The Jef, Doug, and Travis Estrogen Extravaganza

So lately I have been reading all of the "spoiler" info this season, but only after I was told that the usual suspects have been flummoxed by ABC's new (apparently successful) misinformation campaign.  I've read all kinds of speculation about who the final guy is, but it seems like one giant pissing match among bloggers who haven't the faintest clue.  An Instragram pic is compelling evidence?  Really?  I think it's safe to say that, as of today, no one knows what the hell is going on, which is plenty fine by me.  My bread and butter isn't spoilage anyway, it's mockery.  And honestly, it's a better deal for me if there's some uncertainty floating out there.  Also remember that nailing down the final winner on these shows has been notoriously difficult in past seasons.  There have been some embarrassing episodes by those who shall remain unnamed.  Besides, there's nothing particularly entertaining about knowing who Emily will pretend to want to marry.

Week 6 finds the crew in Dubrovnik, Croatia which is at the very southern tip of the country and on the Adriatic Sea.  If you took two steps further south, you'd be in Montenegro, but it's not like any of you is going to win a geography bee any time soon, so never mind.  Dubrovnik itself is essentially a medieval walled Byzantine fortress that is ideal for guarding and protecting reality show hearts.  The old city section of Dubrovnik was named as a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 1979 which means that you ought not bomb the piss out of it should you ever become a ruinous dictator.  I know we have a few budding Slobodan Miloševićs out there.

Emily's histrionics over Kalon – let's be honest – telling the truth seem especially rich in light of her sending little Ricki back to Charlotte with the babysitter (i.e., grandma).  Boy, she sure showed him.  I don't see why Ricki couldn't have stuck around.  What, is Eastern Europe not good enough for her little princess?

This season has had a few minor twists.  Not exactly the wholesale reworking that I've begged for, but there have been some nice surprises here and there.  One of these is the perilous one-on-one date.  The two-on-one is a known death spiral, but it's always been assumed that going on a solo date meant an auto-rose to the next round.  Thankfully, not anymore.

Eggman has somehow lasted six whole weeks and amassed something like 20,000 frequent flier miles, but the free ride stops here.  It's anyone's guess how he's lasted this long.  He's exactly the kind of roster filler that gets clipped on night one, but this dude won the reality show mini-lotto.  It probably says more about the quality of guys they cast on the show than anything else.  Still, I'd rather have someone with a pulse than this guy wasting valuable seconds of air time.

We probably should have suspected doom once he showed up in pink plaid.  I realize that we're probably at the nadir of fashion sense in 2012 (see any NBA postgame press conference for reference), but perhaps the staff could deign to hire a consultant for these poor lads.  It's not like I'm Karl Lagerfeld, but c'mon folks.  The Old Navy clearance bin has been picked over already.

I'll give Travis some props.  He seems like a nice enough guy.  It's kind of difficult to really root against him other than he doesn't really do any fun tricks on command.  I suppose this is his main problem.  He's sort of perfectly unremarkable which underscores just how amazing it is that he's even made it to Croatia to eat pistachio gelato.  Because everyone loves a good staged date, Travis rates this one a solid 10 out of.. 8.  Seems a little weird to go with 8 as your rating scale.  I rate this particular episode 38 out of a possible 53.  It had a good beat, but the dancing, as always, was terrible.

Dinner with these two had about as much sexual tension as an episode of Will & Grace.  Travis was already extrapolating hand holding to marriage, but Emily was more interested to learn why he hadn't dated anyone in two years.  Seriously.  Two years.  Hell, Emily dated Jeremy Shockey (who is essentially a John Daly starter kit) since breaking up with Brad.  At least she was in the game, no matter how gross it was.  Point is, no one expects you to be chaste between fiancés.  Let's live a little here.

Whoa, double rainbow.  The official power-gay symbol of this episode.

Although Travis was pretty amped about opening up a little and maybe getting that first kiss sometime in hypothetical Week 36, Emily wasn't feeling that special tingle in her loins and banished Travis to the friend zone which earns you a home version of the game, boxed leftovers, and a disposable umbrella, but sadly no ticket to Bachelor Pad.  Drink it in, folks.  This is probably the last time you'll ever see Travis, unless of course you're a resident of Madison, MS in which case we'll see you at the parade in his honor next weekend.

The marketing overreach hasn't been as bad in years past.  Remember the "Leap List" debacle?  It's still bad when a segment of the show feels gratuitously commercial.  I think my breaking point was Emily saying "Disney Pixar's Brave" instead of just "Brave."  This is not how real people talk.  Say, have you seen that 20th Century Fox production Prometheus starring Guy Pearce and Charlize Theron, directed by Ridley Scott?  Well, you should.  It's polling a solid 74% on the Tomatometer.

I don't know if this kind of shoddily embedded advertising actually works or not.  I was frankly too busy noticing that Emily kept morphing from tan to pale and back during her interview segments.  Since it was obviously chilly when they shot in Croatia, and we know "Prague" isn't Czech for "tropical paradise," it seems some of these clips were shot way way after the fact.  Is it really that difficult to sum up a group movie date?

To further confuse matters, Croatia played host to Scottish highland games.  Of course they did.  Makes perfect sense.  They even imported a couple of real live Scrooge McDuck sounding Scots to run the thing.  I was surprised just how weak and uncoordinated Chris was.  Jef, okay that I expected, but Chris seems like the kind of guy that might drink a protein shake or two.  Honestly, it was far too much like watching a foal try to walk immediately after birth.  I guess these kinds of contests are supposed to get the testosterone flowing, but all we really saw was Sean running over everyone like a freight train.  They missed an opportunity by excluding Ryan from this thing.  At least he would have put up a fight.

Emily can never seem to decide whether she is rating these guys on physical attributes or not.  You get these little moments of "dang, that shit was hot" and then she'll disavow everything she ever said as if it was a self-destructing Mission Impossible tape.  There's no other way to explain why she's so infatuated with Sean.  He could be a self-admitted kid toucher and she'd be none the wiser.  Maybe if she had bothered to ask she'd learn something.

Emily:  "What's going through your brain right now.  I feel like there's more than you're telling me."
Sean:  "No..."

Like an open book.

Jef is another matter entirely.  

Emily:  "By the way.  What took you so daggone long..."
Jef:  "For what?"
Emily:  "To kiss me?"
Jef:  "I'm scared of you."

He's like the reciprocal of Sean and this mess is endemic of the hipster virus that's been plaguing our nation for about a decade now, though it probably just hit Salt Lake last year.  Emily must think Jef is absolutely loaded to keep making excuses for him like this.  If you want a girlfriend, Jef is definitely your man.

Ryan had the misfortune of getting the second one-on-one date and thereby earning his walking papers.  I had some hopes for this guy getting his act together, but it's pretty evident by now that he's a perfect storm of stupid and overconfident.  The Jesus stuff was just bonus.  Surely at some point Ryan would have been sent packing, but I think might have been able to outlast the Wolf had he managed to drive better than my grandmother and maybe quell his obsessive need to refer to Emily as a trophy wife.  I actually liked this guy's shtick.  It just needed to be dialed back from 11 to around 6.  Wasn't a fan of the Wolverine tribute manscaping, though.

"For your guys who are cutting this up... do a good job of portraying exactly who I am and not, you know, an arrogant ass."

I'm encouraged.  This shows at least some evidence of self-reflection.  He's going to be terribly upset when they don't ask him to be the next Bachelor, though.  Plenty of better arrogant ass options out there, in my opinion.

"I even put the list in reverse order to look like a gentleman.  'Looking hot' is last."

Wolfman was probably next against the wall, but that cagey bastard pulled the dead grandparent trump card, or in this case, cards.  This guy is lucky he wasn't left spelunking with "Nate" on their two-on-one cave match.  Quite the story of survival.  It's astounding how quick these guys are to sob in front of Emily.  "Please don't send me home.  This is the best vacation I've ever been on."  Sorry, Wolf.  That data won't destruct itself. 

Not sure what the hell is wrong with Doug.  I know he's probably still on probation due to acting out a scene from Falling Down, but if a woman instructs you to grab her ass, son, you grab her ass and you like it.  It's like Doug never thought he had to do anything beyond mentioning his kid.  Awful, awful performance in the clutch.  I can't stand to watch a show where a woman instructs guys on how to flirt.  Isn't that what junior high was for?

Not sure what loving your son has to do with your complete lack of game.  Cry it out.

Ditching these two was probably the right call, but the numbers don't really work down the stretch.  They'd probably have to trim an episode.  Yes, there are rules to these things, Chris.  Amazing how they had an extra rose ready to go.  That sequence was just as bad as the weak dubbed preview where Emily asks Chris who else in the house isn't all about her.  I suppose we'll see that actual clip at some point, but why even bother with the head fake?  Save that crap for Lizard Lick Towing.  This year they seem to be pulling back the curtain a bit, and there's some real genius in there.  It's when they start with the editing shenanigans that people just get annoyed.

This deal about Cassie Lambert's relationship with Arie has to be influenced by all of the spoiler chatter out there.  I think it's a good move to bring it up on the show.  Any previous year and they'd bury this like spent uranium and pretend it didn't exist.  I love the new approach.  Obviously, Emily isn't too thrilled with the news that Cassie dated Arie, but come on... it was nine years ago, and from what I can tell, Arie was being charitable by dating her.  Not exactly a head turner, this one.  Actually, the only reason Arie was cast in the first place was because of Cassie's influence.  She's wanted him on the show for a long time, and this season just made sense given the racing connection.

Emily giving Cassie Lambert's leftovers a rose.

There is some buzz that Emily goes nuts and cuts Arie on the spot, but there's no chance that's accurate.  I still think he's winning this thing, and this Cassie crap is ancient history.  She'd be a moron to hold it against him.  What was he supposed to do?  "Oh hey, didn't know when I should bring this up, but I used to bone your producer.  Good news is that she was a dead fish in bed.  We cool?"  It's not like it's his fault he was cast on the show.  You'd figure they would have told Emily this rather than let it fester or expect Arie to explain it, but at least it provides a nice twist.  Finally some shit getting real.

Given that Doug and Wolfie are huddled together on a sinking ship, let's take a look at the final four:

1. Arie - hitting some severe turbulance with this Cassie revelation, or so it appears.  Who knows how Emily will digest this long term.  Either she gets over it (which should be easy... for most people), or she lets it eat at her and tries her luck elsewhere.  I don't think this will be enough to derail the inevitable.
2. Sean - I feel like we're actually having knowledge about this guy sucked out of our brains each week.
3. Jef - Emily is absolutely hell bent on dragging this guy's limp body across the finish line.  I'm still completely baffled by it.  As time goes on, I'm going to start rooting for Jef to win.  It will be the strangest outcome of all time, and by all time I mean all male-female bonds between humans from the big bang until now.
4. Chris - Suffers an unfortunate spate of crying which has befallen many a former contestant.  Good game.