As you've likely figured out, I'm not a fan of Sean. Like, at all. Emily habitually calls him "perfect," and I think despite the unfortunate descriptor, she has actually sussed out the critical flaw. There's just nothing going on there. Of course he's "perfect." He never does anything to reveal himself as being the least bit human. That's not perfection, it's creepy.
Interestingly, while Emily has a natural instinct to avoid guys like Sean who only give you one pristine side of themselves, she's also begging to the camera for Sean to tell her how much he loves her. He's the only one that hasn't, after all. Given how much Sean has treated this process like a job application, or a game show (which, oddly, it is), you'd think he would have ticked this off the check list already. I mean, he's already gushed about how he'd love to be Ricki's dad. Would it really be too bold to tell Emily that he loves her? Not that I advocate it, it's surprising he hadn't already. It's the in thing to do, and Emily is so craving validation that she needs to go three for three on this. Lucky day, toots.
If you used the old rules for Official Bachelorette Drinking Game this season, it would have been a sober ride. There's been a surprising lack of bungee jumps, high wire acts, swimming with sharks, and the usual adrenaline-inducing milieu. Instead things have been decidedly low key bordering on catatonic. Emily has always struck me as 26 going on 50, and likewise the dates reflect something you'd find on a spunky seniors cruise instead of a reality show looking to deliver the coveted 18-34 demographic every Monday night. Still, you knew they'd bust out the ol' copter tour in the Caribbean. Like clockwork.
The airlift to some nearby desolate island (shoal, really), likely strafed during test runs in WWII, was an awful harbinger for Sean. Though most seem to have missed this point, he'd been pretty evasive until now, yet Emily was more than willing to give him a pass each week. Well, not this time. So how was that three year relationship with ex-Cowboys cheerleader Brooke Sorenson? Apparently it was a lot of going through the motions. It's just as well, I suppose, since now she's married to mediocre Phillies sub and Jersey Shore aficionado Laynce Nix. All things considered, that's probably a lateral move.
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| Cool hair, bro. |
Sean went right for the played out "love but not in love" maneuver which I'm sure gave Emily all kinds of confidence in his seriousness and long term potential. He made the case that approximately ten hours of hand holding and nose-to-nose kissing should trump three years of a hollow relationship with another blonde curiously similar to Emily. Wow, the mood went from uncomfortable to "Nate"-level uncomfortable. I'm afraid that patented squint-wink won't bail him out this time.
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| "No, my eye is fine. Really. Why do you ask?" |
There's no question Sean knew he was on a sinking ship after the island sit down went horribly awry. So what does he do? Writes a letter to Ricki, naturally. These kind of crazy overtures are the Hail Mary pass of the Bachelor franchise, especially facing fourth and very long like Sean was. Had he tried to be Walt Whitman in a less distressed moment (a la Jef), I suppose it could have worked, but to write a letter to Emily's kid as if it was a near certainty he'd be her dad was, well, a bit over the top and more than this blogger could stand. I never would have guessed that Sean would be the kind of guy to go all Lloyd Dobbler on us, but the only thing lacking here is a trench coat and hoisted boombox.
I suppose we should discuss the Fantasy Suite and how much it resembled literally no one's idea of a fantasy. I know Emily has stated ad nauseum how much decorum she has to maintain as a mother and what a upstanding role model she has to be, but I think that lie was exposed when she signed the contract sometime last year. It's not like dating 25 guys simultaneously is exhibiting any great restraint. And don't forget, she's basically in love with three at the same time. I think I remember my mom telling me a similar story, but those were the 60s.
Sean got the war-torn island, but Jef gets the 120' yacht Insulinde (yes, I checked). Yeah, no foreshadowing there. As much as I don't get this at all, I finally have to admit that Jef has better than coinflip odds of taking this thing. She really seems to buy into whatever Jef is peddling, and from this view it doesn't seem like much. Although lately, I have to say that Holm is laying it on pretty thick. That marionette scene was cloying and forced, but it seemed to tap into some archetypal image that Emily had imprinted on her brain in her youth. Jef seems like he'd make a pretty cool little brother. I'll spot him that.
Recall that Jef's parents were busy doing "charity work" (an interesting euphemism for "indoctrination") in South Carolina at the time of her visit, but after hearing such great things, they want to meet this temptress for themselves. I feel like I have some inherent loyalty to Arie, being a fan of his dad and calling this shot early, but there just has to be more compelling TV with a Jef victory. And now that we know After the Final Rose will be a live show, there's just so much more entertainment potential than if Arie wins this. I'm officially torn... but we'll get to that.
I think one aspect of the Jef-Emily relationship that bugs me is how juvenile this is playing out. Their conversations, while playful and flirtatious, are like an Abbot and Costello routine in Stupidville.
Emily: "How do you feel about meeting my parents?"
Jef: "I love parents. I love hanging out with parents."
Emily: "I'm a parent. Do you love hanging out with me?"
Jef: "Uh-huh."
Emily: "Cool."
Jef: "You are a parent."
Emily: "It's perfect."
Jef: "Do you think I'd be a good parent?"
It's around here where I'd love to invoke Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield. "Say 'parents' again..." Emily visibly struggled to rattle off a list of Jef's natural parenting qualities. Well, he did go down that kiddie slide backwards.
It's been strange to watch Jef turn the tables on Emily and put her on the spot. I think that's a shrewd move, and one that Ryan completely mangled, but I never would have figured Jef would be the kind of guy that could pull it off. All I'm seeing is a clumsy Patrick Dempsey trying to land the much hotter Amanda Peterson (who was the near ideal embodiment of every snotty rich blonde girl you ever knew circa 1987) in Can't Buy Me Love. It's as if Jef is paying Emily to like him, only the stakes are a bit higher than grass cutting money and suede jackets. Rumor is, though, that Emily's wardrobe budget reached Palinesque heights. That's saying something.
I was keenly interested in the various "where should we live?" conversations that inevitably take place during dinner. I think my favorite of all time was Brad's discussion with Ashley. Any hopes that girl had of potentially living in Maine and setting up a dental office were put to bed almost immediately. After her win, Emily fought tooth and nail to stay in Charlotte and only rarely went to Austin to hang with Brad and his entourage. It's interesting, then, to see how willing Emily was to live anywhere these guys wanted, even *gasp* Salt Lake City. Really? This has me wondering if the heretofore generous Hendrick dole has a terminal date. That possibility has to factor into the required net worth of her final choice. No slackers with Arie or Jef. They're both living about as hassle free and trust fund rich as Ben Flajnik.
But getting lost in all of this is the possibility of Emily moving to SLC. C'mon, now. There's no way that's happening. Is there? I'd watch a series based on that premise alone. Hey Fleiss, make that happen. Do I have to tweet you or something? I'm kind of new here. I'll even storyboard it.
Arie also got some precious boat time with Emily, but on a catamaran. I guess there are only so many modes of transportation you can work with. Dutch guy, Dutch colony.. I would think bicycles, but Emily didn't pack anything other than heels. I'm glad we were spared ten minutes of swimming with dolphins and just cut to dinner. Finally, a good editing decision. I, too, was curious what Arie Jr. does on a typical Tuesday morning. It's rare that we get such insight into the posh lives of entitled progeny. Well, aside from that one guy running for president with the multitude of offshore accounts, and of course the Kardashians. Arie wakes up at around 9, which is more likely 11 given his reaction, and Emily wakes up at some time earlier than 6:30, thank you very much, which is probably more like 10 as grandma clearly appears to be raising that child. Arie did divulge that he likes to "be around people" and "eats out" almost every night, which is code for hitting the Phoenix clubs pretty hardcore. Not sure if his lifestyle is a deal breaker, but I've been told some limited research on the subject via Facebook reveals a lot about this guy.
Not to get all serious business here, but Arie had the most realistic answer regarding Ricki and how that relationship would have to evolve. Here you've got Sean and Jef penning these epic overtures about how they would cherish and adore Ricki even before meeting her, but Arie has actually done this before and knows it doesn't exactly work that way. I'd love to see Jef show up and tell Ricki that daddy's home. After all, that's what he's pretty much promised to do. That would be fun to watch in a way not too dissimilar to World's Scariest Police Chase Videos 5. Ricki versus "The Fun Dad." Buckle up.
Some choice splicing of Emily's teary-eyed reaction to Sean's video overlaid on all three made things a little suspenseful, but it would be difficult for the logical mind to deduce anything other than Sean heading home. He had a good run, but at some point you probably need to start acting like an actual person rather than an ad for match.com. Sorry, ladies, Sean would make a terrible Bachelor. He'd probably make a capable extra in a future P90X video, though. I'm thinking Ab Ripper X.
Sean was so thoroughly torn up by his dismissal that he just stared at the producers sitting in the back of the limo. It's always a shock when the paid vacation is over. Most people cry, though.
So we're down to week one favorite Arie and the hipster CEO. I think Arie is the right choice, but my contrarian blogger side says Jef has the most artistic promise. Seriously, if that guy and his hair win this, we need to have a Jef and Emily spinoff, but only if it's shot in Utah. Episode 1: "Meet the Parents." Loving this already.
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