Chicago is for Haters

Sorry about the delay.  Even dedicated bloggers take a vacation, folks.  Good thing nothing really good happened last week.  We all knew Chris was going home.  Let's do a quick recap anyway.

Emily first goes to Chicago which is by far the most interesting city on the tour, but Chris made it seem like they were visiting some drab eastern bloc city, like say, Kraków or maybe Warsaw.  This reeked of a pity visit.  Everyone, save Chris of course, saw the writing on the wall.  It never should have come to Emily having to polka and pretend like she was serious about this guy.  For whatever reason, maybe it was lost in translation or something, Chris's dad decided to tell Chris that Emily was "falling in love with him."  Here's what really went down:

Polish dad:  "So... [deep sigh] do I sense some love?"
Emily:  "Absolutely."

Way to set him up, pops.  Chris's sis wasn't buying any of it.  She pretty much told Emily to cut him loose, no matter how "crazy good" her psycho brother was feeling.  No problem.  Done and done.

Next stop was one F Jef at his family's "Holmstead Ranch."  See, because their last name is "Holm."  I know.  St. George, UT is actually nowhere near Salt Lake City.  It's closer to Vegas, or even Scottsdale, for that matter.  Basically, it's desert, but an oasis of dune buggyin' and skeet shootin'.  Well that and the place looked immaculate.  Jef might have some bucks as People Water CEO, but it's apparent that invisidad and mom are no strangers to coin either.  If this journey has been about anything, it's been the relentless pursuit of happiness... via wealth.

Emily was curious about the specifics of the alleged family revolt against his ex-girlfriend.   Jef said that "maybe" it was his parents that didn't like her.  Oh and his siblings weren't too fond of her either because he's a free spirit that can't be tied down.  Good thing six year old girls are super easy to take care of or that would have presented a problem.

Jef and his brother normal spelling Steve had a heart to heart:

Jef:  "I mean I'm totally, like, falling for her, dude."

Steve then pointed out the inconsistencies of Jef the Bachelorette contestant who is totally like falling for Emily and Jef the free spirited, unapologetic hipster.  Minor points, really.

Sensing a need for a clincher, Jef was then seen reading Emily an over-the-top poem that reminded me of things teenagers write when they are madly in puppy love with each other.  Whole lotta promises in there.  What if Ricki just hated the guy?  Boy, that would be embarrassing.  I sincerely hope that love notes aren't legally binding in Utah.

Next was Scottsdale for a visit with an Indy racing legend and his underachieving son who has been dying to get on this show for a few years now (thanks for making it happen, Cassie).  This is actually the second son of a racing legend that Emily has dated.  She was also pursuing Dale Earnhardt Jr. some years ago, but we can state with some confidence that this is the first open wheel racing boyfriend for Miss Maynard.  So adaptable, this one.

This was Emily's second encounter with foreign-born parents, but fortunately she wasn't subjected to sausages and polka this time around.  Arie Sr. and Mieke seem to have adapted well to their adopted home.  Better tax structure in the United States versus Europe.  Ask Steffi Graf about that some time.

Rather than put her at ease, Arie got Emily more than a little nervous about meeting mom.  I'm not sure why.  If anyone can relate to being a prospective trophy wife, it's Mieke.  I have to throw a flag on using Dutch in front of Emily.  As someone that has dated his fair share of bilinguals, this is a huge no-no.  There is nothing that will alienate a person faster than speaking code in front of them.  And to be honest, Dutch is such a strange language, the only acceptable use is when it's being spoken in the throes of passion by Charlize Theron.  Oh wait, that's Afrikaans. Close enough.

Junior's sit down with Senior was, well, brief.  Not sure our two-time Indy champ is loving the camera time.  Seems odd for a guy that has had such a prolific career, on and off the track...

Rawr!

Yes, that's the May 4, 1992 issue of People where he was named among the "50 Most Beautiful People in the World" that year.  In case you can't read the text, here's a choice snippet:

"This gentleman has also started a few engines with his turbocharged shag and flinty green eyes—including that of wife Mieke, 35, who admires 'his naturalness. Even after a race, his hair all messed up, he still looks great.'"

That shag has lost a bit of its horsepower, but there's no denying his flintiness.

Last to bat was Sean, who I've maintained has been little more than a smiling goofus about whom nothing is really known.  The producers seemed to have a little fun with this as well by painting him as a live-at-home slacker.  Not that this was inventive or all that funny, but I think it was a subtle poke at Sean's lack of substantive.. anything.  Maybe that approach was preferable to the conversation he did share with Emily about his "sweet as can be" ex of three years that he dumped because he wasn't really all that into it.  Well, that was awkward.  Let's go meet the perfect family.

Well, right on cue, little "Kensington" runs to hug her uncle.  That was so over the top that Emily rightly ignored it.  No bonus points for instructing the niece to act like you're Jesus.  Maybe this really was the perfect family because Kensington even had a house of her own, complete with central air.  All I could think about was, "what are the property taxes on that thing?"  I'm sure "Smith" had his own mini Ferrari which probably costs more than my two real cars.

No, Sean doesn't still live at home (we think), but his parents have one of those creepy rooms that looks like it was kept as a shrine to their child.  I'm not sure this is much better.

The only thing worse would have been Sean chasing Emily down again.  Sadly, check.

All that just to eliminate Chris.  Seems like a lot of wasted production cost.  During the rose ceremony, I couldn't help but notice Emily doing her best skinny Jessica Simpson impression.  Works for me.  I think it was the hair.

I'll get the Curaçao recap going shortly.  Lots to work with there.  They actually had me hanging.  Dare I say it, but that was some compelling TV.  Sure beat The Glass House, anyway.