These "Tell All" shows are nearly universal disappointments, maybe with the rare exception of Courtney having to defend her pitch perfect shtick to a band of blood thirsty amazons, but Emily's guys weren't able to deliver anything remotely satisfying. I was even disappointed in the bloopers. How is that possible exactly? Yeah, let's waste air time on Travis tucking his stupid egg in at night. Great choice, guys.
Since I do enjoy a challenge, let's see what kind of second layer analysis we can deliver here. A Bachelorette "Next Level," if you will. Warning: there may be math.
Since there is never a good flow to these shows, I'm just going to throw some stuff out there rather than do anything chronological.
Let's start with Chris. I want to begin here because I feel sort of disgusted with myself for backing this guy in the Great Doug-Chris Maturity Summit of 2012. Now, to be fair (and to save face), Doug wasn't exactly the most stable guy in the house, so maybe that skewed my view of Chris somewhat, but it should have been more evident early on that Chris had a screw or two loose. At first, Chris really did seem to have things a bit more together, but he was particularly confrontational and focused on this issue of maturity and "being a man" more so than anyone should be bothered with. The surest sign that someone isn't what they say they are is that they talk about that one thing endlessly and how great they are in that one area. Chris seemed to measure himself by his "maturity" and yet showed that he possessed, well, none.
Over time, Chris started to inherit a "negative edit," shall we say, where some of these issues were being featured more often. My guess is that there was a smorgasbord of material to use from earlier episodes, but it was shelved in favor of more bombastic, and frankly, more interesting personalities. Nonetheless, I'm pretty sure Chris was a sloppy immature mess from day one of shooting.
So maybe maturity isn't his thing, which is fine. Still, in hindsight, I'm trying to figure out what his big selling point was. He was overly serious, laughably uncoordinated, socially awkward, surprisingly weak, curiously aggressive, and cried all the time. Of course we're only able to see things as they are edited, but he did make the top four somehow.
Looking back at his dismissal, Emily barely mustered any emotion while Chris got.. angry? Harrison rightly asked why a somber moment would be manifested in quiet rage, but all I was able to discern was that he lost a couple of friends and that somehow meant that everything should be strange and convoluted from now on. And as to his prospects for true, lasting love, don't forget to watch Bachelor Pad featuring Chris hooking up with at least three women on the show. Not the smoothest segue I've ever seen, but I think we can all see why Chris was a natural for that role. I just hope no one gets killed.
A few other notables to discuss. Let's examine Ryan. This will be short; there's really not much to dissect here. Ryan is perfectly described as what you see is what you get. He's roughly the intellectual caliber of Jessica Simpson, loves himself unconditionally, and doesn't really let anything bother him. In the end, I find it exceedingly difficult to dislike someone like Ryan. Arrogant? Maybe, but the guy seems a little too spacey and unaware to be a threat to anyone, so why not just enjoy the show? I have no idea what makes someone like Ryan tick, but my guess is that a lack of synaptic junctions would account for some it. "I have a lot of worldly gifts, but there's a ton of depth." You just want to pinch his widdle cheeks. I've convinced myself that Ryan truly believes he's a Renaissance man, but it's nearly impossible to take him seriously. That shit-eating grin is just too much. Not everyone will see it that way, and I get that. Chris, for example, couldn't stop bashing this guy, even after it was over. What's with the taunts and strong language? That's no way to treat The Bachelor: Augusta.
Kalon was this season's aborted attempt at the bad guy, and wow did it ever backfire. My only advice to production is to do a better job vetting your prospective villains. Put that in the hands of a senior person, not some intern. Please. I get what they were going for here: suave guy that lays it on thick yet says a bunch of stupid shit to the other dudes to get them worked up. Instead what they got was a glib bomb thrower who insulted everyone with nearly no effort. If you're going for the role of house asshole #1 who actually sticks around, your best bet is not to insult the person you're trying to win over, at least as obviously as he did. "I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish" was inspired, but "we need to get back to rehearsals.. you can run along" was the kind of tone deafness that is reserved for sociopaths.
The faux discussion with Kalon about why he went on the show was patronizing. Gee, why would anyone go on a show? It's TV. You get exposure. You get paid. It's fun. But Emily had a kid, and you knew this! It's madness! You scoundrel! Which is exactly why he was cast on the show in the first place. Why do they even pretend like all 25 dudes are hand picked for their suitability to be Emily's wonder husband and super dad to Ricki? We've had 25 seasons of just this franchise, and yet they still want to act like no one is paying attention.
Of course Kalon is exactly the kind of USDA Choice Angus Douchebag you want on Bachelor Pad, so for whatever that's worth, he'll be there. How Kalon will profit outside of the Bachelor sphere is a bit fuzzy, though. I could see him parlaying this into a few appearance fees at shitty bars, but beyond that, I think the well is pretty dry. He and Chris really made a mess of themselves whereas I think every other guy probably netted out on the plus side. It's actually difficult to come out of this thing worse than when you walked in, but they somehow did it. I'll toast a Natty Light to that.
Since Sean was sent home, it's as if every woman in America has been horrified by the injustice. Just read the social media comments:
Victoria McDonald Lo Piccolo How AWESOMW would it be if she turns both Arie & Jef down and chases Sean down, like he did her that one night, and tells him how she made a mistake and wants to be with him?!?!? THAT would be the perfect suprise ending! I like Jef a lot and Arie is okay but Emily and Sean are just...*sigh...
Kimberly Herbert I personally think this is one of the best bachlorette seasons ever. I think she was refreshing and was really smart in most of her choices . Hopefully Sean will be back thus ending the best one yet :)
Deb Kalin Loving Sean!!! I can't get enough of Sean!!! What an amazing man!!!! Sean for Next Bachelor Please!!! xoxoxo.
Marla Melton Newell She messed up letin Sean go maybe she wakes up befor its to late!!! Ill sure take he is such awesome man u dont find them kind anymore!!! She needs to drop Jeff & Arie & take Sean back!!!
I could post pages of these things. Ladies, stop. Please. Enough. We're all suffering as a human race with every nauseating misdiagnosis of this situation. Your first clue that Sean isn't worthy of your idolatry is that he finished third, just ahead of the psycho. A real, live woman who actually interacted with this guy decided that he was third best out of a field that was approximately three deep. But, you'll say, he acted perfect, and Emily even said he was perfect, and he said he'd be the best dad, and he had amazing abs. Yes, those abs where really something. However, is there some special skill needed to decode euphemisms? "Perfect" simply translates into "this guy is telling me everything that I want to hear." At some point, you have to act like a normal person, and for whatever reason, Sean was unwilling to do that. Come on, he had a niece named Kensington. Kensington had her own air conditioned play house with a vaulted ceiling.
It's not that I dislike Sean. He seems nice enough and all. He surely has the facial expressions all just so and the safe lines written up for minimum offensiveness. I'm sure it's great for selling insurance. The point is that Arie and Jef seemed to have a pulse. Sean came off as the guy that seemed to want and maybe was capable of having exactly 2.3 children. Yeah. And we seem to be glossing over his woeful performance on that Curaçao sandbar where he admitted to a three year loveless relationship with a vapid cheerleader. How 'bout them Cowboys?
Regardless of how serious you treat this show, whether you think Emily needs to find her ideal soul mate or just want to see maximum drama, Sean isn't the droid you're looking for. He can deliver neither. Let's just focus on what's left and hope for the best. And since Roberto Martinez is apparently the next Bachelor, abandon all hope ye who enter here. It's not happening. Besides, we've already had an unparalleled bore as the Bachelor last go round. This one would just be blonde. You know I'm right.
No else one really worth talking about beyond this. Doug? No thanks. Charlie still seemed to be battling that head injury. I will say that I find it hilarious that Tony is going on Bachelor Pad after suffering that near aneurysm over missing his son. The lure of D-list celebrity was just too great to overcome. She is an evil temptress. We'll forget about all of these guys in about two weeks. I'm not above using Wikipedia when the need arises.
As to the remaining two, it's really difficult to say for sure where this is going. I have a difficult time believing that Emily chooses a teenaged Mormon Rick Astley, but then again Jef's dad, Monte, is Executive vice chairman of World Financial Group, so that might be a factor in extricating herself from the Hendrick empire. Some of the same criticisms of Sean also apply to Jef. This guy has been laying it on pretty thick for a few weeks now and going for broke. He's even threatening to make love stories jealous. Man, I miss being 16.
Arie seems like the safer bet to me, but there is the fact that he's part of a racing family which seems a little too close to the old days. There's also the Cassie Lambert baggage to sift through. However, Arie seems to be the most realistic about any potential relationship with Ricki. Instead of telling Emily that he'd be her dad absolutely, no question from moment one like every other idiot, he knew that it was a complicated situation that would take time. What Jef was selling is an unsustainable vision of perfection. Arie seemed to have things a little more grounded.
In the end, I want to be entertained. It's a show. Sadly, I don't think anything groundbreaking happens here. No possibility of Emily saying no to both guys, no being rejected by one and taking the second as a consolation prize, no pregnancy announcement, no marrying Chris Harrison on live TV. Believe me, I'd love any of these to happen. That probably would have necessitated a Kalon-Ryan finale, and those guys flat out blew it.
No comments:
Post a Comment