Let's start off with the forced drama regarding the bizarre love triangle of Arie, Emily, and Cassie. Hoo boy, did they ever play this one up. Some of you might have even read US Weekly's stupid-as-hell claim that Emily learned about Arie and Cassie sharing coffee ten years ago and dropping him "right then and there." Sure. I liked the angle of ABC showing us a bit of raw footage and addressing this thing, but in the end, all it did was raise more questions. And did anyone really buy that cameras weren't rolling during the real discussion among these three? I'm sure someone out there did. Why that wouldn't have been thrown in is a mystery to me. They invented this drama, and to not milk it for all that its worth is puzzling.
In case you're unclear about what to make of this, let me help you out. Cassie has known Arie for many years. She's been looking for an opportunity to cast Arie on the show and felt this season was ideal. This should tell you all you need to know about the casting process. Sorry, it's not exactly the hand-selected batch with Emily's eternal happiness in mind. Usually it just ends up being guys that walk through the door and/or old entries in the staffs' little black books. Personally, I don't buy the idea that Arie lobbied to be on the show. His racing career peaked about five years ago and wasn't all that promising even then. Nepotism only gets you so far in sports. Eventually you have to display some talent. Unfortunately, Arie Jr. isn't quite the racing prodigy dad was.
We did learn a good deal about Emily and her entitlement issues. How DARE they cast someone on the show that a producer knew. She was so worked up about it, they even had a special one-on-one date planned exclusively to showcase her passive-aggressive behavior. There's nothing like watching a date where the chick is stewing about something and throwing out mildly leading questions in the hopes that the guy will magically pick up on it and address it. Jesus, just ask him about it already. Emily turns this into some test of "loyalty" and "honesty," meanwhile she's dating six guys simultaneously and hasn't made one mention of her perky new store-bought breasts. Or fancy new nose. Or those tasty veneers. Whole lotta hypocrisy here.
Certainly, Arie was told by the producers to avoid the whole Cassie gambit from day one. "We got this. We'll tell her." It must've come as quite a shock to him when he realized that they didn't handle it. Emily insisted that it would have been better to learn about it day one, but it's pretty clear now that would have been a horrible idea. I suppose we can debate whether the producers intentionally brought in Arie knowing this would be an interesting train wreck down the line, but that would be giving them too much credit. To wit, Cassie's word salad during her conversation with Emily:
"But I don't think he's hiding that he knows me. We've been very corg[dial?].. like full, it's not like, but we're asking, at first something too, like, it's been so long we don't really know each other that well. It's like.. I haven't, in ten years we've seen each other like twice?"
Holy Christ, what the hell was that? Yes, I typed that verbatim.
If Arie does get the hook at some point (I still see no evidence of this), knowing Cassie won't be the reason. Emily knows there wasn't anything to get bent out of shape over, and it's clear that the producers hung him out to dry saying they'd handle it with Emily. I have a hard time believing she'd hold that against him. Mostly, though, I have no faith that she likes Jef or Sean more. As for Chris, I think she's deathly afraid of that guy going off his meds.
So yeah, Prague. By now we're not even pretending that Emily has this magical encyclopedic knowledge of Europe as she's seen toting around a Let's Go guide. Arie and Emily check out some of the better known landmarks, like the 600 year old Prague Astronomical Clock and St. Vitus Cathedral. It's trite to say how amazing certain stops are along these epic journeys, but Prague truly is a special place. It's a shame they've worn out superlatives describing lesser destinations. Like Charlotte.
You can get a sense of when they were filming in Prague because everyone is freezing to death and drinking "hot wine." But then we see Emily breaking down all of her dates while looking like she was tanning in Tahiti, or in this case, Curaçao. So strange. It's like she botched all of the recaps on location and had to redo them later.
You can see just how terribly Cassie messed things up. Arie dropped the ol' "L-bomb" (thanks, Ben) on Emily, and she reciprocated by kissing his face off. Poor guy. Seems a little early for this maneuver, though. Off hand, I can't remember "I love you" showing up before the hometown date. Lots of "falling for you" crap, but not the hard stuff. I'm sure it's been done, but in more desperate situations. Yes, I feel like I'm a habitual Arie apologist/borderline fan boy, but everything that I can surmise points to this guy waltzing to victory.
Week 7 is the official episode of one-on-one dates, and that means everyone's a winner, well, unless you're a creepy psycho like Chris. Even the Wolf scores choice solo time with Emily. Not that it went well, but sometimes you have to acknowledge a true miracle when you see one. Wolf's run through Prague has been more improbable than Buster Douglas knocking out Mike Tyson. It's been less predictable than John Travolta's movie career. It's been less expected than the Spanish Inquisition. Unfortunately, it's also been less compelling than a Dan Brown novel. Oh yeah, I went there.
Not since the days of Ames "Amesbot 3000" Brown have we been subjected to such a dearth of emotion. Awkwardness, no.. that's Doug's department. Wolf has been skating through with an ingenious combination of guile, incognito, musk, and a nearly endless list of sad-sack stories. This week's chapter featured Wolf versus "This Doctor Dude" who stole his girl and left him as a burning heap of wreckage. At some point you'd think Wolf would bring something positive to the table and maybe show Emily that he's not walking through life with a rain cloud perpetually over his head, but instead we tune in each week to learn some new twist on how to never catch a break in life. Hell, that lock wouldn't even close.
Wolf: [oblivious to metaphors] "What does that represent, do you know?"
Emily: "Um, it represents... data security."
Wolf: "Interesting. That's what my company is all about."
Emily" "Don't you pretty much just shred paper for a living."
Wolf: "Well, important paper, yes."
These budding lovers then share an intimate meal in a dank dungeon filled with brackish water and mold, which, according to the kids at Let's Go, is the fastest growing venue for burgeoning romance in eastern Europe. Inspired, Wolf recounts how "Doctor Dude" sucked the life out of him and induced him to look like a fool on a major network reality TV dating show. Emily probably wasn't ready to play psychotherapist, but I feel like these two had a really productive session this week. Wolf's HMO even covered it.
Emboldened, and drunk with delusion, Wolf heads back to the hotel to gloat about the fact that he will later be sent home. "Nailed it." This performance also has the side benefit of thoroughly messing with Chris who is about neck-deep in a bubbling lake of crazy sauce. And then, lo, out of absolutely nowhere comes this strange moment where Sean, who has been Kool & the Gang from day one, hurriedly runs off to search for Emily in a city of well over a million residents. Safe to say we have found the worst producer-inspired moment of Season 8. Absolutely rancid.
The group date is actually the place to be this week since it's the only place to get a rose, but don't tell that to Chris. He'd rather wallow in his own tears than pay attention to show mechanics. Doug isn't faring any better. It's as if the only thing he's comfortable doing is talking about his 11.5 year old son, Austin, who is into castles and all that "boy stuff." I think that Austin would have a better shot of landing Emily than his dad. Of their home town date that will never happen:
Emily: "What different side would I see?"
Doug: "Nuthin'..."
But it got better. Or in this case, even more strange. Doug accidentally touches Emily and profusely apologizes, as if doing so by mandate of court order. Could it possibly get more awkward? Of course it could, and it does. Doug decides to make his move.. during elimination.
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| "...and that's why I have to send you.. holy shit what are you doing?" |
And then, as if on cue, he sobs like a baby on the cab ride home, most likely because he dearly misses his precious balls which seem to have been lost somewhere in Bermuda.
With Doug out of the picture, it's just Sean and Chris on the three-on-one, which is now a two-on-one, and soon to be a one-on-one. The man with the largest key gets to spend more private time with Emily. Too bad Wolf isn't around to ask about what keys represent.
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| It's not the the length of the key that matters. It's the girth. |
Because he's acting like a guy that's been there before, Sean gets the rose, while Chris continues his slow descent into madness. I'm beginning to worry about this guy, not so much for his prospects of lasting another week, but for the safety of the cast and crew. Someone certainly doesn't like sharing his toys with the other children. It's too bad Arie already ran the "Hulk smash" bit with Doug. It would been perfect here. Chris angry. Chris want hometown date.
Effectively, everyone still breathing got a one-on-one, except for Chris. Emily's favorite charity contestant Jef gets the last crack, and this was easily one of the muddier nuts to crack in recent memory. It's safe to say that Jef has a decent shot to win, but it's anyone's guess as to how and why. I'll entertain theories if you have one. A particularly good conspiracy theory is that Michelle Money's brother is buddies with Jef, so Michelle let good buddy Emily know that she should keep Jef around. Why does Ms. Money keep entering the fray? Maybe they should stay the hell away from Salt Lake City already. It's like everyone knows each other.
Going with marionettes was an odd but perhaps fitting choice for these two. Jef seems to be painfully shy, or awkward, or exuding that patented Mormon sterility... or all of that, and maybe this was a good way for these two to share their innermost feelings, by proxy, through a puppet. Yes, it showcased Jef's immaturity and youthful demeanor, but it also said, "you're safe here. Tell me where the bad man touched you. Use the Michael Jackson doll."
Once they decided to pack up the dollies and ceased their discussion of nail polish colors, Jef and Emily started getting serious about their pending home town visit with Jef's family. Well, some of it. And as excited as Emily is to meet them, well, sorry honey, mom and dad are
And not to scare you away or anything, but my parents didn't like a particular girlfriend of mine, so I ditched her. But don't worry, my parents, whom you will not meet during your visit, will love you. This is going to be great.
Jef and Emily agreed on a lot. Too much.
Emily: "There aren't many people I could lay on the floor with."
Jef: "Me either!"
Jef: "Would you want to live together first?"
Emily: "It makes it so easy to get out."
Jef: "Totally."
Jef: "How soon after we got married would you want kids?"
Emily: "Yesterday."
Jef: "Me too!"
Jef: "I can't wait to be the fun dad."
Emily: "I can't wait to fight with you over being the fun dad."
Jef: "Me too!"
Jef: "I want to date you so hard and marry the shit out of you."
Emily: "Me too!"
I think we all went through a good "me too" phase. These two will make great prom dates.
Later, Jef took things to another level entirely. This never made it on the prime time broadcast, but I think it shows just how serious he is.
"We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling. Gotta make you understand. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you."
There was some dancing too, but mostly he just moved back and forth like a white guy.
With Doug already gone, just Wolfner left to axe, but don't tell that to Chris. This guy unraveled in record time. I guess there was more to that little tête-à-tête with Doug than we first suspected. I'll show you mature...
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| Chris, 15, weepy virgin |
It was good to see Wolf going into that rose ceremony like he owned the place only to get chopped down despite Chris imploding in front of everyone. How bad of an option do you have to be to lose to the guy begging to stay? I'm sure he'll find a lovely emotionless woman with which to rule that paper shredding empire.
Interesting previews for next week, shown Lost style. They've already lifted the end title "boom," so why not the editing too? Seems like we get an out of context weep-fest from Emily about making the wrong decision. I doubt it means anything more than she doesn't like upsetting the psycho guy. Still not sure how the finale plays out. Curiously, there haven't been any clips from it (usually we'd have a few by now), so maybe things are a little different this time around. Live reveal?
No real shifts on the board:
- Arie - I'm sticking with my day one call. Cassie is in the rear view and didn't seem to do any damage. Seems like that was about his only obstacle.
- Sean - Still hasn't shared anything about himself. Getting weird at this point.
- Jef - This visit has the potential to go about as well as Brad's visit to Shawntel's family mortuary.
- Chris - I think we're ready for that thorazine drip. Stat.
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