sales event.  You can get a Soul for $159/month.  Some of you should jump on that.

And we're back.  Ashley wants to know about how Ben got to be a fancy wine maker, and yet the way the response was edited, nothing Ben said answered this question.  It was kind of like, "well, we learned to make wine and then I started making merlot."  Sure man.  Most days, Ben can be found in the fields picking grapes right off the vine, which, when you think about it, is a lot like dentistry in that you get paid to do something.  Ashley is all excited about this wine making thing and asks if she can be a day laborer.  "Of course!"

It's pretty clear by this point that Ashley is starting to see a life with Ben F.  An everyday, mundane, boring, banal, tiresome life.  Don't get me wrong, I think Ben is a decent guy, but he's about as exciting as a can of diet Sprite.

Huh, Rookie Blue is still on. 

Anyway, from the rotating archive of Bachelorette group dates, we once again see the battle royal theme, but this time thai-style.  During Ali's season, I believe the men engaged in hot oil wrestling, so at least we've made some slight progress in gaying it down a tad.  Nonetheless, there one set of pink trunks and gloves, and perennial Lady Bing Trophy contender Ames makes no effort to wear any other set than the most frou-frou available.  We already know that Ryan is the token gay guy, but Ames is so nice that he often treads in that ambiguous space.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Like you, I did some handicapping of fight night and figured Nick would have a substantial advantage.  The guy's a personal trainer and has a pretty big reach advantage over most of the others.  I also figured Constantine and Mickey would be pretty solid in the ring.  Of course this was before I heard about Lucas and his extensive street fighting history.  Once I knew Lucas was such a bad-ass brawler I was like, shit, this guy will eat these amateurs for lunch.  You know what Lucas was doing while Ames was studying for the SAT?  Street fighting.  Which of course explains why Lucas was easily dispatched by a dentist.

Now, I get that Ames is lover, not a fighter, but for a guy that has run 583 marathons and works out 16 times a week, he looks completely inept in the ring.  I've seen better form from kangaroos.  Fittingly, Ames gets a mild concussion given that he isn't even defending himself and has to be carted off to the emergency room, but astute observers will note that his permagrin never once faded.  You have to wonder about the legal ramifications of this stuff and the waiver these guys had to sign.  

"ABC/Next Entertainment cannot be held responsible for injuries resulting from (but not limited to):  mental kissing, strong hugs, guarding of hearts, excessive roasting, flannel exposure, rose allergies, or muay thai boxing."  

Thankfully, Ames made a partial recovery and looked extra dapper in his trademark jacket and khakis from JCPenney. 

During a rare cocktail party, rare because she is usually doubled over in a sobbing heap questioning her worth to humanity, Ashley looks for a non-Bentley with which to bestow a coveted rose.  One contender is Lucas the street fighting maniac who has to be begged to show her how to swing a golf club suggestively.  Here's a woman who is literally sticking her ass out at a guy saying "come and get it," and he's only taking the invitation because they're currently out of artichoke dip.  No wonder she wanted Bentley so badly.  He was the only one to feed her attention-starved ego.  This woman is a reclamation project.  I don't know what's in her past, but good luck to whichever guy takes on this task. 

Blake decides he hasn't had much time with Ashley and makes his decidedly non-sexual pitch to stay in the game.  As much as I'm suspicious that there's probably something terribly wrong with this guy, he seems to be relatively normal given the remaining field.  Ashley seems to vacillate between guys that wants to heap on attention and guys who are safe.  Blake is very much the latter.  Eventually, she decides that Blake has earned the rose:

Ashley:  "Are you surprised?"  

Blake:  "I don't know..."

Whoa, look out for this lady killer.  Blake's confidence is only matched in its fragility by Ashley's.  All the while, Ames is still goofed up from having his noggin rocked, but those pleats still look crisp.  Cheers to Ames for being borderline functional in society.  I'll drink to that.  What's better for a concussion than some champagne?

Lest we forget about the dreaded two on one date with Quagmire and Weatherman 2 at the "Elephant Life Experience."  The only thing that could have salvaged this segment was if one of them was eaten by a precocious pachyderm looking to make a name for himself.  Sadly, there seemed to be adequate staff on hand to prevent this eventuality.

If there was ever a time to pull out a tattoo, this was it.  It's probably the same time in the show from last year when Kasey shocked the world with his indelible ink.  Ben C. looked like a zombie during this date for some reason and barely said anything.  More interesting was how spiteful, and, let's face it, bitchy, William became.  The show's past is littered with the corpses of backstabbers and whiners, and you can add one more to that body count after William's weak attempt to have Ben expunged.  It was great how proud he was of himself after Ben was shown the door.  "You didn't even question it!"  You fool, you've killed yourself!  Nobody's safe on a two on one, Will.  No one. 

I was a little confused what happened with jowly Ben.  The guy just rolled over and didn't put up any kind of fight, even knowing the other guy was trying to undercut him.  What happened to being ridiculously in love?  The wild overtures?  It's like he didn't care anymore.  But, can anyone blame him?  I'm not sure I can hold that against him.  It just seemed like he was sort of into Ashley, but maybe he found some pretty nice online profiles during the down time.

Since none of the remaining people are Bentley, Ashley burns the rose in a propane gas fire.  Of course the rose doesn't ignite at first, but eventually they get the shot.  Wither love?

With the bottom two out of the picture, Ashley has a renewed outlook and boldly proclaims:

"You're not necessarily looking to fall in love with me."

So hopeful.  So much optimism.  Can't you see why she's a natural in this role?  Changing her hair color a fifth time isn't going to help this.

Everyone can sense the dour mood and the guys are getting suspicious.  Lucas just comes out and says it:  you miss Bentley.  Finally, someone who's somewhat observant, and Ashley visibly recoils.  She has to know she's being an idiot about this whole Bentley thing, but for some reason doesn't care.  I'm wanting to say that it's such a lame thing to carry a torch over that it has to be fake, but I'm not quite there yet.

Most of these "tools, like, these freaking idiots" have figured out that the mood is somber.  The Jackhammer (Ryan) shows up all jazzed up and reassures Ashley that he's "into her" and wants to stick around to see just how much excitement he can bring to a one on one date.  Great timing here.  The mood couldn't be more reserved and Ryan's still running full speed ahead.  I'd love to see this guy at a funeral.  "Sorry I'm not more bereaved.  What do you want from me?"

Weird conversation of the night goes to Constantine who is accused of wanton bromancing on the set:

Ashley:  "Do you feel closer to the guys than you do me?"

Constantine:  "Naturally."

Constantine just confirms the vibe that a lot of people have had watching this show.  These guys are more likely to quit the show and form an all-dude commune than end up with Ashley.

I feel a little bad for J.P. who clearly likes this girl a lot (for some damn reason) and is objectively saying all the right things.  He's about as sincere as a person can be on a show like this, and Ashley is just wallowing in her own self-pity.  It's kind of ridiculous to watch this show as a competition given that it's been obvious from day one that J.P. is the only person who a) wants to win this thing and b) is capable of winning this thing, but still we have to pretend like there's some epic battle for the heart of Ashley brewing.  Much as in life, people gravitate toward someone in a group, and it's held true in this case as well, despite whatever manufactured drama they've tried to inject into it

Sitting down with Harrison, Ashley says that she's feeling "so strongly" about the guys which is an obviously lie and doesn't even remotely jibe with anything we've seen up to that point.  Rather than come clean about this Bentley obsession, Ashley has to grunt her way into Harrison asking, "gee Ash, is there something on your mind?  Grunt once for yes."  Somewhat appalled, Harrison reminds Ashley that "the guys are literally fighting for you."  Well, except for Ames.  He's not fighting for you.  He's getting concussed for you.

The real idiocy of this situation is that Harrison could end this whole mess by just showing her five seconds of Bentley on tape.  It's not like he's still on the show... he left.  Instead, he carries out this fake dilemma about how to resolve this situation.  All he'd have to say to her is "trust me, he doesn't like you.  Move the hell on."

Hey!  A special sneak peak at Bad Teacher!  Cameron Diaz is about 15 years past her prime.  Looks great.

Cameron Diaz is quickly venturing into Ellen Barkin territory.

Just a fair warning for the readership:  I might be jumping over to Expedition Impossible at some point, so don't be surprised if this blog suddenly reads very differently.

Later, Nick is cut loose because no one bought that he liked Ashley anyway.  Quite a finish.  Next week, we get Bentley in a hotel room, so that should be something.

I entreat you, stop watching this show now.   Save yourselves, while there's still time.