Kalon Mercifully Got the Fuck Out

Well, here we are, inexplicably in fair London.  I say that only because I'm absolutely shocked it wasn't pouring rain.  Probably cleaned that up in post-production.  Usually I feel like there's a theme to these destinations, but not so much this season.

Last time we were comforted that li'l Ricki was still getting an education by nailing those "blue list" words and working with the hotel staff on her addition, but not so this time.  It's all about fun.  Hey kids.  Big Ben.  Parliament.  Posh and Becks' West End flat.

The guys are housed at the May Fair Hotel which is insanely expensive and, incidentally, a stone's throw from Big Ben and Parliament and a slew of other landmarks these guys have never heard of.  Sean gets the first solo date with the less than subtle clue of "love takes no prisoners."  Now, I didn't major in Brit Lit (pretty much the opposite), but A Tale of Two Cities is on my Kindle, so the Tower of London comes to mind.  Not so much for Sean.  I think the original date card said "Sean- Let's grate cheese on your abs.  -emily"

Fresh off her bus ride with Ricki, Emily is ready to flex her considerable knowledge of the city, like clumsily pointing out where William and Kate shared their first kiss in Buckingham Palace, and "West Minster Abbey," also known to some locals as Westminster Abbey, the immortal home to famous dead guys like Geoffrey Chaucer and the above referenced Charles Dickens.  It's a good thing her Palinesque pen-on-hand crib notes survived a bout of sweaty palms because that could have been a disaster.  I know Emily isn't stupid, but she's certainly not intellectually curious either.  Likewise, Sean wouldn't have blinked if Emily was spouting off details about Morocco instead.

But remember, Emily thinks that Sean isn't boring, or tells herself that.  Usually guys that look like Sean are boring, but not Sean.  Nope.  Why?  Because he's "silly," carries her bag, and lies to her about his last date being five months ago, and over a year before that.  I have a feeling he could tell her that he dismembered his last date and hid the body parts in a swamp and she'd think it was just his genuineness shining through.

Yep, Tower of London date.  If only there was some hint of this earlier.  Of the serious contenders remaining, we know the least about Sean, but it's not like that matters to Emily.  In fact, you could essentially overlay Doug's dialogue with Sean's on their respective one-on-one dates and find a 95% match, but Emily was "skeptical" of Doug being "too perfect." Sean must be just flawed enough.  Or maybe fitness models with no kids get a free pass.  I'm telling you, Emily doesn't want to take on a step kid.  She'd never say it, but it's a plain fact.  She and Kalon are more alike than she'd ever admit, right down to the cosmetic accessories.

Evidence of Sean's fantastic responses to Emily's questions?

Emily:  "How many kids do you want?  Is it something you've thought about?"
Sean:  "I hadn't put a lot of thought to it."
Emily:  [playful feigned shock]
Sean:  "Like two.  Two is a good number. Me and my sister were good.. but I'm open-minded."
Emily:  "Okay.  Three, four?"
Sean:  "Three, four.. six, ten.. whatever."
Emily:  "Okay. Good to know." [points to head]

What did we learn here exactly?  Fill in the blank:  Sean wants ___ kids.  About all I can say is that he's probably looking for an even number (zero included).  Beyond that, who the hell knows.  What I do know is that Emily's tired-looking friend Wendy has had more physical intimacy with Sean, so she has a lot catching up to do, and it seems like that's the plan.

If Sean ends up going home at some point there are two nagging issues:  1) what will Arie think of Emily fawning over Sean like a choice cut of USDA Prime? and 2) can we please never cast this guy as The Bachelor ever?  Putting a finer point on the latter, Emily is dead wrong:  Sean is boring as hell.  Ben Flajnik was more compelling.  Hell, I'd watch DJ Stevie as The Bachelor before I'd devote a second to watching this wanker flex his dimple and utter the most anodyne blather for two hours on Monday nights.  I won't do it.  Thankfully, it looks like the role is going to Ali's ex Roberto Martinez (folks, your first law suit inspired minority Bachelor), I wanted to pre-file my formal complaint now in case anyone get the idea that Sean is ratings gold.

Group date is in Stratford-upon-Avon.  The date card has an overused Romeo and Juliet quote.  Guys, what do you figure we'll be doing?  I think most seventh graders know the answer.  As group dates go, this was a supreme loser.  I was all for throwing a throng of kids at them, and of course unleashing the sexually repressed gal pals, but this was basically just cliché for the sake of cliché.  Oh, we're in London.  Let's do Shakespeare.  The only redeeming moment was Kalon telling Emily to "run along" so that he could focus on winning this puppy.  Way to think that one through, genius.  Well, by this point Kalon probably knew he was done.  I honestly thought this guy had some potential to mix it up, but pretty much even failed at that.

"Kitchen's over there, sweetie."

Let's get to the "baggage" fallout already.  The only saving grace of an otherwise pitiful episode.  Kalon has been a mystery to me from the moment he left the helicopter.  I think the idea was for him to be the disruptor of the house, but when you have about 15 seconds of camera time during an entire episode like he did last week, you might be falling a little short of your duties.  I'm forced to conclude that Kalon either is several mentally ill or a nihilist.  I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism...

By this point, Kalon is dropping more bombs than the Allies on Dresden, and it seems a little reckless.  It's not like this is saving you any face.  Take a page from uber-villain Bentley:  just walk off into the sunset.  For anyone reading at home hoping to realize their childhood dream of being a reality TV bad guy, here is a perfect case study of what not to do.  My god, at least draw up a plan and stick with it.  Or have a show veteran guide you through the process.  Showing up and just taking a shit on the place isn't the way to make things happen.  Jesus, you made me like Doug for a second there, and that's just flat wrong, dude.

I'll get to whether ratting out Kalon was appropriate or not in a bit, but surely Doug saw this as his opportunity to play hero.  After some brief intelligence gathering, Doug has a classic "not here for the right reason" sit-down with Emily which gets her southern juices a-flowin'.  She's ready to serve Kalon's balls on a platter with a pint of Guinness, but Doug implores her to think about it since he knows first hand the consequences of flying off the handle and threatening your girlfriend with a shotgun.  I wish I were kidding.

"I want to go West Virginia hood rat back woods on his ass."

Well, now.  I can't say I saw that coming.  Is she sure about that "hood rat" thing?

Had Kalon been somewhat entertaining, I could have gone to bat for him as I have for a lot of other agitators in the past.  It's a show, after all.  Sorry, not this time.

If there was any doubt that Emily wasn't taking this seriously, I think those suspicions have now been allayed.  She just about storms off the set.  She honestly thinks this is a show about finding her a husband.  Good grief.

"My god.  I called myself a hood rat."

Doug predictably overplayed his hand, again, but was curtly rebuffed.  This man has no other cards in the deck.  It's either Single Dad Crusader for Justice, or nothing.  This is why America hates you, Doug.  And yes, we can tell that you're reciting anger management mantras during these tense moments.  Just try not to kill anyone until you leave, okay?

Please, mind the step.

Emily tells the guys she's disappointed in them and that she feels like no one "had her back" and proceeds to run that phrase into the ground about as badly as "I know, right?"  (Especially bad this week.)  She's dead wrong about this.  Foremost, she needs to understand that this isn't the Emily Maynard Show starring Emily Maynard, it's The Bachelorette.  If she bothered to watch any of the previous 25 seasons of this franchise, she'd realize that no one, aside from a few delusional viewers, is interested in finding her a husband.  Certainly no one associated with the show has that goal.  I'll give her credit for being able to read some of these fools (Sean excluded), but she seems to be completely delusional about how this show works.  Her interests and theirs are not aligned.  There's a reason they paid you a large sum to be on the show, over and above the free travel and wardrobe.  You're not a special snowflake in the eyes of ABC/Next Entertainment.  To them, you might as well be.. gasp.. Ashley Hebert.

Moreover, these guys are nothing more than cast members who happen to see you here and there for a few weeks.  None of these guys are your boyfriend.  They definitely aren't your husband, and they sure as hell aren't your kid's father.  If you want someone to "have your back," you probably need to exist in the real world and not on some TV show that has a vested interest in manufactured drama.  As much as I loathe hypocrisy, I think one of my least favorite traits is self-martyrdom.  Lower yourself off that cross, honey, there's a lot of show left.

Consider also the history of ratting people out.  It never ends well.  Ever.  (Are you listening, Doug?)  No matter how much the lead might implore to hear all of the juicy details about what people are saying or doing, the rat always meets an untimely end.  Epidemiologist/rapper Emily learned this the hard way with Ben who practically insulted her for caring about what other people thought.  This rule might be less rigidly applied on The Bachelorette, but it's still a rule.  You never tattle.  You cannot win going this route.  If Emily was serious about wanting a guy to be some kind of informer, Doug would have scored big time.  Instead he got the equivalent of "get bent."

Seems like the shark move was to not be on this bloodbath of a date.  Continuing to defy all logic, Jef gets his chance to register a pulse on his one-on-one date.  Of course Emily is still being all moody the next day over this Kalon deal, so Jef wasn't totally in the clear here.  Still, this woman has ultra-low expectations with this guy.  Being the least threatening option appears to be good enough, at least for now.

Emily "chooses" a date to have tea with an etiquette expert, which in England amounts to an appointment with a licensed sadist.  The person(s) that booked this and thought Shakespeare in the park was a brilliant idea should be fired immediately.  No warning, just put their crap on the street and consider it an improvement.  Of course they left early.  Either that was scripted, or they couldn't stand another moment of how to orient the teapot spout to properly align with the prime meridian.

Continuing with their clichéd tour of London, Jef orders up "two pints" and some "fish and chips."  Later they'll see a Sex Pistols tribute band, get pissed on Whisky, make pavement pizza, get knackered, head home, and not brush their teeth.  That would be so British.

Jef knew about the Kalon mess before his date, but it's obvious that no one gave him a heads about Emily being upset that no one told her about it.  Hell, Jef was there during the original incident and, from his recollection, politely suggested that Kalon should leave.  Sure you did, champ.  After seeing that meltdown last night, I was cringing for Jef when he started in on his baggage analogy.  I think he dodged a bullet there.  Even if you're a set of Louis Vuitton luggage, you're still baggage.  Besides, that was my obvious metaphor in post one, you uncreative bastards.

These two wrap up at the London Eye, which is officially now the EDF Energy London Eye because everything needs sponsorship these days.  The Massengill Bachelorette can't be far off because no one knows douche like Massengill.  In their private pod-thingy, Jef asks Emily where she sees herself in a year, which sounds eerily similar to the question she asked Joe at the Greenbrier.

"Hopefully I'll have, like, a boyfriend. Or fiancé, or husband, or somethin'."

Or somethin' indeed.

Emily may not be aware, but Jef is mormon, so maybe the proper follow up is "how many wives do you want?"  Not to assume that Emily has a religious test, but she probably has a religious test, and I imagine dating a mormon is one step below dating an atheist on the shame continuum.  It seems obvious that she's never been to Salt Lake City because there's no chance she's moving there, even as a hypothetical.  I don't think the Hendrick support system would allow for that.

Something about Emily and Jef together just feels... weird.

Not that Jef is a bad guy or anything, but it seems like he and Emily are more likely to share recipes, do each others' hair, and maybe have a dance party than have some sweeping romance.  Had Emily not asked him to step it up, I doubt he would have done anything differently.  We know that Jef likes free travel, a healthy per diem, and exposure for his company, but it's still completely puzzling why Emily likes Jef, aside from their disdain of food.  We've learned nothing this week.

At the cocktail party, Emily beats the same tired refrain of no one having her back.  She seemed especially upset with Arie who she felt let her down, never mind that she insisted that she's a big girl that can fight her own battles.  Pretty good mixed messaging here.  Arie had it right, though.  There's no point in obsessing over what other people are doing.  It's a dead end.  Jef seemed to think he had the moral high ground, but what exactly did that little hipster do to confront Kalon?  Emily probably thinks she wants a guy like Kasey Kahl to guard and protect her heart.  The problem is that she really doesn't.  No one likes a Kasey Kahl. Even Vienna couldn't stand him.

Sean wisely took full advantage of not being on the group date of death and of course claimed that he would have kicked Kalon's ass if he was there.  Sure man.  Not only would you not have said anything, but you probably would have just sat there with your patented shit-eating grin.  Love the hindsight, though.

Emily is still convinced that her attraction to Sean is more than just physical, never mind that she still doesn't know a thing about him.  She has butterflies, but not so much in her stomach, rather near her naughty girl parts.

The rose ceremony seemed to be all about sending messages.  Doug led the do-gooder intervention, so he gets the first rose.  She was disappointed in Arie acting the way any normal guy would, so of course he has to sweat it out until the end.  Don't let it happen again, Arie.  Remember that no good deed goes unpunished.

I'm really upset we won't be learning more about Alejandro's mushroom farming, but that's the risk we took when we started this journey.  If you put yourself out there like that, you might get hurt.

"You're sending the Wolf?  Shiiit, negro.. that's all you had to say!"

Let's take a look at the Big Board:

1. Arie - Hanging on to the top spot by a hair.  Had a rocky week, but it wasn't bad enough to move him from the top spot.
2. Sean - It seems to be down to him or Arie with the rest pretty far back.  We still don't know a lick about this guy.  Seriously.. nothing.
3. Jef - She doesn't really like the rest of the guys very much.  For whatever reason, she likes Jef.  All 125 pounds of him.
4. Chris - Invisible this week, so he slips to fourth.
5. Doug - Won some temporary points with calling Kalon out, but it seems increasingly evident that there's nothing there.  No step kids, thanks.
6. Ryan - I like him for the humor value.  I hope he starts to get desperate and lashes out at the guys.  Please?
7. Travis - Mississippi needs you back.
8. "Wolf" - Should have been eliminated with "Nate."  The red pants didn't do him any favors.