We've Been Rickrolled!

Hard to believe it's already over.  It seems like just yesterday we were carelessly throwing skateboards into the bushes.  I suppose the writing has been on the wall for a couple of weeks now, but I personally had a difficult time accepting what went down.  Maybe this upcoming trip to Charlotte will help heal some of those wounds.  Don't worry, I'm using miles.

We're back in Curaçao where the guys get to meet Emily's very West Virginian family.  We'd seen glimpses of mom before, but this time we got the whole toothless crew.  Not exactly a striking resemblance here.  Emily seems to have avoided the ugly, slack-jawed yokel gene.  Mostly I was thrown off by mom's five pack a day voice.  Quite a contrast to Emily's lilting, helium-infused drawl.  Had we met any of the Clampetts before?  I honestly can't recall.

Arguably the most pivotal day of his life, and Jef shows up wearing a plain white t-shirt, metal chain, canvas sneakers, and what appear to be Jeggings.  The only things missing from this hipster ensemble were a gaunt dismissiveness and a half drunk can of PBR.  I have a feeling this look hasn't fully penetrated the South yet, so perhaps it's being mistaken as an homage to James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause, but without the interesting rebelliousness.  Emily keeps referring to liking guys "with an edge," but unless "edge" refers to polite Mormon sensibility, I think she might be a little off target here.

If you thought Jef was going to tap the brakes a bit during his meeting with the family, boy were you wrong.  Any concerns about getting engaged?  Nope.  Any worries about Ricki?  Zero.  You sure about marriage?  Absolutely.  Okay, then.  Is this the same guy that was picking dirt off his shoe when Emily gave him a rose?  This is all quite puzzling.  Stockholm syndrome?

I always find the conversations with the siblings to be a bit strange.  I can see laying it on thick with mom, but Jef telling Emily's brother that, effectively, he can't wait to consummate the relationship seemed a little much.  Have we had another "Ernie" on the show?  Seems like a nice enough feller. Mmm-hmm.

I found it interesting that Emily's mom thought that Arie was going to be some arrogant prick.  Seems like a strange presumption to have.  Here's a guy that is living firmly in his dad's shadow and has been less than successful at his craft, and yet he's supposed to have this giant ego?  I presume they've actually met some of the bigger douches that Emily has dated, and there have been plenty.  Like Dale Earnhardt Jr.  And megaslob Jeremy Shockey.  Jef's the guy with the crazy rich family and who is the CEO of his own boutique startup courtesy of his trust fund.  There's where I'd start looking for an ego, though really, neither guy has much attitude to be worth the effort.

Ernie (love that) seemed to have a similar preconception of Arie and even threw out something about him being too "practiced" and "smooth," which honestly made me laugh.  I guess speaking clearly and with your entire mouth is looked upon as "elitist snobbery."  Arie is probably best described as a fun-loving goofball on his worst day.  Jef's the guy that cribs all of his best lines (we'll get to that).  Looks like someone has an uphill battle here.  At least Ernie left "confused."  It's all just part of this magical journey, folks.

Emily was hell bent on getting her family to agree with her decision.  On Arie:

Dad:  "He's a very likeable fella."
Emily:  "Buuuuut..."
Dad:  "Nah, I really don't have one."

Translation:  make your own damned decision.  It was here that we knew Arie was toast.  Emily wanted to be bailed out from the guilt.

I've said before that having a date the day of the proposal is stupid.  There hasn't been a single one of these "dates" that has led to anyone changing their mind.  Sure, Emily arranged for Ricki to meet Jef, but that was going to happen regardless.  It's not like their date went so incredibly well that she decided to set up some impromptu meeting.  Why the hell else was she there?

Still, that beach chat was some of the most painful dialogue we've seen, and surely the most strained between these two.  Emily says she's stressed about things, but Jef is still carrying on like a 15 year old who just discovered girls.  Unfortunately, his level of unflappable optimism is also characteristic of someone that has just committed themselves to a cult.  Not that I doubt that Jef has dated, you know, girls, but his level of enthusiasm is just red flag central.  No one can be that self-assured of something like this.  How this doesn't set of warning bells to the single mom is beyond my understanding.  It's as if neither has any kind of experience to draw from.

"You know how I feel about Ricki" had to be the strangest line of the series.  Well, maybe "just because I haven't met her doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about her every day" is just a tad worse.  Sure, he's been laying it on extra thick, but to have some connection with a child he's never met just seems, well, felonious.  Sean kind of pulled this same act, but Emily was able to at least figure out that it was empty rhetoric.  Not sure why Jef is getting the free pass with his over-the-top platitudes.  The only difference seems to be word choice, although as we'll learn, Jef has had some help in that department.

Over these many weeks, Ricki has traveled all over the world and met numerous staff members, nannies, and producers.  Why meeting any of the guys had to be treated any differently is a bit of a mystery.  If things didn't work out, it would be just as easy to pass them off as one of countless production people that made the show work instead of her potential future step dad.  How hard would it have been to tell Ricki that Jef is just there to make sure the pool is extra clean?  Come on, she's six.

Interestingly, Jef is the second guy to see Ricki.  Ryan was actually the first during their hot and heavy "juice box" date.  Jef's meeting started out in a similar way with two people essentially spying on this poor kid.  It's like they were at the zoo trying to see the elusive three-toed sloth in its natural habitat, except fifty times more stalkerish.

"Do you think she can hear us breathing?"

Honestly, I think any of these guys would have been just as good with Ricki as Jef was.  It's not like it's difficult to be amusing to a six year old. Okay, maybe not everyone is going to don the pink goggles, but I find it hard to believe you're going to learn much from an afternoon of swimming at the hotel pool.  Of course that didn't stop Emily from projecting their lives forward a decade and deciding that Jef was going to be ten time Father of the Year.  It's moments like these where you have to wonder what this woman was thinking coming on this show... again.  The track record for marriage is horrific, but then you throw a kid into the mix and it's even more reckless of a decision.  This poor kid has already met Brad Freaking Womack (and his accompanying anger management issues).  Hasn't she endured enough tragedy in her young life?  I think the sensible thing would have been for Ricki to meet both guys so that Emily could at least make an informed comparison.  I get that you don't want a revolving door of dudes meeting your child, but Emily seems to think this is how she's going to find a husband, and so one would think that should involve something beyond picking a guy and making sure her kid doesn't freak out at the pool.

Even though Jef is tying a bow on this, his path to victory is going to present structural problems once the cameras are off.  I think part of his appeal to Emily is that he's not Brad.  He's generally harmless.  Emily might be able to take him in a fight.  He's also much different than she is and doesn't seem to take life as seriously as a woman who became a mom at 19.   It's probably an overreaction to what happened with Brad, but whatever.  The issue as I see it, though, is that Jef is presenting himself as a guy that has no spine, no real things he's willing to take a stand on, and someone that is overeager to placate his partner.  Emily seems to buy into the idea that Jef is going to be like this forever, and god help him if he isn't.  But honestly, what guy is going to be a living doormat for the rest of his life?  There's bound to be real world issues that come up, but Jef is already establishing that he's willing to cave to any of these.  Well, at least until reality sets in.  This seems to me to be the surest way to making your life completely miserable.  There has to be some give and take.  Once the guy said he was going to move to Charlotte, I knew this had no chance.  Emily has nothing staked in this relationship.  If it doesn't go exactly as she thinks it will, there's nothing lost.  It's not as though everything has to be equal, but Jef has committed to being her obsequious servant boy.  He probably couldn't have gotten this far without doing so.

The other major issue arose when Jef gave Emily that Curaçao photo book.  Okay, so it wasn't a hand made scrapbook, but it did have terrible stick figures drawn in, so I think it qualifies.  Either he isn't aware of the curse or he doesn't care, but I think we can safely give this relationship three more months tops.

"Oh honey, you bought me a book from the gift shop!"
"Yes, but I defaced it with tiny stick figures..."

Emily really has no business getting engaged to anyone.  No one on this show should.  Ever.  Emily's problem is that she's bringing a young child along for this ride which is just idiotic and irresponsible.  Worse, she seems to be basing her decisions on the overwrought promises from a guy who is telling her everything she wants to hear and none of what she needs.  I won't say that Arie is "better" for Emily.  She's ultimately the one that has to fall in love with someone, but it seems that he had a much better perspective of what it takes to be in a long term relationship and the complications associated with bringing the child into it.  Instead of trying to convince her that everything is perfect and incredible and always will be, Arie at least seemed to have a more realistic outlook.  All told, this is probably the worst way to meet a potential spouse, so neither guy seems like a good option.  I do know that whatever Jef was peddling didn't make a lick of sense, no matter how idealistic either of them are.

Emily suggested that a key part of Jef's appeal was all of the wonderful things that he said to her, especially the amazing letter that he wrote.  Trouble is, Jef plagiarized most of it from a wedding video on YouTube.  I took the liberty of moving the link ahead to the relevant exchange of vows.  It's worth watching the three or so minutes to see just how much material is verbatim.  Remember "laugh until your cheeks hurt?"  Stolen.  How about "love that makes the story books jealous?"  Lifted.  It goes on and on like this.  For being a sensitive, passionate guy, Jef sure seems to be spectacularly uncreative.

With Arie still hanging around, Emily had the unenviable task of letting him know that, not only was he not going to be the last man standing, but that he wouldn't even get a chance to make his case.  I suppose you can't fault her for cutting the guy loose once she knew which way she was going.  I'm sure she'll never address it, but does it matter to her that Jef depended on Cyrano de Bergerac for his lines?  Even the glib throwaway ones.

Poor Arie had to throw together that "love potion," which looked suspiciously like a salad, and slather it onto the arms of a woman who didn't want him.  They love setting up people like this.  I suppose it could have been worse.  He didn't get denied at the altar like Ben, sweating like a pig.  At least he'll get a decent explanation of what's going on in her head, right?  Chris Harrison gave her that great advice about being honest and forthcoming.  If only Arie could have seen how good Jef was with those pink goggles, he'd understand everything.  Really, if you think about it, this boiled down to a battle of internet memes.  Arie didn't exploit YouTube and someecards.com as effectively as he could have.  That's what happens when you're on the wrong side of 30.  "I like your necklace.  Is that a phoenix?"  No, it's actually a giant albatross.

Strange mix of former Bachelor franchise has-beens in the audience.  Of course you have Ashley and J.P. since they are still together and perpetually engaged with no wedding date.  Ashley gave Emily props for cutting Arie loose so that "she could enjoy her day."  Yes.  Yes.  Well said.  I'm sure all of America was curious what DeAnna Pappas thought about all of this.  It's been a good four years since she had anything to do with this show.  Interestingly, she is now married to Michael Stagliano's identical twin brother Stephen which just goes to show you that this process can work in creepy, unexpected ways.  Michael is back on Bachelor Pad after winning last season.  I guess I don't see the point.  We also got a brief glimpse of Ashley Spivey, mostly so we could marvel at her sweet ass.  Thank you, ABC.  I have absolutely no idea what she said.

Impressive.  Most impressive.

Emily proved to be even more terrible than I could have imagined during the proposal.  She offered nothing dramatic or compelling.  "I didn't even go on a date with Arie yesterday.  And he's not even here today!"  Seemed a little weird to be so gleeful about kicking another guy when he's down.

Without the benefit of notes, Jef was suddenly a whole lot less eloquent.  I remember Brad's proposal to Emily.  She was a sobbing mess.  In contrast, Jef was fishing for words and built the world's longest run-on sentence ever constructed.  "I love you and we click and.. you're awesome and.. I'm glad we met like this on a show and.. I can't wait to be with you and.. you're hot and.. I promise to take care of Ricki and.. I love you and.. will you marry me?"  Neither one of them really seemed into it.  Then they played timely music from The Karate Kid, Part II soundtrack.  Instant goosebumps.

I was a little surprised that Arie was so messed up by this girl.  He was obviously more emotionally attached to her than he let on.  Flying to Charlotte to drop off his journal was kinda crazy.  Why was it in a padded envelope?  I think she read it.  I know she read it.

Michael said it best:  pretty sure Arie will find comfort in the arms of another.  Probably several.  We're all praying for him to get through this difficult period of mass female pity and instant fame.  People seem overly worried about who the next Bachelor will be.  Roberto is still lined up despite rumors to the contrary, but if not, Sean or Arie can probably take one for the team.  It really doesn't matter anyway.  Even Ben's season was entertaining, especially with Courtney gumming up the works.  Speaking of which, I wonder when those two are going to stop pretending to be engaged.

I don't think I'll be covering Bachelor Pad.  Sorry, kids.  It's just not real enough for me.  I'd much rather watch that rumored Jef and Emily reality show (which I suggested in the first place).  I want to be there when he discovers the mess he's made of his life and how his hipster days are numbered.  No more cool pics hanging with your homies on Instagram.  It's all Easy Bake Ovens and Squinkies from now on.